Pauly D Project: The BEST DAY OF PAULY D’s LIFE (The green limo episode)

Hey dudes and dudettes-

Sorry for all the rape references last recap. I guess I was confused- I thought all these people were rapists!

My bad! I will refer to them as cumbucket douchebags from now on.

Kisses, Monamonzano

Episode 2 of the Pauly D Project begins with them still at their douchey Rhode Island nightclub, giving drunken handjobs and backpats to each others’ back fats. Yet…I’m still reeling from Episode one’s deleted scene of Fat guy with girlfriend fully saturating his tiny salad with a lot of ranch dressing.

Riveting, Yo

I gotta get my head back in the gameeeeeyoooo! And I do, because Ryan (you know, the one who isn’t Pauly D and isn’t fat) takes some siz-shotz and starts yelling at some old Italian man. First of all- what’s this dude doing in the club? He should be on a stoop, reeking of cured meats and olive oil, tending to his grandchildren. Right? Stereotypes, anyone? Or is that not good to talking about, either, like rape?

Sigh. I CAN’T HAVE ANY FUN (POUTYFACE).

Ryan (who looks a lot like whitetrash Brody Jenner, and again, isn’t Pauly D and doesn’t have an obesity problem) keeps yelling at this old Italian man, and Pauly D explains that Ryan gets drunk, acts a fool, and apologizes the next day for his behavior. I love when Pauly D gets kinda worldly, as if he never got hammered and stuck the tip of his penis into a cheating JWOWW in season 1 of Jersey Shore. Remember that? Ah, memories.

Ryan is a total tard, and that’s cool, because there’s enough jello shots to last him until just right before his kidneys stop functioning. Oh, I also suspect he is a Nazi. Hey YO!

Hitler say what?

After the club, Pauly D and his crew decides to do a proper Vegas shove-off to his family. You know, first you get belligerently drunk with your friends, and then have a cup of tea with your post-stroke dad! Nothing says I love you like a good conversation with four grown men who reek of Hypnotiq and Axe Body Spray.

Also, Pauly D’s house has a LOT of crosses. This one seems to be covered in kelp:

Mmmm, briney!

Pauly D’s dad seems…pretty out of the loop. Also, not awkward, at all!

Soo…how’s things?

Pauly D goes on about his Dad is his hero, but quite honestly, they seem like, um, they aren’t very close. And as soon as his dad (I assume) dozes off, they boys talk about how drunk and assholish Brody Jenner was being at the club. His retort? “I told you not to give me dark alcohol, son!”

OH, I FORGOT. DARK ALCOHOL OPENS UP A SACRED, PRECIOUS PORTAL OF RAMBUNCTIOUS DOUCHEBAGGERY. Right? It can’t possibly be that you are a puckered asshole of a tattooed man, and don’t have a real job or any integrity or responsibility, so you think you can pick fights with people?

Nope. DARK ALCOHOL. It should be banned, just like tasteful tattoos and women who won’t have threesomes. AmIright, Bros?

Wow, phew, sorry about that dark alcohol tirade- my grandma worked the whiskey fields, so naturally I’m very protective of my dark alcohols.

Biggie says bye to his girlfriend and her small, pube-y looking Bijon, and explains that his career is short (Wait- what career?) and that it has to be career with a capital “C”. I’m still lost at what his career actually is (bouncer? Muscle? Binge drinking chode?), but if there is one thing I could do or be involved with in this show I would magically appear, like a Deus Ex Machina in the life of Biggie, clad only in clouds and Affliction tees and talk to him.

I would say:

“Hey biggie. It’s Monamonzano. I recap the reality show you kind of star in.”

He would look my cloud crotch and my bare ass bod up and down, agog, as my hair waved in the wind. I would continue:

“Hey BIGGIE. Stop looking at my tits. You know your mega hot girlfriend? YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE HOTTER THAT WILL DATE YOUR ASS. NOBODY. KEEP THAT BITCH. PUT A RING ON HER GUIDETTE FINGER, AND PRAY TO FRIGGING GOD HIMSELF THAT SHE DOESN’T FIND SOMEONE WITH A HIGHER BMI.”

Then I would whisk myself away into the night, like a motherfucking Peter Pan, but way more badass and with a better rack.

Anyhoo….Pauly D goes on to talk about how sacrifices are TOTALLY GAY, but that he made one because you know, life is tough and crap. Then his only girl friend, Angel, comes over. Yeah, they dated. In high school. And they kind of look alike, but don’t tell my readers- shhh- I kind of think they ALL look alike. ALL OF THEM.

Are we related?

Pauly D keeps his “reflective mode” up, and man, MTV sure likes wasting precious minutes of their 20 minute show on clips of Pauly D, hands on hips, talking about how close knit his family is.

My family be so close, yo.

And they’re off to VEGAS! Small time to the big time. Small pond to an ocean. Pleather pants to slightly higher quality, studded pleather pants.

At the airport, they decide to make an impromptu change of plans, and head to my hometown, Milwaukee, WI!

 

Just kidding! That’s just a screen that shows cities to which the airports are flying to. They’re still going to Vegas, because the DJ RESIDENCY MUST GO ON!

They take a flight to Vegas, and I’m kind of surprised that they don’t take some sick jet sponsored by MTV, or SUN DROP, or Ed Hardy. Man, Pauly D should get a better team of lawyers.

(or at least a ginger ale)

Everyone makes such a big fucking stink about RHODE ISLAND being in the house, and I think this is because nobody from Rhode Island has EVER been to Vegas. AMIRIGHT? There was a wall put up around Rhode Island, just so that the glorious residence couldn’t traverse the country in hopes of finding better lives- nay FUTURES- for themselves. When that wall came down in 1992, Rhode Islanders everywhere rejoiced. And this is why, children, Pauly D and his crew can entertain us for ten episodes- the blood, sweat and brain matter of those courageous Rhode Islanders and their might gave the rest of the continental United States these unique people.

BOOM! Shots.

Pauly D and his crew get picked up by a green limo with “Palms” on the side, and Pauly D says that it’s THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE. Really, PD? You should have been with me in grade 11, when my six friends all chipped in for a green limo that we took to prom, which was held in our high school gym. It was probably the best day of Tammi Sager’s life, because Jeff Delwiche laid her after we all had too much Boone’s farm afterwards in my parents’ basement.

Then, they find champagne in the limo. Naturally, everybody goes APESHIT.

An-Dre Champ-pagne! An-Dre Champ-pagne!

And HOLY CRAPOLA- NAMES! ON SIGNS!

IN PLACES! WITH TYPE!

Then Jerry gets excited (also, who is Jerry?) is he a friend? Because he isn’t fat or Brody Jenner, so I’m confused. Anyhow, he does the worm in the parking lot.

Buttcrack City, population Jerry?

This is also part of the best day of Pauly D’s life, as said by Pauly D (sorry, DJ PAULY D) himself. Another part of the best part of anyone’s life is having cardboard cutouts of one’s self all over a random, dirty, disgusting casino.

It’s blurred, but it says “bathrooms, straight ahead.”

When they get to the suite, there’s a lot of food and couches and cushions n’ shit, but what I would like to point out is the tasteful signage:

Somewhere, an intern got fired.

This looks like it was written by my 12 year old brother on a good day, but I also love that they couldn’t print out ONE MORE OF THE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SIGNS for their private suite. I guess I get it, it’s the recession?

Then Pauly D and his crew take about 2 hours (2 minutes, in TV land) convincing Jerry (right? Jerry? I guess he’s lost weight- I looked back at episode 1. I get so confused, y’all…) to eat some of the complimentary food. HILARIOUS! Then they take another 4 hours to marvel at the room keys, which have Pauly D’s face on them.

Yet still..

and just sayin’…

Their first night, Brody starts to get shitty like, RIGHT AWAY and Jerry gets propositioned by a club slut?! That same dude who did the worm on the pavement of the dirty palms parking lot?

We’re ALL surprised.

And she’s not a gnome, either:

Man, put some Rhode Island guidos in Vegas, the the world goes topsy turvy! Jerry has a crazy confidence boost with the weight loss stuff, and talks about it for a couple minutes. Man, I don’t know about you, but the thing that turns me on the most- as a heterosexual girl- is a dude talking about weight loss goals. Am I right?

I mean, do not get me wrong- It’s GREAT to feel good about your body and crap, but man, I do NOT want to hear about a grown man counting calores, mallwalking, or his preferred style of shape up. And neither does Brody, and promptly decides to get retarded time travel drunk while Jerry becomes mayor of makeout city.

Oh also, Pauly D snags a DTF Asian, who seems nice.

But amidst getting crunk, Brody wanders away and starts fights with random club wankers. That is NOT how Pauly D rolls, yo. He rolls with drunk girls who throw up in trash bags, yoooo!

I THINK I’m college educated, but I don’t really remember…

Pauly D starts to explain that puke girl is a friend of DTF Asian, but then he says “Jerry’s a nice guy. Maybe he’ll get a kiss.” Like what? I’m sorry, but all y’all were critiquing me about these guys NOT BEING RAPISTS?

Meanwhile, Brody is starting fights and Pauly D is awkwardly trying to put the moves on DTF Asian.

Woah there, casanova.

See what he’s doing? Mixing her drink with a Twizzler. She says she thought it was a red vine, and got excited. He said that they’re not that bougie, so no red vines…then…she….zzzz…

WOAH. Sorry, I just fell asleep for a second there.
In the end, however, he gives DTF Asian the GRAND tour.

or does SHE give HIM the tour? Either way, the Twizzlers are gone.

As Pauly D goes “touring,” Fat guy with a girlfriend and Jerry find Brody, who is….having a three way kiss with some foreign men?

Soft kisses and glances…

Sweet, sweet romances…

Wow, this guys is the social director! Awesome job, dude. Then he tells Pauly D and that fat guy with a girlfriend to suck his dick, and Jerry…uh, tells the fat guy that. Pauly D’s asleep post DTF Asian, but I wonder what he’ll say. And you know, I’m sure Brody is really thinking about his actions and words right now…

Propositioning dudes at Nathan’s Hot Dogs, no less! And you know what my grandmother always said: “once you start propositioning people to facilitate your own alcoholism, you’ll probably be kicked out of Pauly D’s DJ residency entourage and have to go back to your Rhode Island trailer park.”

My Grandmas’ smart like that.