Pretty Little Liars: My Affair Lady

So, I forced my friend Val to watch this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars with me, and I am happy to announce that we have a new convert to summer’s guiltiest pleasure! Last night’s episode did not disappoint when it came to hijinks or hilarity. In fact, snaps to the writers for the extra sharp dialogue and some choice zingers that brought many an LOL out of Val.

Picking up where we left off last week, the girls wake up from their slumber party at Schnoz’s house. Buggy is pissed about the letter that “A” sent to her mom about her dad’s affair. She confides to the girls that she should have followed Alison’s advice and confessed the truth a year ago. Blondie tries to lighten the tension by making fun of Meredith’s name, and Shnoz hands her a bagel, telling her to “put something in her mouth besides her foot.” LOL

Those who wear teddy bear pajamas shouldn’t throw stones.

The girls head upstairs to clean up the mirror when Blondie’s cell phone rings. (Apparently, they’ve all decided to let “A” back into their top 5 calling plan circle and unblocked their number.) “A” is back with a vengeance, and sends another taunting message and an attachment, which turns out to be footage of the girls from the night before … shot from INSIDE Schnoz’s bedroom closet!

The call is coming from inside the closet … and it’s NOT Lezzy!

The girls run upstairs (unarmed) to inspect the closet. Cheap scare of the episode: They fling the doors open and a box falls down, startling them. Buggy finds a tube of red lipstick on the ground, and then feels compelled to schmear it all over her hand and hold it up against the writing on the mirror to show us that it is IN FACT the same shade of Jungle Red! NO DOY!

No, thanks, Buggy. We got it the first time. Now go wash your hands.

Buggy’s kid brother makes a rare cameo, and after dispensing some invaluable makeup tips, asks Buggy if she knows why their parents seem to be arguing. Buggy doesn’t have the heart to tell him. Downstairs, Buggy tells her mom that she feels awful for keeping this secret for a whole year – which is news to her mom! Ella pretends that she isn’t seething with rage, and Buggy trudges off to school feeling like an even bigger asshole.

If only I remembered those spells of mine from Charmed!

Blondie runs into Sean downtown, and they share a chuckle over the grotesque orthopedic oxfords that she has to wear as part of her servitude at his mother’s dental office. “Hideous looks good on me,” she quips. Blondie fishes for a date invite to the Homecoming Dance (I smell next episode’s backdrop!) but Sean blows her off and hops into a car with some other blonde chickypoo.

At school, the girls speculate if Jenna the blind girl could be “A” and if she was working alone, or with her creeptastic step-bro, Toby. Lezzy gets huffy at the mention of her new possible paramour. Just then Mr. Sheldrake pops up in all his stuffy glory and informs Schnoz that she won the Golden Orchid essay writing contest (with the paper she stole from her sister.) This just keeps getting better!

In chem class, Lezzy and Toby are working on some mouthwash experiment. She chides him for doing his homework at The Grill, some local hangout. When Lezzy says she spent the night at a friend’s house, Toby asks if she meant Maya. Lezzy gets indignant, and Toby says he just figured she was the newest member of her (pussy) posse. Hmm. Maybe this boy isn’t as stupid as he looks?

Nope!  He looks pretty stupid to me!

Buggy stops by Mr. Fitz’s classroom for some hardcore flirting. He acts weird and evasive, but ends up inviting her to a reading of a short story he wrote.

Blondie is dressed for work in the most unflattering dental smock with kittens all over it! Just then, the elevator doors open and Jenna, the bitchy blind girl gets in. Blondie watches in horror as Jenna reapplies her lipstick … which just happens to be Jungle Red!!! Dun dun dun! Val made an astute observation: why was Jenna using the mirrored reflection of the elevator doors? The bitch is blind! Isn’t she?! “You like the color?” she asks creepily, and Blondie watches her exit on the 14th floor …

Jenna’s lucky she’s blind so she doesn’t have to look at Blondie’s ugly kitten smock!

Schnoz comes home and is horrified to learn that Mr. Sheldrake called her dad about the essay. Proud papa can’t stop beaming, which only makes Schnoz feel worse. He then invites her to a game of doubles at the country club tomorrow with a potential new client and his daughter. Eek! I don’t see this ending well.

A little male attention goes a LONG way with this eager beaver.

Blondie sneaks out of the dental office just in time to see Jenna getting back in the elevator. (How convenient!) She wonders what Jenna was even doing there, and starts poking around the other offices, but is cut short by a nosy security guard.

Back at school, Lezzy and Toby are STILL in chem. (Longest class ever, apparently!) Their mouthwash has turned to Flubber, and Toby is mesmerized by the green goo as if he just jizzed it out himself. He even takes a whiff of it!! I swear if he licks it, I’m gonna puke. Lezzy knocks over the goo, which gives her the perfect opportunity to wipe up Toby’s notebook, which is covered with doodles of some band they have a mutual interest in. Toby goes from deranged to smitten in about 2.6 seconds, and offers to make her a mix CD, then invites her to coffee at The Grill later.

This is just gross!

Over at some random, dank club, Buggy is impressed by Mr. Fitz’s reading. Some handsome stranger at the bar informs her that he and Fitzy “go way back. We used to sleep together,” he says, pauses dramatically, then adds, “Bunk beds! College!” Buggy is relieved, and I am on the floor dying with laughter.

Buggy’s not sure she approves of this bromance.

It’s daylight again (whoever edited this episode should be shot!) and Schnoz is on the courts practicing her serve for the game tomorrow. She garners the attention of some lowly but “cute” tennis ball boy named Alex, and starts to get her flirt on. I don’t fully approve, but kudos to Schnoz and Lezzy for juggling multiple romantic love interests at one time! It lends a tad more messy believability to the show!

Rule number one, sweetie: Don’t sleep with the help!

Over a rousing game of darts and some beers, Fitzy and college buddy Hardy are regaling Buggy with tales of the good old days. Buggy learns that Fitzy laughs in his sleep, to which she purrs, “That’s cute!” Hardy’s ears prick up in alarm, and when Buggy leaves, he chastises Fitz for carrying on such a blatant affair with a student. Terrified at the prospect of a pink slip and an orange jumpsuit, Fitzy comes to his senses and shrugs off Buggy’s advances.

Hardy Boy over here isn’t as dumb as he seems!

Blondie’s mom comes home to find her daughter stalking Sean’s new love interest Amber on Facebook. Mama Sydney tries to lecture her on composure, until Blondie drops the bomb that her dad is engaged to Isabel, at which point mom loses all self-control herself.

How any man could kick Sydney out of bed is beyond me!

Things take a juicy twist when Blondie gets an IM from “ThisIsA” saying: “Now I know two secrets. Hanna got dissed … and Emily got KISSED! -A” Up pops the delicious photo booth pic of Lezzy’s steamy smooch with Maya, and there’s an audible thud as Blondie’s jaw hits the ground!

You’ve got fe-MAIL!

Over at The Grill, Schnoz has the lipstick baggied up like evidence, and Blondie swears it’s the same shade she saw Jenna wearing. But why was she at the medical plaza? They spy Toby in the corner reading Catcher in the Rye which we all know from Mel Gibson’s character in Conspiracy Theory means he’s clearly a deranged assassin. Toby perks up when Lezzy walks in, but she’s too embarrassed to be seen by her friends with him, so she blows past him and joins their table. Classic bitch move! Toby goes from smitten to wounded in 2.6 seconds and runs off.

Cold-hearted Lezzy.

Buggy escorts Fitzy home and then calls him on his ‘tude. Fitzy tells her they are more wrong than right together, which sounds sensible, but then he manages to talk himself back into kissing her. Dumbass! After some smooching in the very public hallway outside Fitzy’s apartment, Buggy offers to cook him dinner the following night, and Fitzy agrees.

Schnoz leaves to go pick out a tennis outfit for tomorrow’s game. The waitress hands Lezzy a CD with some homespun art on the cover and tells her that “someone left this for her.” Things take a hilarious Shakespearean turn when Blondie asks her about it, and Lezzy says, “Someone from school made it.” Clearly, Lezzy is embarrassed to admit she likes Toby. But Blondie has it in her head that the CD is from Maya! “Whoever made it must like you a lot!” Blondie chirps, then adds, “If there’s someone in your life who cares about you, then I’m happy for you. No matter who they are!” I howled so hard with laughter at ABC Family’s attempt to have a PC “it’s ok to be gay” chat between friends. A for effort, though!

So cheesy that it’s kind of adorkable!

The next day, Schnoz is outraged when her dad asks her to throw the tennis game in order to assuage his prospective client. “But I was out there swatting balls all day!” she laments. LOL. Whose balls?! Schnoz gets really worked up, and I kinda don’t see what her problem is. This is business. How else does she think her dad affords their ritzy lifestyle? Schnoz begrudgingly serves the ball into the net, earning her a stern look of disapproval from Alex on the sidelines. Again, why is everyone getting so worked up over this game? Who is Alex to judge?!

Blondie sneaks back to the office she saw Jenna coming out of, and through a lame case of mistaken identity (I won’t bore you with the details) discovers that Jenna was at the medical plaza to see her psychotherapist. That’s the big secret? Meh. Who DOESN’T have a therapist these days?! But apparently, this is a HUGE indictment, thus proving that Jenna is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Buggy’s brother freaks out when he hears their parents arguing again downstairs. He can’t figure out for the life of him why they are upset, despite a very obvious conversation about the dad’s affair with Meredith. Ella throws a photo across the room which shatters with over-the-top audio-enhanced shattering.

Is Buggy lamenting her parents’ impending divorce or the fact that the costumer designer put her in patchwork denim?

Despite Alex chastising Schnoz for compromising her morals by throwing the game (give me a break!) she finds him charming enough to ask him out on a date some time, and he happily accepts.

Blondie has a heart-to-heart with her mom, and Sydney confesses that she, too, Googled the other woman, and that she shouldn’t be giving out relationship advice because she had to much pride to tell her ex that she wanted him back, and now it’s too late.

Buggy shows up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to cook dinner for Fitzy. Unfortunately, he’s fit to be tied because she left her phone at his place and he “just happened” to see the latest text from “A” which blows the lid on their affair. Buggy swears she didn’t tell anyone, least of all her non-friend “A” but Fitzy isn’t having it and throws her out cold on her ass.

“A” is for asshole!

Blondie tries to break into the therapist’s office, presumably to sneak a peek at Jenna’s file, when she runs into Sean, and proceeds to bitterly interrogate him about Amber. Sean tells her that she simply drives him to school for the RLW meetings he’s been attending. Is that like AA, you ask? Worse! It stands for “Real Love Waits.” It’s some sort of gay, waiting for marriage support group started by the Jonas Brothers. Shockingly, Blondie asks if she can join him at the next meeting. Ugh. And the old ABC Family rears it’s ugly head again.

Schnoz is repulsed by her father when he tells her that his precious business deal almost fell apart after the tennis match because he didn’t book a table for lunch, so he made a scene and blamed the “oversight” on poor schmuck Alex. Schnoz cops attitude about “doing anything to win” and her dad scoffs that she is just like him. In retaliation, Schnoz picks this moment to inform her dad that she stole her essay, but surely he won’t mind because winning’s all that matters to him. Ta-dow, sister!!

Coming clean never felt so good!

The episode ends with a lame Dawson’s Creek-style montage: Lezzy catches up with Toby at The Grill and gives him a mix CD in return as a mea culpa. Toby’s a big enough pussy that he falls for this lame apology. Schnoz meets Alex at the country club for their little date. And Buggy curls up at home on the couch with her pathetic brother.

I kinda expected a stronger, more shocking ending, but all in all, it was a great episode! I can’t wait for next week’s Homecoming shenanigans! What did you all think? Leave your comments!!