Pretty Little Liars: To Circus, With Love

This may be the drunk talking, but methinks this was the best episode of Pretty Little Liars so far! It was so good, and I am so drunk from The Hills finale viewing party that I threw for me and all my besties, that I am seriously wishing I had Schnoz’s older sister here so I could just cut and paste her recap in here and call it my own. Tonight’s episode was lamely titled “There’s No Place Like Homecoming,” but the circus-themed Homecoming dance actually provided a deliciously sinister backdrop for our helpless heroines.

Buggy is in the middle of a hot Fitzy fantasy dream sequence when her friends rudely interrupt and rouse her from her sweatpants coma with rag mags and greasy Chinese. They want her to come shopping for a dress for Homecoming (thanks for the exposition!) but Buggy insists she isn’t going. She’d rather sulk at home about her parents’ imploding marriage.

The gals stage a fashion intervention for Buggy.

Blondie is preoccupied with her Homecoming queen nomination, to which everyone rolls their eyes. Schnoz laments having to juggle her duties as head of the Homecoming committee whilst preparing for her first official date with Alex, the tennis kid. Lezzy says she may go stag, and Schnoz suggests she take Buggy cuz they’d make such a cute couple! LOL. Buggy makes a tacky (yet funny) Samantha Ronson joke, and Blondie swoops into sensitive friend mode, defending Lezzy’s choice to take whoever she wants!

Someone is fishing hard for that GLAAD, er, I mean Homecoming nom!

Blondie tries to change the subject by cracking open her fortune cookie. In an inspired twist, “A” has managed to hack into their Chinese food takeout order and given them all a taunting message:

At school, we’re meant to believe that Blondie’s homo-licious bf Sean is pressuring his new GURL-friend Amber into sex, but it turns out to be a “sexercise” at their weekly “Real Love Waits” meeting. Blondie gets paired with a little queerling named Lucas who shys away from her because he supposedly has a crush on her, (as evidenced when he calls her “a genetic splice between Barbie and Shakira.”) Blondie actually seems touched, and my inner nerd just got a major hard-on at this trite flight of fancy.

Best line of the show: “Let’s look at the facts. I have the upper body strength of Screech and I spend my weekends playing Wii … alone. I think my virginity is pretty well safe-guarded.”

Real love may wait, but time sure doesn’t. Someone is addicted to Botox!!

Buggy tries to talk to Fitzy in the hall, but he blows her off. Maya tries to flirt with Lezzy at the vending machines, but she gets blown off, too.

Schnoz goes schitzo on Blondie, and insists that she break into the therapist’s office and steal Jenna’s file, because Toby (the fish lips freak who’s never been on a date in his life just bought two tickets to Homecoming) so he MUST be bringing Jenna. And “A” did threaten to make a cameo at Homecoming! Before Blondie can respond, skanky little Mona drops by to confirm the rumor that Schnoz is bringing “Cinderfella” towel boy Alex as her date. LOL. Hefty Hanna dismisses her with a request for fro-yo with sprinkles. Oink!

Could Mona be “A”???

Schnoz flips out AGAIN when Toby pops up at the next lunch table, and he unwittingly flashes a never-before-seen tattoo on his side that reads: “901 Free At Last.” Hmm. What could it mean? I like the thickening of the plot, but so far the tattoo doesn’t seem THAT mysterious.

What if his tattoo had said, “Jungle Red Rules!”? LOL

Toby then catches up with Lezzy and cheeses out. He invites her to Homecoming with all the intensity of a serial killer. Lezzy rebukes his offer, but lights up when she sees the two tickets in his hand. Toby lays the puppy dog charm on REAL thick, and Lezzy finally gives in.

Who could say “no” to this face?

The next scene was clearly written by a single woman who owns cats, as it plays out like a bad cross between Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman. Schnoz is busy painting set decorations for the dance when Alex comes up (he doesn’t even go to her school!) and says he’s there on a dry run / to find out what color her dress is so his tux can match. He then offers to pay for his ticket, but Schnoz, suffering from pangs of yuppie guilt, refuses the cash. Alex, ever the slick gent, manhandles Schnoz and slips the money into her tight jean cutoffs. Schnoz rewards him with a playful swipe of paint on his chin, to match the cliche swipe on her own cheek.

Nobody puts Schnozzy in a corner!

Blondie bumps into Maya in the hall, who tells her that she’s voting for her. Of course she is. When Maya says she’s not coming to Homecoming though, Blondie tells her that she should reconsider … for Lezzy. Wink wink! Nudge nudge! Maya lights up like a Christmas tree. This whole cupid-crossed-wires story is pretty entertaining, I must admit!

Toby finds Jenna sitting outside “enjoying the sights.” Jenna’s suddenly acting all weird and jealous of Toby talking to Lezzy, then warns him that Lezzy will freak out when she learns Toby’s deep, dark secret. OHH!! The plot thickens AGAIN! This is getting good!

Blondie, once again in her kitten smock, tries to break into the therapist’s office, but she is thwarted by a sassy, high-pitched black painter who gives her a heapin’ spoonful of ‘tude. Blondie atleast manages to unlock the door, presumably for a second attempt later in the episode.

His name tag reads: “Chewy” but he looks more like Jabba the Hut.

Blondie goes over to Buggy’s to raid her jewelry and set her up with some random named Chris Pozinni. When Buggy doesn’t take the bait, Blondie surmises that Buggy has a crush on someone else! Buggy remains mum, but I gotta hand it to Blondie. She’s a lot more sharp than one would suspect!

What’s with all the American Apparel socks?! Are they like the show’s new sponsor?

The circus-themed Homecoming is in full swing, and I give mad props to the show’s set decorator! It almost makes me wish I was in high school again. ALMOST. The only thing I would change is the lame-o boy band holding down the dance floor.  O-NO-Town!

Buggy struts in like a slutty Skipper doll. HAWT!!

Clearly, the hair budget was an after-thought.

Schnoz spies her evil sister’s ginormous hairdo from across the room and gets panicky by her presence. Apparently she’s there to pass on the Homecoming crown. Talk about convenient! Melissa lets it be known that she is PISSED about Schnoz stealing her essay for the Golden Orchid contest. And you just KNOW she is gonna eff some shiz up!

Correction: this is where the hair budget all went to!

Blondie is at the punch bowl with Mona, bagging on some poor chick, when Mona delivers the second best line of the show: “It looks like her hair got in a fight with her face and they both lost.” Mee-ouch! Lucas and his nerdy bowtie come over to say hi to Blondie. He then introduces himself to Mona. “I’m Lucas.” “That’s nice. Can you go be Lucas OVER THERE?!” she sneers. What a bitch! (She’s my new fave!) Mona is repulsed by “Hermy” (as Alison used to call him) and warns Blondie to keep her distance from “shim” lest they slip back down the social ladder. LOL. Mona leaves and Blondie stuffs an entire bon-bon in her face.

Hungry much?!

Melissa descends like an evil vulture bitch from hell on Schnoz and Alex and introduces herself, making furtive glances like she’s gonna eat Alex alive. Meanwhile, Buggy’s stuck in awkward silence manning the bean bag toss booth with Fitzy.

Toby gets cold feet outside the dance, and Lezzy, dressed like she’s trying out for the Jennifer Love Hewitt role in next Monday night’s Lifetime original, The Client List, tries to quell his fears by showing him a few geriatric moves.

White men can’t jump. And apparently they can’t dance either.

Maya comes up to the girls, asking if they’ve seen Lezzy. Blondie’s just about to text her, but Buggy intones, “Don’t bother!” In walks Lezzy and Toby, holding hands. The lighting switches to ice blue in order to better reflect everyone’s icy demeanor. The girls all glare at Toby, and Maya runs off to drown her Sapphic sorrows.

Why so blue, ladies?

Toby senses the tension, and goes to get drinks. The girls eschew Lezzy’s choice of date, and she immediately gets huffy. She takes greatest umbrage with Blondie, who she thought told her to follow her heart. Blondie says she thought Lezzy was going to take Maya, and Lezzy recoils in shock and fear that her secret is out. Toby annoyingly reappears before they can hash this out any further.

Melissaraptor finds poor little lamb Alex all by his lonesome, and moves in for the kill. She says she admires the way he doesn’t mind being used by Schnoz, who is supposedly only dating him to piss off their crusty old dad. Alex falls for it hook, line, and sinker! Dumb-ass!

Schnoz pulls the girls aside to tell them she finally decoded Toby’s tattoo. She says that 901 stands for September 1st, which is the day Alison disappeared! Buggy insists that Blondie has to get Jenna’s file immediately. Blondie whines that she’s due to get crowned any second, but acquiesces. Buggy distracts Sean while Blondie snookers nerdy Lucas into driving her to the medical plaza.

“But I’m hungry for that crown, damnit!”

Alex coerces Schnoz into visiting the Fortune Teller, and I immediately perked up, cuz I love stuff like this. Madam Hoodoo tells Schnoz that she is a “worrier” and that she is on a journey. She also sees Schnoz caring for someone who is injured or hurt. Schnoz perks up with interest, too.

Lezzy corners Maya and rails on her for blabbing to Blondie, which she didn’t. Poor Maya acts jealous and hurt, but tells Lezzy she’s been giving her space to come to grips with who she really is. She tells Lezzy to admit she doesn’t have feelings for her, and she will leave her alone for good. Lezzy can’t bring herself to lie, and Maya slinks off, still hurt, but secretly happy.

Is her hair so big because it’s … full of secrets?!

Fitzy moves through the crowd and stops dead in his tracks when he sees Buggy cutting a rug on the dance floor with Sean. He gets totes jealous, and I laughed hard at his plight.

Madam Hoodoo continues to tell Schnoz that she is running away from something. The next card is the Lovers, but it’s paired with Judgement, which does not bode well for this couple in question. The Devil card suggests that there is darkness in “this man.” Maybe even violence or vengeance. We suddenly cut to Buggy dancing with Sean, Lezzy talking with Fish Lips, and Blondie with Lucas. Ruh-roh! Which couple could she be referring to?! Madam Hoodoo flips over the Death card, which features a Jungle Red lipstick kiss and a message from “A” that reads: “Kiss bye bye to your BFF.” Schnoz gasps!

“A” gives Schnoz the kiss of death.

Buggy chases after Fitzy, who confesses that he hates himself for asking too much of her by sneaking around and having an affair with him instead of publicly dating a boy her own age. Normally, Fitzy annoys me, but his heartfelt confession endeared me to him a little.

Schnoz can’t find Alex anywhere, and her rag of a sister pops up to gloat / tell her that he left. Schnoz acts all confused.

Nerd-o Lucas stands guard while Blondie breaks into the therapist’s office. She can’t find Jenna’s file under Marshall, so she looks under C for Cavanaugh, which is her step-brother’s last name. Instead of Jenna’s file, however, she finds Toby’s!!

Toby and Lezzy sneak up to the dark, empty Chem lab to talk privately. He asks if her weird mood has anything to do with Maya. When she doesn’t respond, he asks if she came to Homecoming with the wrong person! Oh, snap!! He can smell her lesbian stench from a mile away! “Maybe,” she croaks feebly, then asks why he even likes her when he knows the truth about what she and her friends did. “I guess it’s because I’ve also done things I’m not proud of. We’ve all got secrets,” he says menacingly, and closes the door! Dun dun dun!!

Oh shiz! Watch out for those killer fish lips!

Blondie returns to the dance and pulls Buggy and Schnoz aside, just as Melissaraptor names Sean and Blondie the Homecoming King and Queen.  Inside the House of Mirrors, Blondie reveals that Jenna wasn’t the patient – Toby was! The doc had Jenna come in one time to ask her how she felt about having Toby come home. The file also reveals that Toby wasn’t away at school when Alison disappeared – he was still right here in Rosewood! As Buggy reads the file, we flashback to that sinister conversation Alison had with Toby the night of the fire. Alison calls Toby a Peeping Tom, which he denies vehemently. Alison then confesses that she’s looked in HIS windows, however, and she’s ready to spill the beans about how close he really is with Jenna unless he takes the fall for the fire.

Pretty Little Bitch!

Schnoz and Buggy gasp at this revelation. I gasped, too. Not because of the taboo incest, but because the show coughed up a MAYJAH reveal. I watched The X-Files for YEARS and never got so much as a single answer! This show is brill-ballz 2010! Buggy tries to call Lezzy, but Toby asks her in his monotone serial killer voice not to answer. The girls dash out of the House of Mirrors to find Lezzy, and as they run out, the camera whips around to reveal that Jenna was sitting there, silently listening to them THE WHOLE TIME! …gasp!!!

Toby is starting to scare Lezzy now, and her phone twinkles with a text from Buggy that reads:

Lezzy tries to leave, but Toby gets irate and a little grabby. Lezzy shows surprising strength when she slaps Toby across the face and shoves him hard into a shelf full of breakable glass.

Sometimes “no” really DOES mean “no!”

Toby wipes the blood from his cheek, and Lezzy sneaks a peek at his “incriminating” tattoo. (Sorry, but who tattoos a murder confession on themselves?! This is obvi a red herring!) Lezzy bolts down the hall, and Toby tears after her. The girls hear Lezzy’s screams for help, and run in her direction. Toby chases Lezzy through the House of Mirrors. The music swells! Lezzy screams and runs scared for her life. Just as Toby is about to “attack” her, she trips and the screen goes black! WTF?! Cliffhanger?! Oh … you are GOOD, PLL! I cannot WAIT to find out what happens next week!!!

Cheap scare of the week!!