Ready for another episode of the show that keeps on giving . . . everything except answers? Buckle up. It’s gonna be a bumpy night.
We open on some sort of pep rally in the halls of Rosewood High, or maybe it’s right before a swim meet. We didn’t have swimming at my school, but how in the hell is a girls’ swimming team eliciting this response from the student body? I’m glad people care, but damn. Is this the only sport at this school? Hanna and Caleb are on his laptop — he got a hotspot (insert lame joke) and says, “I am the wifi, coo-coo-kachoo.” Wow. I wonder how many 14 year-old girls and 14 year-old sexuality-questioning boys will get that joke? Probably none.
This, kids, is what Caleb is talking about.
I have to say, though, that I’m not a huge Beatles fan. I like a lot of their songs, but their songs and the band itself completely lack any sort of sexy vibe, and I find that a bit off-putting. But “Paperback Writer” is an effing kick-ass song. Aria tells Spencer that she told her mom she’d be studying at the library tonight, because she needed an excuse since tonight they’re going to meet “Vivian’s” friend. And I guess Spencer’s been staying with Aria for a week, since she can’t handle the thing with her dad and Jason (although she hasn’t told Aria about it). Then the swim team arrives and everyone has swim-team-gasm. I guess they won some big meet or regionals or maybe they just got new swim caps. I don’t know. Lame Maya is there with some lame sign she made in her lame house with some lame posterboard and lame markers. Lame. And then Garrett and his Puss-On Police Posse are there to ruin everyone’s fun. Apparently Garrett has a court order to confiscate Caleb’s laptop — someone was hacking into some school files and they traced the i.p. back to Caleb’s laptop.
“Um, there’s a lot of ‘Wizards of Waverly Place’ fan fiction on there because I let this . . . friend . . . borrow my laptop, soooooo . . . yeah.”
Hanna’s freaking out, but Caleb insists that no one can get into it. And then all the PLL phones go off and A’s like, “Now it’s Caleb’s turn.” Credits.
And we’re back. Hanna’s still fuh-reaking out but Caleb is all, I have flash drives and I email stuff and backup, but Hanna says that someone broke into his computer and put files on there so Caleb could find them and that person? Was probably Garrett. Wait, what? Four minutes in and I’m already confused. This might be a record, PLL. Hanna asks if Caleb gan get all hack-y and get into his computer remotely, which he can, of course.
“So I’m really worried that maybe Garrett is doing this just so he can sabotage HOLY CRAP IS THAT A CUPCAKE?!”
“Um, Hanna, no. It’s my Wizards of Waverly Place Trapper Keeper.”
Aria asks Holden why he went all kung fu on Noel last week (last night? Last month? 20 minutes ago? I have no idea with this show.). He does some Korean martial arts, apparently, and his parents hate him doing it so much that they forbid him from training. Um . . . seriously? Why would they do that? Why would they forbid their son from doing something so lame? The meds were “pain meds” and Holden “didn’t even use them.” Oh, okay, junkie. There’s a big tourney coming up that he can’t miss, so he implores Aria to keep up their ruse of dates. Right. So, when Holden comes back from the meet all bloody and bruised, what the hell are they going to say to Aria’s mom when she picks them up?
Back at Caleb’s Hack Shack, Caleb tries to log in with his super complicated password, but he can’t — either they haven’t turned on his computer (or something) or they’re keeping it offline.
Let’s see what the adults are up to: Seems that Ella is having drinks with Noreen (sweet jesus, who the hell is Noreen? Should I know her? Please, I beg of you — no more new characters.) which will be convenient since she has to drive Aria into The City for another date with Holden. Oh, but Byron hates Noreen, but that’s why Ella didn’t invite him. You know, Ella says, if Aria could take the train, it’d make things easier . . . Gah, but stupid Byron still thinks Aria needs to be punished for illicitly dating her English teacher and lying about it for months. Stupid dad rules!
Spencer stops at the DiLaurentis office on her walk home, but the door is locked. I think the DiLaurentis family is in construction or architecture or something. I don’t care. But then she spies Maya talking to Jason, so she loses her concentration. After Maya leaves, Spencer walks up to Jason and tells him that she hasn’t talked to her dad yet; Jason thinks that’s a bad idea and that he didn’t mean to come between Spencer and her dad (sure). He then tells her about finding Alison’s box in her room and inside there were letters from Jason’s mom to Spencer’s dad (including love letters). And $15,000 in cash. Spencer wonders where Alison got the money and then realizes that Alison was (perhaps) blackmailing Spencer’s dad. Something doesn’t sound right about this, at least not in my mind. I don’t think Alison did that.
At some coffee shop/diner, Aria sits alone, drinking coffee (of course), with a copy of Lolita on the table. Behind her, in another booth, sit the rest of the PLL gang. Some dude arrives and is all, “So. You’re a friend of Vivian’s. How much money does she owe you?” Apparently Vivian owes this dude money. And a job. This dude worked at Allegheny Cellular, in the human resources department! Oh my god! Do you guys know what this means?! Because I don’t. Turns out Vivian wanted some information from him and he’s like, “Oh, so you’re Alison.” Aria, like an idiot, doesn’t say she’s Alison (idiot), instead saying, “You know about Alison?” This is a talky scene, it’s kind of a pain in the ass to recap. Apparently, “Alison” was getting texts from someone and she wanted to know who was sending them. So . . . why go to the human resources guy? If you want some information about your 1040 tax form or Allegheny Cellular’s sexual harassment policy, go do this dude. For everything else, one should probably go to the i.t. guy. This guy did find out who was sending the texts, but won’t give the info without getting paid. Aria reaches into her purse, like, How much does she owe you? The guy’s all, “$2,000.” Ouch.
“I have a Rosewood High lunch card and half a stick of Freedent. That’s my final offer.”
Oh, and the price “could go up, depending on market conditions.” Nice. He gives her an alternate number to call and ask for “Jonah.” So, no pancakes, then?
The girls discuss that they really need to know who sent those text messages but how can they come up with the cash? I know! Spencer can pawn her sister’s wedding ring! Oh, wait, they already did that. And then. Nothing. Happened! I want repercussions!!
The next day (I guess), Caleb’s on the horn trying to get his laptop back, but the only way he can get it is if he cooperates. Aria calls Ezra (blargh) about them meeting tonight and Ezra suggests this French vegan place. It’s actually a cute conversation which would be even cuter if Aria wasn’t 16 and Ezra was a mature adult.
What’s up with these short scenes? Garrett’s in his police office trying to access Caleb’s computer, but that hot detective who slept with Hanna’s mom a million years ago tells him to shut it because it could connect to the wireless. Hot detective says there’s no luck and they may have to send it to Pittsburgh. Um, isn’t Philly a bigger city? And much closer? There are no i.t. experts there? Just a thought. Hot detective has some new news about Alison’s case and shows a photo to Garrett. What’s on the photo?!
Byron (Aria’s dad) is getting into his car when he notices a note. It’s from “A”. “A” is starting to infiltrate the parents?! Oh no!
“P.S. Can you order me a non-dairy creme brulee to go? Thanks.”
Vegan French food? You guys, that sounds horrible. For a country that has like 400 official cheeses, that sounds like a slap in the face. Merde, merde I say! Hmmmm. How did “A” know about that? Ezra is “A.” There. I said it.
Is there some sort of party? Because Hanna and her mom are making cookies and there are decorations. Hanna’s talking to her mom about Caleb’s protection but she can’t do anything about it and then Maya (blargh) shows up with fruit to give to Emily, who’s decorating outside. What’s with the party? Why does Maya exist? These are questions I want answered. Maya and Emily go to have a talk. Ashley comes back in to tell Hanna that the cops called and they have to go to the police station.
Up in Hanna/Emily’s room (they live together, in case you forgot) Maya says that her mom or dad found an old joint of hers, so she’s in mucho bisexualia trouble-ita. Maya says that her parents are going to ship her back to Camp Whack-a-Joint and Emily’s all, You can’t go, I won’t say goodbye to you again! Please say it, Emily. Please say it.
At the police station Hot Detective tells Ashley and Hanna that a page of Alison’s autopsy was stolen. They were looking into it, and they found this photo:
But then they decided that googling “drunk cat” wasn’t the best way to solve the case, so they searched some more, and found this photo:
Ohmigod look how cute! But then they sobered up and actually got on the case and found this:
Meh. Not as cute as the cats.
And not even half as drunk. Looks like Hanna’s headed up shit creek without a paddle. Or a raft.
As they’re walking out, Hanna tells her mom that they dressed up like candy stripers as a “joke” and they dared Spencer to go into the morgue — they didn’t know there were any files in there. Ashley’s all, Don’t bullshit me. Hanna says that they didn’t steal that piece of paper.
Aria’s getting ready for her date and Byron comes in asking where she and Holden are going. She says that they’re going to a “vintage” arcade with games like Pac-Man. Yeesh. I feel old. Oh, Byron. Be prepared to be crushed. After he leaves, Ella tells her that maybe it’s time for Aria and Holden to have dates closer to home. Aria says that Holden likes going into the city, because “there’s more than one restaurant.” Hee! I like to think that the writers read my recaps and that’s a shout-out to me. Because that’s what gets me by. I guess Holden’s mom is worried about him. Because of the heart condition. Oh, shit, you didn’t know about that, Aria? You didn’t know that Holden has a heart condition? Yeah, you didn’t. But lie to your mom and tell her you know about it anyway. There you go. The lies come so easily to you now, don’t they, Aria? So easily . . .
At Emily’s party, which Aria is missing because she’s THAT good of a friend, Spencer and Emily discuss Hanna’s having to go to the police station. When they get home, Hanna’s mom goes right upstairs (to watch some DVR’d Real Housewives and get drunk on merlot, I bet) and Hanna tells them what happened at the station. Hanna tells them that Hot Detective said that copies of Page 5 are missing, so Garrett probably stole them. And now he’ll look at the laptop and then Caleb will have to go to jail where they might shave his head! Spencer says that they need to talk to Jonah. Hanna’s all, Without 2,000 bones, good luck with that, smarty pants. Spencer says she’s gonna go home . . .
“Oh, hey, Emily — happy birthday or swim meet or yom kippur or whatever, see ya later.”
In Philly, Holden and Aria start to part ways but she asks him if the tournament he’s going to is dangerous, but Holden says it will be fine. “Epic,” even. Aria’s concerned. Concerned enough to lie? Probably.
At home, Spencer enters a dark house (of course) and spies her father’s Briefcase of Plot Development which holds his Checkbook of Convenience. Before she can steal it, though, Spencer’s dad comes home and says he’s glad she’s there. Spencer’s dad talks about how when he and Spencer’s mom were in law school, they were in Boston and I guess Jason’s parents lived close by. Spencer’s dad then made some bad decisions, like having an affair and knocking up a friend’s wife. They all moved away until the Di Laurentis’ moved back when Spencer was 5. Spencer wants to know why they came back, but he never asked. Spencer brings up the fact that Alison had letters from him along with a big pile of cash and Spencer’s dad is all, Whaaaaa I never gave anyone in that family any money.
Byron arrives at Le House of Paste (a.k.a. the vegan French restaurant) and waits for Aria to arrive.
Meanwhile, Emily’s quinceanera is going swimmingly, until Maya has to ruin everything by sulking on the stairway like some wide-eyed character that I hate and want to go away forever. Oh, Maya’s not in a party mood. She asks if they can “go some place,” and Emily’s like, “After the party? Sure.” Maya says she’s okay and tells Emily to go back to her friends and have fun. Really, Maya? You don’t want to spoil things yet again? Okay, then. I’ll just wait for you to throw a fit and be a complete bitch to Emily (AGAIN) in about 5 minutes.
At The Only Restaraunt In Rosewood, Spencer meets Jason to tell him what’s been going on with his dad. Who is also her dad. Jason says that his/her dad must be lying, cuz where else would Alison’s money come from? Jason throws a hissy and storms out.
Back at Emily’s party, Emily goes outside to find Maya lighting up a joint.
“Oh, I was just . . . lighting this . . . incense stick . . . because it smells bad . . . in my mouth.”
“Really? That’s your excuse? You couldn’t say that you have glaucoma and it’s medicinal?”
“Yeah, that . . . That would have been better . . .”
Ah. Another reason to hate Maya? I’ll take it. What kind of dumbass, who has already gone to rehab camp for drugs, would light up a joint at her g.d. girlfriend’s house and party? You suck, Maya. You suck ever so much. Hanna calls Caleb on the phone — he’s at the police station, ready to talk, but he’s in a bad spot and needs Hanna’s help immediately! No time for cupcakes!
Aria shocks me and acts like a rational, mature human being for once, as she arrives at Holden’s Karate Kid tournament. As she scopes out the competitors, she’s shocked at the violence, as well as the fact that no one is an over-aged immature English teacher. Maybe next time, Aria. She asks about his heart condition and he’s like, Get out, lame-o. He tells her that he has an abdominal aortic aneurysm. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that means he was born with a heart in his stomach. No? That’s not right? Fine. Holden says it means that his heart could rupture any time, whether he’s getting kicked in the chest at the tournament or getting kicked in the crotch at home. And of course, Holden’s all, I’m gonna live my life, dammit, because every damn moment is precious, dammit! Dammit! Aria says that it’s messed up that he’s not telling his parents about it. She does, however, recognize the irony of her telling someone about how lying is effed up, but it’s cool because neither she nor Ezra have a heart condition. Rationalize. Rationalize and lie, Aria Montgomery. Holden tells her to suck it and then goes to kick some ass.
Hot Detective is puttin’ the screws to Caleb. He’s gonna watch Caleb log into the laptop. Caleb asks Garrett if he’s sure that he wants him to show Detective Wilden (I finally looked up his name) what’s going on. Garrett tells him to bring it on.
Meanwhile, Hanna’s on her own computer, biting her nails while trying to log in remotely. Or waiting for Caleb to log on remotely. Whichever one is right. Spencer shows up (Hanna sent her an S.O.S. text) and Hanna fills her in: Unless they hack into Caleb’s computer and delete the files, Caleb will be in big, big trouble! Aaaaaaaa! And Hanna can’t remember the password! AAAAAAAAA!
Emily confronts Maya about lying to her AND doing drugs in the Marins’ house while her friends and teammates are there. Then Maya decides to throw a fit about Emily’s teammates. So, to reiterate:
“I lied to your face then blatantly did drugs at your party and now I hate all your friends!! I’m awesome!”
How could you not love her?! Go the hell away, Maya. Go the hell away with your druggy, penis-having boyfriends and never, EVER come back, you skank-ass harpy. Maya says that Emily’s better at fitting in and Emily says that they’ll work things out with Maya and her parents, but Maya’s running away to San Francisco. Emily says she can’t go with her and then Maya’s all, “Not even for me?” Oh, beyotch, what? Don’t act like you wouldn’t dump Emily’s ass for the first sailor or tattoo artist or biker chick or anything with boobs or a penis (or both) you saw. Don’t pull that shit. Just go away. Emily doesn’t reply and then Maya, because she’s a huge, spiteful, heinous bitch, is all, “No. You couldn’t. Not with THE TEAM counting on you.” Look, Emily’s not my favorite PLL gal (Hanna, holla!), but she’s a nice girl trying to make lemonade out of the shit she’s been dealt and she so doesn’t deserve to be talked to that way. So smell ya later, Maya. Smell ya later FOREVER.
Ezra’s walking to the restaurant when he gets a text from Aria saying she’s gonna have to “resched.” Also, why does the text come up as “unknown caller?” Is Aria using a different cell phone or something? I can’t remember. Nor do I want to. Ezra spies Aria’s dad through the restaurant window, craps his H&M pants, and then runs away. (Byron doesn’t see him.)
Back at Hanna’s, she and Spencer are trying to figure out Caleb’s password (he told Hanna his password earlier this episode, if I didn’t mention that before).
“Cupcakes!” “Hanna, I don’t think his password is ‘cupcakes.’” “No, I want you to go get me some.”
Hanna can’t think without her Lucky Leon fix! Okay, so Hanna tells her that Caleb’s password is made up of the first two letters of every city he’s lived in, plus some numbers and capital letters and stuff. But she can’t remember the numbers. Get her some cupcakes, Spencer!
There’s like two seconds of Holden’s fight club.
Caleb’s logged into his laptop and the cops are taking a look at it. Oh no! Hanna is trying to think of the right numbers, but time is running out and they only have one more try before they’re locked out of the system! Hanna finally thinks/guesses the right number! They’re in! But they really don’t know what to do next.
Holden’s fight is about as exciting as The Next Karate Kid starring Hilary Swank. Or any movie starring Hilary Swank, really. Fight! Fight! Fight!
The cops are staring at Caleb’s files. Hanna and Spencer are staring at Caleb’s files. Except they’re actually “A’s” files, because that beyotch put those school records on Caleb’s computer to trap him.
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Garrett and Wilden are going over each file. Spencer tells Hanna it’s taking too long and tells her to “Control-A!” Hanna: “What do you think I’m trying to do?!” Ehhhhhhhhhh that joke should have been left at the read-through, PLL writers. It’s kind of funny, but . . . no. Spencer: “No! Hit Control-A!” Hanna does this and then deletes all the files, which disappear in front of Wilden and Garrett’s eyes. Yay!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Holden wins. He and Aria have some chat afterwards and Aria says that he was great but he’s still an idiot. Aria gets a call from her dad; she tells him that they’re still at the arcade. Byron talks to Holden and then hangs up, probably trying to fight off the squirts from his vegan cheese plate.
Hanna and Caleb are reunited — turns out the last numbers in the password are the date of the night that Hanna and Caleb did it in a tent out in the woods. Hanna and Caleb are hugging and talking right in front of the police station, which is super-smart, so Garrett comes out and glares at them. Hanna wants to throw it in his face a little longer. Touche, Marin. Touche.
Spencer’s at home, not thinking about what happened to Melissa’s wedding ring, when she gets a knock at the door. It’s Jason, who wants to talk. They both apologize and it turns out that Jason admits that he wants Spencer’s dad to be the one Alison blackmailed because that would be easy. Spencer tells Jason that she knows why Alison needed the money — she was looking for someone she was afraid of. She can find out who, but she’ll need Jason’s trust. And $2,000.
Emily is calling Maya and trying to make things right. Emily, god, no! Ugh. I guess “A” is watching Emily from a window, probably thinking about how lame it is that Emily is calling Maya, considering Maya is a horrible person. Listen, if “A” thinks you’re a complete bitch, then sister? You’re a complete bitch.
Well that was another episode that gave us 17 questions and absolutely no answers. See you next week! Who knows? — maybe I’ll have the recap up in a timely fashion!
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