Pretty Little Liars: Parental Contrivance Suggested

Previously:  Jenna was creepy and suspicious and blind all over Fitzy and Ian.  The girls found a bloody trophy and for some reason were reprimanded for handing it in to the police.  They were to be taken into the station for questioning…

… Which is where this episode picks up.  The girls take turns telling the cops all about the video of Alison and Ian that they failed to turn in to the police, as well as the illicit trip to Hilton Head.

The jerky cop can’t comprehend why such a model citizen as Ian would risk his golden boy status for Alison.  Spencer tries to suggest he may have had a thing for younger girls, but can’t admit that she herself kissed Ian since her mother has reemerged from the depths of society balls and vacations and god knows what else.  In fact, all of the other girls also lie to cover up that kiss.

The cop escorts Spencer and her mother out to the other girls and an assorted collection of whichever of their parents were available for this trip to the police station.  It appears that neither of Emily’s parents could make it (we know why her father couldn’t), which is weird because I don’t think they could legally question her without a parent and what exactly does her mother do all day besides wallow in her own discomfort of the gay community?

Is it just me, or does Emily perpetually look like she has the deadest puppy in all the land?

But I digress.  Mrs. Hastings says of course they’re available for questioning, because the girls have “nothing to hide.”  Seems that is one absentee mother who does not know the title of the show.  Oh, and my rant was for naught, because Ella has a throwaway line about Pam being in the other room.  Well, now I feel silly.  Anyway, Ashley is pissed like me because these cops are being real assholes for no apparent reason.  The parents collectively worry about these daughters they see once every three episodes.

Meanwhile, Emily displays some knowledge of Bible quotes while the girls discuss lying about Spencer’s kiss with Ian.  A young cop named Garrett heads over to chat up the girls.  It seems they know him from living in the neighborhood.  Jerky Cop calls Garrett over to enlist his help in uncovering the girls’ secrets.

It’s amazing that Spencer is able to be the model student, steal men from her sister, and solve A’s murder, all while still finding the time to be a Civil War general.  That girls has major skills.

Spencer does her weekly walk downstairs and is understandably confused to find her parents in the living room.  They say they’ve spoken to Melissa and Ian, and have all come to the conclusion that Spencer is emotionally disturbed and needs to see a shrink.  Spencer tells them there’s nothing wrong with her and she’s genuinely scared of Ian.  Speak of the devil!  Ian and Melissa (and the devil spawn) walk in professing their concern for Spencer.  I kind of believe Melissa even though she can be a bit sketchy but I think Ian is a total lying creep.  Spencer keeps accusing Ian, further convincing them that she is crazy.  Ian and Melissa leave and the Hastings continue to look concerned.

“Who… are you?  You look like this man who tried to get me to throw a tennis match once…”

Emily runs into Paige in the locker room before swim practice, and we learn that Paige has been avoiding Emily since their kiss… despite the fact that we saw Paige calling Emily a few episodes ago.  Paige awkwards all over the place and shoots Emily down when she tries to bring up the kiss.  Emily says to consider it forgotten.

Spencer takes Toby to a motel so he can avoid Jenna until THEIR parents return from… wherever all of the other parents are all the damn time, I suppose.  Also, I thought they were stepsiblings?  Either way, hell hath no fury like a Jenna scorned.  Spencer feels responsibly but Toby forgives her on account of their budding relationship.  Toby offers to help her if Jenna is trying to frame her.  He walks away and Spencer hears Jenna’s creepy-ass flute music coming from one of the rooms.  The music stops when she knocks on the door and she sees the suspicious bag Ian handed Jenna that time.  Then she sees the room number: 214!  What does it MEAN?!

Ashley goes upstairs to take a shower and Hanna immediately summons her secret houseguest up from the basement.  She prepares a lovely cereal breakfast for them while he starts kissing her neck.  Unsurprisingly, Ashley chooses this moment to come back downstairs and announce that she keeps falling into the toilet on account of someone leaving the seat up.  She asks if Caleb was “upstairs, in the no-boy zone.”  Well, now Hanna doesn’t even have to lie to you Ashley!  Ashley continues to be suspicious and Hanna continues to defend her boy-toy.  For some reason, after Ashley leaves and Caleb comes back in, Hanna give him his cereal “to go” in one of their bowls.  So you’re already on the verge of getting caught and now you’re just giving him your dishes to eat from while he wanders the streets?  Think sometimes, Hanna.  Don’t worry, it’s not going to give you wrinkles or anything.

Angstia walks into Fitzy’s classroom, all smiles until she sees Jenna and promptly gets a threatening text message from A.  Angstia offers to come back later, but Jenna says she’s leaving and cryptically whispers, “He’s all yours” to Angstia on the way out.  Fitzy tells her that Jenna wrote a short story about a girl who was blinded in an accident and now can see better than people with sight.  Apparently the story also says the accident was her brother’s fault, which causes Fitzy to ask questions about Toby and make Angstia feel guilty.

Considering Jenna is the only person on the planet who seems suspicious of Angstia and Fitzy, I’d say that story isn’t total fiction.

Emily opens her locker to find a note from Paige asking her to meet, but quickly hides it when Hanna and Spencer come sauntering over.  Spencer reveals that her parents think she is “unstable” and tells the other girls about Jenna’s room #214 at the motel.  Spencer then sees Garrett the cop across the hallway and chases him down to urge him to follow up on Ian.  Garrett tells her the evidence is nonexistent but he is waiting for the manager at Hilton Head to call him back.  He asks why Ian would want Ali dead and Spencer says it was because Ali was going to tell Melissa about their affair.

Angstia stares at herself in the mirror for a bit before washing her hands in the bathroom.  Jenna appears next to her to talk about what a caring and attentive teacher Fitzy has been.  She brings up “1984″ because “big brother’s always watching you,” causing Angstia to claim that Fitzy “isn’t seduced by controlling characters.”  Jenna claims that Angstia knows him better, which is the understatement of the episode.

Over in Toby’s Motel Room of Plot Contrivance and Sexual Tension, Spencer trots out a bunch of board games and gets all strung out over an app on her phone that lets her hear through walls.  That’s probably just her overdoes of caffeine talking, and Toby grabs her Thermos before she can have any more.  They hear someone next door and bribe the maid with a measly $20 to let them in.  Also, Monopoly must have been one of the board games Spencer brought because that is the fakest prop money I’ve ever seen.  They find Jenna’s glasses and the suspicious bag, but it’s empty.

Hanna and Caleb arrive back at the Marins’ and smooch their way from the front door all the way into the kitchen… where Ashley is waiting for them!  She found Caleb’s stuff in the basement, parents on this show are occasionally parents!  Now that she’s finally figured out Caleb was staying with them, she kicks him out.  Hanna continues to plead his case, claiming he’ll end up sleeping on a bench at the bus station if he doesn’t stay with them, but her mother stands firm.

“That’s… uhh… mine, I swear!  Flannel and boys’ jeans are just about to be in style!”

Emily’s GPS confirms that this seedy bar on the outskirts of town is indeed where Paige has requested they meet.  Inside, Paige tries to explain herself while Emily keeps butting in to finish all of her sentences.  Paige says that seeing Emily with Maya was what caused her to realize she was gay, and Emily is the first girl Paige kissed.  Emily reveals that while Maya was her first girlfriend, she was in love with  Alison, even though Alison wasn’t in love with her.  They conclude that Emily likes “ballsy women.”

Fitzy comes home to a fancy dinner prepared by Angstia, and they continue to act like an old married couple.  It continues to weird me out despite the fact that I know we’re supposed to be rooting for them.  Fitzy brings up Jenna and her story again, but Angstia claims she and Jenna were never close.  Angstia changes the subject and jumps up to get dinner, while I take a gander at Fitzy’s dreamy eyes.  I still wish they could have just made him a slightly older college student or something so I could enjoy this couple more.

Hanna sets up a tent for her and Caleb, explains owls to him, and expresses various other extensive knowledge of camping and the woods.  Apparently she offered to pay for a hotel but that was too much charity for him to accept.

That’s not the only penetration that’ll be happening in those woods tonight!

He asks about her jungle tendencies, so she reveals her five summers at fat camp and Hefty Hanna nickname.  He says she didn’t have to tell him that, even though he JUST ASKED.  Awww, she wants him to know her.  Caleb takes this opportunity to reveal that he never knew his father, and his mother abandoned him at his aunts house when he was five.  His only contact since then was a birthday card when he turned ten, but instead of being pissed he was just so happy to have it.  It was postmarked from Arizona, which is probably why he wanted to go there a few episodes ago before he fell for Hanna and got all distracted.  Caleb’s Tragic Backstory is finally revealed!  They get all smoochy after all of these revelations.

Over in the seedy part of town, Paige begins her slow seduction of Emily with some karaoke.

Props to Paige for choosing a Pink song.  Much subtler than Melissa Etheridge or Sarah Mclachlan.

Back in Toby’s Motel Room of Plot Contrivance and Sexual Tension, he outsmarts Spencer’s “glyceraldehide” in Scrabble with “goofball.”  HA!  I am liking Toby more and more.  Much better with Spencer than with Emily.  She’s bitter about losing, and he makes her nice and uncomfortable when he offers her his pajama shirt so she can get more comfortable.  OMG Spencer, he’s pulling the same move as the freaking Situation!  RUUUUN!   Then he doesn’t quite close the door as he gets changed, allowing Spencer to ogle his bare torso, including some nice abs.  Holy shit, he really IS Sitch!  If he starts fist-pumping I’m going to have to double check what show I’m watching.

Sexy montage time!  Paige walks Emily to the car and Emily plants a nice sweet kiss on her.  Spencer climbs into bed next to a sleeping Toby after getting one more good look at his shirtless self.  Hanna and Caleb are both partially undressed and looking equally nervous in their tent.  Is he a virgin too?  He asks if she’s sure.  She is.  She asks if he has… (are we not allowed to say condom on the family channel?)  He does.  Shadowy silhouettes make out.

Emily and Angstia are hanging out when they both get texts/calls from their respective love interests.  Emily says she’s still trying to decide if Paige is interesting (although she doesn’t tell Angstia that it is Paige).  Angstia admits that she’s avoiding Fitzy on account of his excessive interest in the whole Jenna situation.  Emily asks if Angstia wants to tell him the truth in spite of their promise, and Angstia says she feels like she needs to.  Emily says she trusts him if Angstia does.

Morning in TMRoPCaST.  Spencer HILARIOUSLY wakes up spooning Toby and is totally freaked out.  It is literally JUST LIKE that time Ryan woke up spooning Marissa in that dirty-ass motel on the way to TJ!  You know, right before she OD’ed.  Spencer’s kind of like Marissa Cooper in that she is the privileged rich kid, but Toby is also like Marissa Cooper in that they are both played by terrible actors.  Anyway, Spencer slowly slides away from him and silently panics for a second.  He wakes up and she acts like nothing happened.  They hear a noise, followed by flute music, next door in The Jenna Room and head over to investigate.  They find a recording of her flute music playing, and the suspicious bag is on the bed.

His acting may be wooden, but at least he’s got abs of steel.

Spencer stops the music and Toby reads the note in the bag:

That’s not entirely true.  Something tells me these two are pretty hot and bothered right now.

Spencer claims not to know who A is.  Well, to be fair, she doesn’t technically know who A is.

Paige and Emily are holding hands and enjoying their picnic until Paige reveals that she’s still not willing to let anyone know about the two of them.  Emily claims she understands but is a bit hurt.  Paige says she has to keep hiding, but Emily says she can’t or she’ll go back to being ashamed of the way she is.  Emily says she’ll always be there as a friend.  It’s a very nice scene.  I like the way things between these two are being handled.

Damn, that is one elaborate picnic for a couple of teenagers in hiding.  I especially like the plate holders in the top of the picnic basket.

Angstia shows up at Fitzy’s looking like she saw a ghost (and in this town, she probably did).  He’s been calling, and is worried.  She says she’s been walking around his block for two hours trying to convince herself not to tell him what she’s about to tell him for fear that he’ll never look at her the same again.

Hanna finally gets home to a very angry/worried Ashley.  It’s hard to mock her too much because despite taking several weeks to discover someone living in her basement, she is still by far the most present parent on this show.  Anyway, Hanna gives her a guilt trip about not being understanding toward Caleb despite getting out of a similar situation herself.  Hanna heads upstairs to shower and her phone starts ringing.  Ashley sees that it’s Caleb calling and answers.

Toby and Spencer say goodbye in the motel parking lot, and he offers up his room for one more night if things are still bad at home.  She might just take him up on that.  I don’t entirely blame her- people telling you to see a shrink because your brother in law is creepy, or waking up spooning some abs of steel?  Anyway, he tells her the night wasn’t a total bust because he enjoyed kicking her ass at Scrabble, then gives her a nice long goodbye kiss.  She claims she wasn’t expecting that, and he says he wasn’t either.  I’m pretty sure the viewers were, though.  He heads back to his room and she calls out that it wasn’t a total ass-kicking because she’s awesome like that.

Not bad, but it does not beat Ryan/Marissa’s first kiss on the ferris wheel.

Caleb arrives at the Marins’ and it turns out he was invited this time!  Ashley has not only invited him for dinner, she offers up the guest room!  She says it’s only for a short time, and if he hurts Hanna he will regret it.  Caleb believes her.

Angstia and Fitzy cuddle on the couch, after she has presumably told him about the night Ali blinded Jenna.  He tells her he loves her and nothing she said has changed that.

“Thank you for looking at me so lovingly, just like you do in class, and at play practice, and at pep rallies, and in the hallway, and in front of the principal….”

Hanna kisses Caleb goodnight and heads upstairs, while Caleb thanks Ashley for letting him stay.  He heads out back and calls someone to say that he “can’t do this anymore.  It’s over.  I’m out.”  Of COURSE he was up to something nefarious.  He had to be, right?  Hopefully the Marin women have warmed over his heart enough to prevent him from dicking them over in whatever way he was going to dick them over that he hasn’t already.

Spencer comes home to find Melissa in the kitchen, who reveals that Ian was at Hilton Head with her, not Ali.  Apparently he lied because they went there to get an abortion, but Melissa lost the baby before they made it to the doctor.  That’s why the NEW devil spawn they have created is so IMPORTANT, don’t you see?!  Ma and Pa Hastings come in all disappointed in Spencer because they discovered that she lied about “seeing” Ian.  Damn, one kiss counts as “seeing.”  Apparently I have some skewed opinions of such things.  Even Garrett the cop gives Spencer a disapproving look.

The girls get an “S.O.S.” text from Spencer and immediately gather under some shadowy trees outside her house in the middle of the night.  Once they are gathered, they promptly received a text from A:  ”Breaking News Bitches:  Spencer Hastings now a person of interest in my death.”  The girls all give their best scared/concerned faces.

Haven’t these girls learned ANYTHING about lurking around in the middle of the night?

As per usual, we then end the episode by cutting to a mysterious gloved figured.  This time it’s rewinding and watching that last scene with the girls while literally eating popcorn.  Weird.

Next episode:  The girls are suspects!  Hanna discovers that Caleb was working with Jenna and slaps the glasses right off of her blind face!

I thought this was a decent episode overall.  It seems they’ve had to slow things down a lot to drag out the mystery, so practically every week we get a dead end like Spencer and Toby finding nothing in room 214 at the hotel.  However, making Spencer a suspect ups the stakes significantly, and I like that.  I also enjoy her scenes with Toby when I pretend he’s played by a better actor.  I very much enjoyed Emily and Paige this episode, and the Ashley/Caleb/Hanna story was decent.  Angstia and Fitzy, as always, would be better if I wasn’t so icked out by them.  And I continue to be mystified by the constant disappearances and reappearances of the parents/adults on this show.  It seems like something that should be a drinking game- drink every time a parent says something he/she couldn’t possibly know about his/her child on account of not having seen said child for three months.  But enough of my ramblings- what did you guys think about everything?  How do you feel about the mystery?  Were any of you Lost fans?  I was, so slow reveals (or no reveals) are something I have a high tolerance for.  Do you have a favorite couple?  How do you feel about Spencer being framed?  Talk to me!