Pick Up Artist 2: Wings get dinged.

Let’s just rename this show now: Dick Up Artist, anyone?

This was the freeze frame we settled on to leave on the TV after the Pick Up Artist viewing party last Sunday, which means it’s no longer debatable: This is the gayest hour on television, people. Look at this love, this satisfaction. It’s a moving spectacle. But at least for now, they’re still pretending to hit on girls and care about it, so we’re here for yet another delightful week of kino escalation and IOIs. Let’s get started.

Place your bets, everyone. It’s the fireside guess-who’s-coming-back-to-the-circle-jerk chat post-rune ceremony. The boys admit that it could be (28 year old) Virgin coming back as he has been underestimated this whole time and has really been coming on what his all his pimp gear and theater talk. Force to be reckoned with and whatnot.

The Ringer hopes it is Virgin because he doesn’t talk about pickle juice like MXC Brian does. Hear, hear. Actually he uses the word “improvement” to describe the difference, but same thing. And…enter Virgin stage left. And they might as well play a funeral dirge for how somber these events are.

Let his memory be a testimony to the toxic effects of pickle juice consumption.

Virgin intuitively knew it would come down to him and MXC Brian. The clown versus the actor. It’s like a metaphor for life or something. Anyway. Osama Bin Sexy thinks that now that that MXC Brian and his clown antics are gone the tone will be more serious. This is the FINAL FOUR after all. No more time for orange tan comments and salami make out sessions. Actually I think the salami make out sessions are still going on.

Anymanho, it’s time for today’s challenge which will be going down at the Sunflower Farmers’ Market! Aw, yeah. Day Game. And Mystery is dressed accordingly for some morning grocery shopping.

The classic walk of shame outfit for the World of Warcraft set.

A true pick up artist can attract women anywhere, he insists. Even while buying hemorrhoid cream. Okay he doesn’t say that, but I’d like to see someone pull that off. There’s a whole list of items that you could purchase at a store that I bet could never get you tail. I’ll send Mystery my notes. Anyway, while they’ve been learning things that can be applied to day game, day game is an equally nuanced Art Form, one that is a course of study at your local école des beaux arts.

All this talk of “different skill set” blah blah blah really means “just try extra hard not to seem like creepy douche, capiche?” At night time you can get really close to girls, neg harder and banter fast and quick. Day Game you have to water that shit down. Frighteningly, these boys are going to have to act casual, like a regular person. Where does that fit into your avatar-waging, D&D underworld, Mystery? How can you throw them this curveball? This acting like yourself horseshit defeats the purpose.

We learn that Tara and Matador did a hostile takeover of poor, unsuspecting Sunflower Farms and set up a surveillance room so the gang can watch them harass the shoppers. And ideally snag some digits, too. Let’s get started.

Lauren Hutton’s up first leading with what he affectionately refers to as his “tremendous approach anxiety”. This should go well. He opens a set of Luna-purchasers with, “As a man, will eating a Luna bar hurt me?”

Here. Take twelve.

Actually he says that he’ll have two and the girl actually likes his bold Luna style. She hovers for a minute waiting for him to take it to the next masculine level now that he’s amped up on Luna bars, but he can’t get enough of those tasty, low sugar treats. She moves on, while Lauren Hutton studies the label for information on caloric content. Well played. If the goal was to wolf Luna Bars.

So we watch him peruse the produce aisle and Matador exclaims, “He’s actually shopping!” He’s so surprised and his delivery so earnest, it’s a genuinely funny moment. Score one for the ‘Dor.

And behold:

Freudian shop.

The easy listening muzak plays on as Lauren Hutton casually tosses a onion in his hand. “There’s an eight set of asparagus!” jokes Mystery. Tara tries to riff off that and it kind of sucks. And he knows that he froze and spent more time eyeing produce than ladies. “How many times can you look at the same cucumber?” demands Matt. The jokes write themselves.

Up next is Virgin. The gang thinks that he’ll be more comfortable here and sure enough, he is friendly and conversational at the chocolate fountain, and he opens a set, then opens an adjacent one. He brilliantly asks the girls what the moisturizer smells like, because who doesn’t love the ol “smell my hand” routine. It’s always something good when you hear those words.

Then he asks to see the girl’s hands and her friend asks if he’s going to do patty-cake. “No, no,” he assures her, building her up for something more profound. Instead he does a dance move I think I saw in Dirty Dancing, where they touch palms and move them in a wide circle. She’s confused, too.

That’s funny. Some guy asked me about a quote from Dirty Dancing just two aisles ago.

His excuse for this hand-to-hand dork out is that she reminded him of someone he used to do theater. Ah, the theater talk. Let’s see if these girls like actors any better. You know, the mirror game! he insists. And she complies with the kino escalation and he gets the number. Virgin attributes this to the fact he feels more comfortable in his day-to-day routine. I attribute it the fact that girls will give out their number just to escape the situation.

And now for Simeon. Still in that GD cowboy hat. (Thank god he ditched it for the viewing party or I would have smacked it off him.) And while standing in front of the greens, choosing between butter lettuce and arugula, he asks a girl three times in a row if she thinks Mick Jagger is sexy. She stares at him blankly the first two times, so it makes sense he just keeps repeating it like a broken toy.

“Let’s see where this goes!” crows Mystery, which means he shares my sentiments that sometimes a girl just wants to get her baby spinach without factoring in an decrepit rock star’s physical appearance. She turns to face him while he natters on, but he never takes his eyes off the leafy green department. As Tara puts it, “He looks like a crazy man talking to vegetables.”

I want the this cabbage’s opinion. Not yours, carrot top.

So he doesn’t even notice when she completely walks off. Mostly because she wasn’t exactly sure who he was addressing. It’s not a proud moment.

Moving on to the chocolate fountain, he angles for a girl wearing an “I like boys” shirt. Sometimes it helps to have an easy target. He already has the XY thing working in his favor, so maybe now he’ll speak directly to her.

And this girl really does like boys. She asks if she should lick the chocolate flirty-like, but Simeon just comments on the fruit, unable to spike any DHV whatsoever. But he senses she’s interested so he just immediately asks if she wants to come to a pool party. She’s all brah, we haven’t even exchanged names.

Well your shirt doesn’t specify that you wanted a boy with a name, now does it? Simeon nails his coffin with an aggressive, “So, what is it?” Girls respond well to that. She gives him her number, proving again my theory that the number is deployed as a escape.

Please don’t touch me.

And then he kisses he on the cheek. The gang explodes in horror.

It is quite possible Simeon displayed no value whatsoever, but he proudly claims that he did none of the routine, all kino, punctuated by over-the-top energy..and he still got it! But Mystery is still not impressed, which if he hasn’t noticed, is the real goal here.

Last is the Ringer. He wanders through a little unsure of what to do and gets all up into the Luna display like Lauren Hutton did. He stares at a girl until she leaves and then attempts to open her as she walks away. Also painful. He engages her about uninteresting chit chat and she stumbles away as quickly as possible.

So he tries the “would you date a guy named Herman” opener, which lands him a convo, but REALLY PEOPLE, would you have this type of conversation with anyone at the grocery store? If anyone even so much as tries to interrupt me as I beeline for the hot bar at Whole Foods for mac & cheese, I will bean them with a coconut water.

It makes things worse that he’s chewing the Luna bar with his mouth open. And he continues to hover until the camera mercifully cuts to the next scene.

But you should be embarrassed about the way you chew. And approach women.

Well that looked fun! says Mystery as they gather back together.. Or like the visual equivalent of swallowing nails. Potato, Potahto. He says that Lauren Hutton and the Ringer need to get out of their heads and not be so afraid to pull the trigger. Simeon got a number, but it was our Virgin who displayed some smooth gaming though. He easily wins. He giggles that he feels like a pimp.

Back at the house, Lauren Hutton complains that he has to dumb himself down at the club. What he really wants to talk about when he goes out in the world is France’s socialist policies. I mean, nothing makes me want to discuss political systems like hearing top forty hip-hop cranked in my ear and a $10 mixed drink in my hand. I can relate. He understands it’s not club talk, but literally says, “That’s in my wheelhouse.” Wow. You lure her in with cheeky, glib banter and then she’s stuck with your theories of French government. This cannot be good. Also, never say something is in your “wheelhouse” unless you want to look like the type of douchebag that like lives for discussing Western Europe’s proclivity towards socialism.

Speaking of, here comes the gang to work on today’s lesson. The next component of the game is to work with a wingman. Master PUAs rely on their wingmen in the field, where two players synchronize in the same strategy. They DHV spike each other, says Matador. (They’ve been DHV spiking each other this whole time, ‘Dor. Har, har.) Therefore his value is “preloaded” into the target’s head and has an easier time.

Does Bolshevik Russia figure into this somewhere? I would really like if it did.

They work with an “AI”, an accomlishment introduction, which serves as a conversation starter. Instead of using it for yourself, you use it for your wing. This gets the Virgin a-thinkin’ about what would be good for him. He says his bank account would Definitely be one of these things. Yeah, when you don’t go out on dates with girls, dudes tend to save a lot of money. He smiles smugly. I laugh mockingly.

They also have a yes/no code to indicate when the wing should leave so they can go in for the target. They have to overcome any potential obstacles for each other and for the challenge will have to isolate the target, kino escalate and make out. And because Virgin won, he gets to pick his wingman. He picks the Ringer, leaving Simeon and Lauren Hutton to discuss civil economics and cowboy hats. Should be fun.

The Ringer and Virgin work with Mystery go off to work with Mystery and Simeon and Lauren Hutton with Matador.

No, no. The kino escalation is for the girls, not you guys.

Afterwards Simeon and Lauren Hutton talk about putting money on who’s going to win. Oh, those boys. Lauren Hutton talks about what funny guys they are. He even describes them as “Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner”. Wow, what a relevant comedic reference. That’ll be a surefire winner with the club girls. They can’t shut about Old Jewish Comedians. They’ll think you’re just a stitch!

The Ringer also thinks that he’s in the right pair. They dap to that in the car on the way over. In the other seat, Simeon is doing his “what movie is this from” routine which always follows with “nobody puts baby in a corner.” Wow, way to bowl us over with your obscure chick flick movie trivia. Every week he trots this beaten pony out and I wish someone would tell him to pick something other than the most famous contemporary chick flick movie quote ever. He should just do the Meg Ryan orgasm scene from “When Harry met Sally” and some Jack and Rose Titanic shit to complete the trifecta.

And then I’ll touch her like I touch you. Kidding. I’d never do that.

And now it’s club time! Mystery gives an intro speech about how tonight’s field test is all about Trust. If you can’t trust your wingman you might as well throw in the towel on life itself. The bond between wings is like an ass and its hairs. Mystery reminds them that included in this Trust pact is trust that they’ve given them solid material, subtly pointing out that lately these fools have been going at it with their own asinine icebreakers and going down a path of humiliation.

The goal is to make out with a bitch and this is gonna be a big one for these guys. The Ringer confesses that he’s never kissed a girl within a few minutes of meeting. Well, cleeeearly you haven’t had enough booze then. That makes anyone wanna tongue lock in no time at all! Try it, Ringer! Drunk girls = sloppy make outs 4 evs!

They each get their own special section at the back of the club to bring their hos back to and the winning team will get immunity. Let’s play!

Up first we get The Ringer and Virgin. Virgin strolls through the club solo and inquires as to whether everyone is having a good time like he’s a mother at a wedding. It would weird me out to see a dude wandering through a club, inquiring into my good time, but this girl’s a taker.

Were you asking me that because you work here and can get me free drinks?

He then settles on the solo girl above as she volunteers her name and a few minutes of her time very graciously. Some other girls stroll by and he invites them into the party. Turns out they’re her friends and they’re all ready to have a good time with our sexless wonder. A few seconds later the Ringer pops by and Virgin gives him the code to keep wandering. He hasn’t primed the set yet.

So the Ringer sallies forth and the set priming begins. He mentions that he’s jealous of the Ringer’s extensive traveling and the first girl that opened the set begins yammering on about all this impressive backpacking she’s done in Europe. Backpacking unlike every other American high school graduate.

He deftly negs her though with a “Does she always brag like this?” So then the Ringer comes back and formal introductions are made all around. The Ringer invites them back to the VIP section they have roped off. The Ringer sits down with a tongue-pierced brunette and Virgin is stranded with the other two.

The Ringer is slow to kino escalate, Matador is quick to point out from the peanut gallery, and the backpacking Shakira lookalike leaves for a few minutes leaving Virgin to try out his patty cake tricks in the nighttime.

Are you on E, dude?

Once again he talks about how it’s one of his favorite theater games, which makes me wonder what kind of performances this troupe of his does. I’m beginning to think they’re all a bunch of mimes.

Shakira comes back and screams “WAX ON WAX OFF?” in Virgin’s ears, clearly jealous of the patty cake attention her friend is getting. The gang LOLs in the background as they watch Virgin soak up the attention, and Matador says that he doesn’t want to do anything to mess this up. Clearly, obviously, he is going to mess this up.

The girls flirt with him some more though and ask about his decision to not shave earlier this evening, which is an obvious ploy to touch his face. Tara starts screaming from the background to get on with it! She never has to wait for Mystery to make a move. This is torture. And Matador points out that this is serving to drive the girls’ crazier with his non-responsiveness. Although “nonresponsive” is code for “scared shitless”. Two girls, Virgin? The boy would feel much more confident if Stuffie were here.

Back to the Ringer, he’s teaching her today’s lecture!

Mystery had us all do this earlier. It’s so much fun, just me and the guys, working on our trust.

She complies to his compliance test and then he goes right in for the “On the scale of 1 to 10, how good of a kisser are you?” line. Who rates themselves low?

Well, ya know, I’ve got great tongue work, but I’ll deduct points for having lip herp.

The girl says she doesn’t know what she would rate herself, so Ringer smoothly says she needs to kiss someone then. She goes for it and then concurs that he was pretty slick. Then she goes back for more!

So over at Camp Virgin, our man has been totally abandoned by his wing who has decided to spend the rest of the night making out with tongue ring girl. Virgin is trying though. He’s initiating “kiss gambit” and asking them about kissing styles and Shakira wants to know when the last time he kissed a girl was. His stuffie is female so…right before he came in?

The girl that’s not Shakira proceeds to lay it on thick. She starts to complain that it’s been WAY too long since she’s kissed anyone. And Virgin goes in for a kiss!

And look who’s asleep at the wheel:

Gaming on the job.

The kiss is a peck and even the girl whines that it was a little brother kiss. He asks her if she wants something more and then Shakira speaks up offering to demo how it should be done. My friends, (28 year old) Virgin has a potential threesome about to occur in the VIP. This has to be at least a fantasy for, like, everyone, right?

So Virgin proceeds to…do nothing. Non-Shakira keeps dropping major hints that she’s out of practice and Shakira offers to practice with her. Finally he leaves and kisses the girls on…the hand. I’m ready to send this ball-dropper home right here and now. And he thinks he did well.

Well let’s see what Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks are up to. Crazy Mel Brooks is opening the set and subdued Carl will come in afterwards. Simeon blares his Dirty Dancing line and Mystery comments from the back that that’s the lamest thing ever. Actually he just comments that he’s got the raging energy like he’s just huffed an eight ball, but same thing.

Enter Lauren Hutton/Carl Reiner. I think they’re spittin’ game, but all I notice is they can’t keep their hands and eyes off each other.

Hey, guys. I feel like said baby being put in a corner.

Oh, god. And now Lauren Hutton drops the “caper” line and I can’t listen to any more of this retardo bullcrap they’re saying. I wish I could recall from all of my drunky days what got me to make out with a dude and I’d like to think it was something way better. But probably not.

Matador screams from the back like they can actually hear him that they should take this set somewhere and sho nuff, they lead the girls to the VIP. Maybe they can hear Matador, man bull that he is! They lead the girls through the club and Simeon’s girl earns his hat, which delights her to no end inexplicably.

Carl Reiner engages his subject with a truly unbelievable story about how he used to manage the Four Seasons in Chicago. Isn’t he like twenty-four? Isn’t hotel management a ladder in which one works up, one in which management of a five-star hotel would exclude a twenty-four year old by sheer lack of experience?

He gets caught up in his LIE telling her about the time Mr. T came, forgetting the object is to make out with her. Matador makes a comment about how he gets stuck in “corporate” mode. I would say “Liar” mode, but I understand he’s gotta sanitize it for the kiddies.

Let’s check back in on Simeon.

It feels so much more natural when it’s Carl Reiner in my arms. Looks more natural, too.

And he goes in for a kiss right after he asks her if she’s an impulsive person. It’s right out of the chick flicks so near and dear to his heart! She says she can sometimes be impulsive and responds with…well, I am! And dives in. It’s storybook magic, people. Except it’s Mel Brooks.

The gang cheers in the background and Mystery even bats his eyelashes so moved by the fabulousness of Simeon’s performance. On the other end, Lauren Hutton is still talking stock options and the girl is trying to get him to shut up and get on the dance floor.

So Simeon, working backwards, decides now is the time to go over and AI his wing. I think it’s a little late in the game, but the peanut gallery believes he’s displaying really good “wingmanship”. He enters into the set and then leaves again. Simeon does some really awkward dancing with his girl and then turns around to tell Carl’s girl that she’s the bad girl, not his. And this turns out to be his saving grace, because with that set up, Carl is now able to obviously lead in a kiss with, “Well, I’ll see if she’s a bad girl.”

I’ll spare you the visual, but let’s just say it leads to this:

A feather boa and naked man torso.

That’s right. He felt zero approach anxiety because tonight, he had his wing. I think there’s a “wind beneath my wings” joke in there somewhere, but this recap is late enough as it is without an extended riff on wings.

So tonight they have all become pick up artists. The swaggers and cocky ‘tudes have arrived, ladies! Step up for your chance to get negged! The group gathers round now that it’s all over and the gang has nothing but good words for our group. In fact, Mystery and Matador are so moved by what wingmanship has brought out in them, they make out and kino escalate all over each other just for good measure.

Man hugging is not just for the young bloods.

Unfortunately though because Ringer didn’t help Virgin lock down a threesome, Carl and Mel win it.

And then it is announced that production is shutting down and these two can just be together openly.

This was shot before the devastating Prop 8 news broke.

But now Ringer and Virgin are up on the chopping block. Ringer knows that he dropped the ball and didn’t come to his aid when Shakira and Non-Shakira were fighting over virgin territory and Virgin says that he feels pretty good that he won’t go home. But mind provocateur Carl Reiner is asking the big questions, “Will Mystery think it’s worse that Ringer didn’t help you, or that you didn’t pull the trigger?”

Virgin tries to act like he did pull the trigger, but, bitch, please. I was ready to send him home just watching those hos salivate while he DID NOTHING. Virgin is confident though. In fact he thinks that Ringer will get “dinged” by Mystery for not coming to his rescue.

This is Ding Face, btw:

Pretty close to I-like-feather-boas-and-man-torsos face.

So now it’s time for these guys to D&D out at the rune ceremony. Simeon wants Ringer to go because he’s a bigger threat and gives him a big bear hug just to underscore how little he wants him there. False bitches everywhere you turn.

Simeon and Lauren Hutton show up to collect their rune swag. Mystery underscores that last night was so fun for him and is sad to see someone go. Aw, let’s just all stick around for ever and ever! Kidding. I love seeing someone flee the scene in tears. I really watch these shows for the eliminations.

We get some blah blah blah about how last night was a “lightbulb” moment for Lauren Hutton about if p, then q type of thing with the material. Unfortunately his “lightbulb” flash wasn’t about how his personality is way better suited for “Beauty and the Geek”. Simeon said last night changed his life, not to get hyperbolic about the experience or anything. And now we’re left with deciding between Ringer or Virgin.

And Virgin defends his performance last night with the best thing I’ve heard this season. He’s all, “Closed-Mouth pecking a stranger WAS pulling the trigger, because I don’t even kiss my family”. I will repeat it for you: Because I don’t even kiss my family. Is he like the lone person out there that in his immediate family is not joining in on the makeouts? Call me a slutbag, but I’d make out with a dude I just met at a club over my dad any day.

My mom comes at me like this, and I’m all, oh no you don’t, lady! I don’t know you like that.

And now the Ringer. Did you even notice you were hanging him out to dry? Mystery asks. He give some weak defense about he wasn’t sure who the target was anymore because he was kino escalating both, but it doesn’t fly with Mystery. Neither does Virgin’s family story. The bottom line is, if a bitch wants to kiss, you gotta kiss. Amen.

Mystery calls a spade a spade by pointing at he’s probably just scared, but Virgin said he just got confused because he wasn’t sure what to do. Matador checks that theory too, with his big words and phrases. This time we get “backwards rationalization” and with his buttery smooth voice and bulging biceps, I’m nodding my head in agreement over that, too.

We’re pick up artists, man! That’s what we do! No matter how much man-hugging and dinging we do in between.

So now the closing arguments, Virgin says that he’s progressed each week so much, which Ringer says too, but edges him out by saying he could reach his potential faster. Nice one. Mystery calls both statements “compelling” and “inspirational”. I say they were the same shit repeated, but for him this is tearing him up inside. This is his hardest decision yet. And..Ringer gets the final medallion, as we expected. Virgin made it farther than any of us expected anyway.

Good-bye, sweet young man. We get the montage where he drops his suitcase as he enters the house (doesn’t that seem like just yesterday, gentle readers?) And now he’s off to start the next chapter in his life. Best of luck pecking your way through a relationship.

Next episode the boys have to transform their friends from home. I’m saying Lauren Hutton is out next week, leaving Ringer and Osama Bin Sexy for the final two. What say you?

Also, I’ll be back in my box at the Standard Hotel locked away on display Monday night which means I’m gonna do the entire recap for you to have bright and early Tuesday morning. The things I do for you.

xoxo,

InternetSensation