Recap: Pirate Master: Ahoy!

***Alright, gasmii, you’ve been asking for it in comments and a deluge of emails, and finally one of your own took the wheel of the ship to deliver it to you. You know her, you love her, and now you can read her! Please, a round of applause for your guest Pirate Master recapper…TinkerbellaPixie!!

It is with much excitement (and a tiny smidge of fear) that I attempt my first official recap. I’d ask you to be kind, but that’s not very pirate-y, so in the spirit of the show I’ve got my eye patch on, I’m typing with my hook on a stolen laptop and I’m drinking some fine rum. Ok so it’s really Aquafina. I lied, that’s pirate-y isn’t it?

And tis a fine fine day for writing recaps. With a seaworthy vessel like TVgasm we should make for clear waters, hoist the main sails, and raise anchor mateys! This be Pirate Master!
So let’s get you introduced to our remaining pirates, scoundrels, wenches and the like:

First up, we have Azmyth, the sporadically English-accented Captain. When not pirating he is a music producer who clearly spends a little too much time manscaping his beard.

Blimey! That buccaneer has some serious beard action.

Jay and Ben are his officers. Ben is a 23 year old musician and Jay is an auto parts salesman. I know there has to be some sort of pirate-y joke I could make about those who sell car parts but… we have more important matters to attend to.

A fine trio of seamen if I do say so myself. (come on, you knew there was gonna be a semen joke with a pirate show. I was just getting it out of the way early)

And on to the rest of the crew. Louie had one turn up as Captain and failed at his only goal: fulfilling his vow to get rid of Joe Don.

Pantene Pro-V for that Full Bodied Shape and Shine!

Laurel, Kendra, Joy and Jupiter are the wenches who, for the most part, don’t get much screen time. Since the show doesn’t show them much, I’m not gonna either. At least not right now.

Joe Don, former Captain, is sharing a flirtmance with Nessa. When Joe Don was in charge, he kept a lion’s share of the treasure and ran the ship with an iron first. As a result, a lot of people (especially Louie) were gunning for him to be cut adrift.

Nessa likes to try to use her womanly wiles to get her way. With the male population of the ship dwindling, that method might not be a very wise long-term plan.

He wants to show her his dinghy.

Last but certainly not least we have Christa, the single mom who is smuggling a pair of stowaways under her wench blouse. According to her profile, she’s former military. Check out her missiles. (FYI – I AM a female recapper, but I’m trying to be sensitive to our male readers – hence all the boob talk – I guess you could say I am taking the Nessa approach to recapping). The CBS pixilation department loves Christa because she and her blurry cleavage is keeping them on the payroll.

Shiver me timbers – check out those canonballs!

Now that you know who the pirates are… Grab onto your yard arms mateys… it’s time to set sail for another episode of PIRATE MASTER! (insert piratey music here “yo ho yo ho a recappers life for me”).

Episode 6 begins with everyone returning to their quarters as they talk about cutting Sean adrift and how they are going to need to start making their own food. That’s the downside of ditching your chef, kids. Live with it. Nessa confessionals (yes I am totally “pirating” that term from Honey Gangsta – cuz that’s how we pirates roll) that she had to spend $9,000 on the pardon and now she is hurting for money.

Cut to the guys in the Captains Cabin patting themselves on the back for their success getting rid of Sean. Now they only have 2 guys on the other crew to worry about – Joe Don and Louie. They feel pretty safe and secure and are mighty arrogant. They have even come up with a name for themselves: “the Triad”. Yeah – cuz naming your alliance always works out in the long run. (See also “The Guidos”, “The Four Horsemen” and “The Friendship”. Well ok, that one won the money but it didn’t do them any good once the left the BB house).

We then cut to the rest of the crew in their quarters as they finally realize that the Triad’s all male team needs some shaking up. Christa comments that she would be a great captain and would handle things efficiently and effectively. Other things Christa handles effectively – her giant breasts. Oh wait, no, she is letting those things run amok.

Here’s another shot for the fellas.

Laural confessionals that the women need to put a female in the captain’s seat next chance they get. Funny. The women have been outnumbering the men for a while now and have all had a vote in who is captain. It only just NOW finally occurs to them that they might want the power? This is when I bang my head against my wall in frustration at how badly women are at alligning in reality shows.

When we return from commercial, everyone is climbing in the rigging and doing what they need to do to get the ship under way. Well, not everyone. Captain Assmunch has taken it upon himself to sleep in and get some rest much to the annoyance of everyone else on board.

Faking an English accent can really wear you out.

Laurel has taken over Sean’s duties in the galley and Assmunch finds her in there cleaning up. He went in to talk to her after he gave her the black spot at last week’s pirate’s counsel. He had given a really lame excuse about how she needed to go up since she won’t pick a side. In the galley, he pretty much rehashes the same nonsense. He confessionals that he backtracked on everything he said. He said he wanted to let her know where he stands. She said she doesn’t pick sides and he says he doesn’t want her to have sides. This doesn’t make sense and I’m already over it. Can’t we make them both walk the plank for wearing dumb white-dreadlocks and get it over with?

Time to see our lovely host Australian Actor Cameron Daddo, a quick look at this profile on CBS.com tells us his television credits include roles on “The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles,” “FX: The Series” and “Hope Island”(<--never heard of it). He has also appeared in feature films, including "Zebra Lounge," "Inland Empire" and the upcoming "Drifter" and "Passengers." Well if those aren't reality tv show host credentials, I don't know what are.

Watch out, Probst.

Cameron is here to tell us that the pirates have brought aboard more than $160,000 in gold so far and that there is a lot more out there. Time to open the Chest of Zanzibar to find out where the next treasure is hidden and time to pick crews:
Competing under the black flag we have Cap’n Assmunch, Officers Ben and Jay (sounds like Bengay- hehehe), Laurel, Christa and Joy.

Competing under the red flag – Louie, Joe Don, Nessa, Kendra and Jupiter.
With their map and a compass ready each team climbed over the sides of the ship ready to swim to shore. You know what that means – time to feature the really slow swimmers. Kendra, Joy this means you ladies finally get some camera time. Cue exciting pirate music….. dun DUN dun DUN…

The Pirates must now swim to shore through treacherous waters, locate a nearby plantation ruin, and find a hidden ladder along with their next set of clues.

The Amazing Race map department has nothing on Pirate Master.

Jay confessionals. He’s concerned because Joy is slowing them down in the water. The red crew has their own problems as Kendra slows down, forcing Joe Don to pull her along using the flag. Somehow the black crew manages to hit the beach ahead of the red crew and they find their way to the plantation where Jay finds the next clue:
From this point the pirates must carry the ladder up a steep path into the mountains in search of a wrecked long boat where their next clues are hidden.

Man, that longboat wrecked pretty far inland. Just saying.

The black crew made the curious decision to have Joy run ahead to navigate the map while they followed up in the rear with the heavy ladder. Good idea guys, take your slowest team mate and let her set the pace.

The red crew wasn’t very far behind, all the more reason for the black crew to let someone quicker navigate the map. Then again, Joe Don is telling Louie to go faster. Louie responds with “This is as fast as I can go” and Joe Don says “Go faster”. Well, ok then.

The black crew finally passes Joy and she struggles behind them holding the map that she isn’t even attempting to read anymore. Can you say Dead Weight? As the red crew is breathing down their necks Joy decides it might be a good time for a refreshing water break. Perhaps some Aquafina would be nice! If I mention Aquafina enough do you think they’ll send me free bottles?

In spite of Joy and her need for refreshments, the black crew made it to the longboat first and quickly figured out that the clue was carved into the backside of the seat planks:

The crews must now continue into the jungle and find a pair of masts in the trees. Here they will hoist up their ladders and untie a key from a tricky knot. (You know how Mark Burnett loves his knots).

At this point the red crew finally makes their way to the long boat and finds their clues. At the trees the music speeds up letting us know that the red crew has caught up to the black crew. Louie actually manages to make it up the ladder but can’t find the key since his bulky bod is blocking it from view.

Note to Louie and every other reality show contestant: When you can’t find something, look at the camera. 9 times out of 10 it will be pointing directly at the item that you can’t find. (TVgasm: not only entertaining but educational too!)

The black crew gets their key loose first and reads the next clue:

The pirates will now follow a narrow ravine trail into the rainforest and locate a foot bridge. There they must decipher clues found on the wooden steps. These clues will lead them to The Bosun’s Treasure.

As the red crew was running down the footpath, Nessa nearly face planted. I rewound it a few times to see if it was laughable enough. No Lisi-luck for me. (Damn you Schoonie, lucky bast!) Since it wasn’t screencap worthy, let’s move along, there’s nothing to see here.

The fast moving Mark Burnett clouds tell us that we are closing in on the treasure and with Kendra lagging on the red team and Joy lagging on the black there’s no telling how close this could be.

Meanwhile, Ben confessionals how he is so impressed with Christa, even calling her a little soldier (do you think he read her CBS profile too?). He said she was a Barbie on steroids. Someone needs to explain to Ben the difference between steroids and silicone.

Laurel made it to the rope bridge first and scampered across without actually reading the clues on the planks. The rest of the black crew managed to decipher the clues pretty easily and found the treasure.

BLACK CREW wins!

Cap’n Assmunch’s reign continues!

Joy confessionals that she has won so much money and that she can now proudly say “I belong a winner”. (insert foreshadowing here). You know – it occurs to me, if the women really want the men to stop ruling from the Captain’s chair, why not throw a mission so that the power can change hands and they can vote in a female captain? Oh wait, that’s logic and strategy, that has no place here. Moving on…
A dejected red crew returns to the ship as night falls on the water. Cameron was there to remind Nessa that she needed to sell her Royal Pardon before Pirate’s Court. The person who placed the highest bid would have to pay Nessa at Pirate’s Court whether or not they ended up needing it. So, I guess that means Nessa’s finances are soon to be looking up. However, she is feeling vulnerable since she won’t have a pardon to fall back on should she receive a black spot.
The black crew returns with their treasure. They brought back $40,000 in gold coins. Cap’n Assmunch informed Cameron that he is going to keep the officers he has as he doesn’t see any reason to break up the Triad. In the past Assmunch had wanted to share the wealth with a 50/50 split for the Triad and the crew, this time around they decide to split the money differently. They decide to go for a 60/40 split. This raised some eyebrows among the crew. Laurel comments that she thinks Assmunch is “a greedy idiot who needs to go home.” Funny how every week they make comments like that about their captains and yet the captains never get any votes to leave. Hmm.
The self-dubbed “Tremendous Trio” then gets to the task of choosing the pirates who will receive the dreaded black mark. Both Joy and Kendra’s names come up very quickly. There is then discussion about who will need to bid on the Royal Pardon and we see footage of Kendra filling out her bid.
They also talk about putting up Joe Don, and in an odd twist, suddenly they start using a French accent when saying his name. I’d show you what I mean but I can’t figure out how to spell it cuz I don’t actually speak French. Just picture Pepe Le Pew saying “Je’Don” and you’ll get the idea.

Aw Aw Aw, Mon Ami, Je’Don, Petit fours, foi gras, …

And that leads us to the romantic portion of the episode. You can tell because the music goes all soft and sweet. We have Je’Don and Nessa flirting and giggling. Je’Don then asks for a little kiss, you know how those French are, ever the romantics. Pepe would definitely approve.

The next day at midships, Cap’n Assmunch (with his fake English Accent firmly in place) starts handing out the summons to the pirates. He voiceovers that the crew loves him and he doesn’t feel in danger. Keep skimming that gold buddy and see how long you can feel that crew love. Kendra, Joy and Je’Don each pull a black spot, which isn’t a surprise to anyone.

Je’Don confessionals that he has considered mutiny, but 6 episodes in, I think we all realize that’s just misdirection talking. No one seems to have the stones to actually try it. I think Mark Burnett made a mistake when he made up the rules for mutiny. By requiring that the officers agree with the crew in order for a mutiny to work – it effectively cut out the possibility of anyone ever doing it. If you are an officer pocketing all that extra coin, why would you ever want to mutiny? Plus, on real pirate ships, back in the day, I think the officers were taken out along with the Captain. I don’t think real pirates had any concern about getting “unanimous” votes.

It’s funny to see Louie so firmly on Je’Don’s side. It wasn’t long ago that his one vow in life was to see Je’Don cut adrift – now the two are firmly aligned against Assmunch and BenGay. Louie confessionals that he had vowed to never vote against a lady but he might have to vote for Joy or Kendra. First off, we now know how weak his “vows” are and secondly – you’re a pirate, damn it, there’s no chivalry in piracy! Arrgh!

We cut to Jay trying to talk people into voting against Joy, which shouldn’t be a hard sell. I’m amazed she wasn’t cut loose back on Episode 1. They talked about how Joy puts a smile on everyone’s face but I rewound back to when they were all yelling at her to read the map during their mission, and not one person was smiling.

As we return from commercial, Cameron calls the pirates to midships for Pirate’s Court. Pirate’s Court is a lot like real court minus the whole jury, lawyers, or jidges* (*that’s a nod to Krank Mills, don’t you love all the TVgasm cross promotion I got going on here?) and as we all know in real court Paris was never in danger of being cut adrift – though that would have been kinda cool.

Cameron ran through the drill of what goes on at Pirate’s Court. Cap’n Munch would get a chance to explain why each person with a black spot was targeted, they would then each get a chance to defend themselves and then everyone would vote. Once the votes were cast Cameron will reveal which bidder won the Royal Pardon and if necessary the pirate who needed it would use it to save themself. Enough of the explanation, let’s get to it.

Cap’n Munch noted that Kendra is one of the slower pirates, he then said that although everyone loves Joy she’s also very slow. I bet that made Kendra feel pretty bad since there was no love for her. And lastly, Je’Don is a strong competitor and so he needs to be considered a dangerous pirate.

Joy said that she is doing the best she can do and she never gives up, apart from that one time she wanted to sit down and have water right in the middle of a mission. Maybe that’s not technically giving up – but it could have cost her crew $40,000.

Kendra then talks about how she wants the chance to prove that she can continue to keep up. Continue? You haven’t done it yet. Ugh… Oops, I’m starting to get cranky, gonna grab an Aquafina real quick before I wrap this puppy up.

Aquafina: Pure Water. Perfect Taste. Every Time.

Je’Don is the last to defend himself and he confirms that he is, indeed, a serious threat. He notes that if they don’t get rid of him they are in trouble. He then plays to the women – saying they need him and Louie in order to compete against the big strong bad Triad.

It’s time to cast ballots. The drum rolls ominously as the pirates take turns parading up to stab their ballot on the big knife of doom. Five pirates, five ballots. Cameron then takes the ballots and sorts them like playing cards. First he reveals the high bidder for the Royal Pardon. There are three bids for the pardon. One bid for $500 and one for $700. Je’Don was the high bidder with $12,000. Good thing it’s going to Nessa so they can keep the money within their little showmance.

There are no ballots for mutiny – shocker! Je’Don didn’t need the Royal Pardon as there wasn’t a single ballot for him. He rejoins the crew. It’s now down to Joy and Kendra. Joy finds that her voyage is over with 3 ballots against her. Cap’n Munch cuts her adrift and we watch as she is pulled away from the ship.

I thought it was TWO if by sea?

What did you think? Did Joy deserve to go this time? Will Je’Don and Nessa swap more than just the Royal Pardon? Do you think the crew will ever mutiny? Could Cameron’s package hope to reach Phil Keoghan levels of fame? And more importantly….do you think Aquafina will sponsor me?