Pretty Little Liars Recap: Ho-Stress Cupcakes

Holy.  Crap.  The “previously on PLL . . .” opens with the plot of Hanna’s-mom-stealing-money-and-hiding-it-in-granola-bar-boxes.  Are they actually going to re-join this?!  I am torn between being happy for some continuity and being pissed that they’re bringing it back after at least 20 episodes because I’m not sure if I even care anymore.  Meh.  I’ll see how I feel at the end of the ep.  Also, I love that Ashley’s all, “It’s only a felony if they find out.”  Like, “It’s only murder if they find the body.”  Or, “It’s only a bomb threat if the bomb is real and not made out of hot dogs and an alarm clock taped to tin foil.”

You have the right to remain kosher.

Um, is this whole episode going to be “Previously on PLL . . .?”  We get it — a lot of shiz goes down on this show.  So all the gals (minus Hanna, but including Caleb) are re-watching the video that Caleb downloaded again.  At one point, they freeze the frame to see what’s in Alison’s box (the one that Aria was given), but Hanna keeps calling each and every one of them on their cell phones, like it’s some frantic news.  It must be buy one get one free at Lucky Leon’s tonight.  Finally, Spencer can’t take it anymore.

“Okay, calm down, Hanna.  I’m sure they didn’t run out of the red velvet ones on purpose.  There’s no need to call me a cupcake bitch nazi from hell.  I’m just trying to help.”

Spencer’s all, Hey girlfriend what’s up cuz nothing’s going on here girlfriend, nothing behind your back at all!  Hanna wants Spencer to come over so they can watch a movie.  Hmmm, which movie, Hanna?

I’m just guessing.

Also, if you ever thought to yourself, “What the hell happened to Lea Thompson?” I just answered your question.  God.  That movie is like a who’s who of who the hells.  Anysnooches, Spencer’s like, Oh um I’m with my family doing family things.  Which would work if Emily didn’t break a glass.  Which would have been fine if Aria didn’t yell, “Emily!”  Which would be almost okay if Spencer wasn’t like, “You guys, shut up!”  She doesn’t even try to play things off, like, “Um . . . I hired an Emily Dickinson look-a-like to come over and read depressing poems about bees and she broke a glass as part of her . . . performance art.”  Believable!  Hanna hangs up, but she knows that the gals are doing something without her.  Caleb enhances the photo and it turns out that inside the box was a fake i.d. of Alison’s . . . with her hair dyed brunette.  Whaaa?  Credits.

Emiliy’s on her way out to meet Maya.  Oh, god, what?  I do not want any part of that.  What if I just refused to recap Maya’s scenes?  Then what would you do?  Thank me, probably.  Aria’s out to meet Holden and apparently she told everyone (including Spencer) that Ezra didn’t show up at the clock.  Oh, lies!  Spencer hasn’t heard from Toby and she’s totally weepy about it.  Oh, Spencer, no, no weepies over Toby!  Spencer also feels guilty about leaving out Hanna, but Aria says that sometimes you have to lie to your friends even if you don’t like it.

“I have a boyfriend of the appropriate age.”

Oooh, I bet that one hurt, Aria.  Later, Ezra’s driving himself and Aria somewhere statutory-esque and Aria tells him that it’s hard to lie to her friends.  Unlike her parents.  Apparently, Aria told Ezra that her mom is “thawing” on their inappropriate relationship.  Hey, why not lie to Ezra too, then?  I mean, why leave him out?  They flirt and I really don’t want to talk about it.  Let’s move on.

Hanna is having a cupcake-less dinner with her mom (Ashley).  Her mom wants to know about her friends, but Hanna says they’re all “annoying.”  Ashley wants to talk about Kate.  Kate, if you remember, is now Hanna’s step-sister.  I don’t think we’ve seen her since the first half of the season.  Or, as they like to call it on this show:  Yesterday.  Hanna says that Kate is out to get her, but Ashley says that Hanna’s dad will put the kibosh on that kind of action.  Ashley adds that them not taking the high road will make them look like trash, so they need to act like everything is cool as ice.

You thought I’d post a pic of the Vanilla Ice movie “Cool As Ice,” didn’t you?  Well, I don’t have time for that.  I’m recapping, thank you very much.  Aria’s dad picks Holden and Aria up from their “date” at the “movies.”  While he’s out at the ATM, they talk about what they “had” for “dinner” should Aria’s “dad” “ask” about it.

The next day (or is it?!) at school lunch, Hanna asks what everyone did last night, but they sort of change the subject to Kate, who is arriving at school today.  And then everyone finds out that Spencer is wearing Toby’s undershirt under her sweater.  Wait, maybe they’re having breakfast?  Everyone has muffins.  Except Hanna.  Wait.  Now she has one.  Hmmm.

No muffin . . .

. . . Muffin.

I hope someone got fired for that.  Emily’s mom is coming up to Rosewood tomorrow!  Yay!  We need some doorway time with Pam.  Oh, and then Kate shows up.  Spencer looks at Kate like she knows her from somewhere.  Kate says it’s from the wedding, but Spencer’s look seems to suggest that it’s from somewhere else . . .

Hanna’s walking Kate to her first class when she gets a text from “A” saying that she needs to tell Caleb to cool it with the tech stuff or she’ll blab to the cops about Ashley’s pantry money.  Uh-oh.

Spencer, Aria, and Emily are in the courtyard discussing why Alison would need a second fake i.d. with dark hair.  Maybe she needed it to go out with Ian and maybe she needed to color her hair or wear a wig so that “A” couldn’t tell it was Alison.  Sure.  I’ll go with it.  They talk about how skeezy(er)Noel Kahn is now that he’s with Jenna.  Spencer is all, Hey wait maybe Alison wanted a disguise so that she could investigate “A” without “A” knowing.  Oh, girl, please.  “A” knows all.  Hanna joins them and tells them about the text she just got.  The girls don’t ‘fess up, though.  When they all get up to leave, Hanna says she knows that Spencer’s lying to her and she’s upset that they’re trying to “freeze” her out.

Speaking of people I want to shove out of moving cars, here’s a scene with Maya.  And Emily.  They’re in bed cuddling talking about the swim team and then they kiss.  Ack!

ABCFamily?!  More like ABC Liberal Agenda!

Em’s mom texts her about coming in tomorrow and Maya asks if Em’s mom still hates her.  You know what?  I think Maya is the type of girl who WANTS the other girl’s mom to hate her.  I bet if Em’s mom loved her, she wouldn’t be into Emily at all.  If there’s no drama, I doubt that Maya wants to be a part of it.  Emily says her mom is different now.  I hope she still likes to stand in doorways, though.  More lesbian kissing, more petitions from Concerned Women for America for sponsors to pull their commercials from this filthy, disgusting show.  Those unhappy, sex-starved bitches can suck it — this show is awesome.

So it’s another day, another school lunch.  Kate’s sitting with our gals and Spencer’s like, Do you have family in Maine or have you been to Maine or have you driven through Maine or eaten Maine lobster . . . in Maine?

“That’s the one by Texas, right?”

Ummmmm no.  Kate says she’s never been to Maine.  Kate is thinking about joining orchestra but Spencer is all, I know you from debate!  Nope, says Kate.  After Kate leaves, Hanna chides Spencer for giving Kate “the fourth degree.”  Spencer:  “It’s the third degree.”  Hanna:  “Whatever!  Just stop giving her degrees, okay?!”  Hahahaha!  This marks the first moment I’ve LOL’d to this show this entire second half of season two.

Em’s walking to her locker, thinking happy lesbian thoughts, but when she gets to her locker, there’s a note taped to it!  Oh no!  It’s turns out the note isn’t from “A” or her other creepy stalker (Maya), but from her mom!  Oh yeah!  Pam is in the house!  She surprised Em by showing up at school.  Continuity note:  Emily says that her mom has been gone “only a couple weeks.”  Hmmm.  Does that add up?  I don’t know.  Or care.  Does Emily want to invite someone “special” to dinner tonight?  Nope.  But she does want to invite Maya.  Hey-oh!  Pam says that it’d be nice to give Maya a second chance so she can come to dinner.  Pam!  No!  Dammit.

Time for gym class.  Do public schools actually have gym uniforms for people?  We never had them.  We had to bring our own from home.  That seems like a big waste of money.  Hey, let’s eliminate art class, but save some money for gym uniforms!  Asinine.  Spencer hangs behind to help Kate with her locker . . . and do some reconnaissance on her.  Turns out that Spencer finally remembered how she knows Kate — from horse ranch camp!  Melissa was Kate’s counselor and I guess Spencer was there too(?).  I’m fuzzy on the details.  Kate’s all, Fine I was at that camp and “I’m her and I’m exactly who you think I am.”  She asks why Spencer wants to keep that info secret, but Spencer says she won’t tell anyone . . . however, she still has a group photo with Kate included, so Kate better be nice to Hanna.  Kate’s like, “Why are you giving me a break?”  Spencer says that if the way she treated Hanna was any evidence, then Kate’s true self will come out without her help.  Okay, what?  What kind of camp was this?  Was it fat camp?  Oh, my dear god, PLEASE let it be fat camp!  Color me intrigued, though . . .

Em’s walking by The Only Restaurant in Rosewood and sees Maya chatting with Noel Kahn about some “app” help with her phone.  Em and her mom go inside and Pam tells Maya she looks great, which is a blatant lie, if you ask me.  Em tells Maya to stay away from Noel while Pam goes to ask for a table.  Pam comes back and says they have a table ready.  Maya says something that I cannot for the life of me understand: “Nice [rip? riff? rick?], Pam.  You say jump, they say how high, huh?”  Pam puts on her this-is-going-to-be-a-long-night-so-I’m-gonna-need-liquor-and-beers face and walks to the table.

“I don’t know what the hell that druggie skank just said to me, but I do not care for it.  I do not.”

Aria and Holden are at some pizza place that has tons of games to make up for the fact that their pizza sucks for their “date,” but Aria says her plans got canceled so she’ll just wait for Holden to meet her back when he’s done.  And wouldn’t you know it — Holden’s plans got canceled too.  Hmmm.  That’s odd and intriguing . . . But not really because Aria’s plots tend to bore me.  Holden suggests that they just get some ‘za and hang.  Also:

“Someone who says ‘za instead of pizza?  That’s a dealbreaker, ladies!”

Seriously.  Do not put up with that shit.  Nip it.  In the.  Bud.  Oh, dip, if I ever become a bitchy life coach, that is totally going to be my catchphrase:  Nip it.  In the.  Bud.  Later, I’ll just shorten it to NIP IT! and then I’ll sleep on a pile of my money.  If you steal that from me, I will sue you and scratch your eyes out.  Not necessarily in that order.

Where was I?  Something about Susan Delfino being an idiot and pissing me off this week . . . Ah, sorry.  Wrong recap.  Oh, yeah, Holden and Aria.  Oh, wait, they’re just going to play games, and we’re done with this scene.  Oh, awesome, next is a scene with Emily and Maya.  Fun.  Emily’s talking about school and the new jazz band and Pam says that she had a big poster of Miles Davis in college because she loves him.  Maya’s surprised because she thought Pam would like sophisticated classical music, but Pam counters that she thinks that jazz IS sophisticated.  Then Maya makes an incredibly lame joke about jazz musicians loving pot that just totally falls flat, giving me yet another reason to hate Maya with an all-consuming passion.  Oh, I guess Maya’s in the jazz band at her school and that’s what they were talking about.  I guess Maya was talking in the beginning.  You’d think I’d just go back and change my recap to reflect that, but no.  I like to keep it real on the ‘Gasm.  Maya’s phone goes off and she turns it off, saying it’s her “stalker.”  She was kidding — turns out it’s just some guy she was dating in druggie camp.  Emily is not impressed.

“You smell like penis now.  We’re over.”

Yay, Emily!  Spencer is making popcorn for a movie night with Hanna.  Hanna wants to watch “The Notebook,” but Spencer isn’t into watching that Nicholas Sparks treacly bullshit.  But then she changes her mind and I lose all respect for her.  [Editor's note:  Nicholas Sparks once compared himself VERY favorably to Jane Austen, which means he is now second only to Stephenie Meyer on my list of authors to avoid . . . and punch in the face.]  Spencer tells Hanna that she has nothing to worry about with Kate, but Hanna says that Kate is pretending to be nice, like one of those animals that are nice until they bite your head off.  Like some fish they mention.  Spencer shows Hanna the camp photo so she’ll know she has nothing to worry about.  The photo’s on her phone and we don’t get to see it.  Turns out Kate wasn’t fat, she just got a bunch of bug bites, but that still didn’t stop her from being a bitch.  Well.  This plot has certainly petered out.  Lame.  And then Hanna of course finds the photo of Alison’s fake i.d. on Spencer’s phone and Spencer explains what’s been going on.  Hanna’s obviously upset and storms out.

“But I wanted to watch Paul Blart:  Mall Copppppppp!”

Maybe next time, Spence.  Maybe next time.  Back at The Only Restaurant in Rosewood, Maya wants dessert.  And scrotum, apparently.  Am I right, folks?  But no one else wants dessert so Pam goes to get the check.  While she’s gone, Emily asks Maya what’s going on and Maya tries to turn it back on Emily.  Oh no.  No no no no no, Maya.  You can’t get away with that.  Not on Hypnotoad’s watch.  Emily tells Maya that she was being rude (true) unfunny (hella true) and she was trying to get a rise out of Pam (HELLA hella true).  Why else, Emily asks, would she have brought up that guy who probably doesn’t even have a vagina?  Emily’s all, I just now started getting my mom on board with the lesbian thing and now you’re going to confuse her more.  Maya:  Is it your mom that’s confused, or you?  Oooooh, deep.  Shut up, Maya.

Ezra’s at some literary meeting.  The kind with old people and brandy.  Wheeeee.  The host says he had an ulterior motive for inviting Ezra.

“I’d like you to pour baked beans all over my body and then spank me.”

What the hell kind of meeting is this?!  Apparently, since Ezra has had a couple poems published, taught public school for half a year, and taught college English for about one and a half months, it’s enough to be recommended as associate dean of Hollis College’s satellite campus.  It’s in Louisiana.  I hope the school is in a sad strip mall and I hope Ezra takes the job.

Try to find some immature attractive co-ed to sleep with at THIS dump, Fitz!

Hanna’s outside, moping like a Toby, when Caleb comes over and apologizes, but he says he was doing it to protect her, and she says she was doing what she did to protect him, and then Hanna says he’s not the only one who needs protecting, OKAY?!  Geez, Caleb.  Arrogant.  Hanna says that she and her mom had a hard year last year because they were broke.  Caleb says that “broke” means something different to her than it does to him.

“Live in a high school ventilation system for a month.  Then we’ll talk.”

Hanna says they almost lost their house and Hanna’s mom got money from the bank . . . and by “got” she means “stole.”  Caleb’s the only person she’s told and Caleb says he won’t tell anyone.  Hanna says someone else knows and won’t let it go, but she doesn’t know who it is, but it’s that person’s phone that Caleb’s cracking into.

Aria’s kicking Holden’s butt at air hockey, even with her distractingly tacky shirt.  Holden asks about Ezra, but Aria says they’re not gonna talk about it.  Fine by me!

Caleb knocks on (I think) Toby/Jenna’s door, but no one answers.  And then, the cops pull over.  Well, actually, Garrett pulls over and asks what Caleb’s doing.  When he says he’s looking for Jenna to stop her harrassing Hanna and Co., Garrett says that Caleb has to be a lot scarier than he his and then shows Caleb his gun.  Anyone else having a hard time finding Garrett to be threatening?  It just doesn’t work for me.

Spencer goes over to Hanna’s house to apologize for hiding things from her.  Spencer says that “A” has taken everything from her and she can’t lose Hanna too.  Wait.  Did someone on this show say that line before?  Cuz it seems like it.

Back at the pizza place, some guy bumps into Holden and he lifts up his shirt, revealing a big bruise, which Aria is concerned about.  Aria, he’s not some 24 year-old high school English teacher, so back off.  But what, indeed, has caused Holden’s wounds?  Perhaps a kerfuffle in a dark , mysterious greenhouse?  Perhaps getting hit by a car running from said greenhouse?  Hmmm.  Also, where’s Lucas?  Did I miss something?  Did he run away?  Bring him back, please.  And give him a spin-off.  Preferably one where my 16 year-old self is his boyfriend and we run away to Chicago because no one understands us(!!!) and we live happily ever after.  It would be like Felicity and you would watch it and love it.

Oh my god, I miss Felicity.

So.  Much.  And I swear to god — if any of you mention how you loved it until she cut her hair or any variation thereof, I will just.  Go.  Off!  Spencer tells Hanna that she thought if they could bring “A” down with the phone then it would be worth anything that happened.  But now they have nothing.  Nothing!  Or do they?  Seems Hanna has seen Alison with dark hair before, about 2 years ago.  Oh, please let it be a Fat Hanna flashback, please let it be a Fat Hanna flashback!

We flashback to Hanna at a salon.  I don’t think she’s “fat.”  Boo.  Anyway, the girl next to her — “Vivian” — is having some coffee.  Hanna recognizes her voice and — fine, it’s Alison.  No point in dragging that on.  I’m confused — is this right before Hanna and Alison were friends?  Or is it after they had a fight or something?  Maybe this is before they were friends, although Hanna does not look “fat” at all.  Maybe they had budget cuts this week and couldn’t break out the fatty suit.  Anyway, Alison tells Hanna to keep the dark hair a secret because she’s pretending to be someone else; she does that a lot.  Vivian/Alison tells her to try it some time, because isn’t Hanna sick of being herself?  Then Alison/Vivian takes off the brunette wig to reveal . . . that it’s a wig.  Wow, I ruined the crap out of that one.

Annnnnnnd we’re back to the present.  Hanna says that she never said anything because she thought it was just Alison being a weird-ass whore.  You know, like always.  Spencer is all, Her name was Vivian Darkbloom on her fake i.d.  And dude — Vivian Darkbloom TOTALLY sounds like a V.C. Andrews character, does it not?  Although, it turns out (through Spencer’s internet research) that Vivian Darkbloom is Vladimir Nabokov’s pseudonym, as well as an anagram of his name.  Well, shit, I feel like an idiot for not knowing that.  Nabokov wrote the book “Lolita.”  Now, THAT I knew.  I’m pretty smart.  Hanna recognizes that book from the heart-shaped glasses on the cover.  In fact, she still has that book on her shelf . . . because she stole it from Alison!  Okay, now I’m totally getting the suspensies, you guys!  For reals!  Spencer flips through the book to find anything meaningful . . . and she totally does — a claim ticket!  I don’t know what for but holy crap what is going on?!

Emily goes to Maya’s house before school (because this is Rosewood.  The kids have to cram in at least 5 hours worth of drama before school starts) to tell her that she’s bothered by Maya dating that dude.  Not because he has a penis!  But because she doesn’t want Maya dating anyone but her and if she’s into guys and girls, that’s like double the competition.  Also, maybe because he has a penis.  Two points:  1.) That’s pretty much how I’d feel about dating a bisexual, I’m sorry to admit.  2.)  As much as I hate (HAAAATE) Maya, it’s a little hypocritical for Emily to say this considering she went out with Samara and that blonde chick from the private school.  But pretty much, my hatred for Maya trumps number two.  Maya says that Emily has no competition and blah blah blah still mad at your mom blah blah blah I want to show you something.  Maya made her room look some magical lesbian aquarium with crap she bought from Hobby Lobby.  Look, I’ll never not hate Maya, so I’m just not into this.  But THEN, Maya says she loves Emily and Emily says “I love you” back.  OH WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!  Then, the beginnings of simulated lesbian sex.  Emily, not with Maya.  Anyone but Maya!  Nip it!  NIP IT!

Spencer’s calling the claim ticket place.  I still don’t know what the hell it is.  A storage locker?  That’s my guess.  She tells the guy her ticket #, and the guy still has her stuff for some reason, so “Miss Darkbloom” can pick it up any time.  Oooooh interesting!

At school, everyone’s holding out their cell phones and they’re all in a tizzy over something Hanna did in regard to said cell phones.  But Hanna has no idea what’s going on.  Turns out, “Hanna” sent everyone a naked photo of Kate.  Oh, Concerned Women for America, this is just not your episode, is it?  You sex-deprived harpies should pop in your Touched By an Angel DVDs, crack open a diet Shasta, and call it a night.  Hanna doesn’t even know how she’d take that photo.  It looks like, Emily says, it was taken in the girls locker room.

“I’m ashamed of you, Hanna.  Now, approximately what time did this occur and how drunk did you have to get her?”

Hanna is adamant that she did not send it around to everyone.  Oh, shit, Hanna is SKA-REWED.  Obviously, “A” did it.  There’s a lot of dramatic music and crap.  And that’s the end.

Over the credits, The Gloved One is in Spencer’s dad’s office.  He/She opens his desk drawer and pulls out a gun.

I was sad that we didn’t get to see Fat Hanna this week, so here’s the next best thing:

Fat Monica!

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