I missed last week — luckily TheMiki was available to jump in and put together a hilarious recap of the fourth episode of Pregnant in Heels — with the addition of puppy porn. Much thanks!
Last week’s episode didn’t deviate from the formula, much. One woman with too much time and money on her hands needs Rosie to solve a problem — a problem most people work out themselves because they don’t have the time or the means to hire a litigator when they disagree with their baby daddy. We are able to work through our issues on our own. By on our own, I mean we beat eat other with downed electrical wires or lawn furniture. We make it work.
RoPo arrives at her flagship store. (I assume there will a few Rosie Pope Maternitys springing up in the NJ malls — in the former location of Coconuts, across from The Limited and Orange Julius — in the coming months.) She’s talking to her staff, Hollywood and Ginny Weasley, about making RoPoMat the one-stop shop for pregnant women. RoPo tells us, “my business is warfare… I’m looking to stay ahead of the game by introducing more items and accessories into the store.”
Ginny pipes in to deliver 50% of her lines this episode to say that they received a new sample item. She raises up her hands and shows Rosie the white suspenders that a company is hoping to market to the maternity shops. Rosie and Hollywood are both aghast that someone would think that suspenders are practical for pregnant women, or that they wouldn’t want the option of having them bedazzled.
Gordon Gekko Maternity will *so* be stocked in these…
“Those suspenders are SO not what it’s about,” Hollywood tells us. What is it about? Capes! Just wait.
As they all laugh at the product and LT takes them out of Ginny’s hands and throws them away, I have to remind you that look has been working for Larry King for decades, and at last count Larry King has knocked up 17% of the earth’s women, and married 13%. FACT. Just something to consider.
It’s back to work for Manhattan’s hottest Maternity Guru, so where is she headed? JERSEY.
Born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes…
It’s time for her to crack into the Jerseylicious crowd, she is headed to Essex Fells, NJ — to the home of Carmela Soprano (ish) and Melissa, former model and first time mom.
Melissa is poised to tell us her story of woe, as one her staff members puts her shoes on for her. Woo woo, tear, tear. Melissa has suffered several miscarriages, but finally has a healthy baby who is due in a couple weeks. Instead of a baby shower, Melissa will be hosting a charity event at her… estate. We learn that Melissa’s massive, pretentious McMansion is getting a prominent role in this week’s episode, as Rosie rolls up to meet her co-star.
Melissa is telling us about her fabulous house and her amazing life when footage of her husband (the entrepreneur) is cut in. He shows us a picture of the couple on their wedding day, and makes a point of telling the camera that he married Melissa when she weighed 105 pounds. Nice guy. Does that house come with a room to store your tact? I guess not.
After meeting the husband and the house, we also meet the staff. There is a full staff of women there to attend to all of Melissa’s hormonal needs–
Who’s in charge of the cocoa butter application? No one? Let’s hire an esthetician then, too…
– plus a staff of contractors renovating the house for the baby and the baby’s party at the baby’s house.
Rosie arrives and takes a tour of the house. Everything is completely over the top, including the nursery. Since Melissa already knows she’s giving birth to Louis the XVI, she has the nursery pretty much finished.
The gilded ceilings may have been a bit much.
When Rosie asks to open the closet, Melissa responds, “you can definitely check out the first one.” Baby Boy Rococo has two closets, and the first is fully stocked with everything an infant, newborn-6 months, would need.
Or what seven infants, newborn-6 months, would need.
Back downstairs Rosie is meeting her sister-gurus. Melissa has prepared for the birth by hiring a house manager, a baby nurse, a prenatal educator, a trainer and doula. (Doula: trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period).
Doula-think that’s a bit much?
So Rosie will be the seventh member of Team Melissa, and the only one who is suspicious of why it takes a seven person team to prepare this woman for childbirth. World Series have been won with less… There are still places on Earth where women aren’t even given the comfort of a bed when in labor, and this woman is straight up inventing job descriptions so that she has moral support for the first time she has to change a diaper.
Rosie tells us, “there has to be something more behind this.”
My guess? The producers of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Rosie’s role will be to plan the charity event/fashion show that Melissa will be throwing in lieu of a baby shower. She wants Rosie’s name and clothing line more than her expertise — Melissa already hired the event planners. Serious.
RoPo is back in her town car when she gets her second call from Ginny. The Weaslet’s sister’s friend Lisa needs help. Lisa is a modern day Punky Brewster, but without the wealthy benefactor– she’s not the millionaire client Rosie is used to, but she does need her help. Lisa is a singer/songwriter and a bartender, her husband Steven is a touring musician (and a self described rock and roll outlaw, excuse you) and they’re having their first metal baby. They have a one bedroom apartment which needs a nursery and baby proofing.
“Hopefully she brought some beer,” Steven says when Punky announces RoPo’s arrival at their modest apartment.
Rosie arrives ready for the apartment tour, but all she finds is skulls and swords. There’s more novelty weaponry than in pop-up Halloween store. Steven is upset that Rosie is disrespecting his “he-man sword collection” and his “f*ck you, you f*ckin’ f*ck” bumper sticker collection.
They only have one bedroom and they’re considering putting the baby in the walk-in closet. Rosie objects, she wants the baby to have a space and window, it’s fine to put the crib in their bedroom.
There’s plenty of room once the props from Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses is moved to the basement.
Steven is obviously threatened and responds by giggling and mocking Rosie.
Always a lady, Rosie responds in kind…
Ha. Point, Pope.
Rosie has the couple dig in and start pulling down anything that could do heavy metal damage to an infant. Half way through the living room purge, Steven stops everything to say that he feels like this is too much of a change. Punky starts to cry, she doesn’t want Steven to resent her because she’s asking for these changes to be made.
Rosie steps in and says that their stuff doesn’t have to go, but it has to be managed because the baby’s safety is paramount. Their CD collection has to come down, but once the CD rack is bolted to the wall it can go back up. Rosie will redecorate the apartment and make sure it looks great and that is doesn’t pose the risk of falling alien skulls…
It’s time to cast for Melissa’s fashion show. Hollywood is on hand to help choose the models and he is in his element. He is intimidating the models in his sparkly purple cape.
He looks like Prince’s Super-Sidekick…
“They need to bring it, they need to bring it hard, and they need to bring it fiercely,” Hollywood tells us as he’s sashaying around without the hindrance of cankles and hemorrhoids. “Yes, deliver,” LT tells one model. “Deliver the look, not the baby.” In the end, they find five models for the runway show and Rosie is happy.
At Rosie’s apartment, she’s hanging out, de-stressing playing some Guitar Hero.
You know, casually…
Her husband Daron arrives to get the update about Rosie’s doctor’s appointment. Rosie has been cleared to start a new round of IVF. She’s still in pain after learning the last round did result in a pregnancy, but since it was an ectopic pregnancy, she couldn’t keep the baby. Daron consoles her and tells her that he thinks this time it will work, they’re destined to have more babies. Sweet moment, sweet moment, sweet moment…
cue the sighs from the audience…
… and back in the car and off to deal with Melissa.
Rosie is making “another” trip to NJ, as Bravo would have us believe, although she’s obviously wearing the same outfit as the first meeting. They also show scenes from “yesterday” (where Rosie is checking on the progress of the renovations in an outfit she’ll wear the day before the event) and Rosie sits down to discuss the process of IVF treatments and get the benefit of Melissa’s experience. Basically Melissa admits that it’s been hard and her douchebag husband told her that he blamed her for not being able to conceive.
I’m sure Rosie would rather discover skulls and swords than emotional abuse…
Rosie now understands that Melissa shields herself by having so many staff members on hand, because she’s married to one of the worst men on the planet who has the emotional maturity of a goldfish.
Replacing Osama Bin Laden on the Most Wanted Terrorist List? This scumbag:
I want him taken out and I want to see the pictures.
Melissa has staffed up so she wouldn’t have to deal with her husband, she’s hired her own emotional support.
Back at Punky’s pad, Rosie has taken over in order to redecorate.
Luckily Hot Topic has added a baby section.
She repaints and carves out a nursery in the corner of the master bedroom. She’s pleased with her work and she’s ready to return to the fashion show.
Rosie checks in on the construction projects in Essex Fells, NJ — judging from her outfit it could have been three days ago or the day before the event.
Isn’t this show enough of mindfuck? Why the lies, Bravo?
She leaves LT to put the runway together as she returns to (I’m gonna guess Queens, for) the rock and roll reveal.
You can take the sedan back to the city, I’ll just drive the time machine home.
Punky plus One have been away, but they return to see the changes to their apartment. Steven was resistant to change, but he agreed to the baby proofing renovations and now he’s expecting the worst.
Rosie leads the way into the living room and they both like it. It’s really the same living room, just clean and void of reproduction weaponry. In the bedroom Rosie has reorganized in order to accommodate the nursery in one half of the room. There’s even a mural which includes a rock’n'roll bunny.
All set for the little roadie to arrive.
The couple is happy, Rosie is happy, and if these two are smart enough not to name their child Ziggy Stardust, or Gwar-yth or anything… this kid will be happy too.
Back in Jersey the guests are arriving, although Melissa is not ready. Rosie has arrived with several dress options and she leaves Melissa to get dressed.
Outside the runway is still not assembled and the yard is a disaster. Rosie is on a rampage and the “event planners” are no where to be seen. Rosie dashes upstairs to tend to Melissa who doesn’t like the dress. She thinks she’s too big for the red option. RoPo presents her with another Rosie Pope Maternity dress and she doesn’t like the black option either.
Rosie convinces her that it’s perfect although Melissa feels likes she’s going a funeral. True New Yorkers will wear black to the beach in July, so Rosie shakes off Melissa’s complaints and heads into another room to make sure the models are prepped before heading downstairs to the party.
Rosie is at the bottom of the stairs for Melissa’s entrance, so she’s in the perfect position to see that Melissa emerges in a NON-RoPoMat dress.
You can’t see it in this picture, but she’s totally flipping Rosie the bird.
“She’s wearing a jersey muumuu with floral print…” Rosie tells us, not RoPo approved.
So after a big ol’ FU to RoPoMat, Rosie stands by awkwardly before heading to the back room to vent to LT.
“So she’s not wearing ANYTHING?” Hollywood says when Rosie tell him that Melissa isn’t wearing the dress they picked out. No, she’s not naked, Rose Nylund… LT is told before he says that he’s speechless.
“It was like a slap in the face with a wet fish,” Rosie says, but they have to get the fashion show on the FABULOUS road, so she shakes off the insult and heads to the yard.
The runway show goes well and Melissa even manages to wear a Rosie Pope Maternity dress on the runway. Melissa thanks Rosie for her help, and Rosie forgives her because they did take a lot of rich people’s money and Melissa has been through a lot.
Both babies have arrived and we’re spared the labor scenes. Punky has given birth to a baby girl and named her Emma. Thank god not Cherry Bomb or BlueBell Nesta RockStarlette or anything… Punky says that Steven was a great support for her in the delivery room. Rosie is so happy he’s matured. She presents Emma with her first piece of Rock and Roll gear and heads out.
In NJ Rosie stops in to meet Grayson — Who is the most Gollum-looking baby I’ve seen, ever. Let’s hope he outgrows that before he is ready for his second closet. Melissa is not surrounded by her staff, she admits that she really enjoys taking care of the baby herself.
That one’s not fully cooked.
That’s it for another glimpse into the world of the insane. What did you think of Melissa’s team of experts? How badly do you want to kick her husband’s ass? Will you be tuning in next week to see a middle-aged pregnant woman naked on a horse?