Ok, my pretty little Gasmii! First order of business: Show & Tell! So, last Friday, I was out with one of my besties, Michael Ross. We made complete piggies of ourselves at the food trucks parked down on Wilshire, and needed to walk off the extra libbies. Anyways, we were shopping at the Urban Outfitters over on Melrose, and I went upstairs to try on a cute, new pair of jorts, when who should I run into, but Torrey DeVitto, the actress who plays Schnoz’s cunty older sister, Melissaraptor! Girlfriend was SKIN-NY!! Yikes! And so tiny! But VERY pretty! She was also shopping with two less fortunate looking pals, which only made her prettier … on the inside, of course. Natch, I texted Michael to get his butt upstairs to confirm the celeb sighting. Sho nuf, he was just as aghast as I was. “She played Carrie on One Tree Hill,” he told me, and I was like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Of course, we were too smitten to take a pic, but it was still a fun “spotted” that I had to share with you guys!
And now, on with the recap!
While Rosewood was ravaged by intense weather, our pretty little liars were put to the test, literally, as they waited out the storm during the SAT’s at school. It was a finely tawt episode (pun intended) full of romance and intrigue!
Buggy and Blondie are over at Schnoz’s house, cramming for the SAT’s. True to form, Schnoz is being a complete show off with her five dollar word flashcards. Blondie is totes bored, and would rather pig out on bowtie noodles and gab about Noel with Buggy. Schnoz can’t help but get sucked into boy talk, and goes all gushy about her new boyfriend, Alex. Unfortch, her haggard looking mom walks in, whining about how she misses butter. (She looks like she’s been sucking down butterscotch schnapps for lunch, though.) Buggy and Blondie can’t believe that Schnoz hasn’t told her upper crust mother about her blue collar beau yet. Mrs. Hastings then asks about Lezzy, who is noticeably absent.
Schnoz is like, “Why do I even bother with you plebians? It’s not like we’ll even stay friends once I matriculate to Harvard!”
Cut to Lezzy sneaking into her room, wet, and covered in mud, as lightening flashes outside. The music suggests that she is being mysterious or hiding something. My first instinct was that she and gal pal Maya got caught up having some sex out in the woods (like a certain couple of friends of mine from high school who shall remain nameless) and didn’t want her parents to bust her. But then she hid her purse under her bed and “A” sent her another threatening text.
How does “A” know all of their moves?!
The next day at school, Mrs. H is accompanying Schnoz to her SAT class. HA! I would be mortified! Mrs. H is clutching an umbrella (lest we forget there’s a storm brewing!) and starts harassing the principal, an older black woman, not unlike Mrs. Teasley from the original 90210. Teasley 2.0 gruffly assures her that the storm will not interfere with the SAT testing.
Apparently, Rosewood High is some testing center, so Alex shows up from his poor kid school that he goes to, and starts macking on Schnoz in front of her friends.
I don’t know what’s worse for Buggy and Blondie… the grotesque PDA or the fact that Schnoz is dating the help?!
Mrs. H pops up (best timing ever!) and Schnoz is forced to introduce her mom to Alex Santiago. Mrs. H looks like she’s about to vomit up a hairball, and I wonder if it was the mention of the Latino-sounding name “Santiago” that made her ill. Alex and Mrs. H have a suspiciously awkward interaction, and Alex makes himself scarce.
Then Officer Wilden pops up to inform them that someone trashed Alison’s memorial last night. Mrs. H thanks him for having the worst timing ever, since he’s now obviously ruined the girls’ concentration right before the most important test of their high school careers. Officer Wilden wishes them luck. HA! Douche.
Too bad the girls aren’t being tested on their shocked reaction faces.
Officer Wilden makes one last ditch effort to rattle Lezzy about Toby before he leaves, and he notices that her white canvas shoes are covered in mud. Apparently, wearing muddy shoes on a rainy day is a HUGE crime in Rosewood, and thus makes her a prime suspect in his book. PS, I know she’s a lez and all, but doesn’t she have any other shoes to wear?! I mean, come ON!!
Lezzy catches up with the girls in the library, and tells them some bogus story about how practice ran so late that she went home to crash instead of study with them. LIAR! Buggy spots her mom walking into school, too, and understandably freaks out. Ella informs her that she’s on the school’s substitute list, and was called in last minute to proctor the SAT’s. HA! Sucks for Buggy, but genius move on the writers’ part.
Buggy’s trademark bug eyes.
Meanwhile, Buggy’s dad Byron calls up Blondie’s mom with some lame excuse about how his power’s out and he needs to use her fax. Yeah, right. I bet he’d like to “fax” her all over the house! Mama Sydney is too nice to say no, and invites him over.
Teasley 2.0 informs everyone that the SAT’s are going to be slightly delayed due to the storm. Nerdy Lucas tells Blondie that he’s keeping an eye on her online sales. In walks bitchy, little, gremlin face Mona, who tries to cut Lucas down, but he and Blondie just snicker at her, because she is clearly carrying one of Blondie’s recently hawked handbags! Talk about second-best! HA!
Somebody found a hand-me-down purse … and hand-me-down botox!
Lezzy gets another text from “A” only this time it’s a literary puzzle!
Officer Wilden refuses to go away! He pops up AGAIN, and confronts the girls about where they were last night. Lezzy lies and says they were all studying at Schnoz’s house. LIAR! Wilden hardly believes her, but leaves. The girls ask Lezzy why she’s being so shady, and instead of fessing up, she storms off into the library to find Great Expectations. Hidden inside the book she finds a letter that she had written to Alison last summer, blasting the Queen Bee for not returning her amorous feelings!
Talk about your poison pen!
Cheap scare alert: Lightening crackles! This time Schnoz gets a text from “A” with a witty, little SAT theme to it. The girls all freak out. Is “A” sitting in the library with them?!
Who knew “A” was secretly such a nerd?!
Schnoz spots Alex, who says only 8 kids from his school showed up for the test. WTF?! What back-woods school is he going to? Schnoz tries to confront him about the weird vibes between him and Mrs. H, but he clams up and runs away again.
Teasley 2.0 tells Buggy that there’s now a tornado watch, and no one’s allowed to leave the library. Luckily, Noel invites her to sneak off for a lil fun.
Byron’s fax is halfway through the machine when the power goes out at Mama Syd’s. HA! Somehow, he manages to find yet another way to bemoan the fact that he’s suddenly a single parent! Oh, boo hoo! Syd tells him that she refuses to take sides in his divorce, and the two bust out the Chardonnay. Before you know it, he’s somehow invited her to dinner at some Moroccan restaurant. Ruh roh!
More lightening! In the episode’s most cheese-tastic moment, Noel busts out a guitar and out of nowhere, Buggy starts singing. Correction: croaking. She’s awful! I hope to god that Lucy Hale (the actress who plays her) doesn’t have her sights set on being a cross over artist, cuz I ain’t buying her debut single! There are enough Miley Cyruses and Selena Gomezes out there cloggin’ up the airwaves!
Lezzy has a flashback to Alison reading Great Expectations in the library, and the two of them sharing a rather tender and innocent kiss. I almost liked Alison for a split second … until I remembered what a bitch she is! Even from beyond the grave! PS, not that I’m keeping track or anything, but Lezzy has smooched four people already this season! If she goes back to being straight, I may have to change her name to Slutty!
Buggy finally stops flapping her gums long enough for Noel to lean in for a kiss. But then, in the BEST moment of the episode, Fitzy returns from god-knows-where with his mouth hanging open, interrupting their kiss. Buggy’s eyes go buggy. Noel returns to the library, and Buggy stays to confront Fitzy about his disappearing act. He admits that he interviewed at another school because as much as he loves being one half of FUGGY, their love simply cannot be. Buggy storms off like she always does.
You snooze, you lose, Fitzy!
Teasley 2.0 herds all the kids into “safety” of the locker room to protect them from the tornado. Too bad she can’t protect Lucas from Mona’s acid tongue! Blondie finally tells Mona to back the eff off. Meanwhile, Schnoz tries to pry into Alex’s involvement with Mrs. H, but he says it’s not his place to tell her, and he runs off for the third time. Seriously, who does he think he is? Buggy?!
Lezzy has another flashback, only this one is more salacious. Alison is toweling off in front of her, then asks her to help fasten her fancy French bra. Horndog Lezzy leans in and steals a kiss on Alison’s neck, which causes her to freak out and turn all homophobic on Lezzy. Apparently she’s only into boys, and was only kissing Lezzy for practice! What a tease!!
You like a full bush? All the girls are doing it in GAY Par-ee!
Lezzy’s apparently been left behind in the library, and now the power goes out! There’s a noise behind her! She calls out, but nothing. In the funniest sequence of the episode, someone keeps dropping books on Lezzy’s head to scare her! I start peeing in my pants laughing. Worse yet, both her purse and the letter have disappeared!
Hallelujah, it’s raining books!
Ella and Fitzy bump into each other while searching for snacks in the storage closet. The scene is fraught with tension, as she seems to have the hots for him, and he is feeling guilty for having effed her daughter. Ella then starts whining about her divorce and how it’s affecting Buggy, and the scene gets a little too touching for my taste. NEXT!
Blondie is on the same page as me, and tells Lezzy that if she was with Maya last night, it’s really no big deal. In fact, she should come clean to the other girls. Lezzy acts all indignant, but before she can respond, Officer Wilden pulls her aside, and the girls all chase after them. Not only does he have her purse, but he knows she’s a filthy little liar because someone sent him pictures of her at Alison’s memorial last night! He assumes that she was there trying to cover up Toby’s tracks, and she denies everything. But then he rifles through her purse and finds those tacky statues from the bird bath and asks why she stole them. She says she only kept them as mementos. The nail in the coffin is when he produces the letter, written three days before Alison was murdered, and he tells the girls how Lezzy was pissed that Alison rejected her!!! Lezzy finally comes clean and confesses that she loved Alison as more than a friend, but never had the chance to tell her.
Nothing like a good old fashioned outting!
Blondie insists that he give Lezzy her letter back, but Officer Wilden refuses. Just then, Mrs. H comes in and throws her weight as a mother and a lawyer around. She says he has no right to question minors without a parent present, so nothing said or found is admissable! Woo-hoo! Go, lawyer lady! PS, the power outtage is making her look a LOT better! Kinda like Mariska Hargitay’s older sister?
Don’t mess with Mrs. H!
Buggy tries to comfort Lezzy by saying that no matter what, Alison did love her, even if it wasn’t in the way she wanted. Teasley 2.0 tells everyone the storm warning is over, and the SAT’s have been postponed! YAY! Schnoz confronts her mom about the weird Alex situation, and her mom decides to finally come clean. She tells a tale about getting drunk at the country club one weekend and spilling her guts to Alex about a secret lumpectomy she’d had and never told her family about! She avoided the club for months after, and then swore Alex to secrecy. Whoa!! Heavy!! She then wins me over when she tells Schnoz that Alex is a keeper!
No, Mrs. H, YOU are a keeper!!
The power comes back on at Syd’s house, and she and Byron are acting SO cute together! Me likey! But at the last minute, they both chicken out and come up with reasons why they can’t do dinner. WTF?! BOO! Me no likey.
Oh, go on and fax her already!!
Buggy agrees to a date with Noel, then flashes her mom a knowing smile that says everything is cool between them. Awww! Schnoz attacks Alex with a giant kiss and tells him what a keeper he is. Lezzy returns Great Expectations to a random shelf in the library. Lucas thanks Blondie for telling Mona off. She says that’s what friends are for, and bounces off before Lucas can confess his love to her. Then the camera pans down to his white canvas shoes, which are covered in mud!! Wait, aside from the fact that Lucas is pigeon-toed and has two left feet, I don’t understand why having mud on your shoes is such a crime? There was a storm! Everyone has mud on their shoes! He’s hardly the one who destroyed the memorial! And this was hardly revelatory to us viewers. I could see the mud on his shoes all episode long!!
Oops! I crapped my shoes.
At the very end, “A” mails a salacious zip drive video of Alison purring, “I know you want to kiss me,” to the Rosewood Police Dept. Are we supposed to think she made this video for Lezzy? My money is still on Ian (Melissa’s ex) who showed up at her memorial at the end of the last episode! She DID have an “older boyfriend” according to the girls in the first episode! I still think Melissaraptor found out and killed her!
This shiz is about to go viral!
Well, we soon shall find out!! Next week is the summer season finale! Aghhh!! How do you think they will wrap things up / cliffhang it? Who thinks Byron and Sydney are gonna kiss? Who thinks Ella will walk in on Fuggy? Will Lezzy’s dad ever come home from Afghanistan? Will someone kill Mona at her own birthday party? Leave your comments!!