Pretty Little Liars Recap: Mona Please-a!

Oh, look, another late PLL recap from Hypnotoad.  I’m so sorry, you guys.  Hopefully I can curb this habit.  Desperate Housewives isn’t on next week, so hopefully just having the one recap will ensure that it’s timely.  If you ever recap, DO NOT volunteer for more than one at a time.  You will rue the day.  RUE!  Let’s get on with it.

Remember back in the day when Desperate Housewives used to have those “catch-up” episodes?  I feel like we need one of those every damn week with this show.  The gals are at school discussing how they’re going to give Jonah the $2,000 he asked for.  But where did Spencer get the money?  That’s what Emily wants to know.  Spencer says she has a relative, but can’t say who it is.  Only Aria and Spencer are going, because they don’t want to spook the guy.  Mona comes by and asks Hanna to drive her to get a dress for some big party.  Probably a swim team party, since The Girls Swim Team is God at this school.  Oh, but Hanna can’t go after school.  Long story short (too late), they’ll do it another time.  Mona gets a text and looks worried, but she assures Hanna it’s nothing.  Then, when Hanna leaves, Mona looks at her phone.

 

Who thought Mona was “A?”  Cuz you probably owe someone money now.

And yes, there’s the whole, “She had someone send the text so she could LOOK like she’s not “A” but she totally is” thing, but I’m not gonna buy that.  Got a secret?  Can you keep it?  Well, this one you’ll save.  Better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave.  I’ve never liked this song.  Just putting that out there.

Ashley (Hanna’s mom) is putting away some groceries.

“Let’s see.  I can put about $300 of stolen money into this bag of carrots.  That should cover it.”

Detective Wilden stops by for some harassment.  Ashley even tells him that it’s “harassment,” so we know that it’s true.  He wants to know what’s up with the whole candy-striper-at-the-morgue thing, but Ashley tells him to get the fudge out.  He says that he can just see them at the station whenever he wants, so it’s cool.  Ashley asks if Hanna has told her everything and Hanna says she has.  We know better, though.  We know better.

Spencer’s telling ring-less Melissa about how they have a new baby brother who is not a baby and likes to get drunk and high a lot, and also Melissa made out with their new brother once.  Score!  Melissa says that they should have known and now they don’t know who their parents are.  Spencer says she’s sure that Alison knew about it, but she doesn’t think anyone else does.  Melissa says they should keep it that way and she’s gonna head out because she doesn’t want to be around when her parents come home.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to be alone with the bunch of towels I’ve got hidden under my shirt.”

Seriously — that baby bump is about as convincing as the “abs” painted on Ezra’s stomach.  Back at school, Emily’s once again trying to call Maya on her phone.  Stop it, Emily.  Oh, and guess who’s back?

Yay!

I’ve missed you, Samara.  You tried to drown Emily, and yet, you’re 1000% saner than Maya.  And prettier.  And funnier.  Samara’s going to go around town and ask store owners if they want to buy ad space for the swim team programs, so maybe Emily should come with?  The season’s over now (ohmigod, how will the school survive?!  What excuse will there be to throw parties now?!) so what else is Emily going to do?  Cheat on Maya, I hope.  I want Samara to throw down on Maya.  You KNOW she’d kick that skinny bitch’s ass.

Mona is showing Hanna her new fabulous clothes, but Hanna’s not too into it.  She snaps to attention when Mona tells her that she’s getting texts from “A” again.  Again?  Huh?  I totally don’t remember Mona getting “A” texts before.  I don’t know how that could happen.  It’s not like there are literally a dozen plots happening at one time on this show.  Mona’s like, I got a text “accusing me of stealing this necklace.”  Hanna:  “Did you?”  Mona:  “Duh, yes, but why is it their business?”  Hee!  Oh, Mona.  You’re totally the Edie Britt of Pretty Little Liars.  Please never accuse the creator of the show of abuse and get written out of the series by getting into a car crash and then being electrocuted by a fallen telephone wire.  Mona says that she got a text with a photo of Ashley with Det. Wilden and Hanna’s like, That’s totally photoshopped!  Mona believes her and Hanna asks if “A” wants her to do something with the photo, but Mona says nothing’s come up, and if she can handle Alison, she can handle some stupid texting a-hole.

Spencer and Aria are on a park bench waiting for Godot.

“Let’s go.”  “Yes.  Let’s go.”  (MASSIVE PAUSE)  “I do not seem to be able . . . (MASSIVE EXCRUCIATING PAUSE) . . . to depart.”  “We are all born mad.  Some remain so.”

Actually, they’re waiting for Jonah.  Jonah arrives (unlike Godot) and asks Spencer who the hell she is.  Spencer:  “I’m the money.”  Aria:  “She is.  She’s the money.”  Hee.  Jonah wants the money first, but Spencer wants the info first.  Finally, Aria gives him the money.  He hands over a piece of paper, saying that Vivian owes him.  There’s an address on the piece of paper, but nothing else, which pisses Spencer off.  Jonah says that it’s all the info he has, so they can suck it two times for all he cares.  And it turns out that Det. Wilden has been watching this whole time (perhaps).  Uh-oh!

So Aria texts Hanna to tell her that their plan changed.  As Ashley makes dinner, Hanna brings up Wilden and what would happen if people found about about the time he and Ashley were doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well.  Hanna wonders if Ashley could lose her job.  Uh, if she didn’t lose it for embezzling thousands of dollars, I doubt that f**king a cop would require termination, Hanna.  Ashley says that she could lose custody of Hanna if things got out, since her dad would use the affair as ammo against her.

Aria’s on the phone with Ezra, who’s about to go to his interview at the Louisiana school, and just as Aria is about to make plans with him, Ella walks in.  Buzzkill!  Also, I’m kind of amazed that Aria is taking this whole Ezra-might-have-to-move-to-Louisiana-(please-dear-god-make-it-so) thing as well as she is.  Ella hands Aria the letter that Byron found on his car — the one from “A” — and asks Aria if she knows anything about it.  Aria says no, but she’s a horrible liar, so her mom must be thinking that something is up.

Back at school, Emily and Samara are totes excited about the ad space they sold and then they kick the lesbian schtick up a notch as Samara tells Emily that she came out to her parents.  And then Hanna ruins the tender lesbian moment by sending an S.O.S. text.

Hanna gathers all the girls together to tell them about Mona and the photo of her mom and Det. Wilden and they all wonder why “A” is bothering their friends now.  Is Mona a friend?  Sure.  Let’s go with that.  Plus, she’s funny, so who cares?  I certainly don’t.  Shall we move on?  Sure.  Let’s.  Hanna says that she didn’t tell Mona and she’s going downstairs because she hasn’t eaten anything all day . . . . Hmmm . . . what could she be craving?

“I’m just gonna pop on over to Lucky Leon’s for a baker’s dozen and a drum of cream cheese frosting.”

Spencer asks her to check to see if Garrett’s car is still outside — he followed her home.  Ew.  Aria then blurts out that “A” sent her dad a letter trying to get him to find out about her and Ezra.  Spencer’s like, Hold on a second.  Hang on a tic.  Whoa, there.  Just a second.  Aren’t she and Ezra over, Spencer wonders?  No, Spence.  Not by a long statutory shot.  Aria says she didn’t want to tell them because she thought it would be dangerous and Emily understands, but Spencer’s pissed because she had talks with Aria about how it sucks to miss their boyfriends Toby (boring) and Ezra (immature).  Spencer says Aria deserves an Oscar for her performance.  Hey, if Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, and Hilary Swank can get one, then anyone can.  Aria’s about to tell them about Byron getting rid of Ezra but then Hanna calls them downstairs.  Caleb emailed her more of the video.  It plays and then they see some lady run into the room, all, “Where is she?!”

Collective gasp!  Melissa!

Everyone but Spencer wants to go to the police; Spencer says she needs to talk to Melissa first.  They all think Melissa’s lied so much that she’ll probably lie again, but Spencer convinces them to give her a day to talk to Melissa.  Suspense!!

Over at some bar and grill, Spencer orders a coffee (of course).

Mona shows up at Hanna’s house with a police record for shoplifting.  Turns out, “A” put it in her mailbox.  Mona’s pissed that Hanna didn’t tell her and Mona adds that “A” told her that she has to give the report and the photo of Ashley and Wilden to the town paper or she’ll have her own police report (for the necklace she stole).  Geez, “A” is really amping things up this week.

Spencer’s at the bar, reading a text from Emily asking her if she’s talked to Melissa yet.  And then, it happens:  Spencer grabs a shot from a tray the hostess left on the counter.  Will Spencer be the one teen on this teen drama who has an alcohol problem?  Because no teen show is complete without one.  And then Wren shows up, of course.  He says it’s fate, Spencer just says “it’s a small town.”  Oooh, someone puts on their sassypants when they’re underage drinking!  She tells him that Melissa’s showing up, so he should skedooch.  Just as Melissa’s about to walk in, Garrett pulls up and honks the horn.  Melissa gets into Garrett’s car and rides away and Wren says that Garrett was with her at her doctor’s appointment last week.  Spencer gets a text from Melissa saying that class ran late so she won’t be there.  Liar!

Back at Hanna’s house, she’s giving Mona the lowdown about “A.”  She tells Mona that the less she knows the better and “A” doesn’t f**k around.  Neither of them are sure what to do but Hanna says she’ll figure something out.  And it will involve cupcakes.  Mona shows Hanna a text that says she has until 10:00am tomorrow morning.

Spencer’s trying to get Melissa on the horn, but she won’t answer.  She sneaks another shot while Wren’s looking away.  ‘Atta girl.

Ashley gets home and finds Hanna’s police record with the note from “A” on the kitchen counter.

This is where I would put another sentence recapping a 4 second scene if there was another one right now.

Hanna, Em, and Aria show up at that address (from Jonah) and it’s a dark, old house.  Of course.  The door’s locked, so they decide to look around.  Aria tries to grab some old mail from the mail slot, but it curiously slides back into the house through the slot . . . like someone had just grabbed it . . .  And then –

HOLY F**KING F**KING SHIT F**K!

I’m going to admit that that scared me.  Old man screamy face in a dark window tends to have that effect on me.  Then some house alarms go off and they get the hell out of there.

Wren’s taken Spencer to his house, where Wren doesn’t care that he’s getting a 16 year-old drunk in his own house.  I’m really not comfortable with this, you guys.  But I’ll just recap it as best as I can.  Spencer and Wren flirt and then kiss.  Oy.

Back at Hanna’s house, Hanna decides to google the law firm that was on the address of the piece of mail Aria grabbed (and held on to, apparently).  The law firm (FLW) closed down three months ago.  Charles Lang was an employee and Hanna asks if that’s Crystal’s dad, but Aria points out that Crystal’s last name is Lee, not Lang.  I point out that I have no idea who the hell Crystal Lee is.

More Spencer and Wren inappropriateness.  Spencer is seducing the shit out of Wren, who says she’s drunk, which is just fine by him, apparently.  But he then says he can’t sex her up.  At least, not like this.  Nope.  Wren likes his underage girls to be fully sober when he sexes them.  Just break one law at a time, eh, wanker?  Awesome!

Emily’s picking up some food from The Only Restaurant in Rosewood when she thinks she sees Maya.  Luckily, it’s just some other girl.  Thank god.

Emily:  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I thought you were a pot-smoking bipolar bisexual asshole who is completely wrong for me.”

Awwww, maybe next time, Em.  Then Em runs out and literally runs into Samara, who asks her what’s wrong.  Emily tells her about Maya and how she ran away and won’t call her back.  Samara gets the WORD award this week:  “Don’t you see, Em?  This is who she is.  When things get tough, she bails.  I know you really care about her, but who you really need is someone you can count on.”  WORD, Samara.  I would have added that Maya’s an asshole who should be isolated and shunned from society, but no, what you said is fine.  But then Samara tries to kiss Emily and things get awkward and Emily weirds out and Samara says she didn’t mean to try to kiss her.  Weepy folk guitar musician, take us out to the commercial break!

Thank you, weepy folk guitar musician.  At school the next day, it’s 10:15 and Mona’s upset.  Rightfully so, since Hanna didn’t come up with anything by the deadline.  But instead of giving the photo and record to the paper, Mona took the stolen necklace back to the store and worked out a community service deal.  Hanna’s a little surprised that Mona did what she did, but Mona says she’d never rat out her best friend and her best friend’s mom.

Spencer’s just waking up at Wren’s place, where he informs her that he just finished his rounds.  Oh, and it’s 10:30am.

“What?!  I should have been up 6 hours ago for all the before-school, coffee-fueled drama!  Dammit!”

She says she’s late for school, but why even bother at this point?  Wren says Spencer’s welcome on his couch any time.  Ew.  Look out, Ezria.  Here comes Wrencer — another inappropriate relationship spear-headed by an immature adult who should know better.  Way better.

Mona’s about to eat her lunch when she finds a note taped to her apple.  It’s from her mom, telling her to have a successful day because she’s a powerful, wonderful young lady who deserves good things.  Fine, it’s actually from “A” who’s all, “You didn’t bite the first time, but you will.”  Mona looks around and tries to figure out who could have sent the note.  She shows Hanna the note and tells her that she’s going home, but Hanna convinces her to have lunch with her, Spencer, and Emily.  How much would you love it if Mona became a regular character and member of the PLL gang?  Would you love it as much as me?  I doubt it.  I highly doubt it.

Ashley’s at the police station, confronting Wilden about the police record she THINKS he sent them (the one from “A”).  Wilden freaks out and tells Ashley that there’s no way he’d give that to Hanna because it could cost him his job.

Emily’s at school, totally not thinking about Maya, just having a nice day, doing some physics homework, thinking about Portia De Rossi naked on a clam shell eating Pizza Rolls.  Oh, I’m sorry, Emily is actually being a weenie and calling Maya AGAIN.  She’s not angry, just confused, she misses her, I love you, blah blah blah lesbian blah blah.

Ezra’s back.  Yaaaaay.  He says he liked the campus and the professors and Aria’s glad it’s over, but Ezra says they offered him the job.  And he’s going to think about taking it.  Ezra says that Byron is already suspicious and if he stays, Byron will know what’s keeping him in Rosewood.  Aria says they’ll figure it out, but Ezra’s not so sure anymore.  Aria asks if he’s “giving up” on them.  Ezra says they’re deluding themselves into thinking the relationship can continue.  THANK YOU!  So, I guess they’re breaking up or just broke up or something.

“I wonder what my American history teacher is doing tonight . . .”

See, Aria?  Always a silver lining.  Some weepy cover of “I Can’t Help Falling in Love” is playing as Aria, well, weeps, in her room.  Her mom asks her what’s wrong — I’m sorry, but if you’re bawling your eyes out in your bedroom and your door is open, clearly you want attention — and Aria tells her to go away.  Aria tells Ella that Ezra’s taking the job that Byron set up for him.  Ella clearly doesn’t know about that, but Aria is too self-involved to care (again) and she’s all, You may have lost Ezra, but you lost me, too.

“Meh.  We had a good run.  Ooh, chili would be good tonight!”

Oh, dammit, I thought we were done with Ezria, but Aria’s back in Ezra’s apartment.  Man, if they have sex this episode, I will lose it.  I will.  I will go ape-shit.  There’s a knock at the door and it turns out that it’s Ella.  But she says she’s not there to take Aria home; she’s there to listen.  Um, what?  The only thing I’d be listening to is the police report when I have Ezra arrested.  Am I right, folks?  Okay, fine, Ella’s being a somewhat smart parent, because pushing them apart will only make them want to be together more.  Or something.

Spencer’s at home, re-watching the video of Melissa in Alison’s room or whatever when Melissa finally shows up.  She tells Spencer that the night of Ian’s funeral, she tried to tell Spencer something, but couldn’t, and she needs to talk about it now, in private (because their parents will be home any minute).  And I guess Spencer left her cell phone and computer on the kitchen counter and it’s a bad thing, because the camera focuses on it and suspense-y music is playing.

Back at the plot I hate the most, Ella tells Ezra and Aria that she doesn’t condone the relationship, but she’s afraid of what will happen if she does what Byron’s doing.  She says she wants to understand what Ezria’s relationship is, exactly.  Illegal?  There.  Problem solved.

And back at the Marin household, Ashley tells Hanna that her “board meeting ran late.”  Liar!  She also happens to see the letter that Aria took from the old man’s house from FWL Law Firm (Froelich, Williams, and Lang) and asks Hanna where she got it.  It’s odd, Ashley says, because that’s the firm she used in her divorce.  Hanna asks her why she’d use a law firm in a different town, unless she knew someone who worked there.  Ashley did — Melissa Hastings (Spencer’s sister)!  WHAT?!  Melissa was an intern there that summer.  WHAT?!  Was she a paid or unpaid intern?!  Did she get a stipend?!  A STIPEND?!?!   I NEED TO KNOOOOW!

Emily answers the door.  She’s still at Hanna’s house, but I guess she’s the only one downstairs.  Or the only one with the sense of hearing.  Anyway, it’s a cop, with news about Maya.  Oh, dip!  Is it wrong that I’m hoping she’s dead?  Come on, she’s a character, not a real person!

End Credits:  The gloved someone loads and cocks a gun, then shoots it . . . at a target, landing all bullets in the perfect center.  Who will “A” shoot?  Will it be Maya?  Let’s hope.  Let’s REALLY hope.

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