We’ve made it to the finale! It’s the last episode of the first season of Pregnant in Heels, and Rosie is ready to announce her big news to her staff. Hollywood and Ginny Weasley are poised to find out why she appears four months pregnant… it’s because, she’s four months pregnant!
LT sounds like a screeching balloon being chased by the Fratellis…
LT is shocked that his women’s intuition didn’t pick up on the balance of hormones in RoPo maternity. Or on the fact that is styling himself on the late great Bea Arthur.
Rosie kicks up her heels and rests as she sends Ginny to fetch the phone and she sends us into the opening credits. For the last time this season, we will be entering the high-class world of modern mothers to be — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. We’ve left reality and we’re in the world of the Upper East Side where Rosie is employed to find her clients apartments, GBFs, Royal Godparents, Booty Calls and the occasional pickle and ice cream midnight meal. This week, a slightly more mainstream request, DaddyPrep.
Rosie is charging enough money to make housecalls to the Hamptons. LawyerLucy and has overcome her testosterone levels and is having her first child with ActorMatt. Since MommaBear intends to return to work full time, DaddyMatt will be the primary care giver to their baby. They have an apartment in NYC and also a beach house in East Hampton, that’s where Rosie meets the couple.
Matt’s life… has been pretty free. His acting work is flexible, or nonexistent.
The only time the beer slogans are accurate…
His greatest performance piece is pretending to be in a heterosexual relationship with Lucy. The couple’s body language tells us… they just met. There is no back story on the couple… because they’re more awkward than Peppermint Patty making a pass at Charlie Brown…
These two look like they’ve been randomly paired up for a 3-legged race…
They’re the same height…
When Rosie arrives and asks for a tour of the Hamptons home, she sees the couple is totally unprepared to share their home with an infant. Not only are the outlets not covered, they’re not even finished. They’re as unprepared for a child as Matt is for full time job.
Rosie sits down with the couple to hear their expectations for DaddyPrep. Basically Matt is starting at ZERO. He’s never bathed or fed a child, he has less hands on experience than most 14-year old babysitters. Rosie looks on as the billable hours are added to the travel expenses on her mental spreadsheet…
She could sell these two on cooking classes for breast milk.
First matter of business is a Daddy IQ test. She asks Matt to detach the car seat from the stroller and collapse the stroller. He faces the stroller like it’s a loaded gun and begins to sweat like he’s been asked to provide W2′s from his last employer. After several minutes of muttering to himself and trying outwit the childcare industry equivalent of a 3-whole punch… Matt succeeds.
How do I teach him to “snap” or “go”?
Rosie says that when Matt looked at the “Snap’n'Go” stroller, she could see the fear in his eyes. “That’s the thing about being a dad,” she says, “you’re going to have to figure things out every single day.” On to the second task, he’s also asked to flex his problem solving dexterity and change a doll’s diaper. Matt stares at the diaper bag and tries to figure out his approach to the poop… when Rosie increases the psychological pressure and makes crying noises as Matt attempts to troubleshoot the situation. Matt gets the diaper off as Rosie starts screeching like the Alien birth.
In fatherhood… no body cares if you scream.
Matt finishes the diaper change and Rosie informs him that he needs to practice, she’s leaving the supplies, he needs to get better, fast.
Rosie is back in Manhattan and ready to meet her next client. MommaMichelle is high-powered news anchor who has a fabulous life. All her juice is in stem wear, all her shoes are stilettos. We have no other choice but to be impressed. She’s pregnant with her first child and she wants Rosie to find her the best nanny money can buy.
Someone classy, like orange juice in stemware-classy…
Michelle says, “Momma’s gotta keep it cute. Gotta get my nails done, keep my hair up…” She plans on staying hot and getting a full night’s rest even after the arrival of her son.
I want the BBC to make a show about my nanny, she’s so good.
Rosie arrives and sits down with Michelle, she asks what Michelle’s experience is with children: less than none… but what is she? She’s Fabulous! Both she and her husband work a lot and they like to be able to take in a show and attend an event, so the little popper can’t be too much of a hindrance. Rosie is either not shocked by this, or has enough Botox in her forehead to not react… she presses on and asks Michelle more personally what she’s looking for. Since her husband is Dominican and speaks Spanish fluently, they would like their baby to be raised speaking both English and Spanish. The nanny has to be bilingual. Since Michelle cherishes her hair and nails, they can’t be tarnished with household responsibilities, she wants a nanny that can cook. Lastly (but I suspect this isn’t least important) she wants the nanny to be modest and “have some age on her” she can’t be “hotter than Momma.”
If she has a hunchback, great!
Rosie is not unprepared for these requests, so she’s going to tap into her database and find some candidates for Michelle.
It’s time for the first round of nanny interviews, Hollywood and RoPo have prepared a “full-proof” speed-dating system for the candidates. They’re going to select three candidates from this round of interviews. Rosie thinks first impressions are important, so she asks general questions in the first round of questions and leaves Michelle to study the candidates…
-How many years of experience do you have?
-Can you cook?
-Do you know baby CPR?
-Are you going to wear that hootchie-ass outfit when seen in public with my child?
None of the candidates say anything too troublesome until the second round of questioning where Rosie asks more personal, borderline illegal questions….
-Do you drink at work? A smidgen.
-Have you ever been attracted to your boss?
-Would you let your boss set you up on a date? Michelle is offended that these candidate would presume they’re “girlfriends”…
-Can you sing? (which gives LT an opportunity to take a solo in the desk bell… step touch, step *ding*)
Rosie asks the candidates to step outside and she and Michelle speak about who is their favorites. They call everyone back in and Rosie takes half of them out like nothing, dismissed like a fat girl on bid day. It seems like they eliminated the younger women, or those who couldn’t cook they’re left with Merle-Jo, Deb and Hilda.
The cankles are a plus, the Kraft school of cooking is not…
Rosie arrives back in Long Island to prepare Matt for fatherdom with the help of BabyMika. “Sometimes in extreme situations I have clients that will let me use their children to teach other clients…” Rosie says. When the door bells rings and Matt answers, the situation seems… extreme.
He’s considering running, this could end like an episode of COPS.
Matt will be spending the day with baby Mika in an intensive DaddyBootCamp. Hollywood is taking MommyLucy to the spa while Matt says home to take care of the baby. Rosie has borrowed a baby from another client to give Matt a dose of his newborn reality. First up is a diaper change. Matt has misplaced the diaper bag, which means he has not been practicing… finally he locates the bag and starts to lay out the baby on the coffee table for a quick nappy change. Rosie suggests that the couch is a much softer surface for the soft-skulled Mika — Matt processes this information and looks for a soft surface.
Note: Also avoid train tracks, puddles and anywhere with broken glass.
Matt has avoided putting baby Mika on any pebbles or gravel, but she starts to cry anyway. Matt puts the diaper on backwards and he has to take his time putting the diaper back on the proper way. Rosie points out that if Matt had practiced, he would have done it right the first time and they could already be out of the house. Where stranger pay pity you… Rosie will not.
So now the loaner child is wailing and since Matt hasn’t bothered to interrupt his GTL to get supplies for their baby, they have no toys or strollers or seats to put the baby in. So Matt has to walk her around and distract her from her tantrum with the most interesting thing they have in the house. A tomato.
Matt played Tomato #2 in a Ranch Dressing commercial once.
So the kid is soothed and Rosie sets up the next task for Matt, he’s gotta do laundry, how will he do that? They try to put Mika in the Baby Bjorn, but that goes to Hell quickly. So while bouncing the baby on one hip and trying not to douse her in bleach, Matt tries to change the loads of laundry. Matt and Lucy are also having people for dinner and Matt hasn’t shopped for any supplies. He and Rosie, the baby and the half constructed Baby Bjorn have to go to the store.
More experience than Matt.
Matt’s brain stalls again when they get outside to the car and Rosie asks, “Where’s the car seat?” Matt seems to be processing the information, but somehow this is the visual we’re left with.
Eventually Matt works through enough of the variables to get the baby in the car seat, hooked into the back seat and not the trunk and they’re off to the store. When they return Matt has wilted a bit. His mother-in-law is there, willing to help, but Rosie doesn’t want Matt to become reliant on her to take care of the baby. “I have all the time in the world, normally.” He says as he continues to run in and out of the kitchen. Rosie keeps the heat on and Matt, who manages to get some more laundry done and downgrade the dinner plans to take-out and wine before Lucy and Hollywood return from their day at the spa.
Matt was completely overwhelmed by the day’s tasks. His concealer is running and he’s stammering when he tells Rosie that it’s scary.
He’s in mourning for his life as a cabana boy…
When all the guests arrive Matt has to say goodbye to Mika. He’s really become attached to her in one day, but in the end she reaches out to him as Rosie carries her off. Ok, it’s cute.
Back in Manhattan Michelle is ready to conduct the second round of interviews. Hilda is first, Michelle tries to converse with her in Spanish and Hilda says “Excuse Me” and Michelle laughs and starts babbling about how her Spanish isn’t THAT bad! So Michelle is a little defensive and Hilda may have lost points for innocently asking her to repeat what she said… but she brings them a lentil salad and chicken to try. Both Rosie and Michelle are happy with her.
Maybe you’re speak the fabulous-dialect.
Next is Deb who also speaks Spanish, but she didn’t bring a prepared dish. Michelle’s eye widen when she’s there’s no food offering and she starts eyeing Deb like she’s a Slim Jim. Rosie likes that Deb doesn’t discipline with time-outs, Rosie tells Michelle that the MommyCommunity has turned against the practice of time-outs, they feel it’s humiliating. Like the stocks. Or like speaking horrible Spanish on television.
Where’s the beef?
Merle-Jo is the third candidate but she’s late.
Rosie starts to get wigged out. MJ finally arrives about 20 minutes late and says that the shopping was great today. Michelle smiles, but Rosie starts to envision MJ’s head in flames. Merle-Jo knows about how to introduce foods to a child and she’s also a good cook. Michelle likes her but when it’s time to consult with Rosie, she says she can’t get past MJ’s late arrival and piss-poor excuse, she’s out. The third round will be Hilda v. Deb.
We flash back to Hollywood’s time with Lucy. They’re in a cabana on the beach and LT announces they’re there to get Lucy’s “Queen Victoria” waxed. In Matt and Lucy’s case, I don’t know who will benefit from his — but LT holds Lucy’s hand as she gets the jungle cleared.
The third round of the interview is the Toddler Olympics. Each nanny-candidate will conduct play time with a borrowed toddler. Deb handles the diaper change and the meltdown well, but when it’s time for a snack Deb falls into Rosie’s trap and bypasses the fruit and veggies and gives the kid cookies. She wins some points back when she reaches for sunblock. All the judges are impressed.
But she’s still a bit pitchy.
Hilda is also doing well, she handles a meltdown and Michelle notes that she’s fun and compassionate, but Deb may be better. She hit the sunscreen, the diaper change and the fun/compassion. Michelle feels better about handing her future baby to Deb. She decides to hire Deb, over Hilda.
Rosie’s back to see Matt and Lucy’s newborn daughter, who they’ve named Malibu Taylor. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH. Capital UUUUUUUUUUGH. Worst name of the season.
If we had known, we would have tried to stop them. So sorry!
Love, The Rest of the World.
RoPo also gets a visit from Michelle who has given birth to baby boy Malcolm. And they award her a whistle to scare her nanny… so sweet.
Rosie is ready for her own baby news, she’s on a rooftop bar (like the one where she met Daron) to find out the sex of their baby. So she must be at least 12 weeks in at this point… and it’s a boy.
That wraps it up, we made it. Do you think this show has a prayer of another season? Where you as distracted as I was by the sloppy-ass editing and retarded timelines? Anyone want to join me for food-babies and a stop by the RoPoMat shop this summer? Let me know…