Platinum Hit: What rhymes with cracker?

Hey hey Gasmii, welcome back for another week of painfully bad songs written by amusingly unlikable people.   I feel like I’m constantly giving you guys warnings about my general mental state lately, but since I am a walking medical problem these days, there’s always something making me loopy.  This week: Beta Blockers!  Yeah, my thyroid meds were not quite doing their job in keeping my heart from trying to leap out of my chest, so I’ve just added Beta Blockers into the mix.  Now maybe it’s just because they’re mixing with the five other prescription drugs I’m already on, but holy crap do these things get me high.  Like I just snorted a Xanax or something.  So, once again, I apologize for what I’m sure will be a recap full of spelling errors and missing words and sentences that just trail off for no reason.  I’ll try and focus as best I can.

Okay, let’s get it on!

Last week we lost Country Chick, and Geek Johnny got some sparks flying with quirky girl.  Other stuff happened too, but none of it mattered.

It’s morning time, and over in the boys’ apartment, Kanye 2.0 is bitching about Country Chick going home and how he’d rather Jackie went home and blah blah blah.  Mostly he’s bitching because he loves the sound of his own voice.

And I don’t like Jackie and I think everyone else is stupid and sometimes I cry at night

After a super exciting quick-shot montage of everyone getting ready (ooh! That one’s putting on eyeliner!) the contestants gather in the hooking station to wait for Bionic Jewel.  Geek Johnny says he’s feeling pretty good after having won the last challenge, but I bet he’ll feel better once he gets to put his lack of roommates to good use and have giggly, awkward dork sex with Quirky.

Dorky boys!!! This is why you learn to play guitar!

Bionic Jewel comes in looking like a dominatrix Fembot and tells the writers that they have to write about a superpower they wish they had, oh and bee-tee-dubs, they have to rap.  Hahaha.  Their guest judge is this guy:

Wait, wait… Rod Jerkins????  Are you shitting me?  I would have invested in a name change, bro.

All the contestants know who he is.  Either that or Bravo told them to pretend to be really excited because dude has a super fragile ego or something.  Either way, he’s worked with Michael Jackson, so I really really hope he has mean things to say about Kanye 2.0.

Seriously though, I’m still relevant. I’m only here cause Jewel promised me a hand-j after the show.

Geek Johnny says he’s “The Ish” and that he doesn’t want to wind up looking like a “Douche Tool.”  I love you Geek Johnny.  Never change.

“Ish” was the word of the day on my learn current slang calendar

Sonyae tells us that she’s from Jersey and she grew up in the streets.  That must have been tough, what with all the traffic going through all the time.  Were these streets located somewhere near that recording studio that you also claim to have grown up in?  Stop trying to be hard, bitch!  Look around you!!!  No one is competing with you for the title of hardest bitch in the house.

This would be so much easier if I knew a goddam thing about music theory, but there are no guitar lessons in the street.

Montage of all the writers writing their raps.  Holy crap, this is one cracker ass house full of crackers.  Rainwoman says that she loves rap and Tupac is one of her favorite artists.  Rainwoman, I also love you.  I love that you graduated from Stanford and think that forests are too much like forests and that you get distracted by shiny objects and listen to gangsta rap.  When you inevitably get sent home, you should come to Reno and hang out with me.  You can even dip into my over-stocked cabinet of prescription drugs.

What coast do affiliate with if you live in Hawaii?

Rainwoman decides she wants the super-power to make guys love her instantly.  That’s weak-sauce.  I want telekinesis.  NOT telepathy.  Good lord, I know some of the fucked up shit that goes on in my own head and I have absolutely no desire to hear from everybody else.  No, I want to be able to move stuff with my mind.  I think that’s friggin awesome.  I used to want to be able to do the Jedi Mind Trick, but then I realized how badly I’d abuse that (You want to give me all your money and then have sex with me), and I decided I wasn’t a strong enough person to possess those abilities.  I wouldn’t even have time to grab a post-card from the light-side before hopping over to the dark-side.

The first thing I’d do is turn your hat around with my mind

Scott thinks that Rainwoman is just riding on everyone’s coat-tails and that everyone wants her to go home.  Since Scotty is black AND has written ten number one hits in Europe, I hope Rainwoman outraps his ass something fierce.  It looks like he’s borrowed Kanye 2.0′s hat, so maybe the douchiness is stored in there and leaking into Scotty.

That hat is EVIL!  And by evil I mean hideous.

Geek Johnny tells us he’s basing his superpower rap on….  Take a guess…. ?   Yep, video games.  No one saw that coming.  He says something about cheat codes for walking through walls.  I think he means that he’s gonna rap about walking through walls, but I think it’d be way cooler to write about having cheat codes for real life.

A, B, A, B, select, start.  Damn… Her shirt’s still on…

Okay, time’s up.  Who is ready for a train-wreck?   Me!  Me! Me!

Rainwoman is up first, and she’s just rad.  Not like, good, but rad.

Super Power:  The power of being stoned enough to deal with these assholes

Jazz girl sing/raps and shows off just how white she is, but the judges tell her the lyrics are good.

Super Power: Making rap remind me of Norah Jones

Quirky girl gets up and confuses beat poetry with rap, which is really what white people in coffee shops around the country have been doing for years, so it’s all good.  She sucks though.

Super Power: Seducing dorks

Jackie writes a rap about wanting to be able to rap.  It’s cute, but Scotty has seriously caught a case of the douche from wearing Kanye 2.0′s hat, and he thinks she sucks.  Kanye 2.0 himself agrees, and even makes a point to scoff loudly when the judges compliment her lyrics.

The face of a man who badly wants to diarrhea out of his mouth

Elvis does his best impression of your one drunk super white friend who gets talked into doing Ice Ice Baby at karaoke night.

Super Power: Delusions of looking like Elvis, super greaser hair

Kanye 2.0 does pretty decently, but he needs to do a whole lot better to make up for being such an asshat.

Super Power: Dressing like an ass, being intolerable, alienating everyone

Scotty is okay too, but if he wants to be an asshat in training then he had better step up his game.

Super power: Transforms from mild-mannered homo to giant douche by putting on his douche cap

Sonyae gets up and does a rap that actually sounds like a rap.  Looking at it objectively, it’s not actually good at all, but compared to everyone else that came before her it sounds spectacular.  Which is sad.

Superpower: Mega-boobies and very little shame

Geek Johnny does better than I expected him to, but I expected him to do really really badly, so that’s not saying much.

Super Power: making lesbian recappers fall in love with him

It’s judging time.  Third place goes to… Jackie.  Ha!  She looks more surprised than anyone.  Kanye 2.0 is pissed.   Second place goes to… Sonyae, who looks pissed that she didn’t come in first.  Whatever. Learn to play an instrument and I’ll take you seriously.  Maybe.

But I grew up in the street

First place goes to… Geek Johnny!  Hahahahahahaha!!!!  That’s fucking hilarious!!!  Geek Johnny won the rap challenge.  And Jackie got third and neither douche boy placed at all.

Bravo’s controversial new “Separate but equal” segregation method for the couches met with little resistance.

Jewel tells the contestants that they’ll be writing a hybrid rap that incorporates rap and also a completely different style of music.  This is probably good news, considering the amount of whiteness in the room.

Seriously, cause this right here is the best rapper in the whole house.

Time to pick teams.  Geek Johnny picks Scotty,  Sonyae picks Kanye 2.0, Jackie picks Elvis, GJ picks Quirky girl (based solely on her writing abilities, I’m sure), Sonyae picks Rainwoman, and Jackie gets Jazz Girl.   Now that the teams are set, Jewel tells them that they only have that day to complete their songs.

Team Geek is off to a smooth start.  Jackie is explaining to Elvis that her rap is about being silly and kitsch and super duper white, and they decide to make their hybrid a rap/doo wop thing, which could be super cool.  But it’ll probably suck.

Sweater courtesy of my grandmother during her Mad Max period. We try not to think about those times.

Over on team Two Black People and The Whitest Chick in the House, they’re writing a rock/rap hybrid.  Rainwoman is in the corner looking like she wants to smack the crap outta both her teammates, while her teammates bicker over lyrical pauses.  I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of those two psychos either, so I support her decision to fade into the background.

I drawed an elephant

Over on Team Geek, Scotty is feeling uncomfortable because his teammates clearly want to make out with each other.

If y’all wanna be straight that’s fine, but could you be straight at home and stop rubbing it in my face?

Team Jackie is doing well.   Elvis is making the track while Jackie and Jazz Girl shoot lyrics back and forth.  No bickering on this team.

No actual writing talent either, but it’s cool because Elvis has an alter ago, and Throw You Under the Bus Man will keep him safe in case of team loss.

Speaking of bickering, Rainwoman is feeling a little better about being able to contribute to her team, although from what I can see her team is ignoring her completely when they’re not glaring at her.  Oh well.  If you’re the bottom team I’m pretty sure that the ensuing hair-pulling death match between Kanye and Sonyae will allow you to fade into the background again and not get sent home.

That keyboard can be used as a weapon in case of nuclear diva fallout

With the song-writing finished, it’s time for Quirky Girl to go visit Geek Johnny.  To talk about the song, of course.  If they happen to talk about the song with their faces really close together then whatever.

I think that the song is really pretty and it has really soft hands and I would kinda like to take the song home to meet my mom…

After entirely too much staring at each other like they want to make a move, they finally kiss at the door before Quirky heads back to her room.

Wishing for the super power to control unwanted boners…

Guess what time it is….?   It’s time to bust out some raps!!!  We have our usual judges, plus Rodney from the hook challenge.  Excitement!

Team Geek Johhny is up first.  Scotty does a slow R&B vocal backing with harmonies by Quirky, and then Johnny gets out there and really throws down.  He’s intensely white, but you have to appreciate his dedication.  Not a terrible rap, actually.

Rip off his sleeves, throw on a stocking cap…

 

And he looks like a homeless guy who writes Battlestar Gallactica fan-fic

Team Diva (plus a hippie) gets out there and they rock it pretty well.  I don’t like 2/3rds of this team AT ALL, but they nail this challenge.  Still hate Kanye’s voice (it’s a little generic), and there are parts of the song where the track sounds like it’s fighting with the vocal,  but they’re good.

If I lose this challenge I can never go back to Compton

Team Jackie comes out and does a funny little rap about sucking at rapping.  I think it’s funny and all, but it reminds me of the sort of thing you’d write for your eighth grade talent show.  They most likely are the bottom team since the other two teams were actually pretty good.

Sparkly gold fanny pack:  Makes sense in context, but why the fuck was it in your luggage?

Kanye 2.0 gives us entirely too much information when he back-handed compliments Jazz Girl by saying she’d win a competition if it was for Best Back-up Doo Wop Singer that he’d like to have sex with.  Yeah, I’m sure Jazz Girl is just dying to see what you look like under all those terrible clothes.  Douche.

It’s judging time, and over in the stew room Kanye 2.0 tells Jackie that her song sucks., so she leaves  Kanye says that Jackie has an evil side, and Quirky jumps in to defend her.  That’s nice.  I don’t think Jackie is evil either, but I do think it’s funny as hell hearing Kanye 2.0 call anyone evil.  Stalin would think this guy was an a-hole.

Tone it down, Kanye.  Your fashion choices alone are enough to alienate everyone if that’s what you’re going for.

The teams are back in the judging room, and Jewel calls up Team Geek and Team Diva/Hippie.  Jewel tells them they’re the top two, which is really not a surprise.  Scotty gets accolades for his operatic hook from Jewel and Kara, but old white guy judge doesn’t like it.  What he does like is how well Geek Johnny managed to rap.  They also get praised for their lyrics.

No one ever gets praised for their outfit.  Weird…

Rainwoman is asked how it felt to write with her two diva teammates.  I heard everything she said, but I have NO IDEA WHAT SHE SAID.  Rainwoman is hilarious!  Old white guy judge likes Sonyae, but isn’t crazy about Kanye’s chorus.  Yep.  Kanye writes the same chorus for every single song.

He’s like a Kanye robot that keeps writing the same song, and who powers back up by moping.

The winner this week is… Team Geek.  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!  That’s awesome!  Sonyae and Kanye are PISSED.  They don’t even pretend to be happy for them.

That’s okay, cause Scotty is happy enough for everyone.  Hercules!  Hercules!

Back in the stew room, there’s some discussion about who will be going home, and all the black people clearly hate Jackie.  I find that strange, since they’re three very different people, but black people apparently hate Jackie from Lawng Eyeluhnd.

Well, this one hates everyone

Back over in judging, Team Jackie is getting shit from the judges for not having enough social commentary in their silly white girl rap.  Producer guy specifically hated one lyric, and it was written by Jazz Girl.  Old white guy judge tells her she’s the only person he hasn’t been able to tap into yet.  Good for you, Jazz Girl.  You don’t need to let an old white guy tap into you.

Or you could tap into me. I’m creepy and open to suggestions.

Elvis gets told his track was lame, and Elvis says he doesn’t really like working with Jackie.

Jackie gets asked if she can deliver a hit song, or just a hook.  She says she can deliver, and then Jazz Girl gets shit for not contributing enough.

I contribute hotness, dammit!

The judges send the contestants away so they can deliberate, and over in the stew room the claws come out immediately.  Jackie and Elvis are fighting, and Scotty jumps in to tell Jackie that she’s hard to work with.  He actually is pretty diplomatic in the way he says it (you have a big personality), but he’d probably be better off just staying the fuck out of fights that have nothing to do with him.

No, I’m the definition of the funky mad tracka record

Jackie cries a lot and Scotty says that he’s just letting her know that other people have said she’s hard to work with.  Jackie asks who was talking shit about her, and Kanye tells her that Sonyae talks all sorts of shit about her.  Sonyae explodes and gets all up in his face screaming things that are probably not even words.  Kanye says, “Hey, whatever, I’m a douche-bag” and no one argues.  Ahh… Bravo Network.  You sure do know how to put people in a room and make them try to destroy each other.

Note to the ladies: shoving your boobs in a guys face will not make him repentant.

Now that the contestants are all done trying to claw each others eyes out, it’s back to judging to find out who is going home.  Jazz Girl didn’t contribute enough, Elvis wrote a crappy track, and Jackie can’t make her hooks into actual songs.  And the person going home tonight is…. Jazz Girl.

This is why you don’t get attached to cannon fodder.

Hmm… So is Kanye 2.0 Platinum Hit’s version of the Sidekick of Doom?   Last week he said he thought Southern Chick was super talented and she got sent home.  This week he wanted to get jiggy with Jazz Girl, and she got sent home.  Dude is bad luck.

Quirky ruins her perfect streak as hug ambassador, but makes up for it by crying her damn eyes out when she finally does make it over to hug Jazz Girl.

It’s like onion chopping night at the Steel Magnolias movie club or something

Everyone seems genuinely sad that she got sent home, and there’s tons of crying.  After she leaves Jackie whines that everyone in the house hates her.  Pretty sure the problem is just that the people who do hate you are the people who like to loudly complain about every single thing that annoys them.  I wouldn’t worry too much about Kanye hating you.  It’ll probably keep you from getting sent home.

So is anyone else watching, or are you all just reading re-caps?  I could care less, so long as you read the re-caps, but if no one’s watching then maybe I can start making shit up to make this show more entertaining.

Here’s your puppy shot of the week.  I buy two of everything when it comes to the dogs, because they will rip each others’ faces off fighting over stuff otherwise.  Stella is not very bright, and she’ll leave her bone sitting unguarded while she goes to get a drink of water, and then come make pathetic noises to me when Chase ninjas his way over and steals her toy.  Here he is trying to look perfectly natural with two rather large rawhide bones.