Pretty Little Liars: Don’t Drink the Water

Well, kids, this is it.  My last recap for TVGasm ever.

Just kidding.  But this is the penultimate (ooooh, fancy words!) episode of PLL’s season 2 . . . summer . . . season . . . first half . . . or . . . part one of . . . season 2′s . . . summer . . . season.  So, it’s like . . . the second season’s summer season.  WHAT?!  WTF ABC Family?  Why do you have to make it so confusing?  Remember when TV shows ran for 25 weeks and that was it?  No longer the case, my friend.  PLL is doing 12 episodes now and then 10 or 12 episodes in, I don’t know, January or something.  I thought they were doing a Halloween themed episode (Wikipedia told me so), but that doesn’t make sense.  Whatever.  So next week is the last episode until January or February or, I don’t know, 2015.

I am sorry once again for the lateness.  When I recapped last season I was unemployed, so I could crank these bastards out like that Duggar lady cranks babies out of her (extremely tired) vajayay, but now that I have a full-time job, it’s a bit harder for me.  And I have more bad news — I’m on a bit of a vacay next week.  My best friend’s husband is on Army leave and we’re going to hang out.  I bet you feel bad now, huh?  I bet you were all, “That bastard!  Ooohhh, his friend is stationed overseas so now I feel bad.  He deserves to have fun.”  So the recap will be late, but I don’t think it will be AS late, because it’s the finale.  Of the first half.  Of the second season.  Well, you’re not here to read about my personal life — I used the special shampoo, and now they’re all gone, thank you very much — so let’s get right to the recap.

Wait!  My other best friend Amy had a baby!  Congrats to Amy and her gorgeous Adeline!  I’ll post a link to her hilarious blog in the comments.  Recap ahoy!

Emily’s in bed, but try as she might to get back to those dreams of riding purple ponies with Megan Fox on a field of puffy white clouds, she just can’t seem to get to sleep.

“3:07AM?!  Ohmigod, I overslept!  Now I only have 5 and a half hours to cram in my coffee and drama before school starts!!!  DAMMIT!!!”

Em’s phone vibrates.  Who could be texting her at this hour?  I guess we’ll never know, because, for once, they don’t show us what the text was.  Then all of a sudden it’s 5:15 am and Hanna wakes up to the sound of a car starting (Hanna and Em share a room remember?).  She walks to the window and stares out before grabbing her phone and calling Emily — but Emily left her phone in the room.  Interesting . . .

Later that same morning, Aria and Spencer are with Hanna in her room.  Aria says that Emily probably drove off to Texas and left her phone because she was sick of “A” texts.  Who wouldn’t be?  Spencer grabs Em’s phone and finds out that the early morning text that Em received was a photo of Aria macking it with Ezra.  Apparently, “A” sent a text with that photo that said something like, “Clue Ella in and I’ll let you off the hook.”  Oooh, “A” you are one crafty bitch.

Aria’s sort of freaking out about that, and Spencer and Hanna are freaking out about Emily being gone, and I’m freaking out that there haven’t been any cupcake scenes yet!  Turns out, Emily just went running out in the woods.  On her way back, she runs over to Dr. Anne’s office to let her know that she’s ready to talk.  Turns out, the rest of her friends are already there.

“Hey.  While you were gone, we formed a mid-90s girl group, and now we’re posing for our album cover.”

Oh man, I used to love me some P.L.L.!  Back in the day!  I used to listen to their first number one single “A Double Shot of You” over and over again.  Although their third single, “Espresso Your Love” is highly underrated.  But they kind of lost me with their “Jagged Little Pill” wannabe second album:  “Stupid Blind Whore.”  Too edgy.

After the credits, the girls wonder why Em just left without telling them.  Emily says that she can’t let her friends protect her anymore — she doesn’t want to be used as a “bowling ball” to knock over her friends.  Dr. Anne — by the way, Annabeth Gish was a regular in the last 2 seasons of “The X-Files,” which is where that caption came from last week — is all, What the crap are you talking about?  Spencer says that someone’s been trying to hurt them for a long time.  Tell her!  Tell her about it!  Tell her all your crazy dreams!  Let her know you need her!  Let her know how much she means!

Toby’s still clearing brush away from Spencer’s house, and — oh, shit.  Bianca “No, really, I’m not 35, I can play a 16 year-old!” Lawson is guest starring this week, which means that Maya will be back, which means that we’re 5 minutes in and I already hate this episode.  I’m sorry, but Maya sucks, and I was glad to get rid of her.  Paige, please!

Anyway, Toby sees this Camaro or Porsche or Pinto in the driveway — I’m not good with cars — and decides to investigate.  Turns out Jenna is sitting in the passenger’s seat, eating cherries (metaphor!) and weirdly placing the cherry pits on the dashboard.  Garrett gets into the car (Toby’s hiding behind trees at this point) and he and Jenna start making out.  How could Jenna meticulously place those pits next to each other?  Can she really see?  (I, for one, don’t think so).

Back at Dr. Anne’s, she asks the girls about when the threats began.  I’m beginning to suspect this is all just an excuse to play “catch-up” with the audience.  If this were an 80s sitcom, this would be the perfect situation for a flashback episode.  They explain that the texts started before Alison’s funeral and they don’t really know who “A” is.  Dr. Anne asks if she’s the first person they’ve told and wonders why they’ve waited so long to tell someone.  Yes!  Thank you, Dr. Anne!

“We were distracted by inappropriate boyfriends.”  “. . . And cupcakes . . .”

Over at school — I cannot believe they squeezed in a therapy appointment before lunch — the gals commiserate over tater tot casserole about whether or not they should have told anyone.  Em points out that after the fashion show blow-out, their parents were wondering if something’s up anyway.  Were they, Em?  Were they?  Because it seems like they haven’t even brought it up since then.  But it’s okay — the PLL parents make up for their lack of caring and emotional support by leaving their kids alone for days at a time.  Hanna asked Spencer to bring some horse books so she can give them to Kate (her future stepsister and, I believe, character #452 since this show’s premiere).  The other girls are like, That’s a lame gift, Hannie Sue.  But Hanna thinks it’s fine and says that she wants to make peace with Kate for her dad’s sake.

Jenna’s also eating lunch and compensating for her lack of sight by practically yelling on the phone.  We get it, Jenna, you can’t see.  Geez.  It’s such a big deal to her!  Get over it!  Em asks the ladies if they think Jenna sent her the photo of Ezria.  Aria rightfully questions this, saying that torturing them won’t give her back her sight, plus the person who caused her blindness is dead.  Oh, god, I’m on Aria’s side!  I feel dirty!  I need a Silkwood shower!  (Google it — my image of it for a recap of “The City” is the third pic in Google image!)  Spencer’s like, Garrett probably helped her out.  Suddenly, Hanna’s grandma shows up.  And I’m not saying that in some “it’s actually someone else but she looks old so I’ll say she’s someone’s grandma” kind of way.  No.  Seriously.  Hanna’s grandma shows up.

So Jason and Caleb’s foster mom and Samara can just come and go whenever the hell they want, but they slap a “VISITOR” sticker on some 64 year-old?  Whatevs.

Hanna’s grandma is played by Betty Buckley.  I’m assuming you’re a gay man, so you automatically know who she is.

And this image popped into your head.

Grams is there to insult Hanna apparently, as she says that she’s surprised Hanna’s eating a salad because she’s never seen her eat anything green before.  Another Hanna Was Fat joke to add to the pile!  I guess Grams is from Texas or something and she’s salty — she has to go to the bathroom to “wipe the dew from my lily.”  Emily hilariously asks what that means.  Oh, my sweet little junior lesbian.  Soon you will understand all.  Grams goes to the bathroom and Jenna’s still on the phone.

Ella and Byron are talking about Mike.  Again.  Byron’s upset because Mike’s therapist wants him to see a psychiatrist who will *gasp!* want to prescribe Mike medication! So what?  What’s the big deal?  Are the Montgomery family a bunch of Scientologists?

“YOU JUST NEED A BIG DOSE OF XENU!!!!!”

Ella’s like, Mike is not your brother!  Byron’s like, But he’s related to my brother!  And then Ella says that Mike’s answer might not be a bottle of pills, which confuses me, because I thought she was on the side of medication.  Honestly, if a pill can stop you from driving your minivan through a playground of innocent school-children, then I say take that mutha f**kin’ pill!  Ella says that medication can help some kids, but Mike’s not one of those kids.  Aria comes in as they’re fighting and although Ella wants to talk to her about it, Byron says he doesn’t and he’s leaving.

Hanna’s on the phone with Caleb, talking about California, when her dad calls, asking her to help Kate with the toast at the dinner tomorrow night.  I’m assuming it’s the rehearsal dinner.  Grams asks Hanna what she thinks of her dad’s engagement.  Hanna says that her dad deserves to be happy.  Ashley comes home and calls Grams “Regina,” so I’m guessing that Grams is Hanna’s dad’s mom . . .?  She’s re-arranging Ashley’s bowls, so that’s probably the case.  I guess.  Hanna tells her mom about the toast and then Regina blabs about how she knows that Tom (Hanna’s dad) is still in love with Ashley (Hanna’s mom) and everyone knows it, probably including Hanna (Hanna’s self).  Ashley’s all, Shut the hell up, you crazy country-fried she-demon!

Oh, great.  More Mike stuff.  Thanks, PLL!  Mike is listening to music on his laptop and chatting with people about really deep stuff like The Cure and “Donnie Darko” and how they like, totally represent him.  Aria shows up to tell him to come help with dinner, but Mike is too busy being tired and cranky to eat, Aria!  Aria tells Mike that he needs to let someone in, someone real and not online.  Ella shows up and tells him to come downstairs and eat something, asking him if he even ate something for lunch.  Mike’s all, “Who cares!?”  Oh wow, deep, Mike.  Super deep.  Ella grabs the laptop and she and Mike grapple with it until Ella stumbles and falls into something and possibly hurts her hand or foot or boob.  Mike, being the caring and compassionate lad that he is, runs away.  But maybe he’s running downstairs to get dinner ready!!  Probably not, though.  Probably . . . not.  Ella tells Aria not to tell Byron what happened, to lie and say Ella tripped on the stairs and injured herself.  Aria’s all, Ummmmmmm okaaaaaaay.  Not that I’m an advocate for, you know, abusing kids, but Mike kind of needs his ass kicked.

Spencer and The Tobester are out on the town in his truck.  The one that Spencer bought.  With the money she got from the pawn shop.  For pawning her sister’s wedding ring. Which we will never hear about again.  Because this show drops plots like they are scalding potatoes smothered in lame sauce.  Spencer tells Toby that it was probably Garrett on the phone with Jenna.  He still wonders why they were together in Garrett’s Camaro (or whatever), and Spencer’s like, She’s probably joined their “I See Everything” club.  Um, I don’t think she’d meet the basic qualification for that club, Spencer.  Which is being able to recite the alphabet backwards, of course.  Also — SEEING.  Toby somehow manages to make a tender kiss to Spencer seem totally creepy, and then she . . . leaves for school?  Is it the next day already?  Sure, fine, let’s go with that.

Dr. Anne is giving a seminar on tough choices that the teenagers will soon face.

“I chose a Chevy Cavalier over a pony for my bat mitzvah present.  It haunts me.  Every day.  I don’t want you girls to make the same mistake.”

Dr. Anne talks about feeling safe.  So, this is a bullying seminar then, something that I don’t really want to make fun of.  I know, I know!  But it’s kind of a big thing for me.  She says that bullying used to “build character” but now the bully can keep “hitting send over and over.”  Instead of your face!  Tough choice . . . Yeah, ABC Family?  You already had a whole television movie about this, so . . . I don’t know.  Dr. Anne says that bullies hide behind an email or text or whatever, which is as cowardly as it gets, which is true.  Hanna wants to potty, but Aria’s like, Girl you better stay put if you know what’s good for you!  Mona is bored.  Lucas is there!  Yay!

Oh, Lucas.  I would never cyber-bully you.  I would just cuddle with you and pretend that I was interested in your stupid “Dr. Who” marathon.

Dr. Anne tells the kids to speak up and speak out if they’re bullied.  After the seminar, Hanna tells the gals that Dr. Anne made it worse by exposing them all, which Emily points out is kind of ridiculous.  Spencer says that it’s a good sign that “A” hasn’t texted them yet, and Aria says that “Sullivan” is right.  So.  Now we’re calling Dr. Anne “Sullivan?”  I do not accept, PLL.  I do not accept.  Jenna walks outside (they’re outside, by the way) and she’s all, Aria did you go to the assembly?  Spencer hilariously says, “We all did, Jenna, why?”  Okay, it’s not what she says, it’s the way she says it.  You guys, I totally have friend-boner for Troian Bellisario.  I just want to go to brunch with her and then to a matinee and then go out for some Cold Stone.  (Amy, if you’re reading this, I would never cheat on you.  Troian would be joining us.  Something tells me she likes brunch and would find us hilarious.)  Jenna’s all, Too bad Dr. Anne wasn’t around last year when Alison was being such a megabitch.  Em’s all, It takes one bully to know another, and “Can you please move your stick?  People are trying to get past you.”  Meh.  If I wrote for this show, I would have written:  “It must have hurt when that stick came out of your ass, Jenna.  Just makes more room for my boot, though.  Bitch.”  And, um, I guess, say no to bullying, kids!  Also:  I like everyone’s outfits except for Aria’s.

In downtown Philly, it’s time for the rehearsal dinner.  Oh!  Regina is Tom’s mom.  Well, you can’t say PLL never solves any mysteries, I guess.  Hanna gives Kate the horse books and they both have a mea culpa moment, where Hanna apologizes for the incident at the country club, and Kate apologizes for that horse comment she made on the phone.  I like Hanna’s hair in this scene.  Betty Buckley, Broadway star, what happened to your Texas/Oklahoma accent?  Where did it go?  I cannot find it.  Tom asks Kate and Hanna about the toast and they say they’re on it.  Kate shows Hanna the wedding dress, which is sparkly and silver and looks like it’s from JC Penney.  Kate orders them a couple lemonades and adds some “liquid courage” to hers — she has vodka in a water bottle, which is genius, I say.  Genius.  Make Karen Walker proud, Kate!

“You say potato, I say vodka.”

Hanna doesn’t want some, but then Kate says it takes the edge off, so basically half a second later Hanna tells her to pour it.  ‘Atta girl.  Back at Hanna’s house, Em walks downstairs to find Ashley heating up a Lean Cuisine.  Ashley asks her to join her.  Oh, my dear sweet lord, if these two end up having an affair I will quit recapping this show.  I mean it!  I WILL QUIT!!!

Probably not.  I’ll probably just complain about it a lot, which will freak you out, because you are totally not used to me complaining about relationships on this show.    Dr. Anne is walking to her car at night when she gets a phone call, which is just a repeated loop of her saying, “And I’m the first person you’ve told about this.”  She hangs up and the phone rings again, and when Dr. Anne answers it, she hears the same message again (FYI, she said this in the session with all four girls earlier in the episode).  You guys, I don’t want Dr. Anne to die.  I just don’t.  I have a soft spot for Annabeth Gish in my heart.

A spot as soft as the pizza dough she kneaded at that tiny restaurant in Mystic, Connecticut.

Ms. Gish just gets sexier with age, does she not?  She’s one fine lady, if you ask me.  Anyway, she’s called the police, who are at her office.  One cop tells her that the microphone might be within the walls, but Dr. Anne is willing to have them crack them open if that’s what it takes.  Oh, dammit, of course, Garrett is there.  Dr. Anne tells him that it was a special session but she can’t give out names because they’re confidential.  Garrett’s all, We can’t help you without names.  Douche.

Meanwhile –

“I wish this cupcake tasted like vodka.  Wait.  I mean, I wish this vodka . . . I wish . . . I want a pony.  Do you have a pony, Kate?  I bet you do, you dumb slut.  HAHAHAHAHA! – slut.  Wait, wait, no, I mean I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, Katie, you’re my sister oh my god I’ve always wanted a sister you’re my sister, you’re my sister, you’re so pretty . . . so pretty . . . I wanna touch your hair where are my cupcakes?!”

How hilarious is A-Benz’s face in that screengrab?!  Can someone cast Ashley Benson in a rom-com, like right freaking now?  Have her be the drunk, jealous sister of Emma Stone.  Actually, can we just have a remake of “Bride Wars” with Emma Stone and Ashley Benson please?  Thanks.

Kate adds something about love and crap to the speech and Hanna says it’s great and true.  She’s distracted by her texts — it’s Caleb; Kate grabs her phone and sees Caleb’s photo and is all, “Yum!”  But Kate’s uncle is coming so she tells Hanna that they need to drink up!  Oh, but it’s a false alarm, so it’s all good.  Kate orders two more lemonades.  Oh my god!  And coconut shrimp!  OH MY GOD!!!!!

Back at the Marin household, Emily and Ashley are in a Bergman film, discussing the futility of life and the heartbreak of desire.

“Life is a futile attempt to suppress the desire to weep in the face of mortality.”  “Your suffering is not my suffering.  We are not each other.  I am not you.  I cannot be you.”  “My Lean Cuisine tastes strange and enigmatic — it reeks of fearful and terrible change.”  “Yes.  You forgot to take the plastic off.”

Emily asks Ashley why Regina (Grams) is staying with them since Ashley’s not married to her son anymore.  Thank you, Emily!  Ashley says that, believe it or not, they like each other, and Emily says that it must be weird to know that the person she was married to is now marrying someone else.  Ashley says it’s kind of strange, but not as strange as Emily having a frozen dinner with her on a Friday night; she asks where Samara is.  Emily says that things didn’t work out and she doesn’t know if it can be worked out.  Ashley says she’s also questioned her relationship and if Tom hadn’t come back, her questions wouldn’t have been answered.  She says that when the other person isn’t there people tend to make up the other part of the conversation which isn’t fair to anyone.  Ashley thanks Emily for helping make her night a little better.  Aw, sweet!  Does anyone else want a spinoff of just the parents?  Maybe just Ashley and Ella and their gay best friends?  Just me, then?  Okay.  Emily picks up her phone and starts texting someone.

Byron gets home to find Aria studying at the table — she tells him Mike didn’t eat.  He tells her that she needs to forgive some stuff about Mike.  Ella comes in and Byron tells her to get her wrist checked out, but Ella says it’s fine.  And then, the most incredible, earth-shaking thing in the history of PLL happens:  Aria goes upstairs to finish studying!!  Holy crap!  Oh, wait, I’m sorry, that was totally boring.

Emily’s at The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, waiting for her mystery someone to arrive and it’s Maya, dammit.  You know what, Maya?  You don’t deserve a screengrab.  This is how much I dislike you.

While guitar-y music plays in the background, Toby and Spencer make out in his truck.  In Spencer’s driveway.  Which is, like, totally in front of Jason’s house.  Toby says he thought he saw something moving in Jason’s upstairs window.  Spencer stops the makeout sesh to say that she sees two shadows in the window.  She says that she’s done running and she needs to confront him/them.  But who walks out the front door just as she’s about to enter?  Spencer’s dad!!  Okay, I’m kind of hoping he’s having an affair with Jason.

“It’s called a Hot Karl, young lady.  And it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Needless to say, Spencer’s shocked.  He’s all, We were just talking about his fence!  Uh-huh.  If “fence” means “penis,” then sure, Mr. Hastings.  Sure.  Spencer asks about his secret meetings with the Di Laurentis family and he’s all, It’s none of your business!  Toby’s all, Yeah it kind of is.  Mr. Hasting’s yells at Toby, telling him that it was darn rude of him to run to Spencer to tell her about the buried hockey stick which was “NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!”  Whoa, settle down, Mr. Hastings.  You’re pretty uptight for a guy who just had shameful yet completely satisfying gay sex.  He tells Spencer to go home, but she gets in Toby’s truck and they drive off.

Dr. Anne is going through her files and I’m afraid she’s going to get killed!  Oy.  She looks out the window at the dark night . . . but someone’s in a hoodie watching her across the street . . .

Maya tells Emily she’s been back for two weeks because her parents bought or did something in Bucks County which is sort of close to Rosewood, I guess.  Emily says that her mom’s come around to her being gay, which is true.  Pam!  Come back and hold your boxes in the doorway!  We miss that.  Maya asks what made Emily decide to call her.  Um, insanity?  That’s the only reason I can think of.  Em says that she wasn’t in a good place when she and Maya were going out or whatever.  She apologizes to Maya but says that she’s in a different place now, and she’s not afraid to let go and she’s ready to move on and make plans.  Maya tells her to relax and they hold hands across the table.  Ugh, not cool, PLL.  Not cool.

Mike’s in his room, about to cry . . . maybe?  Aria sees him and asks him what’s up and when he’s concerned about Ella, Aria says she’ll be fine. He asks if HE’S going to be okay, and Aria says he will.  They hug.  Okay.  Great.  Mike will be fine.  Can we move on from this, please?

Hanna and Kate are drunkity drunk drunk and stumble to the huge bathroom with what appears to be a queen sized bed in the middle of it.  Hanna says she was nervous about tonight, but things turned out fine.  Kate brought her mom’s dress into the bathroom and takes it out of the bag, saying how “fierce” it is.  Hanna agrees and loves the color.  “I love love love love it.”  Hahaha!  A-Benz gives good drunk, y’all.  Kate says that the dress would look so great on Hanna.  Uh-oh.  I’m not liking where this is going.

I wasn’t kidding about the bed.

Hanna wants pizza, and Kate goes to get something “nice and greasy,” telling Hanna not to fall asleep while she’s gone.  Hanna goes over to the dress and admires it’s sparkliness, twirling with it, which was probably not a good idea, since she immediately falls down and barfs on it, just as Kate comes back in.  Kate sees her, gives her an icy look, and then leaves.  Did Kate plan this?  Only time will tell.

Spencer comes back home and tries to sneak in, but her dad’s waiting up for her.  He asks her if she remembers Alison’s grandma.  Spencer kind of does, so Mr. Hastings continues, telling her that she passed away a few months after Alison disappeared.  Long story short (too late), the family needed an attorney because Grammy had a lot of money and a week before Alison went missing, the grandma cut Jason out of the will.  Spencer, like us, just wants to know how this involves her dad.  I guess Jason’s parents wanted him to change the date on the will so it would seem that both Jason and Alison got money, therefore not giving Jason a motive to kill Alison.  Or something.  Oh, Alison Flashback time, Spencer?  It doesn’t really seem like it’s needed — oh, okay, okay, then, I guess we can watch.

In green fuzzy tones, Alison tells Regina (Hanna’s grams) that her grandma puts wine in her chili as Regina makes chili for herself, Alison, Spencer, and Fat Hanna.  Yay, Fat Hanna!  She tells some story about giving birth and her sons.  Alison asks if Regina would ever disown any of her boys.  Regina says she wouldn’t, and Alison asks her what it would take for her to “cut the cord completely.”  For instance, “selling a family heirloom and using the money to buy drugs.”  Or, in Jason’s case, probably a case of Natural Light and one single doobie.  Regina says that that would cause her to cut him off.  Oh, okay.  Forget getting the dude some rehab and supporting him.  Family!  End of flashback.

Spencer tells her dad that that’s the reason Alison went down to Georgia — to get grammy to change the will, and she must have rubbed it in Jason’s face and that’s why he killed her!  She wants to go to the police but Mr. Hastings isn’t down with that since he could be disbarred for what he did.  Spencer, being the rational girl that she is, is all, Um, why’d you do it then, huh?  He says it’s complicated.  Spencer asks him what the Di Laurentis family has on them, but Mr. Hastings won’t answer her.

Back at Dr. Anne’s office, she’s going through more files, which means she’s still alive, thank god.  She’s looking at the PLL Gang’s files and possibly the files of someone else, circling the phrase “nosey bitches” and then looking at a photo of when her office was vandalized when someone wrote “nosey bitches” on her wall.  And then (THEN!) she says aloud, “My god.  I know this person!”  Dr. Anne, shut your pretty little mouth before you get yourself killed!!

Hanna’s washing the dress in the sink and I can totally see the barf, which I hate.  I can handle blood, feces, whatever, but I do not like to see barf on screen.  Even in animated shows.  It’s not cool, even if I’m sure it’s just bean with bacon soup or something.  Hanna’s dad shows up, saying that Kate told him that Hanna felt sick.  Regina shows up too.  Hanna’s dad finds the dress and knows that Hanna was drinking, and although Hanna says that Kate was drinking too, Tom says that Kate was fine and even gave a great speech all by herself.  Regina tells him to back off.  Tom says that he thought they were past this, but Hanna really outdid herself this time.  Regina tells her that Tom will get over it.

Aria confronts her parents, telling them that Mike’s broken in to more than one house and she’s known about it for a long time.  Both Ella and Byron are surprised.  Aria says that she’s tired of keeping secrets and doesn’t want to do it any more.

Um, sure.

Mike comes downstairs and opens his mouth to speak.

Back at the restroom, Regina tells Hanna that the dress can’t be saved just as Kate walks back in.   Regina wonders how Kate sobered up so fast . . . Hmmmm . . . She grabs Kate’s purse, and it turns out Kate had two water bottles — one with regular water and one with vodka.  Oh, bitch, hell no!  Hanna tells Kate that she’s in for a “world of hurt.”  Kate’s all, “We’ll see.”

Ugh, I forgot about Maya.  She’s all, “She shoved your head under water, and you still dated her?”  Yup.  And even though Paige is a psycho closet-case, she’s still better than you, Maya.  So suck it, druggie.  Em’s phone rings and she says she has to take it.  It’s Dr. Anne!  She tells Emily that she needs to call the other girls and come to her office now because she knows who “A” is!  Spencer gets a text and leaves immediately.  Hanna gets a text while Regina is driving her home and she just kind of looks around.  Aria gets a text and immediately leaves.

I guess Hanna made it, because the four girls show up at Dr. Anne’s office . . . but Dr. Anne isn’t there!  I’m nervous!  The girls all get a text at the same time.

Oh, “A,” you do NOT eff with Annabeth Gish.  It is so on, bitch.

Would “A” really actually kill someone?  So far it’s been extortion and such, but murder?  Hmmmmm . . .

End of Credits “A” Sequence:  A gloved hand picks up a file in what appears to be Dr. Anne’s office and puts it in a bag.  The camera pans to a Freud bobble head doll, which the gloved hand picks up . . . removing the microphone from the bottom.

I hope Dr. Anne has a split personality and is actually “A,” because I want more Annabeth Gish.  Do you hear me, I. Marlene King?!  I WANT MORE GISH!!!  Also, I have no idea why Lucas was in this episode for only 6 seconds and he didn’t have any lines.  Please do not repeat this injustice.

Buckle up, my PLL friends.  Next week is the last bumpy ride.  Until January.  Or something.