Pretty Little Liars Recap: Toby MagWhiner

First off, I want to apologize for being M.I.A. the past couple weeks.  Would it make you feel better if I told you I was in the hospital?  Well, I wasn’t.  But I was in rehab due to my addiction to whip-its.  Okay, that’s not true, either.  But I did have some stuff going on, and thankfully someone recapped the last episode, so thank you, Alejandra!  Let’s just get right to the recap.

Oh, good, let’s start the show off with coffee, because it’s probably 6am and these girls have ten million things to do before school starts.  Time to find out what Caleb got on “A’s” phone!  Augh, everyone’s talking really fast about so many things!  Aria thinks that Garrett is now “A,” but I’m not so sure.  So, the gals pop in the hard dive with the shiz Caleb got from the phone.  First off is that grainy video that the girls have already seen from the night Alison and Ian were together at the Kissing Rock (lame).  Oh, but wait — there’s more!  There’s video of Alison’s room . . . and then Ian shows up on camera, stealthily hiding the camera under something, and then Garrett and Jenna show up.  They say that Jason’s not there, since he got effed up on one Corona and a puff of one joint.  Okay, basically Ian says that he tried to get Alison to hand over her videos, but she wouldn’t.  Garrett says that he’s not surprised and he’s pissed.  Ian tells them to help him find Alison’s videos.

“Found ‘em!”

Yeah, you . . . you might want to keep looking, Ian.  They’re all pretty sure Caleb saw the video, so now Hanna’s afeared Caleb might be subjected to “A’s” insidious ways.  On the vid, Garret finds Alison’s box, the one that Jason gave to Aria, and opens it, saying, “That’s weird.”

“Wow, that is A LOT of poorly-made friendship bracelets.”

Spencer says that now they know that the “N.A.T. club” was in Rosewood the night Alison was murdered.  Um, duh, guys?  Why is this supposed to be so revealing?  Whatever.  Credits.

Later that day, Spencer shows Emily a photo that “A” texted her, one with Spencer kissing a mopey looking Toby.  Speak of the bland devil — Toby shows up in his truck.  You know, the one Spencer bought with the money from HER SISTER’S WEDDING RING.  What the hell happened with that?!  Look, I know this show has more holes than a fat guy’s underpants, and I don’t know why I’m latching onto this particular one to get pissed about, but I am.  What.  Happened.  With Melissa’s.  Wedding ring?!  AAAA!

Anyway, Spencer says that she wants to stay away from Toby, but she’s totally turned on by blandness and mope sessions, so she can’t resist.  Emily answers the phone for Spencer (Tobes is calling) saying she’s busy and she misses him; Toby says he misses her too and she was almost about to tell him about why she’s been so distant.  Emily says she can’t tell him, but he should come back later.  Toby’s kind of pissy about that.

At school (maybe the same day, maybe not), everyone’s eating lunch and talking about Toby and Spencer, and of course Aria turns this conversation into one about her and Ezra.  She’s good at that.

“Speaking of Marie Antoinette and peanut allergies, did you know that Ezra broke up with me and I’m not handling it very well, like, at all?!”

Yeah, I know that, Aria.  She blahs about him not talking to her and how she wants some answers from  him.  Do you?  Do you, Aria?  Because I’m not sure he’s getting the hint from your 10,000 phone calls and texts a day.  Then Holden shows up at another table, and there’s some very funny talk about Aria being Holden’s beard.  (I wish there were more moments like this on the show.)  Anyway, if you don’t know what a beard is, let me explain it to you:

Does that clear things up?  Aria denies that Holden is gay, but the other gals are like, “Has he tried to kiss you?”  Aria:  “No.”  Everyone else:  “GAY.”  Hee.  More funnies, please!  Oh.  My.  God.  I just thought of something:  What if Holden and Lucas end up together?!  How freaking cute and adorable would that be?!  So.  Adorable.  Aria confirms that they’re still on for tonight, which they are, which bodes well for Aria.  As Aria walks away, she sees Holden staring at some chick’s ass.  Boo, no!  Wait for Lucas, Holden!

Caleb is busy with his laptop.

“Why.  Do they.  Make World of Warcraft so hard?!!?!”

He’s un-pixel-ing some pixilated stuff, when he sees Garret’s face on the vid.  And lo and behold, Garrett is sitting a table away from him at the outdoor cafe.  Garrett reminds Caleb that he left his keys on the table and then talks about being so in the zone sometimes that he forgets about stuff.  Like bashing a 15 year-old in the head and burying the body?  Man, I have SO been there.

Back at The League of Plot Forwarding (Aria’s room), the gang talks about how all three suspects (Garrett, Jenna, and Ian) were seen in Alison’s room so they should go to the police, and also, what’s up with the doll in Alison’s box (that Aria now has)?  Here’s what’s up — there’s a note in it that says “My turn to torture you.”  And another that says, “You think you’re safe on the outside, but you’re not when I’m on the inside.”  What does yours say, Emily?

“Let a smile be your umbrella.”

Oh, lame fortune!  There are more notes, including one about a smashed pumpkin, and we flashback to Halloween when Alison was still alive.  The whole gang (including Alison) are walking back to Alison’s house (I’m assuming this is after that stupid prank that Alison pulled on them), where, upon arrival, they find a pumpkin with a knife in it, included with a note saying that “next time it will be your face.”  In the present, the girls find out the note was written on the back of the invitation to Noel Kahn’s Halloween party.  AND, the note is signed . . . by “A!”  This means “A” was after Alison too!  Holy shit!  I think we already knew that, though.

School time again!  Mona’s pissed at/still in love with Noel, so Hanna decides to talk to Mona to make her feel better, but Mona don’t want none of that Hanna pity.  Mona goes over to Noel to give him back a necklace he gave her and Noel, being a grade-a douche, throws it in the trash.  In front of her.  Ouch.  Ouchies.  Mona runs off to the bathroom to cry and Hanna shows up to comfort her, telling her that Mona deserves better.  Mona says that Noel is a good liar, but she was “hypnotized” by his eyes.  Hanna tells them they’ll go out tonight and have fun.  Oh?  Is it Midnight Madness at Lucky Leon’s Cupcakes tonight?  I had no idea.  Oh, and after they leave, it turns out Jenna was in a stall, listening this whole time.

Aria’s in an empty classroom, AGAIN calling Ezra on the phone.  Wow, Aria, I have to say, I don’t know a lot about straight guys, but I know that the sure way to win one back is to call him every five minutes.  So keep at it.  I’m sure it’ll work out fine.  Aria says that they need to talk about their relationship.  Fantastic.  Another things straight guys love.  She tells him to meet her at some clock in some square.  And if he comes, “there’s still a chance for us.”  In his office, Ezra gets a message on his phone, notifying him of a voicemail.  Will he delete it?!  No.  He won’t.

Toby’s getting ready to do some construction on some rickety scaffolding that someone may or may not have messed with in an end credits sequence last week.  Will the scaffolding hold?  Nope.

“My only regret is that I wasn’t more bland AAAAAAAAA!!”

Wow, did you guys hear that obviously A.D.R.’d scream that they added?  It didn’t even sound like Toby.  It was like the Goofy yell.  Spencer gets a phone call.  I think it’s from Pizza Hut regarding her order for tomorrow, but it could be about Toby.

It was probably from Toby.  But maybe not.

“And they were like, ‘We don’t make taco pizza anymore,’ and I was all, ‘Then why did you take my order for it?’ and they were all, ‘I don’t know, but we don’t make it anymore,’ and then I was like, ‘Oh my god, I JUST had it the other day,’ and they were like, ‘Was it the Rosewood Pizza Hut?’ and then I was all, ‘Ohhhhhhhhhhh.’  Because I had it at the Pizza Hut in Bryn Mawr.  So.  What’s new with you?”

Spencer says she’s sorry about yesterday and keeping Toby from getting his stuff, but Toby says it wouldn’t have made a difference, because the scaffolding fell down.  The doctor comes in to check on Toby and it turns out it’s Wren, that British dude that Spencer made out with probably only because he was engaged to Melissa.  It’s awkward.  Wren says that Toby has a clean break but he has to spend the night due to a concussion.  Wow.  Toby with a concussion.  Now THAT’S excitement.  Toby, feeling the tension between Wren and Spencer, asks her if there’s something she needs to tell him.  But that pesky “A” interrupts with a message about how Toby won’t be so lucky next time.

Back at school, Hanna says that Jenna’s probably behind it, and Emily wonders that if Garrett and Jenna broke up, then how could she hurt Toby, her own stepbrother?  Aria’s all, “She must have found a replacement.”  What?  I don’t get it.

Back at the hospital, Jenna’s there to cheer Toby up with her sunshine-filled personality.  Or probably the opposite.  She tells him to stay away from Spencer because she’s bad news, bad news!  She tells Toby that he needs to be stronger, and no one knows Toby like Jenna does and he can’t be happy with Spencer because she’s “haunted.”  Jenna’s all, “We’re family.  Whether you like it or not.”  I’m guessing “not.”

Caleb shows up at Hanna’s house and says that he knows that the vids about Alison and asks if she thinks someone else killed Alison besides Ian.  Right?  Wasn’t Ian the one the police said killed her?  My god, I can’t even remember THAT anymore.  Caleb says he can protect her if she’ll only tell him the truth, but Hanna says she won’t because she’s afraid he’ll get harmed.  He tells her about his run-in with Garrett.  So, Hanna, being the rational human being that she is, takes the memory stick and puts it in the blender, telling Caleb that he’s no longer a part of it.

Em shows up at the hospital just as Jenna’s walking out, and they have a bit of a show down, with Jenna telling Em that everyone she gets close to gets hurt so she better drink a big mug of shut the f**k up.  Em’s all, Are you threatening me?  Jenna says she was just stating a fact.  Spencer’s coming up to see Toby and hears all of this.

Ella’s all snoopy about Aria’s date with Holden, wondering why they have to go to Philly for a date.  Okay, first of all, ELLA, you nosey parker, Aria says it’s not a date, and second of all, she wants Holden to be fully integrated back into American society.  He was in Portugal, for god’s sakes.  It’s not like he was in some backwater hellhole like Canada.  Geez.  They’re going to some Italian restaurant and Ella’s like, Oh remember when we went there on our way back from the cabin that I’m just now bringing up in conversation because most likely it will conveniently come up later?  Aria’s like, I used to like that cabin that I’m remembering even though you just brought it up for the first time, what happened with us not going up there anymore?  Apparently, Aria’s dad hated it and refuses to go back.  Ella insists on driving Aria to Philly.  Oh, that’s lame, why?  Perhaps because Aria was having a secret affair with her teacher.  Perhaps that’s why.

Back at the hospital, Emily is keeping a watch on Toby when she spies Spencer looking in at them through the window.  Spencer tells Emily that Jenna’s right — Toby’s a liability.  She then asks Emily for a favor, something that might be the only thing that will save Toby, but it will be unimaginably horrible.

“Oh, god, you want me to buy tickets to a Carrot Top concert, don’t you.”

After the break, we’re still at the hospital, and Toby is still asleep, being just as interesting and fascinating as he is when he’s awake.  He wakes when Emily shows up again, just in time for her to tell him that Spencer was seeing someone else before Toby, and while it wasn’t right and they broke it off, he’s back in the picture and they’re getting back together.  So, that’s it.  He asks Emily who it is, but she doesn’t say anything.

Ella drops Holden and Aria off at the restaurant and Holden asks if it bothers Aria to lie to her mom.  She says it does, but what she’s doing is important.  Which is good, because Holden says that what he’s doing is important too.  She’s like, Are you totally gaybo?  And he’s like, No, I’m not, but I have to go do whatever it is I’m doing when I’m allegedly dating you.  Hmmmmm . . .  Curiouser and curiouser.  Aria walks over to that big-ass clock to wait for Ezra.

Speaking of Ezra, he’s having a pow-wow with one of his students, who is pissed about a “B” on a paper.  I’m just going to say that Ezra is kind of a shitty teacher, because he gave the kid a lower grade (seemingly) because he just didn’t think the plot or concept was believable.  Basically, Ezra would have given Stephen King a “D” and he would have flunked the hell out of J.K. Rowling.  I bet he would have given Stephenie Meyer an “A,” though, because her writing really is poetic and flowing, and she is truly a master of the English language and all its nuances and she really knows how to craft a story and not manage to make it repetitive, misogynistic, and boring as shit.  Except the opposite of all that.  Blah blah blah the story is a metaphor for his relationship with Aria and true love and blah blah.  The kid leaves with this quote, “Be bold and something mighty will come to your aid.”  Seriously?  Lame.

Poor Aria is still waiting under the clock.  Some angst-y music plays.  Spencer’s looking out her window, as teenagers tend to do.  And also it’s raining.  Of course.

“No taco pizza my ass.  You broke my heart, Pizza Hut.  You broke my heart . . .”

Ezra finally listens to Aria’s message.  Aria’s still sitting on a bench, waiting for him.

Hanna’s in the kitchen, getting her Toby on (moping), and her mom shows up.  Hanna tells her about having a fight with Caleb, and then asks Ashley whether or not she ever kept secrets from her husband (you know, Hanna’s dad).  Ashley says that she did, including one time when she hated one of his paint jobs, and another time when a friend of Hanna’s dad made a pass at her.  Ashley didn’t tell him because she knew it would hurt him if she did.  Ashley asks if Hanna lied to Caleb, but Hanna just refuses to answer and goes out to meet Mona.

Toby asks Wren about what went on with him and Spencer.  He tells Toby that he kissed Spencer, but she told him it was over.  Toby’s not too happy with this.

Mona and Hanna are out and Mona’s ready to use her new fake i.d. to down a few purple hooters and forget all about Noel Kahn.  But that’ll be hard to do since they see him on a date with Jenna.  It sucks that Jenna’s blind and all, but that girl is a whore.  Hanna’s surprised to see the two of them together.  So is Mona, although she’s like 1000% more pissed, it looks like.

Hey, it’s been literally a minute since the last angst-y song montage, so let’s just have another.  Mopey Toby.  Mopey Aria.  Rain.  Some song about loving someone secretly and junk.  More mopey Aria.  More rain.  Ezra pulls up in his car.  Lame.  They kiss under the rain, thus giving impressionable 13 year-olds many reasons for incredibly ludicrous fan art.

Put a lid on it, kids.

What the f**k kind of dumbass quote is that?  Last night I had a dream that all my teeth fell out while I was on an escalator and then a bunch of horses ate them, so I’m pretty damn sure that my reality is better than my dreams.  Asinine kids.  More rain and kissing in the rain and me yelling “No, dammit!” at the TV.  In Ezra’s car, he tells Aria that what they’re doing is dangerous and he wants her to be happy, so she better be damn sure that she wants to go through with this.  Of course she does.  More kissing.  Ezra’s like, “We’re crazy.  You know that right?”  UM, YES.  I know that.  Ezra says it’ll be weird sneaking around and trying to keep things a secret, especially from Aria’s parents.  A mature reaction to that situation would be, “If that’s the case, then we probably shouldn’t be doing this, so I’ll smell ya later.”  But this is Ezra.  And Aria.  I’ve seen potatoes that were more mature than these two.  Aria says she has an idea.  I wonder what that idea could be.  Remember when Ella was talking about that cabin they used to have?  I’m not bringing that up for any specific reason, I just think it was a nice scene.  About the cabin.  That they used to have.  And still do.  But never use.  Cabin.  Never use.  Cabin.

Caleb tells Em and Spencer that Hanna destroyed the flash drive, but it’s cool, because he has a copy of the files and will keep working on them, as long as they keep it from Hanna.  Spencer doesn’t want to lie to Hanna and she doesn’t want to lie to Caleb.  Which is convenient, since Caleb wants answers.

Aria’s all smiles about her statutory glory with Ezra, but Holden’s not around when Ella comes to pick them up.  Ella asks where he is and Aria’s a little frozen and has a hard time explaining.

“We went to . . . the circus . . . after dinner . . . And Holden got . . . run over by . . . the clown car . . . So we went to the hospital . . . but they were out of . . . Band-Aids, so . . . we went to CVS to . . . get some . . . But then some . . . street artist . . . was selling . . . caricatures in front of CVS, so . . . Holden’s getting his caricature done . . . You look so pretty tonight, Mommy.”

Holden saves the day by coming back with some ice cream, saying that he went to go get dessert and got lost!  He even got some ice cream for Ella.  Smooth, Holden.  Smooth.

Later, at Spencer’s house (I think), Spencer tells Aria that they told Caleb all that they know.  Spencer has another copy of the video, and it continues.  Garrett’s about to tell us what’s in the box, when they hear Alison coming into the house.  Ian reveals the hidden camera to implicate Garrett and Jenna as well (blackmailing them too, natch) and Garrett’s pissed off.  Spencer says that maybe they can give the vid to the police and end everything.  They hear a noise outside — Toby’s truck is parked out front, but Toby’s not around.  He left the truck keys and a note for Spencer.  Spencer reads the note and says that Toby is gone.

Someone with a gloved hand has photos of all the PLL gals with their boyfriends and he/she cuts Ezra’s face off one of them and then puts it in a trash can fire.  He/she does the same with Toby’s photo.  Well, that was a waste of time in the photo lab.

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