Please tell me it’s not ANOTHER hatch!
Thanks to everyone for the kind comments and support last week! Having survived my first recap without being cut adrift…Ahoy, Mateys! It’s time to board the Picton Castle and set sail for Episode 7 of Pirate Master!
The episode opens in Captain’s Cabin where the Tremendous Triad is “grogging it up” and bragging about how well-rested and well-fed they are. Then Cap’n Munch blathers on about fate and destiny and yada yada…. the black crew shall triumph.
The crew’s in quarters. Je’Don confessionals that it’s time for new blood to lead the ship. Um, he was already captain twice. Wouldn’t that make him OLD blood? He comments that if he doesn’t get a win he will hang himself. Now wouldn’t that make for a much more dramatic outcome to pirate’s court?
On that note it’s time for our opening credits. I just love that Piratey music during the opening. It makes me want to do a jig every time.
We return to see the ship sitting in a cove. Ever notice how rarely that “working ship” is actually doing any sort of sailing? Our weak and lethargic crew is moping around as they worry about the lack of food they are getting.
Gruel. It’s what’s for breakfast.
It’s funny to remember back to the early episodes when Cap’n Munch was going to be the hero of the crew. He talked about being generous and sharing the wealth. Now, with a little gold in his pocket he has his crew existing on a daily ration of one half a cup of gruel as they scurry about doing all the work for him. Louie talks about how he’s lost all kinds of weight on this meager diet. Forget Jenny Craig! CBS is the road to skinny.
After that sumptuous breakfast, Cap’n Munch called all hands on deck to assign duties. The first order of business was to take the strongest competition and tucker them out. As a former nanny, I have used these tactics before, and they often work. He sends Je’Don into the water to scrub barnacles off the hull and Louie is sent to the rigging to tie up the sails. I have to confess, now that Louie has lost so much weight, I was feeling a little worried that his pants might not make the climb with him. Fortunately for us, he had them cinched up nice and tight.
It was a tame opening, but I started to get excited when we saw Je’Don and Laurel from an underwater angle. Having been trained by all those Jaws sequels, I knew that flailing under water could mean only one thing – we were in store for a nice little shark attack.
Dunuh, dunah dunah dunah duna duna
The sharks went for Je’Don first and chomped him up while Laurel screamed and thrashed around. It was really cool, well – it WOULD have been. Actually Je’Don and Laurel were just shown scrubbing the hall with big brushes while we got to to watch the Triad chow down on some heaping plates of breakfast. Seriously, they looked like they were having the Rootie Tootie Fresh N’ Fruitie plate from Denny’s. I kept expecting some senior citizens with walkers to wander by in the background, which begs the question, is there some sort of chromosone that kicks in when you are 65 that you crave Denny’s?
The clanging of the bell indicates it’s time for me to get back to the show and stop craving silver dollar pancakes. Oh shoot, does that mean I’m old? Cameron calls the pirates to the deck, which must mean it’s time to open the next compartment in the Chest of Zanzibar. The next treasure was stolen by Captain Henry Steel’s purser. I always thought the purser was a little suspicious.
Politicians, Pirates, Crooks…same diff.
Clue time: The purser left the first clue to his treasure at the western tip of the island, floating beneath a marker secured inside a bottle.
And it was also time to draw crews. The black crew was made up of Cap’n Munch, Ben, Jay, Laurel and Jupiter. On the red crew we have Je’Don, Louie, Kendra, Nessa and Steroid BarbieTM.
The crews made their way to their long boats to head to the clue. The red crew got an early lead but the black crew made it to the floating marker faster since they were actually rowing in the right direction. Ben dove over (hehe bend over) to get the clue inside the bottle. Je’Don dove down for the red crew and managed to make up some time.
Clue 2: Armed with a map of the island, the crews must now row east to skull point. Once there, they must search the island for a canon where two hidden ropes await them.
We watch as our two crews row and it’s neck and neck. The black crew manages to get on the island first and races up the hill to the canon. The red team’s hunger was taking it’s toll as they lagged behind. Both teams found their rope around the same time, but despite all the practice Je’Don and Louie have had pulling ropes, the black crew managed to pull ahead in the barrel pulling competition.
Louie confessionals that he needs to take out his biggest threat, Cap’n Munch. Well, we all know how successul Louie is when he sets his mind to something….
As we return from commercial, both crews are still pulling away at their ropes. The black crew pulls their barrel up first and finds the next clue.
Clue: The Canon faces high noon, at 2:00 a numeral will be discovered at the bottom of that number your treasure will be uncovered.
At this point the black crew decides to just start running off without checking to see where their canon was facing. The red crew finally gets their barrel and their clue. They quickly determine where 2:00 is and see the X on the beach. Fortunately for the red crew, Steroid Barbie knows her roman numerals.
Steroid Barbie TM: Brains and Beauty
Meanwhile, the black crew is still wandering the island holding up their arms and calling out times of day. In the end, they decide to just follow the red team. They all landed on the beach around the same time and the music sped up to let us know it was time to see who can dig faster. The red crew found their box first and another clue:
Clue 4: You’ll find no treasure here, just three round keys and a map to the treasure. The crews must follow their maps to the bunker, using the dials they must figure out the correct order of the numbers 9, 2 and 4 to unlock the bunker and uncover the treasure.
The two teams ran together towards the bunker. The black crew got their round keys into the lock and while the red team appeared to be busy praying and looking pensive, the black crew managed to unlock their door and reveal the treasure in the hatch below.
Louie: God, if you aren’t too busy helping Amber from Big Brother, could you please toss some treasure my way?
The music blares and we cut to commercial. Must be time for me to grab a cold refreshing Aquafina. Mmm… I bet it even goes well with gruel.
Cameron is there to welcome the losing red team on board. He might not have the Probst cockiness or the Keoghan eyebrow but he does pull off a great sympathetic face.
Nessa confessionals that they really needed a win here (no shit, Sherlock). Cameron points out that the Captain and his officers are becoming very rich and powerful men. Ok so he does point out the obvious, but that was in the script. Can’t blame him for that. He reminds Je’Don that he must bring the pardon to Pirate’s Court where it will be sold to the highest bidder. Cameron then spouts what could be his new catch phrase: “Good Effort, But Not Good Enought” though I am not sure it has the appeal of “The tribe has spoken”, “You’re Fired!” or my new personal fave from Hell’s Kitchen “Get the F*** out of my kitchen!” Gotta love that Ramsey, he’s got such a way with words.
The red crew goes down to their quarters to drink and commiserate. We see that many of them have reason to worry that they will be getting a black spot. The black crew climbs on board with their new treasure. They pulled in $35,000 on this mission. $17,500 goes to the Captain. Cap’n Munch chose to keep the same officers (no surprise there). They went back to the Captain’s cabin and agreed to go with a 60/40 split with their crew. Laurel confessionals that the women are not as greedy as the men and it would be a good idea to have an all female office. Shame she didn’t think of that sooner, like when the women outnumbered the men. They could have figured out a way to blow a mission to take over command. Oh wait, I said that last week.
We come back from Laurel’s confessional to see Jupiter bringing a snack to the officers. I guess all the effort from eating earlier made them work up an appetite. Jupiter is now officially my least favorite person on the show. There is nothing I hate more than a brown noser. Jay tosses her an extra $500 for her efforts.
Back in quarters, Nessa asks if anyone is bidding on the pardon. Louie, the rocket scientist, tells them exactly how much he plans to bid. Doesn’t he realize that the people he is in confiding in are the exact people he will be competing against for the pardon? We immediately see Nessa writing down her bid and something tells me she’s gonna out bid Louie. Call it a hunch. Nessa then confessionals that she and Je’Don can keep the pardon going back and forth between the two of them. She forgets that the person without the pardon is at risk. This little tidbit might pop up to foil her plan in the not to distant future.
We then see Kendra talking to Jay. She doesn’t want to waste money on a pardon she might not need, so she is basically promising him her vote if he keeps her off the chopping block. I can’t really blame her. After being on the block two weeks in a row, she needed to find a way to keep her arse on board.
Sell Out Barbie TM
Jay then confessionals that if he can keep Kendra she has his back forever. Week-by-week Jay is striking me as the smartest player in this game. He has been lining himself up with the power people and working side deals and no one has seemed to catch on. He manages to stroke the ego of whoever is Captain so that they never see him as the threat that he really is.
Back in Captain’s Cabin the Triad is plotting who to give the black spot to. Jay immediately suggests Je’Don since he openly said he was a threat at the last pirate’s court. Cap’n Munch suggests Kendra, since he’s now used to tossing her name into the mix. Jay the puppetmaster diverts their attention from Kendra and suggests Nessa instead. They determine that Nessa will likely be safe since she and Je’Don keep swapping spit…I mean.. the Pardon. They also need a third person that no one would vote for ensuring a Je’Don departure. They realize that no one will vote Louie out as he is everyone’s favorite.
That brings up a thought: if no one would vote out Louie and he is everyone’s favorite, wouldn’t that make Louie the biggest threat? I mean if this show follows the Survivor format, in the end do you really want to be sitting next to everyone’s favorite guy? I don’t think so.
The pirates are all at midships and the officers come up to hand out the summons. Cap’n Munch starts by saying “No brilliant speeches this morning” which would mean it’s no different than any OTHER day. hehe.
Kendra opened her summons to see she didn’t have a black spot, she proceeded to bow to the officers. Way to keep your agreement secret babe. No one will ever suspect that you made a deal. Louie thinks that they gave him a black spot because of his skill at the missions. Flash back to earlier today when he spent the mission praying rather than digging. Yeah, you’re skilled alright, buddy. He then says that he loves the ladies on board and since the voting is in the hands of the women, he is hoping the ladie’s love him.
Je’Don notes that although Louie is popular, popularity doesn’t win expeditions. They could easily point out that Je’Don has lost his last few expeditions so that might not be the right angle to take.
It is now that time in the episode when we pretend that there is even a chance that anyone would mutiny. I guess Mark Burnett is really determined to keep the illusion of that “possibility” alive. They think that the ONLY person they need in order to pull off the mutiny is Jupiter. They call her over to see if she would consider it. Having just lined her pockets with that extra coinage she isn’t really interested in turning on her Sugar Daddies just yet.
Is there any way you are interested in men?
When we return from commercial we see Louie showing Laurel how to steer the ship. He confessionals that he looks at the ladies on this ship as his daughters and he is trusting his fate to them. How old is this guy? I didn’t think he was that old.
We see Nessa and Je’Don talking some more about how much they love Louie but popularity doesn’t get you the money. They talk about how much they will miss each other. Je’Don says he might shave before pirate’s court and Nessa comments on how good he looks when he’s scruffy.
Jay reminds Kendra that she can’t go back on her word. She gave her word that she would vote for Je’Don. She then confessionals about how conflicted she is since Je’Don is the best chance they have to break up the Triad. Babe, unless Burnett has another twist up his sleeve, I think THAT ship has sailed.
â€¨As the sun sets over the water we hear the clanging bell that means Pirate’s Court is now in session. Cameron quickly reviews how things work at PC and then asks Cap’n Munch why he put these three up for black spot.
The lame excuse for why Nessa was put up was that she was upset about not getting the treasure. He thought she might be unhappy since she isn’t on the crew pulling gold. Wouldn’t that be true of anyone on the losing crew?
He then noted that Louie is simply a place holder tonight. And here Louie thought he was a threat, that had to be a blow to his ego. Cap’n says he doesn’t think Louie will be set adrift. Cameron points out that it must mean they are willing to risk losing Louie and Cap’n Munch confirms that.
He then comments on how Je’Don is a fierce competitor who is gunning for the officers. Any threat on board has to be delt with. Cameron then gives each marked pirate the opportunity to defend themself.
Nessa confirms that she is not happy to have lost the last three missions. She said that if they want to blame her for being dissatisified that it is their perogative. She then says that clearly they have a strategy to get rid of their competition and she thinks they should embrace the competition and keep the strong players in the game. I am guessing that is not a strategy she would take if the shoe were on the other foot.
Louie is up next, he says he loves the ship, he likes the men and he LOVES the ladies. He then said he is as proud as any father would be of all of them. He hasn’t lied to anyone, he’s ready to take the test, blah blah blah…
Je’Don says he will skip the formalities, Nessa is more than likely holding the pardon so voting for her won’t do good. It’s between him and Louie. If Louie is the father than Je’Don is the warrior. He then said they need a warrior to light the way. He says he is willing to tell it like it is and that’s a prized possession on a ship full of deceit and lies. Boy, he really DOES have amnesia. He is not remembering at all how he ran the ship when he was Captain. He says he can keep them safe from being picked off one by one. Considering he has been on the losing crew the last three missions and has watched people get picked off the last three PC’s – isn’t his speech a little too little a little too late?
Je’Don then reminded Kendra of how he pulled her arse across the water when she couldn’t swim on the last mission. He said he felt like he kinda saved her then and tonight he needs her to save him. Cut to Jay looking a little nervous.
Doesn’t this sash make me look fierce?
Cameron then asked Kendra if she can afford to lose Je’Don since there will be many more times when she will have to swim. Kendra responded that they needed Je’Don and could not afford to lose him. Cameron then asked Steroid BarbieTM if Louie was in any danger. She commented on how she loves him and basically sidestepped the question. Cameron then asked Laurel about the game and she said it is now about strategy. Finally. That was everyone’s complaint about her two episodes ago, that she wouldn’t play with a strategy. Cameron then asked Jupiter how she felt about her choices. She towed the Triad party line saying how Louie was nice and that he was a commodity that they could not afford to lose.
It is now time to vote, each pirate has 4 ballots, one with the name of each marked pirate and one with the captain. Once the ballots were cast we would find out who was the highest bidder for the Royal Pardon. We then see the parade of pirates as they went to stab their vote on the Dagger of Doom. When it was Kendra’s turn the camera angle revealed to us that she did NOT keep her word, she actually cast her ballot against Louie. That would mean Jay is 0 for 2 with voting deals he has made on this ship. I gotta confess, I love that she lied!
Guess she realized that if she drowns, loving Louie won’t matter.
Four pirates, four ballots. Cameron gathers the votes. But first (shout out to the Chen-Bot), we need to find out who was the hightest bidder on the Royal Pardon. There are three bids. The high bidder was Nessa with $5,000. Nessa paid Je’Don and he gave her the pardon. Cameron then pointed out that she paid for a pardon that she didn’t need. There were no ballots cast against her.
There were also no ballots for mutiny. Cap’n Assmunch made his usual smirky smug face and I threw my empty Aquafina bottle at the TV. (If throwing stuff works for flipit, it’s good enough for me. LOVE!)
Did the crew decide to keep the Father or the Warrior? Cameron informed Je’Don that at a vote of 3 to 1 his voyage was over. Pirate’s Court was adjourned and the Captain was instructed to cut Je’Don adrift. But first, Je’Don and Nessa shared a long lingering smooch. It was then I noticed he had kept his face all scruffy, like she asked. I noticed because I was thinking that kiss must have left her with quite a little razor burn BUT when you see Je’Don on his little Lincoln Logs raft his facial hair was much less prominent. Upon further inspection his shirt and pants look a lot cleaner too! Hey! I call Chenanigans! I bet they filmed everyone’s exit on the same night (that would explain the consistently calm water) the same way they used to do on The Apprentice with the Taxicabs pulling away.
I use Tide to get my clothes clean and fresh!
So, what did you think? Did Kendra dig her own grave? Will the women EVER get a clue and rise up against the men? Will Louie’s pants continue to defy gravity?