Pauly D Project: Married Women and Manchildren

Back again, yo. I”ve got staying power, just like Pauly D’s girl, Christina, only I’m not wearing some weird cotton jumper-shirt and I don’t trust guidos at breakfast.

Anyhoo, Christina DOES seem to trust their breakfast spread, which seems to be a suspicious combination of spicy chicken fingers, napkins and bottled water.

This breakfast is missing redbull

I mean, I’m SORRY. There’s also Pellligrino. And I didn’t realize we were bringing back novelty graffiti hats…

Pauly D loves a good mall kiosque

Awkward conversation usurps Christina’s heaving bosom as the center of attention, or does it? Hard to say, over a hamfisted, soft-lens montage of the history of Pauly D and Christina’s love. How does it end? With her getting into a cab, Pauly looking wistfully out of his penthouse window. Oh, love. If I know anything about it, it has to do with realness. And, chicken finger breakfasts. And…wait, did I say realness? I did? Because that’s important. Right, Pauly D?

Speaking of soft-lens montages, Biggie is totally missing Mary Jane.

See? Soft = loooove.

Biggie chills with the broskis, and admits that he wants to put a ring on it. Pauly D seems like he is…kinda happy? I mean, they’ve been together four and a half years, but more importantly BIGGIE WILL NEVER FUCKING FIND ANYBODY AS HOT AS MARY JANE THAT WILL BE WILLING TO DATE HIM. SERIOUSLY. NOBODY. EVER. EVEN AFTER THIS SHOW AIRS. EVEN AFTER THIS SHOW AIRS AND HE WINS THE MEGA MILLIONS. EVEN AFTER HIS FAUXHAWK GROWS BACK IN. EVEN THEN, PEOPLE.

EVEN THEN.

But more importantly, the conversation shifts to the more important part of marriage: making sure that MJ has her bachelorette party first so that Biggie can have a better one. Right? Nothing says maturity and commitment like pre-marital competition! HIGH FIVES.

Wait- then there’s a soft-lens montage of the guys putting on their shoes? Man, some editor is so getting fired after this episode. Or, promoted. I can’t tell which.

And of course, the guys have one more reason to get mindlessly obliterated tonight. So, they get prepped to go do that shit. Pauly D texts Christina, and the crew heads to…an arcade/bar/rapeshanty called Insert Coins? Clever.

Of course, their kind-of boss JROC gets in on the action.

This is Pauly D. Will you have sex with me now?

Sorry, JROC, seems like this drunk girl wants to get a fistful of Pauly. Or, at least his chain.

Hey grabby, not cool.

She takes her drunk-ass leave and another girl comes over to take a chance with the D.

And they really hit it off.

By hit it off, I mean Pauly D talks about how he’s Captain America in the video game he seems super interested in, and the girl talks about how she was body-painted as wonder woman for halloween. See? They have so much in common!

And, no word from Christina.

But as a consolation prize, the guys go back to the suite and see Jerry’s post-fat abs.

Abs used loosely, like…Jerry’s loose, loose skin. Too easy?

Oh, and then we get to see more of Jerry.

And, more of Jerry…

And Biggie farts on Jerry, and I’m about to vomit my lunch. Pauly D calls this “letting loose?” Jesus, I hope I never have fun again.

The next day, Pauly D’s publicist (arguably the worst job in the world besides being Jerry’s boxer-briefs) calls to say that Ok! wants to do a Pauly D “home away from home” photo shoot with all the guys. Biggie seems to really want to get his eyebrows done (honey, that’s the least of your problems), and everyone wants to get a massage and be man-pampered. Mampered? Sure, whatever works, and whoever does your laundry.

Look out, Vegas. Soiled boxers coming through.

The boys go to get their mampering done, and let me tell you, it isn’t pretty.

unless you dig that sort of thing.

Of course, nose waxing is made out to be the worst, most painful thing ever by both Biggie and Jerry, but that makes sense, because they both physically resemble babies more so than the rest. Ugh. Good thing they’re obnoxious, large men and not women, because they’d be even whinier than they are now, for the two seconds a nose wax takes them.

Call a WAAAHHHmbulance.

Pauly D acts like a man (and by a man, I mean doesn’t cry and squeal like a whiny little bitch) and then they all head to Chateau, free of burdensome nose hair. I hope all the drunk sluts at the club notice!

In fact, one does. And appreciates Pauly’s hairless nose, lips and other junk. BUT-

Yikes.

Hey, maybe while Pauly is having sex with this girl, Biggie could take her ring and give it to MJ, in an episode full of farcical ring-slinging, lies and hijinx! I would love to watch that, and not nosehair ripping. But I digress. Pauly does invite married lady back to the suite to do some vow-breaking and-

wait, another soft-lens montage? Jesus H!

But, Married lady comes clean about having a husband, and things move quickly from this…

SEX SEX SEX

To this…

SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS

Sorry, Pauly D. She’s a married shithead, and at least you know. Now you can go back to plowing unmarried shitheads, like usual.

The next day is photo shoot day! Jeni the stylist looks suspiciously like a Jersey Shore extra. Which makes sense, as, I guess she’s been working with Pauly for a while?

Punky Brewster meets total fucking shithead

BUT MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PART OF THE EPISODE COMES NEXT, when Brody pouts because he doesn’t like Jeni’s style, and snaps at Jerry. And then Jerry says…

AHAHAHHAHA

I love this quote for so many reasons, but here are 3.

1. Likening Ryan, the fist-bumping, ass-grabbing, baby text-messaging redbull guzzler to ANYONE in the musical Les Miserables is ridiculous.

2. I’m impressed that JERRY- fucking USED TO BE FAT, Ass-showing, fart-bearing JERRY knows what Les Mis IS.

3. It’s probably the gayest thing anyone could ever say, like, pretty much ever.

I think I’ve finally found my love for this show. I don’t even care about the photo shoot. I should just end this recap now.

BUT, I won’t. Not for y’all. I love you too much to do that…

Brody keeps getting uppity at Jenni, because “nobody has ever dressed him in his entire life,” and he’s sure as hell not going to start now.

I’m a big fucking baby, la dee da!

Oh, I’m sorry. He’s cool having people clean up after him, make him drinks and pluck his nosehairs but he’s upset some nice Jersey girl wants to give him free jeans. Makes TOTAL sense.

Jeni finally gives in after saying she wants to JUMP OFF THE BALCONY (you and me both, sister). Man, I like this Jeni girl more and more. First because of that comment, and then because she dresses Jerry in skinny jeans.

My nuts!

The OK people arrive, and man, oh man, does that magazine have some sketch characters working for them.

I loved you in Hedwig and the Angry Inch!

I also want to note that pink seems to be the throughline in the dudes’ wardrobes- Brody’s in pink, Pauly has pink shoes, Biggie’s got a pink tarp covering him…lots of pink. And LOTS of awkward poses!

hands in pockets shot

After the shoot, Jerry pries his pants off of his body, and Biggie calls MJ. Something’s up, and it isn’t Biggie’s fauxhawk anymore. It’s MJ being a baby (man, enough, everyone!) because Biggie isn’t home yet. Way to be supportive, MJ.

And the episode ends with Pauly D giving Biggie some pretty solid encouragement, with talks of bringing MJ to Vegas. Man, when Pauly D is the most mature guy of your crew…well, your crew’s got their jeans on too tight!

Next time!