Does this man:
a) Live for Ren Fests?
b) Consider Hot Topic’s 1998 winter catalogue to be the last word in fashion?
c) Make Liberace look butch?
d) Teach thousands of men how to get laid and get more ass than the proverbial toilet seat?
After the jump, people:
If you’re worth your salt, you know the answer is obviously “d”, seduce women and teach others how to dress like asshats and also seduce women while looking like asshats. You have to admit, a pretty impressive feat. My private university degree and years of just getting laid just cause I’m hot are looking pretty chintzy in comparison.
So hello, lovers! It’s Lady Sensation. I am so so happy to back at TVgasm after a long sabbatical. Denise Richards and her fluffy, bountiful mermaid hair almost did me in. I needed some alone time to count my remaining brain cells and then get some beautiful extensions to be just like her. I’m the one that actually set Heather up for a daytime DUI. And now I’m back with my favorite Don Juan of all time: the inexplicably appealing Mystery.
If I had my way, these recaps would be entirely shots of Mystery, appreciating every element of his style and letting the pictures be at least a thousand words.
Doucheface…or the man who’s gonna rock your world?
Okay, it won’t be all shots of Mystery, but I bet Mystery would love it. I mean, textbook narcissist, y’all.
If he only knew then what he knows now: that some Can’t Hardly Wait goggles and a peacock feather vest gets chicks hotter than Brad Pitt suckin’ on a popsicle.
Anyfamewhore, Mystery is back to do his good samaritan work for the confidence challenged and helpin’ these guys do what every man wants to do all day, every day: GET LAID. But before we meet the guys we have to the requisite montage to learn that Mystery was just like these poor fools back in the day, running around in purple shirts and a pony tail getting rejected. As opposed to now when he, you know, still runs around in a purple shirt and a pony tail.
So driven by frustration he developed a system that unlocked the triggers to getting into womens’ pants and that shit is foolproof. Kind of. Or we’ll see…
Let’s meet this season’s AFCs (Average Frustrated Chumps, y’all) as they walk three miles in the Arizona sun to meet their teacher. It’s just like the tales I hear in Yoga class about Masters and Students and how they’ll walk forevs to get one teaching. I love when shit gets spiritual.
No, Vh1. The “Mystery” is already here.
First we have Todd. A self-described emotional outlet for women, which sounds like he’s gay.
This look worked for the members of ‘N Sync in 1997. What?
Who’s Todd again?
And of course, the self-proclaimed Virgin.
Immediately cut to Rian entering the house and stumbling and dropping the handle of his suitcase. Because only virgins are clumsy. The rest of the sexually active world is totally slick at all times. Nice message, Vh1. Now the world is gonna think I’m a virgin, too.
Then we drive home the point that he is socially retarded by getting a home video of him showing us his plushie that he cuddles with at night. More Vh1 logic that I am a virgin.
And now before we meet the rest, we have to cut to the hos in the pool.
Correction: Drunk hos!
The boys find they’re way into the backyard and don’t even know what to do with themselves. One grabs his hair in anguish. One ventures a “hey” and look who was planted in the Drunk Ho Audience: Tara! Last year’s demo hot girl. She turns around when she hears the ‘hey’ and welcomes the young lads. This year she’s upgraded to “wing” and hopefully she’ll regale us with stories of how she helped open up sets and intiated kino escalation. It’s gonna rule. Tara’s a total pussy hound.
Easy, breezy, beautiful…oh, wait. Wrong show! Can we take that again?
So the planted Tara walks over with some real rehearsed speech that sounds like dropped bricks, but the guys don’t care. She could be repeating over and over that they’ll never get laid and they’d still have shit-eating grins on their faces. This show teaches me that men are simple creatures.
She shoes them out of the backyard leaving the hos to drink by themselves (?) because they have to get settled and ready to go. Cut to the Drunk Hos looking totally jealous T gets more screen time.
Back to our intros. Simian lived on a boat and waxes creepy about loneliness and its intrinsically tricky nature. Then we get some spoken word action that would make anyone look undoable.
But I’m totally inspired by Ani DiFranco.
Karl may be heartbroken and work at Radio Shack, but he scored a top bunk.
We also learn he plays guitar, which you think would be a good thing. I mean, it even works for John Mayer. But apparently he’s using it to write bitter little missives, a la Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer and we all feel a little more uncomfortable for it.
Matt is a cross between Austin Powers and Lauren Hutton.
In his defense he does say “hybrid”.
And please. This one’s totally the ringer. Trust.
The “Ugly Pretty” girl in the high school movie.
The best they can come up with is his voice cracks. Although allegedly hasn’t had sex though in nine years which impresses.
This one though does need help. Massive.
You may recognize me as the guy in a cow costume who yells “I’m a virgin!” before he busts his ass on MXC.
Maybe he just needs some goggles. Brian’s sob story is he’s only kissed his mom. On the forehead, people. Don’t be gross. Also, inexplicably, when he meets hot girls, he starts spelling out words. Which would be great fun, except apparently drunk hot girls at clubs don’t like to spell out their conversations. Who knew?
Not to stereotype, but Kevin looks like he likes math.
And is a really awesome bowler.
Oh shit, a guy also wearing glasses and a Periodic Table of the Elements shirt asked me out a couple months ago and I said yes. I think I got gamed:
And he had a line about being “the human element”. This shit works, people.
Kevin tells us Mystery is his last resort. Maybe he just needs the human element line.
Alex is plagued by being confused for a homo:
When he should be confused for being gangsta, fools!
He’s also a janitor at an interior design store.
Straight Janitor attempt: FAIL.
PS, by the way, what interior design store sells, like, 80′s clothes?
At the house the phone rings and it takes three people to find a device making a continuous audible noise, underscoring no one calls them. Ever. And…It’s Mystery! And he immediately says that it’s nice to “meet” them, and then I can’t listen to anything else because it makes me think he’s hiding in the room somewhere. If a dude called me and said, “Nice to meet you” I would think he was looking at me through the blinds. Dudes, in this instance, do not follow Mystery down that path. Creeperton.
Like Tara, the chumpies don’t care what this fool says. They’re off downtown to Start They’re New Life. They’re gonna get lots and lots of poonanneeeee y’all!! And they’re gonna learn love and respect themselves!!! Kidding. They don’t wanna respect themselves. They just want ass. They’re all yammering on about being “freaked out” and how they “have butterflies”, et al. It could be canned audio from any show. I’m unimpressed.
But I am impressed with Mystery and his posse of two ladies. I mean, what in god’s sweet name did they do to fag out Matador? He was so tough last season.
Tyra got to me. She will eventually get to us all.
I mean, if this show is to illustrate how retarded a man can look and still get laid, job well done, Vh1. Job well done. I now believe chicks will sleep with anything. (On a side note: When a hot celebrity gets washed up and not-so-fresh, my friend Jeanette and I will be like, Would you sleep with him? And we’ll be all hell no, but then we’ll call each other out and be all, but you’ve had worse, right? Right? And then, inevitably, we have to concede that we have indeed had worse. Because Jude Law is not as hot as he used to be, but we’ve all had worse than balding 2008 Jude Law. Endless good times at Camp Sensation. ENDLESS.)
Anyho, the guys are feeling love at first sight and are cream their panties over the Myth and the Man that is Mystery. Brian even says that he is “smokin balls” which confuses me, so maybe he meant Matador.
One shitty Hot Topic medallion to rule them all.
Mystery introduces himself again with the “meeting” business and says that for those that don’t know who he is, HE IS MYSTERY, and it’s like the eighth time he’s said this, and he’s already met these fools at the house allegedly, so he’s beginning to bug, but it doesn’t matter because women will sleep with anything. This show also teaches me that women are simple creatures.
The dudes weep some more and Matador speaks.
Ren fests and leather sex, baby. Ren fests and leather sex.
What the two ladies have to say really: Matador likes to change lives. Tara believes in everything Mystery teaches. Yeah, I bet she does.
So these easily intimidated individuals are further intimidated by Mystery by him when he goes on and on about how hard this going to be and so profound they are going to teach it to their sons. Wonderful. In ten years, all the polar bears will be drowning and all the men in all the lands will be walking around in faux fur top hats negging strangers. CNT WT 4 U, Aquarian Age! Kthx.
And then we learn the winner will get fifty grand, which is probably the least amount on any reality show and I LOL because is anything under six figs these days. But then again can you really put a price tag on pussy? I think not.
So they’re told that the club behind them is “teeming” with hundreds of “beautiful” women, which clues us in that Mystery is also a liar because no club has hundreds of beautiful women unless it’s Deja Vu, and RIGHT NOW they will have to go in tonight to embarrass themselves for our viewing pleasure and make Mystery remind them of why they NEED him. That’s right. The irrevocable life changing begins…TONIGHT. The guys are floored that they are put on the spot tonight and are the only ones that apparently did not see this coming.
Git it on! (More MXC.) Up first is Kevin, the Periodic Table T-shirt wearin’, Strike Out King. And of course he announces that he was so nervous he had “Swamp Ass” and, ladies and gentlemen, I think we have the first nickname. I hope he does something stellar to redeem it, because he had me at Noble Gases, but for now, I’m riding this one out.
So Swamp Ass goes up to a group of girls who inform him that they are “very deep”. Swamp Ass, ever the creepy scientist, asks if he can “dig a little deeper”. Sorry to expose you to such ickiness. I just report the facts. Mystery turns to Tara and asks if she thought that was vulgar? Tara gives him flirt face, totally ignoring the creepiness going on. Um….
Are they eye-boning right now?
Matador says that he wouldn’t even say something like that and he smokes balls. And keeps an eye on the boys.
Austin Powers Lauren Hutton is up next and lookin’ lost in this world. Finally he asks a girl how much her vodka-cran is and concedes that six and change is a fair price. Girls looooove to hear guys ask how much a drink in a plastic cup is. Great indicator of things to come.
Todd the best friend waltzes in like a train wreck and asks if he can asks a question. Mystery calls that out as a sign of weakness and Matador says there’s an element of disingenuousness which I don’t see, but it sure sounds smart. I’m beginning to see why the ladies love the ‘Dor. Beefy and brainy.
The crash and burn continues with Greg, the ringer, who asks a girl if the weather in Arizona is always this hot. Well, yes, she replies. He asks how she can live there, which wouldn’t be bad if it were delivered with a bit more tease and cheek, but he does it so earnestly, so it just sounds rude.
Well, I take a lot of Vicodin and watch shitty Vh1 reality shows.
Brian is up on a “two set” and he does well until he asks about a toothpaste brand and it’s clear he’s a jackass who’s only kissed his mom.
Simeon is up next and Tara calls him “sexily dishelved”, an expression which she is quite proud with. What’s up with the gangs need to impress Mystery with their wry commentary? Mystery is way more into “sexily disheveled” than he should be.
Okay, they bone, right?
Mystery hates that Simeon goes up to a group of girls and guys, and slams him with a metaphor about how he should tell dudes to be “snacking” on girls at his table. I don’t get it, but it also sounds vulgar, and I’m sure it’s the kind of thing that would make me feel like my life would be improved by sleeping with him. Tara calls Simeon the creepy guy, but if she hadn’t been making googoo eyes at Mystery she would have noticed that that was Swamp Ass.
Rian (28 year old) virgin comes in and walks around like he’s “sh*t his pants” according to Mystery. Classy, descriptive. He talks to a girl who’s looking at her iPhone and she gives him stink eye, but any dude should know not to interrupt a girl when she’s texting. I’ll cut a bitch who steps to me in mid-text.
Karl blazes through and asks if he can get a drink but needs the bartender to check his card first. Ho, snap! I love announcing that my card might not go through. Sexy. Luckily he shouts it loud enough so all the girls can run for the hills. He tries to talk to the girl next to him, but her friend shuts it down with a “Why are you talking to him?” Ha. I’m so that friend.
And what is up with the Matador freeze-out?
Tara + Mystery=BFFs 4EVS!
Last is Gay Janitor who walks in and….stands there. Mystery mocks his chain saying that Gay Janitor clearly and pathetically thinks it’s “peacocking”. And I’m confused because I don’t know why it’s not peacocking. It’s gaudy and pointless and vaguely gay, so I thought he was a-ok.
But either way, GJ drops the ball by not responding to a girl that came up and commented on his Bling. They reem him for standing there when she gave him an opening, not noticing his Bling served the purpose of a peacocking piece in the first place. I should sleep with Mystery to get some clarity on this.
So now the misery is over and it’s time to watch Mystery and the ‘Dor go at it and the boys can watch the monitor. And before he goes in, Mystery bravely tosses aside all of his “crutches”. The hat and the coat and the bubble gum machine rings. He doesn’t need these things, despite everything you know about what women want. He’ll do it without it. I’ve never slept with a dude without a faggy top hat, so I don’t know what he’s talking about.
They enter the club and smarmily declare they are ready to “lock in”. My vagina just died a little.
So they do their thing and of course the girls fall all over them making me feel like I belong to a species of dip shits. The men love it because of course they are one night closer to getting laid.
Some things I discovered that will turn me on:
Fingers in my face.
And…Eskimo kisses from Matador.
Okay that one wasn’t a joke. I totally want eskimo kisses from Matador.
So the making out gets gratuitous and I’m ready to move on, but this is really for the boys so they can worship these douchebags a little more. Then they come back out and Mystery asks if it looks like they had fun…YEAH IT DID! they cry. Well, you know why it looked like that? Because it was! Picking up women is FUN. I am so happy to be fun for you, boys. Really the pleasure is mine.
Next day Mystery wastes no time in getting these guys made over. And usually they wait further into the season to get some before-and-after action, but thank god we’re skipping the foreplay and getting to the good stuff. One good thing about a dick-driven show. No pussy-footin’ around. Bleach some tips, Mystery!
They arrive at a Phoenix boutique and Mystery asks if they look like men that are sexually active. They all say no, but I totally went out with a Periodic Table dude, so I guess in my world I’d give ‘em the go ahead.
Matador does some intense thing with his hands and goes “boom boom boom” and I’m convinced of whatever he’s convincing.
When I saw Mystery in a Sedona caftan, I knew I’d found Home.
And while we’re at it, it’s time to call out Gay Janitor for his fake bling. It’s made of copper!! Mystery scoffs. He tells him he has to chuck it because it “lowers his value” even though it’s the only reason any bitch came up to him. I’m so ready to go mano a mano with this Mystery on this one.
So now they are told they need to create their own “Avatar” image, which isn’t just a look it’s a whole persona, which in my mind’s eye is only further proof that Mystery is the leader of the Dungeons and Dragons kingdom of the universe, where everyone is only socially acceptable when they are pretending to be someone else.
Your Avatar should have “superfluous accessories” because superfluous accessories are sexual. Since Mystery is the only one getting laid, the boys buy this horseshit. Really since nobody else is getting laid, Mystery could attribute his getting laid to anything and these boys couldn’t disagree. Clever, Mys. Real clever.
I’ll meet you copper and raise you plastic.
The store is going to be their “playground” and they play dress up. And thank god Tara is around to keep this show from completely shooting off the homo richter scale.
How many balls do you think you can smoke dressed like that?
We get a delightful montage of “NO” outfits and Tara trying to be funny, which is painfully unfunny. (28 year old) Virgin Rian practically has a full-on meltdown in the store. We even get tears and y’all know I love it when bitches cry. He says wants to try and figure out a way to turn off his brain. Aw. Then Tara starts to tear up and now this show is completely gay. Nevermind. The cast of Rock of Love Charm School could kick these dudes to Saturday they’re such pansies. I love those girls.
Anyway, Lauren Hutton is sent to get his teeth fixed, which is a darn shame. I love gaps. And then the boys finally get their hair did, where Brian tells the shampoo girl that all he wants is to get laid. Surprisingly, she doesn’t offer herself up.
Ringer gets his hair chopped off and I’m just WAITING to see how hot he looks. It’s so coming. Then they start to pierce the dudes and wax them because no makeover is complete without pain. When (28 year old) virgin gets his spray tan, the girl offers to spray on a six pack and then laughs so hard at her joke. What a cold bitch. I don’t have many, but there are some lines I don’t cross.
Less funny than when the 40-year old Virgin did it, which wasn’t funny.
But it is nice to see his chest. Or not.
So back at the house, Gay Janitor finally throws out his Bling and saw he doesn’t want to be a joke to all women in a totally gay voice. The doorbell rings and it’s The ‘Dor and Tara over to have a bar-b-q with the boys to celebrate the makeover. Sometimes I forget they’re not in West Hollywood and they’re not trying to get with just each other. Seriously, if this aired on Bravo, people would never believe these guys wanted to get with real girls.
And out come our boys:
Simeon looks totally diff. They congratulate him on not looking like a terrorist. Osama Bin Sexy! Tara cries. She’s the funny one, people. She’ll be here all week.
The Virgin looks a LOT better, but manages to look even more uncomfortable. Luckily his stuffed animal doesn’t judge him too harshly.
Periodic Table Swamp Ass got a whole new swagger with his look but I’m still feeling the original shirt. I’m a sucker for hard science.
Todd the friend looks almost the same minus the goatee. But if you trade it for douche-y clothes, I think you’re right where you stared. Next.
The ‘Dor says that Gay Janitor had a 180 degree turnaround. Yeah, you be the judge.
Brian’s makeover also lost upon me.
Still the dude on MXC cheerfully yelling humiliating things.
Karl I didn’t recognize and when I realized who it was I was a little disappointed. But I’m also a sucker for a Jewfro.
Lauren Hutton got robbed of his bangs. Also his best part. Now he’s all bridge and tunnel and ready to date rape.
And of course The Ringer.
Saw you comin’ a mile away, doll face. I’ve found my fave. Yalla!
So they party for like thirty seconds and then Mystery comes out with a creepy “Did someone say bar-b-q?” and everyone can tell something’s up because the world’s best seducer is now the creepiest dude in the room. It can only mean one thing. Somebody’s ass is goin’ home. NOW.
Mystery says that he sees a pick up artist here, but he’s also seen that one of them is just not ready for this. One of them is going home WITHOUT the dramatic rune ceremony. Oh shit. Insult to injury. You get sent home based on your pre-test and without the dignity of a formal ceremony. Mystery is smoking major balls this season.
Mystery just doesn’t see the spark in one of them and even though everyone sucked, one of them didn’t TRY. Well, of course it’s going to be Gay Janitor, but I think he’s just bitter his copper peacock method worked. Gay Janitor gayly walks through the room and says in his gay voice that he’ll just do it on his own. And…scene.
The group is shaken by this sudden departure and Mystery warns them it’s because he’s going to “play the hammer” from time to time. And now it’s official: most homoerotic. There’s a method to his madness though and tomorrow is a big day.
Forever has begun.
We end things with several minutes of clips from the upcoming season and the roller coaster we have in store. I’m so ready. Bring it, Mystery! BRING IT!! (That was for Flip.)
So what do you guys think? Are we going to grow to love these boys just like we did last season? Was it wrong of Mystery to eliminate someone before he even taught them anything? And were the makeovers underwhelming or do I just not-so-secretly have a hard on for nerds?
Either way, I’m delighted to be back. I love this show and would probably sleep with Mystery if he did his jazz hands routine for me.