Platinum Hit: Awkward Dork Love

Hey hey Gasmii!  Are you ready for some platinum hit making?  No?  That’s okay, because no one on this show is ever going to make one.  That being said, I just discovered this channel on Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/powerfoxandponymane

Go there.  Seriously.  And then try like hell not to root for Jackie from Lawng Eyeland and the Quirky Girl.  I’m in love with these women and want them to accompany me to parties.  I will remain objective when it comes to their song-writing abilities, and continue to mock any dumb shit they do on TV, but I have to admit that I think they’re incredibly awesome.  Good thing they made up two of my top three anyway.  Can you imagine if Nick and Sonyae had some awesome Youtube channel and I had to deal with the fact that they were awesome?  That would suck.

Okay, on with the show.  Jackie from Lawng Eyeland shows us how awesome her hair looks when she first wakes up.

Still way better than mine looks

Over in the boys’ house, Geek Johnny tells us that his two roommates were Nevin and Blessing, and now he’s all alone in the apartment room of doom.  Is this a bad thing?  You can finally jerk-off in peace!  Just don’t get sent home like your roommates cause I still love you.

Yeah yeah, it’s very sad being able to rub one out without trying not to wake your roomie

Over in the hooking room, the writers have all gathered to get their hook challenge.  Oh hey, and Bionic Jewel is being joined by Kara Degenerate for this one, so we get double the Kara in this episode.

Two times the cuntiness.

This week the hook has to be about taking a road-trip, and each contestant has to pick a postcard with a word on it.  The word on their postcard has to be incorporated into their hook, so I’m praying for words like “Defenestration” or “Jelly-donut” or “Sodomy” or “Aluminum Siding” but oh no.  Bravo can’t challenge these guys too much or they’ll all break down in tears and no one will write a song, so here’s the break-down of writers and their lame-ass words.

Don’t get too excited, viewers.  Jazz Girl hasn’t turned her card around yet.

Geek Johnny: Escape
Jazz Girl: View
Quirky Girl: Free
Southern Chick: Away
Rainwoman: Change
Sonyae: Explore
Kanye 2.0: Wheels
Elvis: Direction
Scotty: Pack
Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd: Road

Kanye 2.0 is in typical asshat mode, and begins by saying that he doesn’t work at Goodyear and doesn’t give a crap about wheels.  Then he mocks Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd about her tendency to monologue about everything.

Yeah Nick, isn’t it annoying when people keep talking even though you don’t want them to?

While correct in his prediction (Jackie talks about how roads make her feel, as opposed to just saying the damn word and moving on), I find it amusing that the person openly mocking her via hand gestures during her speech is the dude that never shuts up.

Next I’ll make fun of Jackie’s outfits

Kara calls him out on it, and Jewel says that if Kanye 2.0 were in a songwriter session with her that she would kick him out.  Hey guys, what do you suppose a normal human being who didn’t think the sun shined out of his asshole would do when a judge told him they wouldn’t work with him?  I’ll tell you what they wouldn’t do, and that’s say, “I am in a song writing session with you” and roll their eyes.  That sort of shit is for the Kanye’s of the world, and god help us now that Kanye is a plural.

The face of a man who cares about and respects his judges

Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd says Kanye is talented, but he won’t make it far because no one will want to work with him.  I disagree, Miss Jackie.  No one wants to talk to him, see him, or invite him over for coffee, but no one seems to have a problem working with him.

Anyway, now that everyone’s done bickering, they have 30 minutes to write their hooks.  Okay, Go!!!

Dear Diary, today I got yelled at by a bionic Alaskan

Elvis talks about wanting to take his hands off the steering wheel and put them around a woman, so he’s doing a modern take on “Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car”?  Quirky girl didn’t have many friends in high school, and want to be free.  Southern girl is once again singing too loud for Kanye, but this week he’s decided she’s actually talented.

Johnny didn’t work out.  Will you be my Beyonce?

Jazz Girl hates to drive, so she’s struggling.  Scotty decides to step completely out of his comfort zone and write a Honkey Tonk song, which does not sound like a good idea to me.

Bravo drops Scotty a subtle hint

Time’s up!  Jess is up first, and for the first time I don’t like her voice.  I think this song is a little to high to be in her good range.  Jewel likes the choice of melody though, so things are looking good for Quirky.  Geek Johnny says she’s really pretty, and I suspect there’s a bit of a Geek on Quirky crush happening right now.  Quirky Girl, I’m on the fence about you.  You consistently produce hooks that I enjoy, you play the piano, and you’re totally not annoying.  On the other hand, you describe yourself as quirky, and we know how I feel about that.  I promise you, if you hook up with my little Geek I will lean much much farther towards liking you.

And then we can talk about the missing ‘S’

Up next is Rainwoman. She does a sort of Stevie Nicks-ish song that I think is really good.  Kara seems to agree with me, and I hate when I agree with Kara.

Jazz Girl hops up acapella and while I’m not blown away or anything, she’s got a really nice voice and her hook is solid.

And she exudes confidence, yeah?  Oh no wait, that’s terror.

Southern Girl does something decent that even Kanye dances to.

I didn’t say he danced well

Scotty does his “Honkey Tonk” song which is not the least bit country.  It’s not bad at all, but it’s not honkey tonk by any stretch of the imagination.

Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd is clearly back in her comfort zone, but Kanye says she sounds like Cookie Monster and he hates her voice.  Funny coming from a dude with such an annoying voice.  Guys, I think maybe Kanye is projecting.  Let’s see if he points out any of the other weaknesses in Jackie that he himself has.  Anyway, Jackie’s song is nice.  I like it.

While Southern Chick gets to be Beyonce, Jackie is left to fill the role of Taylor Swift

Sonyae still can’t play an instrument, so unless she does something really interesting I refuse to acknowledge her as a song-writer.

Kanye is up next, and fills everyone in on how he toured 37 states on the Warped Tour.  Yeah buddy, but it’s not so much touring if your job involves catching teenage girls who crowd surf too close to the stage.  His hook is decent, but it sounds an awful lot like his hook from week one.  Geek Johnny does a spot-on impression of Kanye singing, and my deep deep lesbian crush on him just continues to grow.

I wish this picture had sound

Geek Johnny is still channeling John Mayer, who I hate, but he’s thrown in a touch of Jason Mraz, who I love, so it’s much much better this week.

Elvis does something pretty meh.  I could totally picture hearing it on the radio, but I could also picture myself changing the station.  Way too complaint rock for my liking.  Think Staind at their whiniest.

Judging time.  The third place winner is: Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd.  God I hope Kanye wins nothing this week so we can watch him have another meltdown.  Anyway, second place goes to:  Quirky Girl.  Yeah, it figures the first week I don’t pick her for top three is the week the judges finally like her.  Kara says that the first place winner killed it and blew everyone else away.  The egos all smile and nod expectantly, because everyone here thinks they’re much much better than everyone else.  The person that’s right is:  Geek Johnny!  Yes!!!!  I love you, you adorable little nerd.  Sadly, I’m looking at my three favorite contestants as captains of different teams, but whatever.  I hope Kanye winds up on Jackies team.

Someone start throwing dodgeballs, please?

The teams will be going on a road-trip to write their song, and Bionic Jewel tells Geek Johnny that he gets an extra bonus for winning, and he can choose his entire team right now.  No taking turns.  Jackie is not happy, but Johnny is stoked.  He jokes like he’s gonna pick Kanye, but then says no way, sorry.  He takes Elvis and Scotty.

Even Elvis has a crush on Johnny

Quirky and Jackie get the remaining contestants to divy up schoolyard style.  Quirky girl picks Jazz girl.  Jackie picks Country Chick.  Quirky picks Rainwoman.  Jackie is torn because she says she likes Kanye, but Kanye don’t like her, so she picks Sonyae.  Quirky gets the option of choosing Kanye or sticking with a team of three, and she chooses to stick with three.  Oh, sick burn Kanye!  You not only got picked last, but you got opted out of.  And my dreams come true as he winds up on Team Jackie, which should make for some interesting television.

Yeah, I think my team is okay without a volatile douche-bag, but we’ll call you if we change our minds

Kanye points out that he’s won every week, which is true, but he fails to mention that he’s an unbearable douche-nozzle.  No one wants to go on a roadtrip with a guy like that.

Are we there yet?  I hate this car.  Southern Chick is touching me!

Over in the van to somewhere (it’s a road-trip, remember) Team Jackie is working pretty well together despite the presence of his royal douchiness.  Team Geek Johnny is doing pretty well too, and since all three of these guys are mellow and respectful I highly doubt anything not boring is going to happen in their road-trip van.

Stop getting along!  You’re killin’ my cappage.

Team Quirky is doing a lot of talking about themselves.  Not a lot of songwriting though.  Quirky Girl used to sing back-up for Enrique Inglesias (or however the fuck you spell his last name) but wants to be front and center.

For the record: Letting Jesus take the wheel is not recommended. ChurchCo takes no responsibility for highway pile-ups that occur from turning one’s life (and van) over to Jesus.

All the teams pull up to a ramshackle hotel, and will be writing their songs in their scuzzy jizz-stained rooms.  Good times.  Team Quirky is moving along nicely, although Rainwoman is writing lyrics that are too ethereal (see, stoner-ish) for Quirky’s taste.  Rainwoman tells us she went to Stanford.  Really?  Wow. Marijuana is a hell of a drug.

I was a rocket scientist before that damn devil weed

Over on Team Geek Johnny, the boys are kickin it on a bitchin modern bed-spread and writing what sounds like a nice melody together.

**poke poke poke**  Do something interesting, dammit!

Team Jackie is rocking out to Kanye’s guitar playing, and Jackie expresses the same sentiment we’ve heard over and over:  Kanye is a horrible human being, but he’s fine to write with.  Southern Chick steps outside to brainstorm away from the group and comes in with some new lyrics.  Sonyae doesn’t like any of her suggestions, and throws out her own contribution, which is good enough to make Jackie come make out with her.

Oh hells yeah!  It’s about time.  *chika bow wow*

It’s bed-time, and since these rooms all have only one bed, there’s some debating over who will sleep on the floor.  Team Jackie easily kicks their only member with a Y chromosome onto the floor, so no issue there.  Team Geek Johnny plays Rock/Paper/Scissors, which sends Elvis to floor-ville.  I think all the ladies from Team Quirky sleep together, but I’m not sure.  Why am I recapping this boring ass drivel?  I don’t know.  Bravo thought it was important, so I’m typing it out.  Beds!  There aren’t enough of them!  Film at eleven!

Stay tuned for our up to the minute coverage of who snores…

The next morning everyone drives back to the studio and has one hour to perfect their songs.  Out of all the tiny clips of songs we get to hear, I like Team Jackie the best by a lot.  We’ll see what happens once we get to hear the whole songs.

My precious little geek is stressing about the lyrics to his song, but not to worry because Quirky goes over to his conveniently empty apartment and shares a few cocktails with him.  Oh noes!  I’m feeling the tingle of awkward dork love in the air.

You know they’re discussing the finer points of running Linux on a PC

Awkward dork love is my favorite kind of love!  Quirky tells Geek Johnny that she really didn’t want to write with him on the challenge.  Geek Johnny asks why, and Quirky awkwardly stumbles her way to the confession that she finds it hard to concentrate around Geek Johnny.  Geek Johnny makes a half-move, and they wind up holding hands.

You can almost see the sweaty palms from here

They share an extended hug, and then Quirky goes back to her room.

Pretty happy you’ve got that bedroom to yourself right now, huh buddy?

It’s the next day and everyone is getting ready.  Some of the guys pray, like god gives a shit who wins a second-rate reality show.

Thank you for calling God. Your prayer is very important to us. Please remain on the line and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received.

Everyone makes it to the judging room and this week’s guest judge is….. Natasha Beddingfield.  ***sad trumpet sound**

Waaaaa Waaaaa Waaaaaa

Holy fucking hell, do I hate the living hell out of Natasha Bedingfield.  No really.  I’ve never respected a person’s songwriting abilities LESS.   Here’s an example of some of the gems this lyrical genius has bestowed upon us:

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

and let’s not forget:

I got a pocket,
got a pocket full of sunshine
I’ve got a love and I know that it’s all mine
oh.oh,oh
Do what you want,
but you’re never gonna break me,
sticks and stones are never gonna shake me
oh,oh,oh

I can’t listen to this woman criticize the lyrical abilities of others.  She’s terrible!!!  And then we throw in Jewel and Kara, who are both lyrical idiots, and we have a judging panel full of suck.  At least Jewel has written some totally respectable melodies, but her lyrics are crap.

I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Jazz Girl is stoked on the guest judge, so yay for her.  Time for performances.  Team Jackie is first, and Kanye is rambling on about how they’re gonna win cause his team always wins.  Shut-up Kanye!!!

Their song is neat.  Kinda sultry and gritty, and the harmonies are nice.  I don’t hear anything lyrically that jumps out at me as especially good or bad.

Side note:  Microphones look entirely too much like penises

Team Quirky is next.  Quirky Girl has written a really beautiful piano line for the song, so I love that.  Like I said previously, I’m a sucker for chicks with pianos.  Her voice sounds much better here than it did in the hook challenge, and the song is decent.  It’s not a platinum hit, but it’s a solid album track.  Not one that would get released as a single or anything, but super pretty.

Whatever you do, don’t forget your quirky hat

Team Geek Johnny is up last.  Johnny has lost some of the John Mayer and found more of the Jason Mraz, which is a good thing.  It’s very Coffee House modern adult rock sounding, so I’m not crazy about it just because it’s a bit on the dull side, but Johnny sings the hell out of it and remains absolutely adorable.  Kanye says it’s filler material and not a hit song at all, but no one asked Kanye so I’d appreciate it if he would kindly shut the fuck up.

I came straight out of the shower to sing this song to you

It’s a tough call for favorite this week, Gasmii.  So far as writing a “Platinum Hit” goes I think Team Jackie won by a landslide.  I liked Quirky’s song better, but I don’t think it’s gonna win.  Definitely not a hit.  Geek Johnny had my least favorite song, but it’s hard to judge soft-rock adult contemporary because I just don’t like the stuff.  I do love the geek though, so I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t really care who wins.

Also, why is Elvis wearing a chain-maille shirt?

Okay, back in the studio and it’s time to send someone packin!  Bionic Jewel calls team Geek Johhny up, along with Team Jackie.  Aww… Of COURSE my favorite song is the loser.  Anyway, the winning song is Team Geek Johnny, and I’m happy for them.  They get accolades for their lyrics, which seems to be the main focus here.

Before Team Jackie gets told they’re safe, Bionic Jewel calls up Team Quirky.  HUH?  So confused.   Jewel treats both teams like the bottom two, and then pulls a total head trip and tells Team Jackie that they’re the LOSING team.  Very tricky, Bravo.  I know dick about writing hit songs, clearly.

Your quirky hat must have saved the day

Kara tells Team Quirky that the song was beautiful and the lyrics were universal.  I would disagree with this statement, as the lyrics were in English, making them ethnocentric to English speakers, and no song can be universal until they launch it into space.

Natasha says she felt like crying because the lyrics were so beautiful, and she could hear herself singing it.  Random white dude didn’t think the hook was good enough, but he liked the vocal arrangements.  The team heads back and Team Geek Johnny rejoices in their safety.

Do you guys think that Johnny might be happy they’re safe?

Back under the hot lights of the losers’ stage, the judges want to know who wrote the lyric, “I was put here for a reason and I want the world to see it.”  It was Southern Chick.  Kara says it was bland, and Natasha agrees.  Jewel asks Jackie how she feels about Southern Chick’s lyrics, and Jackie is just ruthless!  She says Southern chick wrote like fifteen pages of lyrics and only a couple lines were even usable.  Ouch, Jackie!  I know you’re from Lawng Eyeluhnd and I’m aware this is a competition, but you’re gonna make that poor girl cry.

WWJD?  Probably not bust into tears, so hold it together.

Kara asks who wrote the instrumental motif.  Kanye takes responsibilty, and Kara has him play it again.  She says the motif was brilliant, and it should have kept going through the song.  Kara says the first line was atrocious.  The line in question is, “I don’t believe in losing sleep wishing that I woulda.”  That was Jackie’s, and Kara asks her what it even means.  I’m not saying the lyric is like, good or anything, but let’s look at who is ripping it apart.

Kara was responsible for these lyrics:
“Ha, Ha, Ha,
Ha, Ha, Ha,
Whatcha been doin’? Whatcha been doin?
Whoa, Whoa,
Haven’t seen ya ’round”

That’s the OPENING LINES from some crap she vomited up for Ashlee Simpson.  How is this better than “I don’t believe in losing sleep wishing that I woulda.”?

I’m a lyrical genius!  I write songs for Hannah Montana!

Old white guy says the bridge kicks ass, and they like the lyrics Sonyae contributed.  So it’s safe to say that neither Sonyae or Kanye are going home.  Backstage while the judges deliberate, Jackie cries and curses a lot.  She’s probably done the same math I did, although I’m fairly certain it’ll be Southern Chick going home, since she keeps getting blasted for her lyrics.  Oh!  And who wants to put money down on whether Quirky Girl will continue her perfect streak as Hug Ambassador for eliminated contestants?

WWJD?  Jesus would totally hug the crying bitch that just called him retarded.

Time to announce the eliminated contestant!  Kanye is… Safe!  (duh)  Sonyae is… Safe!  (also duh)

Okay kids, it’s battle of the trite and meaningless lyrical contributions.  Since Jackie wrote the hook they really liked, I think she’s in.  Jackie cries some more, Jewel checks in with her and tells her they liked the hook, but she had a responsibility to make it into a good song.  Jackie is…. Safe!  So Southern Chick is going home.  And the first one out to hug her is… Oh!  Elvis hops in on the action, and it’s an Elvis/Quirky double-hug!  That still counts though.

No one goes home without a quirky hug

Kanye steps in and gives her a real hug and fucking cries.  Like, has feelings besides annoyance and entitlement, which is weird and makes me uncomfortable.  He tells her  not to let anyone stop her.  So so strange.  Didn’t he totally hate her last week?

Yeah, I cry irrationally when I’m on my period too

Oh well…  Next week they have to rap, and it looks like Geek Johnny gets some Quirky ass.  Also, Sonyae and Kanye scream at each other, and Kanye calls himself a douchebag.  So yeah, tune in for that, kids.

Sneak Peek!  Woohoo!

Did anyone else think that Team Jackie was gonna take it?  Does anyone else wanna throw stuff when a panel of borderline illiterates who write lyrics that sound like they were penned in red crayon actually go through and rip apart lyrics not nearly as bad as theirs?  Was anyone bothered by that run-on sentence just now?   Tell me what you think of the show, who you’re rooting for, if you want Johnny to get some, and what you’re wearing if you’re feeling adventurous.

Till next week, Stay classy, kids!