Long after the shards of latex have been flushed and the quiet sobbing has ceased, comes baby. Or some nonsense about love and marriage, it depends who you ask, really. Now what future mommies are asking for is attention. It’s not enough that they have daytime television, yoga and Mrs. Field’s Cookie stand to themselves, they’re asking for more. One woman is brave enough to take them on… it’s Rosie Pope, Maternity Concierge, Professional Masochist and your entertainment for the next hour on Pregnant in Heels.
The cutest babies are the ones that look like NASCAR entries.
Mrs. Pope is a entrepreneur, a designer and a visionary, she saw a need in her Upper East Side community — and for the same fee as it takes to get 4 of the original 5 Spice Girls to play at your daughter’s Sweet Sixteen — she is willing to fill it. When NYC mommies are not content to restrain the bitching about their cankles to Sunday Brunch, Rosie is the woman they come to. In addition to her boutique of maternity clothes, she has a “Mommy Prep” location as well as being the Lincoln Lawyer of Manhattan’s knocked up nutcases.
Mom Prep used to just be a $9.95 copy of “What to Expect When Expecting” and some throw pillows.
These Million-Dollar Mommas (Rosie’s term, I would call them Prissy Pregzillas) can call Rosie 24/7. Assisted by Hollywood Montrose and Ginny Weasley the staff of Rosie Pope Maternity also translate for clients when Rosie’s swollen tongue makes her totally inaudible.
The series seems like it will mostly be following Rosie’s consulting business as a maternity concierge. Rosie won’t just make her money telling these millionaires exactly where they can stick their breast pump, she’ll be assisting them with the impossible. We meet the first couple, Sarah and Jon, “Internet Millionaires” with a TriBeCa loft that still doesn’t have… a nursery! Will the baby be forced to sleep in the sink? Will they have to scour the streets of Manhattan stealing the plastic bag collections from bums in able to provide a bed for the tot? Nah, they have guest bedroom in their loft, they just haven’t bothered to do anything yet. John and his extensive collection of pastel tops and Sarah with her cutting edge technique of carrying the child in her upper arms (how Zeus-like) are just too innovative and cool for a nursery. Their apartment is too cool for a nursery.
Look at these fucking kid-sters.
Enter Rosie. She arrives at the loft to discuss the predicament with parents-to-be. Sarah is due in about four weeks, and she’s looking forward to the arrival of the “life force sucking parasite.” New baby stuff is so ugly and they want Rosie to make a nursery “that doesn’t cramp our style.”
Rosie is pro-baby’s choice.
Rosie wants to get a read on them, Jon says they’re “bumbling into parenthood”. They’re severely “bummed” that baby stuff is just so “baby-fied.” Rosie obviously thinks they’re retarded. Babies need a large range of sounds and colors and lights to stimulate their brain. After a baby IQ test that further proves that these parents-to-be are disgusted by babies, Rosie is ready to see the lair.
On the tour Rosie sees that they have purchased a crib, they have a room for the baby, but the show room at IKEA would be a better location to house an infant. They haven’t bother to spend a penny of their fortune on diapers, clothes or toys for the kid.
But they already bought the kid his first iPad.
Jon takes some time out from losing his hair to tell Rosie that when he was “growing up in the 70′s, it was made clear that I was not the center of the universe. I was just a long for the ride.” Rosie disagrees with this philosophy of parenting… She’s further disheartened to learn that Sarah does not feel like she’s bonded with Baby Boy Barnacle yet.
Rosie crosses her fingers and prays to the to Urban Gods of American Apparel that Sarah and Jon are able to accept a serving of enlightenment and balance with their new space.
The town car rolls and Ginny Weasley calls Rosie with her new assignment.
Mitch and Samantha are a “power couple” — the best power couple YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF. She’s a “branding expert” and he’s New York’s entrepreneur of the year. They have some Ivy league degrees and invites to political fundraisers and they think they’re enough of a big deal to call in Rosie to help them name their third child.
We were considering naming him “Yale”, but I think that’s too controversial.
The professional blowhards have decided they haven’t named their two girls as “successfully” as they could have. Little Ruby and Ella are expecting a baby brother and they have to get this name RIGHT. It’s the first impression he’ll give to the world. After the fact that his douche bag parents went on television to name him.Samantha says that she feels like Rosie can help them “marshal the resources to put together the marquee name.”
This kid already has this woman’s DNA — how is a name going to correct that?
They want to take the baby naming process to a whole new (and obscenely wasteful) level and gather a focus group to pick a name.
Back with the parents of the parasite, Rosie is shopping. Sarah is overwhelmed by the stroller selection in the store and nearly collapses when Rosie suggests that she start wearing wedges, so she can more stably hold the child and handle the stroller. Sarah finds a rocker she likes and gags at the sight of a teddy bear. They’re still not really exciting about decorating for baby and Rosie is concerned. That they may be dementors.
Back in the land of the out of touch Ivies, Rosie is seated with her panel of name-experts and she’s briefing them on the process Mitch and Samantha expect. They’re looking for a high-powered baby brand, so to help them do that Rosie has assembled a team of experts. The panel consists of her assistant, Hollywood, for his “arty-ness” and the Senior Director of Landor, a Brand Consulting Firm. She’s also pulled in a linguist, a poet, an editor, a couple of baby bloggers, a millionaire and his wife — and they’re ready to go.
Two snaps up.
They start with the parents’ rules, no J’s or I’s or R’s, no names ending in S’s and no decorative names. The panel takes the challenge and they start throwing out names. Everything is too trite or sounds too… poor. Rosie says “the problem with Samantha and Mitch is that they think so highly of themselves that they don’t really want anyone else’s opinion.” Which is exactly what they do, not except anyone’s opinion. Despite high praise for the names Asher, Holden and Miles — Stitch and Bitch keep returning to some names they’ve selected, Bode and Bowen — because they like the nickname “Bo.”
At the end of the lop-sided discussion, Samantha thinks she has some finalists, which includes the name Bowen — which may have been the only name that not one person has liked. (FORESHADOWING!!)
In TriBeCa Rosie has enlisted a Dr. Ryan to make a stop at Sarah and Jon’s to get them in touch with their baby and separate Jon from his deep-V necks. The appearance of Dr. Ryan has caused some tension in the highly stylized pad. Sarah is offended at Rosie’s assumption that she needs a therapist. They all agree to sit down and with a couple minutes of cleverly edited therapy, the couple admits that they’re anxious about the arrival of the child and are in denial.
They do seem to have emotional clutter…
Rosie tells Sarah that her apartment is big (fat upper arm) FAIL. As Jon gives Dr. Ryan the eye, Sarah has a little bit of a break through. She’s not effective at copy with stress and she’s using “experiential avoidance” to deal with the anxiety of parenthood. The couple aren’t embracing the excitement of the new baby because they’re busy mourning their independence and their hardwood floors.
Back up town, Rosie introduces her struggles with fertility. She has a two-year-old son and a heart shaped uterus. She’s currently shooting up Tigerblood in order to get pregnant.
When Rosie is back at work, she’s finished assembling the second phase of the name game. She has the focus group go through the top 5 names that Mitch and Samantha have decided on (under advisement of Stage 1′s experts, or not really at all) and 5 they hate, just to challenge them.
“To have a focus group debate a baby name they would debate a toothpaste flavor… is just so much fun.” Samantha says.
So much fun = Selling your unborn baby’s soul
The panel is behind the glass and Mitch and Sam are seated to watch the critique. Without recapping each name and the terrible commentary again, I’ll just tell you that Rosie was not smitten with these clients, she totally knows what up, “when the focus group agrees with them, they love the focus group, the focus group is the best thing that ever happened to them — when they pick apart names they like, they’re just not their type of people.”
“Bode — like toad?” one group member says. (It’s supposed to be pronounced like Cody, like Bode Miller) They don’t hate the name, they also really end up liking Asher, Holden and Miles. They hate Bowen. It has no meaning. It’s just odd.
Samantha and Mitch have selective hearing, but have heard enough to decide that they need their friends opinion — really. So on to round 3 with the three front runners so far.
The TriBeCians meet Hollywood who has arrived with Rosie to revamp the nursery. Rosie has decided to shock them into submission and wants the couple out so she can finish the nursery. When they return they love the hipster kidster space. Even the bright color play mat Rosie has included on the floor under the wall of Space Invaders wall decals. In the end it’s a nursery even Mr. Brainwash would love.
The final stage of the naming of the President of Bellevue Psychiatric Ward 2060 is upon us. The final selections are Asher, Miles and Holden. In a moment of weakness Samantha puts on her biggest, most transparent smile and announces that they can also consider Bode, Bowen or Tucker, take the whole process a step backwards. As Rosie consider her charge for second generation brown-nosing the crowd generally booing the choice of Bowen. Not one supporter in the crowd. In general Asher is the favorite. However, when Rosie returns a couple weeks later to meet the new face of the branding, the choice is revealed. After all the hard work what have they selected?
And even worse, when she pops in at the parasite’s pad, she meet the newest Internet Millionaire… baby Fox.
So what did you think of Rosie’s premiere on Bravo? Will you stick around for the whole season? Does she stand up to the Bravo-celebrity standard?