Platinum Hit: more like Platinum S;%@

Hey hey Gasmii!  It seems like only yesterday we were eagerly waiting to see if Bravo could do for song-writers what it did for chefs and fashion designers.  For the record, the answer is no.  This show was so lame that it got moved to Fridays half-way through the season.  Friday nights is where crap TV shows go to die.  Everyone knows that.  Anyway, we’ve trudged our way to the end and we’re down to Quirky, Scotty, and she who shall not be named (or pictured).  I’m rooting for Quirky, I could deal with Scotty winning, and I’ll start sending Jewel death threats if they give it to that useless diva bitch.  Let’s see what happens!

Oh hey guys, remember all that stuff that happened earlier in the season?  The confessionals and the other contestants and the declarations of being born to write music and the crying for no reason?  No?  That’s okay, because we’re watching them all again anyway.  Bravo does not disappoint when it comes to gratuitous flashbacks.  This finale has more flashbacks then a van full of hippies who still follow Phish around the country.

Remember this?  Yeah, me neither

Okay… We’re done with flashbacks for the time being, and Jewel is summoning all the contestants to the rooftop, where she and Kara are waiting.

Please just push her!

Jewel and Kara pour everyone some champagne (Jewel does NOT know how to open champagne, btw) and have a toast.  Jewel asks everyone who they think is their biggest competition.  Scotty says she who shall not be named, so now I hope he loses.  He’s an enabler.

Plus there’s clearly no one there

She who shall not be named put on her super bitchy diva pants today, because she says that she is her only competition, and then laughs and says, “Scotty. Definitely not Jes.”  Wow.  I know it’s a competition, but they didn’t ask you who you could be a snotty cunt-rag to.  Just who you were worried about losing to.  Please, for the love of all that’s holy and musical and capable of playing an instrument, please kick ass this week, Quirky!  I need you to win because I need these other two twatwaffles to lose.

The future of song-writing reality shows is in your quirky hands

Quirky says that she’s stonger than SWSNBN at melodies and music, and her royal cuntiness laughs all evil-like.  Okay, I’ve been anti-SWSNBN all season, but that was based on her pretending to be a song-writer while never bothering to learn an instrument.  When did she turn into a Real Housewife of Atlanta?  Someone push her too please.

Anyhoo, final challenge:  Write an awesome song.  That’s it.  Any genre, any theme, just make good songs.  Then go work in the studio with some dude I’ve never heard of who has produced songs for a bunch of pop stars that I have heard of, but don’t give a shit about.  They’ll be provided with back-up singers and a full band, but I’m so hoping that the band isn’t allowed to help write anything and just has to play the music you tell them to.  Cause SWSNBN would be FUCKED.  And it’d be hilarious!

I wish this was the after effect of pushing a useless pretend songwriter to her death

The writers all sit down in their own studios, and SWSNBN is struggling because she usually has a track to work with.  She has the gall to bitch about how hard it is not being able to play an instrument.  You know what goes through my head while she’s struggling and looking panicked?

Quirky tells us about her boyfriend that she broke up with before she left for the competition.  There’s more crying, but it’s minimal.  Scotty is not happy with what he’s writing, but it’s early yet so I’m sure he’ll come up with something.

Back over with SWSNBN she’s still having a hard time writing a song with no music (HA!), but has chosen religion as her theme.  She asks the lord to take the wheel, but the lord just points to all the instruments all around her in the studio, and then uses his divine powers to pull up some free Youtube video guitar lessons on her computer.

Other topics on the list:  3D Ho, Moment of bill(?), might match on paper, scratch to super, celibate fraud, and februated.

SWSNBN ignores divine intervention and busts in on Scotty to a “axe” for help.  She tells him she’s writing about religion and Scotty makes this face

SWSNBN goes on to talk about a song concept that involves changing your religion when you meet someone you love or something.  I don’t know.  I’m barely listening to her because she sucks so much.  Scotty says he has a lot of issues with religion and doesn’t even like hearing that word.  Yep, that’s what happens when religion is the excuse your family uses to shun and humiliate you.  Gay kids with accepting parents tend to be a little more open to religion, but disowned gay kids with parents who tell them that God has a better plan for them and Jesus cries when they kiss their partner… Well… Maybe don’t go asking them for advice on your Christian themed song.

SWSNBN has another concept about capacity, and Scotty says to go with that and scrap the Jesus thing.  She takes off, confused and even more panicked (HA!) and Scotty starts thinking about what religion means to him.  There’s more crying and he talks about being younger and feeling like God was disappointed in him and how he thought about suicide, but then he realized he was beautiful.

I am Beautiful no mattah what they Saaaaaay

Oh hey, Fat Kid is back to check in on our song-writers.  He starts with Quirky, who plays something sort of good.  Fat Kid says it’s not accessible enough and he doesn’t love it.  Accessible  is music industry speak for trite, predictable, and something that will play constantly on the radio and make people want to bash their faces into speakers each time it comes on after about a week.  Yay, pop music!

SWSNBN is next and she has nothing to sing for the Fat Kid.  Nothing at all.  Fat Kid thinks that Capacity is a terrible name for a song, but likes the whole, “Love you like my religion” concept.  She sings what she had for that and Fat Kid says that the melody sucks.  I concur.

Scotty is up last, and he’s got a track recorded already.  His hook is “Beautiful looks good on you” and he’s head and shoulders ahead of his competitors when it comes to having an actual song constructed.

He’s bringing greaser back

It’s the next day now, and Scotty cruises in to the studio with super-producer J.R. -Something or other.  Scotty plays his song for him and they discuss a few different keys and builds and stuff.  J.R. speeds the song up a bit and throws some catchy piano stuff in there, and just like that Scotty’s song goes from Meh to totally decent.

This man is an arteeest

Quirky is next.  She utilizes producer dude’s mad production skillz to take her song from songwriter ballad to pop anthem.  I approve because it gives her a better chance of beating that walking set of tits for the prize, but it’s always sad to watch a good song get processed and repurposed until it loses everything that makes it interesting.  It’s like a musical version of watching Gruyere get turned into Cheez Wiz.

Oh hey, speaking of walking tits, she’s trying to sing the melody to J.R. and tries to hum the melody she wants him to play.  He deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for not popping her in the jaw.  That’s gotta be stupid annoying for a producer to put up with.  SWSNBN tells us she hears all the instruments in her head and JR is doing a great job of actually making the music happen.  You know what else would make the music come to life?  Being able to play an instrument, ya daft cunt!  Argh!

Sometimes I keep my cool by focusing on my energy on trying to make someone’s head explode with my mind

It’s the next day!!!  Time to get all slutted up and hop on stage for final performances.  Everyone tells us about how winning would change their lives and they didn’t come this far to lose and **insert reality competition cliche here**

I’m not here to make friends and I got totally thrown under the bus and the show is called Platinum Hit, not Platinum Scallop.

There’s an audience seated around the stage this time out, including all the eliminated contestants and producer dude from yesterday, and some other people that I should probably care about but don’t.  Scotty’s dad is in the crowd sitting next to Scotty’s boyfriend, and Scotty tears up because he never would have thought his dad would show up or sit there next to his boyfriend smiling and waving.  Awwwww… Okay, that almost got me crying.  So sweet.  I don’t mind if Scotty wins now cause my cold cold heart has grown three sizes this day.

Kleenex!  Need Kleenex!!!

Anyway, Leona Lewis is here to guest judge, and Quirky is up first.  I like her verses, but her chorus is very Katy Perry inspirational club anthem feeling.  Granted, that’s what makes platinum hits in this day and age, but it makes me want to throw things at the radio.  Take away the “Baby you’re a fiiiiiirewoooork” sounding bullshit chorus though and there’s some really interesting melody and rhythm and a strangely catchy pantameter to the whole thing.  All in all, for a pop anthem I totally don’t hate it at all, which is saying a lot.  Even Scotty interviews that he wasn’t worried about Quirky before but that song was really good.

Speaking of Scotty, it’s his turn.  His song is okay, but I got distracted because the chick playing guitar behind him is kinda hot.  TheMiki loves her some Mulatto chicks.  Grrrr.  Scotty’s dad rocks out and gives him a standing ovation and it’s super sweet.

And up last is SWSNBN.  I feel like I shouldn’t even be writing anything about her song because it’s like validating that she wrote a song or something, which she didn’t.  If she wins they should give the prize to J.R. because he wrote more of it then she did.  Does anyone care if it’s good or bad?  I mean, she didn’t fucking write the music, so she has almost nothing to do with the song’s success or failure.  Let’s just ignore her.  Maybe if we don’t look at her she’ll go away.

There’s chatter in the audience about who liked what.  A lot of people think that SWSNBN wrote the best song.  I would like to point out once again that she didn’t write a song at all.  She wrote some lyrics.  Some trite overused lyrics.  That’s all.

They clear out the room, and it’s down to just the judges and contestants.  There’s a lot of, “Blah blah I’m proud of my song, blah blah it’s been an amazing experience.”  Has everyone seen a finale on a Bravo show?  It’s exactly like every single one of those.  They’re stretching out the end of the show with useless filler.  These final judging sessions are only interesting when someone sucks shit or has a melt-down.  Since that’s not happening, let’s just skip to the end, yeah?

Best. Melt-down. Ever.

Oh, but let’s focus on the negative things about SWSNBN.  First I’d like to bitch slap all the judges for telling this bitch that the concept of “I love you like my religion” is super original and interesting.  Fuckers, Poe did that shit ten years ago and she did it better (her line was, “If I decided to make you my religion I think God would be kind…”).   I’m ignoring the other nice stuff they say though.  Old dude tells her that she’s weak melodically.  Kara resings her melody “better” for her.  Nothing harsh enough to make me smile. Bleh.

The Photoshop “Blemish remover” is an aptly named tool

There’s some crying.  SWSNBN lives out of a bag and grew up tough in the street and shit, but no one cares.  Scotty grew up gay and broke and wants to win.  Quirky just wants to win, but informs the judges of that without resorting to sob stories about her youth.

Okay, let’s see who won this shit!  Blah blah you all did a good job.  Blah blah you’ve all grown so much blah.

And the winner is… Not Scotty.  Aw.  Psych!  That was just mean, Jewel.

You cold, bionic bitch!

Okay, the actual winner is…

JR the production guy.  No, really.  He wrote the winning song.  Address your hate mail and death threats to Jewel: c/o Platinum Hit.  I’m done recapping this shit.  I don’t care what else happens.  This fucking show is dead to me.

Stella says this is bullshit!

Oh, P.S.  Sorry this took a couple extra days to post.  I wrote the cappage on Saturday, but then I had to watch the episode again to get the screen-shots, and it took this long to will myself to do that.