Hey all! Sorry y’all don’t like my recap shit. Hey, know what you can do if you don’t like it? Don’t read it! Yeah, I know, it seems like a complicated concept, but it CAN BE DONE.
I’m not going to appeal to everyone, and y’all may be secretly rooting for DJ Pauly to make it big, but I kind of think these people are RIDICULOUS. And if you are sincerely rooting for them to succeed, then I guess you and I probably won’t get along. I want to see ridiculous ensue, and lots of it, for my cynical viewing pleasure.
Anyhow, moving on. Episode 3 begins with a communal shaving montage.
The only hair I want on my body is my fauxhawk.
Everyone is all flummoxed about Ryan, who flew off the handle in a drunken, Axe body spray fueled rage (Okay, I made up the Axe body spray part, but I’m probably correct, plus or minus 3/4 of a bottle of Ketel 1). Biggie goes downstairs to talk to Ryan, who seems evasive and- heavily tatted? Did he have all those tattoos the day before? I’m suspicious (and looking at you, Palm’s Tattoo, right off the strip). Biggie tries to tell Ryan that he’s representing more than himself- he’s representing Rhode Island people…like, all over the world.
Especially the guidos.
Especially those who like sweet as rhyme intensity.
Especially those who like tanner on their white bedsheets.
I’m tearing up a little bit. Ryan, of course, CANNOT POSSIBLY FUCKING PERCEIVE that he’s representing anyone other than himself.
What are you saying? I AM SOCIAL DIRECTOR!
Then that other guy who used to be fat comes downstairs and trying to talk to Ryan, too. Naturally, he gets even more perturbed. GO GO GADGET ULTRA DEFENSIVE RYAN! AM I RIGHT?
I also love how Ryan is:
A. Drinking a redbull
B. In a wifebeater
C. tells the guy who used to be fat that “he’s done talking, maybe YOU SHOULD TEXT ME ABOUT IT.”
I want to repeat, Ryan is a dude who is on a reality show because Pauly D has an entourage and they need a kind of attractive, Brody Jenneresque presence. And they called him the social director, gave him lots of booze, and let him loose on the 12th fanciest hotel in Las Vegas. I’m not sure where his sense of entitlement comes from, but he should be KISSING PAULY D AND MTV’s GIANT, GAPING ASSHOLES with his REDBULL COATED LIPS.
But, rarely do people get what they want in this world.
Except for some. Ryan, redbull. Redbull, Ryan.
Jerry continues to be frustrated with Ryan’s incredible douchery, but the editors cut it like Jerry and Biggie are just kind of sitting around. Ugh, why don’t they fight? Biggie and Jerry could EASILY beat the stuffing out of Brody, but they don’t. BUT- will Pauly D- NAY- DJ PAULY D stand for these kinds of antics? Let’s find out. Well, soon. After Pauly D does his hair. And picks out an outfit. And puts in his diamond studded earrings. And slather on some cologne.
And nope- he doesn’t say a word to Ryan.
So many adult choices being made, it boggles the mind.
But, I do get how Pauly D doesn’t want BrodyRyan’s lameassery to ruin his day, because it’s the first day of his residency at the PALMS! And his first duty- wait, I mean fourth, (you know, after letting his friend loose on the clientele, hooking up with nice Asian, getting hammered and doing his hair),is to have a day party.
And day party they shall have. But first, a photo shoot with a white girl in a wig!
Does she work at the palms? I’m confused.
This day party at Ghost Bar is um, not exactly what I expected, either.
DJ Pauly D Pinata
Running lion acid sunglasses man
surly alcoholic manchild
As Pauly D says, it’s the mother of day parties…which means this mother likes Cirque du Soliel and hair gel…a LOT.
Biggie is keeping his big, fat eye on Brody, just to make sure shit doesn’t get cray. But in fact, Brody is partying with the Palms dude in charge, spraying champagne all over this weird, white plasticine patio this party seems to be taking place upon.
Is this party in a Pinkberry?
And of course, Brody gets drunk AGAIN, and goes after..the guy with the Pinata head? Someone, anyone. It may not even be a human. Brody may just be vacantly punching a wall or a couch cushion, I can’t tell by the video, aside from garbled, drunken mumblings. This is HILARIOUS.
If there’s one thing we can all count on, it’s Brody getting drunk and hitting things. Am I right?
The show repeats the fight, and I guess I can make some sense of this: one guy wanted to wear the pinata head that Brody had, Brody said not to rip it- maybe some money was exchanged? And then Brody’s glasses got knocked off? All this equals crazy drunk fighting, I suppose. But what of running sunglasses man in tiger suit? I’d feel much better if they showed me a shot of him safe, away from the fray.
I love you, running tiger man.
Wait wait wait- then Jerry escorts out the guy Brody got into a fight with? Because it was JRoc (the guy who runs the Palms, the one in DENIM) who stole a dude’s sunglasses. But…that just leaves another 200 other people for Brody to fight with…hmmm…I question the problem solving skills of these college educated people. Still, it gives Brody more times to fight more, and better, and drunker, just like that Kanye song.
Like any day party (and i’ve been to a whopping zero, because I don’t want an STD), it has to end. The boys bring some girls up to the crib, and they order some eats and keep the drinks ROLLING. And by Rolling, I mean, COMING OUT OF THE PURSE OF ONE OF THE MISCELLANEOUS DRUNK GIRLS THE DUDES BROUGHT BACK UP TO THE CRIB.
This bar don’t card, but it’s decorated in kleenex and gum wrappers
Biggie keeps calling the girls the dudes brought up “D Squad,” which means they are…far from A Squad cheerleaders? And they do look pretty torn up, but so did most of the cheerleaders I knew in high school that were varsity. Man, I guess what I should deduce from this is that Rhode Island has incredibly hot cheerleaders. Take that, Wisconsin!
Meanwhile, Biggie is right: it’s HILARIOUS to see drunk girls (D Squad girls?) around a D squad celeb.
One wants to drink from her purse, one wants to eat a candy ring off Pauly D’s finger, the other has to PEE. It’s like a regular PORNO up in here.
The pee girl gets uppity when she hears the word “bitch,” (I think? She’s slurring her words) and can’t find the bathroom. The guys laugh at this, and Brody calls her “Elvira.” Yikes. I can’t tell who feels more degraded- her or me.
The pizza comes, and Elvira returns after vomiting and some girl who looks like a member of the lollipop guild tells Elvira to leave. Jerry says no, but then- I don’t know. Garbled gobbledygook?
And here’s the munchkin that keeps calling her out:
Yeah, not exactly a Merriweather/Ali championship or anything. But, definitely more pink mesh and eye makeup than any fight I’ve ever seen. Boom! Take that.
Elvira then leaves and things promptly get gay.
Just Brody, Munchkin, a pillow cushion and thou…
Munchkin keeps touching Pauly D’s hair, which pisses him off. I hate that, too, Pauly D! Vegas girls are WHACK. But hey, it’s vegas, and if you aren’t wasted, in a transluscent wrap dress touching Pauly D’s hair, you ain’t nothin’ in this town, babycakes.
Biggie calls Mary Jane and they have a super awkward conversation. Mary Jane even seems kind of annoyed he called at all.
What? Annoyed at this face???
Then, the crew goes to Haze. The women there are no strangers to the art of seduction.
Neither are the dudes.
The boys watch two hot chicks make out for a while, and then Pauly D wonders if he will ever find real love. You know, true love. Real love. Realness. Realdom. Five minutes later…
Deep and Profound!
Looks like Pauly D found love up in this club, after all! All while Jerry fields some sloppy girl so that Pauly D can revel in his new love.
Biggie is pissed that the universe has brought Pauly D true, pure love. In fact, he’s taking that shit out on all the ladies around him.
Who the…? DOWN! Down I SAY!
The girl in the photo tries to flirt with Biggie by stealing his hat, and he has none of it. None of it! When they leave, Jerry and Brody bring home some Russian girls and a blonde girl in a camo dress. And Pauly D?
I smell love!
No really, though. I smell something.
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