Pretty Little Liars: Brother Can You Spare A Crime?

Wow! What a fan-friggin-tastic episode of Pretty Little Liars! Not only were there secrets and lies and flashbacks (oh my!) at every turn, but supporting characters, new and old, were just popping out of the woodwork.

The episode opens with our winsome foursome planning out Alison’s (long overdue) memorial service. Apparently they all chipped in and commissioned some local artist to create a bird bath in her honor. Personally, I think the bowl looks like a piece of shit with little poo figurines dancing around the rim. Is the tall one supposed to be Alison? What is she handing the other girls? Insults? If Alison were alive she would HATE her own memorial!

I hope they got a gift receipt for this thing!

Buggy lets it be known that her mom is conveniently renting out the apartment over her art gallery. Side note: check out Buggy’s hipster t-shirt with built-in suspenders that she doesn’t even clip to her pants! Ugh! I only make fun of her wardrobe because she tries way too hard! (And fails!)

Yup, the bird bath still looks like crap from this angle, too!

The girls make reference to Alison’s (heretofore never mentioned) brother Jason coming in to town for the memorial service. PS, when, where, and why did Alison’s family move out of Rosewood after she died? And why wouldn’t her parents come for the memorial? Did casting run out of money to hire two old farts to play her folks?

Talk of immortality leads Schnoz to indulge in the episode’s first flashback, of Alison and the girls sunning by the lake. Alison creeps the girls out by telling them how fabulous it would be to die young in some mysterious way. Hmm. Allow me to help you with that, my dear!

I hope they’ve got SPF 1000! It looks like they’re tanning on Mars!

Blondie complains to her mom how embarrassing it is that a store cut up her credit card, and Mama Sydney tells her that things are a little tight lately with Daddy Warbucks gone, so they’re going to have to cut back on the spending. WAY back. No more champagne and caviar. No more Louboutins. No more SK-II face masks. And botox will have to be every OTHER month from now on. It’s actually a really depressing scene. Moving on.

Homemade coffee instead of Starbucks?! Might as well just move under a freeway or kill yourself!

Alison’s brother Jason shows up. Supposedly he used to be all punk and goth and emo, but I’m not buying it. This ivy league douche fell out of his mother’s womb wearing loafers and sipping a Tom Collins. But why the change? That remains a mystery! Jason complains about the town’s retarded police force and their inability to find Alison’s killer. Then he basically trashes the girls’ efforts and takes over the memorial service, adding Jenna’s name to the list of speakers! The girls are horrified she’s gonna use the service to blow their secrets, so they nominate Schnoz to diffuse this bomb.

I don’t know which makes me more nauseous: Jason or that tie?

A Homecoming flier still hanging up causes Buggy to flashback to her beloved Fitzy, who’s still MIA. This flashback goes on for way too long and feels like useless filler. Side note: PLL and Gasmii fan Sweet_Dee came up with a genius couple name for Buggy and Fitzy – FUGGY. Loves it! I think we will start using it from now on!

Sean tells Blondie that they can score some awesome concert tix from his friend Noel if she can get Aria to go as Noel’s date with them. It’s so pathetically high school that I love it. The scene ends with Sean saying “cooties” and Blondie saying “goober.” So lame I love it more!

Now that Toby is out of the picture (for the time being) Lezzy has decided to come out of the closet and get her flirt on with Maya in public and she even asks her out on a real date! Whoa! Side note: My friend Kenny will kill me for saying this, but this is the first time where actress Bianca Lawson is starting to show her age a little bit. The lighting on her is way harsh, Tai! And that “youthful” crocheted cap is not distracting me from her crow’s feet! It might be time to smear some Vaseline on the lens!

I know the truth hurts, Bianca, but that zombie look is OUT!

Blondie helps uber-nerd Lucas with the yearbook, and when he calls her smart she nearly drops her panties for him! She then starts fondling his camera which gets Lucas all hot and bothered. He then tells her about how he made money selling stuff on eBay. The words “boys” “40 year old men” and “toys” are bandied about and the scene takes on a weird tone. But it does give Blondie an idea how to make some cash.

Blondie’s all about “girth.”

Lezzy gets a call from her mom that her strict military father is going to be coming home from Afghanistan soon. Oh, great! She better enjoy Maya’s company now before daddy comes home and tries to put a stop to their sapphic shenanigans.

Schnoz plays with Alison’s friendship bracelet, which leads her to another flashback. This time, Jenna still has her eyesight. Unfortunately, with the sunglasses she looks like a 35 year old cougar from The Real Housewives of New Jersey! Schnoz asks bitchy Alison if she ever gets tired of trash-talking Jenna and Toby. Alison tells her to shut it. Whoa! Dissension in the ranks!

Sunglass prescription WHORE!

Schnoz then gets a cryptic text from “A” about Tom Sawyer, but I’m to illiterate to get this reference. Any nerdy Literature majors wanna comment on this one?

I’ll be watching? Now “A” is a Peeping Tom (Sawyer!)

Blondie tries desperately to convince Buggy to join her, Sean, and Noel at the concert. After all, Noel used to be her biggest crush in middle school. Buggy refuses, then has a flashback to Alison goading her into asking Noel out. Buggy reconsiders, and texts Blondie that she’s sorry and now down to go to the concert.

Officer Wilden pays Blondie a visit, fishing for info about Toby. He then wants her to keep her mouth shut about his inappropriate affair with her mom, since Jason is on the war path and looking to stir up trouble.

Schnoz creeps up on Jenna, who’s reading a Braille copy of Us Weekly. She demands to know what Jenna is up to and what she plans to say at the memorial. Jenna can barely contain her disdain for our pretty little liars, and Schnoz threatens her not to destroy Alison’s memory. Jenna then drops the bomb that Alison told her she was done with her friends, that she was afraid of them! Inneresting …

Maybe Schnoz will be the one flipping tables on Jenna!

Blondie appreciates Lucas’ help with hawking her handbags online. She fibs and says she needs the cash cuz her mom cut her off. She then has a flashback to Alison picking on Lucas (aka “Hermy”) and her own feeble attempt to stand up to Alison. (In real life, this scene would NEVER happen!)

Aye, aye, Captain!

The next delicious scene features Mama Sydney with Buggy’s Dad, and I’m so excited these two finally get some screen time together! I haven’t seen them together since his guest spot on Melrose Place as Sydney’s billionaire boyfriend. God, that was EONS ago! Anywho, Byron hands Mama Syd an envelope of cash, which she mistakes for a handout! But it’s really Buggy’s share of the shiteous bird bath. Hilarity ensues. Then they start to kibbitz about being single parents, and there’s totally a “moment” between them!

What if Buggy and Blondie become step-sisters?!

Jason, Schnoz, and Lezzy witness Officer Wilden making an official search of Toby’s locker. Jason and Wilden get rather pissy with eachother, and then Wilden drops a doozy: he says Toby (or someone using his phone) called Alison the night she disappeared. Suddenly, Toby is the prime suspect in her murder!

As Lezzy puts her ugly scarf on for her date with Maya, she has a flashback of Alison telling the girls about the town’s infamous “Kissing Rock.” Alison then totally tries to put the moves on Lezzy and get her to go with her. Weird.

This look is anything but subtle.

Buggy is being a total spoil sport on her double date with Noel, Blondie, and Sean. Not that I blame her. Noel is CRAZY about his crazy bread! The doorbell rings, and it’s Lucas, dressed like a mega nerd. Sean is pissed, and Blondie is embarrassed. Lucas tells Blondie their project was a success, and he hands her a manilla envelope full of twenties! YES! Look out, weekend, cuz, here I come!

Lezzy and Maya find seats at the movie and talk about Lezzy’s dad coming home in 10 days and how excited she is. Maya then asks if she gets to meet him. DUDE! You just got Lezzy to come out, and you’re barely into your first date! Slow your roll, girlfriend! No wonder Lezzy doesn’t respond. Maya looks pissed, but I don’t feel bad for her. Lezzy makes it up to her by holding her hand though.

Schnoz and Jason are going over the final details of the memorial. Jason remarks how Schnoz was the only one who ever stood up to Alison, and he recalls hearing some of their fights through his bedroom wall. Schnoz asks if he wonders who really killed Alison. Jason says he doesn’t care for justice, as long as his family gets closure. He then tells Schnoz that Alison told him “everything” about the fire, and how it was all Schnoz’s idea!! This is a total lie! And even Jason knows it. But he uses it as leverage against poor Schnoz. “You are just like Alison!” Schnoz whispers. “In some ways, even worse!” he hisses.

Meet your new leading villain!

Lezzy and Maya start making out in the movie theater and spill popcorn all over the place. Double EWW!

Noel tries to cheer Buggy up, and he actually seems a little cute / sweet. He even gets Buggy to crack a smile and temporarily forget about Fitzy.

Well played, casting department!

Schnoz calls an emergency meeting to tell the girls how manipulative Alison is still being from beyond the grave! There’s lots of tortured, overwrought expressions.

The next day, Mama Sydney is horrified that Blondie used her spending money to stock up on groceries. She feels like a failure as a mother. Sadness.

Finally, it’s the memorial service for Alison. Just as Schnoz is about to speak, guest star Ryan Merriman strolls in and all the girls are confused. So am I. Apparently he is Ian, Melissaraptor’s ex. Hmm. The plot thickens. Was he cheating on Schnoz’s sister with Alison? Could Melissaraptor be Alison’s killer?! My mind is reeling with possibilities. I’m excited to see where his character goes!

This is getting GOOD!

Officer Wilden walks in, and the emotional speeches begin. Zzzz. It’s all kinda trite and fake, considering that Alison was such a snatch to everyone. Schnoz is the most sincere when she says that Alison would have loved all of this attention. Jason then helps Jenna up to the podium and our girls squirm uncomfortably in their seats. Luckily, Jengina gives a rather heartfelt speech about what a good friend Alison was to her in the hospital.

Squirm, baby, squirm!

Later, Jason thanks the girls for their hard work, and then says he has something they should have: it’s Alison’s friendship bracelet! Jason says she was wearing it when the police found her. But wait! They already found an identical one in the woods! There were two? Is “A” messing with them? Dun dun dun!

Why was Jason keeping the bracelet in a pink coin purse?

And as always, “A” made a shady appearance at the very end, and in the dead of night, DESTROYED the entire park memorial! Ha! Adios, bird bath! Good riddance!

Nothing can hold a candle to “A’s” rage!

Wow! Good ep! And sadly, only one left before the mid-season finale on August 10! Leave your comments, gasmii!