Pick Up Artist 2: Hey, would you date a guy named Mystery?

Lighing yourself on fire: the new way to game chicks.

We’re back! The boys are lookin’ good, feelin’ good, ready to learn some material to take to the field! They are so close a random hook up they can taste it. I know you’ve been waiting for this recap all week and it’s true I’ve been making you wait for it and want it more, gaming you all like hot chicks in a club. You are all hot chicks to me in my Pick Up Artist world. Let’s get laid.

We enter today on our young gentlemen in complete disbelief that someone was eliminated and, okay, I guess there was no formal rune initiation which is the standard kick off, but have you noticed people are always in disbelief on reality shows that someone goes home? These people never cease to throw down the “It finally dawned on me that it’s a competition” line, and they say it with as much genuine surprise as when I say “I can’t believe there’s no money in my account!” I mean, really. It’s a shock?

Lauren Hutton says his heart wasn’t beating the whole time during the elimination. And that he’s not going to be able to sleep tonight. Jesus. No wonder no one gets laid around these parts. My bunnies had more backbone than these clowns.

Stop yer heart long enough and you can add David Blaine to your hybrid list. Dare to dream.

And the blues just don’t go away. Sending Gay Janitor home really rocked these boys to the core. There’s more misty eyes for the (28 year old) virgin. Mumbling about how he’s not ready and what not. I’ll say. Btw, Blond Karl is NOT my cup o’ tea thank you very much. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be 1998 Mark McGrath, Karl. No one will.

But you do look as cool as 2008 Mark McGrath.

Next day Mystery tells them to meet him at a “secret place” which is so mysterious it even has a bouncer in front of it during the day. Also a giant welcome sign and three tall jackasses standing below it. Secret. How ghettro is this place?

All you can eat seafood buffet for $5.99.

Simeon (who I didn’t even recognize. I had to dig into the last recap to remember he’s “Osama Bin Sexy”.) is convinced they’re going to a strip club. Like, an Italian one! Wrong.

Mystery tells them that they’re already looking more confident but this new looking is only step uno. Long-lasting confidence is more than just looking good. It’s about getting laid. So what better than to have them spend some quality time with “the ladies”. Aw, yeah.

MXC Brian is also enthused that these ladies might be possible strippers. Hold up. Who knew that strippers were the most exciting girls on the planet? And here I thought writing for the ‘Gasm was good enough. I thought boys LOVED funny girls.

Just stay calm, underscores Mystery. Whoever makes the best impression (i.e. doesn’t act like a dog in heat) is going to win a “secret” reward. LOL. Mystery loves mystery. And this secret is a “special accessory from his private collection”. A special secret accessory from a secret private collection. You can’t make this up, people. Also, the calmest dude gets a private lesson where he learns how to macramé and glue pieces of plastic together to make his own special collection. It’s all part of being a pick up artist.

Actually the private lesson is on “how to use the special secret accessory”. Since he immediately makes this face as he says it, it can only mean the accessory is one thing.

Anal beads.

So lets get started! Mystery announces with a hand clap.

They walk in the door and the Italian Club is straight outta a Boca retirement community.

Wanna touch my dauber?

It’s Bingo with the grannies! I’m loving this development, but the boys are shocked yet again. But come on. Did they see that Italian Club awning? That awning is the way old people know they belong. The hunter green and cheap ass font is like a universal code to the over seventy set. This was clearly no strip club.

The ladies all drool at the young meat and give them cow eyes, excited to have before them men that don’t need viagra or a pacemaker. Lauren Hutton says that these women probably talk about what they did during the Eisenhower administration, which means he’s probably in the right demographic after all. I doubt any of those girls in the club the night before even know when that was. Possibly what it was.

MXC Brian waves at the lady in his best MXC way and they wave back on cue like we’re all in the “So long farewell” scene in The Sound of Music. Loves. So the boys are unleashed to work their magic. Todd’s strategy is to be sweet and genuine and he’s probably got this one in the bag since he’s the best friend to scores of women. Until one of them asks if he’ll be her “emotional outlet” and he starts crying.

Kevin shows up like he’s on a job interview for the American Legion.

What’s one of my weaknesses? Well, I have a tendency towards swamp ass.

Lauren Hutton asks what Bingo game they’re playing and drops some Bingo lingo, which immediately warms up the ladies. Apparently he used to be a hardened Bingo gambler on the riverboat. Really. ” Bingo”, “gambling” and “riverboat” all come out of his mouth. I don’t want to know.

But this is so his crowd. Apparently his main source of female interaction is at his “Bubbe’s retirement home” and he knows what the post-menopausal wanna hear. I mean, really Mystery. What did you expect? The main source of female interaction for these boys IS moms and grandmas. This underwhelms. He then compares himself to a performer on the Vegas strip. Retirees LOVE Vegas.

Even the (28 year-old) virgin is cake-walking. He calls the women “playful” and gives some good luck kisses all around.

Don’t tell my stuffie about this.

Simean pulls the old “schmooze and compliment” routine on these broads. And by “compliment” he means lie to their faces. He tells one lady she looks “not a day over thirty-five”.

And I don’t understand how you can’t get laid, son.

Simeon just wants to channel all his youthful energy and put it on them so they will have affection for him. Someone needs to tell him it’s gross to put one’s energy all over someone. Youthful or otherwise.

Back at the American Legion interview, Swamp Ass is talking about computers in high school and how old chicks have all the good stories. “Do you have any cool stories from World War II?” he asks with all the eagerness of a puppy. World War II? Are you serious? The “older chicks” give him death stare.

How about the one where I eff up your nose to look like mine, little man?

In his confessional he says that “older chicks are cool” because they have all the “cool stories”. Then god comes down and punches him in the face on behalf of older chicks everywhere. What an ass.

The Ringer is having an easy time, what with that baby face and all. He even initiates some kino escalation.

MXC Brian makes the joke of the day by calling the ladies “cougars” but “saber toothed” because they’re, like, pre-historic. Keep your eyes on this one, people. He was also the one who coined “smokin’ balls” last week. He is quickly gaining a special place in my heart for the sheer randomness of what comes out of his mouth.

The ladies don’t quite know what to make of him but it doesn’t matter because he has the performing his own choreography in minutes. I’d like to hear why MXC Brain shouldn’t just win right now.

Git it on!

“I love how you guys stink,” he announces to one table and cue the record scratch. Oh, take it easy on the poor guy. He really does love it. But I don’t think he really says “stink”. I listened to it more times than I will admit to and I heard “think” every time.

And with that, Mystery and the ladies in waiting come in to give them a new kind of Bingo game. A Bingo game with all their little faces instead of numbers. And why don’t we get a close up on that? Maybe I can ask production for one. Tell them I’m with “the media”. I’d frame it.

Anal beads are at stake, older chicks. Choose wisely.

They are going to select their “favorite student” with their “bingo marker”. Oh, boo, Mystery. You totally missed your opp to say “dauber”. I never get enough opportunities to say that one. So we see that (28 year old) Virgin gets a daub, one for Simeon. Clearly they’re not going to win. They’d never give the secret away that easily. This show is ALL about mystery and secrets!

All the guys think they have a good chance of winning, but Mystery tells us that the victory was a landslide. It has to be MXC Brian, right? Wrong. Lauren Hutton. Of course those old birds are gonna fall for tales of riverboat gamblin’. He totally pandered and had Bubbe practice. Not impressed.

He steps forward and accepts his victory with a gracious “thank you” barely containing his excitement that he is now on his way to create his own beaded jewelry collection with Mystery. Next weeks reward…scrapbooking with Matador.

Back at the Pad, Mystery and the gang arrive to teach the first lesson. Time to take notes for their first field test: Approach and open a set.

Requisite eye-boning shot.

Mystery goes over the nuances between a direct and indirect set, basically pointing out that if you directly compliment a girl she will think you are lame. So true! A friend of a friend messaged me on Myspace last week and said I was “dangerously sexy” and he wouldn’t be able “to say no to me”. How do you think that went for him? Nothing makes me respect a man like his inability to say no. I promptly LOL-ed and emailed our mutual friend to mock him. Don’t do it boys. But eel free to leave comments on my blog telling me how hot I am. I do need constant validation from strangers about my physical appearance.

Okay, aside over. Mystery says to do the indirect approach, trotting out the poor, beaten horse that is the “Did you see the fight outside?” line (Seriously, dude. END IT.) and the age old question, “Who lies more, men or women?” Oh, that’s easy…Men! Women don’t lie, we just tell adorable stories!

The boys are lapping this up. “These are great stories that make women think!” Simeon cries. So true! Women heart thinking! Way to clock in at 2008, Osama Bin Sexy.

Yes, it’s all about masking that your hitting on them. These are the secrets to the universe. At this point Mystery is just trying to get them to reach a “hook point” which is the point at which the girls actually want them there, instead of barely tolerating their presence. Once that happens, the boys have to invent a “false time constraint” or an “FTC” to be needlessly technical. This is where the man bases the relationship on a LIE. It all starts with that first lie and then it’s all downhill from there. And please. We know dudes come to stand-up bars to drink from plastic cups so they can try and get poontang. Y’all ain’t got nowhere to be.

He ushers the wings around and I think we’re gonna get a fun skit but this is all they give us and then they cut to something else.

Tara gets bitch slapped by Mystery and then welcomed into Matador’s crotch. Damn you, Vh1! Show us where this is going!

Instead we listen to Mystery tell them they have to go upstairs and practice their openers because tonight is going to be another huge, embarrassing failure AKA the “field test”. Kidding. They’re gonna do awesome.

Oh, but wait! Before we end this scene, Mystery reminds us that the winner wins a secret accessory and he dangles it in front him mysteriously. He won’t get to learn about it until later.

This is a sack. And then it drops. Someday you’ll learn aaaaall about it, boys.

(Btw, wtf is on Matador’s head that vaguely resembles hair? Is it made one of those fantastical spray-on thingies?)

So now the boys break into groups and practice on each other. Tara talks about how she wants someone to come up that’s “super fun” and “excited”. Super fun and excited? Yeah, I know what that means. Basically, she wants men that have cocaine on them. She should clarify because now (28 year old) Virgin and Radio Shack Karl are gonna come up acting overly hyped up, but not able to back it up. Girls HATE that.

Did someone say 8-ball?

They’re stoked to be working with Tara, but back in Mystery’s corner he’s teaching them actual strategy. He’s teaching them about the most useful tool in the gamer’s kit. “The Neg”. A slight, playful insult that should indicate disinterest, but also make the receiving party laugh. So true. A well executed Neg can honestly not be underestimated. It has the two-fold effect of getting a girl off her guard and rousing her interest even more. My Ex only speaks to me in Negs and this is possibly why we still hang out. I love to constantly be reminded my eyes are slightly crossed and I’m kind of retarded. Honestly, I’m totally in love with him.

The ‘Dor teaches the guys some talk-to-the-hand thing. And this is hot why? If a guy did that to me and my girls I doubt we’d chase after him. We’d think he was ca-razay, obvies!

Save this one for the gay bar, boys.

MXC Brian then decides to show us all how it’s really done. He lays down some “Pull My Finger” routine. (And…record scratch redux! Two in one episode! Hand over the prize now, producers. We’ll never let him go.) He then admits that this will best be executed once the girls are drunk. Much like everything else.

And now for some openers that girls are gonna have to be asked:

*Do women find Mick Jagger attractive?

*Would you date a guy named Herman?

*What do you think about girls and tattoos?

Um, are girls retarded? How about that one? This is supposed to be such a provocative line of questioning that our brains will be powerless to deny conversation. I can’t imagine the dating potential of the name “Herman” to be that provocation.

I’m beginning to lose faith in humanity but luckily I’m saved from hating my gender because now we get the secret accessory which is…A BOA. A PRIVATE FUCKING BOA LESSON. And I thought Mystery talking about “playing the hammer” was the height in homo-ness.

He has him reach in the bag and everything.

Deeper, deeper. Almost there.

This is how you “lock” the girl in.

If she resists that, use the fur handcuffs.

I feel like I need some time to recover from this moment in homoeroticism, but no time! Now it’s time for the boys to get ready and practice the above opener questions again like they’re off to perform Shakespeare in the park.

Mystery announces that tonight is the first time his students will be out in the field with his material and he’ll be looking to see how many sets they open and how successfully they rattle off questions no one sober would ever want to be asked. He talks about small steps and giant leaps but I’m so distracted by the white feather boa he’s wearing I just wanna be locked in and don’t give an ol’ hoot what that card is saying!

Outside the club, as usual Matador looks gay and Tara looks, well, like someone that would find those above questions actually provocative.

Once we’re done here, we’re gonna chuck it all and start a think tank.

And with a “Game on!” they’re thrust into battle.

Up first, Lauren Hutton comes on in, looking like he just came from a ragin’ Bachelorette party. Wow, what wouldn’t I give for a bridge-and-tunnel, feather boa sporting dude coming at me guns blazing. But…just like Mystery said, a girl appears interested in the boa. Damn you, females! Unfortunately Lauren Hutton would rather stare at the bottles lined against the bar and is a complete waste of space here. And Mystery just can’t get over what A WASTE of an ACCESSORY this is . Seriously, Lauren Hutton. Accessories are SEXUAL. Mystery seriously just won’t let it go. Mystery LOVES accessories.

And, seriously, do they just photoshop Matador in afterwards?

Matador make smoke balls, but he still just doesn’t get accessories like you do.

Lauren Hutton just can’t open any sets and he seems to be wandering about aimlessly. But then, luckily for him a girl approaches him about the boa. And Jesus H, I’m embarrassed Mys is right again. This time Matt drops a Neg and then locks her in. Good boy. Mystery, in his finest Canadian accent, compliments the accessory.

Lauren Hutton takes it back though, which is bad news. The girl’s friend jumps in and looks like she’s about to make out with her. HOTTT!!! But this is a classic save-your-friend-from-a-weirdo-dude-in-a-feather-boa move and this one I’m familiar with. This girl-on-girl is going nowhere. Alas.

Next up is Friend Todd and he opens a set about the Montel Williams show, negs her on an allegedly wiggling nose and flashes a truly charming smile. Oh, man, I never noticed those pearly whites. He’s a DOLL. Then he lays down the false time constraint and remains calm, cool and collected throughout the exchange. You’d think he’s the actual ringer but then we see the target.

I mean, come on. He didn’t pick one of the model-from-an-episode-of-Entourage lookalikes running around.

Of course this earns him a compliment on his earring, a glass of champagne and a toast. Well played, Todd. Well played.

The original ringer comes in with an opener that’s more like the most boring monologue you’ve ever heard. Oh, sweetcheeks, you gotta help me out here. I’m rooting for you.

Ouch. He tries again elsewhere with the tattoo line which takes flight quickly with one girl, but the friend isn’t involved in the discussion, and the friend is the one you have to get involved or she’ll execute her veto power real fast and you’ll be out. She doesn’t have to though because he exits the conversation of his own accord. I do get it. When I have to leave a scene, it’s physically painful for me to remain in a place a moment longer. Physically.

(28 year old) Virgin comes in and gives mad love to the whole place. I’m impressed. He opens a four set and speaks to the guy first. Always a good play. And wow, he is on fire! At one point one girl blows him off, and it was genuinely kinda c*nty. It wasn’t his fault.

Osama Bin Sexy comes in with his own charming smile and when he tries to open the set gets told to f*ck off by the dude. Man,what’s up with the assholes here? I at least give a fake, condescending smile. Mystery blames it on his high energy, but this could appeal to some girls who think he may be coming bearing narcotics. You’d be surprised.

He tries the spells question on this group and it goes over like a basket weaving lecture.

I liked it way better when Neil Strauss did it back in 2003.

Okay, these girls are plants and/or know they’re on Vh1. It’s getting gratuitous.

Mystery and Tara come to the defense of their little ones.

Maty doesn’t likey when Mommy and Daddy fight.

And now it’s time the token unfortunate blonde dye job of the season, Radio Shack Karl to also open with the same spells routine. Okay, if all of America didn’t know about this before the book ‘The Game’ and the first season of this show, OR from the dude running around the club with it fifteen minutes earlier, they deserve to sit through this horsesh*t Not one of the girls seem interested so he asks a question about them living here as he’s walking away. It’s awkward.

He starts talking to himself as he walks around and it’s a bad situation. Maybe he’ll have some new material for those guitar songs.

And MXC Brian on the scene to get us in a better mood! Let’s hope something wonderful comes out of his mouth. Like a pull-your-finger bit. Tara says that his HAIR could be an opener. Tara’s getting her own show next season. She’s just too much.

MXC goes right into a five set with the Mick Jagger line, but doesn’t engage the guys which will quickly freeze him out. Seeing he’s about to crash and burn he goes where no other man will dare to go, which is using The ‘Dor’s line, “I like pickle juice.” It rules and Matador kinda freaks out.

Oh, hey, man. I didn’t realize you were in here.

The girls giggle and Matador confirms what we all are feeling: MXC Brian rules. Endearing, likeable, fearless. In his next set he uses the Jagger line again but this time introduces himself to the guy and this helps open the group up to him. And he really is likeable to everyone. Then he does a funny accent (Accents are go-to humor, people. Through in an accent and the laughter rolls.) He also spins a girl and gets a hug and then picks a girl up. Holy cow! This dude is on fire. He’s beating Todd in my opinion.

Swamp Ass is up and he informs us he’s got vomit mouth, but that little disturbing fact doesn’t keep him from approaching a set pell mell and disorienting everyone in the process with his onslaught of openers. I mean, whew. Tara tut-tuts him for cursing too much. Ladies don’t like cursing. Thank god I don’t know anything about that.

He really is just a litany of what not to do. He repeats openers, he excludes the men, he swears like a sailor or me. I’m telling you. He should’ve stuck with the periodic table shirt. Tara announces that he has an air of desperation, which is the kiss of death/so true.

A moment of silence for the desperate and sad dudes everywhere. These fools pray for you.

Kevin is “miscalibrated” according to The ‘Dor. Where does Matador come up with these big words? Surely they’re not teaching him that at his part time stint at Rough Trade. What the hell does that even mean?

So now we’ve seen everyone and it’s time to go out to the parking lot and announce the winner. This person gets applauded for opening multiple sets successfully and having such infectious enthusiasm and knowing how to utilize a well-placed accent for humorous effect…MXC Brian!

He is delighted and it couldn’t have happened to an awesomer, record scratch inducing dude. He gets not only saved from elimination, but the opportunity to pick two wing men that are also safe from elimination. Which means now the dilemma arises of who to pick. According to Brian they’re like “a hair on his butt”. Hmm. Intimate. It’s hard to pick between those hairs on your butt. Oh, who am I kidding? Everything he says is just adorable. We also learn in this conversation that he’s been out there with these guys for two weeks now. What the hell have they been doing out there for two weeks?

Next day they’re all nervous for the ceremony, even safe MXC Brian who is at a loss on who to pick. MXC Brian is a sensitive creature.

Every hair on my butt has a special place in my heart.

Vomiting in the name of friendship? Stay tuned for “Ragin’ Asian of Love” to follow in the gilded footsteps of “Daisy of Love” and “Real Chance of Love”. Vh1 loves love.

Vomit noises here.

Then he comes back from his confesh but still cries more back in the house. He’s really taking this wing man thing to heart. I thought it was about saving your friends but apparently he’s looking for a wing man that can “collaborate with him”, like they’re recording an album and going on a world tour of love, light and groupies.

And now for the symbol breakdown, which I can’t listen to because then I feel like I’m endorsing this D&D subculture. And I already had to sit through shitty Max Pane and its butchery take on Norse Mythology this week. Enough with the weirdos and their runes!

Btw, does anyone else think Tara looks like a ‘luuded out blow up doll for these group segments?

So MXC Brian steps up to get his white rune and then announce which two busters he’s saving…he hems, haws, hems and Mystery has to prompt him to get on with it already. And… the two Ringers get called out! Mystery acknowledges how well Friend Todd did, but Greg Ringer gets a little slap on the wrist for being ass-boring. The three of them are dismissed and it’s time for Mystery to handle the rest of ‘em.

(28 year old) Virgin gets called out for leaving the sets too soon. Blonde Karl didn’t recover after his first rejection. Osama Bin Sexy is over-the-top with his energy level. And Lauren Hutton just sucked hard with his inability to give proper love and devotion to the BOA. IT’S MAGIC IN MY HANDS!! blares Mystery. And Swamp Ass is oblivious to how much people don’t like him.

So the first medallion goes to (28 year old) Virgin who did actually do better than anyone expected. Lauren Hutton gets the next medallion because he was saved by the girl who came up to him and because Mystery loves the boa.

But now we’re down to the wire. Who’s going to stay because none of these three were good. Osama Bin Sexy is saved but is reminded AGAIN that he needs to take that energy level down several hundred notches.

And it’s between Radio Shack Karl and Swamp Ass. You know there’s something about Karl that reminds me of Neil Strauss? Does anyone else see this? Tara thinks that Karl has potential if he could conquer his self-doubt and Matador tries to speak up for Swamp Ass but only winds up insulting him with a homoerotic metaphor about running out of fields to plow. At least he’s consistent.

Mystery decides to go with his gut on this one.

And his gut wants some acid-refulx relief.

Blonde Karl has hit rock bottom which Mys can totes relate to and Swamp Ass is friendly but repetitive and swearing far too much. That’s irritating for the people in post, dude.

So we’re keeping Karl. Meh. Saw that coming. Maybe cause he senses the Neil Strauss-like aura, too.

The strike out king lives. Older chicks watch out.

Swamp is dismissed and I have to say he just needs to stick with that damn science shirt.

And now we get the montage. And wasn’t it that Augustana song last season? I loved that shit. Now as I’m supposed to be sentimental about what he’s saying I’m trying to figure out what this year’s goodbye music is and when I realize it’s that damn Keane song from 2004 I curse myself for wasting what could have been a poignant goodbye. Did I miss anything?

Next week they’re strapped into those blood pressure machines which looks totally corny. Cosmo shows up and that dude is definitely corny. Next week might suck but will still probably rule in that sucky kind of way. That’s the Mystery magic.

Okay, next week I’m swamped with non-funny writing and will be really really late unless Flip rounds up a sub. I hate to share my boys, but will for do it for you.

Love, IS