Hey hey, Gasmii. So, uh… Holy crap. Platinum Hit was on last week. My Tivo didn’t record it, and since Bravo likes to give its crappy reality shows random breaks for no reason, I just figured this was an off week. Turns out that my Tivo was just on strike because it was super pissed about my geek getting sent home too. So hey, the good news is you guys get a double recap this week. The bad news is I have to sit through two hours of this dreck in a row. Just so we’re clear, our remaining field is made up of a delusional Elvis wannabe, a functional ass-hat, a bitch that can’t play a fucking instrument, a dude that works for Jorbacca, and a girl that refers to herself as quirky. God help us all, one of these fucktards is going to win this contest.
Way to outlast the way more talented song-writers everyone. Now there’s no one left to not suck.
You know what will make this suck less? Booze! Pardon me while I go get some. In the meantime, let’s listen to Kanye gloat about how Geek Johnny went home and how Quirky is next. Oh, and let’s also listen to Quirky whine about how Johnny is gone and Nick sucks. While I agree with Quirky on both points, she should deep down be a little bit stoked that her show-mance partner is gone. He was the front-runner to take this whole thing, and with him gone there is not a clear leader of any sort. Everyone falls dead-center on the chart of forgettable mediocrity.
I’m really super sad that I have a chance at maybe winning this now
There’s a note waiting for our contestants when they roll into the studio and it says “Kiss the Flame.” Kanye makes a joke about everyone having to make out with Scotty, which would be an awesome challenge. I’m wondering if this challenge will be about taking trite metaphors and turning them into real songs. In walks Jewel to deliver the details, and introduce their guest judge. It’s the editor for Spin Magazine, Doug Brod. I thought Spin went under…?
Nope. Spin still exists. And this guy is its editor.
Anyway, Jewel explains to the contestants that “Kiss the Flame” is a song she wrote about wanting to run towards danger. ***sigh*** Goddammit, Bravo network! If you want to have a song-writing contest where you constantly tell your contestants that they need to write better lyrics, then could you get someone who writes decent lyrics to judge them please???? Jewel is hot, and I even like some of her songs, but her lyrics are FUCKING TERRIBLE.. ARGGGGH!!!!
“My hands are small I know but they’re not yours they are my own…” Yeah…
Oh, and the challenge today is to write a hook about empowerment that uses the lyric “Kiss the flame” in some way. Doug says his favorite empowering song is Queen’s “We are the Champions.” Not sure why we needed to know that, but now we do. Oh, and since there are only five contestants we will only have two winners.
Scotty is being inspired by coming out of the closet, Quirky is being inspired by being underestimated, Kanye is being inspired by hating women and being an ass-hat, Sonyae is writing about being physically and verbally abused, and Elvis is writing about overcoming his victim standpoint that he had for a while after his mom died of breast cancer when he was sixteen. Awww… Guys, that makes me sad and makes me want Elvis to do well.
Baby Elvis with his mommy
Kanye asks Elvis to sing quieter, and Elvis tells Kanye that maybe he should just sing louder or shut up. Ha! I mean, Kanye was probably not being a total ass-hat here, since everyone in the competition has mentioned how hard it is to write near Elvis because he’s so damn loud, but it’s always nice to see someone stoop to Kanye’s level and tell him to go eat a bag of dicks.
Time’s up! Scotty wrote a song called “Reign” that’s pretty mediocre. Quirky wrote something that I like but that I’m sure the judges will hate. Nick hates it too, but Nick hates everything but mirrors. Nick wrote a song called “Kiss the Flame” which I don’t like at all, and that’s not because I hate him. It’s really a stupid hook.
And that is some really stupid hair
Elvis wrote a song about lighting candles for his mom, and it’s super sweet and one of his better hooks, but it’s not very empowering. Sonyae comes out and it’s a shame she can’t play an instrument because this challenge was made for her and she does a really good job. I just hate to admit that she deserves to win, because she CAN’T PLAY A FUCKING INSTRUMENT!
Judging time! Second place hooker is: Scotty! Cool. I mean, it wasn’t especially good or bad. First place goes to Elvis, proving that dead moms are good for more than just American Idol votes. And just to sweeten the pot a little before teams are chosen, Jewel announces that, “The member of the winning team who is MOST responsible for the song’s success will get a feature in Spin Magazine.” Ha! How much catty in-fighting is this gonna cause?
Elvis picks first and goes with Quirky. Scotty picks Sonyae because he says she loves the gays. Sonyae concurs that she loves homos, and seems happy to be with Scotty. Elvis now has the option of taking Kanye or giving him to Scotty. Kanye wants to be on Elvis’ team because he liked his hook, but Elvis plays smart and realizes that having Kanye and Quirky on the same team would be a disaster, so Kanye gets passed over to Team Scotty. Scotty is stoked because his team is awesome. Actually, Scotty probably does have a way better shot at this based on teammates, but Elvis would have been fucked if his whole session was based around Quirky and Kanye snipping at each other.
Off to the studios, Elvis is telling Quirky that his song is about refusing to play the role of the victim, and Quirky tells him that she has been assaulted and she had to piece together what had happened by looking at the bruises on her body. Dammit! I can’t make fun of a dead mom and a sexual assault. I’m snarky and all, but even I have a line. These guys better write a good fucking song though. I’m pretty sure that the whole dead mom/rape thing would be enough to lean the judges in their favor due to sympathy, and I WILL make fun of them if they win because of subject matter instead of content. Well… At least her and Elvis are on the same page, even if they’re drawing on VERY different reasons for having felt like victims in the first place. They’re aiming towards something along the lines of P!nk’s sound. Good luck, kids!
No really. Just good luck. I’ve got nothin
Scotty tells us some sad stories about his family not accepting him and basically refusing to talk to him because of his lifestyle. His team is all about the whole “Reign vs Rain” thing. They’re working together pretty well, but Kanye has a hook melody that he loves and the other two hate. It looks like he’s talked them into using it, and the fact that Bravo is showing us this argument means that this particular hook will either be the very best or the very worst part of the song.
Over on Team Elvis, Elvis wants to write a track and have Quirky just write lyrics, but Quirky wants them to work together on the lyrics so that she can get feedback from him. Uh-oh! This could be a big victim-y trainwreck. With 45 minutes left Quirky finally gets Elvis off the piano to help her with the lyrics. He’s cranky about it, but he helps her eventually. Elvis thinks it’s a waste of time to have him working on lyrics when he could be making a track, but Quirky thinks that he’s focusing on the wrong thing. Based on how the judges have been judging this shit, I’d say Quirky has a point.
Nah… What’s the likelihood that the judges will say something about the lyrics?
And as a writer I know how valuable it can be to have someone to bounce lyrics off of. My little sister is a musician, and a brilliant one at that. She sends me lyrics all the time to get my opinion on them or for help finishing a line. It’s not because I write better lyrics than her or she’s not capable of doing it herself. Sometimes it just helps to hear what your words sound like to someone else. Here’s a shameless plug for my little sis, by the way. Click the link to watch her perform one of her originals. A caveat though that this is a terrible recording (done by me).
Stitch rocks the mic
Over on team Scotty, they’re freaking because they are almost out of time and still don’t have a bridge. It’s down to the wire and they’re just super stuck on the lyrics. Time is up! Scotty is NOT stoked on their final product, but he’s hoping for the best.
I can’t go home on the gay song…
Kanye says he’s not gay and he’s never been gay and he never will be gay, but he knows what it’s like to feel like an outsider. Sorry, Kanye. You haven’t got a fucking clue. You know how those bible-thumping jerk-offs like to tell us gay kids that being gay is a choice and we could choose to be straight if we wanted to? Well, see… When it comes to being an ass-hat you actually do have a choice. So someone ostracizing and tormenting another human being for their genetic and biological sexual preference that they have no control over is NOT the same thing as people not liking you because you’re a douche-nozzle. Nice try though.
God hates ass-hats
Hey, it’s judging time! This week’s guest is Colbie Calleit. Hey, I actually know who this one is. And holy balls is this a score for Team Elvis, because unless they bit the big one they should have the more Colbie-appropriate song here. If Colbie calls anyone out on cheesy lyrics though I will start posting lines from, “Bubbly” to make fun of her.
You’re skating by on the strength of “Realize,” but just barely
Kanye thinks she’s hot and he wants to do her. Fascinating.
Team Scotty is up first. They’ve written what can only be described as a club anthem. The performance is terrible, but they’re not being judged on that, which is fortunate. Bad bad pitch problems from everyone, which make me wonder if maybe they didn’t have the melody down all the way by time being up. Kanye’s rap part is totally not bad, and Scotty accompanies it with the gayest dance break-down I’ve ever seen.
I give it a solid “Meh.”
Up next we have Team Elvis. They sound like they’re having pitch problems too, so maybe I’m just extra grumpy about pitch today or something. Anyway, their song is (in my opinion) the better one. The melody is way stronger, and the lyrics are totally not bad. Not that the judges EVER agree with me, but this song is much less painful than Team Scotty’s. There’s a part in the chorus that is excellent melody-wise, and the rest is not bad. I mean, not good or anything, but my standards have been drastically lowered after an entire season of this rubbish.
Backstage, Quirky tells Kanye that she hated everything about their song. Hey, there’s a whole lot of ass-hattery happening this week. By the time this is over everyone will an ass-hat.
Judging time! Both teams get called up. Jewel asks Elvis what his song was about and he tells her about how his mom died of breast cancer, and Quirky mentions having been roofied. Colbie Calleit comments on how they went up in the chorus and how pretty it was, which is the exact same part that I was saying I dug.
Kara’s “Sorry about your dead mom/rape” face
Over to Team Scotty, Kara says that they messed up on the chorus by using “Rain on me” instead of “Reign over me.” Jewel ask Scotty if he feels their song was successful and he says “No.” And then Jewel tells them they won, and Scotty’s face pretty much says it all.
Time to figure out who gets a feature in Spin. They compliment Scotty’s chord progressions and one of Sonyae’s lyrics. Colbie asks who wrote the melody for the chorus, which is the part that Kanye loved and Scotty and Sonyae didn’t want to use. The judges LOVED it, and Scotty and Sonyae both give all the credit for that to Kanye, who is dancing around and singing his melody like an excited little five-year-old.
The judges do some whispering, and then decide the winning member is Kanye. Everyone says that the melody on the chorus was the best part of the song.
Team Scotty heads back to the studio, and Team Elvis is ready to get broken down. As much as I liked their song better, I do totally agree with the judges when they scold them for writing a song that’s not the least bit empowering. The judges like the lyrics, but hate a lot of the chord progressions. Quirky mentions how much time Elvis wasted on the track, and Elvis is a total ass and refuses to accept the blame for fucking up his own song. Sorry Elvis. This is not the first session where your teammates have bitched about how all you wanted to do was make a track.
Question: Why am I always wearing a stupid scarf?
Quirky does some yelling and foot-stomping and says she’s super-frustrated, and the judges send them off so they can decide their fate. Back in the waiting area, Quirky is still foot-stomping and says she’s learning not to be so nice all the time. Kanye starts to say something to her, but she just yells at him about how the last thing she wants is advice from him.
Is it just me, or is Nick turning into a stereotypical early 90′s lesbian?
Well, it’s moment of truth time. The writer going home this week is… Elvis. Bye bye Elvis. You weren’t a terrible writer, but you were boring as shit. Quirky tries to do her job as hug ambassador by giving Elvis a big hug, but he’s a total bitch about it. The judges wish him luck.
If you hug me I will punch you in the throat
Quirky goes backstage, and Sonyae seems stoked that she’s still there. Kanye rolls his eyes, and Scotty seems indifferent. After a minute or so Scotty gets up to see what’s going on, since Elvis hasn’t come back to say goodbye yet. Wandering over to the doorway, he finds Elvis crying on the floor. Yep. Crying. On the floor. Like a bitch.
It’s okay, man. At least you still have your self-respect and pride.
Scotty tries to consol him, and Kanye tells him he should be proud because he made the top four. Scotty corrects him that Elvis only made the top five. Ha! Not so good at the making people feel better thing there, Kanye. Maybe you should just stick to being a douche.
Okay, on to the next episode! No time to waste!
We’re down to the final four, and Kanye is running his mouth about how Quirky sucks and should just go home already. Shut up Kanye. Scotty says that with Elvis gone he’s definitely the front-runner, but I’m pretty sure that all we have left is a big ol’ slice of bland-ass mediocre pie. These guys are all pretty meh.
It’s like The Brady Bunch, but more dull
All the contestants gather in the studio, where Jewel introduces their guest judge… Perez Hilton. Ha! Really? How is this a music expert? Anyway, the challenge is to write a pure pop hook. And… Go!
Also, who dressed you?
Quirky is struggling to be poppy, but tells us that she won the Billboard World Pop Songwriting contest this year. Kanye is cocky, but there’s nothing surprising there. Scotty is writing a song about wanting the DJ to have his babies.
Hey, time’s up! First up is Quirky, who gets scolded for being too negative and not fun enough. Scotty goes next, and Jewel actually says that his lyrics made her throw up in her mouth a little. Hahaha! I’ve missed cold evil bitch Jewel.
Jewel’s cold evil bitch face
Sonyae gets up and throws down a decent hook, but Jewel says her melody drifted a bit. Nick is last and does a song called “Boom Boom” that makes no sense. Perez says it sounded like something Hanson or The Jonas Brothers would sing and that it made no sense. Ha!
And in MmmmBop you’re gone…
Okay, time for winners. In fourth (aka last) place is… Kanye. Third place goes to… Quirky. Second goes to Sonyae, which makes Scotty the winner. Okay kids, when I say that the only contestants left are mediocre at best, what I mean is that we are looking at a final four where the winner of the hook challenge wrote a song that made Jewel throw up in her mouth. ***sigh*** Can this show be over now?
Jewel sends Perez off to return to his busy life of drawing penises on pictures of celebrities, and then announces that the contestants will all be working alone on this challenge. No teams, no help, and no one to blame when your song sucks shit. And they will have a super powerful and important judge deciding the winner. And the mystery judge is…
Oh it’s already been broughten!
A group of cheerleaders. Jewel says that Santa Monica High’s student body will choose the winning song. Nice. Scotty says that he loved high school and that he played sports and was the homecoming queen. Errr… King. Sorry. But seriously Scotty, if you were super popular and loved high school than you have not suffered the way most gay kids suffer. Your right to complain about how hard it is to be gay has officially been revoked.
Each writer has been given a different backing track, and they have to write the lyrics and melody. Sonyae is DAMN lucky that they get a track to work with, because she’d be fucked otherwise.
So the writers tell us a bunch of boring crap about what they’re writing, and without teams working together and bitching and fighting there is ABSOLUTELY nothing interesting happening here. Let’s move ahead to when Kara comes in to surprise the writers in their studios. She starts with Scotty, and tells him that he sucks at writing lyrics.
Not that I care, but Bravo says I have to start earning my paycheck or they’ll replace me with J-Lo.
Over with Kanye, Kara tells him he not hooky enough. She loves his lyrics, which I think are terrible. They’re all about cell phones and being on vibrate and being someone’s first call. They’re lame.
Don’t let me go to voicemail cause girl you’re my call waiting and I downloaded a special ringtone just for you
Sonyae is next, and Kara loves her concept but hates her melody. Yeah, um… Sonyae is NOT a song-writer. She’s a lyricist, and not even all that great of one. That being said, I think that she should stick with the hook melody that Kara hates, cause it’s really not that bad.
Up last is Quirky, and Kara says her melody is great, but her lyrics are hit or miss. Okay, so this show is so boring that I can barely write about it when there are no teammates trying to murder each other.
Blah blah I work for Jorbacca
Blah blah some mean lady broke my heart and all my songs sound the same
Blah blah I’m rewriting my melody even though that’s the part that Kara liked, because I’m just so gosh darn quirky
Blah blah I’m a LOLcat
Sonyae tells us that she has lots of siblings and her dad has been in and out of jail, and her dad has sacardosis, which all the House fans will no doubt be familiar with. Because it’s never lupus.
Hey, it’s the next day and the contestants are all seated in the gym during a basketball game. I guess the contest is the half-time entertainment. The judges make their way in too, and the guest judge is some super important songwriter that I’ve never heard of. Quirky is falling all over herself singing his praises though.
The contestants aren’t actually performing today. Their songs are just being played for the kids via a sound system, and then they’ll vote on which one they like best. Kanye’s song plays first, and it’s not terrible, but it’s pretty bad. Quirky tells us that she doesn’t need to win, but she does need to beat Kanye. Her song is next, and it’s pretty meh. The kids look bored during it, and I feel bored during it.
Yep, it’s about this exciting
Sonyae’s up next, and god help us, this is probably about a hundred times better than either of the other songs we’ve heard today. God I hope Scotty pulls out something better. Either that or the judges continue their streak of not agreeing with me on anything ever and send her talentless ass packing.
Scotty’s song is… I don’t know. It’s the sort of crap I hear at clubs, only slightly sedated. Like Justin Timberlake on Qualudes. It is the only song that gets the kids up and dancing though, so apparently they liked it. Either that or they finally figured out that if they danced the cameras followed them and they might get to be on TV.
Just when you thought Kanye’s hats couldn’t get any lamer
In this week’s, “We’re back! No we’re not! Ha!” Bravo moment, Kanye tells us he’s really sick and throwing up, and then drinks a beer. Good thinking Kanye.
Feed a cold, get a fever shit-faced
Okay, we’re back for reals now. It’s judging time, and the students chose as the winner… Sonyae. Goddammit! I mean, I kinda have to agree that her song was way better than the other three, but holy fuck! We have a finalist that can’t play a single fucking instrument. Why are we rewarding this sort of mediocrity????? Fuck you, Sonyae. And fuck you, remaining contestants who couldn’t out-write her stupid ass.
I hope you all die in a fire
So Sonyae gets sent to the studio/couch room since she’s moving on to the finals. Scotty gets props for his melody, but told his lyrics don’t fit that melody completely. The judges mostly tell him nice things, but say his song was a little too deep for a pop anthem.
Jewel calls Kanye out next, and tells him that she liked these lyrics the best of anything he’s written. Kara re-sings his chorus with a different melody, and guest judge dude says he didn’t like his melody too much. Kanye says he spent very little time on the melody, and old judge dude tells him that the song wasn’t catchy or hooky.
Quirky is last, and Jewel tells her that she’s really grown and improved. Kara likes her lyrics, but old judge dude thinks she needs to simplify her chorus. Then Kara says her lyrics are too simple. Well that’s just confusing.
With that the contestants get sent back to the studio, where Sonyae is gloating and singing her winning song. The rest of the contestants are stressing, especially because the judges said good things about all three songs and didn’t really rip anyone apart for anything.
We all sucked equally this week
Okay, let’s find out who’s moving on to the finale. Scotty is… In! He’s moving on to the finale. That was pretty obvious, I think. They send him back to the studio, which leaves BFF’s Kanye and Quirky to battle it out for the final spot. And the contestant going on the finale is… Quirky! Ha!
Take that ass-hat! Showing a rare moment of good sportsmanship, Kanye hugs her and congratulates her. She buries the hatchet for the moment as well and yells, “See ya in Spin Magazine” as she’s running back to the studio. Kanye is a totally decent human being to everyone now that he’s being sent home, which is a shame, because if he could have been this decent during the rest of the season then maybe we could have rooted for him or something.
Okay kids, next week is the finale. A winner will be chosen! The clips for next week make it look like it will be Scotty, so either they’re trying to mislead us, or Bravo has given up on this show so completely that they’re not even editing their promos anymore.