Pretty Little Liars: Anita Plot Twist, Please

The girls are watching a movie in a theater.  A silent movie.  Seriously?  And how loud is Hanna with her popcorn?  Slow down, Hannie — it ain’t a box of cupcakes.  They’re all discussing Ian and Melissa and how sneaky she’s being, and how does Jason figure into all of this?  Aria wonders how they can keep tabs on Melissa when they aren’t even supposed to be together.  Good point, Aria.  Suddenly, Spencer turns around because she senses something is amiss . . . and then, OH NO!

“Hey, sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze, Jr.”

And then Spencer wakes up on the couch because it was all a dream.  Fake out!  Melissa is annoyingly poking around the couch, looking for her wedding ring.  She took it off because her preggy hands were swollen.  Melissa’s phone is vibrating and Spencer’s dying to answer it, but Melissa picks it up and says that she’s not alone and needs to go upstairs to talk.  What is Melissa up to?  No good, probably.  Credits.

In the morning, Hanna comes downstairs and hears her dad and mom laughing about something or other.  Turns out Hanna’s dad is in Rosewood to stay for a while.  Fantastic.  After he leaves, Hanna asks her mom what she and her dad were laughing about.  It turns out they were just reminiscing about the time Ashley made dinner for Tom’s mother and how his mom re-arranged all her living room furniture while she was in the kitchen.  Was Ashley deaf back then?  Cuz I’m pretty sure that I’d hear a 60 year-old woman trying to move a couch.  But whatevs.  Hanna wonders why Ashley is being so chummy with Tom since he’s engaged, but Ashley tells her that she’s aware of what Tom’s done, but that doesn’t mean she can’t forgive him.  “Things change.  People grow,” she says.

At school, Emily’s washing her hands in the bathroom, patiently waiting for someone to leave, so that Spencer, Hanna, and Aria can talk with her.

Geez, even their POOPS are synched-up.

Yeah, when you you and your friends all feel the need to drop some steaming ass pie at the same time?  You may want to think about some time apart.  Aria:  “We need to find a better place to do this.  Somewhere preferably with a fan?”  Hee!  This show needs more funny.  And less characters.  Just sayin’.  Turns out Emily has a letter from the Danby scout, that “maybe letter” he was talking about.  And Hanna wants people to know she has awesome expensive hand cream — I’m sorry.  I’m distracted by this:

What is this?  Is this a thing now?

What’s . . . what’s in Aria’s hair?  Are those clip-ons?  Extensions?  Does she have caterpillars crawling all over her head and she just doesn’t notice it?  I am not a fan, PLL fashion/hair/makeup crew.  I am not a fan.  Emily says that she needs a “for-sure” letter to be able to stay in Rosewood and that her mom has already packed up almost all of her stuff.  The girls want to meet after school, but Aria is taking a class at Hollis College.  Oh, fantastic.  She says if she happens to run into Ezra, then so be it.  Uh-huh.  And if you happen to run into him with your lips, then hey, what the heck, right?  Oh, and it turns out Hanna probably stole the moisturizer, even though she says it’s just “a sample.”

Spencer’s walking down the hall when who should she see, but Toby.  I’m thinking, “What is he doing here?” and then Spencer totally asks the same thing.  He’s just turning in more paperwork about his G.E.D.  How much paperwork could there be?  Turns out Toby got a new job.  Oh my god, you guys, what about Toby’s free work t-shirt from last week?  Did he get to keep it?  DID HE GET TO KEEP IT?!  Ugh, one more unfinished plot.  Geez.  And who, pray tell, is Toby working for?  Jason. Alison’s brother.  Spencer is reasonably concerned about this, as am I, as Jason-Not-Jason has been pretty shady lately.  But Toby needs money for tools and a used truck, which Spencer wisely doesn’t argue with, since doing so would make her a pretty horrible girlfriend.  She asks Toby not to go into Jason’s house — which is pretty good advice, if you ask me — and Toby says that he won’t, and then he goes in for a kiss.

At times, The Toby must feed on the interesting-ness of others in order to make himself less boring.

Yay!  Another Weepies song is playing in the background!  I heart The Weepies!  And Double Yay! — Lucas!  Oh, Lucas.  I just want you to come out of the closet so I can write horrible fan fiction about how you and Eric Van der Woodsen are the cutest couple EVER.

OHMIGOD HOW CUTE!!!!!

Am I right?  I’m right, right?  Right.  They’d be so cute together!  Anyway.  Hanna asks Lucas what’s up, and it turns out that Caleb is staying at Lucas’s house.  Oh, reaaaalllly, Lucas?  Hold out for Eric!  He has better hair!  Hanna asks Lucas if he wants to hang out after school, but he’s got yearbook, so he can’t do anything fun.  He asks Hanna about why she’s not hanging out with her “posse” any more, and she fills him in about how their parents thought it wasn’t a good idea.  And since Lucas is the nicest, most adorable cutie ever, he tells Hanna that they’ll need some help with “layouts” in yearbook after school, if she wants to come and help.  Awwwww!

Aria is walking with Ezra on campus, complaining about her i.d. photo for her new college badge.  Ezra says the photo looks very studious, but Aria thinks it looks like a mug shot.  She asks Ezra if he misses teaching at the high school, and he says not so much the high school itself as much as Aria.  Awww.  Well, kind of “awww.”  Mostly “meh” with a smidge of “ew.”  So, they start holding hands and talk about how they’re not worried about anyone seeing them (um, except everyone, Ezria?  Including, but not limited to, EVERYONE?!).  Ezra reminds her that her dad teaches a couple days a week, but since he’s not there, I guess they think that gives them license to mack, because they go at it again.  Oh, except someone sees them.  And it’s Jackie.

“Yes, Dennis, your theory about underage skanks who steal my ex-fiancee is interesting IHAVETOGO!!”

Yeah, so I’m a bit less skeeved out now that Ezra is technically not her teacher, and the fact that it’s (maybe) technically legal, but now I’m just angry at their blatant and egregious make out sessions.  What if “A” sees them making out?  What if Aria’s dad sees them making out?  What if anyone who freaking knows them sees them making out?  Do they think just because he’s not *technically* her teacher that they are in the clear?  Because I don’t.  And frankly, they’re just pissing me off right now.  I’m sorry, but I can’t help it.  I love PLL, y’all, but this, THIS . . . oy.

I would have thought that Aria’s course would be an English comp. course, a writing course, biology . . . Something that, like the college courses I took in high school, would actually help someone out — a required course that one would just get out of the way so that when one actually attended college, one would not have to take it.  But no.  Aria’s taking a ceramics class.  However, it would be fun, and she might as well take something easy since she’s just basically paying money for a college course to have a glorified booty call, so I’m down with it.  Ugh, I’m so anti-Aria this week!  But she brought it on herself with that weird stuff in her hair. Here, I’ll say something nice about her:  Aria probably makes good waffles.  Wow, we’re only 12 minutes in, people.  I’m gonna have to step it up.  So, everyone is talking and laughing with a person in the class.  And, of course, this person is Jenna.  I have to say — this I did not expect.  Aria’s obviously pretty freaked out by this.

Meanwhile, Spencer’s all decked out in her field hockey uniform, but I’m assuming it’s after practice because she’s walking home.  She passes Jason’s house and sees a shadow in the upstairs window.  But it’s not Jason because he’s outside!  Wha?  Oh, it’s probably Toby.  But Jason says that Toby went home for the day!  Wha wha?  Spencer says that she thought Jason was inside, because she thought he was the only one living in the house.  But Jason says he IS the only one living in the house!  Wha wha wha?!

“The first Jason was less creepy than you and we recast him, so watch your back, Jason #2.”

Spencer calls Emily and tells her about what happened and how there was someone in Jason’s upstairs room.  Emily:  “Sometimes when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”  Spencer:  “Why are you talking to me like Ben Franklin!?”  Hee!  More comedy, please!  Spencer says that she’s scared and hates being alone — her sister is living in their re-decorated barn and her parents are (of course) out of town — and she really wants Emily to come over, but we all know she can’t do that.  Emily tells Spencer to lock her door.  Considering how well that worked out last week, that’s not exactly comforting, Em.  Spencer looks across the yard at Jason’s upstairs window — I’d forgotten that they were really close neighbors — where Jason is putting newspaper up over the windows.  Just.  Like.  Betty Applewhite did!

Oh yeah.  I just blew your mind.

I feel bad for those of you who have not experienced the ironic awesomeness that is Betty Applewhite and my ironically awesome love for said Applewhite.  If you are curious and do not know of which I speak, I will explain in the comments.  Anyway, Spencer flashes back to a night when Alison was still alive, and Betty Applewhite’s mentally handicapped son was probably still chained up in the basement (Yeah.  That happened.)  In the flashback, I guess Jason is throwing a rager because his and Alison’s parents are out of town.  Spencer is having Emily over for a sleepover, when Alison comes over, saying that a bunch of the party pervs are trying to get in her room.  You know, for the first time, I actually feel bad for Alison, because as a 14 or 15 year-old, that would be a really crappy and scary situation that no high school girl should have to go through.  It’s insanely horrible of her older brother to do that to her.

Wow, I went all after-school on you guys.  Sorry.  Alison says that everyone is wasted and she’s the only girl there.  Ugh, sad and wrong!  Alison says that she should call their grandmother and tell her because she’ll write Jason out of the will.  Why does someone on these shows always have some grandma who is leaving them or some character a bunch of money?  I want a rich grandma!!  Spencer tells Alison she can stay the night and Alison grabs an apple, and as she’s washing it, she looks out the window.  I’m crossing my fingers for a flashback-within-a-flashback, but Alison just cries.  I’m liking that they have Sad Alison now.  It’s good to give her some layers.  She tells Spencer that she was just thinking about her grandma.

End of flashback.  Spencer calls Emily on her house phone (Em tells her mom that it’s Paige) and Spencer talks to her about Flashback Night and she thinks that maybe Ian was at the party, and maybe Alison was blackmailing both Ian AND Jason, and maybe Jason played a role in Alison’s death?  I mean, where WAS Jason the night Alison was killed, Spencer wonders.  Um, probably on a completely different TV show?

Back at the school, the nerds who will someday become rich and famous while the popular jocks get fat, smoke weed and work at their dad’s Chevy dealership are working on the yearbook.  Yay!  Lucas!  Hanna asks Lucas about some girl Hanna’s never seen before (Danielle “something,” Lucas says), and tells Lucas that she knows that he is crushing on her.  Lucas doesn’t want to have the conversation.  And neither do I, frankly, since Lucas belongs to a 17 year-old version of me.

A 15 year-old me will also suffice.

Big ups to Melissa!  Best prom date ever!!  Lucas cutely reminds Hanna of how he cutely is not part of the illuminati of the Rosewood high school society, and tells Hanna to drop it.

Melissa (not my awesome prom Melissa — the Melissa on the show) is still looking for her wedding ring.  Spencer wants her to stay with her in the house, because it’s scary (and actually, Spencer’s house is kind of creepy at night, if you ask me — turn on some lights, people!!).  She tells Melissa that she’s scared because she knows stuff she shouldn’t, and wants Melissa to let her know that she’d protect Spencer before she protects someone else, because they’re sisters.  Spencer reminisces about a time that Melissa said she would beat up a girl who was bullying Spencer, but Melissa says she doesn’t remember it.  She’s had a lot on her mind, what with being pregnant and that missing husband thing.  Selfish!  She doesn’t want Spencer to make her choose between her and her husband.

Also, Melissa has a bump now.  If someone wants to figure out if this is probable given the show’s timeline, I would be grateful.

I, however, am way too lazy.  Aria’s at Ezra’s apartment, complaining about how Jenna is in her ceramics class.  She’s all, “Why can’t I just escape high school?”  And I swear to god, the first time I saw this ep, I said out loud, “Probably because you’re still in it,” and then Ezra said the exact same thing!  Love it.  Ezra says maybe it’s fate and that she may have an opportunity to apologize and get closure with Jenna — if she’s able to make things right with Jenna, “why not do it?”  Wow, advice from Ezra that I actually agree with?!  I’m shocked!!

WHAT’S HAPPPENNINNNNG?!

Spencer’s making toast (I hope it’s peanut butter toast, where you spread butter on it first and then a layer of peanut butter on top of that?  Mmmmmm), but it’s not plugged in . . . and what’s behind the toaster?  No, not the missing fun part of Toby’s personality.  It’s Melissa’s wedding ring!  And you guys?  I’m actually really nervous about what Spencer’s going to do with the ring.

Oh, right, Hanna has a plot this week.  I forgot.  She overhears her dad on the phone with (presumably) his fiancee.  They’re fighting (presumably), and he hangs up, saying that he’s (presumably) sorry.  He tells Hanna they were fighting about the wedding, and things are tense with and Isabel (his fiancee).

Aria, Emily, and Hanna are in Emily’s car the next day, parked in an alley for some unknown reason.  Aria tells Hanna not to intervene with her parents while Em gives them a copy of a letter from Danby saying they can totes offer her a full scholarship if she stays at Rosewood.  The catch, though, is that Emily forged the letter.  Oh, dip!  Hanna thinks this is awesome, but Aria thinks it’s a bad idea to mail the letter.  I agree.  No good can come of this.  Emily says that there’s no other way for her to stay in Rosewood.

So, Toby’s working on Jason’s yard, and I’m probably obligated to post some shirtless screengrabs of Toby.

So, here’s one.

I will say, the kid’s got it goin’ on a bit.  Also, “shirtlesstoby” was seriously trending on Twitter the night this episode aired.  So . . . yeah.  Jason says that Toby can take a break, but I guess Toby has a big work ethic, so he won’t stop.  That, or he just really enjoys digging.  Given that it’s Toby, either of those are probable.

Here’s another.

Jason tells Toby that he understands how Toby feels and that Toby was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Someone’s arriving, and Jason asks if it’s Melissa, but it turns out it’s Spencer.  She asks him if Melissa comes over a lot and Jason says that she’s come over a couple times to bring him some mail that was mistakenly delivered.  Mistakenly delivered mail OHMIGOD!  Do you know what this means?!  Nothing.  It means nothing, people.

If you’re into it, here’s another one.

Spencer doesn’t want Toby to work with Jason, but Toby says that Jason gave him a big cash advance, but he’s sure that the truck he wanted to buy has been sold and that other job in Yardley — which he would have driven to, in his new truck — was probably given to someone else.  At this moment, Jason comes out and throws a trash bag on the lawn.  Some pretty suspicious things fall out of the bag.

And from that moment on, no one ever again ordered take-out from Mr. Wong’s Wok Palace.

Jason says that he “cut [him]self.”  Sure you did, Jason.  You totally cut yourself . . . ON YOUR LIES!

Over at the ceramics class, Aria is very hilariously having trouble with the pottery wheel. When she finally gets it under control, Jenna gets up to cross the room, and clumsily walks right into some stuff on the floor.  Geez, what are you, blind?!  Thank you!  I’m here all night!      I promise that was the only joke like that I will do this season.  The teacher asks Aria what her name is (Aria replies with “Anita”) and asks her to help, but Bryce, another student, says he’ll take care of it.

Back at the high school –

Look how cute!

Lucas is looking at Danielle, most likely imagining how good her shirt would look on Eric Van der Woodsen.  Hanna sits across from Danielle and tells her how Lucas took some amazing photos for the yearbook, and how Lucas is a great photographer who’s sold a lot of his photos online.  She tells Danielle that she wanted to be more than friends with Lucas at one point (liar!), but she didn’t “have the energy to compete” with all the other girls — Lucas has “a wild side.”  Aw, that’s kind of sweet of Hanna.  Except for all the blatant lies.

Spencer is pawning her sister’s wedding ring!!  What?!  That’s so wrong!  I guess she’s going to come back for it on Monday, with the cash to buy it back.  Oh, okay, because nothing can ever go wrong with that plan.  I’ve never sold anything at a pawn shop — can you actually do this?  Use it like a paycheck-advance place and sell an item, place it on hold, and then come back for it with the cash?  That seems awfully dangerous, especially in cases like this.  The pawn dude asks if anyone will be missing the ring, but Spencer says it’s hers — she just needs some cash until Monday.  He gives her $2,000.  Oh, kids, I do not like this.  I do not like this at all.  And of course, someone –  “A”? –  is watching!

Lucas confronts Hanna at her locker, asking her what she told Danielle.  She tells him what she said, but at least now Danielle knows Lucas’ name.  Lucas rightfully wants to know what Hanna’s agenda is.

“You know what I want.  Red velvet.  Baker’s dozen.”

How gorgeous is Ashely Benson, by the way?  So gorgeous.  I kind of want to be best friends with her.  So, I guess Lucas is still smarting from the time Hanna used him as a pawn for Sean (that rhymed).  Was this at the dance?  The marathon dance?  Sean was Hanna’s boyfriend who was the son of a preacher man and didn’t want to have sex?  And then Hanna used Lucas . . . somehow . . . to make Sean . . . something . . . while they were . . . somewhere . . .  I totally can’t remember the details.  Hanna says she has no agenda and she doesn’t want to be remembered by her biggest mistake.  “People change.  They grow.”  Which is what Ashley (her mom) said earlier!

Emily’s in her room, putting the letter in the envelope and sealing it, when her mom comes in the room with a box. I feel like this is all Emily’s mom does this season — show up in Emily’s doorway with a box of crap in her hands.  Every line in Nia Peeples’ script this season has been prefaced by “Pam enters Emily’s room, holding a box of items.”  This time she has a bunch of Emily’s old stuff — a teddy bear, and other childhood things.  She doesn’t want Emily to give that stuff up or anything — she won’t even trust it with the movers — she just wanted Emily to see the stuff.  Get your facial tissues ready, people.  It’s about to get real and touching.  Pam gets a little misty-eyed and tells her daughter that she thinks it must have been so hard for Emily to be who she is, and to think that Pam “wouldn’t still love [her], no matter what . . .”  Emily tells her mom she doesn’t feel like that anymore, and then Pam wipes a tear from Emily’s eye, which is even more touching because I bet that was unscripted which just makes it more touching and real.  It’s a really great little moment.  So great, in fact, that I will not ruin it with a fart joke.

Even though Emily totally smells one and refuses to acknowledge it.

Seriously touching, though.  When her mom leaves, Emily tears up the letter and hides it in her trash.

Spencer pulls up to Jason’s house in the truck that Toby wanted to buy.  Wow, so she pawned the ring to buy Toby’s truck and then decided to drive over to him to rub it in his face?!  What a bitc — Oh, what’s that?  I’m sorry?  Oh, she bought the truck FOR Toby.  I see.  I get it now.  Crisis averted.  Yeah, that’s nice, but still — she pawned her sister’s ring.  That’s pretty low, even for someone on this show.  Toby says it will take a long time to pay her back, and she says that the job in Yardley is all his.  Toby’s so happy that he tells Spencer that he loves her.  She says she wanted to say it first.  So then, she totally doesn’t say it at all.  Not the same thing, Spencer!  Doesn’t count!

Hanna’s mom and dad are drinking wine and laughing out on the porch when Hanna sees a text message on her dad’s phone, which is still in the kitchen.  It’s from Isabel and it says that she’s sorry and she’d marry him in a phone booth.  She says she loves him and wants him to call her.  Hanna stares at the message and is tempted to delete it, but realizing the implications of doing this, and remembering that she’s trying to change, she decides against it.  Also, two-thirds of that sentence is complete bullshit — Hanna of course looks at the message and then immediately deletes it from her dad’s phone.

“Anita” (Aria) is cleaning up in the ceramics class and Jenna asks her to take her pot and place it on the turntable for her, so she can “see” how it turned out.  Jenna says that she can’t really “see” much of anything, just some shadows.  Which is interesting, as I was under the impression that Jenna was full-on blind.  But having never been blind, I have no idea what it’s like, so I’m sure my impression of it is certainly always going to be wrong.  It turns out that Jenna’s pot is actually a candle holder with many little holes in it — she asks “Anita” to light a candle and place it in the holder, which she does, turning off the lights as well after Jenna asks her to do so.  It’s kind of pretty, actually.  Jenna says that she used to swim a lot in a lake, gliding along the bottom, turning around and looking up, watching the “sunlight break into a million pieces, like beads, and as you got closer, the light would bounce and it would dance.”  That was what Jenna was trying to capture with the candle holder.  Jenna’s speech is just a touch too corny for me, but it’s still a nice moment — like the moment with Alison earlier, it’s nice to see a more human, emotional side of Jenna, instead of the mysterious and bitchy cipher that we’ve only encountered so far.  “Anita” spins the holder on the turntable and says it’s beautiful, and the light is soft . . . But before she can finish, Jenna recognizes her as Aria and orders her to blow out the candle.

In her room, Spencer’s reading (of course) and overhears Melissa on the phone saying that she wants to “make sure she’s asleep” and that she’ll meet someone somewhere.  Spencer calls Emily, and while the phone rings, Emily’s mom enters her room — only an envelope in her hands this time.  But, oh, though the envelope is light, it’s intention is heavy, my friends.  Because this letter is the letter from Danby, just like the one Emily had thrown away earlier.  Pam reads the letter and is very excited, telling Emily that they need to tell her dad right away.  When her mom leaves, Emily freaks out and empties her trash, only to find a letter from who else but our own little “A.”

“P.S. I also mailed that fan letter to Justin Bieber.  YOU’RE WELCOME.”

Hanna and Aria are over at Spencer’s house, where Aria says that she thinks she made things worse with Jenna, especially if Jenna is “A” (which I highly doubt is the case).  Spencer spies Melissa out the window, and the girls head out to follow her.  Who is Melissa meeting?  Is the suspense killing you?  Let me relieve that:  It’s Wren.  The guy Melissa was engaged to at the beginning of last season.  I’d be surprised if I hadn’t have assumed this from the “Previously on . . .” segment.  Wren hands Melissa a package, which Spencer thinks is pain medication for Ian.  Hanna brings up a good point — Melissa is asking the guy she dumped to help out her murderer husband . . . why exactly?  Wren drives off, leaving Melissa with her package.

“Oh, mother fuc — I wanted vanilla kreme-filled, you stupid limey bastard!”

Meanwhile, a shadow falls across the upstairs window of Jason’s house . . .

End Credits “A” Sequence:  At the pawn shop, gloved hands throw down some cash as the pawn dude says that he figured he’d never see some girl again . . . and hands “A” Melissa’s wedding ring . . .  Oh, dip!