Tee-Ball Is The First Stage of Grief

Gah – two weeks of Passions in one recap again. Unfortunately, everybody has now come back from Rome, and so the action has slowed way down. Don’t worry, though – it’s still extra dumb! We still have mermaids, amnesia, and lesbians, even if none of them is as active as we might wish. We’ve also added a stroke victim, a tee-ball extravaganza, and a bunch of intrepid blind people. I only wish we had an evil monk or a world-destroying chalice, but we’ll have to wait for the next sweeps period for anything else like that.

We open Friday’s show at Harmony Hospital, which we know from the tasteful exterior shot. The patient du jour is T.C., who, you may remember, had a self-inflicted drunk-driving wreck a couple of weeks back. Since then, Eve has been dutifully by his bedside, putting a real strain on her relationship with Julian. Still, Julian decided to be a nice guy and fly Whitney and Simone back from Rome to be with their dad. T.C. ended up having a stroke after the accident and now he talks all impaired-like.

This shot ate up 80 percent of the show’s budget for the month.

Now Eve, Simone, and Julian are at the hospital to take T.C. home. Incidentally, a few days ago, T.C. apologized to Simone for being so mean about her being a lesbian and all. Eve also took new steps toward tolerance by being nice to Simone’s girlfriend Rae when they all ran into each other at the Blue Note. (I thought Simone was single and looking for a new woman in Rome, but whatever.)

Eve, Simone, and Julian all mutter to each other about how they have to make sure that T.C. doesn’t know that the Cranes are going to be helping with his recovery, because he hates them pesky Cranes. They also talk about how T.C. is going to need a ton of help back at home. Julian reminds Eve that tonight is the Habitat for Humanity charity ball (nice shout-out – is this an official tie-in?), and Eve of course says she can’t go because she has to take care of T.C. I would guess this will be starting a big ol’ trend in Eve and Julian’s social life.

Cut to Kay and Fox, who are at Little Ethan’s tee-ball game. Now, a lot has happened with Kay’s storyline over the past couple of weeks. To be specific, Kay and Miguel totally did it!! Remember, Kay has this stupid pseudo-amnesia that makes her think that she’s engaged to Miguel, not Fox. Everybody has been trying not to disrupt her delicate brain waves by telling her the truth – she’s supposed to remember it on her own. So she spent days and days trying to get into Miguel’s pants, with him trying kinda-sorta hard to keep her out of there. Fox was very upset by this. Siren was upset for about two seconds, but then she decided she wants Fox now instead of Miguel.

Wait a minute. Why the hell am I at a tee-ball game?

So, Kay and Miguel went away for a romantic weekend. Miguel promised Fox that he wouldn’t screw Kay on this trip, but he didn’t bargain for Kay slipping him some sort of love potion – she didn’t really mean any harm; she was just trying to juice up what she believed to be her “tired” fiancé. So Kay and Miguel had sex on the beach. There was some wackiness when Fox and Siren both went after them, and Siren washed up on the beach nearby with her full-on mermaid tail. Some blind people (yeah, that’s right) stumbled on Siren, felt her tail, and thought she was a big fish. Then they went and found a post-coital Kay and Miguel to ask them for help getting the fish back into the water. Kay and Miguel were relieved when they realized that the only people who “saw” them naked on the beach were blind people.

None of this idiocy turned out to matter, because Fox arrived soon enough and it was totally obvious that Kay and Miguel had done the deed. Strangely, Fox didn’t seem to care that much. I mean, he was upset, but really no more so than before, when he was just bugged by Kay not remembering him as her fiancé. Anyway, Fox still wants Kay back, and everyone is still playing the “we can’t tell the truth” game. The only really significant development is that Miguel seems to have realized that he still has true feelings for Kay, and so he and Siren have pretty much mutually kicked each other to the curb.

And now, they’re at a tee-ball game, and Kay is having weird blurry memories of both Fox and Miguel. Her head is spinning and Fox is hopeful that she’s going to remember everything. (Don’t y’all think that Kay will be pissed when she realizes that everybody lied to her about her engagement status for this whole time? I sure would be.)

As you can see, Kay’s memory flashes are very, very disturbing.

Apparently, virtually everybody in town is at this tee-ball game. Isn’t that just always the way? Sheridan and Chris are there – it’s still the fake substitute Sheridan. I think it’s kind of odd that they’re at the ballpark, because Sheridan just had a miscarriage, like, yesterday. Yup – these two have been through a lot since my last recap, which ended with the destruction-by-missile of the train carrying Beth, Marty, and Alistair.

After the train went “kaboom,” Luis was faced with the extremely unpleasant task of breaking it to Sheridan that Marty is dead. She was devastated and proceeded to promptly lose Chris’s baby. Of course, we all know that this will just clear the path for her to get back together with Luis, but no one is really seeing it that way right now. After Sheridan lost the baby, everybody was totally devastated for about five minutes. Luis and Fancy were particularly upset, because they were both there when it happened. But then they decided to drown their sorrows with a beer at the Blue Note, which is the new hot-and-happening set on Passions these days.

Now, in Passions time, I think it has only been one day since this miscarriage. Maybe two. And on the same day that Sheridan lost her baby, she also lost her approximately four-year-old son. I get that everyone grieves differently, but it seems just a tiny bit implausible to me that she would be out and about at a Little League game today. But there she is. Chris is getting in digs to Sheridan about the fact that Luis is “moving on with his life” and “not wasting any time.” This is based on the fact that Luis is visible in the background having a minor-looking conversation with Fancy. Yeah, well, the two of you are at this big important tee-ball game too. It looks like you’re handling things exactly the same way as Luis is, so shut up, Chris. FauxSheridan agrees that Marty is “barely cold” and that Luis is therefore emotionally defective in some way.

This ceremonial apron officially signifies: “Both of my children have died suddenly in the last three days, can’t you tell?”

Chris says that Sheridan should be happy that Luis is moving on with Fancy, thus dropping his interest in wrecking their marriage. Sheridan says she’s glad Luis is moving on in general, but she feels a little weird about Fancy being the one. Just then, Luis and Fancy walk up. Well, what were the odds of that, I ask you? They exchange extremely awkward pleasantries. By the way, I would like to note that Sheridan is wearing an apron. This is because she, Chris, and James (Chris’s young son) are running a lemonade stand at the game – even more ridiculous than the idea that she would just be there to watch.

Ooh! Theresa has a new boyfriend. Okay, not yet, but that’s where we’re heading. When we last saw her in Rome, she had tearfully decided to give up her relentless stalking, er, pursuit of Ethan, after she realized that revealing that he’s Little Ethan’s real father would probably result in her losing custody. So she announced to both Ethan and Gwen that she’s moving on – totally done with Ethan. About frigging time, when you consider that Ethan has all the personality of an armoire. Of course, the minute Theresa announced she was through, Ethan became much more interested in her. Ass.

Back in Harmony, Theresa “met cute” with this guy named Jared. It all started in the Blue Note when she spilled hot tea on him. Isn’t that romantic, you guys? They now have a feisty, sparring-type relationship, in which he insists on calling her “Tess” and she pretends to hate it. She is now pretending to hate him some more at the tee-ball game, as Ethan looks on and pretends not to be insanely jealous.

This is what a high-powered business person looks like.

Gwen tells Ethan that she sees sparks between Theresa and Jared (who just happens to be oily and shirtless). Ethan disagrees; he says Theresa doesn’t like Jared and will avoid him like the plague. Theresa proves Gwen right by flouncing over to Jared, who is chatting with Whitney and Chad. Whitney drags Theresa aside to tell her to stop being a bitch to Jared, because Theresa needs a man and has already run through virtually every other man in Harmony. It’s funny, I thought Passions was starting to pimp Theresa and Noah as a new potential couple, but they seem to be going this Jared route instead. Maybe it’s a triangle.

Julian and Eve have a boring conversation at the hospital. They have a wacky misunderstanding where Julian thinks Eve is dumping him, but she really just meant she was going home with T.C. temporarily. Oh, that pesky English language with its many ambiguities. T.C. wakes up and slurs the single word “home.” Julian looks worried.

This stroke storyline would be perfect for T.C.’s Emmy reel – if he were on any other show.

Luis and Sheridan have some really awkward conversation about how they’re coping, and the fact that Luis is wearing his police suit for the first time in forever. I’m sorry, but this is really offensive. Again, I could maybe see somebody deciding to get out of the house a couple of days after a miscarriage, but I think that usually when someone’s FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON IS KILLED IN AN EXPLOSION, they experience more than some momentary depression. Luis and Sheridan are bouncing back just a little too well. Not to mention that virtually every other person at this tee-ball game is related to one or both of them. Are these people even going to have a funeral for Marty? Or is this the Marty Lopez-Fitzgerald Memorial Tee-Ball Game? What about Little Ethan (Marty’s cousin) and James (Marty’s stepbrother)? Shouldn’t they be at least borderline traumatized?

Ahem. Chris ups the awkwardness ante even further when he asks if Luis and Fancy are on a date. Luis says no way, and then shows them that, in fact, they’re together because Fancy is under arrest. She is stylishly handcuffed under her sweater, because Luis discovered that she had a crapload of unpaid speeding and/or parking tickets and/or outstanding warrants, and so he had no choice but to arrest her. And then he didn’t feel like missing the tee-ball game, so he brought her there all shackled up. Oh, puh-leeze. Sheridan makes a face that suggests she finds this just as contrived as I do, but then we see that she’s actually remembering a time when sexy Officer Luis pulled her over for sexily speeding herself. Okay, I’ve been pulled over lots of times and nothing remotely sexy has ever happened to me as a result. What am I doing wrong?

Oh, you can’t hide from the long arm of the law, missy.

Theresa yells at Jared some more. It turns out that they’re having a wacky romantic misunderstanding, because he doesn’t know who she is, and so he made some negative comment about female bosses. He thinks she’s just yelling back because she’s mad at him for being sexist; he doesn’t know that she’s the head of Crane Industries. Chad and Whitney just keep their mouths shut. By the way, why does Alistair keep letting Theresa become the head of Crane Industries whenever he dies or is incapacitated? In light of the fact that Theresa openly hates his guts, you’d think there would be someone else on the planet whom he’d rather have as his heir. Maybe someone from his Evil Omega Symbol Society?

Theresa yells about how she personally knows a female boss who “runs a huge conglomerate with fairness and compassion for all her employees, and she’s selfless, she’s hard-working, and she’s constantly thinking of all the little people.” At this point, Whitney cuts in to say, “Oh, yeah, I know exactly who you’re talking about, and she’s modest, too.” Ha! I should mention that Theresa has been wearing a Bluetooth headset or something throughout this episode, and she could hardly look more stupid if she tried.

Jared says that he’s sure that there are some good female bosses out there, but the ones he’s known have been cold and heartless. Well, you can hardly fault someone for saying that, if they clarify that they’re only talking about their own experiences! Jeez. But then Jared goes on to become a lot more offensive as he issues his recommendation that said female bosses should “stay true to what’s important,” such as “family and children.” Uh-oh. Theresa looks distressed. I think the Bluetooth headset is supposed to signify that she’s working on some important deal while simultaneously attending her son’s baseball game. We see Little Ethan run off the field and hug Ethan and Gwen, while Theresa thinks out loud inside her head about her fear that without custody of her kids, she could turn into the type of heartless bitch Jared is talking about.

Wow, Jared sure is a sexist jerk for not guessing that this moron in the headset is the CEO of a huge multinational.

Somebody asked in last week’s comments about how Theresa came to have, and then lose custody of, her daughter Jane. Here is a very brief summary, which y’all should correct if I get anything wrong. Ethan and Gwen were trying to have a baby through a surrogate (using Gwen’s egg). Theresa pulled some Sami-Brady-style hospital shenanigans, chloroformed the surrogate, filled in for her, and managed to get herself implanted with Ethan and Gwen’s embryo. Around the same time, she somehow got Ethan to sleep with her and she got simultaneously pregnant. So she was carrying twins; both were Ethan’s; one was her own and one was Gwen’s. Then she miscarried one twin, but she carried the other to term. Jane became probably the first baby in history to require a MA-ternity test, and she turned out to be Theresa’s baby. Gwen was understandably feeling very vindictive about the whole thing, and so she and Rebecca somehow got Theresa declared unfit and they took the baby. The End.

Kay is still having weird feelings and visions, and Fox is still hoping that Kay is going to remember her love for him. Miguel reminds Fox that if he pushes Kay to remember, it may damage her psyche permanently. Miguel and Fox have a bit of a pissing contest over Kay. Seems like this one should really be no contest – Miguel is the one she wants! She’s made that perfectly clear. Siren has completely switched teams, and she now doesn’t want Kay to remember Fox; she’s lost all interest in Miguel and now unequivocally wants Fox for herself. Siren says (out loud inside her head) that if Kay starts to remember, she will just whack her over the head with a bat again.

Give a mermaid a fish, and she will eat for a day. Give her a baseball bat, and … um, I’m not sure exactly.

Fox tries to jog Kay’s memory by reminding her of a time when the two of them were getting it on in a box at Fenway Park (ew) and Julian walked in on them (ew, ew). This doesn’t count as illegally jogging Kay’s memory, because he’s telling the story without mentioning Kay’s actual name – he’s just saying “my girlfriend.” Kay doesn’t remember anything; instead, she asks Fox if she can use the “Crane box” to take Miguel to a Red Sox game. Miguel is way too happy about this idea. He is really taking this “pretend to be Kay’s boyfriend” assignment obnoxiously far, but Fox is such a wuss that nothing happens, even when Kay jokes that when she and Miguel are having sex in the “Crane box,” she’ll remember to lock the door. God, why does everyone want to have sex at Fenway? That strikes me as really unsanitary.

Jared tells Theresa that he’s sure that if she ever became a high-powered executive herself, she would be the good kind, who remembers to put her kids and the man she loves ahead of her job. She says that she definitely would. Jared then speculates that Theresa doesn’t really have what it takes to become a corporate big shot. Theresa takes offense, which is slightly hypocritical considering that she got her job by entering into a marriage of convenience with the owner of the company, who then even more conveniently died. Finally Chad and Jared walk away and Theresa bitches some more about Jared to Whitney. Then Chad and Whitney flirt and make out, which still disgusts me.

Y’all are still a couple of incestuous freaks.

Eve and Simone schlep T.C. into a wheelchair. Man, I am already so tired of this storyline. Simone encourages Eve to go to the benefit with Julian, but she refuses, even after Julian tells her that he really needs to spend an evening with her. Eve says that they need to avoid upsetting T.C.; he’ll be upset if Crane-hired doctors take care of him instead of Eve doing it herself. Gee, this “do not upset the patient” medical advice from Eve sounds awfully familiar – it’s the same as her prescription for Kay. She must have gone to Stewart Smalley Medical School.

Little Ethan comes up to bat with the game on the line. Kay and Whitney are pumped up and cheering for him, but Theresa is distracted with her Blackberry. I start staggering around from being whacked over the head with this expository anvil. Of course, we don’t see the actual baseball diamond; all we see are some really low-rent bleachers and people cheering at nothing, and then a cut to a totally isolated Little Ethan in the batter’s box. Theresa does start to pay attention before it’s too late, and Little Ethan hits a game-winning inside-the-park homer. Ethan is very proud, and Gwen points out that Little Ethan runs just like Big Ethan. Whitney looks guilty when she hears this comment.

Attention Crane Industries shareholders: Sell now!

Meanwhile, Luis is advising Fancy as to the quickest, easiest way to get bailed out and not have to actually go to jail. She, however, is scheming inside her head about how she doesn’t really want to get bailed out, because she wants to spend more time with Luis. So she has completely surrendered to the Luis Love Train. Lame.

Luis and Fancy buy some lemonade from James, which allows Luis to make Sheridan jealous by feeding Fancy the lemonade since she can’t use her hands. Then Luis and Fancy leave, and Sheridan tells James that his lemonade stand is probably exactly like how Donald Trump got started. James does a lame “You’re fired” impression. Go, NBC synergy!

Can’t you just feel the sexy waves of sexy sexiness?

A really dorky cheeseball extra comes over to invite Little Ethan out for pizza and introduce some more contrived sexism garbage, as follows: The lame extra’s daughter asks Miguel (who is apparently the coach) if she can move from the outfield to third base. Miguel says that “Greg” is already doing a great job at third, but the little girl can try it for three innings next game. After the extras leave with Little E, Jared says that this is a perfect illustration of why boys and girls shouldn’t be on the same tee-ball team. Er, Jared, it’s TEE-BALL. I think the show has crossed the line with this Jared character; instead of “fun sparring partner,” he’s now squarely into “sexist asshole” territory. If they want us to pull for him and Theresa, they had better dial it down a notch.

Theresa is an idiot too, though, and so she challenges Jared to a Battle of the Sexes baseball game. Oh, yeah, that’s going to be a great way to make your point, Billie Jean King. Theresa says women can do anything men can do, only better. Yeah, Theresa, especially BASEBALL. Give me a freaking break. But then Jared says a bunch of crap about how women should stay home while men go out hunting. He ends up riling up the other women, not just Theresa. So the teams are Theresa, Gwen, Whitney, Kay, and Siren against Jared, Ethan, Chad, Fox, and Miguel. Oh, this should be good.

Luis and Fancy finally arrive at the police station, and he un-cuffs her. She pretends she has bruises to get him to touch her, but she’s totally lying. She makes small talk about Little Ethan’s game, which gets Luis started on Marty. Then Fancy feels guilty about reminding him. Oh, yeah, we wouldn’t want to make him REMEMBER that his son just got killed a few days ago. Of course, they don’t even end up talking about Marty at all, but about Luis losing Sheridan and whether or when he’ll find love again. These people are so crazy self-centered.

Gwen talks smack to Jared about how she, too, is a working mother. Well, actually, not so much, because sometime after everybody came back from Rome, Theresa got Gwen fired. That’s okay, though, because the only reason Gwen even had a job at all is because Theresa was being evil before the Rome trip, and she got some guy to hire Gwen and overwork her to put a strain on her marriage to Ethan. The new, improved Theresa is no longer trying to keep Ethan and Gwen apart, so she lifted her mandate that this guy had to employ Gwen, and he then dropped her like a hot potato. Gwen didn’t care at all because she hates going to work anyway. Win-win, people.

Miguel and Ethan tell Jared that this baseball game isn’t going to be such an easy win, because Theresa, Kay, Siren, and Whitney are all incredible athletes. It’s true that Whitney was introduced on this show as a pro tennis player, and Siren can apparently out-swim boats, so I’ll buy those two, but this is the first time I’ve heard this about Theresa and Kay. Also, that was a pretty funny dis-by-omission on Gwen. We see Theresa hurling a baseball and shattering a bottle, at least according to the super-fake cutaway camera shot.

Luis tells Fancy that he wants to move away from Harmony. Without Sheridan or Marty, there’s no reason for him to stay, and it’s painful for him every time he runs into Sheridan. Fancy tries to talk him out of it. Then he takes a phone call and she talks to herself out loud about how she has to make Luis fall in love with her.

Back at the ballpark, the guys are all shirtless and the women are in some sort of red uniforms that they apparently all pulled out of their purses. Chad and Jared both try to weasel out of the game, but the women call them chicken. The five players we knew about on each team have been joined by some random extras to flesh out the fielding positions. Theresa and Jared bet a lobster dinner on the outcome of the game. The ump complains that he doesn’t want to be there all night. Um, how did this ump get roped into this at all? I’m pretty sure he’s allowed to leave whenever he wants. Theresa pitches, Whitney catches, Jared swings and misses. That all sounded much dirtier than it actually was.

We figured these random strangers would be delighted to participate in our idiotic grudge match.

On the second pitch, Jared lines the ball right into Theresa’s head. So much for the game. Ethan goes rushing over to Theresa, much to Gwen’s irritation. And that’s our big cliffhanger for the week. Man, this show has really gone into the tank. A few weeks ago it was “Will Alistair use the chalice to take over the entire world?” And now, it’s “Will Theresa wake up after getting hit in the head with a baseball?” I don’t know about y’all, but I’m on the edge of my seat.

Previews: Fancy puts the moves on Luis inside a jail cell. Gwen accuses Ethan of not being over Theresa. The baseball game resumes.