Well, well, well, my pretty little gasmii! We finally made it to the much anticipated “summer finale” of ABC Family’s Pretty Little Liars. When it came to answering our burning questions, you kinda had to know that there was no chance in hell that they would reveal who “A” / Alison’s killer is. But as far as cliffhangers go, we got a couple of wicked doosies!
The episode starts innocently enough with Blondie asking the girls if one side of her face is fatter than the other. Funnier still, the girls all take a moment to examine her chipmunk cheeks and answer honestly. Buggy spots Ian, and Schnoz informs them he’s the new field hockey coach. HA! Is the median age of Rosewood 17? I love how recent grads are now teachers and chaperones and English teachers!
Twatty little Mona arrives with fancy invitations, and it’s clear that the show is borrowing a page from Sara Shepard’s third Pretty Little Liars novel, Perfect, and setting the action against the backdrop of Mona’s birthday party. Only this time, it’s going to be camping, er, “glamping” trip. Blondie can’t seem to coax anyone to go glamping with her, but a sudden text from “A” has them all rethinking their weekend plans.
“A” must have a really great unlimited texting plan.
Mama Sydney’s still having money woes, as evidenced by her homemade coffee (still?!) and Blondie hitting redial on the phone to discover that her mom had called the mortgage company’s department of delinquent accounts and foreclosures. HA! That was the most convenient automated dialing system I’ve heard in my life. In struts birthday bitch Mona with her plans to ditch school for shopping and lunch at Rive Gauche. Mama Syd disapproves of cutting class, and she’s even less thrilled when Mona threatens not to be Blondie’s friend anymore if she bails. But she swoops in and gives Blondie the last hundo in her wallet, with instructions to treat Mona to dinner.
“You look familiar?” “We get Botox from the same doctor.” “Oh, riiiight!”
Byron has a single parent meltdown in front of Buggy, which is so not cute. He misses Ella, blah blah blah. When’s he gonna hook up with Sydney?!
Schnoz’s bitchy older sister Melissaraptor is being nice for once, and Schnoz is truly freaked out. Melissa talks about Ian (her ex) and how she turned down his offer for coffee because he broke her heart. Plus, she’s still getting over catching her ex-fiance Ren smooching her sister. Not a good year for ya, eh, Mel?
Looks like they both raided the same, fugly, WASPy closet.
Suddenly, Schnoz has a flashback to kissing Ian. Whoa! Ex-scoiwse me?! Just how many guys HAS she stolen from her sister? No wonder her sister hates her guts! Schnoz is turning out to be almost as big of a sluter as Lezzie! Naturally, Alison sees the kiss and calls Schnoz a skank. (I’m guessing she’s just jealous cuz Ian is supposed to be HER man-whore!)
Noel is turning out to be quit the charmer with Buggy, but of course, Fitzy walks by and gets mad jealous when Noel kisses her.
The girls are summoned to the principal’s office. Blondie texts Mona that she can’t make the shopping excursion, to which Mona replies, “Screw you.” LOL. In walks Agent Cooper … from the FBI! Dun dun dun!
I dare the girls to go a full episode without making these damned faces.
Ok, hold up! Why the hell is the FBI involved in some hick-town murder investigation? Agent Cooper leans provocatively against the desk like she’s Naomi Campbell and explains that the local authorities asked for their help. (Ludicrous!) She shows them the tape they received of Alison talking seductively. Lezzy says it was taken at the Kissing Rock. Buggy says it was taken the night Alison disappeared. Blondie says that Alison’s wearing a sweater that doesn’t belong to her. And Schnoz assumes it belongs to the mystery older guy she was seeing.
Peek a boob!
Poor Sydney can’t get an extension on her mortgage payments. She’s literally at her financial wits’ end. Enter deus ex machina: some old rich bitch is at her bank with her annual handfuls of money to put in her safety deposit box. Old Mrs. Potter informs her that she’s the last of her family; when she goes, that’s it! Syd stares hungrily at the wad of cash and licks her chops, and I start to wonder if she’s capable of murder?!
Noel picks up a poetry book that fell out of Buggy’s locker. On it is a sticky note that says: “Read page 22. -A” Turns out to be a shiteous poem by Fitzy called “B-26.” Buggy freaks out.
It’s a hyphenate. It’s a poem. It’s a stinker!
Sydney’s at her desk when old troll face spies a dish of candies on her desk. OMG! Death by butterscotch? Will Syd refuse to help save her life when she’s choking to death? Gollum’s mother makes off with the entire dish of candy, but forgets her safety deposit box keys. Way too convenient!! But Syd’s devious little mind starts reeling …
If you’re here, then who’s guarding the bridge??
Old habits die hard, and Hefty Hanna is hitting up the vending machines at school. Some random girl asks her for the name of her lipo doctor. Then she gets the icky feeling that everyone is whispering about her. She runs into Mona, who says that she got a text from “A” exposing how Blondie REALLY lost weight last summer. Blondie denies the accusation, but Queen B-list could care less. As far as she is concerned, their best friendship is null and void, and Blondie is summarily un-invited from the glamping trip! Blondie tells Lezzy and Schnoz that Mona broke up with her, which is funny, but kinda sad. But you know what? Good riddance! Like Blondie, I’m so over that bitch, too! Blondie tells the girls that she still plans to go glamping though. “A” might be playing games, but she isn’t!
This means WAR!
Buggy reads Fitzy’s poem, then storms in to confront him about how he could turn his back on Team Fuggy. Yawn. Same fight, different episode. Only this time, Noel walks in and catches the end of their tiff, then has a nasty little stare-down with Fitz. If I were Noel, I’d run and tell Teasley 2.0 so that I could get the ball rolling on Team Nuggy!
Someone is lurking outside of Melissaraptor’s window! Cheap scare: it’s only Ian. He wants to get coffee and talk, and she’s annoyed he won’t take “no” for an answer. The girls walk in with their glamping gear, and Melissaraptor stomps off. Schnoz chases after her and tries to bury the hatchet between them (since she’s apparently racked with DOUBLE guilt) and her sis finally agrees to give Ian a second chance. Schnoz comes clean to the girls about Ren AND Ian, and Blondie’s like, “Shut the front door!”
Buggy’s like, “And I thought I was a whore!”
Suddenly, Alison pops up on the news, and the reporter is saying how authorities searched Alison’s house and a blood stain on the sweater is a match. Wait, didn’t Maya move into Alison’s old house and throw out her crap?! Then the reporter says police have issued a warrant for Toby! The girls can’t believe that it was HIS sweater! Naturally, they jump to the conclusion that he must have been Alison’s older boyfriend at the Kissing Rock.
What is up with this Barbizon model head shot?! Horrible!
Lezy and Maya are cozying up in bed together when Lezzy’s phone rings. There’s no one on the other end – just some heavy breathing. Hmm. Is it Toby, or the town’s resident pedophile?? Suddenly, they hear someone open the front door. Lezzy calls out, “Mom?” but there’s no response. Footsteps on the stairs! Ok, this is getting a little creepy! Cheap scare: It turns out to be her dad, home from war in Afghanistan. Um, that was the longest 10 days for him to get home, by the way. And why the hell didn’t he respond when she called out?! Mom pops up, too, and seems annoyed to see Maya, and asks that she leave so they can have quality family time – ALONE. Mee-ouch!
Does she not like Maya cuz she’s black? Or cuz she’s a lesbian?
Buggy has lunch with her mom, and they clear the air with their issues. Zzz…
Lezzy’s dad watches her looking at herself in the mirror – weird – and they sit down for a little father-daughter talk about boys and honor and truth. Lezzy seems inspired to come out to her dad right then … but she pulls back, scared that HE. CAN’T. HANDLE. THE. TRUTH! Meanwhile, Mamacita is eavesdropping outside, then looks disapprovingly at the scandalous photo booth pics of Lezzy kissing Maya!!! WHOA! I can’t believe that “A” had the balls to ‘out’ Lezzy to her mom! That is WAY messed up!
No wonder Mamacita no le gusta Maya!
Schnoz is packing her bag for the glamping trip when Melissaraptor stops by for a little heart to heart. She can’t believe that Alison used to trash talk Toby, when the whole time she was really seeing him. Schnoz says that Alison loved to play games, and her sis goes, “That’s probably what got her killed.” Nice! And my guess is, by YOU!
Lezzy arrives at the glamping trip, and then flips out when Toby pops up in her backseat! He wants to finish what he started telling her at Homecoming. He confesses that Jenna was obsessed with him, and if he left her, she’d tell the police he forced himself on her. Gross! Toby says he met Alison outside of Schnoz’s barn to thank her for giving him an excuse to get away from Jenna, and he only gave her his sweater cuz she was cold. When he left, he saw her getting in a car with some guy. He knows it looks bad to the police, so he plans to skip town, but he hopes she’ll meet him one last time behind the church before midnight. WTF?! This kid is both ugly AND stupid! I secretly hope he gets gunned down by mistake!
Lezzy is horrified to see that Toby’s hair has only gotten girlier since he disappeared.
Schnoz and Buggy arrive at Camp Mona, which is OOC! (out of control!) Mona is faux shocked that everyone brought presents, and she only hopes that if she doesn’t like them, they have gift receipts! So, let’s break down this glamping trip:
Massage tent and mani – pedi area.
The “blow me” bar.
And the mini bar.
I DIED laughing when I saw the midget working the mini bar! Hands down the funniest moment of the episode! I also howled when I saw Mona systematically counting all of the present. What a delicious little bitch! The girls get a taunting text from “A” to come find them where they found Alison’s bracelet. Mona tells Buggy and Lezzy that it’s “their turn to get blown” so Schnoz has to go it alone. Complicating matters further, Fitzy sends Buggy a text saying that he needs to see her.
Blondie, with her ugly carpet bag of snacks and binoculars, creeps through the woods to spy on Camp Mona, while Lezzy and Buggy suffer through HIGH-larious blow-outs! Schnoz returns with a bracelet that says “Jenna” and a note from “A” that says, “You’re as blind as Jenna. Looking for me in all the wrong places.”
Sydney is driving home when she stops at a light and suddenly creepo Byron is banging on her window, asking for a lift home. Random! She says she’s not going home, and peels off, then looks down at all the wads of cash in her purse that she stole! DAYUM! Looks like we have a new pretty little liar on our hands!!
Chad Lowe, put down the “Will work for food” sign and stop begging for change!
Toby is waiting outside a picturesque white church. He looks elated when he sees headlights, but it turns out to be the cops! He tries to prance away, but he’s surrounded now, and he gets hauled off in cuffs. I wonder if “A” is the one who blew the whistle on him??
Maybe he can get a buzz cut in prison?
All the girls are wearing their Camp Mona sweatshirts, so it’s hard to make out who’s who, but Schnoz finds Lezzy and tells her they have to go to the right place – WRIGHT. Wright’s Playground! Holy schnikes! To the Batmobile!
Blondie is sitting alone in the woods with her binoculars, and I’m scared that someone’s gonna pop up behind her, but the cheap scare will be that it’s only the gay bodyguard. Suddenly, she sees a car pull up and a hooded figure gets into the car. It’s Buggy – and she’s having an illicit rendezvous with Fitzy. They both ask for forgiveness, and then start smooching wildly. The headlights turn off, and peeping Tom Blondie is horrified to learn the truth about Buggy and Mr. Fitz.
Try not to bite her nose off, dude!
Over at Wright’s Playground, Schnoz and Lezzy find a tree where someone has carved into it a heart that reads: “Alison + Ian.” HA! YES! I knew it! I was right! Ian is the one who was Alison’s older boyfriend!
Being right never felt SO good!
Blondie suddenly spies a hooded figure sneak up to Mr. Fitz’s car and write “I see you” on the rear windshield while Fuggy is get their mack on. Blondie texts all the girls, “SOS. I know who A is. Heading to the parking lot.” UGH! Why couldn’t she just text them the answer?! Dumb Blondie! Somehow Buggy comes up for air and joins Schnoz and Lezzy. They call out to Blondie, who starts running towards them, when out of nowhere, she gets mowed down by a car!
Deer in headlights.
Left for dead!
The girls race to Blondie’s side, where they get one last message that says, “She knew too much. -A” The episode ends with the girls bleating like sheep for help, as Blondie’s life hangs in the balance…! And at the very, very end, the video of Alison reveals that she was in fact at the Kissing Rock with Ian. But he can’t be “A.” Too obvi. He’s just a big, dumb, red herring.
Okay, so, that was a pretty decent cliffhanger! Obvi, Blondie is NOT dead. That’s a DUH to the max. But perhaps she’ll have amnesia when she wakes up in the hospital? Question though: how did “A” know that Blondie figured out their identity?? AND furthermore, was that even “A” driving the car?? What if the twist is that it was Blondie’s mom who accidentally ran her over?? Whatever the case, we’ll be sitting on the edge of seats waiting to figure out. New episodes of Pretty Little Liars won’t start airing again until January. UGH! So, until then, my gasmii, stay tuned! And leave your comments!