Pretty Little Liars: Not-So-Nice-y Hot

Before we get started, I want to apologize for the lateness.  I try ever so hard to get the recap up 2 days after the show airs — I think people tend to lose interest the longer it takes to get the recap up — but sometimes real life gets in the way.  My nieces were here, someone was on vacay at work, so I had to fill in with extra hours, so there you go.  But take heart — PLL and all you lovely PLL gasmii were on my mind all week!

Which brings me to another point.  I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you for commenting and being hilarious and dead-on and smart about the show.  Because, let’s face it, I have a hard time keeping track of what’s going on sometimes!  (And if you’re hesitant about commenting — don’t be!  Everyone has something to bring to the PLL table!)  The comments are one of my favorite parts of recapping, and I love the dialogue you guys create.  I really like to give each commenter a personal reply in the comments, but sometimes I forget to do that, so just to reiterate:  I love you guys.  You are loved, as much as a recapper can platonically and virtually cyber-love commenters.  I like to think that if we were all at a party, we’d get along fabulously.  Just as long as everybody brought cupcakes.  All right, let’s tuck in, then!!

It’s nighttime, so is it the same night as last week’s end-of-episode?  Let’s go with yes, just to save some of our sanity.  All the gals are in Spencer’s car, where Spencer tells the girls about what she said to Garrett.  Hanna says it’s cold.  “Can you turn on the heat?  You could make a slushie back here.”  Mehhhhh, that’s not really a funny joke, PLL writers.  Maybe something like, “Can you turn on the heat?  It’s colder than Gwyneth Paltrow’s personality back here.”  I don’t know.  Aria’s like, Why would Jenna give Garrett the magical clay pot of sunshine?  Hanna suggests that she didn’t give it to him, but Spencer’s all, “Of course she did.  Where do you think he got it — the Blind Artists’ Craft Fair?”  Hee.  She wants to know when Jenna and Garrett got so chummy, but Spencer says that Jenna and Garrett have been neighbors for years.  Emily finally gets in the car — I guess they were parked outside her house, where the new tenants keep setting off the house alarm or activating it or something like that.  Something that sounds lame and stupid now but will probably be a major plot point in about 6 episodes, when we’ve all long forgotten about it.  Cuz that’s how this show rolls, people.

Suddenly, Garrett’s car pulls into the street, and then he parks it and walks up to Jenna’s house.  (It’s Toby’s house too, remember.)  The PLL Gang springs into action, walking up to Jenna’s yard to watch what’s about to unfold . . . well, unfold, I guess.  Jenna turns toward them and faces them directly, staring at them from the other side of the window.  I guess “staring” isn’t really the right word, since she can’t see them.  And then Garrett comes in and Jenna takes off her shirt and she and Garrett start making out.  The PLL Gang is shocked, shocked(!!!) at this behavior, but we aren’t.  Because we already knew those two were doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well.  Credits.

“Ew, Garrett, in the ear?!”

It’s morning at Hanna’s house (of course), and Emily’s doing sit-ups for her big swim meet.  Hanna tells her not to over-do it, but Emily’s not really listening to her, because the scout from Danby is coming to the meet, which makes it an even bigger deal than Emily was already making it.  Big Deal Swim Meet!  Emily’s a little sore from all the swimming, lying, and lesbian-ing, so she asks Hanna to hand her her bag, which contains the lotion with the Mystery Poisonous Substance inside!

“Um, Em, the tube is smoking and the lotion is melting your skin.”  “That’s how I know it’s working, you stupid butthead!”

Hanna says that Em’s used that cream a lot, but Emily says it’s all working.  Working to kill you!!  Just then, Hanna’s dad comes in for a little Breakfast of Shame.  Ashley comes down as well, and things are awkward in the Marin household.  That makes sense, given that this is breakfast, which according to PLL, is the most sinister meal of the day.

“The bagels are full of secrets, and the egg whites are out for revenge.  The bran muffins just keep you regular.”

Oh hey, there’s some mail on the table, including one sinister and explosive piece of mail:

Hanna’s Verizon bill!

Will she have gone over her usage on her multimedia package?!  Will her nighttime minutes really have been free?!  Was she charged correctly for her “Super Bass” ringtone?!  Was she?!  WAS SHE?!  Although, in actuality, the piece of mail is the “save the date” mailer for her dad’s wedding to that Isabelle chick.  Ashley is super excited for this letter, if the Ashley I’m talking about lived in an alternate universe.  Instead, it’s awkward all around and Emily tries to hide in her hair.

Over at Spencer’s house, Spencer’s looking online for info about Alison’s death or something, when Wren comes to the house with flowers for Melissa.  Spencer says she’s still in Philly, probably consoling herself with a 12 pack of Yuengling and cheesesteak after cheesesteak after cheesesteak.  Atta girl, Melissa.  Wren says that he’s back in Rosewood at the hospital for 6 months — ironically (except not really), Wren put in for his residency at Rosewood when he was engaged to Melissa.  Wow.  I forgot they were engaged.  So much has happened on this show in, what, a month in PLL time?  Sheesh.  Spencer asks if Wren’s ever performed an autopsy, and asks if the pathologist at Rosewood would know about a head wound and what caused it.  For a school project.

“I’ll be damned if I come in second at the science fair again.”

Wren wants to get some coffee because he’s “knackered,” but Spencer has school to get to.  And she has a boyfriend, she tells Wren.  Ouch.

Time for school!  It must be noon.  Hanna and Em are walking to the school when Hanna again sees Caleb getting some money from another kid for a cell phone illegal upgrade.  But what’s all this then?  Some other man is watching.  From a car.  And he has a file on Caleb!  Hanna tells Caleb to ix-nay on the ell-phone-say uff-stay, but Caleb’s all, You’re not the boss of me, so don’t try to boss me around, boss head!

So, I guess Garrett’s at the school.  Why are so many non-students just wandering the halls of Rosewood at any given moment?  Garrett tells Spencer that it’s his turn to teach the driver’s ed class.  He asks why Spencer ran off last night, but Spencer says everything is okay and she was just reading about something in biology that made her think of Alison, but the case is closed, so everything’s fine, just fine, it’s all fine now, everything’s fine!!

Some random school dude (in a lettermen jacket, natch), confronts Mike in the hallway.  Anyone else think Mike looks like a poor man’s Zac Effron?  Because I do.  Anyway, this kid makes fun of Mike for breaking into peoples’ homes.  Which, granted, is kind of warranted.  I mean, the dude stole camping equipment and the magical clay pot of sunshine.  At least go for the jewelry and valium, dude.  Mike and Lettermen almost get into fisticuffs, but Ella (Mike’s mom, also a teacher at the school, remember) breaks it up.  She wants to talk to him, but Mike’s all, “Later.”  Dumbass.

“Oh hell no.  I will totally go all Power of Three on your ass, son!”

Has Holly Marie had some work done?  It seems like that scar on her eyebrow is gone.  Maybe she just doesn’t look as fresh and doe-eyed as she did on Charmed (of which I am now on the finale of season 2 and, although the show is pretty low-rent, I’m loving her as Piper and I will miss Shannen Doherty in the upcoming seasons.).  She’s still gorgeous, though.  And I still want to go drinking with her.

Aria’s decided to go back to the pottery classroom for some alone time with a bowl she obviously bought at Target and is trying to pass off as her own.  Ezra shows up and is pleased that she’s on campus today.  He says he was hoping she was at the pottery wheel so they could do that whole “Ghost” thing.  Aria says she saw that movie and it “ends sadly.”  Um, it kind of begins sadly too, since Patrick Swayze is murdered in the first like 10 minutes.  Aria asks if they can flirt later, and Ezra asks about Mike.  Aria breaks the news that Mike has broken into tons of other peoples’ homes, including Jason’s.  Ezra’s all, JASON Jason?  That Jason who was at your dinner?  Yup.  Same one, Fitz.  He finds another magical clay pot of sunshine (way to diversify, Jenna) and asks if it’s Aria’s.

“Wait, wait, no, this clay pot displays a tiny iota of talent, so clearly, it’s not yours.  My bad.”

Aria says that it’s Jenna’s and Ezra asks if she’s patched things up with Jenna.  She hasn’t, and Ezra changes the subject back to Mike and why she didn’t tell him about Mike’s stealing problem, since she can tell him anything?  She says she’ll stop by later, and Ezra asks if he should be worried about her and Jason, to which Aria replies that he shouldn’t.  Oh, poor Fitz.  I hate that I’m on your side now.

Em is putting away some books in her locker, when all of a sudden, her dad shows up out of the blue!  Ohmigod!  Emily’s dad is “A!”  You heard it hear first, people.  Apparently, Em’s dad was in Delaware for a conference and they cancelled all the flights back, so he thought he’d stop by since he was so close.  So, Em’s dad didn’t tell her that he was going to be in Delaware, which is apparently close to Rosewood?  What the hell kind of father is he?  Emily totally could have driven up there for a day.  Why didn’t she know about this?  These PLL parents are questionable at best.  Anyway, her dad’s all excited about the Danby scout and the Most Important Swim Meet EVER, but after he leaves, Emily begins to feel a sharp pain in her stomach!  Oh no!

This is the most intricately plotted episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” that I have ever seen.

Em collapses on the floor as literally no one comes to her aid.

To be fair, it was chili and cinnamon roll day in the cafeteria, so the children had more important things on their minds.

Luckily, Garrett’s there to help out and call an ambulance to the school.  Oh, no, poor Emily!

We cut to the hospital, where Emily’s like, “How can I have an ulcer?!”  Here’s my reaction (for reals):  “What the hell kind of poison could “A” have put in that cream to cause a mother f**king ulcer?!  Can poison do that?  What the f**k?!”  Her dad says that ulcers are caused by stress (which I know, obviously).  He says that she’s had a lot of stress and Em’s all, “When can I swim again?!”  Easy, killer.  Her dad says that Danby won’t withdraw the scholarship just because of a setback.  Um, yeah, even if the scholarship wasn’t a total lie, I kind of think they would.

Hanna and Spencer show up to lend Em some support.  In the elevator, Spencer asks Hanna about Caleb, so Hanna spills about the undercover cop.  She doesn’t want to tell Caleb because he might run away and she doesn’t want to lose him again.  Ever the voice of reason, Spencer says that if the cops are after him, Hanna might lose Caleb anyway.

In a rare scene of parent-on-parent action, Hanna’s dad comes home to see Ashley, who breaks the news about Emily’s hospitalization.  Tom (Hanna’s dad — I was too lazy to google his name, so I’m glad Ashley said it out loud) wants to be all supportive with food and perhaps an afternoon handy-j later on, but Ashley’s all, Yeaaahh, you’re gonna have to leave and go back to your fiancee, because I don’t know what’s going on, and you shouldn’t have stayed over because it’s not fair to Hanna or me or yourself.  “I need to be a man who’s sure of what he wants,” she continues.  “That was never you.”  Ouch.  Ouchies.  Tom takes his house key off his key ring and places in on the table.

In Emily’s hospital room, Spencer’s being supportive, because that’s what Spencer does, and Hanna’s being grossed out and blunt, because that’s what Hanna does.

“If I catch ulcer from you, we are so over.”

Emily tells them that she can’t keep lying to her parents and Aria finally shows up.  With coffee.  Nice, Aria.  That’s like waving a bottle of Boone’s Farm in the face of an alcoholic.  Spencer says that she’ll go trade it in for an herbal tea.  The girls tell Emily that she doesn’t have to make up her mind just yet about telling her parents about Danby, but Emily says her mind is set.  She’s going to tell her dad the truth.

Spencer goes down to the main floor and checks a wall directory for the pathology center, and of course Wren shows up at that moment.  He tells her that Emily’s on the third floor, thinking that’s why she’s showed up at the hospital.  She goes along with this and she and Wren get into the elevator.  Spencer desperately wants to get off at the pathologist’s floor, but stays inside because Wren is there.

Jenna and Garrett are in Garrett’s car, discussing Spencer and what she knows.  Jenna thinks Spencer is playing Garrett, but he doesn’t think so.  He does think that she is definitely thinking that Jason could have killed Alison.  Jenna says that they “need to take care of this.”  Oh, dip!

Wren checks in on Emily and tells her that she’s on the mend, but there is some bad news.

“Ashton Kutcher is going to be on television every week.  Every.  Damn.  Week.”

He tells her that he understands that there is so much pressure for high school athletes, but that’s no excuse for using . . . human growth hormone!  Say WHAAAAATTTT?!  He says that she tested positive for it.  Twice!  Emily is appropriately confused, since she’s never done anything like that at all.  Wren says that since Em is a minor, he’ll have to tell her dad.  She tells him that she will take the test again, but begs him not to tell her parents.  Wren says he’ll talk to her doctor and see what he can do.

Caleb is once again doing business in broad daylight, when Hanna pulls up in her car, wearing sunglasses and a scarf, all, “Get in!”  Caleb does and she speeds away.

Over at the hospital, Aria gets off at the basement, where Spencer (dressed in a candy striper uniform) grabs her and pulls her into the laundry room.

Since there’s so much action going on, let’s slow things down and see what Mike’s up to!  He’s in his room.  Doing homework.  I can’t stand the intensity, PLL!  Ella comes in to talk to him about what happened at school with Lettermen.  Mike says he’s not friends with him any more.  Ella asks him what all the stealing is about and what’s going on, and says that they have to talk about it.  Mike’s like, Oh are we on your schedule now, and “should I hurry up and talk fast before you move out again?!”  Guh, enough with the Mike stuff.  It’s just far too intricate and complex of a storyline for me to keep up with.  Although, to be fair, it’s totally the opposite of what I just typed.

Hanna’s taken Caleb to Spencer’s family’s lake cabin or something.  She says that no one knows they’re there, they’re just “borrowing it” for a while.  After the fire’s lit, Hanna tells Caleb that there’s a guy following her, and she thinks he’s a cop.  Caleb hasn’t noticed him, and Hanna asks if he’d been followed before and if it has to do what happened in Allentown.  She wonders why the guy hasn’t confronted Caleb yet, and also wonders what the guy thinks Caleb did.  Maybe he’s a grad student doing research on his thesis about dirty hippie hair, did you ever think about that, Hanna?  No.  You did not.  Caleb says he doesn’t want to hide and he’ll deal with all of it, without leaving town this time.  Hanna says that’s an empty promise, but Caleb tells her he isn’t going anywhere.

“Not a hair salon, not a barber shop, not even a SuperCuts.”

They kiss and junk as Ryan Adams wannabe music plays.

It’s night, and the orderly is about to take Em’s dinner away, but she tells him to leave it.  And of course, when she opens it, she sees a message from “A” — “Hey Em:  Some cream with your coffee?”  And there on her mashed potatoes and peas, is a tube of Em’s pain cream.  Later, Spencer and Aria are there in their candy striper outfits.  Emily’s freaking out about everything and says that she’ll just go to Texas and leave it all behind.  Um, yeah, that’s pretty much what I’d do.  Spencer says that “A” tried to take Hanna down and it didn’t work, but Em says that “A” is totally taking them all down and Aria’s probably next.  Aria:  “Can we all go to Texas?”  Hee!  Aria FTW this episode!  Who would have thought?  I wouldn’t have.  You may just yet win me over, Aria Montgomery.  Probably not, though.  Probably . . . not.  Spencer says they’re not giving up on finding Alison’s killer, and it’s probably “A” so they’re gonna see that bitch rot in jail or hell or something rotten-y.

Emily’s dad is back, so Aria and Spencer leave to do their candy-striping.  Em’s dad tells her that the scholarship isn’t worth driving her to ulcers or even worse, so she should swim because she loves to, or don’t swim, whatever.

“Love vajayjay or don’t love vajayjay, whatever!”

He says they’ll find a way to pay for college and there are tons of colleges who would love to have her, whether it’s for swimming or not.  Awwwwww!  Touching parent moment!

Meanwhile, Aria and Spencer are at the morgue/pathologist’s office, re-enacting their favorite Stanley Kubrick movies.

“Come and play with us, Ezra.  Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever . . . “

Aria sees the bodies (covered by sheets) and sort of freaks out, while Spencer searches the file cabinet for Alison’s file, which she finally finds . . .

At Hanna’s house, Ashley is ridding the fridge of everything of Tom’s.

“Suck on that, you stupid cheating bastard Heinz 57!  Go live with your whore, Hidden Valley Ranch!  What about my needs, Shasta ginger ale, huh?!  WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS!?!?”

Ashley tells Hanna that Tom went back home because it was time for him to leave.  She tells Hanna that he’s in love with his fiancee, but Hanna argues that Tom is still in love with Ashley — she saw them drinking wine on the patio and making martinis and then coming home drunk last night, so clearly they’re meant to be together!  Binge drinking is bringing their family together, can’t Ashley see that?!  Ashley says that it was a mistake and her week of “magical thinking” is over.  What is that phrase supposed to mean?  Seriously.  Tell me what it means.  She tells Hanna that she and Tom were “indulging in a fantasy,” but it was just a fantasy, and he needs to be with someone else.  Hanna gets pissed off and leaves.  I wish Ashley was stealing from old ladies and sleeping around like she did last year.  I miss Slutty Embezzler Ashley.

Back at the morgue, Spencer and Aria find out that Alison was facing away from the assailant — ambushed or trying to escape.

According to the report, Alison was hit so hard that her skull was dented, and the weapon was most likely “a curved blunt edge.”  Like a hockey stick!  Also, there was dirt in Alison’s lungs, meaning that she was buried alive.  Yeowza!

“She was also a huge bitch.”  “You can tell that from the x-ray?!”  “No, I’m just saying.”

Hanna confronts the guy in his car, telling him to stop stalking Caleb because he knows why the guy is there, and he’s not going to run away, because Caleb’s finally gotten his life together and no middle-aged man in a car is going to bring him down today!  Hanna tells him to get lost.

Back in Em’s room, Spencer and Aria show Emily the x-ray, but Aria gets a text from Ezra Fitz, who’s down in the lobby, waiting for Aria to come down so she can act distracted while he acts completely needy.  Spencer tells Emily that Jason is looking more and more like the killer.

In the lobby, Ezra asks if he can do anything for Aria, and then tells her that she can stop by his place if she wants some company.  Aria gets a call from Jason, but ignores it and tells Ezra it was her dad.  She says she has to get home, and Ezra kisses her before leaving.

The dude in the car (the one tailing Caleb) is on the phone with someone, saying, “I’m sorry, it doesn’t look like he wants to see you.”  Oooooh!  Who could it be?  A parent?  A sibling?  A barber?  Most likely the last one.

Hanna and Caleb are sitting on a curb outside.

And then, I see something so awesome and shocking that I almost choke on my cupcake.

CUPCAKES AHOY!!!!!

Yes, Caleb and Hanna are across the street from the cupcake shop, staring longingly at a family shoving moist, frosted, delicious cupcakes into their drooling mouths.  Caleb tells Hanna to call her dad, but she says it won’t matter, because they’ll never be the kind of family that enjoys cupcakes together.  Sad.

Back at Emily’s hospital room, Spencer wonders where page 5 of the file went . . . Curiouser and curiouser . . .

End Credits “A” Sequence:  The night janitor is taking out the trash in the morgue and — did that body’s foot move under the sheet?  No, it couldn’t possibly have — AAAAAAAA!!!

“I’d like to thank Alloy Entertainment, bitches.”