The girls are still hanging out in the creepy greenhouse. Why don’t they ever go to a well-lit area to talk about sinister things? There’s no 24 hour Dunkin Donuts in Rosewood? They’re still arguing about how Ian can’t have been texting Melissa because he’s “dead” when Hanna points out hilariously that “Zombies can’t text.” Wow, zombiephobic much, Hanna?
“Me want 2 eat ur brain, LMZAO.”
There’s more general freaking out about finding Ian and what his agenda is, and they finally leave the Creepy Greenhouse of Obvious Plot Development and start walking home, talking about how they aren’t supposed to be hanging out with each other any more. But wouldn’t you know it — their walking tour of Rosewood at night leads them right past Alison’s old house, where Jason has moved in. He’s throwing away a bunch of stuff that people left on the front steps of the house when Alison was missing, like photos and teddy bears and stuff. So, Jason saved this stuff when he moved away, then took it back with him when he moved back into the house, only to throw it away later. That’s kind of ridiculous, people. Oh, also, Jason’s played by an entirely different actor this season, one who looks nothing like the Jason of last year. So, there you go. Credits.
Hanna’s arguing with her mom about therapy, and it turns out that Hanna’s dad is coming back because of what’s going on with Hanna. Hanna is not enthused.
“That abandoning bastard better show up with cupcakes.”
Meanwhile, Emily’s mom is confiscating Emily’s phone! Duhn duhn duuuuuhhhhhhhhhn! Technically, Emily just has to leave it downstairs when she comes home but can still use it when she wants, so it’s not entirely life-shattering. Turns out that there’s a family who has agreed to lease their house for a year. And if that’s not enough bad news, Emily discovers that her computer has been wiped clean of all information.
“Um, what the eff happened to all my homemade Indigo Girls postcards?”
She calls Spencer to tell her about what happened and how she left her laptop on her desk and “A” could have just walked in with the real estate guy at any time to delete the files. After Spencer hangs up, Melissa comes in and shows Spencer a sonogram photo.
“So the mouth will cover 95% of the baby’s head, big deal. It’ll be fine!”
Melissa says she needs to rest as much as she can and Spencer offers to stay home with her, to “answer her phone and take messages.” Subtle. Melissa says she needs her phone in case the cops call about Ian.
At school, Aria and Ezra discuss Mr. Fitz’s last day, which is Friday. Friday. Gotta get down on Friday. Aria’s worried that Ezra won’t want to be her boyfriend any more once he leaves for the college. Which is a valid point, since the danger of having your teacher arrested for statutory rape and getting fired from his job, never able to teach again is such a MAJOR turn-on. It’d be a shame to give that up. Ezra says that just because he’s leaving, it doesn’t mean that he won’t still want to tap that. Aria agrees to come by tomorrow so they can talk it out.
In the hallway, Mona stops Aria to ask her if she can pick out a going-away gift for Ezra, since she “knows him better.” Oh, dip! Then she adds, “From the play.” Oh, thank god. Mona doesn’t know about Aria and Ezra. Or Ezria as the PLL folks on Twitter like to call them, much to my annoyance. Mona also wants to talk about Hanna, but Aria tells Mona that she’s on her own with that because of what’s going on with their parents not wanting the girls to hang out any more.
The girls discuss that they no longer have the video evidence and wonder why Jason’s back in the old house. When it comes time to sit down, they realize that they aren’t able to sit together, and while Hanna thinks they need to stick together, none of the other girls think it’s a good idea. Mona wants Hanna to sit next to her, but Hanna totally snubs her and sits somewhere else. And of course all the girls get a text from “A” that reads: “Look at you, all alone in a crowd. I win! Xoxo- A.” Is “A” Gossip Girl as well?! Because that would be awesome.
Spencer’s sitting at an outside table (kudos to the prop department for throwing a handful of fake dead leaves on the ground) when who should pop up but Toby. Turns out he came in for some paperwork — he’s not coming back to school, he just needed some G.E.D. info. Spencer wants him to come back to school, but he doesn’t really want to do that. Really? Is Toby anti-social or something? What’s that you say? He is? He’s painfully socially awkward? Huh. I did not pick up on that at all. Toby got a job with a construction company so he can save money and get the eff out of Dodge. But Spencer’s all, What about me, you don’t want to stick around for me? Toby says that he might. Or something. I don’t know.
The point is, Toby got a free t-shirt from the construction company.
Em’s at a swim meet and she wins! Yay! Samara (remember her? The prep school girl? The third lesbian that Emily dated in, like, a month?) congratulates her after the meet and asks her out for a movie and dinner tomorrow night. Emily’s a little hesitant because she’s moving and she “doesn’t want to start anything that [she] can’t finish.” Uh-huh. Tell that to Maya. And Paige. Samara tells her that it’s just a movie and nothing else, so she shouldn’t make it a big deal, and Emily agrees to go out with her. Some dude named Ken comes up to Emily and tells her that he’s from Danby University and he’s checking out the swim talent. From what I hear, Danby is the best fictional college with the best fictional swim team in this fictional region, so this is a big deal. Fictionally. Ken tells Emily to call him so they talk about the swim program.
Spencer’s putting some brownies on a plate to give to Jason, and she asks Melissa about how Ian and Jason used to be friends. Melissa says that Jason isn’t someone to be trusted and gets mad at Spencer for bringing up Ian. Geez, pregnant women are touchy.
Hanna’s dad is back to judge her and her decisions. Ashley (Hanna’s mom) tells Tom (Hanna’s dad) that she’s only talked to the shrink on the phone, but thinks separating the girls is a good idea. Tom says that they’ll take whatever steps they need to take — he’ll even stick around for a couple days. Wow, a whole couple days? That’s good parenting. Ashley asks if he was planning on sticking around even before he knew about all the problems, and he says that indeed he was. Ashley asks him to open a bottle of wine.
Emily is packing a bunch of stuff in some boxes when her mom comes up to say that someone broke into their garage and stole some camping stuff. That’s basically it.
Spencer goes over to Jason’s house to give him the brownies. There’s some dog digging in the yard and Jason runs out and throws a newspaper at the dog. I suppose this is supposed to be ominous, since the music playing in the background is ominous as well, but come on. Brownies! Tiny dog! Suspense! Season 2 Totally Not Different At All Jason thanks Spencer for the brownies and tells her that Jason’s parents won’t be coming back for a long time. Jason says he read about what happened and that he has a lot of questions.
Questions like, “Why hasn’t anyone noticed that I’m a completely different actor?”
Seriously. He doesn’t even look remotely the same as season 1 Jason. Anyway, Jason-Not-Jason asks Spencer if Ian admitted to killing Alison, if he actually confessed. Spencer says that she thinks he did and Ian wanted people to believe that she killed Alison (that she pushed Alison and it was an accident that she died). Jason asks if Ian specifically said, “I killed Alison,” but Spencer says that he didn’t, and Jason then ends the conversation.
Flashback time! Spencer flashes back to a time when they were all in Alison’s yard and Jason yelled at Alison for being in his room and messing with his “stuff.” I guess Alison stole one of his “Japanese cartoon porn books.”
“It was totally consensual.”
And then she hid it in one of her hiding places that she had “all over the house” and in the yard. Alison says that when she hides something “it stays hidden” until she wants it found. End of flashback. Spencer heads home.
Ken’s talking to Emily at school, telling her that she’s a great candidate for a scholarship, which gets Emily really excited.
“I’m also a lesbian and I may be Latina or something, is that good for anything else?!”
Ken’s not so enthused with what he’s hearing about Emily moving to a different district in Texas — Rosewood’s rated so high that anywhere else she goes would be “a step down.” What? Texas is a step down from something? That’s news to me. Except, not. Emily is all, Oh that was just talk and I’m totally staying here and finishing school! Uh-oh, Em. You know what happens to pretty little liars like yourself . . .
Spencer’s parked on the street, watching Toby do some construction-y things while “Add My Effort” by The Weepies plays in the background. Yay! I love The Weepies! The boss hands Toby an envelope and Toby looks sad. Well, sadder than usual, I guess. It’s hard to tell with Toby. He looks okay with a tool belt, though. He walks over to Spencer and tells her that the owners of the house didn’t want Toby working on it, because of Toby’s reputation. If only the owners would spend 2 minutes with Toby, they’d realize he’s too boring to be of any danger to anyone. Spencer’s rightfully angry at the boss, but Toby tells her to forget about it and walks away.
Aria is at Ezra’s apartment, but you know who’s not there? (Besides Betty Applewhite, I mean.) Ezra. He’s having a one-on-one with the department head in a few minutes and is running late. Aria tells him over the phone that he knew about the meeting when he scheduled to meet with her, and Ezra says that he’ll come over right after. Aria says she’ll wait. I’m totally on Aria’s side, since Ezra has a FULL TIME JOB and Aria’s just a high school student with no responsibilities and nothing but time on her hands. I mean, how DARE Ezra meet with his boss instead of going home and talking about his relationship for the seventeenth time?! Where are his priorities?! Aria puts the diploma from last episode back on his desk.
Emily’s telling her mom about what Ken said, emphasizing the part about how if she moves, she probably won’t get the scholarship. Which doesn’t fully make sense to me. It’s basically saying, “Hey, you’re a great swimmer, but if you move to a different state, you’ll totally start sucking.” Emily’s mom says that she’ll talk to Emily’s dad because it’s definitely something to think about, but she needs some sort of commitment from the university. Wait, are they seniors? I thought they were juniors last season, and since this season takes place the same year, they’re still juniors, right? I don’t know. And I kind of don’t care.
Aria calls Spencer because she’s been waiting for over an hour and wants some advice. Aria thinks that Spencer has this “great internal clock” when it comes to waiting for phone calls, asking for something from her parents . . . and “when you should break up with somebody.” Oh no! Aria even calls Spencer the “master of time,” which is a completely ridiculous thing to say. Spencer hears a knock on the door and says she’ll call Aria later.
Toby’s at the door, of course. He asks her if she can go out with him.
“They just opened a new furniture store downtown. Wanna go with me and wait in the car while I glare at it?”
Aria’s still waiting for Ezra at his apartment as “Can’t Go Back Now” by The Weepies plays in the background. Yay! More Weepies! She gets a text from Ezra asking her to please keep waiting.
Mona calls Hanna’s house phone and leaves a message saying that she’s sorry and telling Hanna to call her. Tom (Hanna’s dad) tells her that not seeing her friends is for the best. Hanna is all, You ever notice that the only time I see you is when I’m in trouble? She asks him if this is something she should bring up in therapy. Tom gives the lame-ass “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology, which is one of the things I most hate to hear, second only to Justin Bieber’s singing voice. And speaking voice. And his hair. And clothes. And his body. And probably the way he smells (I’m guessing he smells like marshmallows and promises). I do love saying that phrase, though. It just feels right. Hanna tells him not to apologize because it doesn’t mean anything to her. She says that he told her that even though he and Ashley were getting divorced, that it didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be his daughter, but now, he has a whole new family. She considers that a lie, so she doesn’t turst him. He says he was telling himself that he was doing everything for the best, but he can’t forgive himself for leaving her behind, even though he had good intentions. I’m wondering how a schlub like him ended up bagging a hottie like Ashley.
Aria is still waiting for Ezra. Why, exactly? I would have split a long time ago. Like when I found out he was my freaking teacher. Also, Ezra apparently kept those bags that Aria made to put over their heads last season, so they could take a picture together. They may have been cute then, but now they’re just creepy.
Nothing screams “serial killer” like creepy paper-bag-masks just laying around your date’s apartment.
She finally leaves a note for Ezra on his hipster old-school typewriter.
“P.S. I ate all your Triscuits. P.P.S. And all of your hummus.”
Samara and Emily are at the movies; Emily is telling Samara about the scholarship to Danby and stuff. Emily looks a little forlorn because she went to the theater with Maya once. Samara says that “ghosts of first girlfriends make big competition.”
They also make for incredibly, horribly, mind-numbingly shitty movies.
Seriously, that movie is a heinous affront to American decency. Anyway, Samara also had a first love and she blahs to Emily about it for a minute or two.
Mona’s at The Only Restaurant In Rosewood, looking all gloomy, when Hanna arrives, asking her if she’s waiting for Noel Kahn. Mona says that she’s by herself and tells Hanna that she’s actually dating Noel. Hanna tells her to be careful and then tells Mona that she understands why Mona did what she did and she forgives her. Mona says that no one’s ever forgiven her before, which is kind of sad.
Toby and Spencer drove to a spot to talk. In the woods. In the dark. Toby asks her why she didn’t tell him about what’s been going on. They’re at an overlook, looking down at the city lights of Rosewood. I’m pretty sure this phenomenon exists only in tv and movies, because I’ve never seen it. Then again, I grew up in Kansas, which is virtually completely devoid of anything resembling even a hill.
Evidence: Mt. Sunflower. The highest — and saddest — point in Kansas.
Toby says that the city is like “one of those collective mind creatures in the movies. One with a really long memory.” Um . . . sure, Toby . . . Sure. I’m not sure if Toby would be cute enough for me to ignore that last sentence, because that was just the damndest, weirdest thing to say in the history of language. Spencer says Rosewood is not a monster, and Toby says that it DOES have monsters in it. Spencer asks him if she should call the cops and tell them that Ian’s been texting Melissa, but Toby says the cops probably won’t believe them or do anything.
Aria’s decided to go over to Spencer’s house, but she notices that one of the door’s windows have been smashed open from the outside. Instead of being rational in any way, shape, or form — calling the police, calling Spencer’s cell phone, just getting the fuck out of there — Aria actually opens the door and freaking walks inside, yelling for Spencer. To wit: She sees the house has been broken into, she ENTERS the house, and then YELLS for Spencer. And of course, the person who broke into the house runs downstairs and shoves Aria violently into an end table before running out the door.
“I am supremely shocked that I am being attacked given that there were absolutely no warning signs that something was amiss in the house.”
Later, Spencer’s home and Aria’s taking care of her minimal wounds. Spencer says that it’s scary that “A” can just break into their homes, and Aria mentions that Emily’s garage was broken into and some camping gear was stolen, and that there’s been break-ins all over the neighborhood. Spencer wonders what “A” would want with camping gear, and then is all, Maybe it’s not “A,” maybe it’s someone on the run who needs camping gear. Like Ian! Spencer wonders what Ian would want from her house, and Aria’s like, “You?” Oh, dip! Where the heck is Ian?! This is genuinely bugging me!! AAHHHHH!
It’s a dark and stormy day, but Emily’s all sunshine as she’s talking with Ken, saying that her parents are cool with it as long as she gets a letter from him stating that she’s definitely in at Danby. He says that he can’t offer anything in writing — it was all theoretical and would probably happen, but he can’t make any promises. Which I call total bullshit on. Colleges do that kind of crap all the time. He says he can write a letter about their intentions, but that’s the best he can do.
Aria picked out a copy of “To Kill a Mockingbird” for the class to give to Ezra for his last day. He gives this speech about connecting with the class and feeling loss. Yeah, if I left high school to teach for college, I’d be all, “Smell ya later, you dumbass punks.” Mostly, Fitz’s speech is actually a metaphor for his relationship with Aria, I guess. Later, Aria sits by herself in the cafeteria for a bit, until she gets up and runs (in slow-motion) to Mr. Fitz’s classroom . . . but he’s not there. Oh, hey, the rain’s stopped and the sun is suddenly shining. Maybe you should look out the window, Aria. There you go. In slow-motion (still), Aria runs outside in the sunshine and she and Ezra have this really passionate kiss. It’s supposed to be romantic, and it kind of is, but mostly, this is what I’m thinking: “You’re in THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! IN THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT!!! He JUST stopped being your teacher like an hour ago!! THIS IS NOT OKAY! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!” It’s just incredibly stupid of them.
Spencer’s back at home, where Melissa’s reading in front of the fire, telling Spencer that she never left the house. Ah, but Spencer sees Melissa’s raincoat — which is wet and has dripped all over the floor. And what’s in Melissa’s raincoat pocket? The sonogram photo. The girls all meet in the Creepy Greenhouse of Plot Development, where Spencer tells them that she checked under Melissa’s car and the pavement was still dry, so she couldn’t have driven anywhere and therefore couldn’t have gone far. They all agree that she was probably seeing Ian and agree that they have to keep seeing each other.
As they’re walking back home or whatever, they spy some tarp covering something in Jason’s yard. He comes out and tells them that he’s putting up a fence for privacy and security. They head for home, discussing the fence and what it will keep out. “Keep out, or keep in?” Aria adds. That’s deep. Think about it, won’t you? I know I will.
End credits “A” sequence: The same dog is digging something up, and “A” whistles for it. “A” starts petting the dog with gloved hands, and I’m really nervous that “A” is going to just break the dog’s neck, but it never happens. Although, I’m sure the dog will turn up dead next week or something. So you’ve got THAT to look forward to.