Previously: Dorkus thought he had a chance with Hanna, since he has apparently never seen a teen movie before in his entire life. Judgy Mom had Maya put away for possession. Aria seduced her teacher and vice versa. Hanna’s mom stole money, but it’s okay because no one has found out yet. Oh, and “A” showed the girls a video via Spencer’s laptop:
“OMG, you guys! ’A’ is climin’ in our windows, snatchin’ our people up! Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!”
Okay, okay: The actual reveal was that Alison was seeing Ian, and they either just witnessed her murder or a fit of passion.
Presently: The girls discuss what the video means, and what to do, then pause it and walk away with Ian’s face taking up the entire computer screen. And who should choose precisely that moment to walk in but IAN! Silly little fools. The girls all freak the eff out while Ian makes small talk, acting nonchalant so there’s no indication whether or not he saw his face on the computer screen. After he leaves (completely weirded out by the girls who practically lost their shit right in front of him), they decide they need to hand the video over to the police.
The girls are decorating for some dance-a-thon, but take a break to discuss whether or not they really should turn the video in to the police. They questions A’s motivations, but Emily doesn’t want Toby to go to jail and this video could prevent that. Aria agrees with Emily and tells Spencer she’ll drive her to the police station during lunch.
Hanna asks Sean if she can work for his mother as a dental assistant again, but Sean says no because last time she threatened a kid with a drill bit for aiming his spit at her. Hanna is so awesome. Sean is suspicious of why she needs money and can’t get it from her mother, so she makes up an excuse about wanting to save up for some expensive earrings.
Aria’s mother shows up with Simone, who used to be Aria’s babysitter but is now a “published author.” Just like Aria’s dream future! Apparently Simone’s high school locker is twice the size of her apartment in New York. Someone has not mastered the hipster lifestyle of living in a converted warehouse in Brooklyn yet. Also, “two short stories in an online journal” would not pay for ANY apartment in New York. Anyway, Aria’s mom has invited Simone to speak to her English class, and runs over to Fitzy to offer him Simone’s services, in more ways than one. Simone offers Aria some writerly advice. Aria’s mom comes back to tell Simone she’ll be speaking to Fitzy’s class and will then be meeting him for a coffee date. Aria is predictably awkward about the whole thing.
Emily is on the phone arguing with the juvie camp guards. Turns out she can’t speak to Maya. Hanna offers up the phone-hacking services of some new kid. The girls are getting ready to head to the police station when they realize that Spencer’s laptop is missing, despite the fact that it has been in her bag plastered to her side all day. They realize that she left it in her gym locker, which Ian has access to since he is a coach. I find it hard to believe male coaches are allowed in female locker rooms, but if no one catches Fitzy and Aria having angsty conversations all over school, I’m sure sly Ian could have slipped in unnoticed. TWSS.
She looks as if she just discovered that her mom packed bologna for her lunch.
Emily catches up with the sketchy new kid (named Caleb, if anyone cares), to ask if he’s finished hacking her phone yet. He says he isn’t, so she offers him more money to speed up with process. Based on their upper middle class surroundings, he suspects her friend is in rehab (it’s the new boarding school, apparently), but Emily is having none of it. She asks him where he’s from, and I think he tries to weasel a date with her, but it’s all very monotone and I zoned out for a second.
A knit cap is how teen shows spell DANGER!
Hanna tries to interview with a lady at a fancy boutique. Somehow, she manages to look younger on this job interview than she ever has before, which I find strange. Despite the fact that Hanna is on a first name basis with Boutique Lady, she can’t have the job because her mother owes them money. I suppose that debt was not the one she paid off with her bank heist money. Hanna wants to work some of it off, which seems logical enough to me. Boutique Lady shuts her down, saying there aren’t enough days in the week. Presumably, however, Hanna intends to work there for more than a week, so I’m still not following that logic. Anyway, a dejected Hanna meets Sean in his car, who still does not understand why Hanna cares so much about a pair of earrings.
Dorkus would have known something else was wrong, but the big dumb puppy she’s dating won’t be figuring that out anytime soon.
She tells Sean to just take her home and then gets this text:
Is it just me, or is this how most prostitutes and porn stars get started?
Aria shows up at Fitzy’s unannounced with coffee. Luckily, Fitzy has no other friends or family (or neighbors) to speak of, so he’s alone. It turns out he was reading one of Simone’s short stories before meeting with her for coffee. Aria gets good and jealous, but Fitzy points out that her mother was being insistent and he has to pretend he’s single. Fitzy’s got to go, and Aria wants to stay at his place and read/clean out the refrigerator, but Fitzy tells her to go. Aria, your desperation is showing. He gives her a kiss and they leave separately so all of the alleged other people who live in his building don’t see them.
Good idea to get the kiss in now, before you both have coffee breath.
Ian is in the Hastings’ kitchen making himself a sandwich when Spencer comes in to ask him if he’s seen her laptop. He claims he hasn’t seen it and tells Spencer he’ll be at the dance that night. Then he makes cryptic comments about people gossiping in a small town. When she asks him about it, he just says they’re living under the same roof and they should try to be a family.
“Fancy a piece of my peanut butter and roofie sandwich?
Spencer and Hanna wait in the coat check line at the dance that night and Hanna shows off her flask. Meanwhile, Emily watches Ian lock his suspicious briefbag (briefcase, but in bag form) away in his desk drawer. Ian checks his coat with his keys in the pocket and the girls begin to hatch a plan to get the keys and get into his desk. Hanna wonders if he already erased the video, but Spencer says that means he’s definitely hiding something and they need to go to the police.
It turns out Arias parents are both chaperoning the dance, and they exchange awkward pleasantries. Meanwhile, Simone wanders over to Aria and begs her not to request the Backstreet Boys. Ahhh, Simone must be an *NSYNC girl like myself. I knew I liked her. I like her even more when she immediately realizes that Aria does not want her there. Simone is perceptive, and Aria had best learn to control her teenage hormones before she figures out that something’s going on. Apparently she stopped by to see Ezra, which is so not allowed at schools anymore. They can’t have just anyone wandering around the school, especially adults who have no business being there. Of course, Simone isn’t doing half the illegal things Fitzy is, but the school doesn’t know that.
Sketchy New Kid shows up with Emily’s phone, and Hanna calls him out for overcharging poor Emily. They exchange words about not knowing the first thing about Hanna and the new kid leaves. Hanna then gets a text from A telling her to dance with Dorkus for $200 a dance. It IS prostitution! I totally called that!
Hanna is dancing with Sean, but tells him she should dance with poor, sad Dorkus. She claims that she knows what it’s like to be an outcast (cause she used to be fat), but Sean was nice to her. Sean claims it’s different because she was sweet but Dorkus wants to get punched. He then tells her if she wants to perform charity she should save a whale… Just like Sean did! Sean leaves and Hanna convinces Dorkus to dance with her.
Emily finishes up a conversation with Maya, sounding a bit disappointed. Spencer asks her what’s wrong, and Emily says she thinks Maya has moved on.
Something tells me Emily is not reading a sext here.
Meanwhile, Fitzy is chatting with Simone about Prague and absinthe and other grown up things. They are both adults who have attended college and spent time in Europe, they have so much in common!
Ezra Fitz: Chaperone would be the creepiest/least appropriate spinoff idea EVER.
A jealous Aria interrupts their conversation and is promptly embarrassed when her former babysitter brings up her stuffed Cookie Monster from childhood. She retrieves Ian’s keys from his coat and passes them off to Spencer. Meanwhile, Hanna convinces Dorkus to dance with her for just one more song, which happens to be a slow one, and this is when he starts to get the Wrong Idea.
Aria makes some comments to her mother about Simone and Fitzy, but luckily her mom gets the wrong idea and thinks Aria is jealous that Simone is going after Fitzy instead of spending time with her. Her mom makes some comment about how it’s hard to find the right guy and sometimes you have to go for it/fight for him. I love that her mother is unknowingly encouraging her daughter’s illegal relationship.
Hanna leaves Dorkus on the dance floor so she can argue with Sean about the fact that “one dance” with Dorkus has turned into five. Sean asks Hanna if she brings him to dances just to diss him. Hanna then gets a text from A upping the price to $500 a dance. Any chance of Hanna dancing with Sean again that night is now gone.
Spencer uses the borrowed keys to go into Ian’s office. As she’s trying to open his drawer, Sketchy New Kid walks in and finds her. He questions her, but she refuses to tell him anything. He offers up this gem: ”The rich girls steal, the pretty girls lie, the smart girls play dumb, and the dumb girls spend their days trying to be all of the above.” I believe he just gave us this entire series (and really, just life in general) in a nutshell, no? Well done, Sketchy New Kid. Spencer offers him hush money and he stares at her, but we don’t find out if he takes it.
Aria’s dad brings his estranged wife a drink, and apparently their song is playing or something so they decide to dance. For some reason video of what looks like a cemetery is playing on a screen behind them, so we’ll pretend it’s a symbol of their relationship being dead and buried. He tries to convince her they should take Simone and the kids out for dinner, but she shoots him down.
So, Hilary Swank has a couple of Oscars and Chad Lowe is the mostly forgotten parent on an ABCFamily show. I’m not one to declare winners in a breakup, but…
Meanwhile, Emily is rifling through the checked coats for some reason, and ends up taking Hanna’s flask. Spencer tells Aria that the new kid wouldn’t take the hush money, but she thinks he’ll keep his mouth shut. Aria isn’t listening though, because she is staring at Simone and Fitzy and flying into a jealous rage. Spencer tries to hold her back to no avail. Aria marches up to them and tells Fitzy they need to talk, but Spencer awesomely interrupts to drag Fitzy onto the dance floor. Simone makes a comment to Aria about how someone is crushing on her English teacher, and Aria for once seems to hold it together.
Emily finishes off the flask just as Hanna joins her outside and realized her stash is gone. Emily asks Hanna why she’s torturing Dorkus by making him think he has a shot. Emily says Alison used to lead her on, and it must make Hanna feel powerful, but Hanna claims it’s just the opposite. Emily leaves and Hanna gets a text from A offering $1000 if she dances the last dance with Dorkus.
Hanna heads back inside and Sean apologizes for getting angry with her earlier. He wants to dance, but she tells him she has to dance with Dorkus, which causes him to break up with her while Dorkus watches from afar. Sean leaves and Dorkus asks her if she wants to go outside and talk, but she tearfully tells him to just dance with her.
I believe tearful regret is also a part of every great hooker story.
Spencer and Aria spot drunk Emily and try to calm her down while she rants about Ian being a murderer. Somehow, they can’t stop her from marching up to Ian and saying they all know what he did. Aria takes Emily away while Ian makes Spencer dance with him and fess up to what they allegedly know. Spencer claims it was all about the fact that she and Ian kissed last summer, and Ian is pissed that her friends know. He says if anyone else knows, someone is going to get hurt. It is so lucky that the girls have such a long list of smaller secrets they can use as excuses to hide their bigger secrets.
Spencer and Hanna get the still-awesomely-sloshed Emily outside and decide they’ll all crash at Spencer’s that night so Emily doesn’t have to deal with her mother and Spencer doesn’t have to be along with Creepy Ian lurking about. Dorkus approaches Hanna and offers her a ride home, but Hanna crushes his sad little dreams and insists her friends need her. After Dorkus walks off, Hanna pulls her scarf out of her coat pocket and a gigantic wad of cash falls out. Good think she was all along when that happened!
Angstia gets all insecure to Fitzy about Simone, since she’s so beautiful and perfect and wonderful and amazing and adult. Fitzy claims he’s in love with Angstia and starts to go in for a kiss but hears some kiddies off laughing in the background so he stops.
Hanna prevents Emily from drunk dialing Maya and puts her to bed. Emily starts to apologize, but Hanna says she was right, and Hanna feels bad for leading Dorkus on. Emily falls asleep, so Hanna takes her shoes off and puts her blanket on.
When she gets back downstairs, Hanna discovers that Spencer’s laptop has reappeared on the coffee table with the incriminating video erased. It’s been replaced with a brand-new cryptic message:
Good lord, this is the most well-documented night of all time! How has this murder not been solved?
Hanna notices a shadow behind Alison and asks Spencer if she knows who it is. Spencer claims not to know despite looking like she does. I’m not sure how she could possible recognize a shadow though.
Back at the dance, Aria’s mom is working coat check and gives an unseen person a cryptic black leather jacket and pair of gloves. As far as requisite cliffhanger endings go, I give that one a big fat MEH.
So, what did you guys think about this episode? Do you feel bad for Dorkus? Do you still love Hanna even though she led him on? Who was acting more suspicious, Ian or the girls? How much more awesome is Drunk Emily compares to Sober Emily? (Answer: SO MUCH MORE AWESOME) What was up with Spencer’s crazy braided updo? How much Angsty Aria can you guys handle? I like Lucy Hale a lot but Aria was ridiculous this episode. Let me know what you guys thought!