Pregnant in Heels: Fertility Gods Are Jerks

Hey hey, Gasmii.  TheMiki here, taking a TLC ordered break from Sister Wives to fill in for Medusa on this demonstration on why we should sterilize the wealthy.  A quick caveat… I’ve never seen this show. I have no idea who any of these people are.  I read over the recaps but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna watch more than one episode of this drivel, so my apologies if my lack of knowledge becomes apparent during this recapping.  Let’s get on with this crap-fest, shall we?

We open with LT, the store’s assistant and possibly the gayest man I’ve ever seen in my life.  He’s dressed like those guys that used to do Men on Film for In Living Color.

Hated it!

He’s dancing around like a tool, and drags Hannah up from her desk to give her a dance lesson.  Dude, just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can dance.  Now the fact that you’re black AND gay and still can’t dance is pretty sad, but stop giving lessons to awkward white girls RIGHT NOW!

She’s already a ginger. Don’t make her life any harder.

In walks Rosie Pope, a “Maternity Concierge.”  She looks terrifird.  Yikes.

I need to start drinking in the morning…

She demands to know what’s happening, and LT explains that they’re releasing stress.  LT says there’s no customers in the store anyway, and gets her to dance. Pope says that LT is, “Not only a fantastic stylist, but he brings lots of cheer and fancy pants into our store.”  Okay, normally girls with that accent can say just about anything and I find it adorable, but less than two minutes in and she’s already out-dumbed her cute accent allowance.  It’s gonna be a long sixty minutes.

It’s a good thing you’re super adorable.

Oh yay! Credits! Pope explains that she caters to her pregnant clients’ every need.  Hannah calls Pope and says that she has her first client. An over-surgically enhanced skanky chick who is pregnant with her first child.  She says she’s a control freak and everything is all about her.  Shocker.  She and her husband are having child-rearing issues because she’s Catholic and he’s Jewish.

Honey stop touching me, I just threw up in my mouth a little

Her pillows are made of sequins and her husband is wearing his pajamas as a shirt.  He tells Pope that he would really love for his wife to cook or clean because she does neither.  She says she doesn’t WANT to do either and they have HELP for that.

Sparkly pillows…

Super fashion forward husband

Pope whips out her “Mummy IQ Test” which starts with assembling a breast pump.  Overly enhanced Catholic bitch manages without too much difficulty and they move on to taking a tour of the house.  The first thing Pope notices is that there are four different strollers.  Catholic Bitchface says that she has an everyday stroller and then an active stroller that goes with her work-out clothes and an evening-wear stroller and an all-terrain stroller for when she just decides to shove the baby out into the wild to let it fend for itself.

Even I know this baby is screwed

Pope makes Catholic Bitchface try to fold up the strollers, which she fails miserably at.  Pope asks her for her concerns, and she says that she wants to raise her daughter Catholic and her husband is against it. She says she’s not giving in and that her daughter WILL be raised Catholic.  She says that they never discussed what faith they would raise their child in before they got married, but she always gets her way.  Yeah, she’s a peach.

This dress is for when I feed my child Pixie Stix…

Back at the store, Hannah is on the horn with Pope, and has her second client ready to go.  This future CPS person of interest is named Mina O and she’s due in a week and has never even touched a baby before. Mina says that she doesn’t work, her husband pays for everything and she loves to shop.  She has a purse dog who she talks to like a person, and says she’s been so busy that she, “Forgot to take infant care 101 or whatever that class is that everyone’s supposed to take.”  I think that class is called life, shoog.  Also, what the fuck were you busy doing?  You don’t have a job you lazy cow.

I can’t take baby classes when there’s a musical episode of Grey’s Anatomy on

Pope shows up at Mina’s house and Mina tells her that she will be hiring a nanny, but has absolutely no idea what she’s doing.  She whips out the basic questions on the Mummy IQ Test, which we get to see much more of this time because Mina hasn’t got a bloody clue what she’s doing.  I’ve seen three year olds be more caring and understanding with their dolls than this preg-tard.

Yeah, hold it like it’s radioactive. You don’t need parenting classes.

Pope goes to check out the nursery and sees that it’s a half nursery/half office.  She asks Mina what she needs an office for when she doesn’t work, and Mina looks confused.  Okay, aside from using the word “Fancypants” way too early in our introduction, I actually think I kinda like Pope. Her job is asinine, but she lives in New York and if someone doesn’t tell these rich housewives that their babies can’t breathe underwater then they’d all have to find out the hard way.

Handy wall art so Mina doesn’t have to remember her baby’s name

So Pope keeps looking around and finding horrifying signs of just how unprepared this woman is for motherhood.  When Pope points out that a wee-wee pad for the doggy isn’t hygienic with a baby crawling around Mina argues that the dog doesn’t know how to go outside and she’s gonna have to find a dog trainer now.  Seriously?  How helpless are you?  Jesus, I just want to reach through the TV and smack the shit out of this woman.  No job, no responsibilities, and still no time to train a dog or learn that babies shouldn’t have whiskey.

Please take me with you!!!

Pope says that she could call in a crew to fix the place up, but she wants Mina to do it so she can learn to be a mother. Methinks this will not end well, and could somebody please just get CPS down there now and save the baby from permanent brain damage?  Genetically, I don’t think it’s gonna have too many brain cells to spare anyway.

Wait, what was my name again?

Back over at the Catholic/Jew home Pope and LT show up and the husband leaves them alone to fuck up the house to shock Michelle into action.  She comes home to find toys and dirty baby crap all over the floor.  She looks pissed, and like she’s going to have a brain aneurism.  Pope tells her to clean the apartment up and then they’ll have a cooking class.  Michelle starts cleaning and bitching and then Pope presses a button that makes baby crying noises, which means drop what you’re doing and check on the baby.  Pretty sure Michelle is gonna have a melt-down. Awesome.

Yep, that’s about what my house looked like in college

Michelle has zero maternal instincts, but she does look to be trying and seems interested in at least making a minimal effort to be a real mother.  In contrast, let’s go look at Mina.

So I prepared by eating Bon Bons and not training my dog

Hey, nothing has been done to baby-proof the house.  Let’s all pretend we’re surprised, yeah?  Mina is saying that she has people who will come in to do that for her and it’ll be done before the baby get there.  Mina goes all super-bitch at the notion of picking up a hammer to nail something down.  You’d think that Pope had asked her to park her own car or something.

I’m a HOUSEWIFE and none of them housewives on TV do any hammering

Pope sits her down and tries to drill some sense into her, and makes a tiny bit of progress, but Mina still doesn’t see why she should know how to change a diaper.  One of Pope’s clients who clearly doesn’t give a crap about her child allows Pope to borrow her three-month-old baby so Mina can see what it’s like to hold a real baby.  She says she’s not strong enough and tries to pass the baby off to her hubby.  She tries to change his diaper. Pope asks if they have a diaper pad and Mina asks if they need one.  Seriously?  Good lord, stop reproducing!

Seriously. Are. You. Retarded?

After the diaper change Mina starts to warm up to the baby and says she thinks she’ll do okay just so long as she doesn’t get any poop on her. Haha. So she’ll be okay for approximately ten minutes.  After that maybe she can sell her baby to Angelina Jolie or something.

My baby isn’t gonna black, is it?

Pope has an adorable little boy, and she is watching ducks at the park with them and talking about the in vitro fertilization treatments she’s been going through so that she and her husband can have another baby.  See? God is a sick fuck. This obviously caring and attentive mommy has to go through hell to get pregnant, but those useless bags of saline get knocked up, no problem.

This is so precious that it broke my snark

Pope got pregnant, but it was an atopic pregnancy, so she had to terminate because those are life-threatening.  It’s super sad.  She had to have surgery to remove a fallopian tube, and she gets super teary-eyed talking about it and it sucks.  No wonder she’s so hard on these heinous skanks who don’t give a shit about the baby’s they’re having.  Sheesh.

Someone give this woman a baby!

Back over with Michelle, Pope has brought over a relationship expert to try and mediate the religious debate. Michelle does not disappoint with her tendency to be a controlling cunt-rag, and when being mean doesn’t work she busts out the water-works.  I’m onto you, manipulative bitch. Girls cry because it works!

Givememyway face is proving ineffective

Time to whip out the tears

They talk about baptizing the baby, and Michelle says if her husband doesn’t want to witness it then she wouldn’t care either way if he attended.  Understandably, he’s a little hurt by that statement.

Hellooooo!  I’m crying here!  Renounce your heathen god already!

There’s more crying and blah blah blah about how the kid might choose to become Jewish when she gets older.  Michelle seems to think she’s birthing a clone, and freaks out over any hint that the child may deviate from Michelle’s exact plan for her.  Oh yeah, that kid is gonna have an awesome childhood.  The mediators throw out the idea of having a baptism followed by a traditional Jewish baby naming, and both parents-to-be sound good with that notion. Yay!  Now there won’t be problems until the kid starts thinking for herself and wants to be a Buddhist and run off to Europe with her college roommate, Susan.

Just so long as she’s Catholic… What do you mean Buddhists can’t be Catholic?

Back with Mina, the unfit mother-to-be is getting fitted for a diamond baby bracelet that’s a traditional gift for new mothers who have too much money and no sense of responsibility.  What happened to giving new moms strollers and diaper genies?

Oh yeah, way more important than parenting stuff

Mina is getting ready to go have her scheduled C-section, and she wants pope there for support.  Pope, Mina, and Mina’s husband all head off to the hospital. Mina wants to make sure that if the baby gets wheeled out her husband won’t get any crazy ideas about where his loyalties lie and that he’ll stay with her.  Selfish. Fucking. Twat.

I’m not even gonna do any pushing, but I’ll need you way more than our baby does

At some other time on some other day (Bravo is being a bitch sketchy with the timelines) Pope is meeting Michelle, who is going into labor and heading to the hospital. Pope promises her an epidural the way that a parent promises a four-year-old ice cream if he’s a big boy and goes to get his shots.  Rich people are useless.

But I want my painkillers NOW!

The cab ride to the hospital is tense. Michelle is always a cunt-rag, but even I will excuse cunt-y behavior when someone’s in labor.

I’m making the most of my free cunt pass

Cut to post-birth. Michelle is holding her new little baby Sophia. She looks like pretty much every newborn baby on earth. Sorry.  They all look the same unless something is very wrong with them in general.  Pope brings them a gift. It’s a food processor to make baby foods, which may not be the best idea.  Who knows what kind of caviar and champagne mixtures Michelle will be trying to feed Sophia.

Awww… Interchangible caucasion baby

Oh hey, Mina had her baby too.  And he made it home alive, so I’m impressed.  Tyler is super cute, and Mina still clearly has no idea how to be a parent.  Pope holds him and talks about how much she wants to get pregnant again, and it’s still really sad that Mina can get knocked up and Pope can’t.  Mina is trying, but this poor little kid has an uphill battle ahead of him.  At least his daddy seems to be reliable and parental and all of that.

What’s he doing?  Is he yawning?  I hear that’s contagious.  Should I throw him?

Okay, that’s it for this week.  Next week Pope takes on a rich butt-rock sword collecting couple, so Medusa should have a fun episode to come back to.  I hope I did an okay job of filling in for her.  I’ll be back on Sister Wives just as soon as new episodes come back.  Until then, look for me filling in for whatever crap needs covering.  And here’s your puppy porn.

Sleepy Puppies

Stella doing her Emo CD Cover pose

Chase, showing off his lopsided ears