Pick Up Artist 2: Reunited and it Feels so Kino

What are we, chopped liver?

I know, I know. A week without me. And we’re already down to the final six! Are we really picking them off this quickly? I feel like we were just getting started on crazy adventure to find lust (with girls) and love (with men). This week the men attempt to make physical contact with the women which may or may not be legal in most states. But let’s get back to the important things in life: The Pick Up Artist 2.

Kidding! We’re just happy to be back and LOL-ing at chumps, too.

So muchos apologies for last week. I missed the Pick Up Artist as much as my cold heart allows me to miss anything. Turned out no one could sub and I got buried under piles of whatevertheblah I get paid the big bucks to write, but now I’m locked in the glass box at the Standard Hotel in Hollywood (seriously) and I am using this cage time to focus on you, gentle readers. You and your Pick Up Artists needs. Please accept this really really fast turnaround as my sincere apology.

I did manage to peep the episode last week and saw that Karl went with little fanfare. (Who else thought Lauren Hutton really really should have went home and Karl was robbed? By “else” I mean, I totes thought him and his Neil Strauss vibe should have been spared to mess up another week. Damn you, Ringer, for keeping that feather- boa-droppin’-the-accessory-ball fool around.) So now we’re left to pick up the pieces.

Enter PUA training camp at night. MXC Brian is talking about how sick he still gets sending people home. Sensitive soul. I wish I understood what that’s like.

If you need me, I’ll be in here blowing chunks over the next hair to get plucked off my butt.

And as soon as (28 year old) Virgin comes in, the tears start to flow. God, the charm school hos put this group to shame. Virgin can’t even speak he’s so shaken and the boys prop him up bolstering him up with talk about how he really deserves to be there. Debatable.

We don’t want the Virgin label to start appearing under to our names, chief.

Of course Lauren Hutton is glad Virgin’s there. He can’t be a hater when his ass was vocally called out as the one who should be sent home. He says that Virgin should be there by virtue of the fact that he works so hard, not the fact that he’s good at anything. Spoken like a true loosah.

The chorus of “step up my games” are chanted and the vibe stays grim and boring until MXC Brian lets one rip in the bathroom. Boys and their farts are funnee!!!

So next day Mystery announces that there will be no elimination for another few days so now we’re gonna release some tension. No, dirty minds, we’re not about to have a circle jerk, we’re gonna have some fun touching women! Not better than a circle jerk at Camp Homo, but it’s part of the curriculum.

Who styled the wings this week? A peace sign belt and blazer vest? My middle school wardrobe called. It wants its look back.

But before we actually release any tension, we’re going to embarrass the guys further. Way to build them up just to let them down, buttercup. Mystery is going to make them talk about how far they’ve gone with the ladies. Ha. How many different ways can you say “not very”?

MXC Brian is up first and he confesses the farthest he’s gone with a girl is the ol’ grab-and-run. Which simply means he grabbed a girl’s boob and ran. Tara busts out with an LOL but I’m all, WTF? That’s okay? It was Halloween though and apparently the girl looked like Shamu so yeah, it is okay.

Todd describes himself as a “late bloomer” and didn’t have his first kiss till eighteen. Mystery compassionately empathizes by confessing he didn’t de-virginize till twenty-one. Aw, gay loser bonding. It melts my empty heart cavity.

(28-year old) Virgin lists piggy-back rides in the third grade as the highlight of his sexual experience.

Chris Hansen’s next riveting show: To Catch a Dork.

So today we’re gonna meet a professional sexologist, which I do believe is a degree program nowhere. But whatevs, she helps people with intimacy issues for a living, so she’s probably doing more good for the world than I am wreaking havoc on the hearts of men everywhere.

She’s brought in some girl from a casting call in the Valley to play the role of “Assistant” and Mystery turns the boys over to these two.

“Mystery teaches you how to mentally stimulate a woman, but what he doesn’t teach you is that most women are about as smart as we are so it doesn’t really matter anyway. Hee hee.”

She’s going to teach them how to be better lovers, but that would require them to be lovers. This one’s got her work cut out! Go, Dr. Sex, go!

She drags out a mannequin whose bangs are as long as mine are these days and tells them to demonstrate what they would do to arouse her.

“Ha ha. This is Mystery and we’re Tara and Matador! Now come up here and let those fantasies of what you want to do with Mystery run wiiild. He sure do look pretty, huh?”

Simeon is up first and he brushes the hair, and oops, knocks the wig off. Gotta watch a bitch and her weave. Then he fake kisses her and simulates the oral. Well that’s one way to say hello there, mister.

(28 year old) Virgin busts some eskimo kisses and caresses her in a way that would really irritate me. Next.

MXC Brian tells us that this should be cake for him because he once googled “how to make out”. I once googled “how to make money writing recaps” and well, let’s just say I contemplate moving into my parents’ basement more times than is healthy for an individual my age. Not sure how solid the “google” strategy is.

He gives the mannequin crazy eye and somehow chokes on it.

It worked with Captain Tenneal.

Sexologist describes to them what an erogenous zone and says she’s going to demo on the “assistant” where these zones are. She talks like she’s a soap actress trying to get laid. I totally take her seriously.

She tongue f*cks Assistant’s earlobe. Then she giggles over the nape of her neck. She caresses her breast which we don’t get to see. She talks about sticking your tongue in a girls’ bellybutton, which is about as erogenous as fingering my ear.

Is it me or is this forced, thinly veiled attempt at girl-on-girl action totally lame? I mean, this is coming from a girl in her undies in a glass box on display in Hollywood at the moment, but really, I’m falling asleep. And her delivery for real bugs.

Back to the “lesson”, now we have hips, back of the knee, I’m more impressed with the nice waxing job the Assistant has.

What about D) You’ve just totally made me lose my boner, Vh1?

And…that’s class. And now Mystery is back with news of the reward challenge. Seriously, what happened to promises of rest and relaxation and circle jerks? I was ready to kick back. Mystery is no joke when it comes to gettin’ laid. This is a forced march to pussy, boys.

Anywhores, the boys are going to practice on the sexologist and aren’t they lucky?

Did I mention the secret, most erogenous zone of them all…the chompers??

She looks like Anna Paquin there. So they’re going to do this thing in total darkness so they can rely only on their senses not related to sight and she can’t play favorites, not that there could be one at this point.

The reward will be what Mystery considers to be one of the “Pick Up Artist’s Best Tools”, his DVD box set which retails for $450. Kidding. Not about the price though. The mysterious box he waves in front of them is too small for that. It’s an earpiece that Mystery will put in the winner’s ear to give them advice when they’re in the field that night. That shit is priceless. That’s way better than the DVD set.

So it’s time for the challenge and a shirtless Simeon is up first. Not a bad body. But what is bad is the fast and furious approach he takes with this business. Sexologist begs him to slow down as he face rapes her neck but too late. Some overactive salivation gland has been set off and he can’t stop slobbering all over her.

Todd is next and he is clearly nervous with the pitch darkness. He slows down but is visibly nervous. FAIL.

Lauren Hutton is next and he is far more successful in pleasuring the sex scientist.

This is gonna be so good for my soap reel. CAA will want me now, bitches!

And are these really only 90 seconds each? They seem to go on forever. In the debriefing room, Simeon gets totally called out for taking his shirt off. Ha! That was on the creeperton side of things, eager beaver.

The Ringer is up next and Mystery is clearly excited to see him go. He even calls him his “Buddy”. Huh? Did some mysterious bonding take place I don’t know about? I must be kept abreast of these developments! And look at him go! They even play some Top 40 R&B song for them. He hits all the zones and she writhes in what appears to be pleasure. Ringer.

MXC Brian is up next, so of course hilarity ensures. She’s getting walked on and mauled and gets hair in her face. He describes it as licking a dog. And that’s how you know it was good. Dog licking is hot stuff. And sho nuff, he comes out though licking a dog was his favorite activity in the world. He can’t even contain himself and jumps up and down like he got ants in this damn pants. Mystery and the gang agree that MXC Brian rules. And we all agree. He’s a ray of sunshine in this world gone mad.

So finally (28 year old) Virgin is up and lets see if he gets a piggy back ride out of this one. He barges right in to give her…a hug? He hugs her like she’s his grandma and then rubs her legs like he’s making sure that moisturizer gets fully absorbed. He admits that by going last he had a lot of time for the nerves to build up, but if he went first he would have said that was nerve-wracking, so not buying what you’re selling, my friend.

Dork officially caught.

Mystery calls it clumsy, but Tara says that’s how it is at first, to which Matador interjects that you gotsta break a few eggs to make an omelette. Oh Maty, you are bowling me over with your continued cleverness this season. With the mission complete, the boys all cheer so loudly that Mystery and the wings hear. I think it’s a touching moment, but I’m just shocked that this is all over the sexologist.

Everyone comes out to discuss who wins the challenge and…it’s Lauren Hutton. It was gonna be between him and the Ringer but I guess she went with the guy who gave her the best reel fodder. He’s ceremonially presented with the Ear Bud, but all ceremonial dignity is gone with the continuous use of the word “Ear Bud”.

So now in our continuing lack of rest and relaxation at the ranch, it’s time for today’s lecture. And today’s lecture is to talk about about my favorite thing to talk about. “KINO ESCALATION”. It’s the most high flatulent expression for touching a girl ever and I try to use it as much as possible. Which isn’t much, but I don’t go around hitting on that many girls either. So let’s enjoy repeating this expression as much as we possibly can today, gang.

Basically you have to start with arm-and-arm before you hug and then hug before you kiss. I’s like ESCALATING your KINESTHETIC actions. It’s brilliant. Mystery calls it a series of compliance tests, which I think is an odd word and has a vaguely submissive overtone to it.

This is gonna test to see if that bitch is gonna COMPLY, son.

He even says if she does it you say, “good girl”. I’m feeling like I wanna renew my NOW memebership as he says it. You have to get IOIs (Indicators of Interest) in order to kino escalate and this is demonstrated in things like touching your hand or sucking your dick.

Mystery tells them that tonight will be the night that they learn how to kiss close. They are going to calibrate to a woman’s comfort level and see if she wants to. He reminds them that they need to be aware of her cues that she wants it because attempting to when a woman doesn’t want it would be disastrous. Or hilarious. Let’s hope someone tries.

Matador tells them there’s different levels of mouth kissing, which is news to no one except these individuals. A peck on the lips is different than a french kiss. Intercourse is way different than sticking the tip in.

But girls believe you every time you say it isn’t.

MXC Brian (Seriously. Is he an actor? This is out of American Pie.) tells us that one time he tried to make out with a folded piece of ham, but it was too salty. Ha! Girls always salty. Clearly he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

So the sessions are over and Mystery tells them that they’re going in the field tonight and it’ll be a test, y’all. Their object is to kiss close. The boys are nervous. They can’t afford to mess up and everything rides on doing something they can’t even do without the pressure of national television.

And here they go! Up first is Simeon of the shirtless persuasion and his fast and furious strategy is in effect yet again. Opening a set immediately with a Dirty Dancing quote and keeping the energy level sky high. At least one girl in the set likes it and does this in-and-out jabbing thing with the straw in her drink as she talks to him. Everyone picks up on this unconscious IOI.

You and I know all about that, don’t we?

Simeon busts some kino escalation by twirling the girl around AND calls her a good girl. (The gang loves it.) Mystery points out that even if he doesn’t kiss either of these girls, he’s still “social proofing” the room. And Simeon does an excellent job of bantering, making a droll comment about them being from Pennsylvania and then moves the set for a lock-in, in record time. He positions himself correctly, but can’t quite seem to get the kino escalation to take off.

Blowjob face negates subtle knee touching every time.

He says that he has to go but asks for a number and not the kiss, which Mystery points out was not the objective. We’ll see how hard Mystery takes him to task for that one. Hopefully he rides it hard as I know he can.

So Todd is up next and opens up a two set. He gets his chops busted right away by asking two girls which Olsen twin is hotter. They rudely ask, “What does it matter?” and in this instance I side with the ladies. I’d be just as rude if a guy came up and asked me which Hilton sister I thought was prettier. I know I look dumb, but there are some ass hat questions you just don’t ask me. But please ask me what I think about Scream Queens. PLEASE ask me what I think about Scream Queens.

It takes him a second but he does recover. Two other girls take the bait and he easily isolates them, but loses them when they don’t know what a “meerkat” is. That’s the kind of girl you’re gonna get if you want to talk about the hotness of the Olsen twins.

Do you do weird things with them like Richard Gere? Is that why you’re smiling like that?

Once the meerkat fumble occurs, he can’t recover. The girl won’t give him her number and suddenly he looks a little pathetic. He even demands the number and says “Do it”. That’s only sexy when it comes with date rape.

Lauren Hutton comes in with Mystery in his ear. Mystery tells him to go for the hottest set and work backwards. According to my eye, he approaches just any old girls and blares on about how he just finished a “caper” with his friends and they’re celebrating. Now I’d ask wtf he was talking about and if he was confusing himself with a character in a ’40s noir film, but the girl cutely replies that she likes capers on her pasta. I like capers, too!!

He also has a flirty rapport with them and negs the target as Mystery instructs. He isolates the group and does some hand-holding, with Mystery’s cue to not drag the girl. These boys have to be told everything. Once there he does some of the patent material and keeps the girls engaged. But alas no kino.

However, a gaggle of girls arrives and surrounds him, making him look like the popular kid. They talk about their panties and some drawers are even removed from handbags as evidence of complete and total sluttiness. Way to go, ladies! Let’s talk about the Olsen twins. And, for good measure, they’re stuffed in the clutch alongside the prophylactics!

I need to change my panties a few times a night if you get where I’m going with this. How does $50 sound?

“This was the guy doing scarf tricks last weekend,” yells Matador, getting much laughter from the gang. But alas, at the end of the day, Lauren Hutton never kiss closes. The guys apparently all think this is number week on the Pick Up Artist. Mystery shouts at him to take the target away from the group and to lead her by the hand, but he takes her hand, kisses it and asks for the number. Hero to Zero.

And apparently the good people at Vh1 are reading my recaps because they’re finally calling a spade a spade.

Okay, Miss Sensation Pants, you were right all along that he’s a doll. And even though he won both the challenge and the field test last week we’re gonna say he has no game.

Fine. I’ll play along, Vh1.

So the Ringer opens with the weather line which has worn a little thin on everyone and the gang throws up their hands in annoyance. You taught it to them, jackasses. They’re your horny little Frankensteins. You only have yourselves to blame.

They all deny teaching it to them, but they got it somewhere. Liars. And the whole thing is executed a little shoddily. The girls aren’t into the weather. He tries to get them to move a little too soon. It’s not his finest moment. He does manage to get a group of four blondes on a couch, but he doesn’t ever isolate a target, nor do the girls have any fun and the girls all “explode” away from him.

Pyrotechnics courtesy of Mystery. Fake smile courtesy of Tara. Kino escalation courtesy of Matador.

(28 year old) Virgin comes in with the label “crybaby” this week. Nice. Mixin’ it up. He casually approaches one girl and she responds with such enthusiasm it appears she’s gaming him. She’s all asking for a high five. He implements another kino step and gets the group to a couch. They just love ‘im. He touches shoulders and back massages and day-um! Look at Virgie go! He’s doing the karate chop and everything.

Don’t piggy back the girl.

He borrows a friend and takes her to the dance floor and DANCING. Virgin dance. Then he goes in for a kiss on the cheek and she doesn’t balk. This is the closest we’ve had to a bona fide kiss all night! It’s a triumphant moment and you can’t help but be proud of the little fella.

So last but certainly not least, the highlight of the field tests, MXC Brian. He’s in and looking for some folded ham to swap spit with. He goes in for a four set and Mystery says that to maneuver this he has to snip and stack. Now, I’ve been around these seduction community fools for a while and I have no idea what he’s talkin’ bout with this snip and stack business.

But apparently he does it because some bitch starts to go off on a tangent and he cuts her off with a “hold on, back to me” and that’s how it’s done, y’all. He’s pretty hilarious. He’s so absurd it’s hilarious, but they eventually walk away.

So back in the parking lot Mystery announces that even though no one kissed, someone still impressed. He is the most transformed. He’s the underdog and yes he comes out on top….(28 year old) VIRGIN! He lets out a victorious girlish giggle the Rock of Love girls wouldn’t be caught dead with.

Do I win a piggy back ride?

He’s safe from elimination, no mention of leap frog, piggy back or any other related childhood game.

Back at the house the boys are suddenly looking more and more stylish for these eliminations. At least they’ll look good when they get axed! My, how far we’ve come.

So we cut right to the chase and get the ceremony. We learn what this week’s rune is okay I don’t hear actual English when he goes into the spiel but I’m pretty sure it stands for “LAME”.

But wait! Before these very precious medallions are bestowed upon our young jedis Mystery has to go into his speech about how he’s not sure if a REAL pick up artist is in the mix. You see, they’re all improving, but not one person achieved the objective. They should be waaaay further along by now. He’s given this talk before and I know he’ll give it again. This is like another erogenous zone lesson in terms of interesting material.

It takes more than some guyliner and a scented candle to do what I do, minions.

Virgin did win though and it’s time for him to choose his partners-in-botched-pick-up-attempts. But, ho! Hold up! He doesn’t get to pick nary a one. This makes me feel like we’re getting down to the wire, but didn’t we just start this shit? I’ve only written two recaps! (Okay I missed a week, but STILL. This shit is flying.)

Virgin peaces out and Mystery goes through his notes on everyone. Simeon’s energy was still out of contrizzol. Ringer had some bricks for openers. MXC Brian couldn’t get past his wall. Todd became a hoverer. Lauren Hutton didn’t know how to take advantage of a situation where a girl showed him interest. Suckas.

MXC Brian gets the first medallion because he’s just so damn adorable to watch. Lauren Hutton has displayed vast improvement so he’s up next. And who will it be? They’ve all had strong moments, but this weak wasn’t their finest. Simeon gets his next, and now it’s down to the two cuties.

Keep the Ringer!! I like Todd, too, but the Ringer can’t go…he’s the ringer! (Plus isn’t he Mystery’s buddy?) Last week they were both at the top and now they’re at the bottom. Matador tells the Ringer not to rely on his looks. Tara tells Todd not to rely on his smile. Um, welcome to the department of the redundancy department. They both should stay in my opinion, but I do think the Ringer is a tad stronger. And he’s in.

Good-bye sweet-faced, Todd. Game over.

How bout if I use this face? That better, bitch?

Keane sends us off with a touching tribute and Todd tells us Mystery taught him the best of humanity. I choke on the water I’m drinking but have to remind myself that these boys hadn’t met anyone before this show.

So, what do you think? Which pretty boy did you think should go? Or did they both get wrongfully put in the bottom?

I won’t be locked in my cage next Monday so I can’t promise this quick of a turnaround, but at least you won’t be abandoned. You’re the best! Your comments make it all worth my time and made me feel really guilty about not being able to deliver. Aren’t you proud you’ve penetrated my psyche?

Much much love,

InternetSensation