Pregnant in Heels: A Spot of Tea and bit of Dog Pee

On episode three of Pregnant in Heels, Rosie faces the end of her IVF treatments. Although she’s facing a stressful time personally, retail won’t relent. She takes on ClientMichelle who is anxious to claw her way into high society and ClientRobyn, who is ready to claw someone’s eyes out. Anyone. For any reason. Really.

Mrs. Pope is enlisted to plan Robyn wedding as the MILLIseconds tick down on her pregnancy. The kid could drop before the bouquet on this week’s episode of Pregnant in Heels.

The double-wide ones make Rosie nervous…

At the store, Rosie is conferring with Ginny Weasley about business when Robyn waddles in. A moment Rosie will come to regret… Robyn is obviously way, way, way into her pregnancy. Her unborn child is the super-senior, the Van Wilder of the unborn. She’s a human weeble and she’s come to Rosie for help with her wedding.

You’re going to have to plan an outfit for the baby, too.

Despite being ready to push out a 4th grader, Robyn intends to have a wedding. She sits down with Rosie to tell her the full story. When Robyn was 37 she had her eggs frozen, as luck would have it, one year later she met the man (?) — Does anyone else feel like that’s a hasty categorization? — of her dreams. One year into dating they decided to get married, then decided there was no time to waste when it comes to baby, so they proceeded into IVF treatments with Robyn’s frozen eggs. The first round of treatments took, and 8 months later they decided to plan a wedding.

Cute couple… if you squint hard enough.

*OK, the one thing that I can’t reconcile about this show is that all these women are high powered, A-type, highly educated women and they wait until 8 & 1/2 weeks to plan large events? They micromanage their dog walkers, but are wishy-washy about wedding dates? It doesn’t make sense to me. But for the sake of the show, we’re going with it.

Back to the action — Robyn has decided to succumb to the pressure and give up what she calls the “LA style” family structure (baby then wedding), in favor of the classic shotgun wedding (wedding then baby – no matter the circumstances).

Rosie reiterates that she doesn’t usually do weddings for her expectant mothers but she’ll do anything… but this is on another price list. Rosie asks Robyn to “pencil me in for the rest of your pregnancy, and we’ll get this done.” Robin agrees and Rosie’s fate is sealed.

After the credits Rosie is in her town car rolling to her next destination, the home of Michelle, second time mom and Director of PR and Special Events for Wedgewood. Michelle wants assistance asking her boss to be the godfather of her child. Rosie giggles, claims she has this handled and turns up at Michelle’s door.

Michelle has a luxurious, but busy life.

Michelle may be Christy Masters from Romy and Michele… Anyone?

Fancy job, financial fat cat husband to pay the bills, gay “Day” husband to feed her compliments and help her shop for hosiery that will keep her pantyline-less well into her third trimester.

He sees her naked more than her actual husband.

They (‘they’ meaning Michelle and her two husbands) want to ask Lord Wedgewood, Ambassador for Waterford Wedgewood, and Michelle’s boss, to be the godfather of her new baby girl. Michelle says they’ve become “great friends at work,” and want to take it to another level by making Lord Wedgewood a party of their family. And consequently, making her child part of his family. His royal family. The Royal Family.

Does shameless social climbing induce premature labor? Michelle better hope not.

Michelle thinks that Rosie will be the perfect person to ask since she’s British, she’s a baroness and she has her own television show which is filming now.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Michelle greets Rosie at the door and asks her in to have a seat and meet Steven, her “Day Husband.” Rosie graciously greets the couple (?) and Steven goes on to tell the camera that since the day they met two years ago, they’ve been inseparable. Steven feels like they’re both having this baby. They’re both having food cravings for Taco Bell too…

French Bulldog pups for all!

Rosie asks how Michelle’s legal husband feels about Steven, and Michelle gushes that her husband adores her “Day/Gay Husband.” She and Steven will be speaking/making decisions/causing psychological damage on behalf of all three of the parents/honorary parents.

For Serious?

Michelle lays out her wishes for her daughter. She wants her in on Lord Wedgewood’s heritage. When Rosie finds out that the potential godparent is British Royalty, she immediately knows that Baby Girl could benefit from his name and be introduced into another world. A world of nobility, a world of elegance, a world slightly tinged with inbreeding… but anyway.

Rosie is ready to prepare an etiquette lesson for Michelle and Steven. RoPo admits that she used to be BARONESS RoPo before “moving to the United States and marrying a Southerner.” That seems to be a tease to a better story line than an Upper East Side social climber with laugh that could cause seizures.

NO ONE else will have them.

Steven proposes that they take Lord Wedgewood to a bar and Rosie objects, it absolutely has to be discussed over tea. She wants them to brush up on their baking, because they should prepare the meal of scones and spotted dick for the Lord.

Lord… here comes the spotted dick-jokes, you’re thinking. You’re right, but I’ll spare you the material Bravo came up with… so before Steven has the opportunity to recycle a couple Bruce Vilanch bits, Rosie rolls out with the promise to meet them for a prep tea soon. She’s on her way to face Robyn, supervillian.

Hah-Huh-Uh-huh. You said dick.

At Robyn’s apartment she is abusing her fiance, he’s forced to try to get her heels on her bloated feet. She can’t reach her feet anymore. She’s a long way from the days of kitten heels and cocktail dresses. I would assume she’s be a better fit on Rosanne Connor’s plaid couch, accessorized with a bag of off-brand cheese puffs.

What doesn’t kill us will make us stronger…

Robanne’s fiance Mark goes on to point out that her feet aren’t the only thing that’s expanded. Her ass is huge too.

Rosie arrives and starts to discuss Robyn’s stress. Robanne admits that there are some issues aside from the shotgun wedding and the questionable groom. Her doctor discovered that she has gestational diabetes and she has to control her diet for the remainder of her pregnancy. Rosie asks Robyn about her weight gain and Robyn admits that between the hormone therapy and the pregnancy, she’s packed 80 pounds on to her 100-pound frame.

Robyn is concerned about her condition, but not enough to keep her out of the kitchen cabinets. Rosie insists on doing a survey of her kitchen and she quickly finds candy and cupcakes. Robyn continues to insist that it’s Mark’s sweets and she won’t eat them. She makes excuses for her weight and her lack of initiative when it comes to her diet and exercise routine, she’s happy to use the “common sense” approach to dietary planning. Yum Yum = Nom Nom hasn’t worked out, thus far…

Robanne says that the stress is compounding her weight issues — had the wedding not “come up” she would have had time to dedicate to taking care of herself. But since she’s such a people pleaser, she’s taking on the wedding with 4 weeks left before her due date.

Back in the safety of RoPo Maternity, Rosie in the couch with Hollywood and Ginny positioned around her…

Vogue!

…they’re discussing the options for the weeble wedding dresses. RoPo is talking out the design of the dress while Hollywood is posing behind her in his ode to bridesmaids dresses. Ginny’s happy to be included in a shot. Or included in anything.

Rosie is stressing about the shortened time line and the limited amount of sanity that Robyn has left. Robyn’s dress has to be forgiving… it has to be the Mother Theresa of dresses. Rosie continues to chant, ‘it’s a white dress, just a white dress, we can do it…’ as tries she tries to push the image of Robyn’s bared fangs from her head. Fingers crossed… it will work out. Hollywood is trying out a new catch phrase, and says “A+ REALNESS!” which (loosely) translates to “We’ll do it, or we’ll lose our throats.”

Steven and Michelle arrive at Mommy Prep where the Queen is waiting to have a practice tea. Sorry, that’s not the Queen — that’s Hollywood in his best purple bow, in homage to Tootsie in high society.

Tootsie 2: Miss Michaels Abroad

Rosie begins her lessons on high tea. You know how New Yorkers adore a theme party, so high tea holds Michelle and Steven’s attention for about 30 seconds. Rosie tells them it’s important to lay off the compliments, don’t ever turn your back on a royal, and instructs them on how to lay out the service.

Michelle and Steve giggle and Steven rolls his eyes about the ridiculous traditions those pale people have been cultivating for years! He sighs, then he adjusts his ascot and inhales a biscuit. Rosie has some spotted dick out for them to sample. Steven gobbles his dick before Rosie tells them what exactly they’re eating. Michelle fidgets in her seat and tries to place the taste of the dick… it tastes lemony.

Only when surprised.

Rosie says this is spotted dick and it’s a traditional dessert and she wants them to practice baking it for Lord Wedgewood. Rosie gives them some final tips about brewing the tea… she tells us that she could hire a caterer, but the British do it themselves, (when there’s not a colony on hand) so Michelle and Steven should make the effort.

Rosie arrives at Robyn’s apartment with a nutritionist in tow. Mark answers the door and invites them in and then sits down with the ladies to review Robyn’s situation. Robanne has had some time to develop her story about the “chemical imbalance” that caused her weight gain. Mark tries to chime in but is shut down…

She’ll speak for the majority…

Robanne is not willing to introduce eye-witness testimony to her craziness. Rosie tries to call Robanne’s bluff about her food stores. Robyn insists that “some things just look cute in my cabinets.” RoPo is wants to see if the levels of sprinkles have diminished since her last visit, so she takes to the kitchen.

Robyn shrugs and sits down at the kitchen table. She’s ready to face her accusers… in turn, she accuses the nutritionist of having her own eating disorder. Skinny-bitchitis, I believe it’s not contagious.

When the ice cream and cupcakes are pulled out into the harsh fluorescent light, Robin has to admit that she’s indulged. She previously told Rosie that she wasn’t tempted by the stale pastries but, “I took a bite and it wasn’t stale,” Robanne says.  The food is trashed and Robyn is offended that the hired help wiped her out of lollipops and pork rinds.

Busted.

Rosie stays and asks the couple to put on their workout clothes. She’s not done with today’s effort — she brings them to Central Park to meet with one of her best trainers. Robyn is not pleased with the prospect of a workout, she just wanted Rosie is find her a dress. While she’s regretting her decision to tear up the waiver for Say Yes to the Dress,  the trainer is bouncing around ready to push Robyn into a workout. In the course of the afternoon Robanne refuses to squat, stretch, lay flat, or run. She can’t cross her legs and she can’t stop bitching about it.

All downhill from here.

The next day Rosie is off to have her fertilized embryos implanted and she’s very nervous. She’s scared and she’s frustrated that she has no control over the situation. She just has to wait and hope that she get knocked up this time out.

When she’s back at the shop, Rosie announces Robyn’s fitting to her staff. LT is prepped for the Pregzilla onslaught by dressing like Clark Griswold from the waist up and Christie Brinkley from the waist down. MISDIRECTION!

Robin arrives, with her equally scary sister and mother, for the fitting. Robyn is unhappy with the dress, she thinks it looks too much like a robe. Meanwhile her girls are rolling out of the side of the wedding dress and she’s making absolutely no attempt to contain them. They’re like Tremors ready to erupt from the fabric. Rosie says they’ll sew a bra into it, but Robyn wants it done right now. She says that she is from NYC, she’s used to people being “on”, being quick. A size 34 dress in week wasn’t impressive enough, she was expecting body armor.

In Michelle’s kitchen, she and Steven are attempting the spotted dick. Steven takes the helm and a couple of drinks (In his words “Papa likes the grape”) before taste-testing his cake.

CREEP!

Steven and Michelle manage to make English food slimier and more bland than a pub in Henley. Who wouldn’t want to try that… ooze.

That looks more like taco dip.

Rosie is at home hoping to enjoy a night with her son when she get a call from Robanne. Robyn took her wedding dress to a tailor, to “fix the thing.” The tailor butchered the dress and now she has nothing to wear for the wedding tomorrow.

Rosie takes the new well and doesn’t even tell Robanne she can wrap herself in tarp for for all she cares, she pledges to find another dress for her. And then call her accountant and create a job code that will double the cost of all services provided in conjuction with a wedding.

Michelle and Steven are headed to Rosie’s store to get Michelle a “Diana” dress for tea with Lord Wedgewood. When they arrive Hollywood has some dress options for Michelle, but Steven is jealous immediately and jumps up to intercede. He tells LT that Michelle “doesn’t want direction from a man in a jumpsuit.” She prefers a man who looks like an overinflated Sam Champion.

Mine.

LT’s jumpsuit has enraged him so much that he comments, “what does LT stand for? Little Testicles?” Little tolerance Stevie? Maybe LT was offended by your  David Rasche/Daytime TV higlights, every think of that STEVE-VEN?!?!

Steven is done sharing the “FABULOUS” spotlight, and he’s quite pleased that Michelle has settled on a dress he picked out, so he’s ready to leave. I’m ready to be rid of these two, so we’ll just cut to the park.

RoPo has arranged for the Wedgewood tea to take place at Belvedere Castle in Central Park.  Rosie meets Steve and Michelle there to check thier work. The cake is disgusting, but it’s the best they’re going to do, so RoPo makes a couple adjustments and wishes them luck.

No refunds.

Not long after Rosie’s departure, they hear the clacking of Lord Wedgewood’s shoes coming up the path. There’s hardly any time left to cut the crusts off the sandwiches and de-puss the cake, or stick their fingers in any more of the food offerings –they turn and smile and greet Lord Wedgewood.

Stephen backs out as if in a Monty Python sketch. Nice touch, douche.

LW sits down and he perfectly polite, he eats the gross dick and even manages to be honored that he’s asked to be the godfather to Michelle’s baby. He accepts. Michelle has herself a Wedgewood heir.

Almost.

It’s the day of Robyn’s wedding and she’s… she’s exactly what you would expect. She’s screaming and making demanding and threatening Rosie’s life if she doesn’t magically appear with the perfect dress. When Robanne has shouted herself out, she sits down, staring at the door waiting for Rosie to walk in with her dress. Rosie does come through with a dress and Robyn in appeased. Until her mother attempts to re-do her own hair, at which point Robyn flies off the handle threatens her mother-in-law to be, calls her own mother ugly and is distracted enough to not notice that her dog has pissed on her dress.

The dog pee she shakes off like it was a raindrop and she’s ready to go. I freak out more when condensation from air conditioning units fall on my in the streets of Manhattan.

What’s a little pee between friends?

Rosie watches the whole debacle in horror, but just slowly backs out of the room, never turning her back on the royal bitch.

Totes.

While at Robyn’s reception Rosie hears from the doctor’s office. The first pregnancy test came back positive. It could be a result of the hormone therapy, or she could really be pregnant. She’ll have to wait a few days and then take another test.

While Rosie is waiting to take another test she needs to keep herself occupied… luckily The Robanne Show is headed into the third act: Robyn in Labor. Rosie arrives at the apartment and Robanne is ready to go to the hospital and she’s wearing the wedding dress that Rosie made for her.

ER couture.

It’s nice to get another wear out of it. Rosie gets in the car on Robyn’s command and watches as Robyn screams, Mark talks to himself, and Robyn’s mother mutters nonsense. It’s like a field trip for the inmates of Bellevue psychiatric.

Robyn does manage to squeeze out a human baby and Rosie visits Miss Camden Rose Coen a few days later. They child has been named after the city with the percentage of murderers as her immediate family, sweet.

Michelle has also popped out a girl, Elle. She thought that name would fit in better than “Bruiser” in the Royal Family tree.

So ends another round of clients in Rosie’s world. What did you think of this week’s episode? Any chance Robyn’s child won’t hate her before she ‘s able to crawl? Could Michelle be more of a transparent sycophant? Thoughts, questions, comments?