Pretty Little Liars: The Mourning After

Nothing could top last week’s over-the-top episode of Pretty Little Liars. And while this week’s installment was noticeably slower-paced, it was still an intriguing, valiant effort.

We pick up right where we left off, with the girls trying to find Lezzy and save her from the supposedly evil Toby. Buggy calls her phone one more time, and of course, they find the phone deserted in the hallway, outside of the trashed Chemistry lab. Blondie freaks when she sees blood on the floor, and assumes that A) Lezzy has been savagely murdered, or B) Lezzy was just having a heavy flow day. Either way, it’s not pretty!

Clean up on aisle seven!

Cut to Toby speeding along in his truck, his face bleeding from where Lezzy cut him. He pulls up outside of an Emergency Room, and the camera pans to his backseat, where Lezzy is lying unconscious, with a matching blood schmear on her head. Where did THAT come from?!

Let’s just hope she doesn’t wake up preggers!

The next morning, Lezzy is sitting safely in bed, save for a small cut on her head a tragic Ace bandage on her wrist, while Buggy and Schnoz catch her up to speed on Toby’s psychiatric file and the whole incest drama. Lezzy refuses to believe that Toby is Alison’s killer, namely because he dropped her off at the ER instead of killing her last night when he had the chance.

Downstairs, Lezzy’s mom is talking to the police. She seems less concerned about her daughter’s safety, and more distraught over the fact that Lezzy went to the dance with town looney Toby instead of her abusive ex, Ben. PS, I love that Lezzy is Hawaiian, and yet the show cast some Spanish mami to play her mother. NICE. Anyways, the police just want to verify Lezzy’s statement that she “tripped” at the dance. Mami insists that her daughter doesn’t lie. The cop looks at her like she was born yesterday. “Ma’am, everybody lies.”

Dios mio! Was there a mixup at the hospital?

Blondie sneaks upstairs for the girls’ powwow with Toby’s file under her shirt. She’s annoyed cuz she tried to return it, but the therapist’s office was crawling with cops, and she’s already got two strikes against her. Buggy tells her to hide it in her locker for just a few days more. Buggy and Schnoz peace out, and Lezzy demands to know why Blondie thought she was into Maya. Blondie confesses that “A” sent her a pic of the two girls smooching, and she supports Lezzy’s choice to date whoever she wants. Leezy bemoans having to be the perfect daughter for her uptight parents.

Where’s the “More You Know” shooting star when you need it?

Schnoz finds her blue collar beau Alex filling in for the fired kitchen staff at the country club. She tries to apologize for disappearing at the dance and for whatever nasty lies her sister told him. Some bitchy co-worker named Stephanie tries to hustle Schnoz out of the kitchen for violating like, a million health codes, but Alex comes to her defense.

Is this doofus really worth fighting for?

Buggy leaves Fitzy a message on his home phone, since she can’t seem to reach him on his cell. Her mom comes in with a box of flowers. Thinking they are from her beloved Fitzy, Buggy tears open the card, and is horrified to read: “Thanks for keeping me company last night. -Sean” HA! I knew there was some weird electricity between them on the dance floor!! What a diabolically delicious twist! Things are gonna get a whole lot messier before they get better!

This is the face that Mami’s gonna make when Lezzy comes out to her.

Lezzy wakes from her delirium to find a snarling German Shepard barking at her bedside. Then she groggily spots Jenna in the doorway, and her mom holding a plate of cookies. Turns out Jenna and her vicious guide dog decided to pay a visit. “Jenna and her mom baked you some cookies!” her mom tells her. “They taste even better with milk,” Jenna intones, a blatant hint for Mami to make herself scarce and go scrounge up some leche.

Oh, shit! I think all we have is some horchata!

As soon as they are alone, Jenna cuts the crap and tells Lezzy she’s worried about Toby. She begs Lezzy to get the file back from her friends and return it to her, lest it fall into the wrong hands. “You owe me that much,” she threatens.

At school, Lucas is drooling over his yearbook photos of Blondie, when she appears behind him, ready for the makeup photos of her and Sean being crowned the Homecoming king and queen. Lucas pays Blondie a compliment, but it goes right over her pretty little head, and she gets distracted by the cheap, sparkly tiara she gets to wear. Sean shows up, eager to get this over with so he can go play basketball with his hot, sweaty teammates. Blondie’s cell phone rings with a call from Lezzy. “Go ahead. Answer it. I’m sure it’ someone that pulls rank over me,” Sean says like a total dick, and Blondie ignores both him and the call. Sean is so repulsed by Blondie (and possibly all women) that he can barely stand next to her without gagging. Sean quickly loses his cool and storms out.

The “happy” couple.

At home, Lezzy is getting a tongue-lashing (not the kind she wants!) from her Mami, who despises her involvement with Toby. She thinks Toby is a messed up thug, and all she cares about is what the neighbors will think of them. Suddenly, the pressure that Lezzy feels to maintain appearances comes into sharp focus, and my heart goes out to her. Way to go, ABC Family!!

Buggy takes time out of her busy flower-sniffing schedule for a heart-to-heart with her dad, Byron about his crumbling marriage. Ella thinks they need some time apart, so he’s gonna move out. “Cuz it’s easier to walk away than to fight for what you really want,” Buggy sniffs bitterly, spoken like a true child of divorce. Her dad plays the old “you’re young and don’t understand” card, which infuriates Buggy, and she storms out.

It’s not as iconic as the mascara running down LC’s cheek, but still poignant!

Lezzy tries to text Schnoz, but she and Buggy are too busy chasing Blondie through the woods. Blondie desperately wants to be rid of Toby’s file, and she is determined to burn the evidence of her crime. She doesn’t exactly want a third strike on her record after stealing a pair of sunglasses and Sean’s car, and I can hardly blame her!! They come to a river (okay, random!) and Schnoz grabs the file, insisting that they turn it over to the police so they can build a case against Toby, who she suspects is “A.” Buggy can’t stand all the fighting, and in one foul swoop, she grabs the file from Schnoz and throws it into the river! (Sadly, there’s a huge continuity problem, as she throws the file in one direction, and in the next shot, the pages of the file are raining down over the river from the other direction! Oops! Atleast it looked pretty!)

Pretty Little Litterers!

Buggy says it’s over and done with, but you just KNOW those water-logged pages aren’t going away THAT easily. (Not if “A” can help it!) Just as they’re leaving, Buggy gets a text from Lezzy, telling her NOT to destroy the file under any circumstances.

Oopsy daisy!

At school the next day, Lezzy is crushed when Maya ignores her in the hall. (Make up your mind, Lez!) And Schnoz is hurt that Alex cited work as the reason he had to cancel their date when she knows for a fact that the club is closed on Mondays.

Buggy stops by Fitzy’s classroom, and is disappointed to learn from the substitute teacher, Ms. Shepard, that he’ll be out indefinitely. Side note for all of you fans: the substitute teacher is actually a cameo appearance by Sara Shepard, the author of the Pretty Little Liars novels, of which the show is based!

You should be reading MY novels, instead of this Madame Bovary crap!

Jenna tries her best to shake Lezzy down for the file, but Lezzy tells her that the file is gone. “What do you mean gone?” Jenna asks, and Lezzy looks at her like she’s blind AND deaf. Just what I said, you dumb bitch! GONE! Jenna hopes that Lezzy isn’t lying to her.

Schnoz is surprised to find Alex working in the kitchen after school. “You thought I was lying?” he asks. Pretty much, son! He tells her that he’s making time and a half to make fruit kabobs for some breakfast meeting the next day. Schnoz feels like an idiot for not believing him, so she dons a hair net and offers to help.

I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to go over your hair, not your eyes, sweetie!

Sean catches up with Buggy, and asks her if she likes the flowers he got her. “Yeahhhh, don’t ever do that again!” she hisses, and admonishes him for sending flowers to one of his girlfriend’s best friends as a cheap ploy to piss her off, when it’s obvious how much he still cares for her. Wait, obvious? Really?! Their convo is cut short by Buggy’s brother Mike, who is taking out his aggression over his parents’ impending divorce by beating up some random classmate. Buggy and Sean try to break up the fight, but Mike just snaps at Buggy and pushes past her.

Lucas tries to woo Blondie with some “HIGHlarious” youtube clips, then apologizes when his hand happens to graze hers. She says it’s ok now that “the leprocy has cleared up.” LOL. Lucas admits he used to be scared of her and her posse, especially witchy Alison who he calls “pure evil.” Lucas can’t understand why Blondie would ever be friends with someone like that.

Could Lucas be “A”? Naw! Total red herring!

Schnoz goes snooping in the pantry, and finds a defiled photo of her on the disgruntled staff’s “Bitch Board.” LOL. Alex says it’s just a silly way for the staff to blow off steam. Schnoz seems genuinely hurt by the great divide between queen bees and worker bees, and storms out. OMG. Get over yourself, Richie Rich Bitch!

The artist really did a great job capturing her horns and goatee!

Lezzy finds Maya and tells her that she’s finally ready to give their relationship a chance. Maya asks what changed, and Lezzy says she’s trying this whole new thing where she’s being honest with herself. Hmm. Trite. But I like the message!

Byron and Ella are forced to confront each other when the school calls them about Mike’s recent behavior problems. Byron doesn’t want to move out when his children need both their parents. “Well, I don’t want you to stay!” Ella hisses back.

I’d be pissed too if I looked that bloated in close-up.

Meanwhile, Buggy uses a spare key to break into Fitzy’s apartment, and just happens to hear a message on his answering machine from another school about a job interview! How dare he?! LOL.

Sean comes over to Blondie’s house to deliver her some homework assignment, and they have a brief moment of cuteness before he reverts back into douche mode.

Schnoz returns to the kitchen with her tail between her legs, and finds Alex cooking to the oldies. I BURST out laughing watching his “dance moves” as he grilled up some veggies. Even Schnoz has to stifle a laugh. Alex kisses her hand, and suddenly their are salsa dancing in the middle of the kitchen to some cheesy Latino boy band single called “Siempre Tu.” Not only was their ass shaking and a steamy kiss, but there was a full on slow-motion twirl and dip! My laughter was so raucous I thought I was going to piss my pants! This has to be THE CHEESIEST scene of the entire series so far!

Please pass the barf bag!

The show ended with another weak montage, which featured Buggy having a spat with her brother, Lezzy driving past Toby’s house where his wrecked motorcycle had been retrieved by the police and Jenna was sobbing uncontrollably, Byron saying goodbye to Ella as she packed up and drove away, and then the girls getting yet another taunting text message which read: “Thanks for getting Toby out of my way. -A”

That’s right, bitch!  ”A” isn’t done with you yet!

At the very end, a gloved hand carefully fished the water-soaked pages of Toby’s file out of the river!!! (Kinda obvi, but still!) Dun dun dun!!

These girls should be shot for littering!

What will “A” do next? What happened to Toby? And where is Fitzy? Leave your comments!!