Pregnant in Heels: Trial by Poop

Last week Rosie Pope, Pet Detective was catering to some truly heinous couples who paid her an insane about of money to tell them they need therapy. This week, on the second episode of Pregnant in Heels, the hemorrhoids continue to rage as she meets two more couples with invented problems. Unfortunately, one of the problems they invent is not, which car should I purchase for Medusa?

 

Rosie arrives at RoPo central, when Hollywood sashays to over to her to ask permission to leave early. His “band” has a gig and he has some last minute “errands” to run, “errands” means buffing his best leather leggings and getting a bikini wax. RoPo wants to know more about his life as a performer. “What are you calling the band these days?” she asks. A: Kiki twins. Because, THEY ARE FASHION. Fashion = Kiki. Hence Kiki Twins. Duh.

 

 

 

FASHION!

 

Rosie wants further evidence of his fabulousness so she asks Hollywood to show her some of his signature moves. His moves are really only a couple of dramatic looks and a shoulder circle, but the sound effects and the posturing is enough to convince Rosie to greenlight the early departure. Ginny sits in the corner almost completely silent, waiting to be written a line. Although she’s really not important until the end of Chamber of Secrets, she get an amused smile cutaway.

 

Another days starts for RoPo as she gets the call from Ginny. The Weaslette tells Rosie she’s going to meet with Tanya, a type-A personality who needs help managing her work and family schedule. As Rosie rolls her eyes so violently it must have given herself a headache, Ginny says that TypeATanya also wants help looking camera-ready post-delivery. In case that any ironic-paparazzi decide to storm her hospital room.

 

 

Tanya has a AMAZING life. She’s wildly successful, on the board of a non-profit, she already has one child, expensive taste, a multi-million dollar apartment in Chelsea and a castrated husband. As her half-a-man-husband describes her, “Tanya is like a white tiger, she’s rare, she’s exotic and she has fangs behind that smile” … and then slightly angles his head to disguise his swollen cheek.

 

 

Romit’s life is less AMAZING.

 

Tanya shares her sob story. When she had her daughter, she didn’t take make-up with her, later she was horrified!

 

Can. You. Imagine.

 

RoPo arrives in Chelsea and introduces herself and they settle into the living room, or the tiger’s den… if you will. Tanya is due in two weeks and she doesn’t know if she’s having a boy or a girl. Rosie pulls out her trusty Mummy IQ test and TypeATanya is obviously annoyed that she’s going to challenge her intelligence. RoPo has a question ready about circumcised penises and Tanya isn’t able to describe to Rosie how to take care of a circumcised penis.

 

Wait. Did you say circumcise or castrate?

 

Rosie takes a lap around and notices that despite the presence of a tiger cub in the apartment, nothing in baby proofed. Actually I think they’re actively storing more breakable things lower than most people. Glasses under the sink? Decorative plates on the bottom level of a shelving unit? Odd choice…

 

 

 

But not tempting to little paws.

 

Tanya insists that her daughter is just cautious, and Rosie insists that’s a lie. “Tanya must rule that house with an iron fist. There is no way that kid came out of the womb like ‘I don’t wanna touch China.”’ I bet the kid just happens to have an adversion to wire hangers too…

 

Tanya, being the extremely organized, extremely high powered woman she is, she has waited until her third trimester to wait to plan her pre-baby bash and accept a board position at a non-profit. Instead of making the EXECUTIVE DECISION to not throw herself a baby shower  — when she already has SO much to do, everything she could possible need/want for the kid and more money than cities in Michigan — she wants Rosie to help her organize her calendars.

 

Rosie makes the modest suggestion that she should hire an assistant. TypeATanya would love “a fun gay assistant” to follow her around a faux-worship her.

 

 

That’s highly… illegal.

 

Rosie is slightly unnerved by this… as much as she loves her own gay boy, it’s a bit ILLEGAL to hire someone on the grounds of gayFABULOUSITY. Rosie expresses concern in confessional that Tanya just wants a sidekick, which is just ridiculous and will not help alleviate her stress. “Is this going to be helpful, or is this going to be fun?”  Rosie asks. They agree that they’ll find someone, assign them the baby shower and if they’re organized enough to handle it, they have the job.

 

Next up is first time mom Ali. I already can’t stand her because she pronounces her name in a completely new and pretentious way — Ali, not like Larter or Muhammad, pronounces her name like “Oliver”. TripleOllie is having trouble preparing for baby number one. Her main trouble is that her husband, who also makes my skin crawl instantly, won’t keep his damn hands to himself. Instead of handing BabyDaddy Adam a Playboy and telling him to take care of himself they call in Rosie to assist.

 

 

Who knows how this would have went down if there wasn’t a camera crew in the room.

 

TripleOllie and her husband make custom jewelry — they’re all about themselves, their jobs, their money and their hotness. Adam tells the camera that “he has needs, he has wants”… and Rosie agrees that this is a problem, she agrees that their sex life has to get back on track because after the baby is born its going to be even harder for them to find time together. And because she needs something to add to the invoice.

 

RoPo is on the case and she arrives at Adam and Ali’s apartment and dives into Mummy IQ. She has a particularly graphic set of questions for the waspy momma-to-be. She hands her some specimens of baby poop to react to.

 

 

 

That’s a bit far, RoPo.

 

TripleOllie has done enough studying on baby feces to appease Rosie, so she’s ready to get to the core of her (equally off-putting) challenge for Rosie. Her husband wants sex.

 

“There’s so much jammed in me, it’s hard to think of anything else being jammed in me…” she tells us.

 

 

Adam must be a very sensitive guy.

 

Rosie wants to give out a homework assignment. She wants them to put a camera in their bedroom, not for Bravo After-After hours, but just to see what their nighttime routine is, how they interact with each other. Ollie agrees.

 

Adam and Ollie aren’t getting it in, so RoPo brings them to Belisa, Portia DeRossi’s portly cousin, by Portia standards, of course.

 

 

They look at the footage of them at night and they’re texting and watching TV and trying to cuddle over a pregnancy pillow bigger than the levees in New Orleans.

 

 

Portia recommends they rid the bedroom of distractions and move the pillow out of the way until right before they actually fall asleep. That’s the end of her PG rated line of questioning. The country club couple look at each other awkwardly as the new line of questioning begins. “When is the last time you had really good, hot sex? How often are you masturbating?”

 

 

(crickets)

 

Rosie looks on as Adam declines to answer questions about an issue so important to him he dragged his engorged wife onto television to discuss it…

 

 

The therapist turns her attention to Ollie to discuss vaginas. The session comes to a grinding halt when the therapist presents MohmammaAli with her set of dildos to get herself comfortable with the idea of being penetrated. To prove that she’s not going to give her baby brain damage if her stomach is strong enough to sleep with the man who’s demanding third trimester blowies.

 

Rosie explains that Ollie is concerned that her husband’s “Prince Edward will damage her little princess”.

 

 

Fun with mixed metaphors and royal insults.

 

The couple continues to complain that they’re uncomfortable, so the session ends and Rosie concludes that she has to rethink her approach.

 

Downtown, TypeATanya is waiting for Rosie so they can interview the candidates Hollywood screened for the assistant job. The first candidate has nothing to offer by way of party themes… he just names circus and farm animals and he gets the boot. The second candidate says he’s comfortable working as a personal assistant since in the past he’s chosen vibrators for his friends.

 

Candidate number three is the best so far. He looks like DeBarge meets Condoleezza Rice and proceeds to sing and mime parts of the interview. We’re not shown the question that leads to an impromptu runway show, but he feels that giving good “facefacefacefacefacefaceface” qualifies him to be a personal assistant.

 

 

 

 

Rosie’s impression of him is also entertaining.

 

LT’s candidates suck, so when the last candidate Dan and his tame Christian Siriano-ness come throw the door they’re sold. When asked how he would put together a party, he says “lots of flowers, lots of candles… and there could some like… performers there.” So he has the ability to categorize everyday objects. The circus freak could categorize too, but they’re out of gay boys in Chelsea, so they give Dan a shot.

 

 

 

Shake it lil’Momma.

 

He also manages to work in calling TypeATanya sexy at least two times during the interview, so that’s enough.

 

Back at Chateau a la RoPo, it’s time to collect her husband’s donation, or “spermages” or “product of the crown jewels” for her fertilization treatment. Really it’s just an excuse for this screen grab.

 

 

We cut back to the totally superfluous to do list Tanya has assigned Dan — it’s time to find an outfit for the baby shower that Tanya really doesn’t have to throw for HERSELF. They’re at Rosie’s boutique talking dresses and strategy. First off Dan needs to be sent out with his list of errands, but not before Rosie forces Tanya to agree to check in once every 3 hours, not once per hour.

 

 

Your Batphone will ring every hour on the hour.

 

Then Rosie’s off to the venue to negotiate and Hollywood and Ginny are left to tame the white tigress.

 

And 3…2…1… Tanya’s not happy.

 

 

 

She doesn’t like Hollywood’s suggestions and is bitching that she’s not being attended to in the completely empty store. LT is rushing around grabbing anything and everything while TypeATanya is in the dressing room screaming that “I’m going to go into labor trying to get the zipper up myself.”

 

RoPo is ready to take another crack at Adam, so she’s decided to take him to the driving range, since he’s so preoccupied with his own balls. Rosie asks about his childhood and Adam reveals himself to be very traditional, he would love if Ollie didn’t have to work… she could just stay home and wait to be plowed. RoPo feels like she understands the A-team much better so she revisits some of the issues they tried to discuss in sex therapy. Adam says that he really thinks Ali should “force herself” … to have sex with him. The cow have been purchased and the milk is gone and Adam is ready to sell his wife to the friggin’ butcher.

 

Luckily Rosie is able to hide her astonishment behind a pair of large Jackie O sunglasses as Adam continues to argue his case. When he’s finished Rosie has another exercise for him. More specifically she has more exercise equipment for him, 40 pounds of weights in a pregnancy suit.

 

 

He braces himself to receive punishment for his callous statements…

 

Adam mans up and feels up the suit on his way to getting the sense of what his wife is currently living with. Rosie has Adam move around bit, she even suggests his get on the ground, doggie style to see how he likes it. He does not…

 

Dan’s running about town dropping F-bombs on Tanya… “yes it’s going to be FABULOUS!!! It will be FABULOUS!!!” She won’t relent, even as he’s carrying cakes and flowers and shoes, he’s receiving calls and getting new demands.

 

 

 

This woman is a real balloon shriveler.

 

Rosie wants Ollie to feel better about herself so she brings her lingerie shopping. Ollie turns down a lot of Rosie’s suggestions but eventually settles on a robe… or something… and they check off another item on the Rosie Pope, LLC invoice.

 

It’s the day of the Tigress’s shower. Hollywood, Ginny, RoPo are all on hand to check in on Dan. The poor boy has obviously worn the solos off his Oxfords trying to save his $25K job and he’s at the brink of tears when he has to admit to Rosie that there’s no entertainment planned. Rosie says they simply can’t have a party without entertainment. It’s uncivilized, so the team comes together, to get all the last minute prep complete while they brainstorm a solution to the “performance crisis.”

 

They’re scurrying around re-frosting the cake and lighting the candles, when Tanya arrives. The guest flow through the doors and Tanya gives her approval of the party venue. Then she starts to ask about the entertainment for the night. Instead of pointing to the iPod dock and telling her to shut it — Rosie gives Tanya a playful scolding and sends her back to her party. When Aerosmith doesn’t arrive to play Tanya-stock, Rosie puts LT on stage. Luckily he arrived at the party in an outfit that would be expertly coordinated with his band member if he needed to go on stage.

 

 

 

I happened to have nothing else appropriate for a baby shower other than this

Liberace-inspired costume.

 

The Kiki Twins look like The Dick in a Box sketch characters got into Blanche Devereaux’s wardrobe and went to town, but they’re on stage now so they might as well sing their song. “Step Touch” is a little ditty they wrote about how life’s problems can be solved by doing the white people wedding dance…

 

 

Step One.

 

When life gets craaa zaaay and everyone’s given up on you… just call me and I’ll know what to doooo….

Get up, stand up, get to it, step touch,

Get up, stand up, get to it, step touch,

Step touch, step in,

Step touch, step in…

 

It’s enough to convince Tanya, she loves her party and she loves her new full-time assistant. Dan is hired.

 

It’s time for the A-Team’s Babymoon. Rosie has booked the couple at a NYC hotel for one last hurrah before they feel the sting of the new little wasp. They open the door to the hotel room and waiting for them is chocolate covered strawberries and pickles and ice cream. Adam is ready to get it in so he force feeds his wife some treats and then presents her with the gift that RoPo recommended he get. He’s either a strategic genius who got the biggest reaction from the world’s smallest diamonds, or he really just bought diamon studs for the baby.

 

 

 

 

*cough cough CHEAP cough cough*

 

He continues with his one track agenda drags her out to the balcony with the sparkling cider and then off to the bedroom. AWWWWwwww that’s gross. I really hate these people the most. I think I hate these people the most.

 

A week later Ollie goes into labor and RoPo rushes over to usher the couple through midtown, rush hour traffic to the hospital. Ollie handles the contractions like a true wasp, holding in all her pain only to run for an overdose of meds later.

 

Rosie is impressed with Ollie’s restraint. When she went into labor, she was a little more expressive…

 

Exhibit A.

 

RoPo visit’s Tanya’s in the hospital with a new dress, (that I spotted in the store before, not new for Tanya) and hair and make-up artist. Tanya gets the star treatment and is fully prepped when her newborn son Milan, daughter and husband arrive for photos.

 

 

All ends well, Baby Milan is happy and health… Dan’s mental health is questionable.

 

 

I have to admit that despite her BIZARRE choice of profession, I like Rosie. Her clients are heinous and I hope she is overcharging them for the most basic services. In fact, I feel good knowing that I may be contributing to her popularity, so that she can continue to rip these fools off. Seriously.

 

Is the show growing on anyone? Any chance of tuning in for ep 3?