Platinum hit: will melt your popsicle

Hey hey Gasmii, so if you’re not staying current on this week’s Platinum Hit happenings, I’d like to specify that I am NOT late in the cappage.  There was no show on Monday (I assume because of the whole drunken pyrotechnics holiday), and for some reason I don’t understand at all, Bravo decided to air this week’s episode on Friday.  I was unaware of this up until just this second, when I got home and went to watch last night’s Big Brother on Tivo and discovered a brand new Platinum Hit waiting for me.  You guys are lucky I have no social life, am dating a girl that works nights on the weekends, and was planning on sitting on my couch watching TV tonight anyway.

My date for the evening.  Sure, he’s cute, but he’s hard to take out to dinner and dancing.

So… On with the cappage!

This week, Sonyae has immunity,  from elimination and from having her picture shown on TVgasm, because I’m still refusing to plaster her face anywhere else until she learns to play a fucking instrument.  I’ll be using a couple of your suggestions from last week as her replacement in the photos, along with whatever random crap my drunk ass decides should take her place.  Oh yeah, I’ve been drinking.  It’s Friday night. Just because I wasn’t planning on leaving my couch doesn’t mean I wanted to be sober.  Pffffft!  That’s crazy talk.

Don’t drink and Photoshop, kids.

So after our obligatory Bravo fast motion establishing shots of the city, we see Scotty winding up the cord on an iron and telling us that the fat has been trimmed and it’s down to the hit song-writers.  Keeping with the note under the door clue-giving from last week, the contestants receive their cryptic clues and are told they’ll be putting everything on the line.

It’s not natural to be this excited about an iron.

After a quick car ride everyone shows up at some promenade to be greeted by Kara.  Geek Johnny tells us that he’s terrified of Kara, and without Bionic Jewel there to balance out the cuntiness it’s extra scary.

This is my scared face

Okay, so he didn’t actually say, “Cuntiness” but I know he was thinking it. She tells everyone that they’ll be writing about risk.

Don’t set up a Russian front!!!!

Kara tells them that they’ll be performing their songs right there in the promenade, and asks everyone if they’ve ever been a busker before.  Jackie from Lawng Eye-luhnd raises her hand, and informs all us common folk that a busker is a street musician.  She’s played in numerous subway stops, and she’s excited about this challenge.   The writers will be performing for tips, and the three who have collected the most money by the end of the day are the winners.

And the loser gets to track down baby kittens for Kara’s nightly snack…

Ready?  Start street-hooking for cash!!!

Bravo has set up guitars and open guitar cases for tip collection.  They even set up some keyboards for the piano players, and a microphone for the NOTHING player.  Bitch.

I concur, random wall

Elvis is singing loud, which is pissing off Jackie.  Sonyae bitches about how she’s at a disadvantage because she doesn’t have an instruments.  Shut the fuck up!  You have arms, yeah?  Then you’re not at a real disadvantage.  You’re just lazy and stupid.

This guy’s only got ONE arm and he plays drums for Def Leppard

Giving us all some foreshadowing of trouble in geek paradise, Johnny is writing about love, but makes a point of mentioning that he’s NOT thinking about Jess while writing this song.  Ouch!  Wicked burn, Quirky Girl.

Maybe if you were quirkier you could keep his attention…

The time for writing is done, and Jackie is up on the mic first.  She steps up in a ridiculous fuzzy hat, despite what appears to be very warm weather, and tells the crowd that she’s singing about a risk she took by telling her boyfriend she loved him first. Then she mentions that it’s too hot for her hat.

My mom didn’t hold me enough, so now I overcompensate via wacky accessories in order to win the attention of complete strangers

She does a totally decent hook, and then also does a really nice job of shmoozing the crowd and getting them to interact with her.  You can tell she’s not new to this whole performing thing, and I think that will help her tremendously.

The crowd that gathers to watch Jackie…

Scotty does some boring crap and appears to have a much smaller crowd than Jackie.

The crowd group trio that gathers to watch Scotty

Some creepy bald dude tells Kara he loves the song though, so whatever.

I want to buy your album and then wear your skin as a hat…

Jess does something I rather like, and I know I tend to like her stuff in general, but I think this is my favorite of all her hooks.  Also, I know that her name only has one ‘S’ but I refuse to type it that way because it’s stupid.

Jess draws a respectable sized crowd

Sonyae sings acapella, but her boobs alone should be drawing a crowd.

They don’t though.  Maybe her boobs could learn to play harmonica?

Geek Johnny does his cute little John Mayer-ish thing, and much like the other week that I dug his hook, he’s thrown in some twists of Jason Mraz to his sound.  The crowd seems to love him.

Look at that crowd!  And he didn’t even need fake titties popping out of his tank top.

Elvis does something okay, but I can’t handle the faces he makes when he sings.  They’re so distracting!

He’s either having a spontaneous orgasm or hitting a high note…

Kanye is having no luck in drawing a crowd.  Like, no luck.  NO ONE is stopping to listen to him play.  He decides to “Switch it up” and starts singing about wanting people to give him some fucking money.  That doesn’t seem to work so well either.

I’m so ronery…

Kara calls time, and tells everyone that she’ll count up the money and announce the winners back at the studio.  And I’m sure she’ll be donating that money to orphans.  And by orphans I mean her next boob job.

Back in the studio, Kara is ready to announce the winners.  In third place, with 14% of the money for the day: Jes!  I’d have given her my money too.

Is this a bad time to tell you I just wanna be friends?

In second place, with 27% of the money:  Geek Johnny!  Yay! Love him.

I just realized that I’m incredibly attractive and play the guitar.  I’m gonna go bang some sluts, guys.

And the winner, with 43% of the total tips is:  Jackie!  See?  Being charming and not an ass-wipe will help you win over your crowd.  I’m talking to you, Kanye!  You suck.

And if all else fails, you can always wear ridiculous hats… Wait… MORE ridiculous hats.

I’m doing a little math, and by my calculations the top three made 84% of the money.  That means that the remaining four contestants made a combined total of 16%, or roughly 4% each.  That is what we call a beat-down.

Suck it, losers!

Time to pick teams.  Jackie picks Scotty, Johnny picks Elvis, Jess picks Kanye because Sonyae has immunity, so if her team loses her partner automatically goes home.  Good thinking Jess.  Sonyae mopes a bit about being picked last, and her nipple tries to come out and add to the conversation.

We’re like a millimeter away from areola

Jackie has the choice of picking Sonyae or having a two man team.  Scotty tells her to take her because she’s good with the lyrics.  Jackie obliges, and Sonyae seems a bit less mopey.

Are you ready for the twist?  Cause there’s a twist. Just in case you forgot you were watching a reality show on Bravo…

Kara announces that the teams will have to turn the hooks into songs of a completely different genre.  There are six different genres to choose from, and Jackie gets to pick first.  She chooses country, and then kicks herself for not choosing RnB considering her teammates.

We gonna write a honkey tonk song, y’all.

Geek Johnny and Elvis pick Reggae, which I’m excited for because I think it might help take some of that John Mayer-ish-ness out of Geek-Johnny’s otherwise likable music.

Did you break up with that quirky girl yet?  Cause I badly want to make-out with you.

Dude, put your junk away! It’s not that impressive.

You do smell really pretty though.  Is that a new shampoo?

Team Jess is last, and they choose pop, which seems like a cop-out, since any of the winning songs could technically be considered pop with only very minor tweaking.  I’m sad she didn’t pick blues, because I think that could have made for a really cool final product.

We’re gonna shoot for mediocrity and hope the country team bites it.

It’s time to get to work and take risks and write songs and stuff.  Right off the bat Jackie takes a wild elbow to the face from Scotty.  Nice.

If only your ridiculous hat had a face-guard

Jess and Kanye get to work on making her song into a pop hit.  He’s a dick to the cameras, calling her song boring, but as per his functional ass-hat title, he appears to be very easy to work with.  I don’t like him at all, but I think I’d pick him if I were choosing teams.

Clearly capable of not being an ass-hat, and yet he chooses to always be an ass-hat

Geek Johnny is having fun with Elvis.  They dish about dating and love and stuff.

Well at first I was Team Jacob, but then when I read Breaking Dawn I realized how deep Edward’s love really was…

Geek Johnny says that Elvis is taxing and keeps talking about shit but not writing any lyrics.  Yeah, I don’t like Elvis either, but he seems to do decently as a co-writer.  Also, they’re clearly just bickering because of the romantic sparks they’re trying to ignore.

No, but if I were a chick, would you be into me?  If I were a chick, dude. No homo.

Scotty is doing his best to make sure that Jackie doesn’t domineer their writing session, and Sonyae says she actually loves country music and will make her voice heard..  They finish up for the night without having written any verses or a backing track, so they have tons of work to do the next day.

Oh hey, and it is the next day!  Elvis is still talking a lot but not writing lyrics.  He’s like that super stoned guy who you accidentally sit next to at a party and he won’t stop spewing all this nonsense that he thinks is deep and interesting.

But then I saw this other bong and it had FOUR chambers and I was like, whoa…

I’d smack him, but Geek Johnny does a good job of being diplomatic.  Elvis is writing a bridge that I’m pretty sure is gonna suck, and I think Geek Johnny agrees with me, but he’s giving him free reign to make his stupid bridge.  That’s actually probably decent strategy, cause if the song is okay and the bridge is awful and you’re the losing team, then the person who was solely responsible for the bridge is probably going home.

Over on team Jackie, they’re still working on lyrics and melody.  Their song does not sound the least bit country to me, but maybe once they have a backing track it’ll be a little more countrified.

I’m not a happy little teapot

Sonyae is throwing out lyrical suggestions with Jackie, and they’re getting annoyed with Scotty for having on his headphones to write the track and ignoring them.  I say leave him alone and let him write the track, ladies.  Someone has to do it.  With 26 minutes left to write, Jackie is worried that they haven’t played the whole song through yet and that they don’t have the song down.  Scotty says that he suggested country, he wrote the track, and if the judges hate what they did then he will take responsibility.  We’ll see if that happens.

Tuning out the bitches, writing a song, forgot to photoshop Sonyae…

Song-writing is over!  Sonyae is running around in a bra

At least she’s playing to her strengths…

Geek Johnny is singing in the mirror about his breakfast, and everyone is leaving for the performance.  The other ladies leave before Sonyae and she mopes some more about getting left behind.  I suspect she’s a diva who takes forever getting ready, and that she should have been ready by the time they left.  Have I mentioned that I don’t like her?  Cause I don’t like her.

Over in the judging/performing room we get our first glimpse of Bionic Jewel for the week, along with Kara, Old White Guy, and a special guest judge.  She’s written such hits as Teenage Dream and California Girls by Katy Perry, so it’s safe to say I hate her.  Katy Perry had one awesome song, and it was called “Ur So Gay” and I heard it and thought I would love her.  Then I heard songs like Teenage Dream and California Girls and started wanting to punch her in the face.  Then she married Russell Brand, so now she’s just dead to me.

Nothing says, “Fuck you, Dad” like marrying this guy

Anyway, Bonnie McKee comes out in all her “California Girls will melt your popsicle” writing glory.  She looks like I expected her to look.

Like Cyndi Lauper and that chick from Mad TV had a retarded baby

Team Jess comes out, and Kanye has written a very likable poppy guitar track.  Jess does a great job, the melody is catchy, the song is good, and I like them.  Probably my favorite song of the whole season so far.

This song is for a very special guy, who is holding hands with his co-writer for some reason

Up next is team Geek Johnny.  He has interpreted Reggae as Jason Mraz with a barely audible Jamaican accent, but it’s a catchy song as well.  Elvis’ bridge actually does suck as bad as I thought it would, and the song is a bit disjointed, but I dug the verses and chorus individually.

Apparently orgasm faces are contagious.

Up last is team Jackie.  Scotty tells her to go full-country (not to be confused with full-retard) so she busts out her twang.  They actually wrote a totally not bad country song.  It’s a bit boring, but most contemporary country music is a bit boring, so it works in the genre.

My dog ran away, and my momma got shot…

Kanye lets us know that he hated their country song and that Scotty wrote a terrible backing track.  Meh.  They wrote a boring country song, but not a BAD one.  It’s not any worse than anything Taylor Hicks has ever done, so I figure it’s good enough to rock the country charts.

If I were judging, which I am of course but not in an official capacity, I would hand the win to Jess and Kanye without having to think twice about it.  I hate to say it because I want to squeeze his little cheeks and take him home and make him sleep at the foot of my bed, but I’ve got Team Geek Johnny in last place.  That being said, the bridge is what really sucked, so I would definitely send Elvis home.  And not just because Johnny is adorable.  That bridge was a train-wreck.

After some time deliberating, it’s time to announce this week’s winners and losers.  Bionic Jewel calls up Team Johnny and Team Jackie.  I hope they’re not the top two, cause Jess and Kanye wrote a killer song this week.

One of you will be OUT!

Bionic Jewel asks Johnny if there were any arguments during the writing process.  Johnny mentions the whole bridge thing, but says that in the end he like it.

Team Jackie gets drilled about choosing country, and they all say that they all wanted to do it.  Way to suck as a team, guys.

The winner this week is:  Team Johnny.  Really?  I mean, I heart Johnny, but that song was stupid and disjointed.  Bonnie McKee says their song was very Jason Mraz, so I’m glad I’m not the only one who caught that.  Old White Guy says it was his favorite song of the whole season.

Is that a pack of Certs in your pocket…?

Bionic Jewel calls up Jess and Kanye, because who gets called up first makes no difference and no one cares.  Jewel says that team Jess didn’t write a pop song.  Bonnie calls them out on having confusing lyrics, and says that a pop song has to have lyrics that a four-year-old could understand.  Well, I must say that Miss McKee is a pro at writing pre-school level lyrics.

Your lyrics are too simple.  Your lyrics are too complex.  The people insulting your lyrics are fucking clown-shoes.

Bionic Jewel turns her laser sights on Team Jackie, and says their lyrics were very disappointing.  They say they had a lot of trouble deciding which of these two songs was the losing song.  After much deliberation though, team Jackie is declared the loser.  Well… I don’t think they wrote the worst song, but I don’t think that they were better than Team Jess, so it’s okay.

Kara calls them out the whole team on choosing country and then not really writing a country song.  Bionic Jewel wanting heart-ache and pain and feelings.  The lyrics are trite and blahblahblah.  Jackie blames Scotty for a lot of the problems.  Kara asks who wrote the melody for the chorus, and Jackie and Scotty fight over taking credit for that.  Jackie does say that Sonyae helped out a lot, but there’s no point throwing someone under the bus if they have immunity anyway.

I work for Jorbacca, dammit!

The judges send everyone back to the PH Stew Room, where the bickering between Scotty and Jackie continues.

Jorbacca sucks and your hat isn’t even wacky

Oh hey, I guess Bravo doesn’t find a whole lot of interesting stuff in the bickering, because it’s already time for judging.  Jackie gets told her lyrics lacked emotion and story-telling.  Scotty gets scolded for not contributing to the lyrics, which are vital to any country song.

And the contestant going home tonight is:  Jackie!

Should have kept the fuzzy hat

Okay, it was probably her time, even though I think she’s a much better writer than Scotty.  She’s been in the bottom so many times.  Bionic Jewel tells her that she’s very talented, and she would totally listen to her songs.  Old White Guy says he’ll keep an eye on her and that she’s got what it takes to make it.

And Scarecrow… I’ll miss you most of all

Jess continues her streak as Hug Ambassador, and cries a lot.

Psst!  Quirky! Is this a bad time to tell you I’m in love with your boyfriend?

Jackie is sad and frustrated to be going home, but the show’s not over yet.  Once Jackie leaves, in walks Jewel to deliver a twist.  Their next challenge starts now!  And they have two hours to come up with as many hooks as they can.  That’s all the info we get because the show’s over, but the preview for next week shows Kanye having a diva melt-down, so we totally have that to look forward to.

Leather jacket?  Check.  Misplaced feelings of entitlement?  Check.

Well kids, are any of you sad to see Jackie go?  I am, because I found her rather entertaining.  I think Elvis and Scotty have both shown tremendous amounts of mediocrity, and there’s still a “song-writer” left who can’t play a fucking instrument.  Buncha crap, that is.

Anyway, here’s your puppy porn for the week.  There’s lots, cause my girlfriend brought two of her puppies over and they’re cute as hell, so they’re going up along with the regular pups.  Enjoy!

This is Tough Guy

This here’s Ladybug

And of course you all know Chase

And Stella, the emo basset hound

Okay kids.  Till next week… Stay classy.