I know this show hasn’t been the roaring success many thought it might be. It has received a little criticism from the press and many think Mark Burnett may have jumped the shark with this little venture.
Well you lowly landlubbers, I am here to tell you that this bucket o’bolts ain’t dead in the water just yet. Welcome to Pirate Master!
The episode begins with a look back at the events of last week. We are reminded what a strong force the Triad has become. We also see Kendra striking her deal with Jay; the deal she did not keep. Then we flash back to that whole mutiny nonsense. Finally, Je’Don had to give up his Royal Pardon to Nessa, and with a vote of 3 to 1 was cut adrift. His voyage was now over……or was it?
Episode 8 picks up right after pirate’s court as the pirates return to their quarters. Everyone is looking somber and Nessa confessionals how hard it was to say good-bye to Lord Loverlips. Actually, she says that since the adventure is over for him – he should at least get a kiss from the girl he has a crush on. Way to play it off like it was a charity smooch. Ego much?
We then see Louie confessionaling that Captain Assmunch wants to eliminate the manpower and now that leaves just him and not much other manpower, the camera than cuts to a shot of the ambiguously gay Jupiter. I love when the editors make fun like that.
This little video mockery is interrupted by an angry Jay confronting Kendra to see if she really did go back on her promise to vote the way he wanted. He whines about how Kendra gave her word and failed to keep it. I would think her ability to play him like that would make her a good pirate. Pirates aren’t known for their honesty. Other things not usually associated with pirate life: knitting, breeding llamas and interpretive dance.
Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Dancer’s Life for Me!
Jay goes on to say he called Kendra out in front of everybody. Note to Jay: if everyone on the ship wants you and your Triad buddies gone, don’t you think ripping on Kendra is going to make the rest of the ship warm up to her even more? Just a thought.
Cue the intro music and it’s Jig Time. I dance my way to the kitchen to grab my first bottle of Aquafina so that I can be good and quenched for what will prove to be an exciting voyage. Ironically, one of the first commercials is for Dasani bottled water. I stroke my Aquafina bottle to reassure it that I could never be lured away from its sexy blue label. Dasani, try as you might, you will NEVER tempt me.
When we return, we find the Picton Castle being tossed around some mighty strong waves. If I were on board I would be tossing my gruel right about now. Seriously though, check out the height of those waves.
Are we jumping any sharks yet?
Expedition time! Cameron calls all pirates to amidships. This time, however, he takes the key to open the Chest of Zanzibar himself. The next treasure was hidden by Captain Steele’s navigator, Salvador Fuentes of Spain. Cameron, taking a cue from Cap’n Munch’s book, delights us with his Spanish accent. Apparently, this ship is a floating tower of Babel. This is an expedition down the Rio Del Muerte, the River of Death a place for ghosts. Cameron then whistles and some ghost pirates climb on board.
Can you tell which Pirate program had a better special effects budget?
The crew reacted with gasps and dropping jaws. Some of them were excited and the Triad looked a bit panicked. This go round the entire crew will be competing as the black team against the ghost crew which will be competing under the red flag. Today it will be winning crew takes all, unlike all those other expeditions when the winning crew took… um… all. Ok, so maybe that’s not entirely different. However, in a twist, if the ghost crew wins, they will be able to decide who’ll receive the black spot. Right about then, Jay soiled himself. At this news, Louie cackled crazily about how this was gonna be a good day.
The two crews boarded their longboats and waited for Cameron to shoot off his gun. Both teams began rowing as fast as they could while Cameron narrated the first clue.
Clue: Using their maps, the crews must navigate up the jungle river and look for the coffin containing a riddle and their next clues.
The black team managed to get a lead and got to the mouth of the river first. Once they spotted the coffin Jay dove out of the boat and swam to shore. While Jay struggled to open the coffin the red team caught up and John and Sean dove in. I can not tell you how delighted I am to have John back. You may remember John; he is the Scientist/Exotic Dancer who got cut adrift in the first episode. I was sad that I was not able to recap him because a job description like that just begs to be mocked. However, now that the opportunity is here – I am coming up short. So back to the expedition, I’m sure John will give me more material to work with soon.
It was also exciting to see Sean again. Sean confessionaled that he is glad to be back and wants to cut the other team’s throat. I think he must have misread the clue, I am not sure murder is actually part of this expedition. It sure would liven up the ratings though. In spite of Sean’s big talk, the black team managed to get their clue first. The clue was written on the lid of the coffin so they tore it off and took it with them back to their longboat. The black crew managed to get into their boats and back on the river before the red crew had their lid off.
Clue: The crews must head up the river and search for the key to the treasure. The first crew there will have the opportunity to sabotage the crew that follows, putting their key further out of reach.
The black crew came to a point where they had to abandon their longboat and continue on foot through the shallow water. Cut to a long shot showing the red crew gaining on them. Fortunately for the Triad, Cap’n Munch managed to locate and retrieve their key first. Ben used that time to activate the sabotage against the red team forcing John into Tarzan mode, climbing the vine to get to the red crew’s key.
Sadly, “figuring it out” would not prove to be his strong suit.
Clue: With key in hand, the crews must make their way to the fork in the river and use their compasses to head east to a graveyard and their next clue.
Fortunately, the ghost crew is in good shape for navigation. We know John has 2 compasses of his own and should those get lost, Je’Don can always find direction by looking at the moon. Oh wait. This challenge takes place during the day.
We see Capt’n Munch struggling with the compass. You may remember last week how great they did with navigating that tricky “2 o’clock” direction; he isn’t doing much better this week. While the black crew was debating which east to take “Do we want East East or East on the money?” the ghost crew had finally managed to unravel their key and made the colossal blunder of giving it to John for safekeeping.
As the black crew continued to head in the wrong direction, the red crew was on the way to the correct one thanks to Je’Don and his navigation skills extraordinaire. That would have been really great if not for that whole missing key situation. Jay finally realized the black crew was going in the wrong direction. While the ghost crew were making tracks someone called out for the key. John decided to lie and say he handed it off to someone. They all realized he was lying and as panic set in we cut to commercial. OOOH the suspense -can you handle it?
We return and Burnett decided to show us that same scene again – just for added emphasis. My favorite part is when Je’Don says in a sing-songy voice “John had the kee-ey.” I love it when adults resort to childish mocking. The ghost crew raced back to the water to try to search for their key. Je’Don then said how he hates to point fingers and before those words were out of his mouth he was pointing at John. Meanwhile, John was trying to walk through what happened and was interrupted by Je’Don who said “you’re mouth’s empty and your hands are empty.” Was he expecting to find the key in John’s mouth? Then again, he IS an exotic dancer, I’m sure he’s had worse things in his mouth. (yea, it’s bad but I really wanted to make a joke about his job).
Je’Don encourages the crew to find what he calls the $100,000 key. Then we see John rambling that “I have no idea what happened to the key, losing something is not something you remember that you lost, so, you know, I don’t know.” So, I’m curious – exactly what kind of Scientist IS John?
While the ghost crew was fumbling around for their key the black crew was finally headed in the right direction. They quickly found the cemetery and proceeded to find two cryptic graves.
Clue: The crews must now use their compass to head north and find the angel tree and locate the hidden treasure.
Back in the water, everyone was taking turns making fun of John. Included are the questions “Why would you let go of the key?” and “Did you eat it, John?” That’s the second person that thinks the place to look for the lost key is in John’s mouth. I’m starting to wonder what he did when he was on the ship. Lost the anchor? “John, spit out that anchor dammit!”
Sean commented that since the key was metal it would sink along with their hopes and dreams. Who knew Sean was such a poet?
Back at the cemetery, Jay got a proper reading on his compass and pointed the way North. Meanwhile, it seems the ghost crew’s decided to stand on the shore and watch as John flails around looking for the key. Wouldn’t it make sense to have every pair of eyes looking for it? Somewhere along the way John ended up with a swim mask. I don’t remember that being part of the pirate wardrobe.
While you’re down there, look for a shark to jump.
Je’Don asked the crew if he should drown John and the consensus was “yes”. Sadly, we already know from last week that Je’Don is all talk and no action when it comes to threats of violence.
The black crew easily finds the angel tree and as Cap’n Munch climbs it, Louie prays “Dear Lord, tell me it is so”. Unlike last week, this week God is feeling more kindly towards Louie and the black crew had indeed found their treasure. Again. Asmyth gets gold. Again. And he’ll stay on as Captain. Again. Sensing a pattern here?
Wait a minute; if Louie wanted the Triad out of power….why was he praying to God to let the treasure be in that tree? Wouldn’t it behoove him to have the black crew lose this mission? And, since the crew members of the black crew outnumbered the Triad – they could have easily worked against them to get them out of power. Ok, that is assuming that John would EVER find the key, but still it was a possibility.
When the ghost crew heard the gunshot indicating they had lost, they all looked around gloomily. Well gang, do you see why you were all voted off in the first place? Buncha losers. Sure, John lost the key, but who was the numbnuts who gave it to him in the first place? Ugh. Get off my screen; I’m done with the lot of you.
In a Pirate Master first, Cameron was actually seen off the ship as he gathered the losers…. Er…ghosts, to the cemetery and mocked them for their inability to even make it that far in the challenge. See, he DOES have some Probst-ishness. When asked what happened, Je’Don explained that they lost the key. I was surprised he didn’t take that opportunity to bash John some more.
When asked if they were a little rusty, Je’Don rolled his eyes and said “some of us are”. Ok so he still has a little bashin life left in him. He confessionals how he knew exactly who he would have liked to place under a black spot, hmmm… I wonder. Cameron told the ghost pirates it was time for them to disappear and then Burnett actually faded them out of the shot. For a moment I thought I was watching Without a Trace.
Without a Trace…..of that damned key!
Cameron, still cavorting on the island, now in a light rain under a rainbow, welcomed the black crew to the cemetery. He seemed so happy to be off that ship. They should let him off more often. When asked if he had the key for his gold, Cap’n Munch joked that you need to keep it safe at all times. Words of advice that John could have used. After counting their gold, they discovered they had won $50,000 (not that $100k that Je’Don was yammering about earlier. Where did he get that number anyhow?). Cap’n Munch points out that it’s the largest haul so far, forgetting that since he has all the remaining pirates on his crew that’s a larger pool of folks to share the gold with.
Cap’n Munch decided to keep the same Officers. No surprise there. The Triad was instructed to go back and mark three pirates with black spots. Nessa would need to sell her Royal Pardon and those who felt in jeopardy would need to place their bids on it. Back on board the Triad recounts their money. They talk about what they could buy with all their coinage. Interrupting their shopping plans, Jay pulled out an extra $500 for Jupiter since she’s the cook.
On the upper deck, Nessa and Louie whisper about how they wanted the ghosts to win. This brings us to our weekly mutiny discussion. They think they actually have a shot at succeeding in convincing Ben and Jay to turn on the Captain. Nessa gets Jay to come to her bunk and she tells him that Assmunch is getting too powerful and is a threat to everyone. She tries to convince him to get rid of Munch now. Jay confessionals that at some point Munch will have to go. He then talks about how he will mutiny when the time is right. Blah blah blah – I was tempted to cut and paste my mutiny remarks from the last two recaps since it’s the same false hope every week.
When we return from commercial, Laurel is telling Jupiter how everyone wants a mutiny. Jupiter, the high paid cook, doesn’t want to see a mutiny as she has it good right now. When everyone sits down to dinner, Jupiter decides to warn Cap’n Munch about all the mutiny talks so that he won’t be caught off guard. Actually, the way she starts out is to ask “are you going to keep everything the same, or are you going to switch things out and make it fun again?” The Cap’n misreads her motivation thinking she is threatening to mutiny. We then pan around the table to catch everyone’s “Oh Shit” expressions. I guess they were hoping to keep that mutiny idea a secret.
Jupiter continues to dig herself in deeper and Cap’n Munch responds that she is making more money than anyone else. Ya see, the rest of the crew didn’t know about her cook kickbacks. I guess tonight we are airing all our secrets. Poor Jupiter, she was trying to be a good friend by warning ole Munch, sadly he took it as a threat and betrayal. He thanks her for bringing it up and then we see the Triad back in Captain’s Cabin talking about how Jupiter needs to go.
Back in crew’s quarters Nessa asks Kendra if she is bidding on the Royal Pardon again. Kendra feels she has a huge target on her back because Jay is angry at her. She’s right to feel worried as the Triad lists her first as someone to give a black spot to. The next name they mention is Laurel’s. And the third name is Jupiter. They think she is the person they can trust the least when in reality she is the ONLY person on the crew who does not want to mutiny them. On the other hand, Nessa has been gunning for them and for once she won’t have a Royal Pardon to protect her. From the Triad perspective, it would have been a smart week to cut Nessa adrift. Ah… but these are not smart men.
The crew is gathered amidships to receive their summons. As expected, Kendra, Jupiter and Laurel were the three to receive black spots. Laurel comments about how Cap’n Munch keeps putting her up on the black spot. She is sick of that super freak and wants him gone. She proceeds to make fun of his fake dreads and confessionals that she plans to do her best to embarrass him.
Dread Wars 2007
More mutiny talk between Louie and Nessa – I’m not even going to recap this conversation. We all know how this is going to turn out. Oh wait – new twist, now we even have Jay pretending that a mutiny is possible.
Cameron calls Pirate’s Court to session. The ghosts returned, the pirates prevailed and for Captain Assmunch it’s business as usual. Cameron asks the captain why these three ladies were marked and for the first time Cap’n Munch actually pulls out a little script. He starts with Kendra and states that she is a liability on the missions. Next there is Jupiter who took the initiative to address the dissatisfaction of the crew towards the Triad – even though they take care of her. Cameron asked what he meant by that. Cap’n Munch informs Cameron that Jupiter gets a cook’s wage, resulting in her getting more than the rest of the crew. I am sure Cameron thinks this is a shocking revelation – he wasn’t at dinner the night before when this was first revealed. Sorry Cam, ole buddy, if you would mingle more you would know these things. Cap’n Munch continues his campaign against Jupiter stating she appears to be a bit ungrateful.
Cap’n Munch finishes by telling the crew that Laurel is on the block because she has an attitude. He comments that she wants mutiny but why do they need to mutiny when they have a captain who shares the gold with the crew. Laurel responds that she doesn’t have an attitude she just doesn’t like Cap’n Munch and it has nothing to do with the crew. He then started to interrupt her and she put up her hand and told him to stay quiet until she was finished talking because she is really sick of his voice.
Dreadlock BarbieTM says talk to the hand.
As everyone giggles, Laurel turns to Louie, Nessa and Kendra to ask them if they would share the gold if they were captain and they all indicate they would. She then glowers up at Munch to ask why he thinks he’s “Super Super Duper Special” just because he does what anyone else would do in his position.
Kendra was up next to defend her position. She talked about how she gets stronger every expedition and that she will never stop she’ll keep on going.
Jupiter then notes that she is shocked to hear there were so many issues between her and the captain. She says it is really great and good to know. Huh? She then talks about how she wants change and that change is good for people.
Cameron warns the captain that as always mutiny is an option. Sha’ right. Cap’n Munch agrees that he has stacked the deck and is on a winning streak. Why would he change things now? He thinks he has set a fair and just example.
Time to cast ballots – after the ballots we will find out the high bidder for the Royal Pardon. The pirates make their slow march to the Dagger of Doom as ominous drum beats play in the background. This week we didn’t get any sneak peeks at the voting. I guess the low-angle cameraman had a day off.
Three pirates, three ballots. Cameron leaned over the dagger to pull off the ballots. If that big wave from earlier had come up on the ship – it is conceivable that Cameron could have been impaled on that dagger. I think an upturned dagger on a ship is just a dangerous idea. I’m tempted to contact OSHA.
Before revealing the results of the ballots, there is the business of the Royal Pardon. There were two bids, but the high bid was Kendra who bid $4,000 on a Royal Pardon that she didn’t need. She did not receive a single ballot. She was instructed to take a seat and pay Nessa right away. Cameron than informed Laurel that she, too, was safe and asked her to join the crew. It was now between Jupiter and Captain Assmunch.
Cameron then told Cap’n Munch he was safe and that Jupiter had 3 ballots against her. I guess Jupiter got that change she was craving. Cameron proceeded to lay down three ballots onto his barrel. None of these ballots had a single mark on them. Not a single dagger tear.
And for my next trick, I will make these cards disappear.
So what did you think? Did you like seeing the Ghost Pirates? Could John have been a bigger tool? Was Jay foolish not to get rid of Nessa? Do you think Cameron could have a career as a cruise ship magician?