Pretty Little Liars: Burn, Maybe, Burn

COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!  It’s time for coffee, because it’s 8am and there’s still about 4 hours left until everyone has to go to school.  Do teens today REALLY drink this much coffee?  Granted, I hate coffee — with the exception of a half-decalf-half-regular frappacino with no whipped cream every once in a while — but I didn’t know one person in high school who drank coffee.  And if they did, my god, they did NOT drink this much.  If I was the parent of a teenage girl (and I’m not saying that I’m not), I think I would probably say something like, “Holy shit, lay off the coffee.  You’re a teenager.  You have enough energy without all that caffeine. Here, have some Sunny D and call it a damn day, because you’re a freaking KID.”  There is a fine line between coffee lover and fricking caffeine addict, kids.

And that line is named Jessie Spano.

Seriously, I’m worried that teenage girls will watch this show, get hopped up on mocha lattes, and have a caffeine-laden freak out in the middle of American history.

“I wonder if Aria ever feels like the earth is suddenly spinning way faster than it normally does and I can totally feel my heart beating in my feet and why is it beating so fast and I can totally see through time now and OHMIGOD IF I DON’T GET A CAFFE AMERICANO IN THE NEXT 10 SECONDS I AM GOING TO DIE!!!!!!”

Everyone’s over at Hanna’s house, because they’ve already been up since 4am, and there’s plenty of time to discuss everything before school starts in another 7 hours.  Apparently, there are plumbing problems in the guest room, so Emily and Hanna have to share Hanna’s room (remember — Emily’s staying with Hanna while Pam is out of town collecting boxes of miscellany from each of the 50 states).  They talk about Garrett (the cop) and Spencer says they’re trusting him with Ian’s $10,000, which confuses me.  Are they talking about the money that non-gay-porn Logan Reed got from the Craigslist ad?  Color me confused.  And also color me moving on, because I don’t want to dwell.  Hanna asks if the cops can trace the money from Ian to her.  Wait, what?  What am I missing?  This isn’t about the ring money . . . I’m so confused.  Talk leads to the fashion show and how much that “A” stuff sucked at the end.  Aria’s all, “This isn’t just about making us look like bitches any more, is it.”  No, Aria, it’s not.  I’m pretty sure “A” realized that you guys are doing a fine job of that yourselves.

“Hang on.  I have a hard time concentrating unless my heart is beating as fast as a hummingbird’s.”

Emily says that now it’s about other things, especially since now it looks like “A” killed Alison.  I actually don’t think “A” is Alison’s killer.  If anything, an overdose of carmel macchiatos is what killed Alison.  The doorbell rings, and Hanna answers it, coming back with a gift basket from “A” — the note says, “What fun.  Two little liars under one roof.  You’re making it so easy. – A.”  Hanna:  “It’s not even good candy.”  HA!  HAHAHAHA!  Can Hanna have a spin-off please?  No?  Well, I guess we’ll have to make do with shampoo commercials then.  Credits.  Wouldn’t it have been cool if each season for the opening credits a different girl did the “Shhhhh” thing?  I like to think so.

The next morning (or something), Aria’s picking out clothes, and her mom is in the room, telling her that she doesn’t need anything too fancy for a dinner they’re hosting at the house.  Mike walks out the front door, no doubt trying to steal some stuff from the softer side of the Rosewood Sears before he makes it to school.  More clothes talk and Byron (Aria’s dad) talks to Ella about their guests for the dinner party.  Byron wants to invite Ezra Fitz!  He says that Ezra’s no longer Aria’s teacher, so there’s no conflict of interest.

” . . . Except that time he touched one of my boobs.  That *may* be a conflict of interest.”

Over at Hanna’s, Emily is making breakfast.  I mean, why the hell not?  It’s only 10am by this point, so they don’t have to leave for school for another 4 or 5 hours.  Remember when you were so tired and cranky in the mornings before school (because you were a damn TEENAGER) that you grabbed an un-toasted Pop Tart and ate it on the drive to school?  This behavior does not exist in the universe of Pretty Little Liars.  No, in this universe, girls make whole wheat toast and egg white omelets (or “omelettes” if you prefer) with — honest to god — decorative parsley on the plate.   She wanted to thank Hanna and Ashley for letting her stay with them, hence the breakfast.  Ashley asks if Emily’s talked to Pam, and Emily replies:  “Yeah, I talked to her after my run.”  Oh, okay.  So you went for a run, took a shower, got dressed, and then made a semi-gourmet breakfast.  Typical teenage behavior.  Why is there so much morning action on this show?!  I do not understand.  Hanna gets a text from her dad, saying he’ll come over later.  Emily’s a little sore from her training, and I don’t know why that’s important, but what the hell, I’ll throw it in.

“Well, it’s almost 10:30, so I guess we should start eating, since my first class starts in 2 hours.”

Spencer is actually NOT eating breakfast, but her dad IS drinking coffee.  COFFEE!  He asks her if Toby’s okay with working on their yard; I guess Daddy Hastings wants to clear the yard from the barn all the way to their property line.  Spencer says that Toby can totally do that — as long as her dad can make sure he’s hired for the contract expansion.  Daddy H. agrees.  He adds that he stopped Jason from building the fence he’s been working on all season, since it was on the Hastings property line.  Spencer’s confused.

At Hollis College, Aria’s bossing Ezra around, per usual.  She tells him that he needs to cancel the dinner with her parents.  Ezra rightfully brings up the fact that just a few days ago, Aria wanted Ezra to tell her parents that they’ve been dry-humping each other for weeks.  Ezra says that maybe at a nice dinner at her parents house, they’ll get used to Ezra, and used to seeing him with Aria.  Yeah, pretty sure they’ll probably still be hung up on that whole barely-borderline-statutory thing, but hey, it’s your life, so go for it, Fitz.  Lucy Hale looks really pretty in this scene, you guys.  Too bad Aria sucks.

It’s about 1pm by this point, based on everything that’s already happened, so you know what that means — school’s starting!  Hanna sees Caleb fighting with some guy — probably over his dirty hippie hair — and when it’s over, he tells her that he “totally pimped out” the guy’s phone and he won’t pay.  He tells Hanna that he can’t really do anything about it, since he’s doing something illegal, and she tells him that he should go “legit,” but he says that Hanna can’t solve all his problems for him.  Word.  Unless those problems involve moist, tasty cupcakes.

Mike’s working on his homework, listening to some random band on his mp3 player, when his dad comes in and tells him about the dinner party.  Mike says he can’t make it, that he’s “got stuff.”  Yeah, stuff to steal!  I should add that Mike has this really stupid rearview mirror on his desk, so that he can, I guess, see who’s coming into his room and look at them without turning around.  I’m sure he stole it, but still — it’s not cool, Mike, it’s just dumb.  One of the guests tonight is a lacrosse coach at Hollis, so maybe Mike could make an appearance?  No, Mike’s busy.  Finally, Byron acts like at least 1/8 of a parent and is all, This is important to the family, and we want you to be here tonight.  Mike agrees.

Incredibly lame props are lamer than they appear.

In the back of Spencer’s yard, Toby is clearing out some trees — he wanted to get started ASAP.  Spencer says that she can set up a chair and just fan herself while she watches him work.  Hee.  I like Troian Bellasario, guys.  I think out of all the young actresses on this show, she’s the most actress-y.  I predict that she’ll play the victim in some courtroom/police-y movie soon and get rave reviews.  I don’t know if her films will be the most successful out of the group (I’m sure Lucy Hale will play some superhero’s brainy girlfriend and Ashley Benson will be in a smattering of rom-coms), but she’ll probably have the most diverse and acclaimed career out of the group.  And for the record, I like Shay Mitchell, but I see her having an acting career that’s mostly television.  Holy crap, I am so getting off the subject this week!

Back to Tobes.  Spencer offers to make Toby a grilled cheese.  Awww!  Mr. Hastings comes up to see the progress and Toby says that he was thinking about what Mr. Hastings wants to do with the yard.  Toby says he’s not an architect.  Wait, what?  Toby’s NOT an architect?  I could have sworn he was!  Well.  This show has deceived me for the last time!  The LAST TIME!!!

Well, I spoke to Flipit, and he talked me down and told me that a.) I’m a valued member of the TVGasm team, and most importantly, 2.) no one else wants to recap this show. So, let’s move on.  Now, Toby’s not an architect (Deceit!), but he did do some sketches of what Mr. Hastings could do with the yard and barn and junk.  Mr. Hastings likes them and wants to keep them.  Yay!

“I’d move the Quidditch field to the north side of the Forbidden Forest, but other than that, it’s a keeper!”

I’m sort of confused, since Spencer’s in the same outfit as before — is this before school, during lunch, after school, or a Saturday?  Ugh, time as we know it does not exist on this show.  Spencer and Toby kiss.

At school — so is it before school, after school, or between classes?! — Aria goes in to talk to her mom, but Jason’s there.  He stopped by to talk to the guidance counselor about talking to some at-risk teens, to tell them that there “IS life after high school.”

“That’s right, kids!  If I can inherit a shit-ton of money from a dead relative and move back into my old house, then so can you!”

I’m glad that Jason’s off The Drugs, but it’s not like he has some inspiring story.  It’s not like he pulled himself out of a black hole of what I’m sure was just Natural Light and reefer (oooooooh, hardcore!) and then went to work with orphaned Himalayan whistle kids.  He inherited money.  That’s not inspiration, that’s luck.  I’m so negative this week!  Here, I’ll say something positive:  Everyone on this show has really good hair.  Jason thanks Ella for the note she wrote to his mom.  Oh, and also, Ella invited Jason to the dinner party.  Aria rightfully asks why Ella did that.  She says it’s partly because of the fashion show incident and partly because Jason needs human contact.  No, he doesn’t, Ella.  Jason needs to be shut off from the world because he’s skeevy.  Would I be saying that about Jason 1.0?  Probably not.  But Jason 2.0 gives me the heevy skeevies.  Ella says that she knows the fashion show incident wasn’t the fault of the PLL gang, but she doesn’t like the fact that someone’s out to get her daughter, so she needs to know if there’s someone who’s bullying Aria.  Aria just says it was a dumb prank that didn’t mean anything.  Ella says that Mr. Fitz is coming to the party, and Aria will probably want to get used to calling him Ezra.  Or, you know, snooky-ookums.

Over at Hanna’s, Hanna has her headphones on and is cutely singing loudly to the song, while Emily is over in a corner being boring and studying, annoyed by Hanna.  Have you guys seen videos of Shay Mitchell and Ashley Benson on youtube?  They’re very cute — they seem like really good friends.  Check them out some time.  Emily throws a stuffed animal at Hanna to get her attention and tells her that she was being too loud.  The talk turns to Caleb and his “business,” and Em wonders how Hanna feels about it.  But Hanna ignores her and goes back to her music.

At school the next day (or whatever), Emily tells Aria she’s slightly annoyed with Hanna, but glad things worked out the way they did.  Spencer asks if Emily talked to Garrett about that mystery $10,000 that is still confusing me (This is what you’re thinking right now:  “Why is this asshat even recapping this show if he doesn’t know what’s going on?!  He can’t even keep up!!  Pass the Cheetos.  Don’t LOOK at me, you bastard, just hand me the Cheetos!”).  Em hasn’t spoken with him, but when Spencer offers to talk to Garrett, Em jumps all over that.  Em leaves and Spencer asks Aria if she’ll go with her to talk to Garrett, but she can’t, because of that dinner.  Aria tells Spencer that Jason’s coming and that Ella feels sorry for him, then she runs off to class.

Spencer talks to Garrett outside, where he says that Logan quit his job after Emily talked to him last time, and no one at Hollis — where he was a student — has seen him since.  Garrett says that he’ll find Logan, and he’ll call her if there’s any news, but it will all lead back to Ian anyway.

“Wow, there is a LOT of pigeon crap on this part of the car.”

Ashley has Ella over for some talk about the fashion show incident.  Ella tells Ashley that she thinks that this has been going on for awhile, and Ashley agrees.  Ashley also says that they shouldn’t have separated the girls and that Peter Hastings convinced them to do it.  Ashley curiously adds that Peter has never met a problem that he couldn’t buy off.  Kind of like how you did, Ashley.  Except with sex.  But I’ll forgive you because you’re pretty and fabulous, and I want to go shopping with you and Ella and then have drinks at The Only Restaurant In Rosewood.

Toby’s still clearing the Hastings yard, when all of a sudden, he finds something buried underneath some dirt and leaves and junk.  It appears to be a wooden stick of some sort, with some athletic tape around a part of it with the word “HASTINGS” written on the tape.  It could be a knife.  Or enchanted traveling pants.  It’s hard to tell.  Mr. Hastings shows up and grabs the stick/knife/traveling pants and asks where Toby found it, even though any other answer than “buried in the yard” would clearly be ridiculous and wrong.  Toby asks why someone would bury it, and Mr. Hastings tells him not to worry about it and then runs off.

“Well.  You just made my Glare List, you big butthole.”

Glare powers activate!  Time for the Montgomery party!  Jazz music plays as a couple of their guests talk about their baby.  You’d be interested to know that the actress playing the mother played Buffy’s first college roommate in a hilarious and awesome episode of Buffy’s awesome — and my personal favorite — season 4.  (Although Riley suuuuucccckkks, but that’s the actor’s fault for being incredibly dull and as wooden as a tree made of Tobys.)  The mom asks where Mike is, but Byron and Ella say that he’s kind of on his own time and will show up eventually.  Ezra shows up with a bottle of scotch which Byron appreciates.  When he’s gone, Aria asks if that’s the scotch that Ezra said tastes like “diet cola and iodine.”  Hee.  How is it distinguishable from any other scotch, then?  I do not know.  Ezra says he asked the guy at the liquor store what Byron liked.  Yeah, when a liquor store owner knows you well enough to tell a complete stranger what kind of alcohol you like, it might be time to find another place to shop, ya damn lush.  The doorbell rings, and who should be at the door but Jason 2.0.  Awkward!

Ah, so Toby tells Spencer that the stick is actually part of a hockey stick, and it was snapped off and also kind of splintered like someone used it to hit something hard.

“Like a puck!”

“No, sweetie — “

“Or like a ball, like a really hard field hockey . . . ball . . . thing.  A hard ball thing, A REALLY HARD BALL THING!!”

“That’s just . . . You’re exhausting.  You know, you just . . . You just annoy me.  I am annoyed.”

I think we’re supposed to think that the stick could have been used to kill Alison, and not used to hit really hard ball things.  Toby tells her that her dad saw it, and while at first he thought Mr. Hastings was angry, he now thinks that he was just scared.  He says that the stick had her name on it and . . . Bitchy Alison Flashback Time!!

Alison is trying out Spencer’s hockey stick and Aria says that she didn’t know that Alison was so interested in field hockey.  Aria also has a teeny-tiny barely-there streak of possibly pink in her hair, which is I guess a throwback to when Jason said Aria had “pink hair,” but it’s not nearly enough to be that memorable.  I was picturing all pink, actually.  Not enough, PLL, not enough.  Alison says that she’s not interested in field hockey.  The flashback ends as Spencer’s on the phone with Aria, and Spencer tells her that while you don’t bury “old sports equipment, you [do] bury murder weapons,” and that the stick was in Alison’s room all summer — anyone could have taken it.  Even, perhaps . . . a brother?!  Dun dun DUNNNNNN!  Then the flashback starts up again.  Jason shows up and tells Alison that their mom wants to talk to her.  Then Jason takes the hockey stick and Alison’s all, Give it back, and Jason’s all, “Or what?” and then acts like he’s going to hit her with it.

“I AM SO MESSED UP ON 32 OUNCES OF ROLLING ROCK THAT I COULD KILL YOU!!!!!”

Jason doesn’t kill Alison, and when Alison gets the hockey stick back, she does the same thing back to him, but doesn’t kill Jason either.  Obviously.  Jason’s all, You’re not gonna get a second chance.  After the flashback, Spencer, still on the phone with Aria, brings up the fact that Jason can’t remember what happened the night Alison died after he most likely had a peach daiquiri at Carlos O’Kelly’s and two puffs on a joint in his car in the parking lot.  Drugs!  Aria says that “A” could have planted it and Spencer’s like, Um, except none of us were the ones to find it.  Touche, Spencer.  She goes on to say that if her dad hadn’t stopped Jason from building the fence, then no one would have found it.  Say WHHHAAAT?!  So THAT’S why Mr. Hasting’s didn’t want Jason to build the fence.  Well, let’s add Mr. Hastings to the list of 27 Alison’s killer suspects and to the list of 1,244 unsolved mysteries on this show.  Keep piling on those mysteries, PLL writers.  Just keep piling them on.  Spencer tells Aria to think about what happened and what it means.  But can Aria ignore her raging lady boner for Jason long enough to think rationally?  Yeah, don’t count on it.

Emily can’t take Hanna’s quirks any longer and decides to study at the library.  Hanna:  “Is this a gay thing?”  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Oh, I do ever so love Hanna/Ashley Benson.  Emily’s all, “No, it’s a brain thing.”  Not as funny.  Caleb of course shows up when Emily’s leaving.  I’m loving Ashley B. in this scene.  Hanna’s mom isn’t home, so it’s mack time, y’all!

“Mmmmm your hair is so unwashed and greasy.  Kiss me, dirty hippie!  Kiss me!”

Back at the Montgomery party, Ezra is saying this:  “It was either going to Japan or Europe.  I ended up biking through Connor Pass on my way to Kerry.”  Causing me, if I were at this party, to look like this (while thinking this):

(“F**king douche . . .”)

When asked by Byron why he picked Ireland, Ezra says he “loves Joyce and Beckett and wanted to see where they started.”  Oh, please.  Joyce is okay, but Beckett’s play are a mess of pretentious, boring nonsense.  Is he important to the history of theatre?  I guess, but still, I’d rather spend a night with Marcus Bachmann than watch a Beckett play.

“Waiting for . . . FABULOOOOUUUUSSSS!”

Just when you think Ezra’s wanna-be-philosophical-zen moment is bad enough, Jason chimes in with the fact that he “cycled” on the “Kona coast.”  Hey, Byron asks, isn’t that where they have the triathlon?  Why yes, yes it is, Byron!  Thank you!  Jason says that he wanted to “clear his head before he came back here.  Riding those lava fields is like being on the moon, you know?”

“Oh, for f**k’s sake — where’s that scotch?!?!”

At this point, I’d have retreated to the kitchen, where Ella and I would be eating leftover cheese cubes and doing shots of tequila, both laughing at those two d-bags and saying things like, “Moon lava?!  MOON LAVA?!  HAHAHAHA, what the hell was that crap?!  Hahaha, what a dumbass.”  I bet Ella (and Holly-Marie Combs, for that matter) is/are fun to drink with.  There’s a way to tell stories about your life without people thinking you’re a cocky a-hole, people, and both Ezra and Jason just demonstrated the way NOT to do it.

At this point, the doorbell rings, and — cheese it!  It’s the cops!  Turns out Mike broke into a house over on Larson.  Oh dear god, no, not Larson!!!  Byron and Ella head over to the police station, leaving Aria to listen to Ezra’s story about the time he bicycled across Tierra Del Fuego on a spiritual journey and Jason’s story about the time he swam with dolphins in Costa Rica, really connecting with them on some primal, emotional level.  Liquor, please!

At night, Toby’s putting away his tools when Mr. Hastings comes up and tells Toby he thought the hockey stick was junk from the DiLaurentis yard and he realized when he got it home that it was Spencer’s.  He tells Toby not to mention it, but Toby says he already did.  He says it didn’t seem to mean anything to Spencer, and Mr. Hastings tells him not to tell her about this conversation as well.

Aria’s putting away the dishes and tells Ezra that he was doing really well during the party.  He asks why Jason was there and Aria tells him that Ella is friends with Jason’s mom.  Aria pours Jason some more coffee while Ezra’s in the kitchen and he tells her to sit down and take a breath.  Aria says she blames herself for Mike’s stealing, but Jason tells her it’s not her fault.  He asks her how many places Mike has broken into, while Ezra watches from the kitchen.

In the police station parking lot, Byron gets about 12% more parent-y by telling Mike that they’re going to talk about what just happened, even if he doesn’t want to.  I’m not a parent, but my gut instinct tells me there are two ways to handle this:  1.) Just say nothing, and be really, really disappointed, making the kid feel incredibly guilty until he bawls and says he’ll never do it again, at which point you finally tell him you love him.  2.) Yell and scream and act like a damn crazy person to scare the kid into never doing it again.  Parents?  Thoughts?  Mike gets in the car.  Mike is an asshole.  I hate Mike.  My opinions of the Montgomery children are not high, people.  Ella asks Byron how they missed this — Mike’s not a criminal.  Um, look around you, Ella.  Mike got arrested.  You’re at the police station.  There are police walking around you.  If that doesn’t scream “criminal,” I don’t know what does.  She says that there has to be an underlying reason for the theft, so they need to do a better job of talking to Mike and asking him questions.  Questions like, “Why are you such a butthead, Mike?”

Meanwhile, back at Aria’s house –

“This scotch reminds me of the time I was horseback riding across the Canadian Rockies, searching for truth and meaning in the ancient scent of the aspen trees and finding faith and hope in the cold, crystal clear streams above the treeline.”

Suck it, teach.  Jason and Ezra are alone in the den or sitting room or whatever.  Jason asks Ezra how he knows the Montgomerys and Ezra tells him that he used to teach with Ella.  Jason’s all, “Did you have Aria?”  Oh, very clever turn of phrase, PLL writers.  ” . . . In any of your classes?”  he finishes.  Ezra says that he did.  Meanwhile, Aria’s in Mike’s room, looking for stuff he stole.  Or the map to One-Eyed Willie’s treasure.  Could go either way.  She finds a bag and when she opens it, she finds that clay pot that Jenna made a few episodes ago!  Oh, dip!!  She runs downstairs and tells Ezra and Jason that they should go because her parents are about to come back.

Caleb’s still at Hanna’s house, on the phone with another “client.”  Hanna’s disappointed in him and Caleb’s mad at her for judging him a little bit, but she says she’s just worried about him.  He tells her that a few years ago, he was living in Allentown.  Just like those people in that Billy Joel song — “Uptown Girl.”  Or maybe it was “Allentown,” I’m not a music historian.  There were these “actual bad guys” who stole cars and Caleb did some work for them — hacking into the DMV and stuff.  He got out, and the dudes weren’t happy with him, and he split before they could find him.  So, he tells Hanna, he does know the difference between being “sketchy and criminal.”  He doesn’t want to tell the cops because it would be too dangerous.  Hanna says she’ll keep it a secret.

Mr. Hastings is about to burn the hockey stick in the fireplace, when Spencer comes down and begs him not to do it because it’s evidence.  He says that he doesn’t want more evidence around now that Ian’s buried in a grave he paid for.  He says that it needs to be over, so he’s burning the stick.  Spencer says it could be important, and her dad’s all, “Important.  Like the trophy you found?”  Oh, dip, I forgot about that!  Spencer says that she didn’t put the stick in the yard, but her dad says it doesn’t matter who put it there or why, because it’s nothing, it doesn’t exist.  And then he burns the stick.  What the hell is going on with Spencer’s dad?!

Toby and Spencer meet, probably at The Kissing Rock, where Toby tells her that he told her dad that Spencer didn’t think the stick meant anything.  That was a totally confusing sentence for something so simple, and I apologize for that.  Spencer tells him that when she came downstairs she thought that her dad thought that she was the one who killed Alison.  Oh, Spencer, sweetie, no!  Toby is all nice about it and tells her that no one could think that.  He’s right, Spencer!  She thinks that her dad thought it was something that she planted and made up “just to cause trouble and be the center of attention.  That’s all he sees when he looks at me.”  Sad.  That’s sad.  She goes on to say he’ll keep thinking that until they figure out who killed Alison.  She thinks that Alison got up and walked away from Ian and then someone killed her with a “blunt forced object,” like it said in the police report.  Toby says that that’s something cops always say, and don’t give out specific details so they won’t have to deal with a lot of crazy people.  Is this true?  Any of you married to/dating/stalking a cop that can verify this?

Remember that promise Hanna made to Caleb about not telling anyone about his run-in with car thieves like 5 minutes ago?  Yeah.  She already broke that.  She just told Emily all about it.  Hanna says that Caleb had never told anyone else about it, and Emily says that he told Hanna because he trusts her.  Which, was, for all intents and purposes, kind of a dumb thing to do, Caleb.  Ah, but wait!  Hanna actually didn’t tell Emily the details!  She just told her about a “thing Caleb” did, but didn’t tell her about the specifics.  Loophole!  I’m sorry, Hanna.  I didn’t give you enough credit.

“It’s okay, Hypno.  I’m just glad you didn’t fire off another tired cupcake joke.”

For now, Hannie Sue.  For now . . .  Emily says it’s okay that she doesn’t have the details because she has enough secrets right now.  She says she’s glad she’s at Hanna’s and glad that Caleb came back for her.  Their friend moment is interrupted by Hanna’s mom and dad stumbling home, all tipsy and handsy and kissy all over each other.  Emily and Hanna open her bedroom door and spy Hanna’s parents walking up to Ashley’s room.  Hanna’s not exactly thrilled about this.

Back at her house, Aria confronts Mike about stealing and how heinous it was that he stole from a blind girl (Jenna’s magical pot of sunshine).  Mike’s like, I didn’t steal from no blind girl, bitch!  So where’d he get the pot?!  He says that he got the pot from an apartment over a garage somewhere . . . Officer Garrett’s apartment!  Say whaaaaaaa?!  Aria has total oh-shit-face right now.  He says that he thought the clay pot would be worth some money so he took it.  Hahahaha!  Yeah, that thing just SCREAMS valuable, doesn’t it?  Please.

Speaking of Officer Garrett, Spencer’s sitting in his police car, asking him if the police know what type of weapon killed Alison.  Garrett says it would be in the coroner’s report and Spencer asks him if it could show how big, sharp, etc. the weapon would be, and Garrett says that it won’t change the fact that Ian killed Alison and since he’s dead, everything is peachy keen.  Spencer says she’s not so sure that Ian was the killer.  Spencer, shut your mouth!  Shut it!  Now!  Garrett asks her why she doesn’t think Ian killed Alison, but before she can answer, Garrett gets a message over his radio, and Spencer gets a text from Aria saying that she can’t trust Garrett.  Garrett turns to Spencer and asks who she thinks killed Alison.  AAAAAAA!  Get out of the car, Spencer!

End Credits “A” Sequence:  A gloved hand opens up a small case, which contains a syringe and a bottle of some liquid.  Big deal, so “A” has diabetes and has to have insulin shots.  BORRRRING!  But wait . . . the gloved hand fills the syringe with the liquid and injects it into a bottle or tube of something which *may* be toothpaste, but may not be (I’m leaning toward not, as I’m of the mind that it’d be pretty hard to poison someone via toothpaste).  I have to say, this is at least 1000% more sinister than ordering boots online.  But what does it all mean?!

This episode may not have been action-packed, but it was certainly very intriguing and, par for the course, brought up more questions without answering ANY.  And I pray to god this is the end of the whole Mike Steals Things plot, because it’s just so stupid and ridiculous, and Mike is a little a-hole.

And Garrett and Jenna killed Alison.  There.  I said it. (I don’t KNOW that, but that’s what I think.)