Platinum Hit: Six is half of twelve

Hey hey Gasmii, welcome back for another exciting week of Platinum Hit.  Yes, I’m aware that “exciting” may be a smidge of an overstatement when it comes to this show.  Who would have guessed that watching people write songs would be so much less interesting than watching people cook or make clothes.  Oh well, I think we’re nearing the end of the season or something.  And the previews make it appear that there will me an epic diva meltdown this week involving Kanye.  Let’s hope for blood.

I just noticed that Scotty is wearing a Beat It jacket with no shirt underneath in the credits.  Discuss.

So when we left our contestants last week, Bionic Jewel had just dropped in on them immediately following the performance/elimination round to tell them they had a new challenge beginning right….NOW!  Oh, and she told us that we were down to six contestants out of twelve.  And that the field had been cut in half.  I find it worrisome that the second sentence is needed to clarify the first, but we are talking about a Bravo audience, and this show does air right after a Real Housewife show.

Also, three is half of six, ice is not a food group, and I have enormous boobies.

Anyway, all the contestants write their name on a piece of paper and fold it up. They put the names in Kanye’s hat, and if we remember the transitive property of douchiness from the week Scotty stole a Kanye hat then we can ascertain that either everyone will be a douche this week, or Jewel will be extra super mean, since she’s holding the hat and drawing the names out.

The power of douche compels you!!

Bionic Jewel draws names in pairs, and each pair is a team.  Team one is Scotty and Quirky Jess.  Team two is Kanye and Geek Johnny (and Johnny is not thrilled).  Team three is Elvis and Sonyae.  Jewel gives them two hours to come up with as many hooks as they can, of any genre.  She says they’ll find out what the actual competition is the next morning.

First they take my hat, then they make me work with Johnny…

Quirky is trying to rap, and Scotty thinks she’ll be the next to go home.  Kanye and Geek Johnny are writing in separate corners, which is probably a great idea.

I’m just gonna swing my arms like this, and if you run into them…

Elvis and Sonyae are struggling like mad because Elvis is playing melodies with gibberish words and Sonyae can’t figure out the feeling behind the songs and Elvis doesn’t seem to know either.

Um yeah, see, I can play this thing here, so I don’t have to know what the song means.

Back over with team Geek/Dick, Kanye wants to spend the second hour of their time working together on what they wrote separately, but Geek Johnny does not want to talk to him or write with him or explain to him what “ruins” are.  You know I love you, adorable little geek boy, but you would have a way better shot at this thing if you tried to work with Kanye and then went back to hating him after the challenge was over.  That’s what all the other competitors have done.

Why doesn’t anyone take me seriously as an artist????

Time’s up!  Scotty has seven hooks, Quirky has two, and team Elvis/Sonyae has a TOTAL of one. One hook, between two people, in two hours.  We don’t get a count from Team GeekDick, but I’m sure the fact that they didn’t even listen to each others’ hooks is going to come back to bite them in the ass.

Dear Diary, I think Bravo is setting me up for a fall. Today they tried to make me talk on a Sidekick…

The next morning they’re off for a mystery meeting at Pulse Records.  Some fat kid name Evan Bogart calls in the contestants, starting with Scotty and Quirky.

Evan “Fatt Kidd” Bogart.  Yup.  And he works for BMI, as in Body Mass Index.  Insert your own joke here.

He asks them for an up-tempo male pop/r&b song.  Scotty says he had to flip the switch because he’d been in the studio writing for Sara Bareilles.  Well there’s your first mistake, Scotty.  Sara Bareilles is an actual musician and thus writes her own music, and it’s much better than anything you’ve vomited up this season, so maybe you should stick with writing for Jorbacca.

I love you, awesome piano chick!

Scotty manages to come up with something, which Quirky throws an impromptu harmony on, and Evan tells him he could picture it working for Justin Beiber.  I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a compliment or a wicked burn, but fatty seems happy-ish and sends them along and calls in Sonyae and Elvis.

Did you just call me a lesbian, bro?

Fatty asks them for a female soulful song, and so they try to adapt their pop song so it’s more RnB.  Cause they only have one song, so there’s not much to choose from.  Fat kid likes it, even though they got off to a shaky start.  He tells them if they push it farther it could be a Beyonce hit.  Because Fatt Kidd has totally worked with Beyonce, along with Eminem and blah blah blah. Fatty drops names like he doesn’t drop cupcakes.

Fat kids, take note!  Much like our boy Geek Johnny you too can increase the likelihood of seeing a girl naked before you’re thirty if you get your ass involved in the music industry. And don’t play tuba, for fuck’s sake.

Up last is team GeekDick.  As soon as they sit down Evan mentions how unhappy Kanye looks, and Kanye just keeps glaring at him unhappily while Geek Johnny laughs nervously.

Professional for a dude with neck tats.

Fatt Kidd runs next door and grabs some guy named Gavin DeGraw.  The name rings a bell, but I haven’t a bloody clue who he actually is.

Hey… It’s that guy!!!

He asks them to play a hook that would work for him, and Geek Johnny asks Kanye if he wants to go first and Kanye tells Geek Johnny to take the first shot.  Geek does a hook that Gavin likes, and then Gavin leaves and they’re sent on their way without ever giving Kanye a chance to play his hook.  Kanye is NOT PLEASED.

Yeah, well your song has cooties.

Back at home in the studio, Bionic Jewel announces that they’ll be making their pitch-hooks into full songs, and to take into account the notes that Evan gave them, cause he’ll be a guest judge.

Was Bionic Jewel missing from last week’s episode because she was getting an upgrade?  Cause she lookin goooood.

Team GeekDick is trying to form a shaky truce to write together, but they don’t like much of each others’ suggestions.

Watch out, cause Johnny put on his bitchy-pants this morning

Team Elvis/Sonyae is funny, cause they’re not very smart.  Sonyae is saying something about how the rearview is 20/20, and that makes me giggle.

Too lazy for Photoshop this week.  Enjoy these lolcatz in their natural form instead of Sonyae.

Over on team Quirky/Scotty they’re trying to write a song for Justin Beiber, and Scotty is saying the Quirky is too white.  Umm… I’m sorry, but no one is too white to write for Justin Fucking Beiber.

Lock up your daughters… err… sons…?  Middle aged lesbians?

The teams all get through their shorty hour long sessions, and then it’s the next day and we’re on to the next set of writing sessions.  Team Elvis/Sonyae is split with Sonyae writing lyrics and Elvis making a track. Because he has to. Because Sonyae can’t.  And yet she’s bitching about how he’s not helping with lyrics cause he’s all caught up in the track.

So much cuter than a useless twat that can’t play guitar

Team GeekDick is fighting, but civilly.  They’re fighting via shooting down every suggestion the other one makes.  Kanye is getting pissed and refusing to help because Geek doesn’t want to use any of his lyrics or melody.  Geek Johnny asks him to wake up and get with it, and Kanye throws a mini-temper tantrum about Geek not liking anything he contributed.

As a positive, this screen-shot could totally be your first album cover

See, Kanye?  This is the problem right here.  I’m sort of on your side in this, in that Geekboy is clearly not listening to you or trying to work with you even though you’re making an effort.  But then you go and mope and sulk and act like a spoiled toddler, and suddenly I’m less on your side.

Realizing he has neck tats and a terrible song, Kanye immediately returns to a life of stealing car stereos.

Time’s up!  It looks like Kanye is freaking out because he thinks that Geek is trying to lose because he knows that Kanye will get sent home if they do.  That’s kind of ridiculous, because you NEVER know who is getting sent home.  And if it’s Geek’s hook and mostly Geek’s song, then Geek would be more likely to get cut than Kanye.

This look from the, “Guy who makes lampshades out of your skin” collection

Over in the studio Johnny is talking to Scotty and Quirky.  He tells them that Kanye walked out on the session and he was trying to work together but Kanye didn’t want to contribute.  Okay, even though I hate Kanye I will admit that Johnny was basically shooting down every single suggestion he made, and that in the beginning Kanye was cooperative and trying to work as a team.

You!  Stop making me side with Kanye RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!

Kanye overhears what Johnny is saying starts screaming and having a diva shit-fit, but it’s nowhere near the meltdown the previews made it out to be.  He basically storms in and says everyone else was able to work  with him and only Johnny had a problem and Johnny should go fuck himself.

A naturally aggressive animal, the stupid hatted douche will bare his teeth to establish dominance when he feels threatened.

Back in the apartment with Kanye, Scotty, and Elvis there’s a discussion about the upcoming elimination challenge.  Kanye says he’s probably going home because Johnny sabotaged the song.  Elvis says no way Johnny would do that, and Scotty asks Kanye why he let Johnny take complete control of the songs when there was two of them in the studio with equal control.  Scotty says that he could totally see someone throwing a competition to get rid of someone else, but I just don’t think the judges are consistent enough that it’d ever be worth risking it.

Dear Nick, you’re not a threat. You’re just annoying.  Love, everyone.

Quirky is hanging out with Johnny in his apartment, where he continues to bemoan the fact that he had to write the whole song by himself.  Okay Geek, quit bitching about that because you didn’t have to.  You just hated everything Kanye wrote and refused to use any of it.  Now maybe all his suggestions were terrible and maybe they were good and you just thought they were terrible because you hate him.  It’s tough to say.

Maybe that one girl from that one week’s song will take me back… She’ll see what a mature and awesome dude I’ve become when she watches the show…

The dork love seems to be back in the air, so Geek gets some cuddles and kisses to make him feel better, and with that it’s time for the performance round.

I really should be getting back to the Geek Squad though, cause someone has to ask people if their computer is on when they call tech support.

Team Scotty/Quirky is up first with their song for Justin Beiber.  It’s not super Beiber.  I’m trying to think of who I could hear singing it, but everyone I’m thinking of is from the early 90′s.  Which means either I’m super old or this song is stupid dated.  It sounds like it was written for Bell Biv Devoe

That girl is pooooooooiiiiiisssssoooooonnnnnn

Team Elvis/Sonyae hits the stage with their Beyonce song.  It’s okay, but not catchy, memorable, or interesting in anyway.  So… Yeah… Probably a good fit for Beyonce.

He also doesn’t approve of your songwriting ability

Team GeekDick is last, and Geek Johnny gets up to perform it himself while Kanye mopes on the couch.  Jeebus!  If the song is wretched then they should send them both home, because Kanye needs to learn how to behave like an adult instead of a three year old who’s an hour past nap-time.  Aside from not getting up to play or sing harmonies or anything, Kanye also makes obvious gestures of how much he thinks the song sucks during the performance.

If I started replacing Kanye’s picture with something, this would be it.

Back in the studio Kanye says that Geek Johnny sucks and tells everyone that the song was terrible because Johnny didn’t have anyone to carry him this week so everyone got to see how bad of a song-writer he really was.  The song actually wasn’t all that bad. I mean, it wasn’t good or even decent, but it wasn’t as bad as some of the crap we’ve heard on this show.  It had something likable about it, even though it felt sloppy and rushed.  I’m sure we’re going to have a bitch-fight between those two boys during judging tonight, so maybe that will be better than the crap-ass excuse for a melt-down we got earlier.

Plaid shirt is the new Sidekick of Doom

Bionic Jewel calls up EVERYONE.  Well, with only six people left I guess it makes sense. Jewel asks everyone how they felt about working with their teammate.  Quirky and Scotty say good things about each other and Sonyae and Elvis say nice things about each other, and then Geek Johnny and Kanye start talking shit about each other at the same time while pointing fingers.  Very classy.

See this?  I have like a hundred screen-shots like this. More bickering than Vh1 Divas rehearsal.

The winner this week is…  Team Sonyae/Elvis.  Jewel says that the song captured Beyonce’s emotionality, and I officially hate that word.  Can’t we just say emotions?  No?  Meh.  They praise some lyrics that I don’t find all that great, but they’re better than the lyrics they usually praise.

Plus you’ve gotta give him props because his partner is a kitty with spelling issues

The loser this week is, Team GeekDick.  Yeah, not overly surprised.  Quirky and Scotty are praised for their melody and also for their lyrics, and with that it’s on to the main event.

Gentlemen… To your corners.  In the slightly purpler plaid shirt…

Kanye says that he didn’t have any input and had nothing to do with the song.  They talk about how much each other sucked and how hard it was to work.  Kanye says that Johnny sucked and wouldn’t listen, Johnny says that Kanye walked out on the session and moped and sucked too.  There’s SO MUCH BITCHY FIGHTING.  The judges ask questions, all of which lead to more childish bickering and finger pointing.  Kanye is his usual Kanye self, but it’s strange to see Johnny being so friggin Kanye-ish.  I don’t like it on him, but at least it’s entertainment.

If you survive this week, NEVER make this face again

After a good ten minutes of shit-flinging and blaming and talking over each other the judges send them off so they can deliberate, and Kara specifically tells them to separate themselves while they wait because they don’t want them anywhere near each other.  Sheesh.  I do like Johnny obviously, but I don’t think he was listening to Kanye at ALL.  Granted, when you can’t stand someone as a person it can be tough to be objective about any creative contribution they provide you.  Still, Johnny should have been the grown-up here, because we all know Kanye isn’t a grown-up ever.

Grown ups don’t wear neon hats cocked to the side

It’s time for the judging.  First Johnny gets yelled at for shutting Kanye out of the writing, then Kanye gets called out for not contributing.  The writer going home this week is… Johnny.  Holy balls.

**sniffle**  Now there’s no one left for me to give a shit about whether or not they get hit by a bus.

Backstage in the studio, Kanye is being an ass-hat to everyone else while Johnny gets lectured on-stage.  Jewel tells him that this is heart-breaking because he could have won this whole thing, but he screwed himself.  Johnny comes backstage to say goodbye and hugs everyone and makes Quirky super sad.

I never got to tell him how I really felt

Kanye continues to be a total asshat by telling him he had a bad attitude and that’s why he’s getting sent home.  Johnny finally figures out how to be a grown-up and just tells him goodbye.  Where was that maturity during the writing process?  Huh???

Where was THIS FACE?  Do you need boobs touching you to calm you down?  Is that it???

Oh well.  While I agree that Johnny did NOT handle working with Kanye very well this week, I still don’t think he deserved to go home.  I’ll miss you, Geek Johnny.  Not quite as much as Quirky is going to miss you (or Elvis for that matter), but you were the only likable person left on the show.  I mean, Quirky is semi-likable and I dig her music, but Geek was cute and I wanted to hug him and squeeze his little cheeks.  And how is there still a contestant left who can’t play an instrument???  Her lyrics aren’t the worst in the competition, but they aint good enough to make up for not knowing three chords on the guitar.  Fuck you, Sonyae.  Die in a fire and bring back my adorable little nerd.

Puppy porn has a guest star again this week.  This is Oliver.  He’s a crazy little fucker that I was doggy-sitting over the weekend, but holy crap is he cute.