Platinum Hit: Cliche me to life

Hey hey, Gasmii.  Guess who’s been drinking???  Yeah, it’s been a long day and I require alcohol to make it through this episode of Platinum Hit, dammit.  Lots and lots of precious alcohol.  I recommend you join me in imbibing, because it makes me funnier when you’re drunk too.  Ready?  Let’s do this!

As inspiration, here’s TheMiki in a prom dress beating the crap out of the way bigger than me dude next to me in a beer chugging contest. Thug life, yo.

Side note: I accidentally deleted this episode off the Tivo (see: side effects of drunken recapping) before I could take pictures of my TV.  Bravo won’t let me watch whole episodes for free online, so we’re stuck working with the screenshots Bravo has provided.   Sorry.

We start our episode off with all the writers getting notes slid under their doors telling them to meet at a destination they’re sure to fall in love with.  Oh crap, is it love song week already?  And since when does Bionic Jewel deliver assignments all sneaky Memento style? So glad I busted out the booze today.  Anyway, everyone gets in their non-sponsored  cars and arrive at a park where Jewel is standing with Ryan Tedder.

Hey!  It’s that guy that plays guitar and wear a hat!

If you don’t know who that is, that’s okay, neither did I.  Luckily, Jackie from Lawng Eye-Luhnd pops in with the voiceover to tell us that he’s the lead singer for One Republic and also wrote hits like Halo, Battlefield, Apologize… Quirky loves him, and tells him so.  Jewel-bot tells the writers that they are indeed writing a hook about love, and that the winner will get a “Massive advantage” for the team challenge.  I hope the winner gets to taze all the losers at random intervals throughout the song writing process.  That would be a totally massive advantage.

Ready?  Go do some love-hooking!!!

Scotty is writing about the awkward moment in a relationship when you love each other, but no one’s said “I love you” yet.  Geek Johnny is writing about Quirky, Quirky is writing about Geek Johnny and tries to get him to make out with her.  Quirky dumped her boyfriend of two years right before leaving for the show.  Awww… I wonder if he’s watching his super fresh wound of an ex making out with some adorable geeky boy on TV right now.  I hope he’s got booze too.

Dear Quirky’s ex.  Suck it!  Love Johnny.

Sonyae is writing about not letting someone love her to death, and then has a cliche moment of inspiration and decides to write a song about loving her to life.  See?  Cause it’s a play on words.  One that no one has ever done before.  Shut up, Sonyae.  Take a fucking guitar lesson.

See those blurry things behind you?  Play one or you’re dead to me.

Kanye is writing the exact same song he writes every week.  He tells us he met a girl when he was 16 and they were together for 3 and a half years, and then she “Literally” tore his heart out, stomped on it, and drove away.  Oh for the love of fuck!  Could someone please get  Kanye a dictionary and open it to the word “Literally.”

“You keep saying that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

Okay, time’s up.  Let’s see what kind of hooking was inspired by love.

Hey sweetie, you lookin for some company?

Kanye goes first.  Seriously, it’s the exact same hook.  Different words, but that’s the only thing that changes.

You figuratively suck!

Rainwoman does something pretty cool.  Like, I would keep the radio on the station if I heard it, not like I’d actively seek it out to listen to it.

My music sounds like it smells like patchouli

Jackie from Lawng Eye-luhnd does good, but I think she’s aiming for mediocrity after the last two hook challenges she’s won.

Sittin on a park bench, tryin not to win the challenge, feeling like a dumb wench, please don’t pick my ballad

Elvis does something better than he usually does, which means it’s just bland and forgettable instead of painful.

Good thing he packed every scarf in the western U.S.  California looks absolutely frigid.

Scotty’s sucks.  Sorry Scotty, cause I mostly like you, but your hooking needs work.  One Republic guy disagrees with me, but I refuse to let my opinion be swayed by an indie rock dude in a silly hat.

You silly hat boys all stick together

Sonyae goes up acapella again cause she can’t play a fucking instrument.  Sorry hon. I don’t care what your lyrics or melody sound like because I think you lack credibility.

I’m posting lolcatz in lieu of pictures of “songwriters” who can’t play instruments

Quirky gets up confessing that she wrote her love song about Geek Johnny.  Kanye thinks they’re annoying and that Quirky is ugly.  Her hook is decent.  No one especially sucking or rocking so far.

Geek Johnny is up next, and does something pretty weak-sauce about wanting to wake up next to someone.  One Republic guy calls it too John Mayer-ish.  Sorry Geek boy, cause you know I love you, but you write very very John Mayer sounding songs.

Haha. Check out Quirky’s 8th grade groupie pose!

Okay, time for judging.  One more reminder that there will be a MASSIVE advantage for the winner.  In third place, One Republic guy says that the song was quirky, so he can only be talking about….  Yep, it’s Quirky.  Good job being quirky there, Quirky.

Hey are my glasses on quirky?

Second place goes to Kanye, because One Republic guy hasn’t been around to hear the exact same hook in all the previous weeks.

First place goes to Sonyae, whom I still refuse to acknowledge because she still refuses to play an instrument.

One Republic guy leaves and Jewel reveals that Sonyae gets to choose her entire team, and also pick the other two teams.  Yay, sabotage.  Sonyae picks Scotty and Elvis for her team.  Kanye gets handed Jackie from Long Eye-luhnd and Geek Johnny, cause she thinks it’ll be funny and because she wants to split up the lovebirds.  That leaves Quirky with Rainwoman.

It’s a hundred fucking degrees out you don’t need a scarf I’m so annoyed this really is all one sentence.

Okay Sonyae, that was some seriously terrible strategizing.  If you had any sense at all you would have given Jackie and Rainwoman to Kanye and put Geek Johnny and Quirky on a two man team.  You know that two people in the retard beginning stages of infatuation who are clearly writing for each other would be completely incapable of writing a song as a team.  They’d give up, have sex, and then lose by a lot.

You’re so pretty.  No you are.  No you are.  Let’s make out!

I’m pulling for Team Quirky-Rain at the moment, cause the other two teams are led by my two least favorite people.

Team Kanye is off to a steady start, although Kanye talks all sorts of shit about Jackie to the cameras.  No shocker there.

Pssst!  Kanye doesn’t like you.

Team Quirky Rain is collaborating, and Rainwoman is finally getting listened to, since there’s no one there to argue over her.  Unfortunately, she’s uncomfortable writing about Geek Johnny, and is pretty much useless.

This look courtesy of the, “I ran out of pot six hours ago and I got bugs all over me” collection

Team Sonyae is making a song that I hate for the time being.  I mean, they don’t have much, but I seriously hate the crap out of whatever they’ve done so far.  It sounds like the shit they play in Starbucks when they want everyone to clear out.

At least the LOLcatz are trying to learn an instrument…

Over on Team Quirky Rain, Quirky is not feeling well.  Nothing like getting sick during a challenge.  That’s how we wound up with JerseyMoobs as a Top Chef.  Someone get that girl some orange juice, stat!  Quirky is worried because Rainwoman is just sort of staring off into space, and Quirky needs a nap.  Well maybe Rainwoman will have a moment of brilliance while you’re out and you’ll wake up to a perfectly crafted Platinum Hit.

Nothing says, “I’m a hipster that doesn’t feel well” like wearing your hoody up indoors

We get to hear a whole bunch of whining about all the writers’ past heartache, and I just don’t care because they’re mostly all so damn unlikable.   I want to look up the people that broke their hearts and give them high-fives.

How could anyone leave this douche-canoe?

Team Kanye is doing a three-way song from all three writers points of view as like, dueling exes or something.  I don’t know. It’s confusing and I’m suspecting it’s going to suck.  Oh hey, Bionic Jewel drops in on the sessions and drags everyone out to the couch room.  Oh hey, there’s a twist!  Thank god because I was beginning to think maybe I wasn’t actually watching a reality show on Bravo.

You’ll all be cooking with no utensils!!

The twist:  A single writer from the winning team will be singled out for their contribution, and that writer will get immunity next week.  Oh, snap!  There hasn’t been any immunity on this whole show, so that actually is a big deal.  Plus it means that whoever scores it will no doubt epically fail next week and we’ll get to hear them get the, “If you didn’t have immunity…” speech that Bravo loves so much.

If the twist makes everyone smile, it’s a crappy twist!

Back to the writing rooms and Quirky Girl is still barely hanging in there.  I smell trouble for Team Quirky Rain.

Oh hey, the day’s over already.  And it’s the next day and Quirky is feeling better and flirting with Geek Johnny. They’re like a couple of third graders.  They’re cute, but that girl’s chances for survival this week are not good.

On to the songs!  Guest judge is still One Republic guy.

Old white dude didn’t get the “We’re all dressing like we’re going to Winter Formal” memo

Team Sonyae is up first.  They’re doing a duet too.  Scotty takes the male part, and it sounds like the shit that Mariah Carey and Boyz 2 Men used to churn out when I was in high school.  I hated it then and I hate it now.  Aside from not being my style, it also feels dated.  Like very 90′s school dance sounding.  Bleh.

Invisible Slow Dance LOLcat was feelin it though

Team Kanye is next.  I actually kinda it through the first verse, sung by captain asshat.  Jackie pops in, and I actually still like it.  Not love it or anything.  It’s decent though, and definitely the best thing I’ve heard from Kanye so far.

Thank you for not totally sucking

Team Quirky Rain comes out and does this super fluffy Sarah McLachlan meets Jewel meets Colbie Calliet thing.  Once again, I don’t hate it, but it’s not a hit.  It’s very, first track on an album that never gets released as a single.  But I usually don’t like the singles that get released, so I think I like it the best out of the three.

See Sonyae?  This burnt out hippie has no problem playing the same three chords over and over again.

Flash to the studio (aka the PH Stew Room). Oh hey, Rainwoman thinks she’s the sane one in the house, but no one else agrees.  Then everyone starts arguing over who is the most normal.  And that was this week’s token Bravo “We’re back! Psych! Here’s some more commercials!” moment.

Also, an edict was released stating that actresses who were suddenly being taken seriously after their roles in Black Swan were required to make shallow romantic comedies where they were fuck-buddies with some dude, and the girl was the one that didn’t want to make a commitment.

That’ll show those jerks on the Oscar committee

Anyway, Team Sonyae and Team Kanye get called up and told they wrote the top two songs.  Bionic Jewel agrees with me that this was Kanye’s best song.  Kara says she hates the whole singing to a third person thing they did with the duet, but all the other judges dug it.

And the winner is… Team Sonyae!  Booo!  Their song was fucking retarded.  What the fuck are the judges huffing that they keep complimenting Sonyae on her lyrics?  Her lyrics are terrible.  The judges all fawn over their song, but there’s still a winner from the team to be announced.  And the person with immunity next week is… Sonyae.  Boooo!  She won immunity but she should have won piano lessons.

I haz no thumz.  Give me your immuniteez!!!

Team Quirky Rain gets called up, and one of them will be going home tonight.  Quirky mentions that she was sick and the judges say it’s no excuse for crappy lyrics.  Hey, I agree that the lyrics were trite and uninteresting, but so were Sonyae’s.  Old white dude judge calls the song superficial, and then Jewel calls the lyrics simplistic and I’m all out of jokes about breaking yolks to make smiley faces.

Bitch, don’t make me start quoting from this book

The judges ask Rainwoman what lyrics she wrote, and she says she didn’t write any lyrics.  Quirky cries and says she didn’t get any help from Rainwoman.  Rainwoman says that Quirky never listens to her, and then they get in a bitch-fight.  Jewel keeps asking Rainwoman for a single line she wrote, and Rainwoman rambles and stutters and and then gets super snitty and tells Kara not to cop an attitude.  I think maybe someone ran out of weed this week.

This is your brain on drugs.  Your brain off drugs is kind of a bitch.

The ladies get sent back to the studio while the judges deliberate.  Quirky sulks in the corner and cries about how horrible her song is, like a little emo tween who just got told their poems were dumb.  Then Scotty asks Rainwoman if she should stay and Rainwoman gets all snitty with Scotty too.  Yep. Definitely out of weed.  Someone get this lady a brownie, stat!

It’s time to send someone packing!  The ladies go back into the judges chambers, and the writer going home this week is…. Rainwoman.  That’s okay, because she clearly needs to get back to her bong.  She proves my point by telling the judges that they’re crazy and it’s not right.

Quirky runs in first, but Rainwoman tries to wait at the door and just say bye from there.  Quirky hops back on her duties as hug ambassador and convinces her to come in for a goodbye hug.

And that’s it.  Underwhelming week, except for seeing the hippie finally snap. That was funny.  So what say ye?  I know the pics sucked this week, but I blame vodka for that.  Any thoughts on the contestants?  Any ideas on what I should replace shots of Sonyae with, since I’m refusing to acknowledge her existence on a songwriting competition?

Puppy porn has a guest star this week.  Here’s Chase with his visiting buddy Philbert, the one-eyed shorkie.