Platinum Hit: Bringing Sexy Back

Hey hey, Gasmii.  It seems like only an hour ago I was sitting here recapping the season finale of Sister Wives.  Probably because it actually was only an hour ago… Fucking network executives never think about the recappers when they plan their broadcast seasons.  Anyway, same caveats as on the polyg cappage.  I only have tonight free to get these done, and there’s two hours of rubbish to wade through, and I work in seven hours, so my apologies for inaccuracies, typos, spelling errors, etc.  I’m running on Rockstar and willpower here.  And that eighth of crystal meth I scored off that nice boy in front of the Chevron.  He’s saving up to buy his sister braces and pay for an operation for his sick puppy.

Yeah, I can’t find an image to go along with that, so here’s some eyecandy for the gasmii that like women.

Last week on Platinum Hit, Nevin got sent home despite his assertion that his music could make the lame walk again and give sight to the blind.  So so glad he’s gone, but I miss taking cheap shots at him all ready.  Who oh who will rise to be a big enough douche to fill the void left by nevin?

Yeah, I kinda thought so…

All right.  Let’s see what all these assholes without a messiah complex are up to.  Ahhh, Bravo, I never get sick of the fast-motion establishing shots of the city, and you do not disappoint.  People getting ready, blah blah blah.  The contestants get in a car that we don’t see close-up shots showing us the make of, so I guess Platinum Hit couldn’t score that Mitsubishi sponsorship deal.  Tough luck, guys.   Let’s hear about this weeks challenge from Bionic Jewel.

We can rebuild her. We have the technology. We can make her better… Boobier… more botoxed.

Bionic Jewel tells the contestants that their hook challenge is to make a booty shaking club hit. May I suggest not mentioning kickin’ it in the backseat?  The guest judge this week is Donna Summer, who is looking remarkably good and minimally botoxed for her age.  Either black people just straight don’t age, or they have a secret band of elite plastic surgeons that they keep hidden from whitey.

GILF!

Sonyae says something annoying and nonsensical to remind us that she’s the sassy black girl.

Zorro snap!

Jewel tells everyone that they already have a catchy background track to work with, top three are team captains, get to work!

So… Everybody does get to work… Cause that’s what Bionic Jewel told them to do, and you do NOT fuck with a bionic Alaskan.  Rainwoman actually says these words while talking about writing lyrics for the hook:  “At first I thought about a forest with like, woods inside, but then I dropped that because it sounds too much like a forest.”  She makes me smile, and also be happy that I never had much of a liking for the marijuana.  Cause wow.

Wait… What were we talking about?  Trees?

Anyway, she’s using natural disasters as her inspiration, and holy balls what is Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd wearing on her head????

No! No! Get yourself a gay boy to dress you right now!

Next to Jackie, Elvis tells us that he thinks it’s been too long since the world has had another “I’m Too Sexy.”  Pretty sure Justin Timberlake would disagree with you buddy.  He already brought sexy back, and then he beat it to death with a baseball bat and lit it lifeless corpse on fire.  Sexy has been broughten back.  Your song is destined to suck.   Oh, but his will be different cause it’ll have a low vocal in the chorus.  Revolutionary stuff coming out of this one.

What rhymes with, “Don’t I look like Elvis?”

Functional Ass-hat Nick says that Southern Girl is screaming really loud right next to him and he can barely hear his own track. He says, “The only club she’s ever been in is a country club” and I don’t know if he’s under the impression that her family is rich, or that he thinks country clubs are bars where people line dance, or if he’s trying to be clever.  Whatever the case, he remains an unrepentant asshat.

Could you keep it down? I’m trying to alienate myself from every single person in this house.

Scotty has something to prove after his dismal finish last week, and tells us he’s had seven top tens over in Europe in the past year.  What in the clear blue fuck is he doing on this show then?

I just want to have groupies on this continent, man.

Hey, time’s up. Let’s see these hookers in action.  Jewel reminds them all again that they’re judged on their song-writing only, and not how well they perform, and then calls up Southern Girl.  She’s never done dance music before, which I’m sure comes as a shock to all of you.  Her hook isn’t terrible.  She says she was inspired by Miss Donna herself, and it shows.  It’s very disco-revival.

Jesus loves a crazy beat (beat beat), if they weren’t nailed to a cross he’d tap his feet (feet feet)

Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd is up next, and still wearing that thing on her head.  I really liked her last week, but her hook is kinda crappy. Something about thinking she was unsinkable but then you came along and sunk her battleship.  Really?  Donna loves it though and says it gave her goosebumps.  Meh… I hate most club hits so what do I know?

All the verses of my song consist of, “A-22, D-15, F-9…”

Blessing is the next one up to the mic. He’s mediocre.  Not actually bad, but not actually good either.  Flat?  Not like off key, but the other kind of flat.

The boring kind of flat

Functional Ass-hat Nick makes some super ass-hat comment about how this isn’t a competition for who the best blind guy with a dog is.  Really, Nick?  We’re going there?  Fix your hat, douche!

And by fix I mean burn

Functional Ass-hat Nick is wearing an outfit that has officially given me retinal burns.  He wrote a song called “Moonwalk” that I don’t like at all.  I’ve figured out why I don’t like his singing though. He pants into the microphone like he just got finished running a marathon.  Like, each syllable gets a breath.  Prince managed to pull that off, but you just sound stupid.

But when he’s not singing he’s a super good sportsman

Amber, the girl that likes jazz, does okay.  Skotty brings it, and I could actually picture hearing his song in a club.

And he so has the best singing face

Sonyae should excel in this challenge, since the fact that she DOESN’T PLAY A FUCKING INSTRUMENT isn’t a factor, but since Bravo has leapt into montage mode I don’t hear enough of her song to form a solid opinion.  Rainwoman is last of the montaged contestants, and her song is totally decent I think.  Definitely better than I was expecting after her “Forests are too much like forests” comment.

New drum circles have sprouted up here, heye, and heye. They’re increasing at a rate of two hippies per hour…

Oh hey, we’ve jumped right back into montage mode, and I’m seriously annoyed that Bravo won’t devote the time to let us hear the entirety of everyone’s twenty second hooks.  That’s just ridiculous.  Computer Dork, whom I adore, is clearly out of his element.  Think John Mayer being produced by Timbaland.  It’s not actually bad, but it sounds… off.  Quirky girl rocks it, and I’m pulling for her at the moment, although I think Skotty edged her out so far as club hits go.  Elvis does some sort of weird Right Said Fred impression that makes me uncomfortable, but that had a totally decent melody and rhythm to it.  They just shouldn’t let him sing. Ever.

See how creepy he looks?  He sounds much much creepier.

It’s judging time, and the top three are:  Number three:  Scotty.  Jewel warns him to try and pick his cowriters better.  Haha. Burn, Elvis!  Second place goes to Southern Girl.  Nice!  Take that, Functional Asshat Nick!  Donna says the winning hook stood out from the rest and is original and oh fuck, it’s Nick isn’t it?  Bahahahah!  It’s Elvis.  I mean, his song was really stupid and I didn’t like it, but I love watching Nick get knocked down a few pegs.  Let’s see how he takes the news:

Sinus pressure…

Followed by complete shock

Since Nick is a petulant child, he does little to hide his distaste for the judges’ decisions.  Bionic Jewel calls him out on looking shocked and he says he is because he should be in the top three. Bionic Jewel activates bitch mode and asks Nick if he thinks he knows everything already and tells him not to take things so personally or he’s never gonna learn or grow.

I don’t need to grow because I’m amazing

Nick, proving that if anything he’s the next Kanye West (not the next Michael Jackson like he’s aiming for) he says, “My boy Johnny got dissed and I don’t even like Johnny. That’s how you know I don’t give a shit about anything but the music.”

Yo, Imma let you talk…

Jewel agrees that Johnny did a great job, and poor little sweet adorable computer nerd Johnny looks super uncomfortable and like he might be missing his cubicle right about now.  America is barely tolerating Kanye as it is, okay?  We do not need Kanye 2.0.

I’m hacking your accounts tonight while you sleep

Computer Dork tells the confessional that while he did feel his song deserved to be in the top three, since he wasn’t a complete asshat he didn’t feel any need to throw a fit and need to be put in time out.  Amen, Johnny.  I like you.

You… Not so much

Jewel informs the contestants that they’ll be premiering all their completed songs on a dancefloor in an L.A. club, where they’ll be judged by clubgoers.  I don’t know if she means that club-ho’s will actually have a say in what wins, or if she just means the club-ho’s will be judging them in the sense that they judge all of us for not having this season’s Louis Vitton handbag or surgically altered boobies.

I hate my dad! Yay!  Self-respect is for ugly girls!

Time to pick teams!  Let’s go the rounds here, shall we?  Elvis picks Quirky Girl (I would have too… Her hook was by far the best).  He says she has an authentic energy, while Functional Asshat Nick hides under his hat/hood combo and makes me consider removing the “Functional” from his moniker.

Really?

Southern girl picks next and she takes Blessing, with the reasoning that she grew up listening to The Supremes and she wants to bring that sort of sound.  I don’t know if choosing Blessing was brilliant or retarded.  On one hand, she chose him because his style matches what she wants to do, which is smart.  On the other hand, he’s yet to do anything that even started to teeter above total mediocrity, so… Yeah.

Hooray for mediocrity!

Scotty is next, and he chooses Asshat Nick, saying, “Even though he’s the biggest asshole I’ve met in the last ten years, he’s a winner and he is talented.”  I agree completely, Scotty.

But you are a braver man than I

At least Nick is super happy you picked him

Elvis chooses Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd, which means he has my favorite from last week and my favorite from this week, so I’m gonna be forced to root for his crappy song.  Maybe they can make it better?

Southern Girl takes Amber, the Jazz girl.  Okay, see what she’s doing here?  She’s not picking the best songwriters or the ones she gets along with.  She’s choosing the people who wrote hooks like hers and who will naturally want to write in a similar style to her own.  This is either genius, or a disaster in the making.  Guess we won’t find out till we hit the dance floor.

This week I look like Alyssa Milano…

Pan to Rainwoman looking terrified of being picked last again.  Aww… Sad face.

Hit that bong extra hard before teams are picked next week, hon

It’s Scotty’s turn again, and Asshat Nick whispers to him that he really doesn’t want to work with Sonyae because he thinks she’s a bitch.  Scotty straight up says, “Nick and Sonyae hate each other, so…”

I am the bitchy diva on this team. Me!  Plus we’re both on our periods…

Sonyae looks shocked and asks Nick if he really hates her while laughing.  It’s not a real laugh though.  It’s THAT laugh.  You know that laugh.  When you make a joke about your girlfriend putting on a few pounds?  Or when a nerdy kid makes a funny comment about the super-popular bitchy chick and the rest of the class laughs so she laughs too?  It’s an evil, passive aggressive laugh and it chills me down to my core.  That being said, I hate the both of them, so I don’t give a shit.

Oh my gosh, that’s so funny.  Just like that time your dad got arrested for getting drunk and punching your mom in the face. Haha. We’re having fun.

Scotty points out that Nick already said he hates Johnny, so Rainwoman is his obvious choice.  Nick says he doesn’t like anybody there, and could someone please give him some Goldfish crackers and then send him off to naptime?  Seriously… This is how five-year-olds behave when they’re not chosen to be team captains for the kickball teams at recess.  He’s even got the staring down hands in his pockets thing going on.

Keep that bitch the fuck outta my sandbox

Anyway, back to Elvis.  Jewel tells him since he came in first he gets to decide if he wants to pick a fourth member for his team, or stick with the team of three he has now.  Okay, I really do like Johnny a lot, but Elvis has a pretty kick-ass team already.  I think I’d stick to the three if I were him. Plus it would probably lead to Nick getting stuck working with Sonyae.  He says he kinda wanted to pick Sonyae, but the fact that she doesn’t play an instrument really bothers him.  Hey, for once we agree on something, dude that looks nothing like Elvis.  Nick says “Fuck!” really loud, coming to the same conclusion I did.  Geeze dude.  Until you’ve written a hit as major as “Gold-digger” you can’t act like Kanye.

I know I keep posting pics of Nick, but his tantrum faces are just so awesome

Sonyae says her mom was a dance singer, and makes some comment about her boobs.  Southern girl chooses my boy Johnny, which leaves poor Scotty with an ADHD savant, a complete prick, and a diva bitch.  If he pulls this one off they should award him some sort of conflict resolution medal or something.

Could I get a stun gun or some horse tranquilizers or something?

Jewel tells Elvis that since he placed first he gets to keep the track they all wrote to, but the other two teams will have to adapt their hooks to new tracks.  Oh good.  I mean, sorry other teams, but I did NOT want to listen to the same track three times in a row.

Time starts ticking down, and the writers get to work.  Sonyae and Asshat Nick are bickering, but Nick says that they all need to put their differences aside to write a song, so while they’re in that room he doesn’t hate anyone.  He’s trying to regain the “Functional” but I think his temper tantrum from before has garnered enough animosity to make that a really massive challenge.  Also, his outfit.  WTF?

Psst! I snuck in some of my special brownies… Do you think it would help?

Team Elvis is working on a naughty, freaky song.  They’re all getting along, but mostly they’re working with Elvis’ hook and trying to build a song around it.  Which is what everyone’s SUPPOSED to be doing.  Let’s hope that works out.

Could we add something quirky? Cause I’m totally quirky.

Team Southern Chick is brainstorming about her topic, which is female empowerment.  Southern says she wants to write about really liking someone and wanting to cook for them and rub their feet.  Jazz chick says that the lyrics are way too G rated, and  I agree. If it’s gonna be a club hit they need to go less Disney Channel Radio.   Computer Nerd Johnny suggests a line like, “Girl, you know I’m easy” and Blessing pops in that he thinks that’s a little sleazy.  Umm… Really?  You’re writing club hits, not church hymns.  Last time I was in a club everyone was dancing to the beat of, “To the front to the back lick my pussy and my crack.”  I don’t recall any songs about foot rubbing, and if there are any I’m pretty sure they’d be more in line with the sort of foot rubbing you have to meet people on Craigslist to do.

Team ‘Justin Beiber is too Hardcore for Us’ is off to a rocky start

To his credit, Blessing is very team-oriented when it comes to his lyrical objections, and says that he’s stated that he doesn’t like it, and that’s all he needs to do.  If they want to use the lyric he won’t say anything else about it.  Okay Blessing… You’re going home within the next couple weeks because you’re not a good writer, but I do like you quite a bit as a person.

Just, maybe step away from the piano and stop thinking ‘easy’ is too naughty a word for a club hit

The team is jamming out, and either Johhny and Jazz girl are doing most of the work, or the editors are making it look that way.  Southern Chick asks Blessing for his ideas, but he says this isn’t what he’s good at.  Johnny says Southern Chick is trying really hard, but her lyrics are just awful.

Hold on, I’m trying to buy you a clue on eBay

Over on team Elvis, the girls are on the couch trying to brainstorm while Elvis stands to the side screaming out his lyrical contributions.  Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd asks him if he could please write to himself a little quieter. The girls agree that for it to be a club hit there needs to be some female vocals or the song is going to be crap.  Elvis looks like someone pissed in his Cheerio’s over the idea that his revolutionary low vocal idea might not be that great, but he plays along.

The men on this show all have the conflict resolution skills of toddlers

Over on Team Scotty, Nick earns back his Functional Asshat title, as even Sonyae admits he’s not bad to work with.  They’re dancing and having fun, so way to be functional.  But you’re still an asshat.

Hell yeah, I knew everyone would feel better after a brownie

Team Southern Chick is still doubtful about the simplicity of the lyrics, but they like the song and think it’s catchy.

Rainwoman is having some doubts about the chorus, but everyone is singing so loud that no one will listen to her ideas.  Welcome to Team Diva, hon.  You clearly would have been better suited for Team Southern Chick.

Montage of all the teams recording their track, and then time is up.  We don’t get much of an idea of what their finished songs sound like, so I guess we all get to be surprised at the club.

Speaking of the club, we’re at it.  Skotty points out that everyone in it is gay.

But only this guy takes gay to this level

Bionic Jewel walks out looking like a Fem-Bot, and accompanied by a blessedly silent Kara Degandalf.  First up is team Scotty, and the DJ puts their track on.  Have I mentioned how much I hate DJs?  Cause holy fuck do I hate DJs.  If you were one of the five people actually watching Jersey Couture and reading my recaps for it then you’ve heard the whole rant, but the main points of it are this:  My iPod does what you do, and it doesn’t need an 8-ball of coke or constant stroking of its fragile little ego.  You are a mixtape with entitlement issues.  I distrust any profession outside of the Secret Service where you change your name upon beginning your career.  Oh, DJ Ladykiller Sparkle Fish?  Is that your Christian name?  Fuck DJs.  DJing is to music what scrapbooking is to art.  You contribute nothing except the stench of axe body spray and the spread of chlamydia.  Die.

Sunglasses inside a club.  Who does that????

***sigh***

Okay, what were we doing?  Oh right, listening to club hits.  Let’s see what Team Scotty put together.  His track, “Paint This Club With Amazing” is totally decent, and it would not be out of place in a club.  Gotta say, they’re actually lucky they got stuck with Sonyae, because her voice is perfect for the female track on this song. Nick does the male vocals, and while I hate his Prince style, it fits much better in a club hit than a rock ballad.

Up next is Make It Easy, from Team Southern Chick.  It’s way the fuck too slow in my opinion, and it does not make me want to dance, but the backing track was thrust upon them by the judges, so that’s not totally their fault.  It’s what you hear at the club around 2am when they want everyone to start winding down a little.

Sportsmanship:  It’s only for losers anyway.

Asshat Nick agrees with me, but he’s an even bigger dick than I am about it.  Shut up Nick.

Team Elvis is up last, and they did wind up going with the female vocals.  Their song is very very dirty, and stupid catchy.  It’s that song that your friends set as their ringtones, and then you hate every person that calls them when you’re within earshot because it’s then stuck in your head for the next week.

Dance you fools!!!

Elvis is concerned that they took the low vocal out, which is valid.  They probably should have at least kept it in addition to the female part, as opposed to just taking it out completely.   The rub there was that Elvis was the only dude in their group, and his singing is just straight terrible.  I think maybe the ladies found a really diplomatic way of telling him that his voice made god kill kittens.  That being said, all club hits suck.  Seriously.  When’s the last time you heard a club hit and thought, “Wow, what a brilliant musical composition.”  We don’t want brilliance when we’re sucking down two dollar long island ice teas and trying to work up enough of a buzz to lower our standards to the point where we can get laid.  We don’t want provocative.  We don’t want original.  We don’t wanna be friends. We… Want Your Bad Romance ***ra ra ra ra ra**

Finger monocles are SOOOO 2009

Sorry. My fingers typed that without getting my brain’s permission first.

It’s judging time, and I’m fairly certain that Team Scotty has this one in the bag.  Bionic Jewel says that they were very impressed with everyone.  Team Scotty gets called up first, and they’re the winners.  No surprise there.  Kara asks who did what, and Scotty says that the divas wrote most of the melody and Rainwoman worked on the lyrics.

I also drawed a picture of a giraffe

Sonyae and Nick confirm that they still hate each other, which is not that big of a deal if you factor in the fact that everyone hates both of them, so it’s natural that they’d also hate each other.

Team Three Divas and a Hippie!  Woot!

Team Southern Chick gets called up next.  And then Team Elvis gets called up too.  Team Southern Chick gets asked about their song first.  Kara says that the melody was good, but the song lacked excitement and personality.

What would Jesus do?  Well, probably not pursue a career in music for starters.

Quirky Girl gets asked about their song.  Donna Summer says that they missed the low hook, and it was a bad decision to change it.  Elvis blames the girls and says they ganged up on him, cause Elvis clearly enjoys pointing fingers.  Their team is safe anyway though, so it doesn’t really matter.  Jackie cries, but the judges tell them that the song was actually pretty good.

Never cry on television.  Assholes like me will take screenshots like this.

So Team Southern Girl is on the chopping block.  Record dude tells them that the lyrics are so bad that he can even critique them.  Blessing avoids taking responsibility for the lyrics being awful, and says he’s just not a club guy.

When the woman who wrote the line, “I break the yolks and make a smiley face” accuses you of overly-simplistic lyrics, it’s okay to cry.

Bionic Jewel says if he can do Big Band then he can do club.  Kara tells him to make it his wheelhouse, and I have no idea what that means.  She also keeps saying emphenic?  Emphetic?  Spell-check is squiggly red lining every attempt I make to decipher that word, so if one of you Gasmii know what she’s saying then please do enlighten me.

Oh wait, I forgot the internet existed for a second there.  Turns out what she’s saying is “Anthemic.”  Here’s the only definition I could find:  The term anthemic is not strictly a word, yet is used to describe music that has a particular presence to it.  So it’s like the new “Pitchy”

Dork Johnny goes into survival mode and starts talking about how he tried really hard and Jazz chick did a lot and contributed, but Blessing and Southern Chick hated everything they threw out there.  I think Blessing deserves to go home outta the lot, but I agree that since they’re getting chewed out for the lyrics, Southern Chick is probably to blame for not only sucking at writing them, but also shooting down every lyric that didn’t suck.  All I know is that if they send my little dork home I’m gonna be pissed.

Don’t be sad, nerd.  It makes you look like a hipster

Time to crush some dreams!  Jazz chick and Computer dork are…. SAFE!  Yes!!!  I think Jazz chick might actually have some skills if given a chance to have a voice, and I don’t care if Johnny writes the crappiest song ever.  He’s the only person I actually LIKE on this whole show.

And you have to stick around so I can see what celebrity you resemble next week.  From this angle you’re like a half-white version of Eva Mendes.

The road ends here for… Blessing.  Yeah, he was a totally nice dude, but he just didn’t do shit when it came to song-writing.  Everyone’s sad that he’s leaving, and quirky girl seems to be the hug ambassador for eliminated contestants.

That’s gonna be real awkward on the week that she gets cut and has to hug herself.

So that’s it, kids.  What’s everyone thinking?  I’m pretty positive that I would watch this show even if I weren’t obligated to by my loyal readers, so hopefully you guys are enjoying it too.  I mean, it’s awful, but it’s fun awful.  Anyway, as of right now I figure Southern Chick, Rainwoman, Elvis, and maybe Jazz chick are most likely cannon fodder.  I’m pulling for my adorable little nerd boy, and also generally liking Jackie and the Quirky Girl, even though she describes herself as quirky.  Nick is an ass, obviously, and not nearly as talented as he thinks he is.  He’s so Kanye that I might change his moniker to Kanye.  It would take way less time to type.

Okay, here’s more puppy pics, cause after all this time my recaps just straight don’t feel complete without them.  Till next week… Stay classy, kids.