Platinum Hit: A New Crop of Ass Clowns

Hey hey Gasmii!  It feels like only yesterday we were dishing on polygamists, and now here we are ready to mock the dreams of aspiring musicians across the globe.  I’m excited for this train-wreck because I remember back when Jewel was a guest judge on Idol, and let me tell ya, that bitch was c-o-l-d.  Contestants would get up and be like, “Ohmigod! Jewel!  You’re my idol and I love you so much and I’m missing my senior prom to be here to sing for you!”  And then Jewel would be like, “Bitch, I lived in a van! I’m from Alaska.  I don’t give a shit about your prom. You suck and you should kill yourself on the bus-ride home.”  And then Paula would jerk awake mid-chair spin to throw up in her own hand before slurring out something about how that song had pretty colors.  God I miss those days… Fuck you J-Lo!

Fuck these kids!  Let’s get drunk…er.

Anyway, let’s watch this bitch already.  Opening scene:  Fast motion montage of stuff happening in cities.  Cars go by really fast, the sun rises and sets in two seconds, bums die of hypothermia and are swept into alleys by producing who don’t want to fuck up their establishing shots.  A blonde woman tells us that a group of song-writers are here to compete and be judged by some of the top hit-makers in the world.  Then we flash through a bunch of quick shots of said top hit-makers, and I don’t recognize a one of them.  Oh holy crap, that blonde woman is Jewel!  Someone went Extreme Makeover fucked-up-teeth and Alaska Barbie edition on her ass.  Jeebus!

Right?  Who will save your soul from botox…

Credits, bleh.  Oh god, Kara DeGuardrail or whatever is on this show?  Fuck!  I need to do more research before I sign on for recapping duties.  Okay, fair warning Gasmii:  The only person I hate more than Kara is Russel Crowe.  And maybe Nick Cage… They’re pretty evenly matched on the Miki-Celebrity-Detestometer.  I will not being saying nice things about her even if she does something commendable.  Not that she’s going to, because she’s a vapid whore-beast that writes terrible music, so I guess we don’t have too much to worry about there.

At least you’ve surrounded yourself with super unlikable people…

Okay, let’s meet our contestants.  First up to the plate is Nick.

Neck tat in the music industry equals My Only Fallback Job is Bouncer

He tells us he’s a musical genius, but he’s dressed himself as though he’s about to go audition for Project Runway (see: terribly) and he treats us to a painful rendition of some complaint rock, performed with his hat all askew like I used to wear mine back in 1989 when it was cool cause The Fresh Prince did it.  He idolizes Michael Jackson and wants to be the next king of pop.  I don’t like him, but I don’t yet hate him, so he could still change my mind.

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared

Next up is Jackie, who introduces herself to the clearly gay Scottie (no straight man outside the Starship Enterprise goes by Scottie after the age of nine) . She’s from Laawwwng Eyyeluhnd and is 30 years old (gasp! someone get her a wheelchair!).

Yes, her face looks like all the time

Instant hate based on my suspicion that she’s way over-exaggerating her accent to get attention.  She wants to affect people the way other people have affected her through their music, but we don’t get a snippet of what she does quite yet.   Nothing on Scottie yet.  We just hear him tell Jackie to “Hug it out.”

All the contestants are gathering in Bravo’s designated meeting place, The Grammy Museum, and the next one the producers give a soundbite to is Nevin.  Yep.  Nevin.  With an N.  Fucking hell.

I’m sorry, are these the auditions for the Gap commercial from 1998?

Okay, maybe I’m extra cranky and judgmental tonight, but I want to smack the everlasting shit out of this guy.  He’s wearing a baby blue deep-v neck and khakis for starters.  And then he starts going on about his songs are a “Reflection of his life.”  He says he sings for the orphans and the widows and the people out there to don’t have a voice.  I happen to have a pretentious douche-bag to English translator on my computer, and that translates to:  “I sing so girls will touch my penis.”  He tells us he’s a “Leader of Men” and that people look to him for direction, which he tries to give them as honestly as he can.  Okay… Is this guy some sort of youth minister or just a megalomaniac?

One time I told this guy from Detroit how to get to the airport…

Next up, filling the role of sassy black woman, is Sonyae.  She says she was put on earth to make music and has been writing songs since she was seven.  Big deal.  I wrote songs when I was seven too.  They were terrible and mostly about how my sisters were mean and I loved my pet hamster, but I still WROTE them.  She grew up around music in church and school and something about her mom being in the business or something.  Her boobs are making a valiant effort to escape from her shirt, and she’s wearing her sunglasses indoors, but aside from that she doesn’t bother me yet.

For the record, God does not make boobs like that. Ever.

Just to offset sassy black woman we bring in Karen, our super white-bread Aryan poster child.

Could you two stand next to each other so the Bravo network could better accentuate your stereotypes?

She’s from the South, and that’s all the information we get before in walks a large black man named Blessing.  He is also wearing his sunglasses indoors, but based on the guide dog he has with him I’m gonna give him a pass since he’s clearly blind.  Blessing lost his vision when he was nine, and says music was a way for him to cope with no longer being able to play sports and do the things that normal kids do.  Despite the fact that his parents named him Blessing Offor, I still don’t mind him.

I’d make fun of your shirt, but since you couldn’t actually see your outfit you get a pass on that too

Next up is Johnny.  He’s a computer nerd and a dead-ringer for that one dude from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  He makes a good living writing code or whatever, but music is his passion.

Computer nerd plus guitar equals dork without a V-card.

And then there’s Jes, who describes herself as quirky.  I hate hate hate when people describe themselves as quirky.  It’s fine for other people call you quirky, but if you introduce yourself that way it generally means you’re overcompensating for the fact that you’re both incredibly boring and a giant attention whore.

And channeling Mary Tyler Moore

Is that everyone?  Cause in walks cyborg-Jewel (there’s no way more than half of that woman is organic at this point), which I think means we’re done with introductions.  Jewel explains the rules.  Each week the contestants will have to begin by writing a hook.  Then, they’ll have to expand that hook into a song.  The winner gets 100k, a publishing deal with Sony, and a recording deal with RCA.  Time to throw down the first “Hook Challenge.”  These jokes kinda write themselves, huh Cyborg Jewel?

We’ll see who the best hooker is… No wait, uh… You all have a half hour to hook and see what you come up with… Dammit!

The Hook Challenge is to write a hook about the city of Los Angeles.  And they only get 30 minutes.  Nick, the douche we met first, provides me with more reason to want to kick him by immediately raising his hand and shouting, “Done!”  Shut up, asshat.

Ms Cyborg Jewel I finished my test early and then Anthony tried to look at my paper but I wouldn’t let him and those questions were SO EASY

The artists run off to these separate areas complete with instruments and headphones and pens and start writing furiously.  Except for nick, who lies down on the floor and does his best to look bored.  Scotty thinks he’s a tool too, and says that if he wrote the whole hook already it probably sucks.

I’mma put my head down and sleep cause I finished first cause it was really easy and did I get another gold star cause I have 16 more gold stars than Sara now even though she’s been in your class for longer than I have…

Oh hey!  New person.  Amber is really into jazz and looks a lot like Sarah Silverman.

Right?

Southern Girl says this is only her second time in L.A., but what she remembers most is getting smiled at by a homeless man on the streets.  She’s writing some really crappy sounding song about love from above being the same no matter how many lights a city has.  She’s kind of adorable and likable, but I’m not seeing good things for her actual musical skills.

Homeless people remind me that God loves me.

Nevin, AKA Captain Pretentious, says that he doesn’t like being rushed because truly great artists are never rushed.  I agree Nevin, but I fail to see what it has to do with your current time limit.

Burn!!!  Not just because of my sassy comment.  I actually would like you die to a fire.

Countdown to time, and let’s hear these mutha-fucking hooks!  Jewel announces that there’s another judge coming in to hear the hooks.  It’s head judge Kara Dejonmustard!  Hate.  Jewel and Kara will pick the top four, who will get an as yet unspecified advantage later on.

Isn’t this like letting Kei$ha  judging a chastity contest?  Just sayin…

Scotty is up first, and we learn that he’s the creative director for Jorbacca herself (Jordin Sparks) so he’s familiar with the industry.  He’s does a not great but not terrible hook that’s sort of Aaron Neville-ish.

Pro tip: Before naming your song, think about the graphic with it listed under your name will look like

Johnny the nerd does a folk-ish thing about getting lost in L.A.   He’s totally not bad, but a little too John Mayer-ish for my taste.  Hopefully he has a more unique sound when given more than 15 seconds to perform, because he’s pretty likable as well, and I have a sense of comeradere with geeks because I am also a major geek.

Sonyae is up next, still rockin the shades.  She doesn’t play an instrument, but goes acapella.  It’s meh.

At least she took the shades off before she really got to showing off her hooking abilities

Blessing does a boring something that’s pretty but instantly forgettable, Amber’s sounds decent, and I actually kinda like Jackie’s sound.  The producers really did montage us through all those contestants because apparently there wasn’t time to let us hear their entire fifteen second hooks.  Whatever Bravo… Wouldn’t wanna take away from valuable time that could be devoted to Nevin using his guitar to heal lepers.

You should see if Nevin can write a song to restore your vision

Oh hey!  Another contestant we haven’t met yet.  Melissa appears to be our resident hippie and immediately starts talking about getting inspiration from the ocean and the earth **coughcoughganjacough**   She totally messes her song up, which is a shame because the three seconds she got through sounded potentially promising.

Marijuana affects the memory  **The More You Know**

Quirky girl does some powerful something or other on the piano that I kinda like, but I have a definite soft spot for chicks that play piano.  Love love love piano based rock/pop stuff.    Anyway, like her.

Now stop trying to be quirky

Some dude named Brian who I have no recollection of seeing before plays something that sucks on an unnecessarily tiny piano.  Kara looks like she wants to hump him though, so he’s probably top four.

It’s just that I have these tiny hands…

Southern Girl is doing a chord pattern I like on the guitar, but her lyrics and melody are rough at best.  Kara actually calls her out, and she’s the first contestant we see get any feedback.   Nevin, sucks, which makes me happy cause I hate when people who are that unlikable are actually talented on reality shows.  Sadly, he’s flashing his baby blues (see creepily staring) at Kara the whole time he blands up the stage with his mediocrity, so he’s probably getting a free pass as well.  Jewel and Kara BOTH call him out for playing a direct rip-off of Candle in the Wind and he looks flabberghasted.  HA!  I so enjoy watching you fail!

Could I maybe give you a backrub while we talk about healing the planet?

Finally!  It’s time to watch what Nick came up with while taking a nap.  He’s… I don’t know.  I don’t like the style of music he plays, so it becomes a little harder for me to judge.  His voice is awful, but he might have some actual writing talent hiding under that collection of douchey hats.

I’m two molestation charges away from being the next king of pop

Judging time!  The top four hookers are:  In fourth place it’s Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd.  I liked her song, so I’m good with that.  Third place goes to Scotty, who I found bland, but not bad.  Second place goes to badly dressed Nick, who I agree can put a song together, but who annoys me.  First place goes to Sonyae, which I think is a bit of a cop-out since she only wrote a melody and didn’t even add in instrumentation of any sort.  Meh.

I choose to reward mediocrity whilst undressing the male contestants with my mind

Time for the contestants to get moved in and marvel over how awesome their new apartment is.  Whee!  boring, let’s move on.

Hey buddy!  Do you like peanut butter?

Next day they all meet at the studio and turn into kids in a candy store over all the kick-ass music equipment there for their enjoyment.  I understand, because I get that like in art stores.  We finally get to hear from Brian, the one Kara was eye-fucking during the hooker challenge.  He’s obsessed with Elvis. He was conceived the same week Elvis died and is under the delusion that he looks like Elvis (he doesn’t).

Maybe if Elvis had dysentery… And a lot of Axe body spray… And a different genetic code…

Jewel pops in to deliver the news that this week and every week they’ll be writing their songs in teams.  The winners of the hooking challenge are team captains, and the captain’s hook is to be turned into a full song as a collaboration.  The teams are:

Sonyae: Blessing, Amber (who really didn’t want to be on her team)

Nick: Jes, southern girl (who didn’t want to be on his team)

Scotty: Brian, Nevin

Jackie: Geek Johnny, Melissa

Picked last… It’s gym class all over again.

They have till the end of the day to finish their songs, and this is where the egos come out full force.  Team Sonyae gets to work.  Amber comes straight out and says that this song is NOT her style and she likes it and is happy to write instrumentation, but Sonyae should be the one that sings it.  Blessing agrees, and this first team seems to off to a smoother than anticipated start.

Week One: no one hates each other, everyone’s giving input… Join us for week six when switchblades are brought into the writing rooms.

Over on Team Jackie, Melissa is not being a team player, but Jackie and Geek Johnny are working well together.  Melissa seems to be wandering off in her own little ADHD hippie world, until she sits down and busts out something totally relevant and possibly good.  Jackie calls her Rain Man, and I think that might be her new nickname.  It’s fitting.

No, I do not want to go ride bikes.  I don’t know if Superman could beat up Spiderman. Stop wearing your guitar as a hat…

Over on Team Nick I’m appreciating the dude’s ability to craft a song, but I still hate him.

Team Scotty is doing okay.  Brian and Scotty are really getting along, but Nevin is getting shot down left and right.  once again, Ha!!!  Hate you, guy that plays guitar at parties so girls will think he’s sensitive.  Scotty calls him cliche and keeps picking apart his bad lyrical contributions.  Someone please make him cry.  Please????

But my crappy predictable lyrics can raise the dead and make it rain down fish and loaves

Team Sonyae is struggling with all the different styles of the teammates.  Sonyae can’t play an instrument, and Blessing isn’t playing the way she wants him to.  Well shut the fuck up and learn to play something then, bitch!  Sorry, but I’m from a family of musicians.  Good ones, though not famous ones.  The general rule in the industry is that if you can sing then you’re a singer, but unless you can also play an instrument you’re not a musician.

I refuse to take you seriously until you devote a half hour a week to learning the four chords you need to know on guitar to play a fucking song

Team Nick is flowing really well.  According to Southern Girl, Nick is surprisingly respectful and easy to work with.  I’m happy to hear this, because I really like both of his teammates right now.  You know how some people can drink and drink and drink and no one knows they have a problem because they’re “Functional alcoholics”?  I’m considering Nick to be a “Functional Asshat.”

Time’s up, everyone wraps up their session, and we flash to the next day.  I guess it’s time to present their songs, which hopefully Bravo actually lets us hear.   We meet another judge, some dude who works in the industry for a record label or something.  And the special guest judge, Jermaine Dupree.  I’ve heard of him, but I don’t give a rat’s ass about him.  He writes for Mariah Carey.  Bleh.

Has been, Wanna-be, Napster hater, and Mariah Carey enabler

The judges make it clear that they’ll be judged on their song and not their singing/playing abilitiy, but to bring it anyway.

Team Nick is up first.  They’re song is well put-together, but there’s something I don’t like about it.  I think it instantly makes me think “Theme Song to a Night-Time Drama Series That Takes Place in L.A.”  But it’s totally respectable, if not a bit vanilla for my taste.

Team OC Theme Song scores a 6 outta 10 for me

Team Jackie is next.  They do a swanky little number that’s sort of mainstream coffee-house, but I actually really like it.  I’m curious as to why RainWoman was on stage sitting with a guitar on her lap and never actually playing it the whole time though.

Team Starbucks Free Download of the Week gets an 8, but I’m grading on a curve here

Team Scotty is next.  They’ve included Nevin’s controversial lyric, “They want you to lose, they need you to fail.”   Nevin thinks it’s lyrical genius. They’re all right, but very very forgettable.

Team Song I Just Forgot Already gets a 4

Team Sonyae is last, and Sonyae is going up solo with a backing track that they recorded during their session.  The song is flawed.  Maybe it’s because I watched the whole team struggle to mesh their styles, but I don’t feel like the music goes with the singing at all.  That being said, the song itself is okay and Sonyae can definitely rock it.  I just don’t think that was much of a team effort, and the guitar track was so incompatible with the vocals that it almost sounded like she was trying to sing over some asshole playing a completely different song nearby.

Team We Hate This Song Let’s Not Even Get on Stage gets a 2

Okay, post performance/pre-judging and everyone is talking about their songs.  No one thinks that Team Sonyae did very well, and Sonyae shows her diva by blaming her teammates for not being able to play the way she wanted them to.  Once again, Learn to play an instrument you diva bitch!

And with that, it’s judging time.  Jewel announces that there’s a winning team and a losing team.  Team Nick gets called forward, along with Team Jackie.  These are, by far, the top two teams in my mind.  And Jewel makes me happy by agreeing.  These are the top teams.  Woot!

It looks just like Project Runway!  Even the contestants dressed for the illusion.

Kara tells Jackie that her melody was amazing and Jewel tells geek-Johnny that his guitar playing was awesome.  Team Nick gets accolades for their lyrics, which I wasn’t paying attention to.  The winner is Team Nick.  I liked Team Jackie better, but admittedly I have no idea what metaphors the judges were raving about.

Bottom team reaction face 1: I had no idea my song was terrible

Bottom Team reaction face 2: I kinda knew my song sucked and working out all the ways it’s my useless teammates faults in my head

The bottom two teams are up.  Kara tells team Scotty that the song was forgettable and boring (agreed) and tells Team Sonyae that their song was a confusing mess (also agreed).  The losing team is… Team Scotty.

Kara tells team Sonyae the hook is the only thing that saved them.  And then she does that awful Kara thing where she sings to the contestants even though no one wants to hear her sing.  Shut the fuck up, Kara.  Jermaine Dupree says that it took too long to get to the hook, and with that they’re sent back to the studio.

Jewel asks Scotty who did what on the song.  Scotty says he wrote the chorus, Elvis wrote most of the melody, and Nevin threw out suggestions that were cliche and stupid.  Record producer judge calls Scotty’s chorus vapid and boring.  Kara asks Nevin what he did, and he says he wrote that one lyric, “They want you to lose, they need you to fail.”  Jewel tells him that lyric is stupid and asks him who “they” are.  Kara tells Nevin and Elvis that they should have built off the hook, and Elvis instantly starts blame throwing that he didn’t have a very good hook to work with.  Every single member of this team is jumping up and down to point fingers at the other members.  It’s kinda funny.

Quick Nevin!  Rain down a plague of locust!

Elvis says that since their song sucked that the person who wrote the majority of it is, logically, the one who sucked the most.  Haha.  Best logic ever.  Team It Wasn’t My Fault We Sucked go back to the studio while the judges deliberate.

The team gets called back in.  Nevin gets told his lyrics suck, Brian gets called out for not doing anything to improve the song, and Scotty gets scolded for not delivering on his original hook.

Scotty is…. Safe!  That leaves Nevin and Elvis.  And the first song-writer cut is…. Nevin.

Ha!

Nevin announces he’s leaving and everyone hugs him because he hasn’t known them long enough for everyone to hate him.  He does tell us that the world could have benefitted from hearing his songs if he’d been given a chance.  Cause his crap ass lyrics cure cancer or something.  God he sucks.

I’ll miss having someone to watch Gossip Girl with me

Okay kids, what did you think?  Who do you like?  Who do you hate?  Is anyone sad to see Nevin go?

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