Pretty Little Liars: The Thing Thing

What up, my little cupcakes?  Are you ready for the (summer) season premiere PLL recap?  Yeah.  You are.  First off, a little logistics:  Because my job needs me to be available any time, I’ll sometimes miss seeing PLL on Tuesday nights (like this week, for instance).  And I don’t have DVR.  Flipit and I agreed that no one else should do the minicaps, so just so you know, the minicaps will be sporadic at best.  Okay, so you’ve forgotten the names of most of the 50 characters of this show, it’s no big deal.  I’ll fill you in as we go along.  Recap ahoy!

There’s a short segment about what happened previously on PLL — a “recap,” if you will — so here’s the skinny:  Ian was recording the girls (ew); Jenna was seducing Toby, her stepbrother (ew); Grant (the cop) and Jenna were in cahoots; Aria found out about Fitz’s age-appropriate ex, Jackie; Hanna found out that Caleb was spying on her and then Mona ripped up the letter Caleb wrote to Hanna; Emily’s going to have to move to Texas for a year; Spencer and Toby were going out; and then of course Ian was going to kill Spencer, but he ended up being killed by (possibly) “A” . . . or did he?  Cuz his body kind of wasn’t there when the cops arrived.  Caught up?  Good.

“And totally stay tuned for the world premiere of The Nine Lives of Chloe King after this, bitches. — A.”

Anyone see the promos for that show?  It looks kind of terrible.  Back in Rosewood, it’s the same night, and the gals are discussing how Ian should probably be there since he’s, you know, dead and all.  Or is he?!  Probably not.  They seem to think that he’s really dead and someone moved the body, and no one brings up the idea that Ian could be alive and he just walked out on his own.  Grant the cop tells the gals that he’s going to take them down to the station, which I totally believe since Grant is a complete lying sack of smelly turds.

And, of course, Grant takes them to the back alley between Rape St. and Assault Ave.  But Grant doesn’t try anything funny — he just tells them that the police can’t know that they were blackmailing Ian and that he helped them out, and they need to hide the videos from the cops.  They all agree.  Oh, but someone’s watching in the distance.

Well, not WATCHING, but . . . you know.

Credits!

Why do I always want to sing, “Got a rocket in your pocket” instead of “locket in your pocket?”  Because I’m dirty, that’s why.

The girls had a sleepover at Spencer’s house, just like the ones you used to have.  Oh, I miss sleepovers — popcorn, pizza, makeovers, and gabbing about how my brother-in-law tried to kill me.  Good times.  Good, innocent times.  The girls are grateful that “A” killed Ian (again, ladies, he’s probably not dead.  You may want to look into that theory.), but they’re sort of skeptical of “A’s” motives.  Ya think?  Geez.  They don’t know what “A” is going to ask for now and Spencer says that “A” was dressed in all black so she couldn’t really see what “A” looked like.  Emily says that maybe it’s time to tell someone about “A.”  Unless that “someone” is Jesus, and you’re telling Him during your nightly prayers, I don’t think that’s a safe thing to do, Em.  Spencer agrees, since “A” would probably want some sweet revenge-y justice if they did that.

ABC Family doesn’t care about Spencer, they just want you to know that THE NINE LIVES OF CHLOE KING’S WORLD PREMIERE IS NEXT.

Hey, is there a new show about a girl named Chloe?  I’d be interested in seeing that, but I have no idea what channel it’s on or when the world premiere is going to air.  The others tell Emily that they have a lot to lose if “A” finds out they told anyone.  They all need some coffee, since it’s been roughly 12 minutes since their last latte.  No one wants Spencer to make the coffee because she makes it too strong.  Hee.

Downstairs, literally the entire adult cast is waiting for the girls.

“We drank all the coffee.  And we want a spinoff.”

Spencer’s mom (Veronica, I guess) is all, So Spencer is still a “person of interest” in Alison’s murder and now all of you are like, totally effed now, and you think Ian killed her and you’re obsessed so you should go to a therapist.  I’m just going to say that even without the whole Ian/Alison/Jenna thing, these kids would still need some serious therapy.  The girls still insist that Ian is dead and someone moved the body, to which all the parents are like, Uh huh sure okay.  Suddenly, someone knocks on the door!  Who could it be?!

OHMIGOD!  Wait . . . wrong show, Betty.

That Betty Applewhite is one crafty lady.  No, the person at the door is Toby.  Spencer’s dad gets his 2 minutes of dialogue for the season and tells the Tobster that he can’t see Spencer any more because he has a “reputation.”  Nooooooooo!!  Meh, I’m actually okay with that.

“Fine.  If you need me, I’ll be outside. . . Glaring . . . at a tree, I guess.”

Spencer goes upstairs in a huff, and the gang follows.

At night, Jenna and Grant are watching some guy named Jason as he moves back into a house (well, Jenna’s not “watching,” per se . . .).  We don’t get to see Jason — just his shadow against the window as he’s placing things in his room.  Probably unicorns.  He probably has a crystal unicorn collection.  Grant’s all, “If anyone finds out about the Jason Thing . . . ” Jenna says that they won’t let that happen.  So, now there’s a Jason, and another Thing. Yay, great — another character to keep track of!  And what’s up with all the Things?

At school, Ella (Aria’s mom) tells her that she’s going to move back into the house with her family.  Yay!  I guess.  So far you guys, this episode is kind of lackluster, if you ask me.  The PLL Gang heads into class and sees a hangman game on the chalkboard.

But thanks to the overly obnoxious ads on ABC Family, I can’t figure out what the hell is written there.

But I sure as hell know that I’m watching Pretty Little Liars now!  Mr. Fitz comes in to start class, and I’m assuming that he is finishing out the school year before he starts working at the college.  Either that, or the writers have completely disregarded that plot point, a trait they most likely learned from watching this past season of Desperate Housewives.  Oh, I guess the hangman thing was supposed to say “Liars.”  All of a sudden, someone arrives at the door and asks Mr. Fitz if he needs help.  Turns out this mystery man is . . .

Noel Kahn, one of the 4,563 characters who just left and never came back last season.

Apparently he was suspended, but I can’t remember what for, exactly.  I remember him trying to blackmail Aria, but why the suspension?  Did he punch someone?  Did he not sell enough band candy?  Did he drop one too many deuces in the men’s room urinal?  I cannot remember.  Eh, doesn’t matter.  Point is, douche-y Noel Kahn is back with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.  Also, was he this cute last time?

Some girls are gossiping about the PLL Gang while Hanna goes to her locker.  Luckily, Mona is there to be bitchy and tell them that they’re pathetic.  Hanna wishes that things could be “easy” again, like they used to be.  Meanwhile, Spencer and Aria talk about how Noel came back from suspension even more popular than before, only to be interrupted by Ezra calling Aria in for a conference about her “paper,” which I do believe is code for “underage vagina.”  Yeah, sorry kids — still skeeved out over their inappropriate relationship.  He says that Jackie (or Jakkee as it’s probably spelled) ended things way before Aria came along and he’s totally over her, and she means nothing to him, but Aria’s still pissed because, well, she’s freaking 17 and can’t see that this totally isn’t that big of a deal.  He tells her to come over later, but Aria won’t.  Ezra asks if they’re over and Aria says she doesn’t know.

Spencer shows up at Toby and Jenna’s house, where someone peers out at her from behind a curtain inside.  Hmmm is Jenna really blind?  Quick, someone throw a pumpkin at her head and see if she ducks!  That’s what I do when I meet a blind person for the first time.  Because you never know these days, people.  You never know.  Jenna says that her parents want Spencer to leave because they don’t want her to see Toby any more.

Emily’s at home watching some Toby/Jenna softcore porn on her computer when all of a sudden she’s surprised by a sexy stranger in her room.  Turns out, he’s the real estate agent who’s going to be showing their house.  A super sexy real estate agent.

Oh yeah, build that comission, baby.  Build it nice and good.

He does a quick look-see around Emily’s room, telling her to hide her photos for when people come to look at the house and checking out the closet space and stuff.  There’s a corner of the wall where Emily’s mom or dad has measured her growth throughout her childhood, and the heartless but oh-so-sexy realtor tells her that that has to be painted over.  You sexy bastard!

Melissa (Spencer’s sister) tells her parents and Grant that Ian’s aunt said she’d call if she knows anything.  Turns out Ian has no parents and no siblings; Grant says they’ve called the hospitals and Ian hasn’t been admitted.  Spencer arrives just in time to see Grant hand Melissa her cell phone and after Grant leaves, Spencer says she was telling the truth about Ian, but Melissa’s like, When Ian gets back we’re leaving because I don’t want you near my baby!  Harsh, Mel.  Harsh.  Spencer says Ian is never coming back (cuz he’s “dead”) and is all, “If I’m lying, where is he?”  Um, I kind of think Ian might want to avoid coming back since he, you know, tried to kill you.  Honestly, you guys, I can’t believe the girls still think that Ian’s dead and his body was moved.  My first response would be, “Holy crap, he wasn’t dead and now he’s going to want revenge!  Who wants cupcakes?  Hanna?”  Whatevs.  Spencer brings up a valid point:  Why are you guys defending Melissa and making me out to be a villain?

Time for therapy!  Spencer, Aria, and Emily sit with the therapist, waiting for Hanna, who finally shows up, shopping bags in tow.

Meanwhile, Caleb and Lucas (yay!  Cute Lucas!) show up in Lucas’s car — I guess Lucas is dropping Caleb off to apologize to Hanna.  Caleb’s like, “Thanks for springing for the hotel room,” and I’d like to think that Caleb and Lucas had to share a bed and they had a mutual spooning session because ohmigod how cute?!  Lucas tells Caleb not to hurt Hanna again and then he drives off.  Noooo, Lucas!  Dammit.  Well, we’ll see you in the season finale, probably, and no sooner.

Back at therapy with Dr. Mystic Pizza, the girls talk about how they became friends through Alison but they sort of broke apart when Alison disappeared, then they were brought back together when Alison’s body was found.  The therapist, Anne, tells them that anything they say in their sessions will remain private and Aria asks if they want to talk about that . . . “Thing.”  Yeah, you’re gonna have to be waaaayyy more specific, sweetie.  Just then, Aria’s phone beeps.  Is it a text from “A”?!  Spencer tells Dr. Anne that they need to go, and Dr. Anne doesn’t seem down with this.

“Oh god, I just remembered that Julia Roberts won a freaking Oscar.”

Turns out that Aria just got a text from her mom.  But outside, the girls notice a newspaper front story about themselves — the writer apparently says that he/she thinks Ian skipped town and the girls lied about it.  And then, of course, all of them get a text from “A” that reads, “I spy a liar. — A.”  What?  No “bitches” this time?  You’re slipping, “A.”

“Wow, that Garfield really does love lasagna.”

Hanna shows up at home with all her new clothes and stuff, but it turns out that Caleb’s there too.  Is it just me or was he cuter last year?  Also, dude would look much better with short hair.  Caleb tells Hanna that he left her a letter saying goodbye and I’m sorry and a whole bunch of other touchy-feely crap.  He says that Hanna made him feel special and not alone, and tells her that he gave the letter to Mona who said she’d give it to Hanna.  But Hanna says that this doesn’t change what he did, and even though Caleb says, “I love you,” Hanna says that she’ll never forget that he was using her.  Caleb says goodbye to Hanna, but Hanna’s pre-occupied with other thoughts.

“We’re out of cupcakes!”

Over at Apparently The Only Restaurant In Rosewood, Hanna runs into Mona and confronts her about the letter.  Mona says she did it because she’s a friend and since Caleb hurt her so bad, she didn’t want to see Hanna even more upset.  Which is kind of a valid point, if you ask me.  Kind of.  Hanna says that what Mona did hurts more than what Caleb did, and all of a sudden, someone shows up and gives Mona a kiss!  Who is this mystery person?!

OHMIGOD NO WAY!!

Okay, it’s Noel Kahn, which is actually a little shocking.  Hanna storms off, Noel asks if Mona’s okay, and Mona’s like, “No.”  Huh.  Noel and Mona?  I hope they’re all evil and delicious later on in the season.

Spencer is looking at herself in the mirror and decides that her current shirt just won’t do.

Um, ABC Family much?! Geez!

She gets a text from Emily saying that Toby’s at her house, waiting for Spencer.  Melissa picks this moment to talk to Spencer, telling her that she won’t tell her parents if Spencer is meeting Toby, and she and Ian picked out a name for the baby:  Taylor.  Barf.  Pregnant ladies — do not name your baby any of these names:  Addison, Madison, or Taylor.  That is all.  Melissa says that Ian wouldn’t have taken the money and left town because he wants the baby as much as Melissa does and she knows Ian would never leave her.  Let me reiterate again:  Perhaps Ian isn’t coming back because he TRIED TO KILL SPENCER.  Geez.  Melissa says again that Ian wouldn’t just leave her.  Um, unless he tried to murder your sister, making things kind of slightly awkward with you and your family?  Just a thought.

Over at Emily’s house, Toby’s looking at the growth chart on the wall and is all, “You can’t paint over this!”  And then Toby does a very sweet thing — he breaks out a pocket knife and begins to take that part of the wall out.  I think it’s very sweet that Emily and Toby are friends, by the way.  They’re no Veronica and Wallace, but it’ll do for now.

Best.  Boy/girl platonic friendship.  Ever.

Spencer texts Emily and says that she can’t make it.  Emily says that she let Toby down when she thought he hurt Alison, and Toby says that it’s all good now.  Emily somehow segues this into a conversation about how different she is, which is weird, and Toby’s all, But your difference is what makes you cool and I saw the way you looked at Maya — you loved her.  Ehhhhhhh I don’t know.  DID she love Maya?  Maybe it’s just because I can’t stand Maya (like, at all — girl needs to eat a footlong meatball sub, stat), but I’m not sure if Emily actually loved her.

Aria knocks on Ezra’s door.

Yeah, suck in that gut, Harding — you’re on ABC Family now.

That sound you just heard?  The one that made your dog howl and your baby cry?  That was just the sound of 3 million 14 year-old girls squeeling with delight.  Aria says that Ian’s dead and Ezra says he believes her.  Ezra’s stomach looks . . . not real.

Just some advice, PLL:  Next time you may want to spring for a more professional abdominal makeup artist.

Seriously.  A guy does not need six-pack abs to be sexy.  Look at Newt Gingrich.  Actually, don’t.  Ever.  Just . . . never, ever look at Newt Gingrich.  Ezra says that she can always talk to him about anything and she can ask him anything and he’ll tell her the truth.  Aria asks him why Jakkee ended it, Ezra says it was because she wasn’t ready for the committment.  Aria asks if she’s a rebound, Ezra says that she is totes not . . . but she did help him to get over Jakkee.  Was Ezra still in love with Jakkee when he met Aria?  He doesn’t answer, but it’s clear that he kind of was.  He says that there was not one moment while they were together that he wasn’t thinking about anyone but Aria.

“Except that one time I was thinking about Jon Hamm.  And that other time I was thinking about Joy Behar.  God, that was the best sex ever.”

Ezra says that he always loved Saturdays because they got to spend the whole day together.  Well, that and the fact that Saved By the Bell:  The New Class comes on at 11amEST.  Aria says she missed their Saturdays as well.  Ezra wants to call Aria tomorrow, but she’s got a bunch of family stuff to do, so it’s out of the question.  As she’s leaving the complex, Aria gets a text from “A” with a photo of the inside of Ezra’s apartment.

Ooh, ooh!  I know!  The concept of an age-appropriate girlfriend?!

No, that’s not it . . . Hmmmmm . . . Aria mini-freaks and walks back to Ezra’s apartment, where she lifts the welcome mat out front and finds . . . nothing.  Nothing!

Over at Emily’s, where all the gals have gathered, Aria’s in the midst of telling them what happened, saying that “A” had to have followed her and “he, she . . . shim . . .” (Hee!) must have grabbed the key from under the doormat.  Emily says that the point is that “A” got into Ezra’s house and reminds them of when “A” hit Hanna with his/her car.  But Hanna’s leg miraculously healed in like two days, so I don’t see the big deal.  They discuss talking to the therapist about what happened to them and maybe they should show the videos to Dr. Anne.  So they all agree to do that.  Meanwhile I’m sitting on my couch shouting, “Dude, no!  Dr. Anne is somehow in cahoots with “A.”  I don’t know how, but for pete’s sakes — don’t do it, you jerkasses!”

Cut to the girls in Dr. Anne’s office, where they’ve asked her to meet them for a special session.  She tells the girls that she can’t tell anyone anything about what they talk about unless something they say leads her to think that they’d be a danger to themselves or others.

“Well then, I guess we’re done here.  Smell ya later, Dr. Anne.”

Seriously.  Literally anything they have to say can be construed as dangerous to themselves or others.  But apparently the PLL Gang thinks differently.  Emily boots up the laptop and they all agree to tell Dr. Anne about The Thing Thing before showing her the softcore action.  Aria starts to talk, and then Spencer notices something odd on Dr. Anne’s wall.

DR. ANNE IS EZRA FITZ?!?!  WHAAAAAAA?!

Wait, no.  No, that can’t be right.  Can it?!?  No.  No, that’s . . . No.  Spencer interrupts Aria with the weirdest sentence ever:  “This talk is premature.”  Okay, thanks, Prime Minister Spencer.  Geez.  Hanna and Emily follow Spencer’s gaze to the diploma, but Aria still doesn’t see it.  Spencer, Emily, and Hanna say that they need to leave and regroup before they can go any further, and Hanna steals the diploma while Dr. Anne’s back is turned.  You know.  Because Hanna’s good at stealing things.  Or did you forget about that two-episode arc from last year?

When they get outside, Aria’s all, What the hell, dudes?!  Until Hanna shows her the diploma, which means that “A” took it from Ezra’s and put it in Dr. Anne’s office, which means that “A” knows they’re in therapy, which means that “A” knows they were about to blab.  They wonder how “A” always keeps one step ahead of them.

Ella and Byron (Aria’s dad) come in to her room to talk to her.  They say that they got off the phone with Dr. Anne who told them that it was a bad idea to see the girls as a group from now on.  They also agree with Dr. Anne’s opinion that the four girls shouldn’t see each other at all for a while.  What?  Noooooo!  There’s some shrink mumbo jumbo about disconnection, but the bottom line is that the girls can’t hang out together.  Sad, weepy music plays as the parents break the news to their children.

“How will I fill the void left by my frien — CUPCAKES!!”

Spencer’s looking out the window when she notices a tree shaking, and not from the wind.  I guess.  She locks some of the doors or windows, turns off the lights, and grabs a knife.  Turns out it’s just Toby, which, if you ask me, is still kind of creepy.  He says he had to see her.

Dr. Anne is leaving her office and walking to her car . . . But is that someone else’s shadow behind her?  Are those someone else’s footsteps she hears?  She gets to her car and before driving away, notices another car just pulling away.

Toby leaves, telling Spencer to lock the door.  On her way upstairs, she hears a texty beeping — turns out Melissa left her cell phone in the couch.  There’s a text from a blocked number that reads:  “Melissa, I’m sorry but it’s not safe yet.  I can’t tell you.”  Spencer immediately texts the gals with the tried-and-true “S.O.S” message.  They meet in Spencer’s creepy greenhouse and tell her that the text could have come from anyone, even some creep trying to mess with Melissa.  Spencer says it doesn’t seem random.  Aria AGAIN says that Ian is dead so it can’t be him.  Ugh, seriously?  Hanna tells Spencer to send a reply.  So she texts back, “How do I know this is you?”  The reply:  “Ask me anything.”  Hanna tells Spencer to text a question only Ian would know the answer to, so she asks what they’re naming the baby.  The reply?  “Taylor.”  Oh my gosh, Ian’s alive!  What?!  Who would have thought of that?  Oh, that’s right.  EVERYBODY.

During the end credits, Sexy Latino Real Estate Man is showing Emily’s house and room to someone with a glove.  Is it “A” or just a germ-conscious whack-a-doo?  Probably “A,” since the gloved person is . . . deleting all the files from  the hard drive of Emily’s laptop!!!  Oh, dip!!

Oh, and ABC Family wants to remind you: