Previously: I think Toby was suspicious of Emily. It’s hard to tell from those monotonous line readings. He also got closer with Spencer and pulled away from Jenna- the script was pretty clear about that. Byron was suspicious of Fitzy for all of the wrong reasons. Hanna let sketchy new kid Caleb sneak into her basement. There was Braille and a lesbian kiss (the two were not related). Ian knocked up Melissa with his demon seed, and Byron interrupted one of his daughter’s statutory makeout sessions with Fitzy. Damn, a lot happens on this show.
These pencil drawings of masks are more expressive than Toby.
Spencer and Hanna are preparing to audition for the school play, which is called The Bad Seed. Apparently it’s real, but I’ve never heard of it, so all I know is that it’s about a girl who terrorized her whole town. Although I suppose extensive knowledge isn’t necessary here to make the connection. Anyway, since Hanna’s dumb when required by the plot, Spencer’s able to exposit some info. This then clunkily transfers to Angstia asking Hanna if Ashley (Hanna’s mother) has figured out that she has a sketchy houseguest. Hanna says she’s going to ask her mother if Caleb can stay in the guest room before A has a chance to tattle on her.
Mona stops by briefly to brag about her allegedly amazing audition. In case anyone has forgotten, Mona’s ego is bigger than Ian’s web of lies. The girls then start telling Angstia to try out since Fitzy is the director and they want to spend time with their friend’s boyfriend. This just keeps getting creepier… do they seriously think if they treat this like a normal relationship everything will be peachy? Sometimes these girls seem so smart, but sometimes they just seem so, so dumb.
Jenna and her Big Blind Sunglasses show up to ask Fitzy if she can compose some flute music for the play. Apparently she finds The Bad Seed “inspiring” and evil “fascinating” which I suppose should come as no surprise.
Are blind people usually this stylish? How is she able to make her hair that perfect? How does she know if she has lipstick on her teeth?
As we do every week, we see Spencer walk suspiciously down the stairs in her own house in the middle of the night. This time, there’s a baby making noises and it turns out she’s have a dream (nightmare?) about the demon spawn to which her sister will soon give birth.
We also get our weekly Spencer/Peter Pan reference. This week, Spencer chases her elusive, playful shadow!
Spencer wakes up nice and freaked out. And just in case she wanted to calm down or something, she find Ian in the living room taping up boxes to freak her out all over again. He chitchats about making room for the baby, because he is one of the male actors on this show capable of not acting creepily suspicious, which makes him the most creepy and suspicious. He denies having anything to do with Alison’s death, claiming she was a psycho stalker.
Over at Hanna’s house, she slices oranges while her mother ponders her rapidly disappearing groceries. Hanna mentions that she’s been feeding Caleb dinner, so her mom once again voices her disapproval of him. For some reason, Hanna still asks if he can stay in the guest room, but her mother refuses to share her house with “the cat in the hat.” Oh, if only she knew.
Although, how does she NOT know? Isn’t the phrase “banker’s hours” used to describe someone who works short days? What does she DO all day?
After Mother Buzzkill leaves, Hanna let’s Caleb out of his basement cage. He says he’ll leave some groceries as his parting gift, but Hanna says she’ll get her mother to come around. Caleb leaves and Hanna gives a massive smile to his back as he goes.
Angstia surprises Fitzy at his apartment, because he has no friends/family/acquaintances/neighbors to speak of so no worries about getting caught. Fitzy offers to dodge Byron’s beer offer, but Angstia wants them to get to know each other because that will make Byron okay with this? Good God, this love is blinder than Jenna. Angstia begs him to make her the stage manager so they can spend more time together, and he agrees. This cannot possibly end badly, right? Clearly neither of them has ever seen a movie or television show in their entire lives.
Hanna has to grab her mascara from the bathroom while Caleb is showering. When her mother comes back home looking for her phone, she also must enter that bathroom, forcing Hanna to hop into the shower with Caleb so she can pretend it’s just her in there. He is of course delighted by this turn of events, and after Mother Buzzkill leaves, Caleb turns around and Hanna approvingly checks out either his ass or possibly a tramp stamp.
“Oh, don’t mind me, I just left my Plot Contrivance around here somewhere….”
Spencer and Emily discuss the play, and Emily decides this plot needs all four of them in one place, so maybe she’ll do props or something. She says this while she ignores a call from Paige, which arouses Spencer’s suspicions. Emily quickly explains it away by saying they’re cool now, and Paige is just worried about her cousin in the military. That’s actually some pretty quick thinking on Emily’s part. This segues into Spencer saying she has to drop of Toby’s French book after school and Emily asking if she can go instead so she can talk to Toby. I thought he was a free man now? Why isn’t he at school, and why do they still have to bring things to his house. The girls then see Ian and Jenna talking, which they find odd even before he hands her a suspicious green bag.
Just when you thought the weirdest combination of the episode would be Ian and a tape gun, or perhaps Emily and quick thinking, along comes this.
At play practice, Mona notices Hanna checking Caleb out and, upon hearing of their shower rendezvous, wants to know if Hanna is into him. Hanna won’t spill, but Mona advises her to decide because “bad boy only showers once a year.” Well, in that case, Hanna has an entire year to decide, doesn’t she? Meanwhile, Fitzy is trying to hand something out but since he’s kind of a spaz, he drops papers everywhere. Angstia, of course, comes to the rescue. While she hands out papers and he starts babbling about evil or something, Ian shows up. Fitzy keeps talking but he fades into the background while our main girls reminisce about a frat party waaaay back when they all wanted to kiss Ian before he was so creepy.
Hey Angstia: Don Draper called, and he would like his casual summertime beach hat back.
The lighting gets all Flashback Yellow as we watch Ali hand out fake ID’s to the girls so they can get into a frat party. Since when do frat parties check ID’s? All we know about this frat is that Ian was involved, so presumably they’re pretty lenient in terms of statutory Kissing Tree meetings and the like. Speak of the devil, Ian shows up so the girls can ogle him and watch as he leads some unsuspecting drunk girl upstairs. The girls theorize that he’s probably just going to help her find a place to sleep it off, and with that kind of naivety I’m suddenly very concerned for them being at that party. Ali tells them to “divide and conquer” and meet back at midnight.
Easy there, Cinderdevil? Or should I say Fairy Satanmother?
Fitzy interrupts their worryfest to ask Hanna a question, but since Hanna’s dumb, smart Spencer jumps in with the answer. Angstia adds to said answer, and in the process accidentally calls Fitzy “Ezra” in front of everyone. The girls and Fitzy make brief “OH SHIT” faces before Fitzy moves on and pretends it didn’t happen.
Emily arrives at Toby’s house to return his French textbook, since apparently now that he’s free he just sits around on his porch all day. Toby tells Emily that he now knows it was Jenna who turned him in, and they make amends as Emily invites him out for breakfast. Toby asks about Maya, and I can’t tell if he’s hinting at something or just confused because the script didn’t tell him how to feel, but Emily clarifies that she just wants to be friends.
I don’t know what’s worse: his acting or his Dorothy Hamill haircut.
Byron catches up with Fitzy in the hallway (why is Byron at the high school? Angstia should be far more private about her relationship with BOTH parents running around this school all the damn time) and unfortunately uses the phrase “My daughter thinks that you are pretty hot stuff.” Only television magic allows for such an awkward turn of phrase. OMG, spoke too soon: ”It’s very bold of you, exposing yourself to your students.” HA! Byron, if you only knew, my friend. If. You. Only. Knew. Byron then invites Fitzy for a beer. Fitzy at least has the decency to look as amused by this conversation as I am.
Hey, remember last week when Byron thought Fitzy was a total motherfucker? Wait until he finds out that precisely the opposite is true!
Hanna is running her lines for the play in her kitchen. Caleb walks in and tries to talk to her, but she’s feeling massively awkward about everything and blows him off. (No, not like that! Get your filthy minds out of the gutter!)
Over beers, Byron lets it slip to Fitzy that Angstia is looking at colleges out in California. He also suggests that Fitzy should get a job as a college professor so he can have more time to focus on his writing.
Spencer shows up at Toby’s to tell him about the bag Ian handed to Jenna at school. Toby says he doesn’t want to talk to Jenna, so Spencer tell him to just steal her phone so Caleb can hack it and find out if Ian is on her recent call lists. Ummmm… is it that difficult to look at a recent call list? I mean, presumably if something nefarious was afoot, Jenna would have deleted said call from her recent call list, in which case a hacker makes sense. Let’s just go with that then. Toby is (probably rightfully) scared of Jenna, but Spencer (probably rightfully) convinces him that it’s the only way people will stop framing them for shit.
Make all of the murder excuses you want Spence, but I’ll never forgive you from ransacking Ugly Betty’s closet.
Emily arrives at Toby’s Porch of Doom, where Jenna “guesses” her identity. Turns out Toby ditched his breakfast date with Emily to hang out with Spencer. I guess he’s just playing his odds by hanging out with the one who’s into dudes. Jenna makes a cryptic statement about being a second choice and scores Emily’s departure with a haunting flute accompaniment.
Toby has finally broken free from the nonexistent chains that bound him long enough to travel to Spencer’s house with Jenna’s phone. Wow. We are literally stealing from the blind here, folks. And you know what? That might be wrong if she wasn’t creepy as hell. Toby’s still shitting his pants in fear of Jenna finding out he touched her belongings. I guess touching her is totally cool, but touching her stuff is a big no-no. Toby gets upset about Alison’s accusations that he spied on people and peeked in their windows, and I’m pretty sure Alison herself is guilty of precisely that. He’s also still upset that people (including Spencer) believed he was a murderer, so Spencer takes his hand to comfort him.
Honestly, it might be easier if she just used her shirt to hypnotize him into feeling better. His brain can’t be that hart to tap.
Fitzy and Angstia have a moment alone before play practice. They acknowledge the awkwardness of her problematic slip-up and then move on to discussing his man date with Byron. Damn, is there a member of this family that Fitzy WON’T date? She’s all confused and scandalized at his mention of a college teaching job, even though that would MAJORLY downgrade the inappropriateness of their relationship. She’s not happy about the possibility of him leaving, but he points out that she will also presumably leave high school, at some point.
What’s that you say? The future of this relationship is uncertain? That is SHOCKING.
Hanna and Spencer give Jenna’s phone to Caleb, who is first perplexed by its complexity, and then steps in as the Morality Police to call them out for stealing a blind person’s phone. At play rehearsal, Fitzy and Angstia have a bit of a lovers’ spat all over the place. They send everyone else out for a break so they can discuss some issues. Angstia is unhappy that he is referring to “his future” instead of “their future,” which seems a bit clingy if you ask me. He tries to tell her that she has every right to look at colleges in California, but apparently she only did that so they could move there together. He tries to explain adulthood to her, but she’s having none of it. He comes across pretty reasonable for someone dating his high school student.
Spencer spends her break trying to explain the play to Hanna yet again, which prompts Emily to bring up something else that happened at that frat party. Another Yellow Flashback shows us a girl falling down the stairs to her doom, after which Emily caught a glimpse of Ian at the top of the stairs. They ponder this as Ian hilariously walks around playing with a hacky sack. I should say that while the actor playing Toby leaves something to be desired, the actor playing Ian plays the part perfectly.
Caleb pulls Hanna away from play practice to return Jenna’s phone and tell her he can’t hack it. He also revealed that he’s figured out it’s Jenna’s phone, thus proving he is at least mildly observant. Also, Jenna has the same last name as Toby? I thought they were step siblings? Anyway, Hanna continues to be awkward so Caleb asks if she’s going to get over their sudsy encounter and offers to get his tattoo removed.
AHA! I knew he had a tramp stamp! What do you think it says? Juicy? Maybe just a butterfly?
Fitzy asks his actors about the nature of evil, prompting Spencer to have another Yellow Flashback to the frat party. As the injured girl is being taken away by an ambulance, Ali reappears cool as a cucumber. The other girls are freaking out, but Ali informs them that running away will definitely get them questioned and negotiates a ride home with the cops. They continue to fret while Ali assures them that being bold will lead to fewer questions.
Well, at least until after one’s death, at which point questions will appear exponentially. But by then, it will be everyone else’s problem! Ali’s kind of brilliant.
Mona hilariously ponders how she could possibly play selfish, prompting an underhanded comment from Angstia and therefore a call for the end of rehearsal from Fitzy. Spencer is putting away her props when she comes across a trophy from Hilton Head with Ian’s name on it. She calls the other girls over, at which point they find blood on said trophy and panic, particularly since Propmaster Emily has never seen it before. They decide to turn it in to the police immediately before it disappears like the last piece of evidence they had.
I don’t know why the girls are so sure it was Ian, this is very similar to the evidence against Toby, and he was framed.
The girls leave the police station and decide to have a sleepover at Emily’s to avoid being alone. They seem to think finding this will bring them peace? They clearly haven’t seen this show. Hanna remembers that she can’t stay at Emily’s because she needs to be home to explain away any evidence of the basement dweller. Angstia requests they make a stop on the way, which is of course at Fitzy’s. She gives him a speech about not knowing what the future will hold and just enjoying what they have in the present. He responds with a kiss, so let’s just assume he agrees.
Hanna arrives home to find Caleb all packed up to leave. She’s disappointed, which surprises him after how cold she had been toward him. She finally kisses him, and I can’t help but be distracted by the fact that this looks like it should be a steamy makeout session, but her mouth is closed so it’s really just a series of chaste pecks. It’s kind of funny.
At school the next day, the girls are still blaming Ian when a cop comes over to berate them for not knowing that Hilton Head did not have a golf tournament on that date. Wow, what an asshole. Four teenagers find what they think is the weapon that tragically murdered their teenage friend, and they’re supposed to do RESEARCH before handing it in to the cops? Also, the blood on the trophy was rat blood and now they all have to go to the precinct for questioning. But first, they get a group text.
“WTF?! BLAIR and DAN?! Did NOT see that one coming.”
Oops, sorry, wrong show. What they actually get is this:
Although, quite frankly, this does seem like a threat Blair Waldorf would make. Maybe she’s A, and Spencer is Gossip Girl. I see major crossover potential here.
Angstia suddenly realizes that none of them know where Ali was when the girl was pushed down the stairs at the frat party. They ponder whether or not Ali was stalking Ian and pushed the girl because she was the competition. Angstia also wonders if Ali threw the firecracker into Jenna’s garage because Jenna was also competition for Ian’s attention. Damn, this girl was one hell of a psychopath.
We cut to shot of a rat in a cage, labeled “Aria.” We pan across to “Hanna,” “Emily,” and an empty cage labeled “Spencer.” That is pretty damn creepy I must say. It appears the blood on the trophy was Rat Spencer’s.
Next week: Lies! Truth! Incredibly vague promos!
Well, this episode was a bit more eventful on the mystery front. We’re starting to approach the end of the season so that makes sense. I thought the trophy twist was good, other than the way that ridiculous detective handled things. The Ian/Jenna connection was interesting, but I wonder if/when we’ll ever get an explanation for that. I also enjoyed this cliffhanger more than the last few. I mean, we know Spencer isn’t going to die anytime soon but maybe something will happen to her akin to Hanna getting hit by the car. Not much to report on the relationship front, Angstia and Fitzy had the same drama they always do and we all knew Hanna and Caleb would kiss eventually. I like their banter but, like Toby, I wish he was played by a better actor. Oh well, I can only ask so much from an ABCFamily show. Talk to me Gasmii! What did you guys think about everything?