Pretty Little Liars: Damnby!

We open at the pawn shop, where the guy is surprised to see Spencer coming back to get her ring.  I’m surprised she has the money.  Where’d she get 2,000 bones?  Meanwhile, Aria, Emily, and Hanna wait for Spence next to the cleanest bum in the cleanest alley in Rosewood.

And thanks to Aria’s outfit, it kind of looks like a still photo from a ’90s video by SWV or 3LW or Brownstone.

I heard it through the grapevyne!  That you ain’t feelin’ too fine!  And I hope that you feel much better!  Yes I do!  Aria says that the place is “skeevy.”  Emily says that her mom now feels like Emily can do no wrong regarding the Danby letter, while Hanna’s all, “Leave it to ‘A’ to make you feel bad about your mom feeling good.”  Well, can’t we sort of blame Emily?  I mean, she came up with the letter idea in the first place — “A” just kind of took it and ran with it.  Meanwhile, the pawn dude comes back with . . . a horseshoe.  A stupid, rusty horseshoe.  And he’s being a really big dick about the whole thing, saying that a lot of people come through and he doesn’t remember her and what-not.  After these shenanigans, everyone gets a text from “A” saying, “Just my luck, diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”  And of course, the girls all look around, because they think that “A” is texting them from somewhere close by, when actually, she/he’s probably at home watching an ANTM marathon on Bravo with her/his hands elbow deep in a bag of flaming hot Cheetos.  Credits.

“There!  Is that ‘A’ up in that tree?!”  “That’s a squirrel, Hanna.”  “‘A’ is a squirrel?!?!?”  “I hate you, Hanna.”

Turns out they were looking at some sign with a big pair of eyes that said something about “watching you,” but the joke wouldn’t work if I’d have told you that earlier.  Aria is at home, gathering up her books and what-not.

Also, her family moved to the middle of a botanic garden.

Or a bio-dome.  Seriously, what’s with all the flora?  Her mom is back at the house and her dad made double berry pancakes for breakfast!  Yum!  But her brother Mike can’t stay for breakfast, because unlike all the girls in this show, he’s not a weenie.  Seriously, doesn’t it seem like they all get up 3 hours before school starts and do ten million things before they actually arrive at school?  And why does the lighting make it seem like it’s 1pm by the time they leave for school?  I would literally roll my ass out of bed at 8:15, finish showering by 8:20, be done with breakfast by 8:35, and be at school by 8:40 (it was a small town — it took like 3 minutes to get anywhere).  But these girls, THESE girls — they’re all about greeting the day with freaking double berry pancakes and 8 cups of extra-strong coffee for the 6 hours they have until school starts.  Oh, and Aria’s mom is starting her new job as a full-time teacher today.  She’s taking over Ezra’s class, which makes Aria nervous for reasons I can neither explain nor care about.  You guys, I think Aria’s my least favorite.

Over at Spencer’s, Melissa is still digging through boxes of crap, pulling out Ian’s passport — apparently she needs it for the insurance claim on her wedding ring.  Um, what?  Is this how the insurance person is supposed to react?:  “Okay, so you’re missing your wedding ring.  And your husband is missing but not dead.  Oh, we can take care of that, no problem.  We just need your missing husband’s passport.”  Melissa still has a stick up her ass about finding Ian.  Selfish!

Hanna’s mom is pouring her coffee, so it’s probably about 11:00AM by now.  Hanna’s mom spoke with Spencer’s mom or Emily’s mom or something and found out that Hanna is the only one who hasn’t gone to a one-on-one session with Dr. Mystic Pizza (Dr. Anne).  So now Hanna has to go to the therapist after school. What a buzzkill!

So, by now it’s noon, and Emily’s almost ready to head out to school when lo and behold:

Pam’s in Emily’s doorway!  With a box!  Everybody drink!

Oh yeah, hellcats — in the PLL Drinking Game, you down that sumbitch when Pam shows up in Emily’s doorway with a box of crap in her hands.  But this isn’t ordinary crap — it’s a bunch of crap from Danby College, with a note that says, “So happy to have you on our A – Team!!!”

I know what you’re thinking, but no.

Lucas (yay!) is eating lunch.  Well, he’s picking at it but he’s not actually eating any of it.  Hanna is like, “Did a rat fall in the fry oil again?  Because last time –”  Hee!  I heart Ashley Benson, you guys.  Lucas says that he’s all moony over Danielle and his stomach hurts whenever he tries to talk to her.  It’s because your stomach is telling you that women are not for you, Lucas, so stop wasting your cuteness on icky girls!  (Sidenote:  I love women.  All of my friends are women.  Women are, in my opinion, funnier and much more interesting than men.  But naked women, while beautiful, are totally icky.  There.  I said it.)  Lucas says he’s going to call off the date but Hanna tells him that he shouldn’t because she thinks he and Danielle will be cute together.  Lucas implores Hanna to go out with the two of them, and when she thinks that’s a stupid idea (because it is), he tells her that she can bring Caleb and they can double date.

Aria’s mom pulls her aside to tell her that Mike left his keys at home and since she has a faculty meeting after school, she asks Aria to drop his keys off to him at his daily pick-up basketball game.  At lunch, Caleb talks to Hanna about their double date, and even though Hanna has the icks about going out with Caleb — and I’m sorry, I don’t find him attractive in the least — they agree that if they don’t, Lucas will probably wind up doing something stupid.  Like licking Danielle’s teeth or attempting ear sex.

Let’s go to St. Anthony’s Hospital in Philadelphia, you guys.  And let’s join Spencer as she hunts down Dr. Wren and asks him what he gave to Melissa last week, before segueing into the subject that Ian tried to kill her.  Turns out, Wren gave her some medical supplies and stuff but neither he nor Melissa know where Ian actually is:  Melissa told Wren that Ian told her that he wouldn’t tell her where he is until she got the medical stuff.  Wren says that he’s helping Melissa because he feels partly responsible for forcing Melissa to get back with Ian, but he refuses to help Spencer find Ian.

Hanna sits quietly in Dr. Anne’s office, not really saying much.  Dr. Anne asks her if she talked to her friends about coming in to talk to her on her own.  Dr. Anne has a lot of serious questions.

“And in your dream, how did you feel when the army of cupcakes began launching mini-cupcakes at you from their crossbows, which were also made of cupcakes?  Angry?  Hurt?  Confused?”

“Hungry.  And then, kind of thirsty.  Then sleepy.  And then hungry again.”

“Pretend I’m a cupcake.  What would you say to me?”

“Go get me a glass of milk, bitch.”

“That’s interesting, Hanna.  Go on.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t role-playing.  Go get me a glass of milk.  And a Fun Dip.”

“Hanna, we’ve discussed this.  I can’t just run out and get you –”

“Shut your pretty doctor mouth and go get me a Fun Dip.  And I want all grape.”

“Hanna, sweetie, they don’t . . . they don’t make them in all grape.”

(Contemplative pause.)  “I don’t know if I can live in a world without all grape Lik-M-Aid.”

Harrowing, heart-wrenching stuff, folks.  In reality, Dr. Anne says that keeping the girls apart may give them some perspective and the ability to see things differently.  Dr. Anne says that she can help Hanna let go of her anger, fear, whatever.  Alison is still there for her, she goes on to say, and then tells Hanna that she should have a conversation with Alison.  So Dr. Anne tells Hanna to talk to her empty chair and pretend that she’s having a conversation with Alison.  But Hanna sort of freaks out and just gets up and leaves.

Leaving Dr. Anne to ponder the actual purpose of a new sitcom starring Raven-Symone.

Speaking of Raven-Symone, did you guys see Revenge of the Bridesmaids?  That movie is a complete piece of shit.

. . . that I totally watched twice.

It’s on Netflix on Demand.  Get drunk and watch it.  Anyway, back to PLL.  At the Rosewood Community Park, a bunch of guys from different races come together to play basketball in the late afternoon.  Aria shows up at the court, in her tear-away pants, ready to show these suckas how much game she’s got.  Or, rather, she’s just there to give Mike his keys (I don’t know why either she or her parents could just stay at home and LEAVE THE FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED so Mike can get in when he gets home, but whatevs).  Mike’s not there, though, and no one’s seen him.

Not even the only black man in Rosewood.

It’s a lonely, lonely life for Louis, you guys.  Betty Applewhite feels your pain, Louis.  She feels your pain.  Louis says that Mike hasn’t been throwing around the sportsketball for weeks.  Curiouser and curiouser . . . Just then, a rogue ball lands at Aria’s feet.  Turns out this ball belongs to Jason.  And even though I think the original Jason is much more attractive, because I love you, my perfect li’l PLL gasmii, I will give you:

Some of this.

You’re welcome.  Aria asks Jason if he’s seen Mike around.  He hasn’t.

Like you care about the plot when you can look at this.

Jason says he was always giving people the slip when he was Mike’s age, and he can’t remember a lot about where he was back then.  Why, Jason?  Were you on drugs and stuff?  You were?  Oh, okay, because, being a loyal fan who watches this show each week, I was not aware that you used to do drugs and party a lot.  It has never come up once in this show, if memory serves me correctly.  Then again, I don’t remember much because I used to do drugs and party a lot.  Which reminds me of this tv show I saw once where this guy used to do drugs and party a lot.  Jason does remember the time that Aria had pink hair and he thought it was cool.  Aria, reacting like all of us watching this episode is all, “Really?”  He says that Aria always did the unexpected, which he also thought was cool.  Jason is all, “Hey.  I miss that pink hair.”  This scene is weird and I do not like it.

Also, Jason looks . . . different . . . in his close-ups.

I figured this was a better photo to go out on than the last one.

Emily’s done with a swim meet and here comes Samara to tell her how good she was.  Maybe I’m just tired, but Samara annoys me.  Apparently, Pam was blabbing her big mouth about the Danby letter to everyone in the stands at the meet, and Samara is super-excited about going to visit Emily all the time at Danby because it’s so close.  Whoa, sllllooooowww things down a little, Samara.  There’s “close” . . .

And then there’s Glenn Close.

Emily gets all morose when Samara mentions Danby and then she tells Samara all about the letter (leaving out the “A” part, obviously).  Pam comes up and congratulates Emily and then gets all supportive mom and invites Samara to dinner to help celebrate Emily’s win.  I am loving Emily’s mom, you guys.  Even though 95% of her job is to stand in Emily’s doorway with boxes, I’m liking that the writers are making her supportive and crap.  After Pam leaves, Samara says that maybe if the truth about Danby slips out while she’s there, maybe Pam won’t be so angry.

Spencer arrives home to find a note from her mom saying that they won’t be there this evening.  As opposed to all the other evenings when Spencer’s mom is at home baking cookies and asking her daughter how her day was.  Is Spencer’s mom a truck driver?  Is that why she’s never around?  Spencer goes to check on Melissa in the pimped-out barn in the back . . . but the door is open a crack . . . So Spencer pushes the door open.  Melissa’s in the shower, but there’s a suitcase on the floor.  Spencer realizes that opening the suitcase is a violation of her sister’s trust and refuses to rifle through it, opting instead to go back home, put on her sweats, and watch Revenge of the Bridesmaids on Netflix on demand.  Oh, please.  This is Pretty Little Liars.  We want secrets, so this is what we get:  Spencer totally opens the suitcase, finding some shaving cream, pills, medical supplies, Ian’s passport, and . . . A BRA!!!  Oh, wait.  Sorry, let me try that again:  Spencer totally opens the suitcase, finding some shaving cream, a bra, pills, medical supplies . . . and IAN’S PASSPORT!  There we go.  THAT was the important one.  Spencer zips the suitcase back up when she hears Melissa getting out of the shower and hides in the bushes when Melissa comes outside, calling for her.

“A bra, shaving cream, his passport . . . This can only mean one thing:  Ian is finally taking his drag show to Montreal.”

Spencer calls Aria, who asks why Melissa has Ian’s passport and junk.  Spencer has no idea why, of course.  Spencer hangs up because — get this — her parents are home!  We don’t see them, though.  ABC Family can’t afford any more recurring stars this week.  Aria is home by herself too.  And she’s scared.  There’s a moment when she hears something in her house, but it turns out it’s her brother.  So.  That whole sub-plot about “Will Mike get his forgotten keys?  How will he get home?” was completely pointless, since Aria was home and Mike just walked right in.  Great.  What do I have to look forward to now, PLL?  Hmmmm?  Aria’s (rightfully) pissed that Mike has been lying to her and her parents and demands to know where he’s been.  Mike’s all, “Here and there.”  Oh, good, at least we know you’re safe, Mike.  Douche.  Aria tells him that their mom and dad will find out, but Mike says that if Aria tells them, he’ll tell them about how she’s still hanging out with her friends.  Which isn’t really that huge of a blackmail, if you ask me.  Aria is all, Things are going well with mom and dad now, don’t be a dick!  And Mike’s all, Things will never be the same like they were before.  Teenagers.  DRAAMMMMAAAA!

Hanna is hosting some sort of . . . thing . . . at her house with Danielle and Lucas.  She’s playing the hostess, refilling sodas while Lucas looks at a magazine on the porch with Danielle.  In the kitchen, Caleb and Hanna argue about how well it’s going with Danielle and Lucas.

AWWWWWWWWWW!

I’m sorry, but he’s so cute!!  Danielle says that she’s having a crappy time:  Even though she likes Lucas, she thinks that Hanna keeps checking him out, is still into him, and only brought Caleb to make Lucas jealous.

Samara and Emily are on Emily’s bed, looking at an old scrapbook of Emily’s childhood and junk.  And then Pam shows up in Emily’s doorway (Drink!).

“Hey, Emily.  I . . . I’m sorry, this feels weird.  Just a coffee cup?  That’s all I’m holding?  Can we do another take with me holding a huge cardboard box full of pool noodles or something?  Thanks.”

Samara asks if Pam made the scrapbook and if she — oh geez — used a glue gun.  I’m sure Samara is supposed to be sweet, but she’s kind of got that say-you-love-me-or-i’ll-light-myself-on-fire vibe.  Desperation is not your color, sweetie.  Samara says that she still uses her glue gun for some of her — oh geez — jewelry projects.  I hear Harry Winston does the same thing.  Pam wants to start a new scrapbook, chock full of Rosewood and Danby things.  Pam blahs about Danby this and Danby that and Emily gets uncomfortable.  But Samara saves the day and says that there are other good schools (her dad knows the coach at Stanford) and maybe they should play it cool and wait for other schools to scout Emily during senior year.  If they call Danby now, other schools “may get the wrong idea.”  Pam says that makes a bit of sense.  Well, that was quick thinking, Samara.  But I still say that in about 5 episodes, you’re going to be the Leighton Meester to Emily’s Minka Kelly.

Yes, I was talking about a real thing!

I’m pretty sure I’m only one of 36 people who have actually seen the film.  The movie kind of sucks, but Ms. Meester totally brought the crazy, yo.  Girl almost saved that movie.  Almost.  Back at Hanna’s house, when Danielle goes to the bathroom, Lucas tells Hanna what Danielle told him, and then he gets a puss on about how Danielle will never go for him and he was stupid to think that he could just be himself and land a girl.  That’s kind of sad, but mostly really dumb, because if I was in high school, Lucas could just ask me if he could borrow a pen and I’d immediately drop my pants.  Sure, it’d be mostly because I have Itchy Pants Syndrome, but still . . . When Danielle gets out of the bathroom (there’s no way she washed her hands), Lucas goes to help her with her coat, while Caleb sweetly says he wishes that there was a way to help Lucas get over his fear of being himself.  Hanna’s all, “Put your arm around me,” which Caleb does, and then Danielle holds Lucas’s hand and it’s all very cute.  But not as cute as Lucas holding hands with Eric Van der Woodsen.  FACT.

Spencer is alone in her dimly lit room.  What does the Hastings family have against adequate lighting?!  She spies Melissa from her window, as Melissa opens the trunk of her car and puts something inside.  The next day (I guess), Wren’s in a supply closet at the hospital, on the horn with Melissa, telling her that he thinks Ian has a staph infection and he’ll need to go with her to give Ian the medication he needs.  He says that either he goes, or else there’s no medication.  Um, hippocratic oath, much, Dr. Wren?  Geez.  Oh, but there’s a secret behind this phone call:  Spencer was there the whole time.  Seems the two of them orchestrated this little affair.  Spencer says she’s going with Wren to see Ian.  Aaaaa!  I can’t wait!

The same morning (I guess), Lucas cutely goes over to Hanna’s house to cutely thank her for doing what she did for him.  He says she’s a long way from the way she was when she was friends with Alison — unselfish, I’m assuming.  Hanna feels awkward about this.  And we cut to — Hanna arriving at Dr. Anne’s, saying that she needs to talk.

The same morning (probably), Aria’s all ready for school, savoring the four hours she has before she actually has to leave for the day.  Her dad shows up, asking to take her to school because it’ll be like old times.  They’re both glad that things are fun again.  Mike walks by and his dad asks him how the sportsketball game went.  He said it was awesome and that Aria even watched for a few minutes.  Aria nods and tells her dad that she thinks things with Mike are fine when he asks her what’s up.  He says that they’ll leave for school in 5.  By which I’m assuming he means hours.

Hanna tells Dr. Anne that she feels Alison is with her more than she wants.  She goes on to say that her friendship with Alison was work, that she “had to impress her” and “do things [she] didn’t feel so good about doing . . . Sometimes bad things.”  Dr. Anne asks her why she remained friends with Alison and Hanna says that Alison could make her feel special and it used to seem worth it.  And then Hanna begins to talk to the empty chair as if she’s talking to Alison.  Hanna tells “Alison” that she was the best friend she ever had, but also her worst enemy, and that she can’t believe it took her this long to realize that.  Hanna, sweetie, you’re like 16.  I wouldn’t beat yourself up about that.

Then, we, the audience, see what Hanna’s imagining.

Um, no.

I meant that we see Alison in the chair now.  This is one of those dialogue heavy scenes that are kind of hard to recap, so I’ll do my best to sum it up.  Alison says she’s proud of Hanna, but Hanna says that she doesn’t care.  Hanna says that she doesn’t need anyone, but Alison says that she needs someone because “low self-esteem leads to hefty Hanna.”  Ouch.  Ouchies.  Hanna says she has other friends and Alison’s like, Those three “gal pals” are going to move on and you won’t, and you’ll be left with me, the only one who will tell you the truth, the only one you can count on.  Hanna says she’d rather be alone and Alison is all, “You won’t last a week.”  Hanna:  “At least I’ll be alive.”  Ooh, kitty’s got claws!  She goes on to tell Alison that she won’t be able to get inside her life/head any more, not unless Hanna lets her.  “You’re gone,”  Hanna says.  “And I am so over missing you.”  I have to say, I really enjoyed this scene.  Hanna seems more complex than the other girls.  That, coupled with my gay-guy BFF crush on Ashley Benson, is making Hanna my favorite character.

Emily’s walking down the hall at school when –

AAAAAA OHMIGOD!  You don’t even go to that school!!!!!!!!!

Emily, perhaps feeling the same “Are you going to boil my pet rabbit by chance?” feelings that I’m feeling, is all, “Have you transferred here without telling me?”  Samara is all, “I thought about it.”  Aaaaaaa!  She tells Emily that she wanted to see how she was doing after last night.  Her dad doesn’t really know the coach from Stanford, but the rest of the advice she gave was real.  Emily says that her mom is researching other colleges.  Samara tells her to be happy, because it gives them time for a second date.  Oy.

Dr. Anne walks into her office late at night, only to discover that someone has ransacked the place!

I am only scared by the lack of proper grammar.

And yes, I know that “nosey” is a now acceptable form of “nosy,” but “nosy” uses the proper grammatical rules, so when I saw this, it pissed me off.

Spencer gets a call from Wren, who says that he knows where Ian is.  Spencer immediately sends an “S.O.S.” text to all the gals.  As Hanna’s leaving, Ashley (her mom) comes home and tells her that Dr. Anne’s office was trashed after Hanna left her session.  Ashley asks her what she talked about in her session, but Hanna says that it’s supposed to be between herself and Dr. Anne.  Hanna runs out.

Back at Dr. Anne’s the police tell her that there are no signs of forced entry, which means that the person had to have had a key.  How the heck . . . ?  Or, more precisely, who the heck . . .?

Spencer and the PLL Gang are in Spencer’s car, following Wren to Ian’s hideout.  Emily wants to call Garrett, but Aria doesn’t want him involved in another mystery they can’t explain.  Word, Aria.  Wren and Melissa stop in front of a locked steel gate.  Which is kind of pointless because they just hop right over the locked chain in the middle.  Seriously.  There’s a gap so big that John Goodman could make it through without a struggle.  The PLL gang follows close behind.  Aria says she has 911 on speed dial.  Hahahaha!  Thank god.  Dialing three numbers takes FOREVER.  That’s just silly.  Hanna says she doesn’t have any service.  Oh no!  Emily says they should take a picture of Ian with a cell phone, to prove to the police that they aren’t lying.  Which is actually a good idea.  Not as good as, say, putting 911 on speed dial, but a good idea nonetheless.

Wren and Melissa stand in front of an old barn or something and then go inside, while the PLL Gang keeps a short distance.  Then all of a sudden, they hear a woman’s scream!!  What’s going on?!  Is everyone okay?!

ARE THERE PURPLE DRAPES INSIDE?!?!

It’s Melissa screaming (obviously), and for good reason:  When the PLL Gang runs inside, they see this:

IAN!  DEAD!  WITH A GUNSHOT WOUND TO HIS HEAD!  AND THE GUN IN HIS HAND!

Holy shit, I was NOT expecting that!  Like, at all!  Spencer comforts Melissa as the camera pans down to the gun . . .

And a suicide note.

In case you can’t read that, it says:  “I killed Alison.  I lost my temper because she knew too much.  But there’s only so much you can bury.  It won’t be that easy, but I know how to get rid of the pain.  I can’t run from the law.  Come and find me.  – Ian.”

The camera then pans up to the wall above the barn door . . . where there’s a horseshoe missing.  AAAAAAA!  What’s going on?!

End Credits “A” Sequence:  The PLL Gang is talking outside the barn while a certain gloved someone picks up a backpack from someone’s car, unzips it, and sticks a red cell phone inside.  Yeah, this, I don’t get.

So.  I just realized — the second time watching this episode — that there was absolutely no Ezra Fitz in this entire episode.  And you know what?  Didn’t miss him one bit.  Also, using my detective skills (meaning, what I’ve learned from Veronica Mars, in particular one plot point from the “Dean O’Dell murder/suicide arc”), I don’t think Ian killed himself.  I’m just putting it out there.