Pick Up Artist 2: Aim for the sun, land on the rune.

The friends are here! New boys to makeover and humiliate! And we are just one week out from the exciting conclusion of The Pick Up Artist! Doesn’t it feel like we just got here? I’m just not ready to say good-bye.

Let’s make this last forever.

So the weekly PUA viewing parties are going from crowded to Is-every-damn-person-in-Hollywood-at-Neil-Strauss’s-house-this-very-second? Last week the boys were there, but this week THE MEN came. And by men I mean Mystery and The ‘Dor. Here are some things I’d like to report. Mystery is even taller than he looks. And on several occasions he insinuated that I am a not a very positive person. Ha. Even a stranger can sense my emotional insensitivity.

And Matador. Now there have been many of you that have been commenting throughout the season about how hot Matador is and I’ve been all (in my head), I guess for, like, a beefcake or whatever. But people. The man is HOT. Smoking balls hot. You were right. Not me. I take back all the things I thought in my head about him not being as hot as y’all said. Now I was too busy doing tequila shots with Joe D. from season one to watch the episode that night, but I did see that it ended in a way that did NOT make me happy. Thank god the finale party will be even bigger than this week because even a lame final two can’t squelch my excitement. And next week I’m bringing Flipit!

So the post-elimination room has gone from somber music to scary music as Simeon discusses the cold, hard facts. Three people left and one of us will be the pick up artist! Simeon geniusly surmises. Dun dun dunnnnn. Lauren Hutton says he hopes Virgin is going to come back because he’s gotten closer to him. Oh, please. It’s because he’s not as much of a threat. I got your number, pal.

He pads his pro-Virgin argument with the “logic” that Mystery never taught them how to kiss threeway.

But he did teach ‘em how to play footsie! The jokes write themselves, folks.

He even adds that to work two girls without the help of a wing is a “Herculean task”. Oh, damn. He met us threeway and raised us orgy. Nice, Hutton.

Of course when our Ringer sashays on though, the boys hug and congratulate him. Cut to Greg’s confessional where he says he knows they’re a couple of fake hos. They debrief about the elimination ceremony and discuss how badly Virgin got it over not taking advantage of what he had (two hos!), even though it was his most successful outing yet. It’s menage or bust, people.

Next day the gang arrives at the house to discuss the new challenge. Of course to master any given discipline, one must be able to teach it. And that is what they’re going to have to do. Teach their friends everything they know in twenty-four hours! Of course Lauren Hutton is creaming his panties over this. He loves to teach! In fact he taught all of Italy how to pair wine and cheese. The world is just one giant potential student body for this professor of life! (I wrote that with my announcer voice in my head.)

And knock knock. The friends are here already! Tara skips over to answer the door in her continued efforts to have a purpose.

This will get our dogpiles back to where they used to be.

Mystery always has a trick up his sleeve! gushes Lauren Hutton. Um, didn’t they do this last season, too? Tricky Mystery. Pulling one right from the production handbook.

So they all gather round, sitting with his respective “buddy” and they make some introductions. In Lauren Hutton’s case, Mystery has produced a grizzly bear of a man-boy named Chuck. Simeon has a Ryan which makes his gleefully exclaim, we lost one and got another! So basically there has been no net gain or loss of Ryanage. The Xanadu expression on his face as he delivers is Theory of the Ryan/Rian is so earnest, it’s almost adorable, but still settles somewhere around retarded.

Puppy + “Special” =Simeon’s face

Greg has a Derek who looks like the New Ryan but with glasses. These boys have a type. And that type is redhead! So blah blah blah from Mystery about how it’s not just about the girls OR pleasing His Highness, but also about recruiting more foot soldiers for the D&D army. The will defeat virginity one AFC at a time.

Mystery says that when they finish their journey with him they’ll be returning to their hometowns. (Or they’ll all move to LA and become actors and party together 4ever.) Anyway, according to his “theory”, they’ll be rolling with these hometown guys anyway, so they’ll have to get them up to speed at some point. Or they’ll just roll with each other when they all move to Hollywood to Live the Dream.

Anylie, Effectively train your man and you’ll have a lifelong wing! crows Mystery. Because you are definitely going to want to be hitting the clubs when you’re in your sixties. Like I said, 4ever.

And to get things started, we’re back to the underground subculture speak with talk of the creation of Avatars! And you can’t make an Avatar without a Bridge and Tunnel Makover! Let’s hop to it.

Who do you think you are to just break the fourth wall, Chuck? Huh? Huh??

So it’s always a fun moment to see these PUAs-in-training do a one-eighty and suddenly lord their “authority” over their friends. Simeon starts in on his friend, GingerBoy without Glasses, assessing that he looks like he was sitting alone on the beach. And back in their hometown that’s pretty much what they were doing. Not getting laid and sitting around in flip-flops. Backstory here is they used to be in the same fraternity in Seattle, so Simeon has had vast experience in homoerotic male bonding. I knew we were dealing with veterans.

GingerBoy with Glasses is also in awe of his friend’s transformation. The Ringer used to be a shy Mormon. Now he’s just a Mormon! Oh, Kidding. He also has a special power that makes him look like his hair is always wet.

Chuck is from LA and is kind of sweet. He’s softspoken and wants to keep the “douche level” down which means he has a level of self-awareness the rest of these fools could only dream of if they knew what self-awareness was. But then he goes down a few notches when Lauren Hutton asks if his douche level is high and he says no. No?? Chuck could have saved his friend here! Hutton came out highest on the Bridge and Tunnel Douche Makeover in the first episdoe. If there’s one thing you learn here during our time together this season it’s that friends don’t let friends be bridge and tunnel.

And effin’ A, Chuck continues to go further down in my eyes when he starts using Hutton Lingo. He talks about how they go out together in LA and they go to “taverns” and “have adventures”. He stops just short of the word “caper” so I don’t have to throw my laptop out of the window of the glass box. They probably wouldn’t want me back and I like this job.

I’m the Don Cheadle and you’re the Scott Caan. Okay, okay. You can be Casey Affleck.

They decide his make over is gonna be metal. Judas Priest metal, in fact. And Chuck is back on top of my world. That’s not how I wanted that to sound, but still. Chuck has regained some ground. Moving on.

And now it’s time to shop. And they came to the right place if they want Douche Rocker. Less Rock Star, more Rock ‘Tard. Of course Simeon is having a Rachel Zoe “I DIE” moment. He loves everything.

I’ll let you borrow my hat, if I can borrow your belt. Real men share clothes, dude.

Simeon is on a mission to get this man laid. And not just laid, but HOTTIE laid. He even deploys some “That’s what I’m talkin’ about”s as he peruses the merchandise to really get my goat. Is anyone else disappointed that the crown looks like Simeon’s for the taking?

Over with Ringer and GingerBoy with Glasses, they are quietly discussing options like good, decent people should. Only Rachel Zoe can freak out over stupid garments and get away with it, Sims. Ringer thinks about what he was wearing when he won the challenges and uses that as a springboard. They thoughtfully make their decisions and I am grateful that some people can make it through with a little dignity intact.

Chuck is looking for clothes that he doesn’t have “issues” with which goes down in the pro column. If there was a format to do a running tally on this recap for How I Feel About Chuck, I would. I feel very strongly that you all would enjoy this feature.

He’s actually making Lauren Hutton more appealing, too. When Hutton brings him clothes he calls him “Debutante” and offers him “Pantaloons”. They’re the real Carl and Mel. Get these two a show. Chuck as debutante. Pro!

Hutton acts out what we all wanna do.

OG Mel Brooks, Simeon, gets jealous of this new bourgeoning Carl and Mel so he has to come over and do some antic-y bit about the fake boobs that Carl has in his hands and I’m not going into any other details, because it would bum me out.

So Chuck comes out in his first outfit and says drily, “We’ll pretend this never happened.” Pro for debutante! Seriously was Chuck at the viewing party? I suddenly have a strong feeling he was and it’s dawning on me, I should have spent less time kicking Neil and Matador in the shins for some tequila-induced reason and MORE TIME WITH THE DEB. I could have been kicking him in the shins! What a waste of shin-kicking!

Judas, please.

So eventually they settle on the above shirt with something black underneath and while it’s not Judas, he looks nice.

(UGH. Totally bummer aside: The box girl boss just showed up and made me take off my knee high socks. WTF? I strongly believe that the denizens of Hollywood want to see me in my knee high socks. Am I right or am I right? I am never in public without my knee high socks and I’m feeling vulnerable and exposed. Hold me, TVgasm.)

Okay, let’s go to the hair salon. We’re still on Debutante giving him a “controlled chaos” haircut. But the beard. The beard is just uncontrollable. It has to stay. I hang with the Sikhs so I’m around plenty of beards, but of course Simeon has to hate because his lover Hutton is being taken away from him this epi. He’s all, I would drug him and shave it! Yeah, that’s exactly what you would do if you had a passed out man on your hands.

GingerBoy with Glasses goes darker red and Sim’s friend GingerBoy without Glasses goes platinum, which of course delights Simeon and his complete love for everything tacky and late nineties.

You look like you could be a Can’t Hardly Wait extra! Or a Sugar Ray fan!

And now lets add a flashy fauxhawk and end things with a lip piercing! Shower him in worthless Hot Topic medallions right now. There’s no way he can lose with taste this bad.

But onto more risqué makeovers, GingerBoy with Glasses (who looks actually great with the darker hair) is getting a hand job tan! That’s right!

Blackface performances no longer considered racist, just sexy!

This is also probably the most intimate he’s been with a woman. It will only be downhill from here, young man.

Back at the front of the house, Lauren Hutton is just not satisfied with the wackiness level of Deb’s hair so he goes faux hawk to faux hawk with Simeon’s makeover faux hawk. He dumps some muck in his hands and clowns his friend hard. This is Deb’s coming out party:

Douche Level: At least Orange

So now it’s time to download their brains as best they can. Ginger-gone-platinum now looks albino and I feel bad for the sucker. It’s not a good look for him. But Simeon sees a contender for kiss-closing. I guess I’m not a visionary. Ringer is emphasizing openers and DHVs so he can angle for a number. My good Mormon boys. And Glasses is not taking to body rocking. It’s not his style. He just wants to be friends, he rationalizes. And friends don’t body rock. Also, friends don’t get laid.

And the Ringer is just a-comin’ with the notes. He tells him to talk slower, smile more. Glasses says that he feels fake when he smiles and hey-o, can I get a witness? That’s why my default expression is bitch face. It’s authentic. I am many things, but disingenuousness is not one of them. Go, glasses. Stand up for smilelessness.

Somewhere out there MXC Brian wishes he could neg the real person with the orangest tan ever.

And let’s see how Debutante is doing! Hutton is of course intellectualizing everything for Deb, because they’re both weathered skeptics, cut from the same cloth (I think that cloth would be…hmm. Well Simeon would be lamé, we know that much. Help me out here.) But anyway, back to the searing discussion, Hutton is assuring him that this stuff does work.

We find out Deb went to Vegas recently and could have scored better, if you know what I mean, with “Vegas Game”. WTF, there’s Vegas specific game? I can’t imagine this is flattering stuff for the girls, but if they are teaching Vegas Game, I think we deserve at least one episode in Vegas.

And then Deb drops the big bomb: he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about this pick up malarkey. He’s just here to support his friend in his harebrained schemes.

We’re fucked.

And Chuck continues to rule the school. Hutton tells him he should tell stories about himself! Like the time his house was on fire! This will show value. When the student is not a believer, it kind of sounds silly.

Okay, maybe Debs wasn’t at the party.

And for the record, his house never caught on fire. Debs is not down with this lying business either.

Simeon on the other hand is just spewing happy happy joy joy out of every pore. He’s even getting the painted headless mannequin, that’s served for many a B-roll shot, as a prop to play with.

And he’s so delirious with pick up ju ju that he’s trying to spout ancient Chinese Wisdom, and even though it makes sense, it still sounds like Chris Farley as Tommy Boy delivery. If you shoot for the moon maybe you’ll land back on the earth, but if you shoot for the sun you might just land on the moon. Or whatever.

Wait. Did he get blackface too?

And JESUS H, he’s spreading the nobody-puts-baby-in-a-corner disease. He’s singlehandedly ruining my own love for the movie.

Back in Camp Ringer, things aren’t going so well. He’s forgetting, not smiling. Only Simeon is shooting for the sun and landing in heaven.

I promise to always share my openers with you.

Hey guys. Just another day at Camp PUA.

Now it’s time to get ready for the field test and Simeon and a shirtless Hutton are squaring off in the closet, competing for whose friend knows more. Rivalry can be so titillating.

I’ll grab that hat right off your head and step on it. Oh yeah I will! You just watch me, slut!

So they drive off to the club, Mystery gives his patent intro speech and the boys are cast off into the field. Lauren Hutton is rightfully scared that awesome Chuck might just sit in a booth and talk shit about the other contestants MST 3000 style. Also the boys will be back with the group to observe their friend and talk shit MST 3000 style.

Ginger Glasses is up first and already he’s killing the room with his own brand of bitch face and I think it only works when you’re a girl. He’s just looking like he’s having a shitty time. Actually he probably is.

And he just freezes completely, so they send Ringer in to help out. But he doesn’t help that much. He gives vague instruction like, “Be confident.” Matador calls bullshit right away, because that really means nothing other than act like not you. Helpful.

He finally opens a set with the tattoo opener and engages them for a bit, until he bows out of what was about to get awkward. Poor guy. And it’s all Ringer’s fault.

Maybe you should have practiced making out beforehand. Like Simeon. Simeonsimeonsimeon.

Deb is up next and Mystery seems displeased right off the bat because Deb wouldn’t shave his beard for a one episode guest appearance on a reality show. What a lousy friend.

He could be a serial killer! chimes in Matador. Yeah, excessive facial hair=homocidal.

So Deb’s looking around, but freezing totally. Hutton is also sent into the field to help him out and bolster his confidence, while avoiding that actual word. Lauren Hutton does, in my opinion, worse by telling him to keep the “happy vibe”. If I know Deb (and I totally know Deb) that’ll make him wanna clock somebody. Deb was definitely not at the party Sunday.

But then he suddenly opens a four set, with the most intriguing opener I’ve heard yet, would you be on the Howard Stern show? The girls are rather good looking, but he doesn’t have a target so he can’t really lock in. But, lo and behold, a girl asks for his name to keep him around. And wouldn’t you know it? Suddenly there’s flirting and kino abounding! But when he goes for the number, she says she has a boyfriend and it’s game over.

That shirt reminds me of Judas Priest! Ha, ha. Not.

And now for No Glasses, who was probably definitely at the viewing party. Even The ‘Dor is all, your dude has a total hard-on for this shit.

So he comes in with guns blazing, opens over his shoulder (gold star) with the freaking Dirty Dancing bit. And for the first time ever a girl doesn’t know it. And suddenly it makes sense that they use a quote every girl knows. Because it’s really awkward when she doesn’t.

And when she doesn’t, she’s less inclined to give him her hand, which is what this brosef decides to follow that clunker with. And the girl won’t give him her hand, so he goes for the guy she’s with, clearly ready to escalate with whomever is willing.

He eventually aborts and Simeon runs down to rescue. He actually comes down and sounds just like Mystery giving instruction. Can we just hand the trophy to Simeon and get this over with already? So his protégée trots off and opens again before Simeon even back to the surveillance truck. He opens with Dirty Dancing and it’s working for everyone except the genial looking fellow on the right.

I wonder if this elf will resprout a new head when I flick this one off.

And he just keeps on going. Another girl joins the circle and he seems to be getting approval from all around. And the gang starts speculating about what else he could be doing to get this all working in his favor and Mystery is like, I’m just gonna make sure that the bald dude doesn’t administer a humiliating beat down to the scrawny albino dude. Good point.

It turns out that they’re all coworkers, so the bald guy is just harboring a work crush on one of these girls and it turns out it’s the original brunette he opened the set with because he pulls her away and leaves No Glasses to hit on the blonde target.

But not so fast. Bald Dude has the last laugh when he tells the girl they’re bouncing and she chooses coworkers over a random albino dude. He does score digits, though, in front of Bald Dude and all in all, he rocked it. The gang is impressed with Simeon and, again, can we go home yet?

Congratulations. Please accept this Hot Topic gift certificate for winning early.

They all come back out to get the rundown from Mystery and of course lays it on thick about how awesome Simeon was, exceeded expectations, whatever the blah. We cut to his confessional where he says that at this point he’s the man to beat and he doesn’t think Ringer or Hutton can do it. Anyone else gonna argue with the Mystery proxy? He drank the kool-aid, his friend drank the kool-aid. We get it already.

So the friends are whisked back home and now we have to sort through this whole pesky elimination business. Hutton and Ringer both feel they did well and felt like they were up against the same problem with their narrow-minded friends. How could they not understand that this is a lifestyle choice? That girls are just one piece of the larger puzzle? A puzzle that includes a calculated persona, bad style and man-love 4ever? How could they pass this up?

The Ringer thinks he’ll do okay because Mystery will also take into account their teaching style, which the Ringer believes was beyond reproach. Hutton feels the same way. Yeah, dudes. Mystery won’t.

So let the Rune Ceremony begin. Mystery gets right into the teaching aspect and says that he’s looking for an “Approach Coach”. Um, this is the first I’ve heard about an Approach Coach. And from the look of Ringer’s gulp, he’s not the only one.

I wasn’t aware this all came down to my marketability in your empire.

Mystery then spends a few minutes stroking Simeon’s ego as if he weren’t already flying to close to the sun with his ego and dumb metaphors and whatever. Give him medallion and git ‘im outta here.

So now let’s rake some suckas over the coals. First up is Ringer. His friend was visibly uncomfortable. He had anxiety. But the big problem was when he went to coach him, he gave him a vague pep talk. He didn’t say, do this this this and you’ll get your girl. You were just a cheerleader. And even that didn’t help. Wow. Not good.

Now Hutton gets a little slack, because he clearly had an extremely reluctant student and yet he still approached women. The biggest hurdle to overcome was that he wasn’t willing. And then we have to rehash the beard drama again. To these guys, beards mean you are ungroomed and possibly a serial killer. But I’m no beard-hater! adds Mystery, clearly not. He just should have styled it!

Just imagine what shaving rune symbols into it could have done for him.

You failed to inspire him! blares Mystery. No one will drink the kool-aid if they’re not inspired! Tara pipes up with her own cent and a half. Think of how we pushed you when you didn’t think you could go further! You should have pushed him to break through his barriers. Like with that beard! Thank you, Tara. You have contributed just enough to justify your continued existence on this show.

And now for closing arguments. Hutton has a speech about rock bottom and taking a step back but then two steps forward. And then The ‘Dor has his weekly monologue with important sounding words. Just listen to the silky voice and nod your head. Or kick him in the shin.

Actually he talks about tool kits and volition and supercharge. It’s a humdinger of a supercharged speech as always. And now The ‘Dor has justified his continued presence on the show. For extra credit he drops this face:

I like it better when he’s yelling.

The Ringer talks about how much he loves teaching and plugs how much he would love to be a cog in the Mystery Machine, traveling the world, teaching. Smart. But Tara thinks he should be further along. And apparently so does everyone else.

So after saying it’s a really difficult decision a few times, Mystery sends our blue-eyed Ringer home. Good-bye, Ringer. See you Sunday. Maybe we’ll finally talk. (Ringer is always surrounded by a bevy of ladies.)

And he is sent on his way with Mystery affirming that he has tons of potential and that he should keep up the good work.

We all knew you had it in you. Even when you were fake walking through the desert.

And we visually recap the journey as Ringer coos that Mystery taught him how to be a better person, persevere and have more confidence. And also wet dry hair.

So finale next week, gang. Are you as bummed as I am? I am becoming so attached to our boys. I’m sad to see it all come to an end. Who’s your money on?

I will really miss you guys, too, but I’ll be picking up the last few epis of Scream Queens so we can hang there.

Love, InternetSensation