Pretty Little Liars Recap: Greenhouse Asses

Previously on Pretty Little Liars:  A bunch of pretty little people did some lying about stuff and there were a bunch of dolls and people dug stuff up and then found out about more stuff and stuff.

And Hanna was like, “NOM NOM NOM CUPCAAAAAAAAKES!”

Oh yeah.  I’m bringing cupcakes back, bitches.

Some little girls are jumping rope and we hear them doing some skip rope rhyme about the Pretty Little Liars.  What happened to Cinderella dressed in yella?  Went upstairs to kiss a fella?  Whatevs, Rosewood elementary school children.  All right, so there’s a title that says “1 month later,” so we’ll see how well the writers stick to that continuity.  Won’t we?  We will.  Emily’s picking up trash on the side of the road.  So are all the other girls.  Some other hardcore girls — we can tell they’re trouble because they’re wearing dark eye shadow and have bangs in front of their faces, so suck on THAT society! — are like, Must be nice to have a hotshot lawyer as your mom so you can get  a couple weeks of community service for evidence tampering.  They also say something about cops sucking.  Edgy!  The PLL gang is all argue-y about about making a deal with “A.”  Em totes wants to because she thinks that Spencer’s mom would throw them all under the bus to save Spencer.  Yeah, she’s probably right about that.  And then Spencer throws her trash on Emily and then the two of them have a throwdown while the bad girls look on, not really thrilled with Spencer or Em’s fighting skills.

Amber Portwood is not impressed.

A couple cops show up and pull the two gals apart, as Garrett looks on from a car.  Credits!

The next day, Hanna’s mom tells Hanna to be nice to Emily because now, apparently, the two of them don’t get along.  Also, Hanna’s mother tells us that if Emily had been taken back to Texas, then the plea bargain wouldn’t have worked out.  What is she, the narrator?  Sheesh.  Oh, remember when Hanna had to stop her dad’s wedding?  Because of “A”?  Well, it didn’t stop her dad from getting married, because Ashley “The Narrator” Marin is all, They got married in Baltimore anyway.  Ah.  I totally forgot that Emily lived with the Marins, you guys.  It’s all making more sense now.  Except the dolls.  That was lame.  Hanna leaves immediately as Emily pours herself a big mug of coffee.  We have coffee, people!  This second-part of the second season has officially begun!  And I am now on Cupcake Watch.  Em tells Ash that she has to do an extra two weeks of comm-serve because of the fight with Spencer.  Em then tells Ashley that the PLL gang doesn’t get along and probably won’t be having any slumber parties any time soon.  Well, good.  Because at the last one, some girl went missing and ended up dead, so maybe it’s time to put a kibosh on the sleepovers.

Oh.  My.  God.

“Lucky Leon’s Cupcakes — Letting Insecure Teenage Girls Eat Their Feelings Since 1993!”

Sadly, no real cupcakes.  Even more sadly — Mike (Aria’s brother).  Aria asks him about his therapist, who is good, I guess, but Mike thinks everyone is looking at him like he’s a freak.  Well, when you break into people’s houses and steal fricking camping gear, people are gonna call ‘em like they see ‘em, Mike.  And then Ezra shows up, out of the blue, running into Mike and Aria on his way out of Hipsters ‘R’ Us.  Again with the vest and the tie, Ezra!  Oy.  Aria tells Ezra that she still has some book by some author and maybe he wants it back.  It’s awkward, so Aria asks Mike to go throw their coffee away, and then Aria’s all, Yeah my mom is skeeved out by you allegedly dating Spencer, so I’m not sure what to do at this point.  How about BREAK UP WITH HIM?!  Geez.  But no.  Aria is attracted to danger.  And hipster vests.

Back at the high school, Garrett’s there, in his cop uniform, talking to someone on the phone, being all disappointed that he/she’s not there.  So, it’s probably Jenna.  Spencer comes up to him all, Oh — sorry your not-so-secret girlfriend Jenna isn’t around, because you guys make an awesome couple.  Garrett said that they’d let people know about their relationship when the timing is right, and Spencer’s all sarcastic with, “Huh.  Well.  Timing is everything.”  Garrett’s all, “You keep saying things to me like they’re supposed to mean something.”

“Eat shit, douchebag.  That’s supposed to mean that I want you to eat shit.  Douchebag.”

Spencer thinks it’s oddly coincidental that the shovel that killed Alison showed up and then *poof!* Garrett and Jenna come out of the cop-dating-a-bitchy-blind-girl closet.  Garrett says that there’s no connection, and she’s all, You’re connected to Jenna, Ian, and Jason, and WTF happened to Jason, cuz he showed up at the police station and then he was gone, hmmmmmm?!  Oh, crap, are they going to have to re-cast Jason AGAIN?!

Someone call D.J. Quall’s agent!

That kid is PRIMED for a comeback.  Emily’s telling the swim team coach (re-cast!) that her ulcers are gone and she’s ready to get back in the water.  Her coach is all, Yeeeeaaah there’s still that whole evidence tampering and community service thing, so . . . yeeeaaah.  Her coach is concerned that it would send a bad message to other teams if they let her back on the team.

“Would it help if I also stopped peeing in the pool?”

Probably, Emily.  Probably.  The coach says she has to talk to the principal about letting her back on the team.

It’s time for Ella’s English class (she teaches English, right?  I don’t care.  She does now.), and Spencer’s turned in some extra credit work because she has constant homework boner.  And then she accidentally runs into Emily and knocks her books out of her hands, and apologizes, and then Emily knocks Spencer’s books out of HER hands and is about to freaking jump her like a prison ho before Ella is all, Sit down, a-holes.  Damn, Em!  Are you sure you don’t have any more steroids in your system?  Because you are roid-raging out like a lady-Hulk on mensies!  Emily gets a text from “A” that’s reads, You were always my favorite — want to make a deal?  So Em gets up to the head of the class and circles the word “YES” which just happened to conveniently be on the chalkboard.  Also, chalk?  Really?  I graduated from high school in . . . well, I’m not going to say what year.  Let’s just say that I know what an Arch Deluxe is.  Anyway.  Even back then we got rid of chalkboards and went to dry-erase boards.

Hanna and Aria are still friends, I guess.  Aria’s concerned about Ezra because she hasn’t seen him a long time.  Hanna tells her that things are going to work out.  I guess Emily is the only one who isn’t in the group any more, because when she runs into Aria and Hanna, they all just glare at each other.  Emily opens a book in her locker; there’s a note that says “10 tonight.”  Oooooh, interesting!  Maybe.

Oh yay, Lucas!  YAY!  He runs up to tell Hanna that he found more online photos of Hanna on her comm-serve mission.  He opens up his laptop and has some website up.  Hanna’s all, “What’s that?”  And Lucas hurriedly closes the browser window.  Oh no!  I, however, was quick enough to get a screengrab of it:

It’s called exploration, Lucas, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Hanna’s pic isn’t really that flattering.

Oddly, though, this isn’t a photo of Hanna on comm-serve — it’s just a photo of her leaving Lucky Leon’s with a garbage bag full of cupcakes.

Lucas says he’ll take it down by tomorrow and also says she looks pretty in the photos, which makes Hanna feel better, as hearing her name and the word “pretty” in the same sentence usually does.

Back at Hollis College (Hollis University?  I can’t remember.  They hired Ezra, though, so it’s probably Hollis County Vocational Technical Institute), Byron (Aria’s dad) meets up in Ezra’s office to shoot the English shit.  They’re talking about Henry James and combining their classes, which is really just a sign that a professor is really, really lazy.  Ezra asks Byron how things are going with Aria and her friends and that girl who went missing and turned up dead and junk.  Byron says it’s tough, but they’ll get through it.

Meanwhile, Toby’s leaning on his truck, glaring at the forest.

“I hate you, stupid tree.”

I’m willing to bet that he’s been there the entire month span since the last episode.  Spencer walks up and they make with the heys.  Spencer tells Tobes that her sister has to go in for tests because her heart rate is low.  Well, then it’s probably not a good time to tell her that you pawned her wedding ring, Spencer.  What the hell happened with that?  Anything?  Because I don’t remember.  She tells Toby that she and Emily had a throw down and they added 2 more weeks to her community service.  And Toby tells Spencer that he has a surprise for her:  A rocking chair.  Toby says he made it for Spencer (duh).  And it’s kind of nice, but I’d be all, “Can you return it for Amazon.com credit?  Because, it’s pretty and all, but I’d rather have season 5 of My Life on the D-List on DVD.”  Spencer says that she can’t take the gift because she wants Toby to stay away from her, but Toby doesn’t care that she’s a bad girl, and it isn’t about Spencer’s dad, either.  What the hell happened with that?  Anything?  Because I don’t remember.  What was up with Jason and Spencer’s dad, again?  See, ABC Family, THIS is why it’s stupid to break the season up into two halves — I can’t remember shit about what’s going on.  Spencer gets on her high horse and gives a speech about how Toby should leave her alone because she’s damaged goods and maybe Toby should focus on Jenna and skeevy Garrett.  Well, that certainly shuts Toby up.  And we ALL know how much of a talker that guy is!

Emily meets “A” in a dark, creepy, old house or the same old greenhouse they’ve met at before.  I don’t know.  There’s at least one new dark, creepy place in every episode.  It’s hard to keep up.  Oh, but what’s this?  Aria’s there!  OHMIGOD ARIA IS “A!”  And then Hanna shows up!  OHMIGOD HANNA IS “A”!”  And then Spencer shows up!  OHMIGOD SPENCER AND HANNA AND ARIA AND EMILY ARE “A!”  And with that solved, the episode ends.  Well, I expected more out of the second part of season two opener, but what are you going to do?

Ah.  Wait.  It’s not over.  My bad.  Emily holds out her phone to the other girls, who read the text.  Spencer’s all, “‘A’ took the bait.”  Ah.  So this whole fight thing has just been a set-up to trap “A?”  Me likey.

So, yes, it was all a ruse.  Of course, they really don’t have any evidence or anything, as Hanna points out, but Aria says that won’t matter, because Jenna and Garrett don’t know that.  Okay, so Emily’s going to pretend that she’s “rogue” and wants the box that Jason gave Aria, the one with the “evidence that doesn’t really exist,” adds Spencer.  And “A” will follow her.  And then something else will happen.  I’m not quite clear on the details . . .

Hanna arrives at her house with Lucas, when who should show up? — none other than dirty hippie hair-ed Caleb.  Although his hair isn’t really hippie anymore.

Let the Clay Aiken-ing begin!

Hanna and Caleb kiss, and I feel sorry for Lucas, who’s just standing there, pretending that he’s Caleb . . . and that Hanna is Ryan Gosling.  It’s okay, Lucas!  Everyone’s already supportive!

Back at Rosewood High, Garrett’s talking to the swim coach, buying a ticket for a swim meet or something (I have no idea what’s going on) and Toby tells Spencer that Garrett’s always hanging around, waiting for Jenna, and it’s kind of creepy.  Oh, I see.  Because it’s not like you hang around Spencer all day or anything.  I bet if Garrett made Jenna a handmade rocking chair, it’d be a different story, eh, Tobes?  Okay, so it IS a swim meet.  Toby says that he wants to know what’s going on with Spencer and Emily’s like, Spencer’ll have to tell you, and then Toby is all, Don’t you shut me out too.  Geez, Tobes.  I’ve met toddlers who were less emotionally needy.

Back at Hollis College, Aria’s leaving a book for Ezra, when Jackie (Jackee?  Jackii?  Jaqui?) comes in to pour a big bunch of bitch all over the situation.  Jackie’s all, We had a deal that you’d stay away from him, and Aria’s all, I’m just bringing him a book, and then Jackie steals the note that Aria was leaving for Ezra, and then Ezra comes in, and then I realize that this is the plot that I absolutely give the least shit about.

Later, Jackie’s gone and Aria tells Ezra that Jackie made Aria break up with him or she’d tell Aria’s dad all about their statutory glory.  Aria says that she stopped seeing Ezra because she didn’t want him to get hurt.  Ezra says he should have told Aria’s mom about them at the police station.  Smart, Ezra.  Let’s see:  already pissed off mom + police station + telling said mom about dating underage daughter = really bad shit.  But something I would have LOVED to see.  Whatever.  Weepy music plays and Ezra says he won’t let Jackie destroy their bad romance, so there’s something they need to do this afternoon.

“Yes.  We need to buy you more hipster vests.”

At the swim meet, people swim and crap.  Caleb goes out to find Lucas, who is cutely “intolerant” of chlorine, so he can’t watch the goings-on.  Uh-huh.  I bet if it were a boys’ swim meet, that “intolerance” of chlorine would just magically disappear, eh, Lucas?  Lucas!  It’s okay!  Your mom can join PFLAG!  Caleb thanks Lucas for keeping an eye on Hanna while he was gone living with his rich birth mom (Candy Spelling, probably).  Caleb says it was interesting, but he doesn’t know if he’ll go back because things are up in the air, so is it okay if he stays with Lucas?  Because if not — “No, you’re more than welcome to stay with me,” Lucas interrupts.  ‘Atta boy.  Lucas asks if Caleb will be around for a while, Caleb’s like, I’ll let you know, and then Lucas says that he’s not the one who needs to know.

It’s the last heat, and Spencer and Hanna are worried that Aria’s not going to show up.

“It’s the last heat, and I’m worried that Aria’s not — ARE THOSE CUPCAKES?!”

“Hanna, no, those are folding chairs.”

Aria finally shows up!  Thank god.  Emily walks out of the swim meet and then the group puts on their little rehearsed skit-let for the masses:  Emily’s all, I want the box Jason #2 gave you, Aria!  Spencer’s all, Suck it, Sappho!  Aria’s all, Yeah!  (Why was Aria such an important part of this plan, again?)  Hanna’s all, Oh no you di-int!  And then Emily’s all, We all learned to hide stuff from Alison, so I’m gonna find that box of TOTALLY INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE THAT IS TOTALLY NOT MADE UP and all y’all are gonna have to suck it!  Brava, ladies!  Brava.  Everyone sees and hears this.  Emily walks away and gets a text from “A,” who’s all, See you tonight, BFF!

Who’s ready for an awkward situation followed by perhaps a violent confrontation?!

“Uh . . . we . . . We are.  I . . . I guess.”

Ezra and his damn skinny hipster tie are at the Montgomery house to clarify something.  Ezra blurts out, “I’m in love with your daughter.”

” . . . the f**k did you just say?”

He says again, “I love Aria.”  Oh my god, Ezra just stop saying that, just stop.  Saying.  That.  Aria tells her parents that they met before school started.  Oh, okay, they’ll totally be cool with it now.  Mike comes downstairs and Ella tells him he should go upstairs.  Ezra and Aria hold hands in front of her parents (stupid) and Aria refuses to go upstairs when her dad tells her to (dumb), and there’s just not enough yelling and Ezra-punching to hold my interest.  Byron and Ella are understandably pissed and tell Ezra to leave, which he doesn’t (idiot).  Then something really hilarious happens:  Mike punches Ezra.  Or, to be fair, Mike tries to punch Ezra, ends up kind of tapping him gently on the chin, forcing Ezra back about 2 centimeters on his feet with a look on his face that’s like, “Wait . . . what?  That’s odd.”

“I can’t believe this whole plan didn’t go over very well.”

Seriously.  What’s wrong with that dude?  Don’t get me started.  Don’t EVEN get me started.  He gives Aria another look that’s all, “I’m surprised that people are yelling at me and being mean to me,” and then Aria tells him that he should go.  Wow.  If you guys want to re-watch this scene, just look up “anti-climatic” in the dictionary.

Later, Byron and Ella are alone and Ella tells him that she knew about that whole Ezra-and-Spencer rumor.  Byron’s like, That guy is finished, and Ella is being kind of infuriatingly rational about it, thinking about what Aria was thinking getting involved with a teacher.  Byron’s like, He should have known better and it was his responsibility to stop it.  THANK YOU!  Aria walks down and asks them to take some time to think about it.  “It” being her illicit, dangerous, probably illegal, highly inappropriate relationship with a teacher.  Aria tells her parents that she loves them “so much.”  Oooh, well played, Aria.  She says she also loves Ezra too.  Oooh, I spoke too soon.  They tell her to go upstairs.

At Ezra’s office, Ezra is laying on his couch and drinking when Jackie comes in and tells him not to be angry, but Ezra’s pretty pissed at her.  She tells him he was making a mistake and she had to wake him up to what’s happening, and Ezra seriously says, “Bad idea to wake a sleepwalker.”  Oy.  PLL writers, really?  What is this, Baywatch Nights?  You guys can do better.  Jackie asks Ezra what happened to his lip and then is all, Ohhhhhhh you told them about you and Aria.  Ezra tells her to get lost.  And even though Jackie is a psycho hose beast plagiarizer, she makes a helluva lot of sense when she says, “She was a TEENAGER.  And you were her TEACHER.”  Ezra tells her to get out (again) and that he’ll never let Jackie hurt Aria, so she needs to get out (again).

All the girls are getting ready for their sneak attack on “A.”  Spencer’s almost out the door when Toby shows up for his Friday night Mope-A-Thon.  Hanna’s almost out the door when her mom tells her she can’t leave because her dad’s on his way over.  Emily’s driving to probably yet another creepy house.  Toby wants to have a friend-tervention with Spencer regarding Emily and Spencer’s like, Stay out of it, plot-ruiner!  Toby wants Spencer to tell her about finding the shovel and he adds that she’s been acting a lot like Alison lately.  Oh, dip!  Spencer tells him that after tonight she’ll answer all his questions, but he has to let her go and can’t follow her.

Hanna’s dad is back to make the family deal with their issues together, which will be easy now that he’s moving back to Rosewood with his new family, including Hanna’s new stepsister, that horse-riding bitch Kate, who will be going to Rosewood public school.  For some reason.

Back at This Episode’s Creepy Place (which, to be fair, is the greenhouse.  Okay?  I just wanted to keep my joke in the recap.  Okay?!), Emily is inside with a flashlight, flashing it around at stuff.  Because we have to have a flashlight-in-the-dark scene at least once per episode.  Spencer arrives at The Creepy Place, talking to Aria on the phone.  Aria says she’ll find a way to get to The Creepy Place and Spencer then texts Emily that she’s almost there and not to go in just yet.  Uh, yeah, too little, too late, Spence.

Aria sneaks out of her room and hears her parents arguing about her downstairs.  Mike shows up and tells her to get out through his bedroom window.  Apparently, there are hand-holds.  Mike says he’s sorry for hitting Ezra (what?  Booo!) and says that when he say Byron’s face, he thought it was better he did it than Byron (what?  Booo!).

Em’s inside The Creepy Hut, opening a box on the ground, when a shadowy figure pops up behind her.  Emily says that she knows what “A” wants and that they know “A” is always listening to them.  Em tells “A” that “A” made a mistake and that must be driving him/her crazy, and what’s in the box must be driving her/him crazy.  She asks “A” if he/she wants to see what he/she’s afraid of.  Emily opens the box to nothing and is all, Nothing — we lied to you and you believed us.  “THAT was your mistake.”  And so, defeated, “A” sits down and starts crying before pulling off his hoodie and revealing that he’s Ezra.  So there.  Mystery solved.

Except not.  “A” lunges for Emily, who tries to get away as “A” attacks her and kicks her and crap.  So much for swim team, eh, Em?  Then Aria and Spencer show up and “A” gets up . . . and throws a pot at the greenhouse ceiling, shattering glass everywhere.  And then, in the midst of the chaos, “A” runs outside and HOLY CRAP HANNA HITS “A” WITH HER CAR!!  WHAT?!  Love it!  Love.  It.  But “A” isn’t injured all that too much — he/she manages to run away.  But his/her injuries slow him/her down enough for the girls to follow . . . until “A” gets away.  Again.  Spencer’s like, I can’t believe this happened again, we have nothing!  Troian’s kind of good in this scene, you guys.  Back at the greenhouse, they’re trying to figure out who “A” could be . . . when they spy something on the ground.  “A’s” cell phone.  What?!  Sweet!

End of credits “A” sequence:  “A” is running, running, running through the woods, and when he/she gets back to his/her car, he/she realizes that his/her cell phone is missing.  “A” gets pissed, and then breaks the window of his/her car.  As one tends to do in these situations.

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