Pretty Little Liars Recap: Bum-ber Party

We open on Hanna and her mom waiting to see the principal.  Kate and her mom are there too.  And then the principal calls them into his office.  And then — that’s it?  Oh, okay.  Okay then, PLL.  Let’s move on.

So, what did Spencer get with Alison’s claim ticket?  This:

AAAAA IT’S HORRIFYING!

Wow.  Not off to a good start this week.  They think that maybe Alison’s alter ego (Vivian Darkbloom) had her own wardrobe too. Aria’s all, “Can I touch it?”  And Spencer’s like, “It’s a raincoat, not a mummy.”  Meh.  This is better:

“It’s a raincoat, not an appropriately aged boy who can’t get arrested for making out with you.”

I guess that it’s before school.  Seriously?  I dragged my ass out of bed 30 minutes before the first bell rang.  I didn’t have time for this shit.  I didn’t even have time for instant oatmeal.  Aria or Spencer (or hell, even Emily) says that Kate’s mom is threatening to sue the Marins or something and then Aria finds a note in “Vivian’s” raincoat.  There’s a phone number on it and Spencer totes want to call it and find out more about “Vivian” but Emily’s got a puss-on, at least until Spencer calls her out on it.  They dial the number and Aria’s all, This is a friend of Vivian’s so tell her to call us back and junk.

Meanwhile, at the school, Kate’s mom is out for blood but Ashley is not having it.  Normally, the principal says, expulsion would be called for, since the school has a no tolerance policy on bullying.  But given the “unique situation,” he wants Hanna, Ashley, Kate, and Kate’s mom to be co-sponsors of some Truth Up Day, some workshop to “own up” and stop bad behavior.  You know, the kind of thing that ends with the asshole popular football player crying on the shoulders of the skinny band nerd.  That kind of thing.  And also, Truth Up Day is some sort of lock-in, which requires people to stay overnight.  That’s all well and good, Principal, but then shouldn’t it be called Truth Up NIGHT?  And also, this seems like a really, really stupid alternative to expulsion.  I mean, I know Hanna didn’t do it, but if I were that Principal, I’d expel her.  At least until there’s evidence to support that Hanna’s innocent.  Whatever.

Also, Kate’s had “I smell farts” face throughout this entire episode.

The principal tells them to bring a sleeping bag, a toothbrush, and a change of attitude.

“You had me until you said ‘toothbrush.’”

At school THE SAME DAY, the gals tell Hanna that it will all blow over, but Hanna’s not so sure, now that “A” can use their phones to get what he/she wants.  Ooooh, everyone in school is giving Hanna the ole stank eye.  Oh, and the principal won’t let Emily back on the swim team because he has some major sponsor and doesn’t want anyone who might “tarnish their reputation.”  Is that an anti-lesbian stance or an anti-steroids stance?  Because one of those sounds like a lawsuit.

Time for band class!  I think.  Wait, no, it’s some kind of project for Truth Up Day.  Aria helps Holden with some paper for a banner or something and talks about how she doesn’t think it’s fair that he knows her secret but she doesn’t know his.  And right on cue, someone knocks over Holden’s bag and a baggie of pills rolls out.  He’s quick to rush over and put them back in his bag.  Because this is an Aria plot, I have nothing amusing to say.  I just want it to be over so we can move on to –

Spencer!  Yay!  My 2nd favorite PLL-er.  She’s not so impressed with Noel and Jenna’s little make out sesh that they’re having a few feet away.  Oh, and then Jason comes back.  Wheeeeeeeeee.  He’s at the high school because . . . well, why shouldn’t he be there?  It’s Pretty Little Liars.  Non-faculty and staff adults can just come on in whenever they like.  Oh, I guess Jason was dropping off some paperwork about those kids he “mentored.”  Does anyone still care?  I sure the hell don’t.  He says he was in Georgia and tells Spencer to tell her dad that he needs to call him.  Ella comes up to recruit Jason for the Truth Up Day, but he doesn’t want to show up for it . . . until he learns that Spencer’s parents will be there.  Then he’s all over that shit like Oprah on a baked ham.

“Wow.  Thanks, Ella.  No, I mean that.  THANK.  YOU. . . . for being a super-bitch.”

After school (or before school the next day, or at lunch, or yesterday), Hanna’s doing her homework when her mom comes in for a nice little chat.  Ashley wants to know who would frame Hanna, especially since this isn’t the first time Hanna has said something like this.  Hanna won’t say who; she only tells her mom that she didn’t send that photo out to everyone.  God, will one of you just tell a freaking adult already?!  Geez!  Honestly — what, exactly, do they have to lose by going to the authorities?

Time for the Truth Up Day lock-in!  Turns out the rules are cell phones remain off or they get confiscated.  Oh no!  How will “A” torture our PLL gang now?

“LOOK WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?  STOP.  BITCHES.  STOP.”

Not the same.  Everyone lines up and Holden ends up behind Aria; they discuss what fell out of Holden’s bag.  Aria thinks it’s a bunch of bennies and quaaludes, but Holden says it’s nothing.  And then the principal orders Holden to another line.  Rather rudely, I might add.  Truth Up, Principal:  You’re a dick.  Kate and Hanna exchange nasty looks.

Jenna’s in the band room, playing the piano.  Any requests?

“Hey, do you know ‘She Blinded Me With Sci–’ oh, god, sorry.  Anything by Third Eye Blind?  Oh, geez, my bad.  Ooh!  Play ‘Blinded By the Light!’  Ohhhhhhhh right . . .”

Caleb is as insensitive as his hair is long and hippie-like.  Anyway, Caleb and Aria are in the same group as Jenna.  And it turns out Jason and Spencer’s mom are leading the same group (Mrs. Hastings tells Jason that Mr. Hastings is out of town).  How fun.  Ah.  And it’s the same group that Jenna, Caleb, and Aria are in.

Ashley (Hanna’s mom) is in the cafeteria, leading that “take a step forward if . . .” game.  Emily takes a bunch of steps when Ashley asks people to take a step if they feel the school is “unwelcoming” and “unsafe.”  Emily does this because “one step isn’t enough.”  Since the principal is watching, she’s all, This school used to be hella cool but you make one mistake and you’re “tarnished?”  Principal Whatever asks to speak to her in private.  The principal says that maybe she feels unsafe because of her own doing, so she should reflect on what got her to be such a bad girl.  Rude.

Back in the band room, Aria forgot to turn off her phone, and it goes off.  Hmm.  Who could be texting her?  Why, it’s “A” of course!  Here’s “A’s” moment of zen for the day:  “Truth hurts, sweetie.  May hurt your new pal more than you.”  Who does she mean?  Holden?  Caleb?  The first, hotter Jason from season 1?  Only time will tell.  I should add that at this point, Jenna’s fooling around in her purse.  But that blind ho only wants some gum for her stank-ass mouth, so she probably wasn’t texting.

Over in yet another room, Hanna and Kate’s group is playing that game where  you toss a ball to someone and whoever catches it has to reveal a truth.  Like, “I got high in the art classroom,” or “I gave Mr. Perkins a handy-j in the janitor’s closet so he’d give me a ‘B’ on the Physics mid-term.”  Ah, high school.  Ella’s in charge of this group and asks Kate what she had at her old school that she liked — nice people, she says.  She also thinks that if someone hurts someone at school, that the hurt person should decide their punishment.  Noel Kahn is still a dick.  He says that girls don’t fight fair and blah blah blah and then Hanna grabs the ball and is all, Noel Kahn is the worst P.O.S. ever and do you honestly think I would do something so mean?  Then she storms out.  Wow.  Truth Up Day is a rousing success so far.

During the break, Emily apologizes to Mona for letting Alison get away with being a super bitch to Mona back in the day.  Mona totes doesn’t care, but she is pissed that the principal (maybe he’s the vice-principal.  Whatever) won’t let Emily back on the team considering he pretty much lets the football team get away with murder (knowing this school, probably literally) and looks the other way.  Welcome to America, kids.  Who cares if a teenage boy can’t read?  If he can knock people over with his fat self, then hey — that’s all we ask for.  Mona used to work in the office, so she knows all kinds of football crap.

Back at the band room, everyone’s got an instrument and they’re playing the hits of Simon and Garfunkel.  Oh, how I wish that were true.  They’re about to do some lame truth-y thing, but Jenna wants no part of that, because she was treated like shit and the school is full of a bunch of fakies that she won’t forgive.  Spencer’s mom stupidly asks her to expand on that and Jenna brings up the time she was slapped in the girls’ bathroom.  (By Hanna, Caleb whispers to Aria.)  Caleb’s all, Uh-uh, bitch, you was the one that got all up in that shit first, so who’s telling the truth now, skank?  He says that she threw the first punch and since today’s all about truthiness, Jenna should probably mention that.

I guess Spencer doesn’t need to be in a group.  Maybe because she’s on the honor roll?  I don’t know.  She catches Jason in the hall and when he says he wishes that Mr. Hastings was here, Spencer says she knows about the will.  What was up with that?  I honestly have no memory of this.  Spencer says she doesn’t know why her dad is protecting Jason and when Jason says she’ll have to talk to her dad when he gets back into town, she’s all, “He’s not out of town . . .”  Ohhhhh dip.

I guess it’s time for yet another break, because Em and Aria head to the bathroom to discuss the message Aria left for Vivian.  No one’s heard back, so they call the number again and this time someone answers.  The girl on the other end says she doesn’t know anyone named Vivian so stop calling.  Aria thinks something’s up but Emily just thinks the girl is sick of people clogging up her voicemail with messages for Vivian.  And then Emily gets called to the vice-principal’s office.  Duhn-duhn-DUHNNNNNNN!

Holden finds Aria (they’re on yet ANOTHER break) and asks her if she wants to eat lunch/dinner with him and if they’re still on for Saturday.  Dude is trying WAY too hard.  Aria says she’s starting to feel weird about covering for him.  And yet, Aria . . . You don’t feel weird for making him lie to your parents about your illicit affair with your older ex-teacher.  I hope Holden blackmails her.

Caleb and Hanna are up on the school roof, talking about how Hanna’s mom thinks she sent the picture of Kate.  Hanna wants to run away to California with Caleb, but when he tells her that there aren’t any Lucky Leon’s in Cali, she changes her mind.

“I refuse to live in a world without Lucky Leon’s.”

Caleb says that they can’t go to California and then he asks for her cell phone so he can trace an i.p. address.  Can you do that with a cell phone?  Because I think that’s full of the bull-shizzles.  Hanna’s worried about someone seeing them, but Caleb says they’re safe.  Hanna doesn’t want Caleb to work his mojo on her phone; she just wants him to hold her while vaguely romantic breath-y folk-pop plays in the background.

Emily goes to the vice-principal’s office, where it’s oddly dark . . . Turns out Mona got into the office while the vice-principal snuck out for some beers and paged for Emily to join her.  She goes all Veronica Mars on the computer and opens up some files (expense reports, I believe) for Emily to see.

Mrs. Marin, Mrs. Montgomery, and Mrs. Hastings are outside in the dark courtyard (is there some law that this high school can’t have proper lighting after sundown?) discussing their daughters.  Ella tells Ashley that she doesn’t think Hanna sent the photo.  Ashley thinks something happened to their girls, especially after Alison went missing.  Ella says that that’s the reason they went overseas.  Mrs. Hastings says that she doesn’t think that the girls changed when Alison went missing, she thinks it was “the moment [the girls] MET Alison.”  Oh, dip!  Ella’s probably not on board with that.

“Wow, that’s pretty profound . . . for an uptight bitch.”

Meanwhile, back to Veronica Mars:  Mona and Emily are looking at expense reports.  There’s some kid who got back on the football team in April (he got caught tagging, which I’m assuming is cutting the tags off the display mattresses at Sears).  Turns out his dad sells pricey furniture — including the vice-principal’s $2,000 chair . . . but he turned in an expense receipt for $29.99.  Bribe!  I like Smart Mona.  Also, I’m a little worried that when Emily confronts the vice-principal, he’ll say that it’s a typo and should read “$2,999.”  Mona says that they now have some leverage to blackmail the vice-principal.

Jason’s getting off the horn with Mr. Hastings, when Mrs. Hastings walks in the room.  There’s a little confrontation and Mrs. Hastings asks if he’s making the right approach.  Jason says that if she wants to be in denial, then that’s cool, but he’s not going anywhere.  Spencer overhears this in the hall, which means it’s time for another Alison’s a Big Bitch Flashback.

Alison’s telling Spencer about that German dude who put up an ad for someone to have sex with and then kill and eat.  They made a movie out of that.  It stars Keri Russell.

I’m not kidding.

It’s called “Grimm Love” and I’m dying to see it because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Keri Russell.  Like, LOVE.  Anyway, Spencer’s parents are arguing loudly.  Spencer says it’s because Jason gave Melissa a ride home and they got caught making out.  Alison goes to the door to listen and then tells Spencer that Melissa better not like Jason, because it’d be a relationship “frowned upon by the gods.”  Ew.  Also, wha?

Apparently, Truth Up Day Night is also No Chairs Day Night because all the students are eating dinner on the floor.  Also, they had to bring their own dinners.  Really?  You couldn’t call Papa John’s to deliver a few pizzas for Truth Up Day Night, Rosewood High?  That’s cold.  Hanna joins Aria and Emily for some floor dinner while Kate eats across the room.  Kate takes off her shirt — slow down, perv, there’s another one under it — and Hanna notices a very distinct birthmark on Kate’s side.  One that would have shown up . . . in a photo!  Oh suh-NAP!  Hanna asks Emily if she still has the photo of Kate on her phone.  Emily tries to play cool, “Yeah, I think so, why?”  Girl, please.  You’ve saved that photo to your desktop.  You’ve photoshopped nude Kate in between yourself and Maya.  You can admit it.  It’s okay.  Hanna says that there’s no birthmark in the photo and adds that maybe it wasn’t “A” that sent out the photo after all . . .  Maybe it was . . .

“F**k yeah.  Betty Applewhite, bitches.”

God, I wish.  Hanna pulls Kate into the bathroom to confront her.  She’s all, Yeah you photoshopped your body and boobs, ho-bag, and you took out your birth mark, so what’s up?  Kate’s all, It was either that or have your friend send pics of me from camp!  (Keep in mind that Kate wasn’t at fat camp, she just had a bunch of “bug bites.”  Seriously.)  And it turns out that Aria was recording this whole conversation on her cell phone from a stall.

“So . . . cupcakes?  No?  Okay.”

Also, lights?  No one bothered to turn on the bathroom lights?  Seriously?  What is WITH this school?

In the hallway, Aria says it was the perfect plan — Kate got all the girls to pity her and hate Hanna, and all the guys wanted to boink her at the same time.  Well, not all the guys AT THE SAME TIME, I just meant that also, all the boys in school wanted to boink her.  Hanna tells Aria to tell Caleb to put the kibosh on checking out Hanna’s phone (he still thinks Jenna was behind the photo) and if he’s not in the band room, he’s on the roof.  Uh-oh.  Roof + darkness + Aria = no good.  I hope she doesn’t get pushed off the roof!  Okay, I can’t lie, there’s a part of me that hopes she does.  I mean, they DID say that someone dies this season (please be Ezra please be Ezra), so you never know.

Okay.  So.  I guess Mrs. Hastings’ group activity was to write things on the wall or paper in markers that only show up under blacklight, because Noel and Jenna are looking at things that people have written.  With their blacklight flashlights.  Well, Jenna’s not “looking,” exactly.  One of them is “I know who killed Alison Dilaurentis.”  Aria comes in looking for Caleb, but he’s not there, and Noel tells her that Caleb better not come back to the room if he knows what’s good for him.  I hope Noel dies.  I hope Ezra is driving Noel to the circus and another car hits them.  And then after Ezra exchanges insurance info with the other driver, I hope Ezra and Noel go to the circus and the lion breaks loose.  And I hope after the circus workers put the lion back in it’s cage that Noel and Ezra get violent diarrhea from circus corn dogs and die.

Truth Up Day Night is now coming to a close, but Aria’s still in a hurry to find Caleb.  She heads up to the roof (Holden sees her) and puts a few big rocks in front of the roof door to keep it open.

Spencer sees Jason alone in a room with his eyes closed and as she’s walking in, she gets a text from “A.”  It reads:  “Don’t be scared, Spence.  We’re all family here.  Some more than others.”  Caleb is in a classroom (with lights on!) working on Hanna’s phone.  Oh, and Jason’s not dead, he’s just listening to his iPod.  Spencer asks him if her dad is his dad.  Jason’s all, “Who told you?”  She says that Alison did but she didn’t know for sure until tonight.

Aria is still looking for Caleb on the roof, which looks like something out of a Dario Argento movie, so I’ll give whoever directed this props for that.  The door is now closed, obviously, and while Aria pounds on the door, screaming to be let in, a hooded figure walks by in the background.  Because this is a scary moment and Aria is A Girl In a Scary Moment, she decides to climb even higher.  Good plan.  Someone grabs her ankle on the ladder!  It’s Noel, all, “Where’s your pal, Caleb?!”  Just go die, Noel.  Then Holden kicks Noel in the shin and then poses hiLARiously in ninja mode.

“Chop low!  Rob Lowe!  Chad Lowe!”

Noel’s like, I wasn’t attacking her, douche!  Shut up, Noel.  Shut up and die.  Inside, Aria asks Holden where he learned to kick like that and asks if it has to do with part of his secret, and Holden’s all, “Come on.  Let’s get away from here.”  I’m sorry — did I stop watching Pretty Little Liars and stumble onto a Spiderman reboot?

Emily’s still in the vice-principal’s office while Mona’s outside talking to him.  She comes back in and is all “Done!”  Mona says she just said that football players tend to run their mouths more than they run . . . offensive lines . . . or something . . . and Emily’s back on the swim team.  Yay!

Spencer’s looking for her mom.  That’s it, I guess, so let’s move on.  Kate’s mom comes barging into the school.  She meets Ashley at the vice-principal’s office and is all, What did Hanna do now?  Ashley’s all, She ended this fight and you might want to take a “whiff of the rotten fruit under your own family tree.”  Me-ow!  Kind of.  That was a pretty long metaphor that kind of didn’t work, but we’ll take it.  We’ll take it.

Spencer confronts her mom, who says that Melissa doesn’t know about Jason.  And her mom didn’t know until Jason was an adult and then she and her father worked it out.  Spencer wonders how her mom came to terms with it.  Mrs. Hastings says every family has secrets and you just have to live through it or with it or something.  Spencer says she doesn’t want to talk to her dad or even look at him and her “home is a joke.”  This is a really depressing episode.  Perhaps it would help if there were some g.d. light.

Oh, shit, I forgot they still had to spend the night for Truth Up Day Night of Bring Your Own Dinner Because We’re Cheap Bastards Night.  Geez.  Spencer stares out a window while folksy “I’m lost” music plays.  Emily turns her phone on and says that there are 6 missed calls from Vivian’s number . . . and then the phone rings from that number again.  Emily answers it, saying that she’s Vivian’s friend.  The guy on the other end asks what she wants:  She wants answers, but so does the dude.  He asks to meet and she agrees.

End Credits:  Someone is watching all the sleeping kids.  He/she steals a laptop from Caleb’s bag.  Is it Caleb?  It could be Noel, too.  Or maybe even Holden.  It’s too dark to tell who the hell he/she is robbing.  I can’t even tell if it’s a laptop.  Oh, well.  We’ll find out in 15 episodes when we’ve already forgotten what even happened in this one!

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