Pauly D Project: Love for Realzies

Recaps

By Monamonzano | Tuesday, April 17, 2012 | 10:30 am | 30 Comments
Posted in: Pauly D Project, Recaps

Hey all! Sorry y’all don’t like my recap shit. Hey, know what you can do if you don’t like it? Don’t read it! Yeah, I know, it seems like a complicated concept, but it CAN BE DONE.

I’m not going to appeal to everyone, and y’all may be secretly rooting for DJ Pauly to make it big, but I kind of think these people are RIDICULOUS. And if you are sincerely rooting for them to succeed, then I guess you and I probably won’t get along. I want to see ridiculous ensue, and lots of it, for my cynical viewing pleasure.

Anyhow, moving on. Episode 3 begins with a communal shaving montage.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 2.49.33 Pm
The only hair I want on my body is my fauxhawk.


Everyone is all flummoxed about Ryan, who flew off the handle in a drunken, Axe body spray fueled rage (Okay, I made up the Axe body spray part, but I’m probably correct, plus or minus 3/4 of a bottle of Ketel 1). Biggie goes downstairs to talk to Ryan, who seems evasive and- heavily tatted? Did he have all those tattoos the day before? I’m suspicious (and looking at you, Palm’s Tattoo, right off the strip). Biggie tries to tell Ryan that he’s representing more than himself- he’s representing Rhode Island people…like, all over the world.

Especially the guidos.

Especially those who like sweet as rhyme intensity.

Especially those who like tanner on their white bedsheets.

I’m tearing up a little bit. Ryan, of course, CANNOT POSSIBLY FUCKING PERCEIVE that he’s representing anyone other than himself.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 2.59.40 Pm
What are you saying? I AM SOCIAL DIRECTOR!

Then that other guy who used to be fat comes downstairs and trying to talk to Ryan, too. Naturally, he gets even more perturbed. GO GO GADGET ULTRA DEFENSIVE RYAN! AM I RIGHT?

I also love how Ryan is:

A. Drinking a redbull

B. In a wifebeater

C. tells the guy who used to be fat that “he’s done talking, maybe YOU SHOULD TEXT ME ABOUT IT.”

I want to repeat, Ryan is a dude who is on a reality show because Pauly D has an entourage and they need a kind of attractive, Brody Jenneresque presence. And they called him the social director, gave him lots of booze, and let him loose on the 12th fanciest hotel in Las Vegas. I’m not sure where his sense of entitlement comes from, but he should be KISSING PAULY D AND MTV’s GIANT, GAPING ASSHOLES with his REDBULL COATED LIPS.

But, rarely do people get what they want in this world.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.09.20 Pm
Except for some. Ryan, redbull. Redbull, Ryan.

Jerry continues to be frustrated with Ryan’s incredible douchery, but the editors cut it like Jerry and Biggie are just kind of sitting around. Ugh, why don’t they fight? Biggie and Jerry could EASILY beat the stuffing out of Brody, but they don’t. BUT- will Pauly D- NAY- DJ PAULY D stand for these kinds of antics? Let’s find out. Well, soon. After Pauly D does his hair. And picks out an outfit. And puts in his diamond studded earrings. And slather on some cologne.

And nope- he doesn’t say a word to Ryan.

So many adult choices being made, it boggles the mind.

But, I do get how Pauly D doesn’t want BrodyRyan’s lameassery to ruin his day, because it’s the first day of his residency at the PALMS! And his first duty- wait, I mean fourth, (you know, after letting his friend loose on the clientele, hooking up with nice Asian, getting hammered and doing his hair),is to have a day party.

And day party they shall have. But first, a photo shoot with a white girl in a wig!

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.17.01 Pm
Does she work at the palms? I’m confused.

This day party at Ghost Bar is um, not exactly what I expected, either.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.19.31 Pm
DJ Pauly D Pinata

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.20.03 Pm
Running lion acid sunglasses man

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.21.06 Pm
surly alcoholic manchild


As Pauly D says, it’s the mother of day parties…which means this mother likes Cirque du Soliel and hair gel…a LOT.

Biggie is keeping his big, fat eye on Brody, just to make sure shit doesn’t get cray. But in fact, Brody is partying with the Palms dude in charge, spraying champagne all over this weird, white plasticine patio this party seems to be taking place upon.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.27.38 Pm
Is this party in a Pinkberry?

And of course, Brody gets drunk AGAIN, and goes after..the guy with the Pinata head? Someone, anyone. It may not even be a human. Brody may just be vacantly punching a wall or a couch cushion, I can’t tell by the video, aside from garbled, drunken mumblings. This is HILARIOUS.

If there’s one thing we can all count on, it’s Brody getting drunk and hitting things. Am I right?

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.33.48 Pm
???

The show repeats the fight, and I guess I can make some sense of this: one guy wanted to wear the pinata head that Brody had, Brody said not to rip it- maybe some money was exchanged? And then Brody’s glasses got knocked off? All this equals crazy drunk fighting, I suppose. But what of running sunglasses man in tiger suit? I’d feel much better if they showed me a shot of him safe, away from the fray.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.20.03 Pm-1
I love you, running tiger man.

Wait wait wait- then Jerry escorts out the guy Brody got into a fight with? Because it was JRoc (the guy who runs the Palms, the one in DENIM) who stole a dude’s sunglasses. But…that just leaves another 200 other people for Brody to fight with…hmmm…I question the problem solving skills of these college educated people. Still, it gives Brody more times to fight more, and better, and drunker, just like that Kanye song.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.40.29 Pm
Yippeee!

Like any day party (and i’ve been to a whopping zero, because I don’t want an STD), it has to end. The boys bring some girls up to the crib, and they order some eats and keep the drinks ROLLING. And by Rolling, I mean, COMING OUT OF THE PURSE OF ONE OF THE MISCELLANEOUS DRUNK GIRLS THE DUDES BROUGHT BACK UP TO THE CRIB.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.43.43 Pm
This bar don’t card, but it’s decorated in kleenex and gum wrappers


Biggie keeps calling the girls the dudes brought up “D Squad,” which means they are…far from A Squad cheerleaders? And they do look pretty torn up, but so did most of the cheerleaders I knew in high school that were varsity. Man, I guess what I should deduce from this is that Rhode Island has incredibly hot cheerleaders. Take that, Wisconsin!

Meanwhile, Biggie is right: it’s HILARIOUS to see drunk girls (D Squad girls?) around a D squad celeb.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.47.04 Pm

One wants to drink from her purse, one wants to eat a candy ring off Pauly D’s finger, the other has to PEE. It’s like a regular PORNO up in here.

The pee girl gets uppity when she hears the word “bitch,” (I think? She’s slurring her words) and can’t find the bathroom. The guys laugh at this, and Brody calls her “Elvira.” Yikes. I can’t tell who feels more degraded- her or me.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.49.21 Pm
Elvira McBar-in-purse


The pizza comes, and Elvira returns after vomiting and some girl who looks like a member of the lollipop guild tells Elvira to leave. Jerry says no, but then- I don’t know. Garbled gobbledygook?

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.56.13 Pm
Exactly.


And here’s the munchkin that keeps calling her out:

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 3.58.52 Pm

Yeah, not exactly a Merriweather/Ali championship or anything. But, definitely more pink mesh and eye makeup than any fight I’ve ever seen. Boom! Take that.

Elvira then leaves and things promptly get gay.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 4.54.18 Pm
Just Brody, Munchkin, a pillow cushion and thou…


Munchkin keeps touching Pauly D’s hair, which pisses him off. I hate that, too, Pauly D! Vegas girls are WHACK. But hey, it’s vegas, and if you aren’t wasted, in a transluscent wrap dress touching Pauly D’s hair, you ain’t nothin’ in this town, babycakes.

Biggie calls Mary Jane and they have a super awkward conversation. Mary Jane even seems kind of annoyed he called at all.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 4.58.15 Pm
What? Annoyed at this face???


Then, the crew goes to Haze. The women there are no strangers to the art of seduction.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 5.01.28 Pm

Neither are the dudes.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 5.00.37 Pm

The boys watch two hot chicks make out for a while, and then Pauly D wonders if he will ever find real love. You know, true love. Real love. Realness. Realdom. Five minutes later…

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 5.13.21 Pm
Deep and Profound!


Looks like Pauly D found love up in this club, after all! All while Jerry fields some sloppy girl so that Pauly D can revel in his new love.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 5.15.33 Pm
Revel Revel!


Biggie is pissed that the universe has brought Pauly D true, pure love. In fact, he’s taking that shit out on all the ladies around him.

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 5.22.39 Pm
Who the…? DOWN! Down I SAY!


The girl in the photo tries to flirt with Biggie by stealing his hat, and he has none of it. None of it! When they leave, Jerry and Brody bring home some Russian girls and a blonde girl in a camo dress. And Pauly D?

Screen Shot 2012-04-16 At 9.27.06 Pm
I smell love!


No really, though. I smell something.

PEACE OUT!

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Rebecca Leib (aka Monamonzano) was born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. With a MFA in writing and well versed in comedy, Rebecca started writing sketch and performing improv, theatre and stand-up in Los Angeles. She has produced many short videos for funny or die, UCBComedy and often performs at the Moth Storyslam in Los Angeles, and can be seen in print on TVgasm.com, Beautiful/Decay Magazine and Artillery Magazine. When she is not writing or performing, she likes drawing and quiet reading.

30 Comments

  1. 1
    SuburBint
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    “Things promptly get gay” sum up so very many of the situations that Pauly D finds himself in. And yes, Pauly D does freak when girls try to touch his hair, although considering the industrial strength shellac that he uses on it, I don’t see how it could possibly get messed up. Maybe he’s had girls get stuck to it for days at a time before and since he’s all about the one night stands, that’s way too much intimacy for him to risk facing again? Also, was it just me, or did the Munchkin girl look an awful lot like Snooki?

    Thank you for recapping this, Monamonzano. It’s a dirty job, and I certainly didn’t want to do it — I’m trying to maintain my Pauly love in the hopes that it will get me through the next season of Jersey Shore. Haters be hating, but honestly, given what you have to work with, I think you are doing just fine.

    <3, SuburBint

    P.S. My birthday is in July and I wouldn't complain at all if someone were to get me a Pauly D piñata for the party that I would then have to throw myself. Not a day party, though, I'm way too klassy for that.

  2. 2
    Sloth
    Posted April 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    Despite the bitch fit at the beginning this recap was better than the previous. And I doubt many/any are rooting for these people and that’s the issue…

  3. 3
    lindaw205
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 8:52 am

    I don’t understand why people feel the need to trash a recapper. The solution is simple, if you don’t like it then don’t read it. I’ve never liked Jersey Shore so I definitely wouldn’t be interested in any spinoff but I do like reading someone who isn’t afraid to call them on their shit. So, yeah, I enjoyed the recap, too. :)

  4. 4
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 9:03 am

    Ain’t nothing wrong with a day party. Nothing at all.

  5. 5
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Is a day party a thing, now? How does the chronology work? The party starts at, what, 10 am? So, you get there two hours late, because being late is cool. Then you start the Jager shots at 3 pm, rub your Axe-sprayed junk all over some chick until 4:30pm at which point she’s DTF, take her back to your pad, and hope the fat sweaty guy with the mohawk isn’t fapping to gay porn in the living room again. You treat the chick like a farm animal for an hour, then pass out until 8 or 9 pm, when you claw your way to consciousness and find that you are completely and abysmally hung over. What do you do then, go get an Egg McMuffin?

    It’s madness.

  6. 6
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 9:32 am

    I find that a MickeyD Filet-O-Fish with extra sauce is the surest way to alleviate the effects of over-indulgence; however, I have found lately that the aforementioned filet IS the day party.

  7. 7
    Sloth
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

    The point is that this isn’t this recapper’s personal site..if multiple people complain about a certain recapper perhaps they will be made to improve or be replaced. I enjoy this site and many other recappers such as SuburBint, why settle for mediocrity? I’m sure this site exists so that people ya know, read it.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 10:40 am

    You take Jager shots as soon as you enter. Duh

    Day parties are generally from 10-7

  9. 9
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Sounds like, um, fun.

  10. 10
    BamA
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I think it’s so fun to have a drink in the daytime. I also enjoy tiki bars. Fruity drink…on the water…getting sunburned….fun!

    I could never do half as good of a job as what you recappers do. Thanks Monamonzano!

  11. 11
    Monamonzano
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Thanks for the feedback, bros. I don’t FEEL mediocre (takes bite of big mac, swallows, washes down with tapwater, turns on 24-inch television).

  12. 12
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    For what it’s worth, I like your recaps. That may be becauseI don’t identify in any way with the average guido, so it doesn’t bother me at all if you don’t show Pauly D and his associates the proper reverential respect.

  13. 13
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm

    I so agree, BamA. Tiki bars and fruity drinks in the afternoon are fun. Taking a shot of Jager at 10:00 a. fricken’ m. and then then continuing all day is a whole ‘nother thing.

    For one thing, I simply don’t have the stamina.

  14. 14
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    made to improve?!?!!? What if people like their style?

  15. 15
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Well Jager at 10 am is a talent, and don’t you forget it!

  16. 16
    BamA
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I agree classy…everyone has their own opinion. If you don’t like it, obviously there are other people that do. So you just…don’t read!

    Doesn’t seem so hard!

    Btw, I totally want a fruity drink right now…

  17. 17
    BamA
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Talent…or skill?

  18. 18
    Monamonzano
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I think maybe crankyguy and I are meant to be friends.

  19. 19
    BamA
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Why does my little blue icon guy look like he’s taking a dump? I don’t remember picking him…but I just realized this.

  20. 20
    skychickie
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Ha ha!!! He does! Ummmm Staying regular is good.

  21. 21
    lindaw205
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Well, let’s see…..if I had a Jager shot at 10am I would be vomitus pronus by 1005am. That could clear the afternoon for fruity drinks I guess since I would be starting anew.

  22. 22
    Sloth
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 6:56 pm

    Then that wouldn’t apply? If most people are complaining is what I am talking about.

  23. 23
    Monamonzano
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Who drew these? They’re horrifying.

  24. 24
    lindaw205
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I dunno but Bama’s cootie DOES seem to be copping a squat.

  25. 25
    Robin Robinez
    Posted April 18, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    I wish I had drawn them..They are hysterical.

    Your post was especially funny.

    Your avitar is standing there with his hands on his hips asking who drew these?

  26. 26
    Delia
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 12:08 am

    I don’t think anyone likes the style of a rape joke.

  27. 27
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 2:11 am

    LOL @linda! Well, obviously you have to mix your Jager with Red Bull..that way the caffeine keeps you sane. However, as you pointed out, vomitus pronus is just a latin term for “keep the party going!”

  28. 28
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 4:18 am

    Yeah Robin, but where is yours?

  29. 29
    BamA
    Posted April 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Well I have to be doing something seeing as I have a shrunken head & asparagus for hair.

  30. 30
    LastOfThe
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 9:06 am

    WTF? “Fauxhawk”?

    Biggie has a mohawk. Period.

    Fauxhawk is a term reserved for those wannabe morons who won’t commit to shaving any part of their head BUT pitifully sculpt their hair into a mohawk SHAPE in an attempt to be counterculture. Or something. Whatever they’re trying to be, they aren’t, because they have FULL HEADS OF HAIR.

    Unlike Biggie. Which is my point.

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