Pretty Little Liars: Cupcake Torture

Previously:  Spencer was suspicious of a secret relationship between Alison and Ian.  Apparently that’s the only background info we need for this episode.

Speaking of Spencer, she’s sneaking downstairs while Melissa and Ian whisper ominously about something (I can’t hear what).  A stair creaks and she runs back upstairs while Melissa investigates to see if anyone is listening.  Ian insists that no one could have heard them, and I certainly couldn’t so as far as I know he’s right.  Spencer sneaks back into her room to find a message from A wondering if Ian got married for love or for an alibi.

Well, I highly doubt we got all of these ominous closeups of luggage tags for nothing, so I’m guessing something’s fishy here.

The next morning, Spencer sneaks downstairs again even though it’s broad daylight and she presumably has every reason to be heading downstairs.  She attempts to make some coffee but of course creepy Ian shows up.  He asks if they woke her up last night, but she lies that she didn’t even know they were back.  He mentions that he and Melissa will be moving out and claims that he and Spencer are now family despite how sudden the marriage was.  Spencer starts quizzing him about his offending luggage tags, but he reveals nothing since he’s presumably not an idiot.

Aria’s dad has made breakfast for Aria and her brother, and reveals that their mother is dating other people.  Her little bro does not take the news well.  Meanwhile, Spencer calls up Hilton Head to try to get some info about Ian.  She tells Emily about her suspicions that Alison was with Ian right before she died.  Emily is skeptical about what motivations Ian would have to kill Alison, and they acknowledge the fact that Alison, Toby, our four main girls, and practically everyone else on this show lies like crazy.

Hanna’s mother drops her off and Hanna brings up her guilt over losing the money.  Her mom says she already paid off their debt, but now she can’t invest the rest to earn enough to pay it all back.  Then her mom insists that “it’s only a felony if they find out.”  Best logic ever!  BRB guys, I’m gonna go rob a bank, knock over a couple of liquor stores, and shoot some motherfuckers in the head.  Don’t tell anyone, though!  Then it would be a crime!

Oh, and remember when Hanna was in a wheelchair with a gigantic cast AND crutches for the past two episodes?  Well, guess who’s walking without even the slightest hint of a limp?  Continuity is my favorite.  FBI lady tells the girls that there’s a solid case against Toby, so if they don’t need her for anything else she’s gonna bounce.  Spencer finds out that Ian was at Hilton Head the same weekend as Alison.

Over at school, the girls continue to suspect the omnipresent Noel, who chats up Aria’s little bro.  Sketchy!  Maya comes over and she and Emily discuss their plans for studying later, despite Judgy Mom.  The rest of the girls giggle their approval, because your true friends will love you even if you’re gay.  Thank you for the message, show!

Speaking of messages being sent by this show, let’s check in with our favorite pedophile.  Noel continues to attempt to blackmail Fitzy into giving him an A.  Fitzy refuses until another student comes in and Noel makes an ominous remark about Aria liking older guys.

“How dare you use my illegal relationship against me for a better grade?  I mean, what kind of person ARE you?!”

Hanna, meanwhile, finds this in her locker:

Damn, A is putting in food orders for the girls now?  That stalker is getting thoughtful!

Hanna quickly hides the money when Aria appears, then lies about having physical therapy in order to avoid getting coffee with Aria after school.  Emily heads over with the news that Toby is back at school.  Toby gathers his books from his locker, on which someone has written “KILLER,” and is escorted through school by security and/or police.  Everyone gives him weird looks and one student calls him a murderer to his face.

Quick question: Is it normal for teenagers on trial for murder to attend regular high school classes?  I’m just asking, because I was never on trial for murder as a teenager so I have no firsthand experience.

Hanna picks up her order of half a dozen cupcakes decorated like pigs from downtown and is instructed by A to sit down and eat all of them.  She of course catches a glimpse of Noel nearby.  A few athletes sit down at the next table as she begins eating them.  I find this a bit unrealistic, as it has been my experience that guys are generally impressed by girls who can eat a lot (especially since Hanna is now skinny and gorgeous).  It would have been more realistic for some Plastics to sit down and mock her.  She flashes back to when she was a total heifer and had just eaten an entire pie.  Alison comes over and teaches her about the wonders of bulimia.

“Wait, you mean I can eat like a pig AND be skinny?  Perfect, nothing can go wrong with that!”

Emily and Maya are giggling in her room when her Judgy Mom sees their bare legs through the partially open door.  She busts in all scandalized, as if she would have wanted to see what she thought was going on.  Maya has had enough being judged for one day and heads out, while Emily tells her mother that she is ashamed to be her daughter.

I can’t say I blame Emily.  This is the same mother who wanted her to stay with her borderline-rapist boyfriend.

Hanna has just finished her cupcakes and gotten a message from A telling her to purge when Aria spots her and comes over and finally gets rid of the athletes, who are still oinking at her.  Way to show up late to the party, Aria.  Aria asks Hanna why she lied about physical therapy, and Hanna confesses about the bulimia.  Luckily, she’s past that low point in her life, because at the ripe old age of… sixteen, or whatever, these girls have already led roller coaster lives and overcome many obstacles.  In the bathroom, Hanna doesn’t purge but finds $600 of the stolen money that her mom stole in the paper towel dispenser.  Not bad for eating some cupcakes.

Apparently Maya just ran right out of the house without her bag earlier, so Judgy Mom goes through it until she comes across some marijuana.  And they actually show it and everything!  TV sure has gotten more risque since I was a kid.

Fitzy once again refuses to change Noel’s grade, which angers him quite a bit.  Meanwhile, Spencer is out for a run when she sees Toby across the street and crouches down next to a car (which looks exactly like mine, by the way!  Not that anyone should care) to watch the townsfolk be mean and judge him.  After some little kids run away from him, he runs into an alley to cry, which Spencer seems to find quite moving.

I really wish this kid was a better actor, because this character has so much potential.

Judgy Mom comes in to tell Emily about the drugs in Maya’s bag and they get into a fight after JM forbids Emily from seeing Maya.  Meanwhile, Aria grills her little bro about his chat with Noel at school that day.  Little bro’s name is Mike!  Oh, and Noel told Mike that he saw Fitzy with a female student, but didn’t mention a name.  Aria makes up some excuse about studying with Spencer and runs out to her car.

Of course, she ends up at Fitzy’s, where he tells her that the lying and sneaking around is over.  Apparently their relationship is the “most real and honest thing” in his life.  Fitzy’s going to resign so that Noel can’t tell on them.  Apparently Noel has made him feel like what he’s doing is wrong, and he can’t have that.  And I’m sorry, but this whole thing just gives me the creeps.  I mean sure, in my 18 years of school I came across a couple of good looking, young, male teachers, but the thought of crossing that line always felt just so ICKY to me.  I know we’re supposed to root for these two, but I wish she could just graduate high school first.  Anyway, she tells him she loves him and they smooch for a bit.

Also, what is up with the “O” face Fitzy makes every time they kiss?  It looks like he’s gonna jizz in his pants.

Spencer, meanwhile, actually IS studying like Aria said they would.  She gets distracted by Ian’s boxes and starts to open one when Melissa gets home and she has to dive back to her books and look nonchalant.  Melissa drops something and Spencer picks it up to discover an ovulation kit.  Melissa asks if Spencer can keep a secret from their parents, then says she’s trying to get pregnant.  In her shock, Spencer hilariously asks, “With IAN?!”  Melissa is all, “Duh, little sis.”

Spencer wants to know what the rush is, since Melissa has always been career driven and has never mentioned babies before.  Melissa then says “I don’t feel like I need to be the best and the first anymore.  All those things that used to matter just… don’t seem that important.”  Spencer is concerned that her super-driven sister has been married for all of three days and has done a complete 180 personality-wise.  Seriously, now that she’s married, what does she need a career for?  Babies babies babies!  This is why I love Spencer:  she’s just as perplexed as I am by this utterly ridiculous BS.  Ian walks in and asks why Melissa told Spencer.  Melissa insists that Spencer can keep a secret, and Ian gives her a pointed look and says he knows she can.

Although I think everyone is neglecting the most disturbing thought to come from this conversation:  Nanny Carrie should NOT be allowed around children.

Hanna tried to sneak her hard-earned cash back into the lasagna box, but her mom walks in and busts her.  Hanna claims that she found it in the bathroom at the cupcake place, and mom is skeptical but not going to complain about the influx of cash.  Hanna’s mom also refuses to reveal how she can tell when Hanna is lying, so Hanna awesomely stands in front of the mirror and tells it she is a virgin, then tells it she isn’t a virgin.

Aria calls her father to lie that she’s sleeping over at Spencer’s.  I could never have gotten away with this as a kid, my parents knew all of my friends’ parents and they ALWAYS talked.  Anyway, she and Fitzy commence statutory cuddling by candlelight- I mean, this is the family channel after all.  They’ve got to have some standards.

Spencer has already spilled the beans about Melissa’s impending pregnancy to Hanna, who mispronounces “nuclear.”  Thanks, George W. Bush.  Spencer awesomely corrects her and then voices her suspicion about Melissa sudden decision for children.  Emily comes over and reveals that Maya is being shipped off to juvie camp for three months because of the joint Judgy Mom found.

Fitzy is getting ready to resign when security breaks into Noel’s locker and finds stolen exam answers.  Fitzy and all four girls witness this, and then the girls get a text from A:

A is Also for Aria And her Adult boyfriend.

The girls are at Spencer’s house and Aria is all smiles because A saved her relationship.  Hanna reminds Aria that A also tried to run her down, but as long as Fitzy gets to stay in town it’s all sunshine and roses, right?  Melissa comes in and makes some pleasantries with the girls, which ends in her telling the girls that she doesn’t have to worry about Ian looking at other women.  So he’s gay?  Or a pedophile?  I guess pedophile would make more sense since we know he had something going on with Alison.

Emily arrives and the girls are all super excited to send her upstairs to:

I feel like this should involve a pottery wheel and the immortal combination of Patrick Swayze, Demi Moore, and Whoopi Goldberg.

The rest of the girls go through Ian’s boxes downstairs while Emily and Maya have a bittersweet farewell dance upstairs.  The girls downstairs are accomplishing nothing.  Maya thanks them and hugs everyone goodbye while someone watches from the window.  After she’s gone, Emily thanks them and Hanna mentions another girl who went where Maya is heading for huffing spray paint and came back as a drummer in a gospel band.  Well that’s a reverse True Hollywood Story if I’ve ever heard one.

They get a text from A telling them to head to the computer.

Oh, I hope it’s “Charlie Bit My Finger!”  That one’s my favorite!

It’s the infamous video of Alison that they’ve already seen, but the girls are shocked to discover Ian in the video!

Something tells me there will be more than finger biting going on in this video.

And then!  We see even more than we had seen before.  There are sounds of struggling, and then Alison’s hand falls into the frame, grabs at the leaves on the ground for a second, and then goes limp.  The girls scream as they see this and hear a noise outside.  A runs away through the woods, and the girls try to chase he/she/it but it’s gone by the time they’re outside.  That crafty little minx!

Another scandalous episode, as if there’s any other kind.  I love that Spencer questioned Melissa’s sudden personality transplant.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a big family, but to suddenly decide that out of the blue is just weird.  I have no idea what they’re going to do with Noel at this point, my guess is that he’ll take a backseat for awhile.  What did everyone else think of everything?  I’m dying to know!